micro (small) resolutions

heydy hey people...
been working a lot
don't have much time.
ever get the feeling you have bitten off more than you can chew...

an example of this might look like:

I am going to eat 1200 calories
work out six days a week.
and go to church three times a week..

when up till that point..
you were eating whatever you could pile drive into your pie hole..
your work out consisted of flapping your gums.
and God was a mild profanity used in a slow check out lane at the supermarket.

I heard tell of this thing called micro resolutions.
Instead of going bat out of hell insane and death spiraling..
the idea is to give yourself one thing to do that is easy...
SO EASY, you would feel like a loser if you didn't complete it...
one specific idea was to make a resolution to exercise for a minimum of four minutes in a row per day.

And before you know it you are jogging to the beach to have a naked swim with the dolphins and dropping forty pounds.

So pick something...like...I am no longer drinking soda...do it till it gets done..
and then pick another something.
something like- I am going to exercise for four minutes a day no matter what.
and you keep doing it till your whole life changes...
or you die.
one of those.
I pick...hmmmmmm....from here on out...instead of eating a candy bar on my break at work..I eat a piece of fruit..
apple...or banana.
That's it.
I already exercise 6 days a week.
so I got that going for me.
Tell me what your micro resolution is..
or what you think it should be..
in the comments below.
Chris out.

stuck in silence...

Being whole is great and scary.
Just saw this song..and love it.
I love music.
Good music..
will be back tomorrow with a 'real post'.



fat is the symptom-love is the cure

I would say the majority of morbidly obese people are that way because they are dealing with serious shit.
And instead of drinking, or doing drugs...they eat.

Why would I eat instead of deal with my life?

It was easier.

there...I said it.
not in the long run of course..

But in the short run....you bet your ass.

For me, food did indeed taste better than thin felt.
I am one of those unfortunate (or fortunate) women who does not give a shit if a man thinks my ass is wide.
Don't like it, lump it.

Well, that just left ME to care.
and I didn't.
Not for the longest time.
I cared about getting through each day.
Because I was miserable without knowing I was miserable.
YOu may think that is an impossibility..
But all my life,  my mentality was "Life is tough....no one wants to hear you bitch...so suck it up."
So I did.
I learned to effectively mask all my feelings by eating them.
It started around the age of twelve and continued til about five years ago.
Until I stopped eating them....
I thought I was a very even keeled person.
Water off a duck's back and all that.
When I stopped eating..
I started noticing things.
Things like how my husband talked to me.
(keep in mind my husband is a sober alcoholic...and how he talked to me is undoubtedly how he talks to himself in his own mind.)
How I spoke to myself in my own mind.
How others looked at and treated me because of my size.

The day I looked up and really saw myself at build a bear...
it was like waking up from a coma.
That awakening was not magic..
It was a long process.
A process which began at a karate class.
I know...it's labyrinthine...this story of mine.
But I am an examiner by nature..
I need the whys and hows....it is how I am made.
but back to awakening.
I had thought, up to that point...til the age of 35...that I was merely philosophical about my childhood...
And when I stopped eating..
and stopped masking..
I felt this weird pressure in my chest that kept growing and growing.
and growing.
And It was rage

up till that point..
I had lived with a low level depression that I masked with apathy and eating.
and Not Thinking About It.

Once I confronted the state my body was in...270 pounds on a 5'3 frame...and the state my mind was in....and I would lay awake at night reliving parts of my childhood while trying to sleep...
...the rage would grow...
And I threw myself into weight loss.
I used the rage to my advantage...
And it really propelled me down the scale.

