weigh in numbers....and question 4.

I thought about how to post the weights...
I will be going from intitial starting weight..or it will get too confusing.

Jen B: -5.7
Alyce: -17.1 lbs
Lee -9.8 lbs
Ken: -17.6 lbs
Tammy: -11.4 lbs
EJane:  -4.6 lbs

Kathy: -3lbs
Shelaigh -8.6 lbs
Christina H. -.8 lb
Jo: +1 lb
Val N. -2.5 lbs
Kiran +.2 lbs
Barghavi -1.5 lbs
Sandra S. -.4 lb
Julie S. +3.6 lbs
Cheryl C. -0
Julie H. -10 lbs
Maya * did not report
April * did not report.

well...That would be four weeks of weight loss..weight maintenance or weight gain.
If I was a guessing gal...I am assuming some of ya'll didn't follow that whole 1500 calorie cap.
This would be a great four week period to try it.
See what the difference would be if you gave it a go.
I have lost 3.5 lbs.
I could have done better...especially with the exercise.
But I got it in..
I am going to send out question four tonight.
Question four looks deceptively simple..
But this is one that boomeranged me when I realized that I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.
That can be a very strange thing to realize.
So, check your in boxes..
also..I will be taking two or three days  off this blog.
I have a bunch of stuff to do with my oldest as regards college.
It's going to take all my focus.
So I will see you on Thursday.
Hugs, Chris


our deepest fear

Hey guys, I have most everyone's weight..as it's late I won't post it tonight because it involves math.
I hate math.
I will post tomorrow....most everyone lost weight...not as much but some.
A few gained.
I noticed a common theme in the last answer and it was one that I found to be true for me as well..
it was this...
We all think we are lacking in some way.
Even though it isn't true.
We compare ourselves to others.
I think as a whole we are a very honest bunch of people..
and we view others in a more charitable light than we do ourselves.

I know I did.
I used to think everyone else had it all together and that I was the only one wallowing around,
doing it wrong.
I have found over the last three years, that when you open up to others..
some of the seemingly strongest people are just really, really good at hiding their hurts.
They have a veneer that says "I have it all together.'
but if you listen to them...after a while you figure out they have a mask on.
That's all.

The theme I keep pounding..
because I know it to be true, is this:
At any moment you can take hold of your life..
any part of it
and change it.
You may have to set things down.
Put things aside.
Hurt someone's feelings.
let things go.

Dig up old hurts and put them to rest.
Stop using food as a substitute for living..
Tell someone no.
Tell someone yes.
Be scared.
Be brave.


But you can change whatever it is you need to change.
You can make your life what you want.
It really is up to you.
And if yesterday you let yourself down..
Then today you can start again.
And don't let yourself down..not today and not tomorrow.
You are enough.
You are worth the effort.
God gave you your mind, your body and this desire to be whole and healthy.
And you are capable.

IT isn't depriving yourself to be healthy.
It is setting yourself free to be the person you want to be.
Here's a quote I like:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

It's by marianne williamson...I dont agree with all that she writes...but I agree with this.



Weigh in tomorrow!

Hey guys..I know it doesn't seem possible..but weigh in is tomorrow...that is 28 days under your belt. I hope it's going well...Please weigh and then send me the numbers...I didn't get a whole lot of answers to the last question so I hope I still have all my challengers hanging in there! Have a great one!


Good bye to Fat Chris

Ever since I had my final revelation about my reticence to lose weight...I have still been reticent to lose weight...
you see..
fat chris was someone I had lived with since I was 12.
Fat Chris could fall into a plate of food when the world went to shit, even if it was only once a month.
I had a very good friend...I wouldn't hesitate to say my best friend really...tell me to talk to my husband because she didn't want me falling into a chocolate binge...
That is when someone knows you..when they know who you are..your weakness...and they love and respect you anyways and you love and respect them right back.
well, she was right.
That was the reason I started this challenge..
It isn't about perfection..it's about facing my addiction to being fat.
It isn't an addiction to food.
It is my addiction to the wall I have created..and the tool I chose to create the wall.
and I am saying goodbye to it in a letter.
I have been trying to write this for three or four days.
It has been difficult to do because letting go of what you know is hard.
Letting go of that last lifeline to your raft of excuses...
It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

so here goes:

Dear Fat me,
I have been clinging to these last 20 pounds like a child clings to a security blanket.
You have been my shield, my excuse, my wall and my comfort.
You kept me at a safe distance from life..
It's a distance I no longer want, need or desire.
I have been able to regain weight and then lose weight..the same weight..because deep down...I knew that letting go of you would make me accountable.
Once that weight is gone and I can no longer use food to numb my emotions..
then I have to face them...not just sometimes...but at all times.
Once you are gone...rejection becomes about me.
Once you are gone..my ability to deflect from my lack of progress in other areas of my life is GONE.
My weight has become a kind of fat clutter that I keep moving around to distract me from my reality.
I can no longer use YOU as an excuse to not move forward in other parts of my life...LIKE MY ART.
You see, I have been using you as a reason to put off becoming what I envision because I am afraid to try and fail.
What if I draw and nobody likes it..
better to keep yo yoing up and down the scale than to face that particular fear, right?
Life is too short.
I can no longer allow fear to keep me going in circles while precious moments drift away.
mediocre is no longer good enough.
I will no longer use you as a shield against unwanted male attention.
I will face it and move on.
I am grown now and can defend myself.
I don't need you for that anymore.
I don't need you to protect me from me either.
I have a conscience and a spirit.
I know right from wrong and I trust myself.
I will no longer use 'useful fat me' as a prop to rid myself of responsibility for my health...my health must be a top priority..
without it, I am of no use to anyone.
Taking care of me IS taking care of my family.
My family needs a whole and healthy me..
Not half of me...while the other half hides in the past.
I am ready to be as God created me...
I am ready to move out into the world as a whole person..no walls..no excuses..
am I afraid?
Will that stop me?
And no, I won't miss you.
Chris out.

p.s. weigh in is around the corner guys....be ready.


Question 3-My label was 'unloveable'...

Hello all,
haven't checked my email in box today...I hope you guys got the question...
The answer to my question for me was that I had somehow tagged myself with the label of 'unloveable'...
That came from a number of circumstances..
How my mom came to be pregnant with me..
My biological father not wanting to be a part of my life...
My stepfather's abuse...
I thought that since I was in essence 'unloveable' or "unwanted"..
that I should make myself useful.
That meant putting me last and everyone around me first.
I did it so much I lost who I was and became a product of what I meant to others.
I was no longer Chris.
I was mom...a wife...a sister...
If my whole circle of loved ones disappeared...who would I be?
At that point..I would have been no one.
I had no idea of my likes and dislikes..
or what I wanted to be..
or who I was at all.
I had no direction.
Now, figuring out that I am loveable....
that took time.
It started by looking at the people I LOVE.
I love my husband and my children and my relatives...
But my kids loved me in an unconditional way.
They knew me inside and out and loved me.
For who I am..
not what I look like, or how much I weigh or the money I make..
for simply who I am...
And if you don't have a person on earth who loves you that way...
then there is a God who loves you that way.
Who planned you from the FOUNDATIONS of the earth.
The idea that not only was I not a mistake..
but I was planned for since the foundations of time began.
Pretty much shot that whole unwanted thing in the @ss.
If nothing else, God has a plan for me..Chris.
My spirit, my essence.
A toxic label wounds the spirit...the longer it's left attached....the more damage it does.
If you have affixed it...rip it off..
if someone else has affixed it...hand it back.
There are other labels you can hang on yourself..
like beloved...


M.I.A. Day 21 (question coming tonight)

Sorry about that guys..weird couple of days and I have been very busy..
And I am not immune to getting trapped in my own head.
The question will be out tonight.
I have pretty busy...
I have also been doing a lot of thinking..
The little revelation I had a while back has opened alot of avenues in the mind.
Which is both a good and bad thing.
I have been having weird little mood swings.
Almost like a door to a bunch of feelings I did not have access to has been opened.
It's weird.
like anger.
This is a for instance..
I used to repress most of my anger.
When driving I would never use the horn..
I think using your horn is akin to screaming.
I don't think it's really worth it at a red to green light for instance..
or even if someone cuts you off..too late then.
They've already cut you off.
Well the other day I am driving my husband to work, we are in traffic and this guy...well he flat out stops on fountain blvd in the middle of rush hour. I have to slam on my breaks...then I realize he is trying to get over to turn left...I was nearly rear ended..the kids in the back of the car, the accident a week ago, and the sheer stupidity on this guy's part..well, It pushed me over some invisible edge...I honked three times.
The looks on the faces of Tim and the girls...
they all just stared at me..while I yelled out the window...get over Dumbass!
Kate goes "You NEVER honk!"It's a family joke.
When tim wants me to hurry he will honk in the driveway because he knows I can't stand it.
But any slights or percieved injustices...I would confront them..but not really feel the anger.
Almost as if I didn't deserve to be angry.
My husband didn't get me a card yesterday or anthing at all...
And it was the first time I was pissed all day.
I was pissed.
And I let him know.
That is a first.
Not letting it go.
I don't know if it was really the card..it was more the idea that I wasn't deemed worth the effort.
I realize that is reading a lot into it.
I also realize that for years I didn't make a big deal because maybe, (secretly) I didn't feel I was worth the effort.
Now, I think I am.
As is he...I washed his car for him.
So..there you go.
I am not Angry today.
We talked last night and settled it.
And I told him I expect a card on my birthday.
I will get h im a card on his birthday.
I think it is neccessary as your marriage goes along to keep each other front and center.
With kids it can start to slip.
You can take each other for granted, and when the kids leave,
your relationship will be old and dusty.
It's not something I want to happen.
Hope all is well with you guys.
like I said that third question will be out tonight.


