What is your importance level?

I have come across a few blogs here and there and there seems to be a theme running through them.
On blogs where the weight loss has stalled apart from injury or medical reasons...meaning, where no good reasons exist, there seems to be a theme.
That theme is...lack of importance attached to the goal.
Oh, there is a lot of chest thumping and self flagellation, but no forward momentum.
I used to do this.
I am so fat, and I am so tired.
I wish I wasn't such a fat pig.
blah  blah blah...
Now, I am not discounting feelings of low self esteem.
They stink.
When your are obese, You really do feel bad about yourself.
But yet, you don't attach level 10 importance to your health.
Think of something that you would never let slip.
Would you let your five year old walk home from school through a rough neighborhood?
Would you leave the  kid with Leon, the neighborhood pimp?
Would you start shooting heroin?
Would you stop paying your house payment because you were 'just too busy."
Would you tell your kids to skip doing homework or going to school, so they could just hang with you?
You need to, if you want to lose weight in a consistent manner...attach level 10 importance to your weight loss efforts.
It isn't a 'well, I would like to"
It's a "it's going to happen, and anyone trying to stop me is going to draw back a bloody nub."
It isn't "well, I guess I am going to have to eat cardboard until I get down to my goal weight and then I can eat again."
It's "I'd better find a new way of eating that I like and enjoy and can live with for the rest.of.my.life."
It's "My kids are watching me, and how I treat myself will inevitably be how they treat themselves when they grow up."
Or it will be..."I wish I had lost weight when I had the opportunity, now I am 50 or 60 and dying of congestive heart failure."
You are important.
This is important.
It may be the most important thing you will ever do.
So instead of beating yourself up
Say "I'll feel worse about myself tomorrow, today I will treat myself with kindness and respect...I will feed it less and move it more."
Do it for you.


Happy Blogger and end of month weigh iN.....oooooohhhhhh....

Okey dokey,
So, I am going to post my end of month weigh in...I started the month at 188, I end the month at 178.
10 lbs.
Not bad. I fully expect my weight loss to sloooowwww down in the coming months. It can't keep going at this pace, and I will keep my calories at or around 1400 for the month of February.
I drink one cup of coffee a day now.
I have replaced the other with a diet coke.
I drink 8 cups of water...
my food will be 300 to 350 for breakfast
100 for coffee
300 to 350 for lunch
600-700 for dinner.

I already have many good meals of all types in these calorie ranges.
In February, I have one high calorie day planned.
That is February 6th...my oldest's 16th birthday.
The rest of the month I will be op.
I want to be 170 by the end of the month...and it is a short month.
That leaves me with 27 days in which to create a 28000 calorie deficit....not easy.
I will give it all I've got...captain.
sorry, couldn't resist.
the borg.

wow, my brain is firing on all cylinders tonight.
10 things that make me happy...
for alan.
I would put up an award picture but at this point my right side of my blog is going to be dedicated to 10 lb pictures....which means I am going to have to put up a new one.
I will do this until I hit 138.
10 things that make me happy...
1.)Being in normal sizes.
2.) My new belted, double breasted, tweed jacket I bought today in size large for half off. :o)
3.) Picking my oldestdaughter up from a Birthday party attended by a group of good Kids. All lovers of God, all respectful and bright go getters.  Watching her happy face as she talked about her time at the party. Knowing she has good taste in Friends.
4.) Buying clothes for my youngest and watching her try them on. It feels good to be able to buy your kids nice things.
Knowing this makes me appreciate how hard it must have been for my mom to have to tell us no to things all the time...
and steve here is one for you...something you didn't know about me.  This is something I hold near and dear to my heart.
Wait... first let me finish my list.
5.) Leo adopted Duke (our lab) as part of his cat family today. He went up and rubbed his head against Duke's in greeting tonight as Duke was laying in the living room.  very sweet.

6.) Finding out coral is one of my new favorite colors.  Beats Beige, black, almost black and grey.

7.) That new song by Selena Gomez...the one that plays right off now on my blog.
I don't know what it's referring to...but I do know that when I finally go clubbing in a short skirt...I am going to request that song. What a great song.  Full of energy and positive vibes.

8.) I finally got my girl scouts their well earned silver key ornament badges.  I will be handing those out at the next meeting.

9.)I have Already put in our initial troop cookie order and nothing went kabluey.

10.) I threw away some of my husband's ratty old shirts and bought him some new ones...at 75 % off, there is a heck of a sale going on at the PX as they clear out winter gear to replace it with the spring clothes...so...woooohooo.  Sale time. lol.  sales make me happy.

Okay, so Steve,
something you didn't know about me...
Everyone knows I was poor growing up. My mom made about 3.25 an hour in 1986. She supplemented her income with sewing our clothes and growing our food and making door stops from fabric people gave her and government rice...
So anyways, one day we were in some store, I think it was meijers.  We were clothes shopping and every year I got three pairs of pants, three shirts and socks, underwear and new shoes. I already had a coat. It was a grey wool coat with fur on the collar (not real lol) 
I hated that coat.
Someone gave it to me.
I saw an 80's tastic coat.
Leather on the shoulders, charcoal grey with patchwork stuff, velvet and some flowers. can't remember the whole thing now.
I was 15, and old enought to know that an 89 dollar coat was NOT going to happen.
So, I turned around and was going to walk away and mom says, "You like that coat?"
I said, "No."
I knew we couldn't afford it.
She said "Yes, you do."
I said "Well, it's nice, but it's not worth 89 bucks."
She goes "Oh...okay."
So we finish shopping.
That Christmas I had only two gifts under the tree, while my brothers had five or six.
But I knew how my mom worked, she gave us an equal amount.
I opened one and it was  a teddy bear.
The next gift I opened was that coat.
That coat represented four full days of work.
She worked four full days,
Just so I could have a fancy coat.
I cried.

Well, that is about all...
Hope you guys have a great day,
Thank you again Alan for the happy blogger award.


I told my husband my weight..and a perfect 10 update.

Hey all,
I had a really good day...
first, perfect 10
been getting 8 cups of water
getting in bed by 11
exercise...5 out of 7....but i was injured.
started pilates...so still doing upper body toning.
other than that going good.

I told my husband my weight this morning...I will tell you all on the first.
Needless to say, it was far enough away from 200 that I felt comfortable telling him.
His response "You told me your weight!" 
Shock and awe.
Then I told him what weight I started at..
He said, "It wasn't that bad!"
I said "It was to me."

Oh, and the biggest thing today...
I went clothes shopping....
I have been to a few stores over the last few weeks...trying to see what kind of things I like.
You see, I haven't spent time buying things I like for at least 10 to 15 years.  I have bought things that:
were loose
were dark
were cheap
wouldn't call attention to me.
But I didn't buy things that would be:
form fitting
call attention to myself.
That is the kind of shirt I bought tonight...
wait, lets see if I can not only find a picture, but upload it..
this should be a crap shoot.

Well there, it's the same shape, mine is just slightly more coral with embroidered flowers.
It's a LARGE....lol, not and EXTRA LARGE.
Not a 1x. Or a woman's size...it's a 12/14.
Beyond awesome.

I was so happy that I showed it to a friend.
The best part of  the night was when I pulled a size 24 skirt off a rack and wrap it across the front of me and halfway around my back.
It almost doubled..in forty more pounds it will double.
That made it reality for me. 
I used to wear a 24 no more than 8 months ago.
I also bought a pair of 14's, which I can pull up and zip.
I haven't been in 14's since 1997.
After that, I switched to stretchy pants and for the last 13 years or so, it was all downhill.
I recieved the happy blogger award from Alan from fools fitness...
I will do the things that make me happy tomorrow again.
Just for alan...
I have ten more, and ten more and ten more...
life makes me happy.
Have a great night.
your fashion forward blogger,


Plows, pilates and Pain...or how i spent my afternoon.

