So gentle readers,
I have noticed something that is very disturbing to me. Fat people apologize...alot. What could I possibly mean? Well, they apologize when they don't need to. As if they are taking up too much space and must apologize in advance. I have noticed this more in this last month in particular. I carry myself straighter. So I guess I come off as having more confidence (which I do, many people would say that I didn't lack much before...so). This has led to some strange phenomena. 1.) I am talking to more strangers in public 2.) People who are larger than me apologize before they ever need to or have done anything to offend. 3.) my confidence draws out the *-holes....they feel the need to 'put you back in your place'....I take this as a sign of progress, you don't kick a dead horse. So, What do I mean by apologizing? Here's an example: Tonight I am at Safeway picking up my Greek yogurt. I am walking through the HUUUUUUUGE sliding doors, into the store. There was enough room for a platoon to pass through those doors. A young man with his family was walking out, He was about 400 lbs. I made a point to make eye contact with him, smile, and say Hi. I did this because alot of times, when you are bigger..I have perceived that you become invisible to people...they just look away. I have had that happen to me many times, and it left me feeling very alone. As I lose weight I make a point not to do that. I want them to know we exist in the same world, that I see them. That they are worth communicating with, talking to and so on. So, I looked him in the eye as I passed by and smiled and said HI. He said "I'm sorry" looked at the floor,and moved more to the left.

I'M SORRY????? For what? For existing?
I could have cried. This same thing has happened at walmart twice now. I hadn't said hi or anything. They just tried to scooch as far over as they could, mutter "I'm so sorry, I am always in the way", and let everyone pass. So, it left me wondering. Is it that all thin people really stare through us, or is it that we never meet people's gaze? Was I that ashamed of myself when I was 270? That I would apologize for merely taking up air? Maybe?
That is sad in and of itself. I know you are going to have jerks that won't look at you and see you as not quite human....but is it the 90% I thought it was?
I wanted so badly to reach back and grab his arm and yell "STOP APOLOGIZING, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR". But, afraid I would get arrested for assault, I kept going. I wanted to tell him, "We don't owe anyone an explanation for our current state and we CERTAINLY don't have to apologize for existing. You are you underneath all that extra weight." Lord, I am turning into Richard Simmons.
So I say to you, be loud and be proud. Hold your head up high...love yourself now and know that you can do anything you set your mind to. Don't apologize for existing. Take up the oxygen, stroll down the aisle of walmart...you have as much right to be there as anyone else. I refuse to apologize to anyone for who I am, at least not anymore. I want everyone to Take a hold of life. It's the only one you have.
I did my 2 and a half mile walk. I kept my calories to 1616. I currently weigh 236 lbs at night. So, it's solid. 37 pounds to onderland. I hope everyone had a good, great, terrific and very fantastic day.

An accidental walk

Well, sometimes I really wish I had a camera. I took off from my usual walking route and went onto Ft. Carson for a walk around Iron horse park. When I go there, I usually stick to the circuit that goes on a one mile oval around the park. It's not very exciting but it gets the job done, and it's a change of pace from the 'down to the stop sign and back' I've been doing. So, I am walking and notice a side path. I had noticed it before but it always had a 'road to nowhere' look that promised plenty of pain, so I never took it.
Today I took it. It went up over a huge hill, upon which sat a radio tower. It wound down through officer housing, out to the road and then it continued with a red gravel path that went BACK UP the huge hill, down the hill and up another huge hill. I got to the top of that hill (oh and it was raining, so the trail was turning to muck) and I could see for twenty miles easy. I felt victorious. I didn't have to stop once. I would say, grand total, it was a three and a half mile walk. It pushed me in ways I haven't been pushed thus far. As I was at the top of the hill I could look down and see the two playgrounds I take my kids to during the summer. They aren't more than a quarter mile apart. But just last year, before I started walking and eating better, I remember putting up a fight when my then seven year old wanted to walk from one park to another. I thought it was TOO FAR. Today I walked around both of them and several housing projects in the rain on dirt and gravel. And later I took my daughter down to the basketball court so she could skate. This is leaps and bounds ahead of where I used to be. I have only been doing this for two and three quarters of a month. Imagine how I will feel, and what I will be able to do a year from now. Today was a very good day. I hope yours was too.


anatomy of an almost binge

MAN did I want some chips. Since I am sane enough to realize chips shouldn't be kept in a three mile radius of me when Tom is near by, I told my husband that I wanted a diet DR. pepper. All this so I could sneak out of the house at eight o clock at night, to go and get me a small bag of chips. I was doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to make it 'okay'. I was low on calories the last two days, I would only eat half (stop laughing), If i ate the whole bag it was only 280 calories (sixty over my fight to the last man, food be-dammed, full stop total for any day-1800 calories...so I would have clocked my calories in at 1860. It was awful. I got to the 7-11 (also known by baptists as the abomination that causes desolation) and wandered around the chip aisle, checking the back of every salty snack food in there..trying to find that miracle bag of chips that had only 200 calories or less. Well, I found them, only they aren't chips...they are salted pistachio nuts. One small tube is only 150 calories. I still went back and forth, clasping the 7-11 brand chips to my chest while clutching the pistachios in my other hand. I wanted those chips. Then I replayed a few disparaging comments about my weight from strangers I have met in the last week (thank you mullet headed goob and subway J*ck-*ss, real men of genius) I went with the pistachios. I am eating them slowly. right. now. Sucking and savoring their salty goodness. I knew in my heart of hearts that those chips would have been the beginning of a Binge of Epic Proportions. I feel better about myself having picked something that resembles healthy. I hope everyone is doing well and sticking with it. Oh, and I did my three mile walk today, and my legs felt like they could do a mile more. awesome! Don't give in!


