learning through trials

I think this says it all...
Chris out.


when fates are linked...

Have you ever sat down and really thought about why you should forgive somebody...
You say things like "It's for you, not them."
Don't let things like that eat you up...
Forgiving allows you to let go...
So, I have forgiven for those reasons...
But quite frankly, it felt hollow and incomplete.
I have been having serious thoughts about forgiveness lately...
and sometimes I think God links people through a series of actions to teach them about  life.
Or about a truth in life.
My abusive step father and I are linked in  ways I can't quite figure.
But I know forgiveness is a big part of it.
Not just for me, but for him.
I once saw something pretty amazing.
I was watching the green river killer...I don't think you know that guy...or if you do, you are a big follower of the news like I am.
He murdered a lot of young women.
And as one person after another got up and condemned him you couldn't see a thing on that guys face.
Not a flinch.
Nothing but words like killer, scumbag...it didn't make a dent.
Then a man stood up and said "I forgive you, just like Jesus forgave me..not only do I forgive you..but I love you."
The killer started crying.
And I started thinking about why forgiveness would make him cry.
Those people probably didn't say anything he hadn't said to himself...he had probably called himself all sorts of names...or at least had heard it enough so that it wasn't surprising.
But love...
undeserved love...
I doubt that guy had ever had someone give him unconditional love.
Just like you can take anything but kindness when you are right on the knife's edge when it comes to stress....You can take people being a holes...people cutting you off...people bailing.
But have some lady pull you aside while your toddler is screaming her head off and you are trying to mail a package to your husband who has been deployed for 9 months..and instead of her saying something like:
"Could you get your screaming brat out of here?"
Instead she says "Oh hon, thank you for your sacrifice...why don't I take her over here and play while you send your package"...
and you get so overcome you have to leave and cry...
Because it allows you to feel, instead of put up a wall.
So maybe forgiveness is the beginning, and compassion and love is the key that unlocks the ability to feel...and when that person feels forgiven they can forgive.
Maybe that is what Jesus meant when he said
I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
the forgiveness is an act of the will...a sacrifice of your feelings of vengeance.
To have compassion and love means to have mercy.

Because the pain that was visited on me didn't originate with him...or even his father's father.
There is a reason it's called a cycle of violence.
The only way to break the cycle of anger and hate is to counter it with love, not a void.
What it takes is It's opposite...
To stop at sacrifice...and not extend to mercy...
I think it's good...
but it's not enough.
not for me.
It's the extra mile.
Which is why, even after I had called and told him I forgave him....he was defensive. 
He could sense the judgement within the forgiveness...
But if you could reach out to someone with love....
What then?
I just need to figure out how.
Those are my thoughts for the day.
Chris out.



Who I am doing this for and...Thanks!

Thank you guys for all the great snack suggestions...I love cabbage..so I may end up making 'mexican coleslaw' with green bell peppers for a night time snack. Anything to get through. By the end of the night I really am low on calories...or right at the edge...and if I am too hungry, I can't sleep.
 I am a night owl. It's just the way I am. I have always been this way.
I went to the gym today...I have been weighing daily and am feeling good about my progress.
I sometimes have to remind myself that it takes time...
The last 20 pounds are harder than the first hundred and 10.
I don't know why.
Maybe that's why it's been such a long hard row this last year.
You are almost where you want to be, but not quite.
And some times you realize that even with every effort you will not look like some of those young, perky things flitting around the gym. 
So you put in maximum effort and end up with mediocre results.
But I guess that is when you have to accept reality and move forward regardless.
Because it isn't about anyone but you.
And you owe it to yourself to do your best...FOR YOU.
So...I go on.
Knowing I look better than I did three years ago...that I have expanded my life in so many ways and that I am no longer simply existing...but able to really enjoy things.
Have a great night guys...


What are some good late night snacks for the calorie conscious?

