11.30.2009

Commitment and determination....

are just words.

I am about to write a post that may pop some bubbles, but I do it with good intent.
You will see why shortly.

First things first...
I want to post a couple of quotes from the beginning of my journey.
Right now, people who swing by my blog see a ball of fire...a free Wheel burning baby.
Hitting milestones, kicking this weight loss thing in the *ss.
Mind and heart are set, all it's taking now is time.
You might wonder...

How do You get that kind of commitment and determination?

The same place I got it
From. My. Head.

First the quotes:
From June 1rst, 3 weeks after I started....
"In my own life I had allowed food to become my addiction. I used it in the same way a drunk uses booze or a drug addict uses heroin. It was not to feed my body, it was a comfort for bad feelings, it was fun when I was bored. Now I am obese, I have been obese probably for the last 9 years, before that I was overweight. You might say that alchohol hurts the family. Well, guess what. So does my obesity. I avoid doing things because of my weight. I don't go to swimming pools, I avoid family photos, I am too tired to play or go to the park. I have cheated my kids out of alot of things because of my blindness to my own addiction. A while back I was standing in a public place, and I saw myself in a full length mirror, not just from the waist up. I really saw myself. I looked fat and felt old. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the store. I told my friends this and even my husband. What I didn't say was that, that night as I was lying in bed, I told God that I couldn't do it. I have been on every diet known to man and have quit every single time. The last time I tried to "diet" I ended up on my treadmill crying because I could feel in my spirit that I had no hope. ....I was no better than anyone else. Knowing that I use food like a drug has helped me resist overeating. This is a day to day struggle for me."

From June 4th,

"Quite the word, accountability. To be held to account. What better place really, than the world wide web. I have put a lot of leverage on myself this time around. Short of taking out a sign on the freeway (hmmmm .....), this is as public as I can make my journey to lose weight. I have no faith in my willpower, why? Because inevitably, my will turns to eating, and then I WILL EAT. "

From June 17th:

"All of us fat girls know this, we make up for our weight by using humor, being accomodating, and putting ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. We put ourselves down before anyone else does. We make Jokes at our own expense that say "See, you don't have to feel bad, I know I am fat...I'll be the funny one, the nice one, the one who listens to everyone's problems while stuffing down my own with food. I don't want to get in anyone's way, I am not worth taking up anyone's time, even my own.".

and the wall I had to get over to get where I am now, putting my past into the graveyard of history....
This is from September,
I have a history of dieting and failing and always, always, always, it was more the mental than the physical.
It's all in the mind.

This is from September 9th of 2009.

"Are you charting your own course or are you letting others chart it for you? Sometimes there are no choices or very limited ones...... It's all about being proactive and thinking things through, running your life instead of having it run you.
That is why weight loss is so hard. Every single thing we do throughout the day requires us to act in a new way, instead of react in the old way. Every bite of food is a deliberate act. Every walk or exercise time is a deliberate act of the will.
"

I had a 'bad couple of days" in early September.
My past rose up and bit me in the rear. My depression that used to consume me at various points in my life, hovered above my head like a foreboding cloud.

This is where I had tried and failed too many times to count.
I knew I had to face my fears and get through them or I would never get better.
I had to bury it. I buried my past by spitting it out- in the hardest post I have ever written or ever will write....It was called pushing past everything and it is in September if anyone cares to read it.
What we cover up will pop up, what we ignore won't go away...and what we try to stuff down will show. On our bodies.
In our life.

I thought...THOUGHT....I couldn't do this.
For years I would lose thirty pounds...and regain them. I would say "I am not that bad"...or,, "It was the weekend, I only live once"....
or, "He should love me whatever I weigh".
When I didn't love me, whatever I weighed.
It was all an excuse to hold on to my one last crutch. Food.
I allowed food to be my opiate.
I didn't want to quit. I thought I could lose a little and hold on to my addiction, then one day I looked up and realized that my addiction had a hold of me..
On May 4th, 2009. I realized my addiction to food was stealing my life. Stealing and had already stolen precious moments I can't get back.
I don't have one picture of my pregnancy with my youngest.
I was too ashamed.
I heard Joyce Meyer say about a week or two before my flip switched:
"If you can't control what you put in your mouth, what do you control?"
That stuck with me, I like to think I controlled everything.
For a long time, I let food control me.

Who do you want in charge of your life?
An inanimate object?
Or you?
I realized that I have had the control all along.
The right, the power, the ability....it was all right here....
I just had to say no to food. Food my body doesn't need.
I say yes. I say no.
It's all about control.
Can you take your life back?

I KNOW that I can.
I know that you can.
How does that happen?

YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN.
One day you wake up and say NO MORE.
There isn't a chicken fry, a malt, a slab of steak, a cup of ice cream that is worth feeling like this anymore.
Food didn't make me happy, in fact
NOTHING MADE ME HAPPY.
That was a clue.
WHERE IS YOUR PASSION?
Find it, you will find your purpose for getting healthy.
WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE?
Answer it, and you will have a goal to strive for.
How do you want your family, your friends, and your children to see you...to remember you?
Know that and you will figure the rest out.
YOU HAVE TO WANT TO LIVE A FULL LIFE, MORE THAN YOU WANT FOOD.

If you don't know what you want or why you want it, you won't lose the weight.

BECAUSE YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMMITTED TO.

YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DETERMINED TO FIND, OR WHO YOU ARE DETERMINED TO BE.

Do you think you CAN'T?
YOUR RIGHT.

Do you think you CAN.
YOUR RIGHT.

If you are thinking right now....Why bother?
Then you have some questions to answer.

If your thinking, I can't wait....How do I start.
START NOW.

Every moment, you create yourself anew with your intentions.
I woke up one day and decided that If I had known who I would become as a teenager, I would be ashamed.

I want to be proud of who I am.
Of what I have accomplished.
I want to be someone to be modeled, not a bad example of something to avoid.

Decide who you want to be...
AND BE IT.

I look back at those posts, and quite frankly...I hardly recognize myself.
Who was that person?
I am creating myself anew daily. I am becoming who I want to be, someone I can be proud of.
There is nothing more motivating than making a commitment to being someone you admire.

You can do it too.
You just have to decide to.
Hugs,
Chris

11.29.2009

WORLDS WORST....

post..
This is going t o be a short one, cause man am I tired.
I have to get up early and take my oldest to school, I got homeschool tomorrow etc.
need the sleep.
I did go to the gym today (huge surprise...lol)
I think people are probably wondering if I just sleep in the locker room at this point.
I did an hour on Arnold...burned 620 calories and then did
120 situps. Not bad...
My legs and hips were still a little sore from yesterdays walk/jog.
I have eaten 1490 calories today and right now I am starving.
I have a suspicion that my body is starting to shed weight a little faster.
Not sure why, maybe it's increased muscle mass.
My post tomorrow is going to about dedication and commitment.
I think it will be a very good post cause the inspiration for it came from Steve aka southbeach steve and
Tricia from Endurance isnt only physical. I just found her blog today, and the way she approaches weight loss is almost dead on with how I do it...especially how she started with 21 straight days of exercise.
That is EXACTLY what I did...
I called it everyday in may.
Everyday in may of this year, after may 4th that is..I walked.
Everyday in may.
But that is for tomorrow's post.
If you haven't read Tricia's blog you should.
Great for maintenance if you want to get a heads up on that.
Hope everyone had a great day.
I know I did.
Hugs,
Chris

11.28.2009

Things to do when I am thin...

November, November...will it ever, ever, ever...ender?

Not a word... ender...I know.
well, headed on post today.
You know my accidental walk earlier in the year...well, I walk it three or four times a month now.
Today I jogged parts. Whenever the mood hit me. I probably jogged 1/2 mile of a 3 mile walk.
I still can't believe running doesn't feel terrible for me anymore.
I could feel my butt fat jiggle but oh well....wait this isn't tmi tuesday is it? Oh well.
I like being outside to walk alot better than walking on a track or treadmill at the gym...
since I want to rotate my workouts as much as possible, I have to walk and not do the precor sometimes.
When I get down weightwise a bit I would like to try kickboxing. I do precor about four days a week but I don't want to over develop my thighs. So I try running some, I would love to do kickboxing, the rowing machine etc.
aerobic dance or zumba would be a ton of fun.
I am going to have to mix things up within the next three months or so to keep my body guessing.
I am thinking of doing calorie cycling. I want to average 1500, so 1400/1600 and then 1300/1700.....
something like that...one week i will keep it steady and hit it up at the end with a higher calorie day...like 1500/1500/1500/1400/1400/1400/1800.... Something like that...and follow that week with the 1400/1600 till I hit the 180's...
I don't ever want to Plateau.
So I mix it up before I get there.
I am thinking about posting progress pics on the side of my blog.
I love my awards but I want to start really focusing on the hows of the whole thing.
What's working and what isn't. Maybe I could make a seperate page for that I am not sure how all this works...need to fiddle.
Once I hit maintenance, this blog is going to change big time.