Hey all,
I broke out a dvd a freind gave me the other day.
First off, I went to the gym and hopped on Christian for 35 minutes.
(For any new followers, I named my first elliptical after Christian bale because it made it more fun to hop on him one hour a day, six days a week. )
I did 35 minutes because the roads were deteriorating and I didn't want to have a bad accident on the way home...as it was, I passed a bad accident...police cars, wreckers, the whole nine.
So I get home and think "Well, chris...Why don't you break out one of those DVD's Amber gave  you.
What could it hurt?
Me   Nothing, thought I.
This CD is in 10 minute intervals.
At first I was only going to do the ab workout and the arm workout. 
But the bun and thigh workout happened to be between those two sections.
Sso..being too lazy to fast forward per se, I did the bun and thigh workout as well.
Let me just say...
By the end of the Ab burn, I had my feet over my head while I attempted to use " my lower abs to curl my legs back up and out and around"...
Barring actually accomplishing this, I started laughing uncontrollably,
I thought of something I saw on Fitcetera .
It was Ellen Degeneres with her shake weight and this weird thigh contraption thingy.
She said "I don't know WHAT I'm training for...but I hope it never happens.
If I do that twice a week, I will indeed have abs of steel.
Or, I will be the first human case of self suffocation by my own *ss.

Hope all of you are on target..
tomorrow is my perfect 10 update.
I look forward to it...It might not have been a perfect week, but it was productive.
My weigh in is coming up here on the first...it should be interesting.
Have a great night guys.
Talk to you later.


Walking, and talking on my day off...

I realized today was supposed to be my 'day off' exercise...but get this, I wanted to take a walk...so I did.
Just two miles.
But it felt good.
I haven't done much else today.
I homeschooled, right now we are reading about the constitutional convention.
How none of us agreed but then we compromised and worked things out.
That was a long time ago.
I don't think I have heard the word constitution in a while.
I was listening to the 'Before the State of the Union' show on the radio tonight.
They were talking about all the things Barack obama was going to need to say, or do, or be, to 'fix' things.
He was going to need to sound authentic.
He was going to need to sound 'sincere'.
His speech writers were going to have to build the 'architecture" of his speech.
I thought.
'Oh, I get it...it's HARD to stack sh*t that high.'
ba dum bump.
I feel sorry for him.
No really.
We need to stop looking to one man to save us...He is only a man.
Not a God.
I feel sorry for him...
Not because I agree with him.
But because there are times when I really do believe he wants things to work.
But it isn't.....working.
Because what we really need to do, is to cut back on spending in major ways...and people squeal like stuck pigs when their programs are cut.
He is herding cats.
We, the American people, have created this problem.
Maybe we need to stop blaming our elected representatives and start blaming ourselves.
We voted for them...and even if we didn't vote for a particular them...they are still are representatives.
We need to become our grandparents.
We need to give things up and sacrifice.
Cuts should start at the local level...say "No,Thank You!" to federal funds and use volunteerism to fill in the gaps in the public sector. Like why in the world do we need a paid county commissioner?
It should be someone who has a real job...the mayor should have a real job...people should come together and make decisions on a community level.
When this country was founded, we didn't have professional politicians.
It should be trickle up...not trickle down.
Our whole society has become an inverse pyramid. A teeny tiny portion of people supporting, through their tax dollars, a top heavy, bloated government bureaucracy.
Our politicians are People paid to pander professionally to the various  specialty groups that make up their constituency.
They can't do what's right for everyone, because the purple and yellow striped midgets with shingles  might get p*ssed.
I remember back in Michigan, we had a representative named Dave Camp.
Every year he would scrimp and save, and send the surplus money to run his offices back to the Michigan government.
He always sent money back.
I don't remember, and I don't care, if he was a democrat or republican.
We need responsible, reasonable, FRUGAL people running our country.
This is not the big ole free money jamboree. I am sick of watching politicians using a tax money give away to buy votes.
We have to stop buying the line that they are doing it for us...and accept that we...us..the people need to do things not just for us, but for our children and our children's children.
Because when it comes right down to it, it isn't this generation that will pay if we muck things up on an epic scale.
It's the America of the future.
Will we still be the land of the free, the home of the brave?
Will we still be the beacon of hope to people the world over?
Only if we can find it within ourselves to take our lumps now.
I swear to God this is the last time I will do this....for a while.
Your worried about America ...but hopeful for the future, and blogging about exercise and good eating tomorrow....


going Gi jane...

Hey all,
Well, today I went to Iron horse park and did the 2.8 mile vita course...lol.
It has sit ups and pullups and a cargo net climb...
so everything went well but the hang ups pull-ups.
I was determined to try everything, even if I suspected I couldn't.
So there I was on the corner of polio and anthrax streets (who names these streets) and I jump up to grab the bar in a feeble futile attempt to hoist my still porky, but shrinking *ss into the air.
Who should trot by, but two rather diminutive damsels giggling at me their own private joke.
I'm not paranoid.
So, I  gasped, shlumped and flumped ran up over the big hill and down the other side where the cargo net awaited me. Assuming I was alone...I climbed up, swaying to and fro, flung my leg over the bar at the top and gave a triumphant ahhhh ahhh....as I struggled not to fall off...plus i am scared conquering my fear of heights.
So I hear clip clop clip clop...and look up just in time to see the look of amusement admiration on the face of a passing jogger.
I heaved myself down the other side...with undue haste dignity.
And finished my walk /Jog.

Guys, 80 lbs ago, that hill wasn't run up (however much I heaved and hoed after stopping...I still ran up it), those little situp and pull up things were not attempted, and that cargo net was given nary a passing glance. I remember three months ago I went up to that cargo net, and shook it...watched it sway...and grabbed on and put up a foot and thought...no way in heck.
This time, I put my feet on and climbed...I used my left arm to anchor me on the bar, while my right hand held on  to the bar to swivel over the top and down the other side.
That is huge.
huge for me.
I feel capable. More so every day I get leaner and healthier.  This victory happens one choice at a time.
One pound, one day at a time.

Okay, so I was reading this blog.
And she was talking about reading books and how reading 6 of these books was the average.
so i  copied the list and will mark with an x, all the books I have read.
Here goes.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte X
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling X

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee x (my all time favorite ever)
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte X
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell X
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller X
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare x (own it)
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger X
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot 

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell X
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy tried and tried and tried...it's boring.
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams X
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck X
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame X
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy X
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis X
34 Emma-Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen X (another favorite)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis X
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hossein
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne X (one of my favorites)
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell X
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving X
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood X
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding X
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert X
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen X
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens X
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley (I should)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck X
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas X
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy X
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville X
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce X
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray X
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker X
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad x (depressing tale of colonialism in africa...)
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams X
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas X
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare X
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo X

I've read fifty two...that being said, I like to read.
Interesting what they thought was 'worth reading'....I don't think I would have put davinci code in there before selected poets or some others...but what do I know.
Well, hope all is well with you guys.
talk to you later,
Your reading and net climbing blogger,


Saying what you want...and getting it.

Hey all,
Back to the gym again today (yeah!)  I did 60 minutes on ARNOLD....and burned 607 calories.
I still wasn't going full tilt.  But I had a good burn.  I then went and took the time for my arm workout and I stretched instead.
I am going to get serious about stretching.
I think I may have two toning days once I hit 175 (which isn't far off) and four cardio days of which two are sit ups.
Then on my down day I will stretch or tai chi or something.
Hey, hold it...my blog editor is different.  I am not sure I like this at all....Sitting here typing and I type tai chi...(spelling correct I hope think)...and can't find spell check above. Hey, but I do have a strike through...
what a sh*tty great idea.  I may spell like h*ll, but at least I can be snarky via strike through.
So the workout was great and calories were great, 1480.
But I got a little pms-y this evening. My hubby rarely wakes up happy, he has a crappy attitude "low blood sugar' when  he wakes up.  So, I kind of asked him to stop being a D*ck bad person tonight.
Why it bothered me tonight as opposed to any other time, I don't know. It just did.
I thought about it on the way to the gym and on the way  back and realized that while I don't expect his attention all the time. The twenty minutes a day we talk, I don't want to be looked at like someone who is an irritant, or who won't shut up.
He does it alot.
So, I came home and explained my d*ck comment reasoning. We ended up having a really good conversation about why he never gets any how to meet my emotional needs so we both have a more fulfilling relationship.  That includes time spent talking and bonding. 
Yes guys, I know you want to get straight to things, but we ladies just aren't built that way.
We actually have to like you first. And liking you includes things like asking "Hey, how was your day."
I think it's the first time I didn't get myself all worked up over my being angry and blurting something out.
I used to get all nervous and try to 'fix' things.
I came home and explained why I got upset, did apologize for calling him a d*ck not very nice name.
He accepted and we worked things out.
whoa....imagine that.
I used to be very dysfunctional when it came to stifling expressing my feelings.
This is a good step forward.
I can't use food to stuff my feelings.
So my feelings come out...since it's all new to me...they aren't always expressed in the best way.
It doesn't mean I am WRONG about feeling that way, but learning how to express my feelings in appropriate ways is a learning process. I'm getting there.
Your emotionally stable growing blogger,


and We Now Resume Our Regularly scheduled Programming....