Day of rest=balance

Hey all
Well, Sunday is my DOR...no, I'm not dead on arrival, it's my day of rest. It's mandatory. If I don't schedule in one day of rest,I will convince myself that I 'should' be walking. Not good. I work out six days a week, rest on the seventh. I also got to church finally. It's been a good month, which hasn't been good for my soul or my mouth. ( my mouth was formed in my tender youth, when I was a truck driver in the army) I love this pastor because he really breaks the bible down line by line and I always learn a little latin. Todays sermon was on Jude which is always a humdinger. He can do a whole sermon on a proverb and have you squirmin in your seat like a good baptist should...lol. I have to remember to balance my life. It also helps me realize that all this weight didn't go on overnight, it isn't going to come off overnight. I know, I know, I know, Iknowiknow....but don't we secretly wish it would? I am learning life lessons blah blah blah. Still want it gone tommorrow but will settle for a year or so. So, as Carlos says..tomorrow I am Back on The Krab. I kept my calories where they should be, by the way...no reason to blow it out of the water...give my mouth a rest from chewing as well..kept it to 1600 calories.

So, inspiration sunday... I have been wanting to do this one for a while. I am a supporter of israel, nobody hurl anything. But, watching the Iranians for the last little bit has really made me appreciate America and the freedoms we have all the more. My husband has been in some bad places while he served in the army. I will never forget the stories he brought back from bosnia and kosovo, where they lined school children up against walls and shot them...or the video tapes that showed the murder of innocent woman and children in Srebrenica. So many people don't have the freedoms we have here, they don't have the right to protest, the right to disagree, the right to amass wealth through diligence and hard work. They don't have the ability to direct their lives, and they are worried on a day to day basis what they will eat, not what they won't. When they take to the streets, their biggest fear isn't missing a day of work or getting a blister, their biggest fear is being shot dead in the street, or dragged out of their house by secret police to a secret prison. Coming home to find their loved ones missing or their children murdered. That's why my inspiration for this sunday is the Iranian people. This is real courage.
We can't turn a blind eye, we can't blame God...that is why we were created, We are God's hands. If sit by and do nothing, say nothing...acknowledge nothing, what does that say about us?

And finally, a fitting quote:
Resistance to tyrants is obedience to God.
Thomas Jefferson
Hope everyone is op and ready to face your week.



Okay, So, I have been doing this new 'lifestyle' for about 3 months now. I feel awesome most days, I am feeling more fit and healthy by the day. I have really changed how I view myself. I feel positive, upbeat and full of motivation. So WHY when you feel just this way, does somebody have to come along and pee on my parade?

Okay, so I am at subway and I have ordered an italian bmt. So, the guy goes "what kind of bread would you like? I say wheat. He grabs white. This would not be a big deal but he has done this before. It's like "Fat girl can't possibly want wheat bread". The person in front of me got wheat, nary a sideways glance was given.

This time I lean across the plexiglass barrier (installed for just such occasions as this, I am guessing) and I said in a rather loud voice...'WHEAT..I SAID WHEAT. (Just in case he was hard of hearing) He gets this little smirk on his face, turns around and grabs the wheat bread. Then he asks me if I want any other sandwiches. I ignore him. Then this mullet headed goob two people up finishes ordering his gargantuan 12 inch fat bomb of a sandwich, turns to the rest of the line and announces "See that, now that's a sandwich...no Jared little portion crap for me, I'll burn it off too...cause I work out." Just when I nearly broke into sarcastic applause he and his mullet took leave.
Why do these morons assume so much. I don't know why, do any of you? If mullet head works out, I eat snails. I comforted myself knowing *$#%!-*ss behing the counter was making minimum wage and mullet head was going to be wonder gut by the time he was forty, metabolism catches up with us all...no matter how much we "work out".
There Mrs. Positive takes a drive down cranky lane. I am done now.
I did my WORK OUT by walking 2.8 miles, tommorrow is my 3.5 mile walk and my calories were 1689. Oh and I am currently 238 llbs. Need to update my ticker. Thats a loss of 24.4 lbs. since May 18th...Maybe it's cause I WORK OUT. Okay, I am done....


Faint, puke or die

Hey all,
Thanks for the kind comments on my last post, making myself a priority was a looonnng time in coming. It's harder than three paragraphs, that's for sure. just know that I get that it's easier said than done, but that it can be done. That said, I am really starting to hear jillian michaels voice when I am doing my workouts. It's kind of cool, because it's almost like I have my own personal trainer. Today, I did my three mile walk. As anyone knows, when your doing a long walk or exercise routine, it is really easy to drift in your mind and slow up. I had pushed myself for the first mile and a half (it has a slight upgrade the whole way) and I was coming back down when I saw someone coming in the distance. She had all the gear on, walking shoes, t shirt and jog shorts....and she was holding something to her ear, I thought, maybe it's a radio? But no, it was a CELL PHONE. While on this long walk, she chose to call someone. In my head, I heard JIllian say "she's always phoning it in'. "It's always half *ssed, no intensity...giggling..he he...it's just so tiring." I then realized that my pace had slowed coming back down the hill. In fact, while I had been getting mildly sweaty in each workout, there was no real burn involved. There was no intensity to what I was doing. I was, in essence, putting in my time. Suddenly, I wanted to get ugly sweaty. I wanted to make it count. IF I am going to do a one hour workout, one hour of my life, I want to make it count for something. So I pushed. When I thought I couldn't keep up the pace, there was jillians voice saying..unless you faint, puke or die, keep walking. So I did. I did my three miles in 51 minutes. Now that's nothing to some of you but it had been a full hour for the last month. That was nine minutes off my time, simply because I refused to phone it in. What else can I do If I set out to do my absolute best daily. WHO KNOWS, I've never done it. Don't get me wrong, I give at least 80 percent. But I think Jill is right. Life is short, we should have passion, we should live each minute intensely. Squeeze each minute out of the day. There is no rewind, no do overs, no second chances. Do it now.
I hope all of you are doing great and had one heck of a day!
(oh and this song is what is stuck in my head while walking, while I don't like all the lyrics it has a great beat and you can dance to it?)