I have had an idea that I have been thinking about and mulling over for a while now.
Things fat girls don't do...
kind of a weekly special.
Things you don't do when fat....I will do them and then post a picture showing it.
I have decided what I really want to do with my blog is inspire, encourage and motivate.
Show that it can be done, and that when it is done...how to maintain it
AND
HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH IT...
I think sometimes we lose the weight and then sit down and live the same lives we lived before.
We had all these ideas and when we got there, we don't do them
I want to do them.
I am going to come up with a few things.
and get back to you...
if you all can come up with some things you would do if you were thin, let me know.
Write them in the comments below..
who knows, I may do them.

Some idea I have are:
Go shopping for skinny jeans (not just anything that will fit)
Get hired at hooters (then quit, I ain't working there lol)
be a ring girl ( I am not sure what this involves..knowing how to hold a placard and walk in heels?)
Go clubbing in club clothing...(yes, micro mini.... will be wearing industrial strength hot pants underneath)
become a black belt in martial arts.
try a pole dance class (they only hold people up to 199 lbs lol)
run a 5K
Hike up pikes peak and back down...(24 miles)
Go to a water park wearing a bikini.
Can you guys think of some?
I am up for pretty much anything...
talk at you all later,
Hugs,
Chris

11.27.2009

December 1rst...countdown to the new year.

You'll notice that I stopped counting...I realized I had been counting down to onederland...well, I made it.
So, if you get there you stop counting.
Starting on December 1rst, I am going to count down to the new year. Then I am counting down to our trip back east.

I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day. It irritated me.
Strike that...
It enraged me
I have busted my *ss to get where I am.
This person knows that.
They have this 'idea' that all anyone needs to do is 'listen' to when they are hungry.
This person has never been morbidly obese, ever.
If I even had the slightest ability to discern real hunger and emotional hunger, I never would have gotten to 130 lbs over my ideal weight.
Well, they just stopped eating when they weren't 'hungry' and 'dropped a couple of pants sizes".
GOOD FOR YOU.
Sorry, I can't just 'drop' a couple of pants sizes.
I can't just eat an apple here, or a carrot there.
This is the same person who thinks an alcoholic can drink in moderation.
It . drives. me. INSANE.
I will be seeing this person in a few months.
I sooooo badly want to go in there rocking a size ten minimum...
and then say
that I just
dropped
into
it....
It would definitely take some doing, but nothing gets me going like wanting to pound someone into sand.
This is why I don't compete. I will go until I collapse OR win.
But after that phone call I just wanted to do two hours of cardio and start dropping pounds.
I have key lime pie left and everything else...I didn't touch a thing today.
I have seven months left to bring it, and bring it I will.
I am not going to starve myself.
I am not going to injure myself.
Right now I am 198.
By January 1rst, I want to be 190.
I am hoping to drop 52 lbs by July 18th, 2010.
That would be an average of 2 lbs a week for 6 and a half months. At the end...2 lbs a week would be extremely hard to do...but I might have so much momentum going by then that I would be willing to do a 1200 calorie day...we'll see.
If I lose focus, I could sign up for another 'conversation'....
I am going to focus right now on day by day. Until January 1rst...and then see what my position is. I am ready to drop former fat girl status and enter the green with envy phase of my journey. I don't ever want to listen to someone blather on about their size 14's and tell me how happy they are for my health.
I know this sounds ungrateful...
I can't explain the conversations I have with this person, but the words and the vibes never add up.
If I am in an 8, that shoulder pat ain't gonna happen.
It's on baby.
I hope you guys are primed, locked and loaded.
Hugs,
Chris

11.26.2009

Thanksgiving Day....past and present...

hello all,
Well, Today was very nice.
I ate and ate....I couldn't eat like I used to, but since it was my splurge day...I did not keep track of my calories.
I had a piece of banana nut bread with real butter.
I had about 30 potato chips
I had about 4 oz of turkey
1 cup of mashed potatoes and a little gravy
1/2 an apple
a bit of stuffing
1/2 wedge of brie (as good as it sounds)
3 oz of colby cheese
5 slices summer sausage
a handful of triscuits
a handful of chicken n bisquit crackers
1 cup of coke
It was great....
I also went to the gym which should mitigate some of the damage.. burned 600 calories and did 100 situps while the turkey was cooking.
I figure by this time on november 27th I should be calorie neutral lol.
I don't have a spread like this at christmas so the rest of the year is pretty much cake er...carrot for me lol.
oh and ....
1 slice of key lime pie with whipped cream.

I took my daughter for a walk after dinner, we saw a fox run along the edge of our prairie and dart away into the bushes...it was pretty cool.

Thanksgiving Past,
I remember growing up, all the guys would go hunting and come in just before we ate thanksgiving. they would sit down and watch the detroit lions play whoever....one year it was the cowboys.
We were supposed to be lions fans but my cousin carrie and I wanted to be Dallas cowboy cheerleaders.
While my mom was in the kitchen making her sweet rolls and stuffing, we would stand in the hallway of our trailer, she had brought her blue pom poms and I had my white, and we traded one each and 'practiced' being Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. lol.
I remember the smell of coffee and turkey, and Duane yelling
"What in the hell is all that jumping around!"
Then carrie and I would yell back "Nothing' and do it all over again.
It was our big secret. We would run away when we were 18 and join the squad...I think we were 9 or 10 at the time.
I haven't seen her in years.
I wonder what my kids will remember when they get older.
Happy thanksgiving to everyone in blogland.
Hugs,
Chris
p.s. I love this new song, empire state of mind...it is stuck in my head constantly. I think it is a beautiful ode to New york. It's going to be huge.

11.25.2009

Day 17...weird food/ clean van

Hey all,
today was wednesday so no gym....I did do a .8 mile walk tonight...I just felt like I had to move.
I had two eggs and a piece of toast, 2 cups of coffee, one salami and provolone sandwich and two deviled eggs and 1 cup of yogurt with peaches and honey.
My grand total was1530 calories..
It was a strangely bad eggy food day....mostly cause I was cooking most of it and couldn't manage to make a decent meal.
At least I kept the calories in line.
I can feel my cholesterol climbing though.lol.
Tomorrow is my splurge day and won't be much better.
I did manage to wash my van though.
Kind of a non day day.
the day before thanksgiving always feels like that.
I spend all day cooking, and the day feels like it came and went without me in it.
Tomorrow is turkey day, and gym day as well....
I am going to pound it tomorrow. Hope all of you have a great day, and relax and enjoy your families...
For those that missed them, I posted before and during pics in my last post...down below.
Hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving...Talk to you tomorrow night.
Chris out.

11.24.2009

Day 16 - A picture is worth a thousand words...

I would like to preface these pictures with some excuse...but I don't have one.
I was in complete denial about my weight. I had no idea until May 4th, 2009 that I was this fat. I don't know how. I can't explain why...So I will just post this first picture.
This was taken
at the chapel hills mall on May 4,2009. I was about 20 minutes away from my flip switching. It is a rarity that someone comes this close to having the exact moment their life changes photographed...for this I will be eternally grateful to my friend Amber...at faith,love, kids & me. Her blog is to the left, she is training for a half marathon..so drop in and give her some encouragement. At the time she took this picture, she had no idea what she was doing was capturing a moment in time for me. Thank you Amber.
You will have to enlarge the picture (just click on it to enlarge it). I knew amber was taking pictures of the girls, so I was half hidden behind a shelf. But you can see me. I am the one sipping the coffee in a sweater I thought "Hid my weight'....
Yeah.










The next is about one week after I started dieting and exercising, but before I had weighed myself...I am guessing 265 or 268 area. Size 24 pants. This was our girl scout tea party.
I am the lady in the denim shirt with my arms crossed. Again, enlarge by clicking.








The little girl standing is my Sophia.



This is me as of about one hour ago... 198 lbs. Size 18 pants. (I did pull some 16's up and over my rear end...but was about three inches from zipping.)




So,
I went to the gym. Again.
I hopped on Christian for 70 minutes...burned 600 calories and traveled 5 miles.
He takes longer than Arnold, but he's more elegant.
Then I stretched, stretched and stretched some more.
Tomorrow is my day off, Wednesday.
Thursday is Thanksgiving...and if you are wondering if I am going to the gym...I am.
While I am sweating, I can thank God I ain't as fat as I used to be.
I have realized that for the rest of my life, It is going to have to be day one-year zero.
After seeing those pictures, I have realized that I will never be able to 'eyeball' portions.
I will have to be forever vigilant.
That's okay, better vigilant than sorry.
This really is for the rest of my life.
The good parts and the hard parts....but I would rather have the body I earned through hard work, discipline and exercise than the body I earned through mindless eating and self delusion.
I feel stronger every day.
Mentally stronger.
That is one of the best parts of this whole journey.
I was always one of those people who prided myself on my mental toughness.
But having victories under my belt has gone a long way in putting strut supports up in my mind.
It has given me the knowledge that I can achieve whatever I set out to do If I apply concentrated effort and am willing to pay the price dictated by whatever activity I choose.
Weight loss does come with a price.
I can't eat my feelings, I have to face them.
I don't get to be the comforting, non-threatening, maiden aunt type anymore.
Or whatever it was I was going for.
When I get to my goal weight, I won't ever be able to say someone treated me badly, or left me because of my weight.
At that point, if someone doesn't like me....they just don't like me.
I'm good with that.
I don't feel the need to be liked by all anymore.
I want to like me.
Every moment is a new opportunity to choose your direction.
I have been reading a book about Jewish mysticism...they say that every moment, God is creating the world anew through his intentions.
We do the same.
Hope you are being deliberate and intentional with your life and your choices.
Hugs,
Chris

11.22.2009

Day 15- I hate blogger

nuff said.

