5.29.2012

Hiatus

I'm taking one...I have decided to really make the next two months about my family and getting my life in order...I may post..I may not. But my next two months are going to be very busy..I am trying to shift my sleeping patterns...develope a 10 year life plan and get my oldest a license..my youngest swim lessons and to fix up my house. I want to be very very busy living. I may do some picture posts. I will be back. I will still be exercising etc. Hope everyone has a great summer. Chris out.

5.18.2012

3 years...one new life

Hello all...Today is three years since I began to weigh myself...my real three year anniversary is actually May 4th. I found a journal I wrote my first month on my diet. It was amazing and enlightening.  I ate around 1700 to 1800 the first month or two...my focus was really on counting the calories and exercising daily....

my favorite blurb....Was the day I wrote..."Two mile walk no longer difficult enough, will either have to make it longer or up the intensity."
This was two weeks after I wrote "walked 2.6 miles today...it was difficult but I did it."

Today I would think a 2.6 mile walk was incidental to daily activity.

I walked three miles yesterday and considered it fluffing off.

I wrote about how I felt..
I wrote about asserting myself in different situations where previously I wouldn't have...

It was very motivating.

It seems so long ago.
I am a different person.

I was working out today with a good friend..
She knew me back when I was obese.
She said "You are a totally different person, you never used to talk..you used to stay to yourself."

I did.

I get out there much more now.
I am really living.
I used to just hide inside my house..watch tv and eat.
Now I go to the gym....have friends and hobbies...activities...
While I might be afraid to try new things...I do it anyways.
I do know that at the top of each page I wrote...

One day Closer.

One day closer....and today I am here...
Do I want to lose more weight?
Yes...
Will it change me as a person the same way that 110 pounds has?
No...
This weight is incidental...it's cosmetic.
That weight was life changing.
It was more than a physical weight..
It was a wall and a blanket.
It was a comfort and a chain....
but it was a false comfort.
I let it go and now am so happy.
Letting go of the weight involved more than physical weight.
It was emotional weight that was weighing me down as well.
And I have truly let that go too.
Begin, go on and don't quit till you get to your destination.
Three years from now...where will you be..
You really do decide.
Hugs.
Chris

5.12.2012

Eliminating self hate

My post yesterday dealt with a flaw I have. 
Not doing well with new things.
I would like to talk today about labels given to us by broken people.
Usually they are projections of a person's own self hatred.
I had many labels given to me by people who had been damaged by life.
As a child..I could not see that these people were damaged.
So I internalized their labels as truth.
When they were, in fact, lies.
One label that was attached to me was the label "Dummy'.
I never tried very hard in school.
But as I grew older, I realized..
I am no dummy.
I was also labeled as 'clumsy'.
I may have had clumsy times...but most of my errors were a result of fear.
I spilled things because I was scared and nervous, not because I was clumsy.
I was called prissy.
Because I liked to dress up.
Now to some people...that might be 'prissy'..
These days I like to think of it as 'having style'.

Maybe that's simply a relabeling.
I like to think of it as simply a different perspective.
We need to stop accepting someone's view of us as some sort of ultimate truth...
They are humans.
They are not infallible.
They could have had the best intentions..
But if they left a trail of self  hatred inside of you..
Then I would not hesitate to say..
That estimation of you and your person is a lie.
And you need to discover the beautiful you inside.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Or inherently stupid, or clumsy, or disorganized.
You have all sorts of things to give.
You have a talent.
You have an ability...that no one else can use in quite the same way.
And any labels or definitions that stop you, or scare you away from trying.
They are labels that need to be dumped.
We all have flaws...
No one is perfect..
But only you can be you...flaws and all..
And both you and I are a gift to this world.
God's gift, as it were...
And self hate and playing small is telling God he made a mistake..
When he did no such thing.
I intend to find my flaws and my gifts and improve myself and celebrate me..
and be the best me I can be..
Hugs,
Chris

5.11.2012

Finding my real flaws....

I know one...I know one!!!
lol.
I discovered it after nearly two nights of no sleep...and that was with sleeping pills.
I.DON'T.LIKE.CHANGE.