I am back otk,
60 minutes on Christian for a 550 calorie burn.
It would have been more but I still kept it under my normal intensity just in case...
My leg feels solid.
I did 185 situps.
I am almost to two hundred.
Can't wait.

My calories were awesome.
I am ready to  put the cap back on the toothpast in regards to eating...
like a poorly squeezed tube, I was going over 1500 by 30 to 40 on a regular basis...
not good.
At least one time per week, and that can't happen if I want to smash my fat in my Fatmaggedon showdown on July 15th.
So it's back to strict caps except for my two higher calorie days...where even then, I will be counting the calories.
I hope all of you had an excellent Sunday,
I haven't gotten around to all the blogs yet...so Can't comment as well as I would like.
I think I will start doing some form of blog link love around here.
There are enough people out there putting out some  good stuff that I can dedicate at leaast one section of my Sunday blog to it.
Hope you all are doing well.
Thanks for chiming in on my last post.
Some would say it doesn't have a lot to do with weight loss...but I think it does.
I think we can get so caught up in what we've done wrong that we fail to move forward.
Trapped by our own mental incapacity to move on.
When I realized that the choices I made or have made were no where near perfect, but the outcomes...while at times sucktastic, eventually led me to the place and person I am today...
Well, I decided that it was 'all worth it'.
It really allows you to let go of failures and move forward.
Here's to a light trip with no luggage.
Your upbeat and fully healed blogger,

If you could travel back in time...Would you choose the same life?

Hey all,
I watched Peggy sue got married tonight...again.
I love that movie.
I don't think that movie means anything to the under 25 crowd.
I think  you have to have some living under your belt for that movie to hit you square in the gut.
That movie makes you think.
If I had to do it all over again,  would I change my choices?
I used to think YES.
But  now I know better.
It turns out that it wasn't the things she did do that she would change...
It was the things she didn't do.
She didn't regret saying yes as much as she regretted saying no.
When she walks through the door to her childhood home and sees her mother (who has passed) I just bawl every time.
It's a good reminder that we need to cherish the time we do have with the people we love, because one day, we are going to want to hug our parents, grandparents, siblings or friends...and we won't be able to...they'll be gone, or living far away, or something may happen.
Like when she is sitting in her bedroom with her little sister, trying to play a board game with her...trying to build a memory because she has learned how important little moments are...
You just don't know.
That we should be kind, because it can make a difference. That we should enjoy ourselves and live life to the fullest, because it goes so quickly.

The best part of that movie, is how she keeps trying to change the choices she has made that have caused her pain, trying to save both herself and Charlie from years of unfulfilled dreams, but in the end realizes that the pain was worth having because it produced two people she couldn't live without...and also, even though it was painful...she still loved her husband. Even though he hurt her, she was willing to relive the hurt to have the relationship.
It really made me ask myself "Would I, If I truly could, if I had the opportunity..go back  and change my choices?  Knowing what I know now?

Some of my life would suck to relive...that's for sure.
But If I had gotten better grades in high school, I never would have joined the army, met my husband and then had my two kids.
It really makes you stop regretting the decisions you have made.
Maybe I would have chosen to eat better.  I would have started living a fuller life sooner. But I am happy that I dropped the right eggs. Just sayin'.
Also, when you go through things as a married couple, and get through them....you love that person in a way you didn't before.You love the real them.  You have seen them at their ugliest, most vulnerable, and then when they are fighting the hardest to get better or back on their feet.  And you fall in love with the real them.
The first time I watched this, I was too young to appreciate it. I loathed Charlie.
This time I found myself trying to explain Charlie to my oldest daughter.
Kate, "Why would she love such an *ss hat?"
(I know, she is too young to cuss)
I said "Kate, you don't understand...while it isn't right what he did...he gave up everything he wanted to sell appliances, now the best years of his life have passed him by. All he can see is what he's lost...He is having a mid life crises."
At that age, you don't understand that  as you make choices...your road narrows, until there is no road left but the one you made.
She doesn't understand.
She is fifteen.
She didn't see him when he was idealistic, and young and ready to take on the world.
What is that song....
The verve pipe...
For the life of me, I cannot remember...what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
That is a good song.  Very wise.
For me there is a lot more beauty in the love of two people who have sacrificed and gone through hell, then there is in romeo and juliet.
But you can't see that until you live it.
So, think carefully.
If it was truly within your power to change the entire course of your life, would you?
If you could, would you?
Your pondering blogger,




First, I went back to the gym.
and I did 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Got off and stretched, and stretched and stretched.
Then Got on Christian, on his lowest setting and
went 30 minutes.
Total calorie burn 330.
My leg feels solid.
No tweeks at all.
Tomorrow I will do 15 minutes walking...stretch, stretch and stretch some more.
Then do 45 minutes on Christian.

Beautiful blogger award.
Thank you Yaak adventures.
I am supposed to name 7 things you don't know about me...lol.
okay then.
1. I almost drowned when I was 7.
I went out on the ice on our pond to get a ball. The ice was thin and I fell through.
Which wouldn't have been so bad except I kind of got sucked under the ice.
I had to crawl back toward the hole, and when I tried to get on, the ice kept breaking, so I wold fall in again. I did this till I got close enough to the edge that the ice held. I never did that again. And thank God my uncle Max taught me how to swim when I was six.

2.) I know how to gut a deer.

3.) I know how to pluck a chicken.
It takes some hot hot water and an ability to withstand the smell.

4.) I traveled to London about 10 years ago.
I loved it, it's one of the nicest big cities I've ever been in.

5.) My goal is to travel to every state in the union.
I have already been to 42. I only have 8 more to go.

6.) I collect boxes. Handmade boxes.
My favorite box is a wooden box inlaid with pieces of straw made in the ukraine.
It's very cool.

7.) I draw. I like to use graphite and colored pencil. I haven't done it much in the last few years...but lately, I have been having the urge...after this year is over in may with Girl scouts...I think I will take it up again.

perfect 10 update.
pretty cool.
This week...
exercise...we all know how that went.
I missed a day. The other days were not nearly as intense as they should be....a few more days and I will be back full strength.
Food. Pretty good. calories between 14 to 1500 daily. well one 1530 day..but other than that...pretty good.
One new recipe.
Tonight I had a sweet potato with one T butter 1/8th of a cup of walnuts and 1 T brown sugar. It was biiiiiig sweet potato...8 oz.
Man was that good.
So yep, new recipe.

upper body workout and situps..on track.
My situps are now up to 175...this is week three.
Next week it's 185.
I will have four weeks to get my 200 situps to under five minutes...so this goal is definately doable.
My other goals were getting to sleep before midnight...maybe three out of seven.
so meh.
there are picture things...and weight things...but they are more of a before and after thing.
Now, one thing you don't know besides the seven I already said?
One of the coolest experiences of my life was a drum performance at central michigan university in Mt. Pleasant Michigan.
It was so loud I could feel the drum beats in my chest. It brought tears to my eyes.
I like stuff like that.
very cool.
Now I am supposed to pass this on to like 7 people who haven't gotten one....
1.) Linda Pressman
over at bar mitzvahzilla....I love her blog. She is funny and dead on about most things.

2.) super squared
Because she has a beautiful soul, and I like her spirit. She hasn't given up or given in yet.

3.) Marilee
over at the hix mix, For the same reason. She has had a rough year. But she is still kicking.

4.) Amber
Because she is Beautiful, even if she doesn't always know it.