RIP Whitney Houston...

I edited this post....my friend Deb had a very good point...Knowing God is the most important thing...
My point is..God gave us a life for a reason..
Her talent was immense...given by God.
I remember this song very well...It was beautiful.
The very idea of it was inspiring..to live each day as if it were your last, to push yourself and to dream big and grab the opportunity when it presents itself. To be who you were born to be, that is living.
I don't want to waste my life...to waste my potential when I have the ABILITY TO GRAB WHAT I WANT.
It's within my power to do what I set out to do..
I have abilities that I do not use...
we don't have forever..
life is not an endless resource.
One day we will reach our end...and I do not want to look back and see whole stretches barren because I simply didn't try.
God bless her family...
I hope they can recover from this.


day 16- Where the power lies.....

It resides within you...
I learned a very powerful lesson over the last few years..
and more than I want to see people lose weight..
I want to see people grasp this concept.

When I was Fat, I felt helpless.
I felt like outer circumstances dictated every action in my life.
I couldn't see a way around half the crap that was there.
Now you can't talk your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into..
so there is going to be a price to pay for past mistakes..
But once that price is paid you are free to choose a new course.

So How do you shake free from a mistake..or several mistakes.
1.) own it.
That means you stop pointing fingers and realize that you decided yourself into the situation.
For instance...You are in a bad marriage...how bad is anyone's guess..I have seen my fair share of these...
let's go all the way with this illustration.
Let's say there is severe physical and mental abuse...day to day is hell.
Maybe he has threatened to kill you should you leave.
(I think we have all seen these on the news)....
so own it...You chose to marry the guy..now what.
so after you own it..whether it's a bad marriage...a toxic relationship with family or friends..or your fat that is hurting your health..and you accept responsiibility..
You see, these problems are all the same problem..

At some point you have accepted that this is what you deserve...and are allowing it to continue.

This can be the hardest thing to accept...accepting that we got ourselves into the mess to start with..
We will tell ourselves that we were just trying to help...or to save...or to put others first.
In my case, I didn't want to look at me...so I took care of everyone else..It was less painful.
Less painful in the short run that is...
Much more painful in the long run.
Owning it frees you to accept that if you had the ability to choose what has happened..
Then you have the ability NOW to choose something different.

You move the control from outside of yourself, to inside of yourself.

Step 2: After owning it? Move to change it.

If you are married to the worst of the worst...
You are going to have to accept that you are in a very dangerous position...
accept that to leave means danger..
and protect yourself accordingly..both you and your child/children.
And I don't mean with a piece of paper...
that will help in any sort of child custody dispute
But truly psychotic people have no interest in your piece of paper.
Take self defense classes...contact authorities...arm yourself, and leave.
My mom left her emotionally and physically abusive husband...he took a shot at her.
Luckily that is all he did.
Or I wouldn't be typing this now...

Leave and don't let him/her know where you are or where you are going...
file for an order of protection...
And get ready to be vigilant.

If you are fat...
go through your cupboards and get rid of your binge foods....set a steel wall in your mind..
This is no joke..this isn't optional.
cap your calories and exercise.
And deal with any emotional baggage that is undercutting your efforts.