It makes me very very nervous.
anxious.
eye tick anxious.
What change has brought about this lack of sleep and nervous tick?
I changed my house insurance to another company.
A gal who read a few of my posts made a very good point about my childhood, uncertainty and the feeling that the other shoe will drop.
In my world..there was no good surprise.
period.
Therefore..whatever I do now...If something is 'working' in  the relative sense..
I don't like to change it up.
Even if it will save me 100 dollars a month (which this will).
For instance..
gym times.
I go at a certain time..
any other time feels funny..
now I created new habits..
But I had to do it for a month or two before it felt okay.
Each new thing had anxiety attached...
loads of anxiety.
The really illuminating moment was today.
Our post got a brand new commissary.
It's nice..it is huge..brand new.
Most people would be happy..
I had an eye tick.
Nothing was in the right place.
It's the same reason I like everything to have a place...It feels good knowing where things are.
For a long time, my clutter was my comfort..
because as long as I was dealing with my clutter...I didn't have to think about anything else..
My health, or my hobbies..or getting a life.
Now I want to get a life, so I need everything in it's place.
Changing my house insurance was very weird and stressful.
I changed my car insurance as well to save money.
To most people..these are not  big things.
But to me..I don't like to rock the boat.
lol.
There has been a ton of change for me the last few weeks..
I may need to step back and let some of this change settle in.
Let it become my new normal.
lol....
It took me two years to really commit to a church.
It took me 12 years after I married to change my last name.
I wanted to make sure it worked out.
If things are going too well..I expect a bad boomerang.
I need to work on my thinking...
To try and expect the best.
I worked out today..but hit at 1900 calories total.
Tomorrow I will do better.
I hope everyone had a great day.
Every day is a new day to push forward.
I just keep trying.
Chris out.

5.09.2012

Thin doesn't make you happy

And Fat doesn't make you miserable.
Who you are inside is many times reflected on the outside.
Not always..
but alot.
The exterior is often a symptom of an interior issue.
Fix that issue...(Or in my case ISSUES) and it is in the natural order of things for the physical to follow. 
I was thinking about this today..
And I realized that I am happy....
Truly happy for the first time in a long time.
Happy irrespective of my body weight.
In fact, the last time I went to the doctor I weighed backwards.
Because for the first time ever...the number didn't matter.
I didn't want it to matter.
I wanted ME to matter.
I am not a  number.
I am still in the same clothes.
I am still eating mindfully...counting calories.
I am exercising 6 days a week..
When I reach the pant size I want..I will weigh..
I will post some pictures along the way so you don't all get the idea that I am on some twinkie blowout binge. lol.
But I realized the number is just a marker.
It's not everything.
It doesn't define me.
I want to be healthy and strong.
Today I capped my calories at 1700 and did my whole body workout with my friend.
I walked a half mile afterward.
It's the way I started in the beginning..
Just exercising daily...and keeping my calories under 1800.
The difference...
I am no longer confused.
Or afraid.
Or unhappy.
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
I have an idea of who I want to be..
I just  have to make it happen.
So I just keep doing what I have been doing.
My house is nearly clean...The only places left in my home that aren''t completely organized are my children's rooms...
and right now I am working with my youngest...it's a process of letting go of things and finding a permanent place for what is left.
I think my disorganized home was a product of a disorganized mind...as my mind settled into place.
As I figured out what I truly believe, and how I wanted to live...
my house begins to reflect my mind.
Just like my body reflects my mind and emotions.
Every day is a day to move forward and leave what is past behind.
The feeling of letting go gets stronger every day.
Today as I was working out I used positive words to motivate myself...
Instead of "don't quit"..I thought...you are strong and you can do it...
Instead of worrying about what I didn't get when I was a child, I choose to focus on what I have made of my life..I no longer come from a place of lack..
My God supplies all my needs..I have a family, friends and a church home.
Instead of moving away, I have begun to move towards.
I am done with fear.
Like my husband said today...
our children's childhoods have been nearly ideal....
living in one place, an intact, happy set of parents...a house, a nice little neighborhood..
friends...a middle class upbringing..
It's worlds away from what we experienced.
We have made a good life.

Next up...achieving MY ideal body.
Not anyone elses....and I will know it when I see it.
The number won't make me happy...
feeling fit will...achieving my goals will...being a person I would have admired when I was a child..Figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life is up to bat as well..
As I move forward, I have a feeling God will  begin placing things in my path....