getting unfat step 3 making yourself a top priority

so, 1.) Learn to ask for help 2.) Tell yourself the truth 3.)Make yourself your top priority.
Mom's everywhere are rolling their eyes right about now. I know, I know...how are you supposed to get on the treadmill or exercise when there is no one to; watch the baby, do the dishes, I am already tired, and on and on....I used all these too. For some people, some of these are legitimate barriers. However, in the back of my mind I always knew this was a bit of bs. If you have a playpen for your baby, you can exercise in your living room. They have exercise videos down at the library (that I never took advantage of). I was eating the same food my family ate but kept getting fatter and fatter...because I ate huge portions. So, two things you can do to remove the excuses are cut down on portions and start moving. You know you have time somewhere in there, because I know I did. Especially if you are a stay at home mom. You have periods of time when you are watching tv or calling your friends or family or scrapbooking or browsing through walmart. Im calling you out,lol.

Now for the last best excuse. But what about me time. My me time used to consist of eating out and going to barnes and nobles to read a book. There is nothing wrong with this, but nearly all of my activities were sedentary. You might be thinking why should I exercise when I should be relaxing. I am already so tired and now there is just one more thing for me to do? I'll tell you why, because once you lose weight and get healthy, your energy level will sky rocket. You will be able to exercise, run errands, and still be awake at 8 o clock at night to sit down with your husband, or wife, or kids, or friends, and watch a movie. All this instead of conking out for an afternoon nap, waking up feeling tired, doing your chores tired and then going to bed and you can't sleep.

I am saying be your own life coach. If you had hired someone else to run your life, would you give them a raise, or would you fire them. I looked at this a while back, and I would have fired mine. Look at your life and ask yourself "If my child were living like this, what would I like to see them do?" Then do that. When you put yourself at the bottom of the list, abuse your body, accept people talking to you and treating you like dirt, you are teaching your kids that that is okay. Some questions to ask yourself (this is mainly for people with kids) If I saw my daughter gaining this weight what would I hope she would do. If someone said that to my kid, how would I hope that they would respond. Is this a person I would want in my kid's life? (Or your mom's, or your brother, sister or best friend?) Treat yourself with the same love, respect and dignity! When people see that you value and take your self seriously, they will do the same. You show people you value yourself by taking care of yourself, by setting goals and following through, by stating calmly and clearly how you expect to be spoken to and treated. You will get some pushback from clueless people, but eventually it will become way too irritating for them, and they will either change or shut up. Don't let other people dictate your schedule. If you can, make your workouts a certain time of day and get a baby sitter or swap babysitting. Tell people your plans and that you don't want that cookie, cake or calorie laden pizza sitting in your fridge. Draw boundaries around your person and make them clear. It makes it much easier. People who can't accept boundaries are the ones with the issue. Not you. I saw this video on you tube earlier with Jillian michaels, and i think it drives home the point about toxic relationships and responsibility. I will leave a link.
Please hang in till about 4:53, it is the essence of the whole clip.

I did my 2.5 mile walk and kept my calories to 1583 calories.
Keep up the good work.


how to get unfat step 2 tell the truth

Okay, so yesterday was learning how to ask for help. It was strictly from my point of view up to 2005. I am now looking back at my life from my current age of 35. Not so far advanced, but alot further than I was a few years ago. It may have seemed, in my last post..that all my issues were my husbands fault. This however is not true, in fact...it is the opposite of true. My problems stemmed from my never accepting responsibility for what I will and won't allow in my life. My trip to vegas was the beginning of a three year odyssey in which I learned to set- everyone say it with me....BOUNDARIES. Where do you draw the line? It factors into every decision we make.

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, as I said before, I was very young when I married, my husband was 6 years older. When he married me, I was a size 8 and employed. We were and still are, very right for each other. I never wanted a man who was always in my pocket. He wanted an independant minded woman. We mesh on a great many things. We married and we found out we were pregnant a month later. I gained 50 lbs while pregnant. I was very needy, moody and clingy. after I had my oldest I went through a period of post partum depression. The weight I put on then, never came off. I went from a person my husband had fallen in love with to an almost completely different person in nine months. NOt to mention after the baby and the changes that come with that. Neither of us were prepared, in any real way, to be married. We had both been brought up in broken homes. Each of us suffered from disappointed expectations. However, my husband was always able to express his disappointments and I kept mine inside. The last three years was a process of telling the truth to myself, (that I had at least a 50 percent stake in our problems) and that if I was ever going to live the life I wanted, I was going to have to start telling people how I really felt, what I really wanted and not being a fraid to do that.
I told tim that I couldn't put up with him being gone all the time, that I was tired of being a single mother and without a husband. It led to huge fights but after 21 years in the service he got out. He had a drinking related incident, and I told him that I could no longer put up with his drinking. He stopped. IF he hadn't then I would have had to make the decision to leave. I told him that too. I also apologized for getting so fat, and for not keeping the house like I should have. It was a hard thing to say, as you would imagine. Our marriage has improved because I took steps to improve it. My life has improved because I saw it honestly, I evaluated honestly and have begun setting out to make my life what I want it to be, instead of blaming everyone else for how it is or isn't. The only thing you can control in life is you.