5.)losing 100
Cause she may not be losing, but by not losing she is gaining something pretty cool.
A child.

6.) Exquisite Christine
Official member of the Chris mafia, I bestow this award because you aren't exactly chatty.
I would like to learn seven new things about you.

and last but not least

7.) Victoria
Over at becoming My perfect me...
why? Because for such a young lady, she has a very good head on her shoulders. and with her attitude, she is definitely headed somewhere.

That is all....finally, right?
Hope you all have a great night.


The dreadmill.....or call me gimpy.

I knew I would have to take it easy today because the leg, while not as it once was...is still tight and not 100 percent.
So I did the dreadmill.
I would go at 3.0 for 15 minutes...stop and stretch..I did that three times.
Grand total 45 minutes and about 150 calories.
I struggled to not be frustrated.
I just kept reminding myself that if I
wasn't careful it wouldn't be a week out of service.
It would be a month or more.
That kept my attitude in check.
After that, I stretched for 10 to 15 minutes and then did 175 situps.
Doing the situps made me less frustrated.
My calories logged in today at 1530. Not bad.
I got my veggies, fruits and water in.
I am at 181.
I was 179 at my highest in Germany.
That was the first time I really gave a go at losing weight.
It took me 2 and 1/2 months and I lost 23 lbs.
Down to 156...
I thought it wasn't fast enough, so I quit.
This is where you don't kick yourself.
Because you can't go back, only forward.

On the 18th of January, it had been 8 months.
I know on my blog you don't see these huge weigh in days or anniversaries.
I do that on purpose.
I liken this whole weight loss thing to a marathon.
I can't imagine stopping at mile 13 and going "Yeah! I am halfway done".
I will note it, but there isn't a 'celebration day'.
Now when I hit 132, watch out shopping malls and beauty salons...here I come.
I plan to celebrate by decorating myself.
That's why each pound is great for me. It's like one mile closer to my Goal.
No one pound was any more exciting than any other.
Even 200 became just another blip on the scale.
A blip I wanted to get below.
IT didn't feel the way I thought it would.
I think goal weight will be much the same.
It won't be real for me until I go out there, put on a size 6 or 8 dress and wear it.
Then I think it will hit me.
When I joined the army I was 156 Lbs, right out of high school.
By the end of basic I was 138 lbs of muscle.
I remember getting weighed and being shocked...but it didn't hit home, until I and a couple of friends went shopping.
They gave me an 8 to try on, and I was like...'No way, No way am I going to fit in that."
Then I did,
THEN I cried.
For me- I get tunnel visioned...I only see the goal, not the rest.
That is why this leg is p*ssing me off.
It is in my way.
But that's okay, I know this weight thing is for life.
I can hold off a few more days.
Anymore than that, I lop this one off and trade it in for a new one.
Your mildly frustrated,
but pushing forward
dogged blogger,


ahhhh rolling pins! HELLO HELEN.

I did the rice thing...thank you Leslie.
I did the massage thing...thank you Karen.
But, when I broke out the rolling pin this eveningin a last desperate attempt to 'fix' this leg....I thought "No way is this going to work."
My husband started and boy did it tickle. All along the back of my leg was kind of weirdly tight and sensitive.
Then it loosened up and started to feel good. I have stretched and stretched, rested and rested and iced and iced.
This worked.
If anybody is wanting an awesome massage after a rough workout...do the rolling pin thing.
Thank you everyone, and THANK YOU HELEN!
As for my post yesterday.
I just wanted you all to know that I like all of you regardless of political affiliation.
It's not so much that I am rooting for republicans its that I am rooting for the power to go back to the people. I am for less government. Less intrusion.
I am for more personal autonomy. We, the people have been ignored...not just this last year, but for quite a few years. I think we as a country have woken up and are fully engaged and fully involved.
When besides this last year have you seen people discussing policy. You see it in the streets, in stores, in peoples homes.
In paula's house...lol. My husband and I get into some doozies as well.
I like that people are awake and engaged. Now we can get some new ideas.
Whatever you think of Barack Obama, Whatever you think of Glenn beck or rush limbaugh or rachel maddow. They aren't pale pastels, they are bold colors...they have ideals and ideas. We have finally broken free from the crust of stale opinion and apathy.
People are out there fighting for what they believe in and it is awesome.
This is what democracy is about.
Our government works FOR US...WE DONT WORK FOR THEM.
Thanks to everyone for putting up with that last post and this post.
I swear I won't go all political on you.
I will be back walking tomorrow....Back on track.
I hope you all take it easy and enjoy the debate.


yup...it's tweaked.

Well woke up this morning and had a bit of difficulty straightening my leg.
I will try the elevation thing, the rolling thing and anything.
The only thing I can control now is the food.
So, I will do that...I rested today, will rest tomorrow (while doing the above)
And we will see.
Now, I am happy for a reason that has nothing to do with weight loss.
It's a feeling I am almost positive is currently being shared by Carlos and Marilee right now..and Alix too I think.
You see, I love this country.
And what I love about it is the freedom we have to succeed or fail based on effort, or even when our best efforts fall short and we fail, at least we had the chance to try.
There is nothing more damaging to the human spirit than to be kept.
To be coddled. To be led around by the hand by a paternalistic cabal, most of whom view us as too stupid to know our own mind.
They know better now.
I would rather live free in a shack, fashioned with my own hands...eating beans and rice.
Then live in a home determined fit by someone else, with food given to me, my choices made for me and my freedom stripped from me.
For a while I feared our country had lost it's spirit.
It's been a rough few years.
We as a nation have been through a lot.
I know our family is a microcosm of that struggle, as are a lot of you.
But like the song says...You can fail, you are free to fail, just as you are free to start all over again.
In this country you can always start again.
That and the spirit of independence is what has and always will, make this country the greatest country on Earth.
I love you Massachussetts.
Now, THAT is a First.
your patriotic, injured....but able to start again,


gym gyminee gym gyminee gym injury

I have 'tweaked' my hamstring.
I don't want to say puledl or injured because I don't want it to be true, and I haven't waited 24 hours yet.
I don't want to get thrown off my training schedule for this.
I did one hour on Christian tonight and burned 637 calories.
Then I did my upper body workout which is basically the same as before.
biceps, triceps and shoulder lifts.
With Five pound weights.

I am hoping some rest will cure the hamstring.
My calories are in at 1480 today.
So I had a good burn and low intake.
I am ready to bust out of the 180's.
Either way, if this hamstring thing hangs around...I can always go walk.

so there.

Well, it's back to kinkos tomorrow to make some more copies for girl scouts. lol.
I have to make 14 this time.
Hopefully I can get in and out without 'help'.
I know I haven't said anything about haiti.
So, lets just say...I am praying for that country and those people.
I really don't want to dwell.
I used to do that.
Dwell on things I couldn't control
I don't do that anymore.
But I am aware, and I am doing what I can and I am praying.
It's all anyone can do.
I hope everyone out there is doing great.
I hope you all are creating the life you want.
living life to it's fullest daily, in honor of those who can't.
You living, breathing, and glad of it...


trying new things....

Hey all,
I think I remember telling ya'll that when I reached Goal weight, I would be trying new things...well, I decided to start early.
I got up this morning.
I slipped on a pair of 16's...these pants are really pretty. Yet another pair given to me by Jennifer.
They are black and they feel like velvet.
Which was great...they were very soft, I also put on a button up blouse with a nifty collar...it stands nicely. It was blue and It looked very sharp with the three quarter sleeves and the cuffs.
I have always loved clothes. 80 lbs ago, you wouldn't have known that.
I looked like a hobo.
Antithetically, I felt that since I looked so fat...well, you don't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...so I didn't even try.