I need some hints..
When it's 10 at night and I am very hungry I need good low calorie options.
So far the only great snack I have come up with is celery dipped salsa.
Any other sorts of cravings are harder to fix at 50 calories or less...like salty crunchy.
Chocolate-y etc.
What are some of ya'lls favorite low cal snacks?

I went to the gy m and did lower body weights and a four mile walk.
My husband went with me.
It was fun.
I don't have much to type tonight.
I am going to try and get to bed early cause I 'don't want to eat'.
Have a great night guys.
Chris otu.


"FAT" according to whom?

I have been thinking... which can be lethal in a bad mood...
I have been taking pics of my face...of my body.
I am Trying to improve them.
To my satisfaction.
I have to tell you people...I am glad I have a strong mind.
Because reading some of the comments about stars and their supposedly 'fat' bodies..
I can see why young girls become anorexic.
It's disgusting.
I was catching whiffs of how 'fat' Christina aguilera had gotten...
so I looked it up.
I was expecting a 50 pound gain by the way they kept going on and on...
Except she was not a size 16 or 20....
This is her.... 'fat'.

I think they mean P.H.A.T.  (pretty, hot, and thick.)
After that little discovery I ran across This!

Do any of those women look fat to you?
Me either.
I weighed in today at 157.
That is a one pound loss.
 And I am proud of it!
I am still trying to lose weight...
to get to a healthy weight.
Not to become a stick figure or a walking skeleton.
And for comparison...
Demi moore last night.

When your head is bigger than your pelvis, it's time for a burger.
What lessons are we teaching our boys and girls?
Guys are all over the place talking about how fat Christina Aguilera is...
So are a lot of girls.
Heck, even kelly osbourne called her fat.
She is tops an 8....probably less than that.
Just looking at her, she is still a healthy weight.
It's ridiculous.
We need to stop buying into the culture of anorexia.
And we need to embrace being healthy.
Women need to stop lynching each other in the press.
That would be a good start.
That's all,
Chris out.


Hottification..day whatever...gettin rid of wrinkles...lol

So, it's monday and I thought I would post.
I have been working out 6 days a week and eating well (except for saturday where I had one too many homemade tortilla chips and salsa bowls. lol)
I noticed the other day that I have lines around my eyes and forehead...
well, I noticed these before...but one is starting to look like  it's carved across my forehead.
So, as you can imagine...I have been paying attention in stores.
I have no wish to shoot botulism into my face, so I thought I would try less extreme measures to 'ease' the look of wrinkles...
So I am trying this:

So, My first go was last night.
I am not supposed to see any difference for a month or so..
When and if I do...Or don't as the case may be...I'll let you know.
No B.S.

I have also decided to cut 'real' chocolate out of my diet for the next month. I have been eating way too much, even if I do keep it within my calorie count. It's better to eat something that will be nurturing to my body.
I burned 700 calories on my workout today.
elliptical and situps and upper body weights.
I really am all in at the gym.
And I am all in on my rest day.
No short walk...nothing.
Just rest.
Well...that's all for now.
Have a great night guys.
Talk to you later.


Ogled by a hippy? Same as:__________

well, day 3 here..and I had another great day of eating and exercising.
Luckily I also have 2 and some odd years behind me to tell me that while today was great,
tomorrow might suck. So I was getting all I could out of the deal.

And I got half way through my workout tonight when I was ogled by a dude that looked like:
Larry from dharma and greg...

Which of course reminded me of that day in my life when my weight loss efforts paid off and I was ogled by a redneck....

Yes, I had a flashback.
Which means I definitely need to lose 20 lbs.
He didn't just ogle...he glanced...He puffed...
He walked by 5 or 10 times.
Which means, in his mind...we were sympatico.
Of a kind.

That took the steam out of my workout for about 5 or 10 minutes.
But I talked myself through it. lol.
Let's make it a motivator, shall we?
So, I took starting photos and would like to post them and have indeed, tried twice to no avail.
ahhh well.
I will try again tomorrow.
so, 1650 calories consumed..
650 calories burned.
Net caloric deficit...580.
Not too bad.
Have a great night guys!
Chris out.


facing the scale...weight and measurements...