My moment of truth about my weight came when I was standing in a build abear workshop and for the first time, I saw me as I truly was. It was like ZIP. I am back in my body...that is me. I am fat. I wasn't clueless, I knew I was pudgy, round or chubby. All the euphamisms you use to sugar coat what you have done to yourself. This time, there was no sugar coating it. I was suddenly humiliated. I looked fat, sweaty and sloppy. There was no escape, I was stuck there with my daughter's girl scout troop. I was so red people were asking me what was wrong. I just said I don't like crowds. That was the day I woke up. I think the reason people fail at weight loss is because they are able to lie to themselves. Oh, I don't look bad. I am healthy. I am not that fat. This is the same reason people don't want pictures taken, it's because a picture will show them what they really look like. They don't want to see it. But, you have to remember...that picture is the truth...it's what you look like, everyday, to everyone around you. IF you are afraid someone you know will see your picture, just know this, they already know what you look like. Everyone does. My weight loss never worked before because I always thought, deep down, that I was fine...just needed to lose a few pounds and I would be back to my old self. I also avoided picture taking like the plague. I never weighed myself. What I really needed was a wake up call. God always provides what you need, you just have to be listening for it. Sometimes, if you don't listen..he will whack you right over the head.

Step two for getting unfat...be brutally honest. Honest about the people who support you and the people who don't. Sometimes this includes people you would rather not admit to. For me, I had to admit that my mom and I were never going to be as close as i would wish. So, when speaking with her, I don't invite the kind of comments that would make me feel like bashing my head into a brick wall. Sometimes you have to put a stop to behavior that makes you feel like crap, this might mean some huge knock down drag out fights. Is it upsetting? oh yeah. will you use food to self medicate, maybe if you are feeling weak you might. But whatever it takes, you have to put the world around you right. If you continue to make excuses for toxic people and allow them to eat away at you, it is going to make your weight loss and your getting healthy 100 percent harder. Plus, if you can't say no to others, how are you going to say no to you? Make a list and tell yourself the truth, once you know what that is....decide what your going to do for good or ill to make your life better. That's step two.
I did my three miler today.
Tommorrow is step three, How I made myself a top priority.
Hope everyone did really good today.


how to get unfat...step one, ask for help

What made me fat, part 2.
Okay, so yesterday was the post traumatic post. Now is the first step in how I found myself back in my body. It was no easy task and was as messy and ugly as you would expect.

You see, when it comes right down to brass tacks, everything in life is where you draw the line. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to draw any. I was told I didn't have the right. I was also shown that I didn't have the right. I had no say over my own body, my own space, my own feelings. I was raised to believe I needed to keep as small as possible, because getting noticed would get you into trouble. Then, if I was noticed, I needed to make sure I wasn't a 'burden' and that i wasn't 'in the way'. I carried this attitude into adulthood and it nearly led me to a nervous breakdown.

I got married at 19. I wanted my marriage to work. My standard answer to everything was "No problem, I will take care of that". I fixed everything. If my husband said he had invited someone to dinner at the last minute...it was 'no problem'. He volunteered to move us cross country and we had to be there in one month, I am pregnant and he will be going on ahead so can I handle it?...I would say "no problem". Gone eight to nine months out of the year with noone to watch or babysit my kids, no family and very few friends. "No problem'. Now, did I really have no problems? No. I just stuffed down all my problems, I explained them away. His job was Very Important. I had to be a Good Army Wife. I decided that I should shut up and take what I could get. My stress never abated, because I never admitted to having any. I was essentially a single mother with a husband who was in Special Forces and was gone constantly. On top of this, my husband was an alcoholic on a team full of alcoholics. He spent much of the time he did have at home, at the team room getting drunk with his team mates. It was the 'norm' in sf. That is probably why the divorce rate in sf is 70 percent and up. I never put my foot down with my husband, I never said no. I never complained to my friends or my family because they all had their own problems. I never let anyone lift my burden. I handled everything alone. I was a control freak and couldn't admit to needing help.

Then, a bunch of things happened that I couldn't control or fix. The first was September 11th. My husband geared up and began training like crazy, In February of 2003, he was in Northern Iraq..one full month before we went to war. He was training Kurds and was part of a contingent of sf whose job it was to confuse the Iraqi army by making them believe the invasion was coming from the North. It worked, when 3rd Id (I think) came up from the south, the majority of the Iraqi army was looking the other way. I knew for a month and could tell no one. Then my big brother was diagnosed as having Aids. I can't tell you how that messed with my concept of a fair and just God. I have seen God's grace bear out, but it took awhile, back then, all I could see was the blatant unfairness. My husband came back and then deployed again in 2004; Then, when hubby returned from his second deployment, I got pregnant...and miscarried. These three things: My husband continual going to war, My brother's Aids diagnosis, and my miscarriage...they were things I couldn't control and I couldn't fix. I still remember coming home from the hospital crying after the docter couldn't find a heartbeat and saying "I am fine." I wasn't, the doctor has said that I could probably carry a baby easier if I lost some weight, and in my mind that became, I killed my baby. I said nothing, I couldn't ask for help. I simply stopped talking. I would just go for these long drives in my car. I could feel myself going further and further away. The kids would talk, and I would just look at them. I didn't feel anything. I knew something was WAY OFF. But I couldn't seem to make it right. Then one day, my husband was cleaning out the garage and threw away my art desk. Now, I hadn't drawn or painted in a few years, but I still felt like he was throwing the rest of me away. But by this time in our marriage, I had built up so much resentment because I had never bothered to tell him anything before. Boy, howdy...out it came. Every snub, every time I hadn't said no, every time he had overlooked my birthday, wedding anniversary, time spent at work when he really could have been home. You name it, it got flung. All the hurt I had been burying, up and out...right there in the garage. When I was done, he just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. Then, I asked him what he wanted for dinner. When I realized what I had said, I just started laughing hysterically. He looked at me like I was crazy. I was a little.