I tried forever to upload three pictures...It won't let me...this is frustrating to no end...

This occurs with undue frequency.
Bad maintenance.

I will then frustrate you with what I couldn't upload.

I found a picture of the day my flip switched. That picture and a picture just after that really showed me at my highest weight. I was shocked at how big I looked in those pictures. I almost cried. I was embarrassed for a second, then was so glad I don't look like that anymore.

The picture I posted before...a few posts down (which also took two days to upload) I had already lost 14 lbs at that point.

When I weighed myself, I weighed 262. In that picture I was 249.8 lbs.

I had already been dieting and exercising for two weeks before the 262 number, so I was probably closer to 270 when I started...in the pictures I found...I looked it.


Blogger can't be screwed up forever. As soon as I can, I will post the pictures with my updated full body pictures...but even if you never saw my new full body pic, just the change in my neck and face is amazing. I didn't see myself as THAT big. They would be really cool to post, the day my life changed. It would be amazing...I just can't get it on the flippin' blog.

Well, moving on...I had a hecka good workout at the gym. I did 60 minutes on Arnold, 75 sit-ups 35 push-ups and at least 5 minutes of stretching. ( I have recently discovered the importance of stretching.)

I burned 630 calories and did 4.65 miles.

I am sitting here in November of 2009, about 7 months out from going back to Michigan.
I am psyched.

After seeing that Before before picture, and knowing what people saw when they saw me the last time I visited, even if I dropped in on them now, the change would be startling....I can't wait to see their faces fifty pounds from now.

It gives me that much more motivation...I don't think I need anymore cause it this point it is kind of overflowing into a big ball of energy.

Want some?

Here you go....

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!



SEIZE THE DAY, NOT THE PANCAKE!!!



POUND THAT SKINNY MINNY NEXT TO YOU INTO DUST!!!



DO THOSE SIT-UPS!!!



SCREW YOU BUDDY, WHILE YOU'VE ALREADY PEAKED...I GOT ROOM TO IMPROVE AND I ALREADY LOOK PRETTY GOOD!!! AND NO, I'M NOT DONE WITH THIS MACHINE!!!!



There you go....

all caps over lol.

That's how I feel inside. Like I am at bootcamp and Jillian is my instructor and she can't keep up.

My beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns

hahaaaaaaaaaaaa

Calories sitting at 1300....need to eat something...will probably down some protein.

Gotta fuel the machine baby.
Have a great Tomorrow..
I am sorry I can't get to all your blogs tonight...I ended up at Wal-mart and Mardel picking up educational stuff till 9:30 at night.
Will definitely be by tomorrow..will get to at least five tonight.
Hugs,
Chris

Day 14---Important news...I'm not in Kansas anymore


For the last three days, I have been getting on the scale...and every day
It said something like...
198.
I didn't trust it the first day, so I waited...
I hopped on the second day, It said 198
I hopped on Today....Just after the wicked witch of the west dropped Tom off for his monthly visit...surely I thought....surely I would be back up over two hundred. Today with Tom weighing me down.
I hopped on today...
198.
(W)onederland.
I didn't cry...I didn't scream..
but glenda did descend and tell me that I could have gone to wonederland whenever I had wanted....
not really, but metaphorically.
I feel happy. I feel different. A number shouldn't mean this much, but it does.
I also remember what I used to tell myself at over 260 lbs.
I used to say, oh if only I could go back to the 190's, I wouldn't take it for granted.
I would bust my hump and lose the weight.
Now I am here.
My first thought, and this is being honest...
was GOOD, IT'S ON....
I have what I wanted. I am in the 190's.
I am 68 lbs from goal.
68 LBS FROM GOAL.
I have lost 64 lbs.
From here on out it's asses and elbows.
No rest for the weary cause I ain't weary and I don't need a rest.
I don't feel satisfied, I feel energized.
I'm going to bury this weight.
I am going to put this in the dust bin of history.
I can't believe I am here already....
It was 6 months on November 18th...
I don't know what I expected when I started. But the idea that all it takes was eating 1500 calories and exercising an hour a day...
That thought never crossed my mind.
I thought I had set up a process which would take me at least two or three years to finish.
In six months I am halfway there.
I did not starve.
I say no alot more than I did. I count calories, I weigh my portions.
I exercise.
I eat a little differently, mostly swapping out lower fat and calorie choices for the higher fat ones.
Once a month, for a meal....I eat exactly what I want, no calorie counting and no limits.
It's really worked for me.
I think that is the key, finding what works for you.
Finding foods you can eat daily.
Exercise you can do daily.
A life that is livable daily.
That is what (w)onederland is....
A place you create.
Come create your own place...
Glenda is waiting.
Hugs,
Chris

11.21.2009

day 13-The gordian knot

Is located in the back of my left thigh.

I was a 'little' sore from mondays workout, so I took a three mile walk yesterday to take it easy and let my left leg recover. It was just really tight.

So I hop on Arnold and have what you might call an "arnold's revenge" workout.
It usually takes 5 minutes or so to really loosen up. Well, thirty minutes in and I was still struggling to loosen up. My leg was just seizing. So I slowed up a little and took it easy and got off at 45 minutes...burned 450 calories. Then I went out to the track and walked a half mile to try and shake off the cramp. Didn't work.
Then I stretched, and stretched and stretched....and stretched.
It helped a little.
To be fair to my poor body, it had a busy day.
Up by 7 to go to hand out angel food.
Stopped by two stores to pass out flyers,
Went home, washed dishes.
Hubby home with check...take it on post where I deposited it...am forced to stand in line in front of two obnoxious teenagers who are talking about getting it on...then the girls dad calls, she lies to her dad, hangs up...laughs about lying to her dad, mocks his concern....and then her dad calls back...for a moment I almost pulled an 'old chris' move.
You see, back before I had learned 'tact'...and 'appropriate boundaries' I would have turned around, grabbed the phone and told the father verbatim what I had just listened to...then watch the little sh*ts p*ss their pants. lolol.
Ahhhh, but it was only in my imagination....
Sometimes I think I've become too civilized.
Well, after the bank, I went home...got dressed for the gym....went and did workout* (see above)
and then did Thanksgiving grocery shopping.
61 lbs ago...I could have done all those on three consecutive days but not in one.
So, here I sit..typing this to you all...about to have the biggest, hottest bath I can possibly manage.
I can't wait.
Calories in today 1480.
Hope you all had a 'tactful' and full day...
lol,
hugs,
Chris

11.20.2009

Day 12...In America...Is Fat the new leprosy?

Why is it that with approximately 65 % of our over 20 population overweight or obese, That the morbidly obese are still the target of so much scorn and hatred...heck, they even get it from the merely 'overweight' crowd.
I am approaching merely 'overweight'. When I was morbidly obese I was ignored.
I don't mean your run of the mill ignored. I mean door smacking into my forehead ignored. I mean when I did make eye contact, I would get a mildly disgusted look and a quick turn of the head back.
I know this wasn't my imagination.
You know how I know.
The same gym at which the infamous forehead smack happened at, well lets just say, I have had the door held for me the last twenty pounds or so.
more so in the last five lbs.
In 60 lbs, I may get a red carpet rolled out for me, who knows.
I have been ogled by a redneck, given free service at best buy by a strange looking little man.
I have had the door held, random hellos from men in parking lots and today...
Today I was whooped at as I took a 3 mile walk on post.
yes, whooped at...granted it was at a distance.
I turned around cause it kind of sounded like the death call of a wild animal...but there were two guys hanging out of a pickup truck saying woo hooooooo.... looking good!
(why is it always the ones in pickups?)
I tried to feel flattered, but it was the same types 60 pounds ago that would snicker as I walked past in the adjoining neighborhood....they snickered and said "have a niiiiiiiice walk" in a real sing songy voice.
pricks.

Now those fools probably wouldn't recognize me, in fifty pounds they may even try to hit on me in a bar or something.
Why do we reduce people to body parts?
I read a heartbreaking story about a 500 pound man who had hurt his knee. When he was released from the hospital the paramedics sent him home, he sat in a chair where he got stuck...for five months.
His wife called people to help, but no one came. They didn't have health insurance..so the man sat there until he died.
I know some of y0u have only gained 20 or 30 lbs and want to look better. That's a struggle of it's own.
My concern lies with the people who have gained 80,100...200....300 or more pounds.
Cause at that point, it's psychological. You are using food as something other than fuel.
You could be 20 pounds into this phenomena.
We all start somewhere.
We can't just dismiss and ignore these people. Where is the compassion for people who are struggling with a food addiction?
If that were a man who was drinking or drugging himself to death, he would have been able to find help.
The pushers would have been punished as well as the people feeding his addiction. I think the man's wife bears quite a responsibility.
If that man couldn't get out of the chair, who was getting him food?
When the paramedics were called as he was dying, they cut him out of the chair...he had ballooned from 500 lbs to 800 lbs.
She could have put him on a diet. What was he going to do... say no?
We have to stop enabling people. Including ourselves.
I did it for years, telling myself it wasn't that bad.
It was that bad. I am not talking about 'packing on a few pounds'....or 'not fitting into my skinny jeans'.
I am talking morbid obesity.