That will be priceless.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

5.07.2012

my minimum acceptable standards and workout buddies...

well, I wrote yesterday about the fact that I wanted to be more involved...that I wanted to start participating..
being proactive,
 and interdependent.
Well, apparently when you care what people think of you..
When you are trying to make friends..
you get nervous.
You wonder if people like you.
If you are being annoying OR what image you are projecting..lol.
You would think this was normal..
in a teenager.
However, I am not your normal person...so this is new for me.
It's easier to avoid trying new things.
Than it is to try and fail.
It's easier to sit on the sidelines.
Then to get rejected.
I am ready to try, and (hopefully not) fail.
I have a workout buddy.
We work out three days a week together.
(The other three days I do cardio alone.)
That means it's not just me I'm letting down if I choose not to do my workout.
I am letting her down.
It's extra responsibility.
Extra accountability.
It also means that I have to think about what I say because she is a new friend...
I spent years with no filter.
I didn't care what anyone thought.
I was 'done' with that.
Now, I want to learn how to operate on a level where I am meeting people who have all sorts of different backgrounds..
If I want to teach, I am going to have to learn how to communicate.
I am going to have to learn how to have a public persona...how to express what I want to say, so that the message isn't obscured by delivery.
I am back on track mentally.
I feel like I am continuing on...and leaving that burden of hate behind me on the highway.
I am not confident yet.
But this new way of viewing the past, the present and the future will be better in the long run.
\It isn't as if some burden has been lifted off suddenly...it's just that each time those memories make an appearance..I choose to look at the matter in a new way.
I could look back and be disappointed that I didn't see this all sooner.
Or I could be grateful that I have finally gotten 'it'...
In the midst of this process...I have realized that my minimum standard of behavior was going to keep me stuck at a level of life that I didn't want.
I was happy if I got my house livable...I was happy if I could simply maintain my weight...get my workout in...
Now I realize instead of looking at those two things as achievements...
That those should be baseline.
They are my minimum standards for acceptable living.
something that is automatic....
My life needs to START there..not end there.
Great...I am healthy
Great...I am organized...
NOW WHAT!

That is up to me!
I get to choose!
Just because I started later than most people, doesn't mean I am disqualified from dreams and aspirations!
I am still coming up with my list..
I will put them on here as I go along.
I did my full body workout today with my friend Brooke.
I kept my calories under 1800....
I am thinking my minimum acceptable standard for calorie intake should be 1500 to 1600 until I hit goal weight.
But I need to think about that before I commit to it.
I don't want to speak rashly anymore.
I want to think things through.
I hope everyone had a great day.
I did.
Have a great night.
Chris out.

5.06.2012

coalescence

To come together to form one whole...

There has always been two sides of me..
There was a side that wanted to serve God..
And the side that feared that God wasn't enough...
The side that wanted to serve God, to live my life for God...
conflicted with the me that wanted vengeance...

or as paula said the other day... Wanted an apology with a list of percieved wrongs laid out one by one. And restitution paid..and made.
When in reality. No restitution was possible.
So I would go back and forth, back and forth.
When you go back and forth you aren't moving forward.
When you go back and forth you aren't committed....
You are double minded.
I had to be willing to let it all go.

all of it.