Then my little brother called and asked me to come out to las vegas for his wedding. This was in 2005. So, my husband had been to Iraq twice already and was getting ready for a third deployment,. I knew this was what I needed. I needed to go away. I told my husband who said okay, but I could tell it wasn't..and so I asked for help. I called my mother in law. She came out and helped him deal with the kids for the five days I would be gone. I was so tired that even though this was the first time I would be leaving the kids, I just wanted to go. I remember thinking as I left, Oh, I will have a lot of time to sort through all of my thoughts and I will get myself straightened out and be back on track....back to my old self. What I didn't realize was that my old self was the problem. I can't fit this into one post. I will say this, The best thing I did do to start was to ask for help. If I hadn't reached out to my mother in law, I would have never went. If I wouldn't have gone, I don't know where I would be right now. Certainly not right here, typing this out. I wouldn't be 22 pounds lighter than I was two months ago. I would probably still be walking around, half dead emotionally. Step one was asking for help. Do it daily. Don't do everything alone. People want to help. Your friends want to help, and if they don't then they aren't your friends.
For years I was known as the dependable one. I had an even keel. That's good to a point, and that point is when you buy the bull that you don't need help and you don't need a shoulder to lean on. Tommorrow is step two. Start speaking the truth. Until you acknowledge the reality of your situation, of your relationships, of where you are in life, you won't know what is wrong and you won't be able to fix it.

Tommorrow is also my first day of one pound, one hundred times. My first step to a healthy BMI. I hope everyone is on their own plan and working it.

Post traumatic stress disorder...and fat

Hello all,
I thought I would write a little bit about How I Got Fat. I see people commenting all the time on youtube about how fat people are just lazy and stupid, otherwise they wouldn't let themselves get so fat. I find this highly amusing, as I am neither dumb nor lazy. I hate to do this, but to illustrate a point I will just throw my IQ out there, (easily matched by many I am sure). It's about 140 depending on the day and the test. I do this not to brag, but to point out that I, a morbidly obese woman, am no idiot. In either the technical or colloquial sense. I realise that the calories in and calories out must balance or you will gain weight. Most of 'us' do. (Us being the overweight or obese). If we are intelligent, and are not lazy (We clean our homes, do the bills, some of us work outside the home, we run errands and I home school, we are all productive people). Then how did we get fat? Good question, and one I think needs closer scrutiny.

I think I stand for a relatively large portion of the obese population that has had some significant trauma in their lives, and instead of turning to drugs or drinking, we turned to food. I read alot of weight loss blogs. In them, I see a common theme. Severe trauma. This is not to say that all obese or morbidly obese people have had significant trauma in their lives, some may just like to eat. I would say however, that for a significant portion, this is the case.

My trauma came from an extremely abusive childhood. My reactions to people and places were (and sometimes still are) abnormal, I didn't know that growing up though. For years I felt as though I wasn't really in my body, that I was detached. Whenever something stressful happened, it was okay because it wasn't really happening to me. Even though it was. Loud noises made me jump. I was scared and suspicious of men, to this day I have a one foot perimeter that no one is allowed to cross in public or I get cranky (huggers always confuse me...fight or flight or hug, which Is why I write hugs at the bottom of my posts, I think if I had had a normal childhood, I would be a hugger too), and when I take my evening walks, I take a push knife that is on a string around my throat. Until a few years ago, I had no idea that this wasn't how a 'normal' person operates. That is, until my husband came back from his fourth tour to Iraq and we had to go to family counseling sessions. In those sessions, we ran down a checklist for post traumatic stress disorder. He had it....and so did I. I just didn't know it.
How did I get so fat? By using food as a crutch to deal with stress, by not even being present in my body much of the time, and by using my fat to make me invisible to men. You see, my fat served a purpose. It kept men away from me, and me away from men. MEN in the ominous predator sense. You see, these men weren't my brother and my husband, the men I loved were the exceptions. The rule Men are the other, the ones who will hurt you because they enjoy hurting. My fat kept 'them' from noticing me. It made me an imposing presence. I felt like a wall, not a fragile victim. I was nobody's petite princess. I was tough and mean. Is this reality, are all men out to harm me? NO. Does reality matter when you don't know that what your thinking is irrational. NO. You need something to reset reality for you.

I am not the mean, sarcastic person I sometimes present to the world. Inside, that isn't really me. For instance, I love kids. I could spend all day just talking to them. Alot of adults seem to get agitated, but I think kids are still okay, they haven't been messed up yet. I have a thick hide though, and it is hard for me to express anything emotional. People always see my sarcasm and my humor. I would like to show the rest, that will take time...I am getting better.
My battle is in my mind now. I have lost 22 lbs. I realized the other day that I was only 100 lbs away from a healthy bmi. My first reaction was fear. Fear that I would be noticed. I "know" in my mind that this is irrational. From here on out it is one pound at a time. One pound, one hundred times. I will have to overcome my fear of being seen, or noticed. I have to get over my fear of being fragile, my fear of being a victim. You see, I have lost thirty and more pounds before, and when I am flirted with or noticed, I regain the weight plus twenty until I am 'safe'. I plan on rectifying this feeling of vulnerability by taking a self defense course, so I feel like I can handle bad situations, without all the weight. When I was in the army I was thin, but could bench 230 lbs. and felt almost invincible, so my (lack of) weight didn't bother me. I need to get past feeling small and vulnerable. It will take some time.