If you have toxic friends and family...say
"NO MORE! I will not listen to you denigrate me!"
..they can do what they want..but you don't have to listen.
If you are living with soul suckers..take steps to either put your foot down or stop it altogether by leaving.
Be persistant..they don't quit the first time you say quit. 
Have consequences...
Is your mother the queen of backhanded compliments?
i.e.  You have such a pretty face, no one should notice your thighs....
call her out...
Is your group of friends making snide comments about your weight loss? Rolling their eyes...snorting, indicating that you are a self centered person because you want to change your life...limit contact.
It isn't about you most of the time..usually it's a case of deep seeded insecurity on the part of others.
But, whatever their issues may be..they aren't your issues.
You can't fix them.
If your spouse buys food and brings it in the house..that is their perogative..
YOu don't eat it..
IF they say "I want to exercise with you.." but then the time comes and they delay..
leave without them.
It's called sabatogue for a reason.
People don't like change...it's in their nature.

3.) Don't quit...
Change is like a locomotive.
It takes a lot of energy to get moving...once it's rolling it's nearly unstoppable.
The problem is..you are trying to get that train rolling from a dead stop...with baggage on board..and maybe toxic people attempting to derail you at every turn..
Ditch the baggege..
lose the toxic people..
and begin.
And don't quit.
Because you are worth it.
You only have one life..and the only one with the power to change it is YOU.
Chris out.


Weigh In numbers!

I don't have everyones weights yet!
I don't care if you gained..I'm not your mama...so get those weights in! lol.
Just think of this as another day to try again..
now for the people who sent their weights in..
participant       weight lost/gained          percent of weight lost

Ken                     -14.6                              4.62 percent of total
E. Jane..              -3.4 lbs                          1.5 percent of total
Val. N...              -2.5 lbs                          1.03 percent of total
Julie H....             -6.4 lbs                         2.37 percent of total
Tammy O.           -9.4 lbs                         3.73 percent of total
Lee..--                   7.6 lbs                         2.6   percent of total
Jen B...                -3.7 lbs                          2.1  percent of total
Alyce..                .-9.7 lbs                         5.0   percent of total
Sandra S...           -2.4 lbs                          1.13 percent of total
maya...                 -6.6 lbs                          3.72 percent of total
Shelaigh               -6.6 lbs                          2.78 percent of total
Barghavi              -0.8 lbs                          0.43 percent of total
Julie S.                 -2.4 lbs                          1.22 percent of total
April lessof          -2.4lbs                           0.83 percent of total
Jo at a wkl            +2.4 lbs                         
Kathy M.              +0.2 lbs
Kiran D.               +2.2 lbs
Christina Hinks     +.8 lbs
Cheryl C.                0.7lbs                         0.33 percent of total
Me...                     -2.5 lbs                          1.53 percent of total

As soon as I get the rest I can post them..
clear leader...alyce! Go Alyce!  lol..everyone did fantastic. 
Remember...focus day by day...this weigh in is done and over...Tomorrow is day one year zero..
make it count.
Remember to keep working on your inner tape..
Quick reminder...don't down yourself..
You have now seen for yourself that you don't have to starve to lose weight..
IT's doable.
now comes the voice asking why you didn't do it sooner..
don't worry about the why..
Now is the time.
Shake it off and move forward..
next weigh in is    february 22nd.
Stay focused and keep up the good work..
Big hugs,
Chris out.


D13-CHALLENGERS weigh in tomorrow

You don't need to send a pic,b ut you can if you want...the only other pic I will require will be at the end....You can simply send your current weight....I will post the loss only...not your current weight. I hope your weigh ins go very well! Rooting for you guys...
See you tomorrow...


The things you want to say...

You just can't say...
Kate turned 18 today.
I let her skip school...and we hung out at the mall.
And I wanted to say so many things to her....but all I could think of to say was:
I'm glad I had you..
And she said..
I am glad it was you that had me.
She is leaving soon...going to college in august.
I held her 18 years ago today and looked down into her little face...
and realized that I didn't know a damn thing about how to be a parent.
I just knew what I wanted for her..
and set out from there to try and make all those things happen.
I wanted her to see the world, or as much of it as I could squeeze in..
I wanted her to have a happy childhood..
to fly kites.
to swim and make friends.
To explore and believe anything was possible..
and when the time came to move on, I wanted her to face it with no fear.
She has been to europe, and canada and 38 states...
She knows what she wants to be...a doctor of zoology.
She has no fear...
She knows how much she is loved.
I feel like I did what I set out to do..
and that feels good...
and a little sad...
I was making her cake last night..
And I realized it was the last cake I would make while she lived at home.
And most of me wishes that each cake I made throughout the years had the same level finality as this one.
Because each year, once gone..is gone forever.
It becomes a memory.
I am glad that early on I decided to remind myself daily that each moment was a gift..
EAch time I held my children...
Each time I read her a story.
Or talked with her.
That would be a unique time..
Something that will not be repeated.
Raising Kate has given me a second childhood.
It has healed many things in me...
It has shown me what unconditional love looks like...
and feels like.
You can't say all that..and even if you could say all that..
You could never make them understand what it feels like.
God's greatest gift is a child.
I hope someday kate recieves the same gift...
lol...not for a while though.