Hey all,
Hows it going?
As you all may now realize...I haven't weighed myself since, oh...about January. lol.
I knew my pants were a bit tight...but I felt pretty good.
Well, I still feel okay...but the weight was a bit of a surprise..
Which it shouldn't be considering I have been a bit fast and loose with the calories.
But kept exercising but would have on program days and off program days.
Those off  program days add up.
I weigh 158.
That's up from 146. something or other.
I would say ouch...but sister...I 've been worse.
Weighing in is an excellent way to right your ship of illusion. lol.
I also took my measurements.
Boobs: 38 inches
waist: 32 inches
hips: 40 inches
Thighs: 23.5 inches (and the bane of my existence
calves: 15 inches.
So there it is...Now to have someone take a pic and post it.
At least I have loads of room for improvement.
On the upside I had a fabulous hair day and I love the gel eyeliner I have purchased.
I worked out in my bruce springsteen t shirt and ate my allotted calories..
So Day 2 of my hottification went incredibly well.
Beauty tip of the day:
When applying eyeliner...go UP at the end of the eye or you will end up looking old and sad.
That was a direct quote from the young lady applying her eyeliner. lol. 
also...sparkly eyeshadow pulls out hidden wrinkles...(good for those of us over 35 to keep in mind?.
hottification completely underway.
Day 2 complete.
next weigh in and measurement
Next Tuesday...It's as good a day  as any.


The most shallow post in the history of blog posts....

well howdy all,
I have been th inking lately that it is hard to summon enthusiasm for the day in and day out of weight loss.
I have been doing it for a while.
A long while.
I am relatively healthy.
relatively thin.
Relatively happy.
I still have about 20 lbs to lose.
Not there.
But not uncomfortable.
So how do I shift it into high gear.
After a certian point...all the heavy duty lifting is done.
I have cleaned my chicken coop.
fixed my mental deformities...and dealt with the rest.
I am happy.
So How do I get up the gumption to get a smaller rear?
Well folks..
There is only one reason to do it.
to look hot.
or HAWT.
The last 20 pounds are vanity pounds.
Oh, I know I am 'overweight"...
but my bloodpressure is fine...I can exercise an hour a day..do 100 situps.
I lift.
There is nothing left but the superficial pride in having a smaller @ss.
It's just that simple.
So fine.
Superficial it is..
I am calling this  "Project Hawtification'.
(Or Hottification as deliberate misspellings irritate me.)
Over the next six months I will be taking my measurements...my weight....and everything else..
and I will be trying to make it look better.
That's it.
No deep seated meaning other than..."How does my rear look in these pants?"
Is my skin clean and shiny?
Do my teeth blind you?
Every day I will focus on proper nutrition...exercise....and finding what shapes and colors suit me.
I have never bothered really till now.
That stuff kids figure out in high school...
What haircut looks best.
What colors.
What suits them.
Well...By the time my 38th birthday rolls around...I want to look the best I've ever looked.
Then we will see what I do from there.
Will it be fun?
I am sure it will be.
Probably not...
But every once in a while..it's okay to just have fun.
Chris out


Is anyone having issues viewing my blog?

Just wondering..I have lost 6 followers in two days. Now I expect that on obnoxious days...but this is strange. Not sure what's going on? 


It's never too late to lose weight...