Then, at around 156 pounds (a weight I maintained through high school, something to think about later I suppose)
I hit a new emotion.
I was also molested by my stepfather's father.
he touched me inappropriately.
And I never told anyone until I was 19.
He called me his 'petite princess" and  would try and tickle me and put me on his lap..
and then one night...he laid down next to me and touched me.
and I rolled over and he left.
And I never went near him again.
But it colored the way I saw my body.
I felt dirty.
Every man I had met until I was 15 had been abusive, or perverted.
I hated men.
except my brother.
which was my saving grace..
In the time since...I have met men who aren't abusive.
Who are very good men...
My mom's fourth husband is a good man.
preachers and so fourth..
and my husband...while struggling with his own issues..is at his core, a good man..
so back to the fear.
The readers who have been here a while remember my fainting goat post.
A man tried to flirt with me at the mall..
and I was so afraid, I had to sit down before I fell out.
I was afraid to be 'petite'....or vulnerable.
There are a lot of reasons why I chose food.
It's easy,
IT's available.
IT doesn't judge.
It is legal.
and it worked.
But it kept me from feeling...and that is no way to go through life.
IT kept me from confronting the people who needed to be confronted, facing the issues in my mind that needed to be faced...It kept me dead inside.
Waking up from that was like the feeling your hand gets when you lie on it all night, and you have cut off your blood supply.
It is painful.
It can feel easier to revert.
or bury it in shit..
or spray some garden fresh spray.
or whatever euphemism makes it easier to live a lie than face a hard truth.

who wants to live a lie?
not me.

These last six months...the last of my fantasy land wishes were stripped away..
And everything I had hoped would be true about me if faced with bad circumstances..
I found to be true.
There is Nothing like a real trial by fire to show you who you are..
And If I hadn't been doing what I had been for the last 5 years..
I never would have been ready for the last six months.
And who knows...maybe six months ago never would have happened, If I hadn't become who I have become?
so it goes....
in any case:
I have become so solid in the knowledge of who I am..and what I am capable of...that I was able to find my feet in short order.
even as I have remained overweight...
I lay in bed one night a few months back, and accepted every pound on my body...not as some symbol of failure..
but as an acknowledgement that I am here...and the space I occupy and my body
is mine..
mine to cherish or abuse.
I own it...all of it.
And I love it and am grateful for it..
old, overweight, stretched out....one weak knee..
I am here.
I love my body...it has carried me through.
Now I want to show myself what I am capable of..
I want to feel energetic and full of possibility.
And that means keeping my body in good shape.
For me.
God willing, I have a full life to live..people to meet and enjoy..
a world to see.
So why would I allow my body to be hindered.
when there is so much to do?
I have eaten under 1800 this whole week...
and exercised every day..
next week I will up my exercise and take another 100 calories off the plate...
not because I am disgusted with myself..
But because I have a goal to reach and things to do.
Anger will propel you.
Love will free you.
Chris out.

The difference between setting a goal and avoiding a consequence

AVOIDING CONSEQUENCES is vague....you know what you don't want....where you don't want to go...But how do you arrive at your destination without knowing what you do want?

I don't want to go to Peoria..


Where do you want to go?

Some people go their whole lives trying to avoid negative consequences...
I have started calling it "living in the dontwants."

It is only recently that I realized that I had made most of my life decisions to avoid negative consequences, instead of creating a road map to the kind of life I would love and enjoy.

There is a HUGE difference.

Peoria is one place in a million...

Knowing you don't want to go THERE is limiting choices, not creating opportunities.

Finding out where you want to go takes knowing yourself..and knowing yourself means stripping away the toxic garbage piled on you by damaged people and learning what you enjoy, where your talents lie and what you admire...and what you want to achieve in life..

These were Questions I couldn't even contemplate at one time..
Hell, at one point...I didn't even know my favorite color..
I was so numbed out and walled off...I was just existing.
Now,  knowing what you don't want is fine...
all my life, I have known what I don't want.
Knowing what I do want....well, I had never even thought about it..
I went along with whatever didn't feel too terrible.
It was a part of my belief that 'this was as good as it gets."
Sometimes things even turned out nice.
The only thing I ever had a definite idea about in life was parenting.
I knew EXACTLY what kind of mom I wanted to be...
I wanted to be a mom who raised her children as independent beings.
People with their own minds, hearts and goals.
I wanted to fill them with the knowledge that there is indeed a God.
One who had planned them and wanted them to grow and use their talent to it's fullest potential.
I wanted them to feel confident...to be well educated and to have loads of options...
Imagine that...I had a plan...I implemented the plan with joy..
 They are confident, well educated people who have options..


and with all those options...
This last Sunday they chose God...they chose to confess him before man.
 As southern Baptist we believe when we confess him with our mouths before man, he will confess us before our father in heaven.

the best moment of my life.
It was a moment I had worked towards.