Just so you know, I am no longer floating around outside my body. I am going to tell you tommorrow how I came back into it again. I think a few people out there know what I am talking about (I hope). We aren't stupid and lazy, many of us had some major damage done to us and we coped the best we knew how, now that we know better, we are doing better. I am ready for this journey because I have taken the last ten years of my life to figure out what was going on in my own mind. I am taking this journey because I can't let anymore of my life be stolen from me by a person who neither cares nor is damaged by his actions. This journey started from the inside out. It's all about waking up and reclaiming myself. I will write more tommorrow, this is becoming a book. lol. Thanks for all the kind comments from patty and hanli and fitcetera....This blog really helps me set down thoughts and get things straight in my own mind.
Well have a good night,


Harry Potter and the half sized popcorn

Hello all,
Well, today was what it was. I took my oldest (15yr old) daughter to see harry potter and the half blood prince. She liked the movie (except when, according to her, THEYTOTALLYLEFTOUTREALLYIMPORTANTPARTSLIKEWHENDUMBLEDORESAYSKILLMEANDGINNYANDHARRYNEVERKISSEDBUTIFYOUIGNORETHEBOOKIT'SFINEWHATEVER) So..... well worth the twenty bucks, is what she's saying. I read the book, but apparently not to the obsessive ends deemed necessary, because I thought the movie was well put together and highly entertaining. My comments were met with vigorous eye rolling and several 'didn't you read the book's'. All in all it was about 2 and a half hours long if not a bit longer. I liked it. I have really liked the last two movies. As Kate says, I love the angst. It's getting much more moody and realistic. The way I like all of my movies. My favorite is still the last one, which I believe was the order of the phoenix, but I could be wrong. Don't tell kate. I loved the end where Harry has to fight to not let his hate consume him. Awesome. I hope the next two movies are even darker and scarier. I think the end could be legendary if done right. Here's to hoping.
On the diet front. I decided to do popcorn in lieu of breakfast. I had two mini bags of butter popcorn along with a diet dr. pepper. (we went to the 11:00 am showing). I got my popcorn without buying the movie stuff, we snuck it in to the theatre....this seems to be becoming a habit. Eating forbidden food. oh well.
All told it was only 340 calories. Sure beats the 1100 in a movie theatre's medium popcorn. My only decent food choices today were my apple, my broccoli and my carrots and my chicken noodle soup. I had spaghetti for dinner with ronzoni and prego. The prego was the main thing that made dinner a kind of crappy choice. 90 calories fo r a half a cup, plus it has corn syrup. At least my calories came in today at around 1530. So 170 less than normal. I did get my walk in as well, 2 miles. It was a close thing...but a little article about swine flu and obesity had me pulling my shoes on at 7 this evening for my daily walk. Hope you all did well.


oy...enough with the cake.

Thank God the birthdays and holidays are over. I am not much for cake, but even a "non sweets" "real food" type eater could get a little wiggy after the last three to four weeks. Three birthday parties and one fourth of July bash and apparently, all the cake you can eat, everywhere. People, in an attempt to be 'hospitable' (dang people, can't they see I am eating soy nuggets) always ask me "would you like *insert whichever food would eat my entire daily caloric intake in one fell swoop here*.) So, I have these ridiculous conversations in which I pretend that such food has never crossed my lips, and I am, in fact, Jillian Michaels in a fat suit. Here is the first offering. "Would you like a cupcake?" Me: "No, thank you I am not hungry.(*insert inner thoughts here: I am starving, only had an apple and a soy bar, but no, dieting diva needs no cupcakes) Next, Would you like a piece of pizza, mini sausages, doritos, chips, pizza (oh already said pizza *blush*) Me:"pizza, pizza....no thank you." (wonders why nobody is looking at me funny after repeating the word pizza for no apparent reason.) Would you like soda? Me: "No, I don't drink soda, only water from the town tap please".

Then there is my own, self imposed junk food laden birthday jamboree.
Our attendant at skate city asks: "Would like pizza or cake?" (not one or the other mind you, both...but in which order)
Me: "No, I have a Fit one bar. I know I am not supposed to bring food into skate city, but I am diabetic." (Inner thought: 'You are going to hell, you are NOT diabetic'.)
Other half of my mind says: ("Yes, but if you don't eat this NOW, you are going to break like the hoover dam and eat everything in sight....just one more hour".)
Dieting diva wins and lets the diabetic deception just lie there.
The hostess, afraid of getting sued,let's me eat my snack bar in lieu of cake- and pizza- and soda.

My friend has a doll of a baby at my daughter's skate party, so I pick the cute baby up (baby fix, kind of like a cheat day)...Now, I am only halfway through my fit bar. Apparently this baby is a picky eater and her Godmother (my friend), hasn't been able to get this baby to eat ANYTHING for two days.
I am thinking, Hold one moment while I eat my oat, strawberry and almond bar...what's that, that cute little baby loves these, oh, she wants half...oh look she drooled all over the bottom...how.cute.
Guess she is REALLY hungry! What? Where did I get that Fit one bar? At the commissary. Oh, your going to get some more for her later...yeah, she reallly seems to like it..look she ate the last half.

What's that, noooo....I wouldn't like a slice of pizza...don't eat it...I only consume edamame and greek yogurt with a bit of honey. Oh, That's okay, That first half filled me up.
Excuse me... ma'am, could I have some more tap water please...thanks.

At least the baby was really cute, we danced a bit after we ate.

My daughter had a great party. She was so happy to share it with her bff (best freind forever) mariah. I think that is a great memory she will have forever. I came home, did some dishes and then took my two mile walk and with all the calories I had left over, I had a taco salad which I love. So, my day ended on a high note, food and exercise wise.
Looking forward to the next month of relatively low amounts of temptation.
Have a good night.