Question 2...who defines me.

I define me.
I used to allow others to define me...
In fact, I didn't see that there was another way at all...
I thought that was how you went through life.
That other people defined you, and you reacted to that definition.
I was a mother, because I have two children..
and I had an idea..put there by many other people..popular culture..books.
About what a 'good mother' looks like.
A 'good mother' always puts her children first.
Now..I still believe that...but there are many ways to put your children first.
I was a wife.
I would think..
A good wife is a rock, she never complains...
my fault was not what I thought...they were good thoughts..
It was the application that was lacking.
I would put my children first by never taking any time for myself.
I would think..."taking time for myself is just selfish'.
I don't have the time to take for myself.
Now, I had time for television...I had time to talk on the phone. I had time to read.
I would volunteer to help in extracurricular activites..
But I didn't have time for my health?
What my children ended up with, was a mother that was always present..
but barely moved.
I used to think that being a good wife meant never complaining.
Never saying no.
Never putting my foot down.
What that earned me was a husband who took my work and presence for granted.
You don't notice a rug you wipe your feet on, do you?
I always wanted to be the nice compliant friend, the sounding board...
I never had anyone to talk to..
Because I never talked to anyone.
You may not believe this..but you are either defining yourself..or you are allowing yourself to be defined.
You teach people what to expect and how to treat you.
At any moment..you can make a new choice.
Always the go to girl?
ever think of saying no?
You know, I don't have the time right now.
Ever say to your 15 year old..."Sorry I can't drive you to the mall...hang out for two hours and then drive you back home because I have to go to the gym...maybe sunday..on my rest day.
Or, sorry..can't make 5 dozen cookies for the carnival...to do that, I would have to put me on the back burner..and my health cannot afford that.
Your kids need you..some people need to hear the word no...and you have the right to want more.
If you can't tell people what you want..you have lost yourself.
If you can't make yourself a priority...
You will have a very hard time taking the weight off and keeping it off.
Because the first time someone says no to you..says you owe them..says you should be focusing there and not on you...you will believe it.
Good people who don't have boundaries are invariably surrounded by people used to the situation.
Somewhere along the way,  you told yourself you were worth LESS than the people around you.
That your needs are not as important and not as special.
When you begin to reach for something..the people around you will become uncomfortable.
They will want stasis.
If  you can't say no...you will slide back.
You have to say no repeatedly...You have to exhibit determination..REPEATEDLY.
Don't allow anyone to talk down to you...youdon't deserve it.
Don't allow anyone to treat you as if you aren't worth the effort.
Don't ever allow someone to lay a hand on you.
Don't allow yourself to be a doormat.
I made me a priority. 
I said no.
I began to reach for what I wanted...and in the process I learned to encourage my kids to do the same.
Yes, I still drive them..I still work hard to give them advantages.
But they have learned that they don't have to put themselves last...that what they want is important and by doing that, they learn that other people's opinions and dreams and wants are important as well.
Not just theirs.
I think women are very susceptible to this particular malady...especially Christian women.
fill yourself so you can fill others...
Be yourself, so you don't have to pull out the person you need for a particular situation..but can just be authentic.
And allow the people who don't like the real you to fall by the wayside.
Better to be rejected for who you are than accepted for who you are not.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Next question sent...

Hey guys..just sent you your question and I will blog my answer to those questions tonight.
Have a great day.


D9: 86,400

What if You Won $86,400 Every Day for Life?

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use.
However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be:
Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it.
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,
Its over, the game is over!
It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?
Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?

Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?


Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem to see it.

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost. Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time.... without warning.

So, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Right now I am reconfiguring my days to maximize my enjoyment...
Have a great night guys!
Chris out

D8-A Day to celebrate my oldest daughter...

My daughter turns 18 on Monday...February 6th. We decided to go out to dinner tonight.  I did well with my calories...I put half my plate away in a doggie bag and split a dessert with my husband...he got the bigger half...
But what is more important is that my oldest daughter is turning 18.
I am so proud of her.
It goes fast..enjoy your children while they are here.
I will post more tomorrow.
I have been trying to keep up with everyone..
Hope it is going well..
will be posting another question in two days.
This one will be a doozy.
Have a great night.
Chris out.