Every last piece of anger.
I am not a liar.. I could not write it if I didn't truly mean it.
I had to reach a place inside that I could say with integrity...I forgive him.
I think sometimes that I had the idea that the anger made me strong.
But it really made me weak.
Losing your temper.. Being so angry you are unable to control what you say and how you act.. Isn't strength.
It's weakness.
Being the one to forgive.
The one to live with peace in your heart.. The person to live with prudence and self restraint.. The person to extends mercy and does not demand retribution..
That is the stronger person.
Because it is MUCH HARDER.
Being a Christian isn't a crutch.
It's a cross.
And we can't do it alone.
We need each other.
We need forgiveness and we need to extend forgiveness.
We need friends and we need to be a friend.
Being interdependent is the highest level of human achievement.
Doing it alone is easier.
Being alone is easier.
Being accountable, being responsible...and being involved... living your life for God's purpose... is harder..and in the end much more rewarding.
I choose that.
I choose God.
I choose forgiveness with no backward looks or glances.
The past was my road to where I am now.
I will not regret it...I will thank God for it.
It taught me what people are capable of apart of God's grace.
Because If I had not had God...I would be Duane.
Because I would have no idea what unconditional love looks like.
I would have no guide to what kind of response Was expected of me...
I would have no idea that I was invaluable.
I would have been as lost as he still is... And that shouldn't make me angry.
It no longer does.
It makes me sad.
The reason God rejoices in the return of the prodigal is because for ever lamb that falls away and comes back.. it's one life restored...and that life is invaluable not only in and of itself.. but because of every life that life touches..for good or ill.
By forgiving...I win..not just for me.. but for my family and friends and for anyone who reads this and understands and takes the message and runs with it.
To be a light in the dark.
To stand for something...for God.
So I am done having a fit about the unfairness of life.
It's time to make the best of what time I have left, however long God grants me.
It is time for me To be accountable..to take care of my health and my family... and that is the minimum.. I will write more about my minimums...
I am setting my sights much higher.
Have a great night guys!
Chris out.

5.05.2012

5.01.2012

I desire mercy

Not sacrifice...
Jesus said "Go find out what this means"....

Now for me as a Christian...when Jesus says "Go do this.."
It seems like it is pretty important.
Ever since I read that a while back I have been trying to figure out exactly what he meant..
I am still doing my word study on 'light'...
There are a lot of references to light...the light within us...the light of mercy..
interestingly...whenever the judgement of God is mentioned...it is referred to as either fire or clouds...something that blocks the light.... Have more work to do to fully understand that..
But!
I think I may have gotten a big  hunk of it out of Isaiah 58...
It talks about the difference between mercy and sacrifice..
Sometimes we do things for "God" thinking that is what God wants..
Like laying down our talent to focus on family...
or fasting to 'punish the flesh...like in the passage below...
Isaiah 58:5
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the Lord?
It talks about fasting as a form of self justification...a way to feel superior..
It really has nothing to do with God even though we do it in God's NAME.

God would prefer we did this:
6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 
(He would rather you show mercy or love, rather than to focus on what you are sacrificing for God.)
 
Then if you do these things....the following will happen...now this is not WHY you should do it...but is a side benefit of being a true servant of God...and not a servant to your own self righteousness. 

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
 
I thought this last bit was VERY interesting....because I have felt drained...
forgiveness was a command.
I should forgive...and forget
because it is what God commanded...
when in reality that is NOT what God commands...
He commands me to love
The why is the most important thing.
If I forgive as an act of sacrifice to prove my rightness before God...it drains me.
If I forgive to shine the light of God...then I am refilling myself.
You see...one is a sacrifice..a taking..
and one is a filling and an overflow of a never ending source.
One is from me...a finite being..
the other from God...author of life.
I have viewed everything from my limited perspective and concept of justice..
When I can never comprehend the entire picture.
I am commanded to love..
and love never takes...it only gives.
The love is not what we humans view as human love..
it is agape love...
Thomas Jay Oord has defined agape as "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being."[3]
The love God has for his  creation...he doesn't want to see a single light burn out..because if one light goes out..or is diverted or thwarted because of sin (In my case. the sin of wrath in response to the same sin of wrath..)...then not only is that one less person (me) to be God's hands on earth...
it stops the infinite spark that I have within that is the seat of the holy spirit.
And God's intention for me...to be a light to others
is inhibited.
When I don't forgive..or forgive from my limited abilities...
I am blocking God.
I become a weakened vessel...a weakened light.
When that happens, the purpose for which God created  me becomes thwarted.
That is not acceptable...
I have needed to Go back to God's word and try to understand why I have felt so  broken...
It is because I am broken.
I am incomplete...as humans we will never be whole apart from God.
I have to let go of my own ideas of justice and trust in God..
and I have to let the love God has for Duane guide me..
not my limited perspective.
I have to lay down my anger, hate, wrath and sense of injustice..
And pick up God's 'yoke'.
It's a lot lighter than the one I've been carrying.
While I might wish to see a temporal justice..
Eternal justice is much deeper.
And that is for God to decide..It is for me to open myself and to not be afraid...
I am digging my way back.
Thank you for your patience with this process.
hugs,
Chris