"bossy" fat

Hey all,
I wrote in a previous post that one of the ways I keep my motivation is by personalizing my fat. Patty from 'fit by my 50th" seemed to like the idea and has named hers Bertha (seems to be a good name...lol, apologies to all Bertha's). I hadn't really thought of a name until I had a dream the other night. (Before, I just made it an unwanted guest or an other). In my dream, I entered into this beautiful Victorian house. I walked through, and it wasn't really decorated...It was empty for the most part. Anyway, I walked out onto the back porch and there in the backyard was my older brother. He was sleeping on the ground. I asked him why. He said "Bossy wont let me sleep inside". I said, "But this is YOUR HOUSE." Then I asked when 'bossy' was getting back. My brother said soon, so I went back into the house to wait. Well, when bossy showed up, it was my mom's second husband...the one who raised us until I was twelve and my older brother was fifteen, so most of our lives. I don't call him dad because he doesn't deserve the title. I looked at him and said. "Get out, take your things and leave. You aren't going to do that to my brother anymore. I am here now, so you go". And then he left. When I woke up, even I realised this was hugely symbolic and a great big victory for me. Whenever he was in my dreams before, he was hunting me. I was always hiding. When we were little he was so mean that if he stared at me too long, I would pee my pants. He was vicious and violent. In this dream, I took back my 'house'. It has to mean my body. It has to mean my life. He is a large part of the reason I have the issues I have with food. Everything from making me sit for hours to eat stuff he had put there, to terrorizing everyone at the dinner table by randomly smacking you in the head if you did something he didn't like. He never spoke or warned, just wham, out of nowhere. I had an instantaneous duck reflex for years because of that. I would name my fat *his name* but won't-only for one reason. My little brother bears the same name, and he is just one of the best people in the whole world. So I hereby dub my fat 'bossy'. I am kicking it out of my house.
Before bossy told me not to wear fitted clothes. Bossy told me that going to a swimming pool with my kids would embarrass both me and them. Bossy has stopped me from wearing shorts for ten years or short sleeved shirts. Bossy is the cause of all those rude comments and stares. Bossy caused a rift in my marriage and has stymied my ability to be the best mom I could be. Bossy represents HIM, and I can't think of anybody I want to have around LESS than Bossy.
So, enough childhood crap. I walked 3 miles today after going to walmart and petsmart. Before I started walking two months ago, I never would have been able to shop and then go for a walk, I would have been too wiped out. I also by-passed a dorito challenge and a potato chip throwdown that came from the back seat of my mini van. My children innocently asked if I wanted some. I accepted one potato chip, and I sucked on it until it disintegrated...then when I got home, I logged the ten calories. yeah for me. Tommorrow is my little one's eighth birthday. We are having a roller skating party. I did this cause it beats the usual *eat and watch tv* party we usually throw. I am trying to incorporate a more active lifestyle for my whole family. I think it will be a good time.
I hope you all had an awesome day, got your exercise and have kicked the bossies out of your life.
smiles and hugs,


addiction and winning

Hello all,
I was on another blog today, and that blog posted a modern dance composition denoting the dance with addiction. To some it may look beautiful if frightening, to me it looked awful and it made me angry. I am by nature a fight person. Some people flee, I don't seem to have enough sense. This is the main reason I don't play board games or compete against others, once I want to win... it's on. When I saw that dance, all I wanted to do was pound that dude (addiction personified) into the dirt. Once I realized that my fat was controlling my future and was hindering my happiness, I wanted to beat it. When I take my walks, I am winning. When I eat right, I am winning and my fat is losing. There is no win-win in this scenario. I win, "it" loses. Here's a for instance: When I was in the army, there was this girl named Dora. She was little, and snarky. She would make comments about my weight. So, if she did fifty sit ups, I would do fifty one. If she was in my run group, I would run faster. She was about thirty pounds lighter than me. She couldn't figure out "WHY THAT FAT GIRL KEPT BEATING HER" (her words...lol). Why? because I had made up my mind that there was no way in h*ll that girl was EVER going to beat me. I could be 32 out of 33 and be fine, as long as I came in in front of her. I could be dying, my arms ripped off by a combine and I would still beat her. On our last run of basic, Dora was faltering. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that in some strange way this little nit had helped me get through basic training. So I dropped back on my run far enough to taunt..."come on dora, you aren't going to let the fat girl beat you..are you?" That did it, it popped her butt into gear...but I still beat her. It is a mindset. When I see people say, I can't stop or I can't beat it....they are right. If you say can't, you can't. If you say you can, you can. You will or you won't. It is a decision. What do you want more. Do you want to win or lose. There is no middle ground. On the back of my exercise t-shirt I have yoda's words of wisdom: Do or Do Not-There is no Try.
Hope everyone has a great (and winning) day.


ummm....not so much...

Well, I had my splurge day again this month. I decided to have a cheesey chicken chimichanga and mexican coleslaw and root beer. Afterward we went to cold stone and I get a love it sized sweet cream ice cream with chocolate shaving and cherries. Why am I telling you all this?? Why am I torturing you poor inhabitants of diet land? because, quite frankly the whole thing was meh. IT tasted fine, not orgasmic. After I was done with my 670 calorie sunday and 1400 calorie dinner ( I looked up my splurge because quite frankly i didn't enjoy it that much, I was queesy, not cheesy. It's not that good folks. I enjoy my dinners at home as much and probably more. You know why. I don't feel sick afterwards. Mentally or physically. I just don't get much out of food anymore. Heck, I think I enjoyed my radishes and salt last night more. hmmmm.....could it be that I have broken through my food addiction. I sure hope so. Still measuring though. After I got done with all that garbage, I took a nap. Then I got up and walked two miles. After I sweated a bit and drank about 40 oz's of water I felt better. I don't know that my splurge day works for me anymore. I know jillian michaels recommends a few higher calorie days during the month to keep your body a little off balance. I might employ that little strategy instead. So, you guys keep up the good fight, and feel better....just remember...it's not that good.
Talk to you later,


July....the longest month???