Now, I am having fun.
So. There I was with a pretty shirt...pretty pants....hair done, silver hoop earrings, silver bracelet.
I have a choice.
I have a nice, comfy pair of tennis shoes...
And I have these uber cute, pointy, black kitten heels with a buckle strap I bought ages ago when I was heavy.
I wore them once for like a minute cause my feet were too fat, they killed me.
I can wear them now, I have worn them a few times around the house just to see if they fit better.
But I have to go to the bank, px (a kind of department store) and then grocery shopping...
The outfit would look MUCH cuter with the heels.
But, They will hurt grocery shopping.
I wore the heels to the px.....
and took the tennis shoes with me and changed into them just before the grocery store.
I felt so clickety clickety in those heels.
I felt sharp and pulled together.
I have had that feeling three times in the last month.
I like it.
It feels natural.
It feels like me.
I am, at heart, a preppie.
I like looking good.
I like anne klein, Chaus pants and silk blouses.
They don't feel strange.
They feel right.
I love shoes with style.
I love boots, trench coats and a simple, yet elegant hairdo...
Good makeup.
It gives me a feeling of power.
It straightens my spine.
I have always loved elegance.
I loved Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn.
If I had to choose a style it would be an amalgam of those two.
It's why I watched Dynasty and Dallas when I was 10.
I still remember going to the Detroit Museum of Art..
All my friends got hamburgers for lunch.
I wanted to try something different.
I ate a cucumber and watercress sandwich on sprouted bread.
I liked it...not because it was fabulous, but because it was something I had never tried.
I love to travel.
I love art...all kinds.
Life is art.
It's an artform.
It's to be lived....fully while there is time.
So, Live it up people.
You only have one, make it a good one.
I went to the gym...ate 1500 calories, and exercised for 1 hour on Arnold and burned 650 calories. I then did 175 situps.
I did ten more because I ALMOST talked myself into skipping my third set of sit-ups...
I only had seven minutes til the gym closed.
In my mind, I said I need to go to the locker room and get my stuff blah blah blah...
I realized this was all rationalizing bs.
So instead of doing my final 55, I kicked my own rear and did 65.
For a total of 175 in seven minutes.
Now my goal is 200 in five...
I have eight weeks.
oh boy.
well, Have a great night all.

Oh, and in the spirit of changing my image..I recently changed a password from snickers to queen...lol.
I won't say which one, or what, or where...
But, I think changing your mindset in every area is important.
Even in seemingly unrelated areas.
Your fashion loving blogger,


The nitty gritty...

Hey all,
down to it.
Went for a three mile walk. Did my upper body workout.
Then I sold cookies for two hours..walking door to door.
Then I went to walmart for two hours...clothes shopping with my sophie.
We bought jeans, shirts and a sweater and some socks and underwear....
It took us two hours.
That is count em'...
Five hours on my feet..that is approximately four more than I could have managed at two hundred and sixty two pounds.
Not only that, but then I came home...did dishes, made dinner and helped my daughter 'organize' her clothes.
I took a hot bath, cause yes...I am a little sore but not terribly sore.
I feel really good.
I can't imagine what it will be like fifty pounds from now.
Maybe after a day like that, I could go out and line dance.

But that isn't what I wanted to blog about.
I was reading or have been reading several blogs lately and I have noticed a similar theme.
They are figuring out it's ALL IN THE HEAD.

They are right.
It is all in the head.
If you think you can,your right...If you think you can't your right.

Now. On with the Head thing.
I read a blog where there was a similar theme running through her story that ran through mine.
Namely, I used to be one of the nicest people....even keeled...not easily upset.
Water off a Duck's back.
One of my Good friends marveled at my 'patience' with my children.
I think I left a comment the other day about assuming you were one person, wrapping yourself up in that assumption until you lose who you truly are.
I did that.

Let's start in the logical place..
Who did I think I was?
Well, I was a child of God.
I have always loved God...since I was five and 'got saved'.
I still love God.
When I was young it was simple.
I talked to God, he talked to me....mostly through my conscience, through his word and through preachers.
When I heard a sermon I tried to apply it.
This is a good thing.
Up to a point.
Then It got to the point that I felt that God wanted certain things from me.
That I really needed to 'kill the flesh' and stop being selfish...put me away.
I needed to just focus on my family.
If I needed something emotionally, I was to let God fill me up.
I was reading alot of books about rules I should be following to have a healthy, happy and Godly home.
Rules made by men.
Not God.
There is a reason God gave us friends, and spouses....He knew it was not good for man, or women to be alone.
YOu see, as a child I was alone alot. I talked to God all the time. Once I figured out that God was my father, that I was known since the foundation of the earth...that he had written me in the palm of his hand....it didn't matter what was going on at home.

I knew that what God wanted from me mattered most. That is what kept me on track.
With my home life, I should have been pregnant young, and have a bunch of other really bad things happen.
But I found God early and he saved me in every sense of the word.
All the stress I felt, I thought I just needed to lay at the throne of God...
which is good.
But not to the exclusion of working things out with your husband.
Not to the exclusion of speaking up and setting boundaries. (which I had never learned)
Not to the exclusion of speaking your mind and declaring your wants and needs and desires.
Especially not if they are good, healthy and natural.
Wanting to talk, wanting to be supported, wanting time to yourself.
These are natural.
Getting upset, having an opinion, wanting more....
Is not a sin.
It took me years to learn that.
It took gray hair at the age of thirty to learn that.
To be honest, I think I took my low expectations of life and then tried to find a philosophy within Christianity (not actual Christianity mind you) that would fulfill those expectations so I wouldn't find everything so disappointing.
Or even worse, attempt to ask for things and be told "No.' and then rejected.
It took a near mental meltdown to wake me up.

I couldn't reach out, cause I had made a prison of silence.
People thought I was

I was
I felt I had to be the sensible one, the pragmatic one...the one who kept things straight.
I never let loose, I never had fun. I planned our vacations and didn't enjoy them. When the husband and kids went to the park, I did the bills and planned homeschool .

I wouldn't allow myself to feel disappointment or happiness.
I wouldn't allow myself to be sad, or ecstatic.
You all notice my "Iron grip" on the calorie counting and dieting.
Imagine that applied to controlling my emotions.
You see, I had watched my mother allow her emotions to dictate her choices.
I knew I would NEVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME. I would never allow my emotions to get ahead of WHAT WAS RIGHT.

Here's a for instance....
I still remember getting my minivan.
I had wanted it, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself.
I took it for a test drive.
The guy looks at me and says (looking very worried)
Do you like it?
I said "Yes, I love it."
He said..."Oh, you don't look very excited."
I said
"This is as excited as I get."
He says "Oh."
And that was that.
I did get a good deal.
Being stoic has it's advantages. lol.

Now, I have lost about 80 lbs.
Last September, after about four months of losing weight and not using food for a crutch...all the mental debris started floating to the surface.

There were years of anger, resentment, sadness, fear and any other feeling you can imagine.
All those feelings I had stuffed down, weighed down with food...

There wasn't any other choice now, but to deal with them.
I honestly think for a lot of people...this is where the diet hits the fan.
They either get past it...or they fail.
They either change, or they revert.
You don't get more than 100 lbs over weight without SOMETHING eating you.
I'm sorry, I just don't buy it.
There is too much stigma involved with being morbidly obese.
There is too much pain, mental and physical.
Something is going on.
My friend told me the other day that it isn't just the weight that was different with me....
I am different.
She is right.
I used to feel disconnected from my own body.
From my feelings.
From stimulus and response.
It used to be that someone would say something terrible and I would 'feel' nothing.
Now I am firmly in my body.
I am present.
Now I feel it.
Last night, I was putting on makeup. I really liked the way it looked.
I liked it. I noticed liking it.
Then I felt something strange in the center of my chest.
Like a kind of buzzy tight feeling.
I realized I felt excited.
I felt excited for what was happening.
There are good and bad things connected with giving up food as a drug.
The bad...
You feel all the negative emotions you haven't wanted to feel.
The memories come back.
You start to care.
You FEEL the pain.
Conflict, with yourself and everyone around you is inevitable.
YOu see before, you were compliant. You never wanted anything.
You never asked for anything. You just gave.
You were like an appliance.
When you suddenly come alive.
Start reaching out for love, for attention and for acceptance.
It requires more from the people around you.

The good...
You start to care.
And along with the bad things...
come the good things.
Things like
People step up, you start getting some of your emotional needs filled in the proper way.
When you finally learn to express it, not stuff it.
You learn to live again.
Not function.

Put down the food and feel.
It won't kill you, Trust me.
Your happy and excited blogger,


Perfect 10 update....