You see, in parenting, I didn't actively fail.
Because I had a vision of the type of people I wanted to produce.
I didn't go into that venture thinking..."I just don't want to produce a murderer".

Or as Chris Rock once famously said....'Just keep them off the pole"...

I had standards...high ones....
And the determination to see my standards and plans through..
IN anything....you have to know what you want your end product to look like...
For instance..
You don't go grocery shopping without knowing what you are looking for.
You don't start baking a cake without the proper ingredients.

Or if you do....you'll get something that is less than stellar.
Knowing that  you don't want black forest cake, will not help unless you decide WHAT YOU DO WANT...

When I got married...I knew I didn't want an abusive alcoholic who would beat me and control the money..
But I had no idea how to spot what a 'good man' looked like.
Considering my childhood, I didn't do as poorly as I could have.
I did have  a list...
A list of traits I didn't want...
explosive anger...
control issues.

I wanted;
hard worker

And he is all those things...
I also opted for
and a hands off attitude to every major decision that was made as a couple.

which worked when I was a very hypersensitive and unconfident person.
I thought it meant he trusted me..
when what it meant was an abdication of the responsibility to be my partner and take part in both the benefits and responsibilities of parenting and being a couple.
And as a result..
my marriage has been less than stellar...
over these last six months I have taken a good hard look at what kind of marriages I admire..
and now..
Having  come to know myself...
I know the traits that I admire and desire in a spouse..
and it is time to see if I married that person..
a good humor and ability to laugh at themselves and life.
a person who commits to their family and community.
These are traits that I value.
So it is time I made friends with my husband....and that we WORK on our marriage...together.

And that is on both of us.

I am now involving him in issues large and small...
He has begun taking the kids places...

I am speaking kindly and demanding to be spoken to kindly.
It is a beginning.

Tomorrow I will talk about fitness and eating.
This was another aspect of my life that I had allowed to be subpar.

Needless to say...if your goal is: "I just don't want to be fat."
that isn't a goal.
it is a consequence you want to avoid...
attached to it are all sorts of ideas you probably haven't sorted.
The main one being that it is the fat that is making your miserable
 when in reality...
it is the misery making you fat.....

But I will discuss that tomorrow.
I am very tired..
I have hit the gym five days running and have kept my calories under 1700 while working and running a ton of errands...so it is off to bed for me.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to start this blog...
It has helped me find my voice, and in turn..find myself.
Thank you so much.
with love,


Why i actively failed...

Okay...that is quite a title.
I went to college, but didn't finish...I had many reasons..
But mostly, looking back, I feared success...I didn't know who I would be as a career woman.

I had no model for that...I had a 3.98 gpa...in paralegal training...I aced constitutional law...
But I would talk to my mom on the phone using four letter words...and the word ain't...(which I personally find abhorrent, just ask my children.)

The year we bought our home, I had taken pictures...it was a home with a foundation....I grew up in a trailer..my mom now lives in a manufactured home...on a foundation.  I knew she had worked her whole life to achieve what she achieved..and I felt like I had walked into mine...I brought the pictures with me to Michigan, but left them in my car...two days into my visit, my mom asked me where they were...so I told her why I hadn't brought them in...she was flabbergasted...

When I was losing weight and succeeding,  I didn't want to look like a show off...I wanted my friends who were concerned about their weight to lose weight too...I didn't feel comfortable succeeding where others were not...

I was simultaneously excited by the positive attention, and afraid I couldn't handle it...It also began to highlight the faults in my relationship with my husband..