I saw a blurb where 1 in 10 people don't know that they are OBESE. Obese is anything more than 30 lbs overweight.
We use fuzzy language to make it better...chubby, pudgy...pleasantly plump.

In America, Fat people are laughed at....they are the primary target of jokes in comedies...I don't think there is any other substrata of people so ridiculed and maligned. It is viewed as something 'within their control'...well, in reality..so is drinking and drug abuse, but these groups of people are helped. The obese are Not helped. I know there are groups out there for fat acceptance and I can see why. A little sensitivity would go a long way in taking some of the solitude out of the fat experience. But when you are that overweight, when you are that unhealthy, sitting by and doing nothing...enabling, can be just as bad as going out and buying your alcoholic spouse a case of beer.
Here are some statistics:

http://correct-weight-loss.net/2009/11/19/being-overweight-affects-your-brains/
You lose brain matter when you are overweight.

http://actionagainstobesity.ning.com/profiles/blogs/does-being-overweight-affect
It affects your ability to get a job.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,136367,00.html
It can affect your ability to get pregnant.
I am not writing a blank prescripton for chronic disease for all overweight people, some people who are just overweight are very healthy. In fact, being 10 lbs overweight in your forties and fifties may help you stay alive....look it up...it's true!
I am speaking of 100 lbs and more, it's going to catch up with you.
People always say, if it is so painful why don't they change.
They don't change for the same reason drunks sometimes drink themselves to death, or someone shoots heroin until they OD.
It's the only coping mechanism they know.
I viewed a few Richard Simmons interviews today.
He treats the obese and morbidly obese like the human beings they are. He tells them not to give up, that they are worthy of retrieving their healthier selves.
If this country is ever going to get healthier, we need to change how we view this problem.
okay,
I am off my soapbox...
That story about the man in North Carolina really bugged me for some reason.
My calories today are sitting at 1500 on the nose, pretty cool huh.
exercise, three mile walk...30 push ups and some tracy anderson plie's.
Hope you all are making great choices and getting healthier,
hugs,
Chris

11.19.2009

Day 11...Arnold is sorry...

I Rode Arnold and put him away wet. so to speak.
700 calories burned and a load of frustration has been....wait for it....TERMINATED.
Calories in at 1530. I went grocery shopping right after the gym.
EVERYTHING looked good. I was all "look dried cranberries, or "look, rice stuffed shrimp" or "look Turkey bacon".
????
I don't eat rice stuffed shrimp...normally.
I didn't buy it.
I got a few items and then went home and had me a taco salad. 3 white corn shells, 4 oz. meat, 2 oz. lowfat cheese, a ton of tomatoes and green onion, lettuce, salsa, black olive and 3 T of greek yogurt. Awesome.

I get home, and I start dinner. We eat and then hubby has to get his nicotine on...
So, I am attempting to wrestle this overshirt thing over my head so I can go onto the front porch (it's cold) with my husband, while he smokes his cancer stick.
My hair is all sweaty from the gym...and he stops, looks at me and says "You look really nice."
I say "Mmy hair is all greasy". (Cause I know how to accept a compliment.)
He says, "Well you are all glowy, like when your pregnant."
Which gave me a little lurch of minor panic (I am 35...add 18...oy)
until I realize this is physically impossible (won't go into details...your welcome)
I say..."Thank you"...my arms were still stuck in awkward positions over my head.
If He keeps doing this, I am going to get a big head.
Could be part of the difficulty with the shirt.
So I did over an hour on the precor and stairstepper.
Then did 105 situps. These are getting easier. Think I am going to have to up the situps.
Tomorrow is Tracy Anderson 'bring the pain' day.
I have no idea if it's doing anything for my rear yet. I'll have to ask my husband in about a month...
Something like; "Hey, does my butt look smaller?"

It will be one of those nice panicky moments we like to inflict on our men, that we can bring up later, to cudgel them into whatever chick flick, shopping spree, purse holding marathon we can think of.

I wanted to thank Sandra for the superior scribbler award. She gave it to me a few days ago, and just haven't had time to do it justice. I saw somewhere that some people are writers who blog and some are bloggers who write. I am a blogger who writes, so the idea that someone sees what I am writing as well written. (ignore that last sentence) Then I am flattered.
I will have to post the people I am going to give this award to tomorrow. I have a bunch of blogs to comment on, I can't wait to see what you guys were up to today.
Oh, and I have been meaning to say...my next weigh in will be the day before Thanksgiving, I don't know where I will be weight wise...but it's going to be razor close to (w)onederland.
TJ has assured me that Glenda the good witch will be waiting to usher me through...as she should. ;oP
Hope everyone had a great day.
And leslie, you are absolutely right. Trixie wont fix the F*%$)@^! government. That cracked me up.
Well, if not for the imbeciles we never get tired of hiring, who and what would we complain about...lol.
Hope you are all having a great day!
Hugs,
Chris
p.s. I was listening to this song by pink while working out today...while it is certainly attributable to drinking and drugs, I think It is a valid song when you consider how I used food for years to build a fat wall to protect myself.

11.18.2009

Day 10-or, I want to beat someone like a rented mule

Hey all, Maybe it was the carb load last night, or the fact that uncle tom's coming in from out of town soon...but I was a bit of a crab apple today.

First, some nimrod writes a check for girl scout dues and IT BOUNCES. It's five bucks a month people. I know times are tight. But I already spoke to this individual about coming to me if dues weren't feasible,
So, not only do we get docked the twenty bucks,but also some sort of a five dollar fee. So not only do we not have the dues for the last four months we also don't have an additional five dollars on top of that. We would have been better off if she would have told me to take a flying leap, she ain't giving me any money. screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaammmmm.
I have been doling out cash hand over fist cause I want the kids to have a good year. That would be fine, but I don't want to be doling out extra cause someone can't come to me and say "I don't have it".
Then of course our water heater has gone out. water all over the garage.
I go to get it fixed. I have to buy the water heater...fine, I get that.
Then I have to buy a carbon monoxide detector because the democrats in Denver have decided I am too much of an imbecile to decide what kind of detector to have in my house, the water heater has to be 'inspected' after it is installed and since it is gas and gives off carbon monoxide, I must have a carbon monoxide detector...even though I have lived in this house for ten years with a gas water heater with no carbon monoxide detector. So 25 bucks...then I must have 'new leads' or it wont pass inspection.
I tell the guy that our water heater is built on a wooden stand...and he says "Oh, we will have to send someone out to inspect, because we don't build stands. That will be thirty five dollars. And, if you want the water heater delivered it will be 79 dollars. The permit is 49 dollars."
After that it was all curses and dollar signs.
I just looked at him and said.
"I tell you what."
"Stick it in the back of my van, and I'll call handy man connection."
delivery...free.
I loath the government.
I ate subway for dinner...total calories today 1470 so yay!
I am voting libertarian in the next election. I don't care if her name is Trixie and she does jello shots off a donkey's *ss.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym where hopefully I will burn off all this latent anger and aggression.
Hugs,
Chris

11.17.2009

Day 9....no exercise, hot date instead...

Well, I didn't have my gym date today. But I did go on a date with my husband. We went out and I had some mexican and then we went to the movies and had some popcorn. we haven't been out together in .....months. I don't regret a thing. Had a great time. Tomorrow was supposed to be my monthly weigh in. I will probably retain like a mofo tonight so will just post my weight from this morning 201 lbs. That's right folks. 2 lbs away from onederland.
61 lbs down in 6 months. Not bad. my halfway is 197 and will be taking a full body pic then.

We went and saw 2012. I loved it...It had john cusack whom I wll always love from say anything and better off dead. I have no idea what his name was in the movie but in my head I was all "Lane, watch out..." and "Lane run!"
It had cute kids, russian mobsters....slimy politicians, supereruptions, earthquakes, tidal waves, volcanoes, and a great love story. I don't need deep, not when a movie is this wide and shallow. it even has woody harrelson, and who doesn't like woody harrelson.

I laughed, I cried...I covered my face in a few particularly gruesome places. loved it.
Had a great night. Back otk tomorrow as always.
Hope everyone had an excellent night. I need to wash this makeup hoo off my face and get in jammies and paint some clothes pins. I have reindeer ornaments to make for my girlscouts.
Talk at you all later.
hugs,
Chris

11.16.2009

Day 8...You can never have too much blue eyeshadow...

okay,


So, back to the gym...I did 60 minutes on Christian in preparation for my Tracy Anderson pain fest to follow. It went well.
I have no doubt I will feel it Tomorrow.


So, last night I went to the bx after working out. It's kind of a department store for the military at discounted prices (we also don't pay tax hehehe) any way...I am kind of new to this whole 'makeup' thing. I didn't do makeup for years*(see before photo two posts down).
Now I am attempting to kind of 'teach' myself how to apply makeup. To be a little experimental with color.


The colors I almost always use are pink, plum and brown. period.