Hello all,
Hello Steve.
Another thing you didn't know about me...
I love grain silos.
I like driving through Kansas in the winter.
I like how stripped down and essential everything becomes.
The dead stalks of corn and the pewter sky and the occasional bare tree posed against the sky, alone. Something you wouldn't notice anywhere else....but because it's so rare...the tree is noticeable.
Sometimes there is beauty in what is considered ugly.
It looks real, untouched.
It's the beauty of reality.
Like Pittsburgh.
It is what it is.
I was riding an amtrak train through philadelphia when I was 19.
The train tracks passed right by these brick apartment buildings with open windows , but they weren't open...they were broken. It was winter...December.
And the curtains from inside were sucked out into the breeze.
Just these little flags of color against dirty brick.
Kind of like pieces of peoples' souls, like spiritual flags or something.

I like railway stations, and factories at night with smokestacks.
Junkyards and gravel pits...especially at night.
The remains of humanity.

Hope everyone is feeling great.
This week was hit and miss.
I did 5 days of exercise...so I guess I am pulling out one of my flex days.
This makes two out of three flex days used..

Water...every day...great water intake.
1500 calories every day but yesterday....ugh.
situps 3 days of situps...on target. The upper body, only 2 days.
New recipe
cabbage and turkey sausage tonight.
pretty good.

I have been getting my veggies and fruits in daily...of course with the higher calorie count I should.
Calories in today at 1360...
I blame the cabbage.
I ate a ton and there is hardly any calories in it.
Turkey sausage and cabbage.
dinner 480 calories
lunch cottage cheese and pineapple 250
yogurt honey and peaches 330
coffee 80 calories
crackers and cheese 220

crazy....it was a ton easier today.
turkey sausage is a good meat to eat...it fills me up, I can have a ton....
good choice.
My hair has a reddish light brownish tint....not actually a blond. lol.
My friend and kids and hubby say they like it.
I am still trying to get used to it.
I will try to upload a pic tomorrow.
And I just want to say...
Thank you to Sally Costa from The Mais Fica blog for the beautiful Yankee candle (I actually won a blog give away...how crazy is that)...
My whole family is now singing along with me...
pants on the ground, pants on the ground...lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.
Hat turn side ways gold in yo' mouth...lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.
So, shout out to General Larry...
Thank you for saying what we have all been thinking lo these many years, but never stopped to put into song.
Your pants pulled up blogger,


I'd kiss ya but I just dyed ma hair......

I'll explain the title in a minute.

well, I didn't go to the gym or even take a real walk.
I went with my youngest selling girl scout cookies.
While I did walk...I mostly stood...right behind her while she sold cookies.
We were out for about an hour and a half.
We have sold 68 boxes so far...
not bad.
I made my moderate calorie pizza tonight and enjoyed the heck out of it.
To be honest I ate maintenance today...1800.
I have been so hungry lately.
That's no excuse though.
I have decided to dump some more cals off my coffee.
When I say decided that means, I'm doing it.
It may not taste the same, but I have to.
So tomorrow I will be using the caramel sugar free calorie free syrup and half and half (2 T)
I am just not getting enough food this way. I am getting maybe 1200 calories of food food and considering I burn 700 in a workout...it just isn't enough food food.
It will cut my calorie intake from coffee from 220 to 80 calories.
That will free up 140 calories...Which doesn't seem like a lot. But when it comes to dinner...it takes it from around 450 to 550 and I can do alot with 550 calories.
So 400 for breakfast 400 for lunch...80 for coffee 520-550 for dinner.
What has happened since I started fatmaggedon was that I was going to drop my calories to 1400 calories per day.
220 of which was coffee.
On a 1400 calorie day...I was hungry.
I tried chewing gum..drinking lots of water. Diet coke at night for the fizzy full feeling.
I'll make it two or three days and eat 1800.
Now if you follow me readers...that is averaging out to yes, you guessed it-1500 calories.
All this angst to what purpose????
I don't know.
The only area left for me to cut is coffee.
I'll try it. I think I need more real food in my stomach instead of sugar from coffee.
clever, ain't I....
Oh, I dyed my hair...dark blond...about a shade or two lighter than my actual color.
Daring, ain't I? lol.
My husband said he liked it...my friend amber said she liked it...will post a picture soon and see if you all like it.
I also went out and bought makeup today. I think I posted a while back that I was experimenting with makeup.
Well, today I went and got a new mascara...maybelline stiletto mascara.
I also got lip liners and a nude gloss. I figured out that I like lip gloss, but wanted different colors.
So I bought lip liners in nude and plum and got a nude lip gloss with a tinge of pink.
I also bought some really light blush and some rimmel eyeshadow.
I love rimmel eyeshadows and eyeliners. They are my favs along with their tinted li pgloss.
If Jack is reading, maybe he can chime in...better yet..come up with diet names for lip gloss.
Somehow I doubt he got this far....lol.
I will be experimenting with darker shades of eye shadows. I saw some videos on youtube where the dark shades actually looked good, and not like you got socked in the eye.
So, I'll be giving it a go.
I almost bought some hard candy eye shadow stick in dark gold...glittery and all...then I remembered that I am not 14 and put it back.
Well, I hope all is well with you. IT's back to the gym hard core tomorrow with a little workout sess. with arnold.
Still tweaking, still working out the bugs....still going.
Your working on it dogged blogger,


Things that make me happy.....

1.) I weighed in this morning at 182.
That is a total loss of 80 lbs so far.

2.) Jane austen novels and movies.....
My favorite movie of all time. Persuasion (1995 version with ciaran hinds)

3.) Walking...my favorite exercise...
Which I just did...3.5 miles...I am also happy because 8 months ago I could only walk for 1 mile without becoming extremely tired.

4.) greek yogurt.
Which I am currently eating.

5.) That I was raised tough.
I learned the value of knowing who and what you are.
I'll trade being respected rather than liked any day.

6.) self sufficiency.
I was raised in the country. I think many people have become so numb to their natural surroundings that they wouldn't know how to function if you stripped away the tv, the computer and the air conditioned cars.
They have no idea what their bodies are capable of . I may not like to camp. But if I had to, I could make a fire...build a shelter. Find food (kill food). I am happy I have good outdoor skills.

7.) My children
nuff said.

8.) The telephone
It keeps me in contact with my family back east.
Through this little miracle of technology, I can talk to my mom two or three times a week to see how she is doing.

9.) New art pencils.
Oh, the possibilities.

10.) Books....It's like travel without the jet lag.

I walked and am about to do my upper body workout.
Hope everyone had a good day.

And again....always trust the animals.

Just prior to the haitian earthquake....



Chrisbodia Day one year zero....or how I climbed back on the horse.....

Hey all,
Back from la la land.
First off, Hanli...I will be bloggin about things that make me happy....tomorrow. Some of them are in this post. But happiness Is a great subject and deserves it's own post.
I felt soooo much better when I got up this morning that the tiredness from yesterday was probably 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical.
I mean I ACHED yesterday.
Joints, muscles, headache...all of it.
I felt tired and worn out.
Allow me to detail about my time off...
It involved many of my favorite things, things which I HAVE NOT had the time for lately.
It involved the movie strictly ballroom (one of my favorites which you can watch in it's entirety on youtube.)
and a big old bar of white chocolate.
It was awesome...
I also had a great dinner...beans and rice and a grilled chicken, bell pepper and onion burrito with tomatillo salsa....
I stopped by Barnes and nobles and perused a biography of Georgia O' Keefe.
I bought the sugar free caramel flavoring from Starbucks to use in my coffee and hopefully lower my overall calorie count.