I have chosen mediocrity and stagnation...some success was good...but not enough to upend the boat, not enough to cause stress or anxiety...and certainly not enough for people to place their faith or trust in me.  I felt I was a sham...that any success I had was luck...deep down, I even had doubts about the weight loss...I always described it as some magical flip of a switch...when what it was, was me deciding I was too good of a person to be judged solely on the basis of weight...

And if my husband had not looked me dead in the eye and told me that he put the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my mouth...and had I not had the fleeting thought.."Who in the hell does he think he is talking to?"  I never would have had the impetus to go out and obtain employment...



In our culture...women are still expected to be accommodate others, to be nurturers...that is fine, as far as it goes...for children, the down trodden...the mentally incompetent..I spent my childhood feeling like I had to apologize for my existence, and half my adult life trying to prove to one person in particular that I was lovable...there is a meme on facebook..it says, if you are constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value...
Except I never knew my value...I have found my value...it is discoverable..you just have to look at your gifts and what you bring..and instead of diminishing them...or viewing them through the distorted lens of a broken and shrivelled mirror (the damaged people in your life) view them through the lens of love (God for me).

To move forward doesn't mean denying who you were, or belittling where you came from...it means that you took the pain and the reality, processed it and instead of allowing it to sublimate and stymie your future, you use it as the lesson it was intended to be....and it becomes another step in your ascension and growth towards all you were meant to become.

I failed because I believed that was all I was worth or could/should hope for.

Now I know better.
When you know better, you do better.
Chris out.


I like myself

The last five years has been quite a journey of self discovery...
So many things I thought were true, weren't.
What I thought I wanted in my marriage, I don't.
How i want to live out my remaining years is a much more adventurous proposition...

I had to tear down my chicken coop...
And when I got to the floor boards...
I realized they had been laid by another mind...
They had been laid by an abusive childhood...
By expectations of society.
In some cases, even religious interpretation.

I wandered around in the 140's wondering where my motivation to be skinny was...
Then I realized i don't care if I am skinny...I just want to be healthy.
Then there came the argument with my husband..
And the realization that while he may have married to acquire a mother and a maid..I had no interest in applying for that position...
Does the house need to be cleaned?
Is there some biological imperative that the person doing the cleaning sport a vagina?


Once I work full time...like my spouse, the house work will be divided up evenly.
I realized tonight that what I have wanted , and still want..is not a fatherly scold who occasionally gropes me..I want a friend to walk through life with..a person who sees me as a partner..not a glorified maid. This is not negotiable.

That being said..I have taken a good hard look at me.
My weight loss stagnation was a direct result of fear...sitting here, I realize the fear is gone.
I believe in me.
I believe I have great qualities to bring to any job and relationship...I have an open mind and know my weaknesses...I know what I want to work on...I have no fear of men...i deal with them daily...flirty men, rude men, homeless men...
Heck..I even had a man slide me a card offering sex.
I was able to calmly slide it under my register and continue to check his groceries, then calmly hand the card to my manager..and we all had a good chuckle.

I am whole...
I still remember the moment i no longer felt adrift outside my body..about a year into my weight loss journey...a feeling that I had had since I was small...it was not "me" at all, but a product of the trauma I experienced and carried and ate.
Even as I healed, there was a piece missing..deep down I wondered.."am I capable of supporting myself?"
Now I know I am.  Am I in the position I want to be money wise?
 But I have no doubt that with persistence, I will achieve my financial goals..I have started my own checking and savings...I am creating my own footprint in this world.
I have goals, dreams and aspirations.
My savings is for my first trip abroad...which will be Greece and Spain and Italy..it will take me a year or two, but I will get there..I am evaluating every activity?including self defense...and measuring the cost vs. the happiness and fulfillment it gives..
I feel whole within myself.
Comfortable in my skin..and steady.
I made time for exercise today..and will do so again tomorrow..
I hope all of you are doing well.

With love,