I use a little eyeliner. Recently I have started making it a habit to apply eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss *(see my now picture two posts down).
But I still don't do blush a whole lot, or any of that other stuff. I probably will never do base....every time I do it I feel like it's clogging my pores or something....thought I would try some powder. So, I went in search of the makeup ladies that hang out there. Now, I do go light on the makeup so anything really overt makes me cringe. But this woman was a special case. I told her I was looking for a powder..now she is this little Asian lady, and she has her base and foundation on so thick I can see it. She tells me that the base powder is 'buildable'. I don't really want to be building anything on my face. I like the natural look. She tells me we should 'experiment' with color.


I look at her eyelids and it looks like she took the eyeshadow dispenser literally and on the outer half of her lids was this bright metallic copper color and on the interior was "Moss green" maybe? heavy. then lined lips and everything else you can imagine.


All I kept thinking was coco Chanel was rolling in her grave. The whole 'look in the mirror and take one piece off' was meant for accessories, but I think, given the circumstances...It could be applied to this woman's eyelids with good result. You shouldn't look like a paint palate in my opinion, it should enhance your looks and if anybody can tell you have makeup on at all, they should at least think..."Isn't she pretty'...not 'wow, I wonder what is under that makeup'.

Just sayin'.
I found a picture on the Internet that had the same vibe I was getting from this ladies face:


here you go:


except this ladies eyeshadow is a bit more subtle.
I do have brown eyes and think maybe a kind of moss green and bronze would look good....(not together obviously unless it was done softly.) I would like some good under eye concealer and I did get the powder. It goes on and one layer is more than enough since I am not spackling a building.
I do have a lady on youtube I watch now. I love her web shows. Her name is Mattie Roberts and She talks about all the stuff I never really got to do when I was a teenager. I never really hung out alot, or did alot of makeup or girly clothes. My mom had enough money to buy three shirts and three pairs of pants and one pair of shoes. That's it. I had no makeup. Once I started babysitting, I bought one dollar earings at the drug store and cheap lipstick. I bought some eyeliner but noone really showed me how to apply it. I went minimalist. I love the Internet now, cause you can look anything up.
Getting thinner while being conscious of looking better...doing this deliberately is really opening up a door into things I never thought about before. What is my style? How do I look in certain kinds of makeup? I never really paid any attention to this before. It's almost like being a teenager all over again, except I am 35 years old.
Well,
Tomorrow is my last day in my workout week.
Gonna make it a good one.
Hugs,
Chris

11.15.2009

Day 7....There's no crying at the gym...

hey all,
well...back to the gym and boy does my *ss hurt. literally.
Tracy Anderson is receiving hate mail as we speak (not really)
but holy cow pat...Anybody know how to stretch the butt? My bottom dollar was aching before I hopped on Arnold.
I felt it the whole time.
My butt.
anyway
So, I love music. I like to listen to music off the radio while I work out.
Some dude must have been grooving on my wavelength today cause I got my five favorite inspirational songs in a row.
Including the song you hear right off the bat on my blog.
So I hear that song, and then I hear unwritten and then I hear
Higher by creed.
So, I am pumping away feeling really awesome. I am burning fat cells like a mofo.
Then there's the line that says...
So let's go there, lets go there Come on, lets go there Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time. Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams And make them mine. Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams, And make them mine.

I nearly lost it right around- I feel like I'm alive for the very first time.
Because it's true.

I am not reacting, I am not just 'dealing', I am not settling. I am creating. I am being the person I want to be...not the person other people have told me I am. or even The person I used to tell myself I was. I am who I make myself. I control my life. I can be whoever I want to be....

So, there I am struggling not to cry. I'm like dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry
But every once in a while it just hits me like a ton of bricks. I am doing IT.
The THING I was so certain I couldn't do....
What else can I do?
What can I achieve if I approach it with the same focus and determination I am applying here.
If I can do this....so can you.
I failed time and time and time again. There are many reasons I failed...but those failings didn't make me a failure.
They made me smarter. They gave me a compass. If I hadn't tried and failed, I wouldn't know now what does or does not work.
So, If you have failed. Learn whatever lesson the failure taught you and apply it. If you fail again, pick yourself up again...
as I read on one blog the other day...think it was Did I eat that out loud.....begin failing, instead of quitting.
Here's some facts:
A list of Abraham Lincoln’s Failures:
Lost job, 1832
Defeated for legislature, 1832
Failed in business, 1833
Elected to legislature, 1834
Sweetheart (Ann Rutledge) died, 1835
Had nervous breakdown, 1836
Defeated for Speaker, 1838
Defeated for nomination for Congress, 1843
Elected to Congress, 1846
Lost renomination, 1848
Rejected for Land Officer, 1849
Defeated for Senate, 1854
Defeated for nomination for Vice-President, 1856
Again defeated for Senate, 1858
Elected President, 1860

Thomas A. Edison: Overcoming Failure
I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.


“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”– Michael Jordan

Be the person you have dreamed of being...I am nearly halfway there.
It is the first step that is the hardest. Once you get some victories under your belt...you will feel stronger.

Here is one of my favorite quotes:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
Teddy Roosevelt..
Dare greatly.
Hugs,
Chris

11.14.2009

Day 6....comparison pictures



Then



Now.......



lol, I thought I had shortened the first picture...then realized that ...No, that was me. lol.

So, before and middle. I have lost around 60 lbs. I have 70 lbs to go. I am going to take a full body pic at 65 lbs lost.

Well, went back to the gym today. I did a lighter cardio day in favor of some toning exercises.
So, instead of Arnold, I got on Christian and did thirty minutes for a 300 calorie burn..then I did the treadmill at 3.2 mph for 130 calorie burn. (This is why I loathe treadmills...if I am going to spend an hour on anything, I want some bang for my buck.)

I decided to try some 'Tracy Anderson' workout moves....
which you can watch here....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taCiMBFc0sc

I did one set (of 15) everything she did, and she kicked my rear.
well, I also did 24 plies...and yes Tracy, you can do too many ;oP...

People make fun of her and say you can't get strong doing this stuff. But I have lifted when I was in the army. I lifted 150 lbs, and this is as difficult-if not harder.
My legs are still sore from the exercises. I know it's from those because this was the easiest cardio day I have put in since I started.
Since I am so close to 200, I want to start pulling everything in so as the fat comes off, it will reveal toned muscle underneath.

I dare you guys to try that knee to shoulder thing. ouch.
You know sixty pounds ago, I couldn't think where the fat would come from....now I can see. Before, all the fat was hard. Now it's loose. My front fat flap is almost gone.
The day that goes, I will throw it a going away party by doing 200 situps.
Well, back to it tomorrow. I am going to have a kick 8ss cardio day and do my 100 situps minimum. I think I am going to stick with the Tracy Anderson stuff and see how it works.
Well, have a great tomorrow guys. I have to go and read the blogs. oh and my calories are sitting at 1360. Think I will have a soy bar...mmmmmm....nummy.
Hugs,
Chris









11.13.2009

Day 6-Back to the gym and flirtin' with the geek squad

hey all,
Hows it going? Things are pretty good here. I went back to the gym and spent one hour on the precor and 15 minutes on the treadmill...the rowing machine was taken. Then I did 105 situps and some of these weird tracy anderson leg/butt lift things. Which worked. My butt hurt after...that's a good thing. I think.


So, I have not had my laptop for a few days. I frayed the cord. I wasn't absolutely sure if I frayed the cord or not...so I went up to best buy to have the geek squad check it out for me...So, I am there. And I go up to speak to the guy. And he is a little flirty...now you have to remember he looks something like this:







Since he is a little flirty, I decide to 'use this to my advantage'.
I didn't quite know what was wrong, I was a little afraid my jack was off the motherboard. So I said "I don't know nothin bout computers Mr. Geek squad aficionado."....I didn't really say that...but I kind acted like that...I just thought back to what I saw this one girl do once. She was really good at 'helpless'. So, not only does he test my jack, he strips his computer for a power cord to test if it's just the power cord. Then he shows me how to create a custom power plan for my computer...the best settings for when I am on my battery. Where I can go to do html for blogging, how he does his own html and creates custom templates (lol, i guess this is the geek version of popping a wheelie) and how I can learn it and he can show me...lol. All the while the guy waiting in line behind me is getting p*ssed off.
I am that obnoxious woman who is taking up the salesman's time! Bwaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa.

So, in the end...I buy a power cord and that's all I bought. The rest was...and I quote, "Free of charge.".... lol....

I can't remember the last time I got that kind of 'service'.

60 lbs ago I had doors slamming into my face, pizza guys commenting "I bet your here for the extra large pizza"... To which I replied, "Well, gee I guess that makes you prescient doesn't it." To which he responded...'What's prescient?" To which I responded "If you knew that, you probably wouldn't be working here?"
His response, a blank stare. I might have been fat, but he'll always be ___________
Needless to say,
I certainly wasn't getting an extra attention,
No matter how interesting looking the dude was.
Now, lol......

well, I won't do that too much. It's not nice. But for a moment, it was a heady experience. Before I left tonight, my husband said "you look different, better..."
I was going to post photos, but blogger is being a pain in the *ss for some reason.
I will post some tomorrow..ugh.
So, nsv...free diagnostic on my computer with some unethical flirting with gnome like man. lol.
Keep this up and you too can save 24.95. It's possible....no, really...
wait ...
where are you going?
Dairy queen...Oh.
lol,
Hugs,
Chris

11.12.2009

Day 5...Have you flipped your switch?