Right now I am going to tell you about a moment I had...
It was about 6 months before I decided to do what I could to be healthy...
It was a moment that was very painful.
My husband and I had a very honest discussion about weight.
(This is not put on here as an opportunity to take pot shots at my hubby...he was being honest in a way a lot of men never are..)
He said He was having a hard time seeing past my weight and he didn't find me attractive.
He would never have said it if I hadn't pushed...and those of you who know me irl know I am a persistent bugger. (my nickname amongst my husband and children...the badger...nuff said)
He said it, I cried.
But I was strangely relieved to have it out in the open.
I don't like the murky beneath.
Rip that sucker off and let the puss out.
The thing is...even though he said that, I knew he would never cheat...He loved me.
He is a good man.
So it went ring round in my head...I will always be fat, and he will always be with a wife he doesn't find attractive.
He said alot of positive things about me...that I was hard working, and practical and honest, and moral and a good friend, and all that.
(in my mind "like a plowhorse' was a thought that popped up)
But that isn't what a wife wants to hear from her husband...
So that night I went upstairs and got on the 600 dollar treadmill that was a relic from a past weight loss attempt...
I got three minutes in and simply quit.
I started crying so hard I couldn't stand up.
And I knew I would always be fat.
I felt that to my very soul.
That I was too tired to make it.
I took every article of clothing from my treck up the scale...the old 9's and 10's...the 11's, 12's, and 14's...(there were no 16's and 18's).....
And I gave them all to goodwill.
I gave up.
flat out.
December 2008...if you would have met me, I would have said "color me fat."

I decided to work on being happy..
on asserting myself.
On respecting myself right where I was.
And It worked pretty well..
Because 5 months later my brain was open to recieve a much needed message.
That message.
I am too smart to be this fat.
I deserve better.
I deserve to be healthy.
I had to get my mind right.
Accept who I was..
And that someone was not my fat...my fat was my unwelcome visitor...
A symptom.
Not me.
 I had to like who I REALLY  was enough to feel that I deserved the time and effort and inconvenience it would be, and say 'screw it'...I am going to make me healthy ...
and then I could move.
At that point...I didn't care who thought I was or wasn't attractive.
I was doing it for me.
I wanted to prove to ME that I had as much stamina as bambi in the mall in her size 2 dress, looking down her twitchy nose at me while I sucked on my starbucks.
If a shallow twit could pull off skinny...then a thinking person can.
I knew it was a mind game.
I knew that my previous attempts were all about five months from  now..
YOu know what you do..
five months from now I will be a size ____.
A year from now I will be skinny!
I knew that I couldn't do that.
Because we live in Today.....And five months from for a food addict, under constant temptation....
It doesn't work.
I also knew stepping on a scale right then would simply plow me under...so I waited.
I threw away that coffee right then.
Went home, prayed..
Got up the next day and set a simple calorie cap..
And took a 1 mile walk.

I weighed in two  weeks later at 262.4 lbs.
and it still nearly threw me...
But I said "you don't do it now...and you will be 362 a year from now".

So I said 1 day at a time.
1 pound at a time.
Who can do 130 lbs!
Who can do 1 lb.
Who can do a year of this?!
Who can do one day?
One day one day one day one day one day...
And then you look back, and it's been 600 days.
one pound one pound one pound one pound...
and you look back and it's one hundred pounds.

And one day your husband looks at you and says
"You look pretty'...and while that isn't what you do it for...it feels good.
Because you want to...
And you look down at the  body you thought would always be fat and feel sick and realize...
I did it.
This isn't a dream...the dream you have as you sit on your bed wondering what it is like to be thin...
because you CAN cross your legs....tie your shoes...walk 5 miles...turn some heads.

It's never too late as long as you have a today.




What I didn't eat today....