You see,
I have become a bit unbalanced about the way I use my time.
I used to have Saturdays 'off'....not the whole day, but a good part of it.
Increased obligations, my going to the gym....girl scouts, home school etc. Have really lead to the demise of my Saturdays off.
It has also led me to a kind of one note existence..
Which wasn't healthy (in the mental sense).
I used to read...
I haven't sat down to read read in over seven months.
As much as I like romance novels...I like to read things with substance as well.
I could feel my mind atrophy.
In the last two weeks, If I haven't said the word time more than any other word in the English language....I will sell my liver.
Usually in this way.....
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR...(insert whatever activity here)
It was good putting my workouts first.
I am still doing that to some extent.
But on one saturday a month. I am going to go and have a fun dAY.
And on another, I will go to the gym early and have a light workout and then spend a day with my family.
I need to find some balance.
That being said...I had also got rather happy at my current weight (186)
I know that is atrociously large for some of you...but I assure you...I feel slim comparatively speaking.
I was allowing 'little bites' here and there.
ohhh...you know what I'm talking about...lets just have a taste,
100 extra calories won't matter.
When they do,
When it ALL ADDS UP.
That is why my weight loss has slowed from 10 to 8 lbs per month...
There was Not the same fire in the belly.
Well, I woke up this morning recharged.
When tempted to have a sip out of my daughters cup of milk.
I said no.
When tempted to just 'have a tiny bite' of that chocolate cake my husband baked i said no.
It's the little slips that lead to the downhill slide.
I am back otk.
Welcome to Chrisbodia, day one...year zero.
Your dieting blogger is back.
A little wiser, and a little more balanced.


Chris beuller's day off...

Hello all,
I have decided to take a mental health day.
exhaustion has overwhelmed me...and before I eat my young...burn down my house or God forbid leave a less than tactful response on somebody's unsuspecting blog...
I am taking the night off.
I am going to sit somewhere with some hot cocoa and immerse my itty bitty brain in a gothic romance novel.
I am going to avoid contact with humanity and bank statements,
over zealous cookie troop managers and potential customers, piles of laundry, piles of dishes and piles of bills, responsibilities, sweaty and overly made up man eaters at the gym, and the smell of burning rubber and lycra.
Regular programming will resume tomorrow,
when I shall rid myself of the holiday blues, embrace the new year in all it's potential
and come out swinging.
Have a great night guys,
your tired blogger,


'Diet Food'

Hey all,
waaaaaass up!
Sorry, I am TIRED.
I had a long day that I don't want to discuss...it involved door to door cookie sales, gym time and grocery shopping.
So, I thought I would talk tonight about "Diet" food.
I was grocery shopping.
I think I mentioned once that I used to like to look in skinny people carts to see what they were eating.
Well, now that I am over half way to goal...and feeling skinny in the relative sense...I look in bigger peoples carts to see what they are eating.
It turns out they are eating diet food.
What could I possibly mean?
I mean two boxes of special K. Low fat snack cakes...fake wheat bread....you know the kind..it's brown but doesn't have any grain in it...just molasses.
I see a lot of fake, highly processed and highly chemicalized diet food.
I remember eating stuff like this and feeling proud that I was 'eating healthy'.
all that processed food triggered binging behavior....caused my blood sugar to spike and left me feeling hungry.
I have a feeling it does the same for a lot of people.
I never would have thought of ADDING fat to a salad, or eating nuts.
Or eating eggs....or yogurt...not 'no fat, chemically sweetened' yogurt....but lowfat yogurt with honey and peaches.

Diet for me was what was in the 400 lb women's cart three back in line.
Special K and no fat cheese and white bread with turkey. Limp iceburg lettuce with 'low fat' dressing.
Not a nice vinaigrette.
Lean protiens,
Good Dairy.
Lots of veggies...grilled or perhaps an awesome salad with nuts and feta.
Whole grains,
Eating the way I eat now...those lean protiens, Good dairy, veggies and fruit...
It makes a huge difference in your blood sugar and your feelings of fullness.
I think there are some huge misconceptions about weight loss out there, and it's too bad.
Half of that crap should have a warning labels.
It gives people erroneous ideas about nutrition.
I am not typing this to judge her...she is doing the best she can. I am p*ssed at the diet industry for promulgating bs and sucking in desperate people.
I ate clean today and kept my calories to 1440....I exercised for 1 hour on Christian.
I didn't do my upper body workout today....I was sooooo tired before I even got on him that I barely made it through my cardio. I'll make it up on Wednesday.
Hope you all are having a great night.
I am going to get some sleep now.
Talk to you all later.


Fatmaggedon outta here....

overate...by about 300 calories....calories in today at 220o.
oh well.
I ate pizza instead of chicken.
My chicken was still frozen.
I did a three mile walk and my situps.
So today was a wash.
That's alright. Back otk tomorrow.
IF there is one thing I have learned, it's to let go of days that don't go as you planned.
YOu can bang yourself up about it...but that just leads to more bad days.
In the end it's a downward spiral.
1500 or under....

And might I say, I called it with the sea lions and California and the earthquakes.
It's humans who seem to have lost their basic instincts.
Call me Kreskin.
(or call me something or someone who had immense respect for animal life....dogs usually ferret out crappy people...animals run from danger....etc.)
Well, When the sea lions said "HEY! I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE."
I thought hmmmmm.
They had been there for twenty years.
I don't think it's over either.
There have been two rather major earthquakes.
One on the coast of Northern California.
One on the coast of Southern California...in the last week.
I do wonder what kind of pressure that puts as the plates grind together.
The plates sliding past each other and the pressure has been released north and south...not so much in the middle.
Have a great night guys.
Will come back tomorrow with a clean eating day and awesome workout stats.
your pizza having blogger,
er. Chris


Phoenix rising....perfect 10 update, fatmaggedon fabulous....

I have to tell you something new you may not know about me.....hmmmmm.....
I love cats.
I have a cat named leo. The thing I love most about him is the way he strives to protect his dignity from all enemies foreign and domestic.
Ruffle his fur...it's a glare and a defensive grooming.
Toss him off the table. He stands for a minute and then struts away like it's his idea.
Don't feed him quickly or properly, he'll bite your toes.
I love leo.

Now, lets get the Perfect 10 out of the way...
Goal 1: Six days of exercise
Nailed it and then some.
exercise is never a problem for me.

Goal 2:
Water 8 cups...
did it but was pushing it. It wasn't as easy as I 'd like it to be.

Goal 3 posting food daily...
every day but one.
My calories were kept below 1500 every day but one as well...
correlation, no...1510 was a day I posted...go figure.

Goal 4
In bed before midnight.
In bed yes, asleep...no.

Goal 5
situps 200 in under 5 minutes...
progressed over the last 7 days.
I can do 165 in under 5 minutes.
Here's to next week.

Goal 6
Beginning photo
a few posts down..you'll find it.
I will post again at the end along with ending photo.

Goal 7
New recipe
shrimp/turkey sausage pasta
pretty good, made it up myself.
Also tried fiber one pancakes with blueberry sauce and turkey jimmy dean sausages
pancake good
blueberry sauce okay....but kind of soaked in a bit too much
turkey jimmy dean sausage pattie...out of this world and on my permanent buy list.

Already post start weight....
goal 8: lose 8 lbs...
lost 2 so far, so on track thatta way.

goal 9 one fruit two veggies per day
I missed the fruit one day...but got plenty of veggies.
Don't know why fruit is so hard.
I like it well enough.

oh looked at my goals...and while exercise was indeed one of my goals it seems I got specific.
So, I did indeed do six hours of cardio and three days of arm toning and three days of situps.
So, goal 10 accomplished.
8 out of 10 for the week.
That's a B.
I'll try harder next week.
Tomorrow is my higher calorie day.
I am very excited...lol.
I get 1860 calories tomorrow.
Watch out food.

Now on to Phoenix rising ....
I finally burned the last of my 18's yesterday in broad daylight.
It felt very strange.
I suppose I should have felt some sadness but I didn't...I didn't feel much of anything.
My little one asked me If I was ashamed of getting that fat.
I said No.
She asked me If I was angry or sad.
I said NO.
She asked me what I was feeling.
I said "that part of me is in the past."

I sat out there looking at those clothes that are now ashes and realized that someday, that is all that will be left of me...ashes (If I choose to be cremated)
That and a legacy of whatever Life I left or built.
Burning those clothes felt like a letting go of a me that was never supposed to have been.
That was a me created by years of living in a mindless fashion.
That was a me that had no vision and no hope and no respect for who I had the potential to become.
I won't sit one more minute worrying about the time that is gone.
I won't waste one more emotion on what is in the past.
It's like I burned every regret, every mistake, and every missed opportunity...and out of the ashes I am building a new life.
One I choose.
Every moment is a chance to create yourself anew with your intentions.
And it is a moment to drop the past...just leave it there, where you finally figured it out.
No need to drag it any further.
Set it down and pick up something new.
Something YOU CHOOSE.
With the knowledge that the choice you make will have consequences.
That you don't need an out or an excuse.
You just need a Chance To Begin Again.