Let's get today out of the way. I didn't get to go to the gym. Car troubles and registration issues forced me to take a 3 mile walk and do one hundred situps at home. No worries though. Tomorrow it is back to the gym with a vengeance. bwahhhaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa....
1480 calories today. Tasty ones.

So, I was reading (as I always do) Jack's blog. He talked about seeing things differently. For him it took a weekend. For me, It happened in an instant.
It was at Build a Bear, May 4th, 2009. I remember the day. I even remember what I was wearing. I remember How I wore my hair. What shoes I had on.
One minute the world was this....



I see the cup...

The next minute...it was the faces.

Like the world suddenly reversed itself, and I was left standing there. Finally fully aware of what I had let myself become. One minute I was just me. Sure, I was overweight, but I was happy. I had a husband, two children and a nice home. I was an intelligent woman who had her stuff together.
Then I looked up and saw this fat woman in the mirror. I thought, wow is she fat.
It was me. shock
That.. was me. flip
That was what I looked like to the outside world. No matter how I felt, or thought on the inside. My outside would always dictate other's first impressions of me.

You can say that it doesn't matter, but it does.

Statistically speaking, fat people are paid less.
Fat people are viewed as less intelligent.
Fat people are more often than not, ignored or laughed at.
Is it Fair? No.
What in life is fair?
I was limiting myself because I had decided long ago to never tell myself no when it came to food.
I didn't shoot heroin. I didn't beat my children. These things were unthinkable.

If I can't control what I put into my own mouth, what did I really control?

I made jokes about not wearing corduroy cause it could cause a fire.
Why was eating myself into an early grave funny?
Why had I allowed myself to think it was some sort of Joke?
Why did I think so little of my relationship with my husband, that I would take the girl he fell in love with... The slim, fit girl that he had fallen for, and turned myself into whatever it was I had become?
Seeing myself as I truly was was extremely painful. I had spent years hiding from cameras, wearing loose, baggy clothing, avoiding swimming pools and swimsuits. Telling everyone I was 'too busy' to go to the park.
These were Lies to avoid facing the truth.
I know some of you don't like Jillian, but there is one thing she said that I completely agree with.
Self deprecation is useless.
I used self deprecation to deflect my reality.
If you are doing this, stop doing it.
If you are telling yourself that even though you are one hundred or more pounds overweight, that it isn't 'that bad'. You are lying to yourself.
If eating crap is funny to you, even though you are giving your kids a crappy example, killing yourself slowly, and possibly embarrassing your significant other...what is funny about that?
I know this is hard and harsh, but let us look at reality for a moment.

If your husband was a drunk whose habits affected his ability to participate in family life, caused him to make excuses as to why he couldn't take the kids to the park, couldn't make love, caused him to neglect his appearance. Would you love him "unconditionally?"
Overeating is voluntary.
I am talking to women now. We want our husbands to remain faithfull.
What I did was 'advertise' one thing, and then fifteen years later...delivered something else.
This gives us room to grow yes. But it wasn't fair to him.
If he remained faithful to me, then for the rest of his life, he would have to make love to a morbidly obese woman who didn't care about her appearance, who couldn't even clip her toenails. And he would have to just put up with this because he was too honorable to leave. That would be it.
Because I couldn't say no to food, this was going to be his life.
Seeing It this way, puts things into a different perspective...doesn't it?
I want my husband to make love to only me, but then I gave him a me I doubt he would have been attracted to.
After I woke up, I apologized for letting myself go so far.

Being wide awake is painful. I stood in line at the grocery store the day after my flip had switched, in an agony of embarrassment. As if I were walking through there naked. I couldn't believe how fat I had let myself get.
As stupid as it sounds, I knew that other people could SEE ME.
I wasn't invisible. I was very visible.
There was no way to fix the situation I was in except to start.
But once that flip has switched, you cannot unswitch it. I can't go back to sleep. I truly see myself, and I can no longer ignore it.
I get frustrated, yes.
But not the kind of frustration that says "well, screw it...I'll binge'.
It's more the kind of frustration that wants this fat gone NOW. I have to reel it in and tell myself that even if I exercised ten hours a day for the next year, it still takes time to take the weight off.

Food will not make you happy. Food will not make you less lonely.
Food could kill your marriage, kill your relationship with your children...or teach them bad habits. Food could kill you. It's no laughing matter.
Like Jack said, If I could put this in a bottle I would give it away for free.
I would.
Kind of like the matrix, you can take whichever pill you want, just don't fool yourself about the one you are taking.
I hope everyone is on and ready to go, I truly do. I hope I don't hurt feelings with this. I just know that until I saw the choices I was making for what they truly were, instead of some lifelong fat joke...I didn't change anything. I didn't see anything.
I am rooting for you.
Hugs,
Chris

11.11.2009

Day 4 No exercise...

No exercise today,
It's my day of rest, which was of course, sorely (and i do mean sorely) needed.
I cleaned and ran errands and kept my calories to 1500. barely.
I am ditching sugar in favor of chemically laden splenda. I like food and the calories I am using up in the coffee would be better served as fruit or bread. Or anything food like.
I just wanted to say Thank you to any service members out there. It is veteran's day. We like to joke that everyday is Veteran's day in our house.
As I write this, the faces of fallen friends come to mind.
Kelly, Dan, scott.
You are missed. You gave yourself up yes, for an ideal...but more for the soldier beside you. You fought for the future of your country, for your children, for what this country stands for.
I also write this for my cousins...Jeremy, Gary, Jason....who have been, are currently or will be going shortly, to Afghanistan. Gary fought in the battle for fallujah, as did Jeremy. Thank you.
For my much loved little brother, my little ball of sunshine....who is currently serving in the airforce, thank you for your service as well.
To all the army guys going back to Iraq for the third, fourth and possibly fifth deployments. Hang in there, they can't keep you past twenty. For my husband who also served in Iraq.
To all the vietnam veterans who went to war and were never given the proper thank you...Uncle Richard, Butch, Junior...thank you.
For my Grampa Hinton who fought in the battle of the bulge, thank you.
For my great, great, great, great uncles who fought for the 24th michigan volunteers at the battle of gettysburg, the turning point in the civil war...
Through the ages there have been good men and women willing to lay down their lives for their country. You are the reason I can say what I want, live how I want, and enjoy the freedom and security of this country. I salute you.
God bless America,
Chris

11.10.2009

Day 3-Is it a Stairmaster or.......Satan...tan...tan...tan....

OHMAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAWD....
Okay,
The stairmaster should be used at Guantanamo.
So, I went to the gym, today was strangely quiet, as if the only day anybody in the airforce is really allowed to workout is on a monday....duly noted.
So, Sorry to christian,
But I have outgrown you.
I hopped on Arnold for one hour. When I felt my right leg turning to jello around 46 minutes in I knew it was going to be a good workout.
I burned 600 calories.
Then I went to the treadmill...I know that isn't in my plan, but I wanted to walk off that precor pain. I walked for about 6 minutes before tackling the stairmaster.
I only have to do ten minutes.
I figure If Tom arnold can do roseanne, (or Roseanne can Do Tom Arnold) Or ANYTHING can do Marilyn manson....As a human, you can do ten minutes of anything....
So, on I go.
reference above for about four minutes in and on...
I know there is a training zone....I think that is about five steps below where I was. The coronary zone....
I was focused on just breathing when out of the corner of my eye, what should appear...
A blond little bambi in pink workout gear...sorry, still punch drunk from the workout. lol
Although a blonde size nothing did hop on to the stairsatan next to mine, and smoke me for the last 5 minutes...I wasn't too worried about it, cause I was just focused on breathing.
So I did my ten minutes...managed to stretch quite a bit without passing out, am currently sitting at home waiting for my chicken and asparagus to cook.
It will put my calories at 1540, but I don't care....I earned the 40 calories.
Hope everyone had a great night. I will be by your blog later after I EAT.
Hugs,
Chris

11.09.2009

Day 2-snafu

in military parlance...situation normal all f*cked up...just in case you ever wondered.
I went to the gym today to find it INUNDATED with air force type people. Apparently, in the winter, the air force moves PT into the afternoon. So that meant I didn't get to hop on Arnold. When I got there every.single.machine. was taken. I went out, stretched for five minutes, then went back in. I was determined to get on something. I spent 10 minutes on this stair stepper (which was hard) then I was about to go outside to the trackand do three and a half miles alternate walk/jog. When what should I spy.....
CHRISTIAN...
They got a new precor 546. Arnold may have been occupied, but a brand new christian was sitting there waiting for me to hop on pop. So I did. I did one hour...burned 585 calories plus whatever was burned on the stairstepper in the ten minutes I did that...i was figuring about 80 calories. So grand total 665.
Then I went to the mats, stretched a bit and did 120 situps...four sets of fifteen 'classic situps' and three sets of ten each side oblique sit ups. Then I stretched my abs and I was done.
I am not sure, but I may have to move my workouts. That place was just crawling and I don't have the time to wait a half an hour for a cardio machine. my hubby gets home at eight in the morning. I may just start going in the mornings, cause he stays up for a while after he gets home. Knock it out and be done with it.
Food today...
Breakfast
yogurt, peaches 2 T honey....330
3 cups coffee 225 calories (bad)
Lunch Bean and bacon soup 420 calories
1 100 calorie pack of reeces wafer thingies..(man are those good) 100 c
Dinner...omelette dude...
2 whole eggs, 3 egg whites 200 calories
1/4 cup lf cheese 80 calories
3 mushrooms 20 calories
2 cups spinach 20 calories
2 T salsa 10 calories....total 330 calories...
Total so far 1380 calories...not bad.