Hey all,
A lot of times, it isn't about what you eat...it's about what you don't eat.
actually, with food addicts..the number of time food crosses your mind would be about the same as the number of times sex crosses the mind of your average 17 year old male...about 20 times a minute.
Especially when you are in weight loss mode, have just finished your workout and are at the grocery store to pick up two or three items you are out of....and
you walk by your latest fixation.
caramel covered in chocolate.
And you know you have the 250 calories you could invest..
but you also know that sugar is a huge trigger for you....
as is caffeine..
and chocolate has both.
So, you pass it up....
And then you think about the tostadas you will be eating for dinner...
with brown rice and lean ground beef and some cheese.
the 2 percent kind.
But for a moment your mind flits to a big chunk of medium cheddar...and you think..
man...a couple of hunks of that and some french bread...
oh yeah!
Then...oh no! because with that combo..there is no way in heck you are only ingesting 600 calories..
more like a thousand by the time you are through (if you include the butter and the grapes....and the huge amount of bread I can ingest when I am hungry)
bread is another trigger..as is cheese.
So I skip the hunk..get the 2 percent shredded and on the way out, pick up one individually wrapped brach's orange slice which I savor on my way to the car.
So today...I have kept my calories under 1600...(as I did yesterday)
because of what I didn't eat.
I have also burned 650 calories and 400 calories on respective days.
It's two days...
of good on program eating and good on program exercise.
but tomorrow, today doesn't count.
And only tomorrow will matter.
What I do or don' t do tomorrow.....They all add up.
It takes two days to make 5 and 5 to make 30 and 30 to make 100.
Day in and day out.
But don't think about that..
Just do today.
Chris out. 

A chimera of superiority.

I do wonder sometimes, What it is people see when they see their fellow man.
I think many times, the judgement that flows so freely from people is due to ignorance.
It is easy to judge when you have never stood in a person's shoes.
Easy to feel superior.
To say...I would never stoop to ______.
You pick it.
I see it every day.
How could she _____....I would never.
Have you ever been put in that situation.
I read what can only be termed a disgusting comment.
A person was irritated because the mother of a terminally ill child asked for help.
This person said "If you can't take care of your children, you shouldn't have had them."
This was obviously a fly by.
You know the type, troll and run.
Except they did it to a woman who is losing her child.
This commenter has never been to the point in her life where she had to ask for help.
Good for her.
When I was 30, I was in the same space.
I never thought I would get to a place emotionally that I would need someone to share my load.
A few years later, I knew better.
It's called compassion.
And life will teach it to you. 
Give it time.
And here is what I wrote and I think it applies to situations big and small.
To that hooker you see on a corner.
To that fat lady in line at mcdonalds...
To the emotionally illiterate individual trolling the internet, seeking to feel a chimera of superiority...

We have no concept of what is going on in the lives of others...none.
There but for the grace of God Go I...
So this is what I wrote:

 You have never had to ask for help lexy?
I pity you. It's one of life's great humbling moments...the day you discover that you aren't God, and even with every good intention and all the hard work in the world, somehow and somewhere life has brought you up short.
When you find you are incomplete in your wholeness and now must rely, not just on your friends..but On God as well. Or you would never make it through with your sanity intact. I know, I have been there. I have had hard times, my brother diagnosed with a terminal illness..my husband deployed four times to iraq, and a miscarriage...and I have been to the bottom emotionally, But.. I have nothing in my life that can compare to the PAIN it must be to wake up daily and watch your child suffer. No tank of gas, or gift card can bring back the years of living this child would have had. Whether anyone ever understands how many kids she has or doesn't have...it's not their concern. As friends, they are willing to help. Not judge. And By God, I hope you never stand in those Iron shoes, my friend.   

So, as Christ said "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
As Christians...why aren't we out there extending mercy. This world needs it by the truckload.
Not one more uppity Christian with a need to lord it over others  about how perfectly they have managed their lives...when really, it's the grace of God.
 It's the three inches that seperated my daughter from a speeding 4 wheeler 4 years ago that saved me from being the mother of a dead child...it was my going to church and finding God at the age of 12, that probably saved me from promiscuity and a teen pregnancy....
The fact that I had A good man willing to work through the issues that life presented, that lived through all our separations, and survived ptsd and was willing to get healed from that, that saved my marriage from divorce. 
Two healthy kids.
not merit, but Grace.
A home and a job.
Some merit, a lot of Grace.

So...don't think your perfect because your blessed.
Thank God.
Because your blessed. 
Chris out.