Ugh...July seems really long. Every year it's bottom out with the money and it's just so hot. I don't like heat. I prefer the fall. I had a weird couple weeks working out because of my illness in june, which took four or five days to recover from. It was so strange I didn't take my usual rest two sundays in a row which led to these odd no walking days, Of which, today was one. I have walked for nine days strait although one was a one miler. Yesterday was the hardest walk because I felt so tired and did three miles anyway. It has been really hot here, in the high 80's. So today I kept my calories where they should be, but skipped a walk. I have a feeling I will feel better tommorrow. Tommorrow is my cheat day. It was going to be the 14th (which is my daughter's birthdy party, I don't like cake, can take or leave ice cream and now have realized I don't want pizza). So, why expend my cheat day on foods I don't want to eat. I want mexican, so I will have my cheat day tommorrow because the rest of my week is full, and I won't have time for a trip out to eat. I have discovered I don't miss much food. I do miss tortilla chips and am really looking forward to my spinach enchilada with queso blanco baby. I am down 20 lbs from where I started. It's only been seven weeks. I don't want to lose too much too soon, but am not pushing too hard I don't think. I weigh 242 right now. I started at 262.4. This post looks like my brain. A mish mash. I have a lot of stuff going on right now, just getting on here to write something down was a chore, so at least it's done. I have a feeling this blog is more important than I think it is. I am going to walk two miles tommorrow, and then the eat fest starts at five. Hope you all have a good day.


What Freedom is....

Happy fourth of July everyone. We had a good one here. We didn't go to a major fireworks show, but our neighborhood put on one heck of a display. It was really nice to see all the neighbors and the kids enjoying the evening. I was having a great day today, that is until someone whom I shall not name decided that I could be their emotional dumping ground once again. You see, when ever this someone gets upset about just about anything, they try to either lay a guilt trip or make me feel like crap. They drop a verbal bomb and then storm out so that of course you aren't allowed to reply. This is standard behavior on this person's part. In days of old, I would have chased this person down and attempted to explain the 'misunderstanding'. I have come to realize there is no misunderstanding. This is manipulation of the highest order. Then this person comes in a few hours later and acts like nothing ever happened. This person is also very selective about when they get upset. You see, they make sure they get upset when there is no time to talk. And, when they upset you, you are just being sensitive and imagining things.
In the old days, I used to think that it was me. I must be so stupid that I don't know when I am being completely awful. But no, it isn't. I am sure there are times when I am at fault. But this wasn't one of those times. There were others present and they saw it the same way. This would have made me very anxious in the past, as I was afraid of either being abandoned or left. Now, it just makes me angry. Right now I am attempting to let the anger go. The happier and more balanced I become, the more angry, bitter and insecure this other person acts. I may not have any control over how another person behaves or speaks, but I do have control over how I react. I will not comfort myself with food. I will not be "relieved" when this other person stops being upset with me. I am fine right now. I had a very good day, and that is what I will focus on right now. I love my children and they had a great time. I had a great time. I Hope you all have and did have a great time. Freedom is the space between the action and your reaction. In that space, you choose...and that is freedom. My calories today were 1660 and I walked 2 miles..for me.


Feeling good, Missouri 60

Okay, so, I have figured out that the five days prior to my period....Tom to all those in the know, is lethal and potentially dangerous territory. Everything from food dreams to mood swings. You may be thinking right now "doesn't she know this". No, she doesn't...at thirty five I don't know my own body because I have spent fifteen years eating away all emotions, symptoms and signs of anything and everything. I have not gone off program. I have been OP Since May 4th. On July 4th it will be two months OP. Which is funny because July 4th is my husband's three year sober anniversary. How have I stayed on Program for almost two months.
Here's how.

1.) Eating protein with every meal. It keeps me full. This way i engage my brain before eating.

2.)Starting my day right. I start every day with some fruit. For some reason, knowing i have already started with something healthy makes it feel like the day is mine and I am winning.

3.)I have personalized the fat. The fat is no longer a part of me, it's an unwanted visitor that needs to leave. Sometimes i take people and the feelings they give me and apply it to my fat, if this sounds crazy,it probably is, that's okay.... It's no more crazy than eating my way to an early grave. So, something like someone giving me a nasty face, I blame it on my unwanted guest. It may well be my personality, but my fat is my scapegoat. If I get my unwanted guest to leave, my life will be better. So instead of reaching for food, I exercise. Because every time I walk, every apple I eat, every good meal choice is one calorie closer to winning.

4.) When I get an intense craving, I try to find a way to fit it in without going over my calories. For instance, this month has been a food LANDMINE. Birthday parties, other people with their food. My favorite phrase this month is no, and my favorite activity is to leave the room. My kids wanted ice cream the other day, and why shouldn't they? They are slim and healthy. I knew I wanted some. generally I can take or leave ice cream but Tom was on the way. SO, I LOOKED UP THE NUTRITIONAL VALUES OF ICE CREAMS AT DAIRY QUEEN. I found something I could eat. The kids vanilla cone. Basically a 20 bite treat at 140 calories. My eight year olds was bigger, she had a small and thought that was funny. Eat it, but know the caloric price.

5.) I have a splurge day. It's one day a month, for me that is doable. I pre plan it. my hours are between 5pm and 11 pm. You can't do nearly as much damage as you (or I) would like to. My stomach can't hold what it used to. But I eat whatever and i mean WHATEVER i WANT. Cheese sticks, pizza, chips you name it. But the coach turns into a pumpkin at 11. And no, I don't binge...just eat till I am full. and nope, I don't feel guilty, I just act like that six hour period of time never happened and then I am back op.

6.) I make the majority of my meals with my family and then leave out the starch at dinner. That is ususally where the calories are. So, chicken stuffing and salad. Me-chicken and salad.

7.) No liquid calories except for my two cups of coffee a day. Those who knew me BEFORE know that you could have just hooked up a coffee iv, and I would have been happy. Now it's two a day, two T of milk and two T of sugar in each. To me, the calories are worth it.

8.) I keep strict count of my calories, down to a bite or two of anything, and I weigh or measure everything I put in my mouth.(My only exception is splurge day, it never happened...remember ;).

Well, that's enough for now.
My commitment for this month is that all my walks will be at least 2 miles long with one three mile walk per week. My calories will all be at or right around 1700 calories.
My walk today was 2.5 miles, and according to my scale, while on Tom and after a nice hefty dinner, I weigh 246 lbs.

Have a great day, and to those on the missouri sixty challenge...Good luck.