Today was a really good day. I feel so grateful to have a family. To have two daughters and a husband, a home. I feel grateful that my husband has a steady job. I am glad to have this day. To wake up, to experience things, to laugh and to enjoy.
Hope every one is enjoying their life.
It's the only one you have.
Hugs,
chris

11.08.2009

Day one....The stats.

Weight: 204 lbs...(woohoo)
The plan: Exercise...at the gym 6 days a week.
S,M,T,TH,F,S....
Except today, our gyms were closed today for maintenance...so I took a hilly three mile walk.
So, Gym workouts...
Monday-precor-1hr. 100 situps (The precor works the arms as well, that's why no pushups)
Tuesday-precor- 50 minutes, 10 minute stairstepper...dry heave after
Thursday-elliptical 30 minutes, treadmill 45 minutes...100 situps and 45 modified pushups.
Friday- 15 minute rowing machine, 50 minute precor ...lots of stretching
Saturday- Precor 1 hr. 100 situps
Sunday- precor 50 minutes, 10 minute stairstepper....dry heave after
Monday-elliptical 30 minutes, treadmill 45 minutes....100 situps and 45 modified pushups.
Tuesday 15 minute rowing machine, 50 minutes precor...lots of stretching

Meal plans.
No more than 1500 calories per day.
two types of breakfast.
either
2 eggs and 1 piece dry toast plus apple
or
1 cup 2% fage, 2 T honey and 1/2 cup peaches in light syrup
average calorie count 320-330 calories

coffee...2 cups
4 T sugar, 1/3 cup 2% milk
175 calories. (yes, I love coffee and it's worth it to me)

lunches
chicken sandwich or soup
soups are
chicken noodle, minestrone or vegetable beef...
calorie range 240-280
Sandwich
chicken with mustard and cheese
380 calories

Dinner...
4-6 oz of meat
and 3 cups veggies...either zucchini, squash, mushrooms, peppers, or green beans snap peas or broccoli, asparagus....just depends. At least 150 calories worth.
This always leaves me stuffed.
Calorie range for dinner 350-500

that's all.
See on the other side, I'll be weighing daily and posting weekly.
Sunday seems like a good day. As soon as I cross 200 I will post it.
Wish me luck,
Hugs,
Chris

11.07.2009

Operation (w)onderland....

Tonight I sat in my backyard (in size 18 pants)...burning my size 22 pants.
My youngest sat out there with me and we watched them burn.
We live in a subdivision and I was afraid we would have our fire department called on us.
But people chilled, and we managed the conflagration quite nicely.
The pants I burned tonight were the pants I wore to the last two fourth of july fireworks displays. The year before last they were so tight I had to unbutton them to sit down.
On July of this year, I wore them and they were comfortable.
I don't know what pants I will be wearing next July, but it sure as h*ll wont be those pants.

I put them on a week ago and they were barely holding onto my hips, I could pull them up and and down without unzipping or unbuttoning them. The other day they slid so far I was in danger of being arrested for public indecency.
So, Tonight I burned them...and it felt good.
I ate 6 white chocolate truffles, had two slices of pizza...went to the store, stocked up on my good foods for the next week.
I am ready to put the 200's behind me.
I don't know when any of you started feeling like a freak, for me it was when I crossed two hundred pounds. I am ready for the ones.
So....

I will be posting three things tomorrow.
The first will be my current weight
The second will be my food plan for the week
The third will be my exercise plan for the week.
I think I am around 205.
I am not positive, but think I am.

I want to be under 200 by December 1rst.
I can do this.
The only thing standing between me and my goal is Thanksfrickingiving.
So, I have the other 21 days to hit my goal.
Of course, I am not sure what my weight is...it was 210 on October 18th.
I am pretty sure it is around 205...blah blah blah...
Tomorrow will tell the scale tale.
I realize my goal before was January 1rst...but it was kind of a lazy goal.
I knew I would make it.
This one...well...maybe I will or maybe I won't.
But I am going to try.
Have a great Saturday night.
good night
and good luck,
Chris

11.06.2009

Popcorn, Barnes & Nobles, and the Angel of Death

Not sure what's up....still feel like the other shoe is going to drop or something. Anybody ever feel that way. It's nothing personal. Everything is fine. When I get like this I start calling family and asking if everyone is okay.
who knows.
I did a three and a half mile walk today. But ate popcorn for dinner. Yep, complete garbage.
the idea of dropping to fifteen hundred calories a day seems to be giving me strange cravings. I did better at 1700 without the idea of limiting myself. I ate more fruit. I ate more veggies. I may just decide to keep my calories between fifteen and sixteen hundred and see how far that takes me. You never know. Could work. It may just take longer to drop the weight. If that's the case, so what...if it takes me another year to drop thirty to forty pounds, I have already lost 53 lbs or so (probably more now). I feel so much better. If it comes off at five pounds a month, it will give me time to adjust. I have never done well with a ton of calorie restriction. The fact that I can eat just 1500 to 1600 is a revelation to me, and nothing to be sneered at. I may just accept this level and keep plodding along. I like working out, so can always pound it a bit more.
I felt blah this evening, like I needed a break so I went to Barnes and nobles ( I would set up a tent there if I could) and picked up a few books (not to buy, just to read). Mostly stuff about the Torah, the Talmud (Jewish oral tradition based on the Torah) and the zohar (a book about kabbalah which is just Jewish mysticism and some oral tradition, some high Kabbalah, but mostly from an Hasidic perspective, which is Kabbalah for the masses) I have been interested in it for years...ever since I spent time studying taoism and buddhism (just eastern philosophy in general). So, I was reading about Angels and Uriel, who is my favorite archangel...said in oral tradition to be the keeper of the gates of Hell and the bringer of the light of knowledge. He is also supposed to be the angel who slayed the assyrians when they gathered at the gates of Jerusalem. Which you can read about In 2 Kings Ch. 19.
Hezekiah went in to the temple after his bid to bribe Sennacherib had failed and asked God to remember him. In response God sent the 'Angel of Death' to preserve Jerusalem and slay the army of the Assyrians. Not only is this found in the bible, but is corroborated in the annals of Assyrian history.
This battle was Made famous by Lord Byron in his poem
The Destruction of Sennacharib
This poem is a particular favorite in our family...we take turns reading it. Trying to see who can read it in the most dramatic fashion without sounding corny. Try it, it's not easy.

The Destruction of Sennacherib
The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea.
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.

Like the leaves of the forest when Summer is green,
That host with their banners at sunset were seen:
Like the leaves of the forest when Autumn hath blown,
That host on the morrow lay withered and strown.

For the Angel of Death Spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed;
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and forever grew still!

And there lay the steed with his nostril all wide,
But through it there rolled not the breath of his pride;
And the foam of his gasping lay white on the turf,
And cold as the spray of the rock beating surf.

And there lay the rider distorted and pale,
With the dew on his brow, and the rust on his mail.
And the tents were all silent, the banners alone,
The lances unlifted, the trumpet unblown.

And the widows of Ashur are loud in their wail,
and the idols are broke in the temple of Baal;
And the might of the Gentile, unsmote by the sword,
hath melted like snow in the glance of the Lord!
Written by:
George Gordon, Lord Byron.

I love it when God gets all kick ass.
We still can't decide whether it's better to read for affect or allow the words to kind of build. We're working on it...lol.
Well, enough with this...Hope
everyone is on track and steering clear of the Angel of Death...He's a doozy.
Hugs,
Chris

11.05.2009

letting it stand

In light of today's events at Ft. Hood, I let yesterday's post stand. Sometimes, we write the perfect thing...one day early.
God Bless the people who are grieving and the families who have lost loved ones and the people who were injured.
See you tomorrow.
Chris

11.04.2009

Today is all you have.