Here's to Rising to New Heights,
Your On Fire Phoenix,


Back at it....day 8 at the gym...

Hey all,
I read the comments...
I hope no-one is worried about men flirting with me.
It doesn't turn my head, I guess is the old fashioned phrase....More than anything I simply remember how nobody flirted with me when I was much bigger. I have no illusions about the nature or quality of any interest shown.
My husband was married to me through thin and thick and now hopefully thin again.
If anyone deserves a shot at the goodies, it's him.
There is where I sign off from tmi thursday, back to our regularly scheduled blog....
So, I went to gym today.
I went for 60 minutes on Arnold. I burned 700 calories.
Then I did my 165 situps.
same proportion as three posts down.
3 eggs and 1 toast 310 cal.
1&1.5 cups macaroni and cheese made with water 435 cal.
6 strawberries 30 cal.
1 T honey 60
2 cups coffee 4 T sugar....(no milk today)
2 oz. chicken 100 cal.
8 shrimp 130cal
15 spears asparagus 62 cal.
3 shrooms 10 cal
1 T butter 100 cal.

Total calories 1417
under my 1500 calorie cap for the day...pretty good.

oh and quick heads up for those of you counting on restaurants to get the calorie counts right...
It's all about how they aren't....not fun.
I am going to keep it short tonight.
I will have a much longer and better post tommorrow.
Take care all....


186 and an NSV

My weight this morning.
To be honest, I don't recall this weight or the last time I weighed it...I remember 179, the next time I stepped on a scale it read 190.
This was the great gray area between, "I'm okay" and "oh gosh, I'm 10 lbs away from 200".
I weighed 190 in october 2000 when I got pregnant with my sophie...so, Approximately 9 years and a few months. I weighed 179 in Germany in 1998.
I am about 46 lbs from a normal bmi. 48 lbs from the weight I was when I met my husband in the military. I have lost 76.4 lbs.
I have never lost this amount of weight, and still felt this committed, ever.

I have a little story for those of you wondering if this whole weight loss thing is worth the effort.

I went to fedex kinkos today.
I have been in there many times, today I went in a new outfit.
I looked pretty good...looking thinner even than a 16 would suggest.
I love black pants.
I walk in, and lo and behold some dude comes out from behind the desk and comes over...
I hadn't even set my purse down...
I hadn't even picked a machine.
He goes, Ma'am can I help you? You look confused.
(I am not confused...i have made copies many many many times before...in fact, I always do it in this establishment...in fact the first time I came in I waited at the counter for ten to twenty minutes for some help. that was nearly 80 lbs ago)
I say I was just going to make some copies.
! He takes my one lousy piece of paper and says "Let me show you how to do that the easy way!
He putsit on the top of the copier and proceeds to 'show' me.
Then he says "So, what are making copies for?"
I sat Girls scouts.
He says "I used to lead a boy scout troop, those kids are something aren't they?
I'm all like 'Yeah, they are.'
Then he says "Do you do a lot of copying?" I say "quite a bit".
He says "I miss doing scouts, have you been a leader long...."
I let that lie there, cause he is smiling and acting very friendly.
He says "would you like to know how to get a receipt"
(as I get the seven copies we just copied)
He goes and takes my card, and gets me a receipt...for .56 cents.
I said, wow...I didn't know you can do that.
He goes, yeah..alot of people don't know that
(and he hitches his pants up o.O..then says, maybe you can use it for tax purposes)
Then he walks me to the door, and said 'have a great day, hope to see you again)

I have been in that fed ex kinkos at least 20 times.
No, I was not the only person in there.
No, I did not have a large purchase.
Touching my arm and the whole nine yards.
I don't even know what to do when that happens.
When I was really fat, I had to hunt people down.
This is the second time i have had a noticeable difference in service, you will recall the geek squad incident.
The world, fellow bloggers, can be a cold and shallow place.
I still remember standing there while I was completely ignored.
Granted, I don't remember the people involved....but I have never in the last ten years of my existence been treated that way over a 56 cent purchase.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and swims like a duck...it's a duck.

That being said, I have a lovely husband....
Good to see you.
Hate to be going...but 179 is waiting.
Have a great night.


It's in the Want TO...

Hey all...Today was the last day of the first week of Fatmaggedon.
Six days of exercise under my belt.
Six days of good eating under my belt.
Tomorrow is my first rest day. Wednesdays are girl scout meeting and planning days.
I am keeping my calories tomorrow under 1400.
Today I did 45 minutes on Arnold and burned 500 calories, and have really been wanting to switch things up.
Getting on Christian is like going backwards.
I do need one or two lighter cardio days paired with heavier toning days.
After I got off Arnold, I hopped on a stationary bike for 15 minutes. I went five miles and burned about 107 calories.
It was okay.
Grand total burn was 607 calories.
Then i went upstairs and did my arm workout.
3 sets of 40 shoulder raises with 2.5 lb dumb bells
3 sets of 20 tricep extensions with 5 lb dumb bells
3 sets of 20 bicep curls with 5 lb dumb bells

That was it along with some stretching.

fage yogurt and honey and peaches 310
baked tostitos and salsa 180
5 pretzels 25 cal.
1 and 1/2 cups chicken soup 180 cal.
2 cups of coffee (Iknow, Iknow) 220 cal.
3 fish fillets 360 cal.
15 asparagus spears 62 cal.
3 shrooms 10 cal.
1 T butter 100
Total cals. around 1450 calories
(adding in my head)
Not bad.

I am thinking of taking two workouts per week home.
So tonight I went out and bought 3 lb dumb bells.
I want to buy the Tracy Anderson Mat workout.
I also want to buy the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred.
In the end it could be three days a week a the gym for elliptical and situps
and three days a week at home for major toning and a good walk.
I am going to see which workout I prefer for my body type before settling on an answer.

Now for the title of my post.
I go to the gym 6 days a week, and I have been going now for a few months.
I have noticed a few things.
There are the superfit people. People who are always there when I am there...(and probably a great deal of the time...even when I am not.)
They cardio, they lift, they do the rock wall...you name it...Fitness is a way of life, a hobby, a joy or whatever.
That will never be me, for me this is about using fitness as a tool to improve my life.

Then there are the people who are putting there time in to lose weight.
They are overweight but they get in there and when they are done, they are covered in sweat.
They push, they are there to work.
I count myself among this group...there are three or four of us.
Then there are the people who are there to kill time.
As Jillian would say, they phone it in...literally.
There they are, taking up valuable machinery, peddling at two miles an hour.
They have a magazine propped up in front of the display, leafing through with one hand.
In the other, a cell phone....laugh laugh laugh, talk talk talk.
They are as fat as they were five months ago, when I first came...at 220 lbs.
I am now 188 lbs....(I weigh in tomorrow to have a look see.)
In fact, if I look closely...some of them are FATTER.
They come, waste an hour and then hie off to Mcdonalds afterward.
These are the same people who you hear whining and moaning about how they can't make progress as you walk in the halls.
If you want to make progress, you have to push yourself.
Making sure your sweat doesn't smudge your makeup does no good.
And while your grey and pink outfit is very cute, it would look better if it weren't pulled tightly over the rolls of fat you refuse to work to get rid of, but bemoan constantly.
I have rolls of fat too, but I don't wonder why they are there, I know why...and so do you.
Hoop earings, glitter lip gloss, and matching outfit.
It doesn't make you healthy.
You have to want it.
Many times I am in there and I look up and down those machines and I know with 100 percent surety that I want it more than any other person there.
I am willing to hurt, I am willing to look sweaty and half dead.
I am willing to wear ratty workout gear and to exercise with or without music.
I am not there to pick up men.
I am there for me, for my body, for a better life.
I want it.
I want it more than I have wanted anything in forever.
It's a fire in me. It doesn't get lower...it gets higher every time I go...every time I lose a pound, every time I drop a size.
It's a fire I started, I kindled...one only I can put out.
I want it...DO YOU?
It's in the want to.
Now go out and get it.
Your on fire blogger,