I think this is going to be a serious post....I write from brain to keyboard, so was all set to start tip tapping away at what was a pretty good day. I did not do a workout today because it's my rest day. I have girl scouts on Wednesdays so I make a point to take that day off, its from 5-630 pm. Prime workout time for me. I am feeling good. I had a great day, so what's with the melancholy. I don't know...it's not really melancholy...it's more like a sense of how finite and fleeting life is, how precious life is.
I have always wanted to be wise, ever since I was little and read about King solomon. God offered him anything and King solomon said that all he really wanted was wisdom. God granted him wisdom and everything else too. Ecclesiastes is my favorite book. It is widely believed to have been written by Solomon. Mostly wisdom comes through painful experiences, I think parts of my childhood were in response to my prayers for wisdom. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming God for the actions of others...but I do believe we are placed in situations because God, having created us, knows what our souls yearn for, and so he allows us to begin our race where we will benefit the most. I spend alot of time trying to understand people and God. That's why for so many years, the idea of being a nun appealed to me. Yes, you have to pray alot, but you would get to spend all those hours reading, praying and thinking and spending time with God, and having God spend time with you.
I have a running joke with a good friend...She used to (and still does)pray for patience. I told her if you pray for patience, God will Give you practice. practice makes patience, And he does.
I wrote about my childhood, and I know that it was painful. But what could I expect when I prayed for wisdom. You learn more through loss than you do through gain. I know many people don't believe in God, or don't believe God answers prayer. I think he answers it in exactly the way we need him to, barely ever in the way we want him to.
Take my husband for instance. I prayed for years for my marriage to be restored, and it was. It was then that I had to accept that my prayer had been answered. Sometimes when God gives us what we ask for, it is when a huge test has begun. God knew that my big weakness was my sense of justice. There had to be justice for the wronged. God knew, that for me to have the marriage I wanted, I had to give up my yearning for vindication, I had to let go of being right. I had to forgive and let go of my bitterness. Holding on to your position as victim is a pretty heady thing. You have leverage over the other person. You have the upper hand. Forgiving someone means laying down the lever. That lever means that all the inequity in your relationship that for so long was on their side, now is on yours...you want to exploit it, get some of your own back. Extract your pound of flesh, let them feel the uncertainty and the pain. You think you are wrestling with the other person, your nemesis...when in fact, you are wrestling with God. You want God to give you "justice'....but God already saw the whole situation, knows what was needed, and acted accordingly. He is polishing you. He is molding you. He is giving you exactly what was needed...what you prayed for.
It just didn't go the way you thought it would.
Here's the problem. At that point I was wise enough to know that what I wanted to do wouldn't get me the relationship I wanted. I knew the hatred was my way of coping with the pain of disappointed hopes.
Searching out wisdom has a down side.
You can't throw the kind of all encompassing, empassioned, footstomping, mother- of- all, hissy fits you would like to throw. Where You want to bury the other person in the piles of anger, and bitterness and condemnation and recrimination.
You wish you could,but You KNOW better.
Like my mom's second husband. The abuser, who was abused. I figured the whole thing out one night while I was lying in bed, finally ready to really look at it through God's eyes, not my own. What it means to love like Christ loved. That if I ever talked to him again, I should try unconditional love. Love that he won't be able to give back, that I don't expect back. Why? Cause he has never had it. As a child, he was abused physically and mentally. As an adult, he abused...others and he self abused through alchohol, divorce and self isolation. Then he reaped what he sowed by recieving the anger and pain from the children he raised. However, God allowed me to see what was needed. He put me here. I prayed for wisdom and that is what he gave me. If and when I talk to him again, I should extend only love. Like round robin. As a child of God, I have experienced unconditional love, so I can give it.
When we respond to the infliction of pain by causing pain of our own, nothing is healed. When we respond in love, healing begins for everyone. I used to think this was weakness. Someone hits you, hit back harder. Now I know a loving response is the hardest thing there is to do. It is easy to strike back in anger. Hard to find some humility, turn our cheek and walk away...or even better than walking away, stay and care.
I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship. I am talking about the cycle of violence in this world. The compounding pain, and the lack of compassion. I am no where near where I would like to be as a person. I lack humility, I lack a good deal of wisdom, I lack compassion many times, I lack patience. I am afraid to pray for these things, because I know if I do, God will give me practice. I have put growing spiritually on the back burner for a bit to grow physically. In a year or two, when I am brave enough, I will pray for these things again. Or God may simply get tired of waiting and begin on his own, who knows. Every day is a gift, today felt like a gift. Maybe this is for you...whoever you are, maybe that's why.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Hugs,
Chris

11.03.2009

Why and how are you losing the weight? good question

We have all seen the stories on other peoples blogs.
I remember starting every new diet with a fire in my belly and my feet on fire. I was really pumped. I was going to do it....two weeks later, saying no to fast food became a temptation too great to bear, I would figure, "What's the point?"
Or
"I'll start again on Monday."
But monday never came. At that point, every diet for me was temporary. In my mind, I was going to "Lose this weight...fast." The idea of watching what I ate for the rest of my life was not even a concept I looked at...I would lose the weight and.....
Then I would 'BE NORMAL'.
That meant, eat like I used to. But when I really thought about it, I knew that wasn't true. I wasn't going to be able to eat fast food all the time. I would stick with it for three or four weeks, decide things weren't moving fast enough and binge. Get upset that the scale wasn't moving. Do two or three 1200 calorie (or less) days....get hungry, Binge again. Go to the gym and work out for two hours thinking I could wipe away the binge. Get on the scale, and see little to no movement and figure "I can't lose weight, I am destined to be fat."
This style of dieting was crazy, nonproductive and destructive.
Then I would quit until the next time I hopped on a scale only to notice that my weight was higher than ever. I would completely freak out and then start the cycle all over again.

I am going to write down a list of sure fire ways to fail at losing weight that I have tried:

1.) Thinking a pill will cure you. I've tried a few pills in my time, pills to stop the hunger, pills to "speed up the metabolism", pills to pass the fat through your system.
Magic pills only work in fairy tales.

2.) Starving myself....it may work in the short term, but it is completely unsustainable. Nobody wants to live hungry the rest of their lives. Especially not me.

3.)Exercise myself thin....I was eating what I've always eaten and exercising 30-60 minutes a day. I may have been staving off a gain, but I sure wasn't losing any weight. No matter how I wished the walks would take off the fat, it didn't work. I just had a decent cardiovascular system and a bunch of fat.

4.) An all or nothing extreme diet. If I start telling myself that I am 'only going to do this extreme diet for a week or two to get a "head start".' Iwill fail. I will get the idea in my head that this is how it is always going to be, I am hungry, sick of meat, sick of grapefruit..cabbages or apples. I would want a piece of chocolate or some other 'bad food'. Then when I inevitably quit these 'diets', I would feel like I had 'failed'. I did starving, apples before each meal, atkins, south beach (which is actually just fruits veggies and lean meats in moderation, it was my disordered thinking that screwed that one up). The reason this fails is that while the diet may work, it wasn't giving me the tools to use for the rest of my life.

5.) Weight loss with a termination date-
I want to lose weight for ___________. Insert some dire emergency here....family reunion, high school reunion, bathing suit season, wedding....you may lose it, but if I don't see weight loss as a long term solution to a long term problem...I will gain it all back. (I have done all of these...)

6.) Losing weight to please ____________?
Anybody but myself in that slot is the wrong answer.

Like I said before, I Eat less and exercise more. I Work with solid numbers. I went online and found out my rmr and bmr. Body by pizza has Jillian Micheals calculations for bmr and rmr on her blog. It's in the December 2008 portion.
I count my calories. Now there are some meals I know the calorie count to by heart. Will I have to weigh and measure EVERYTHING FOR THE RESTOFMYLIFE....no. I used to say and think that. Now I know, that there are meals I generally like to eat. Once I know the general calorie count of what I am consuming, I know it. It's only new foods, or new meals that I will have to measure or count. Most restaurants have nutrition info. At maintenance, it is going to take some monkeying around to find what and how much I can and can't eat to maintain my weight. I can still have the occasional treat. If I really watch my calories five days a week, and have an extra 800-1000 calories left. On Friday, I can have some pizza or lasagna or pie. It's for life, there shouldn't be bad or good foods. Just well planned foods. Weight loss is totally doable in a slow, methodical way. I have just slowed my mind down and now I let it happen. It may well take a year to do, or two. But, heck....what else have I got to do, Right? This IS for life
Well that's all for now. Be good to yourselves.
Today I ate 1505 calories and exercised for an hour and 15 minutes and burned 680 calories...woohoo...My Arnold knows how to burn it down.
Have a great wednesday.
Hugs,
Chris

11.02.2009

O.........M..........G..............!!!!!!!!!!!

They took Christian and gave me Arnold...

Christian



Arnold...
This machine is killer.

I walk into the gym, expecting to find Christian, and instead...in its place, is what looks like something out of star wars.
It should have warning labels. I burned 575 calories in one hour, and I wasn't even going fast...you know why, CAUSE I COULDN'T....holy batcave.

I then did seventy sit ups and called it a night.

I stopped by the store to pickup some body scrub. I am getting all girly on you now...

So I found some, then I was looking at perfume and found This:
This stuff smells fabulous...
Versace White Crystal.

It's really hard for me to pick a perfume I LIKE because I have a very sensitive nose. Most perfumes are just overpowering. This was great, It has a really nice, sophisticated, light scent.
Right now I have amarige from givenchy, but it's almost gone.
This goes on my Christmas wish list..this and a blender lol.
If I could send the smell through the screen I would. It is lovely.
So, I tried a new recipe from my weight watchers cook book tonight. It was a soup.
It had one can of cannelini beans, 3 cups of spinach, 8 oz. of italian sausage (casings removed), 3 cups pasta, 4 cups chicken broth, 2 tsp sage, 1 tsp garlic...salt and pepper to taste...It was really good. 1.5 cups=418 calories.
Made that for the whole family...trying to find new recipes so I can eat with everyone else.
Well, Hope everyone was on target and is doing fine.
Hugs,
Chris