A Deliberate Life

D2- Destructive thought patterns...why I harp on them.

2012-01-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

Hey guys...Day 2 in the bag...well, it's not actually in the bag till your head hits your pillow...but my calories are sitting at 1100...(1460 was the total yesterday) and I am having fish and three cups of veggies with an egg on top for dinner..that will bring me in at 1470 calories today... I like to give myself room in case I missed or mismeasured. So anywhoozle...
Negative thought patterns..
I used to be the queen of them..
of course I didn't think I was being negative back then..I thought I was being 'realistic'.
I went back in time and what do you know...
I found some examples of my mindset from about a month into my journey.

Here are some of my self destructive thought patterns for the day. June 25th, 2009....
This was me explaining them and how I fought them.

1.) I will just take today off, and climb back on tomorrow. (we all know this one, it usually precedes a week long binge in which the 12.4 lbs you managed to whittle off your fat frame leaps back on at an amazing pace.)

2.) I don't want to walk today, it's too hot. (This one won until 8 o clock at night, it had cooled considerably and my little excuse was no longer true. Whatever else I am, I am a truth teller. I did only one mile. I am committing myself to two tommorrow, even if the sun tears my hide off....current weather prediction tommorrow...88 degrees, ugh)

3.) I will just try 'eating healthy'. I believe this little thought pattern is what bumped me off Atkins after about four months and 30 lbs. I was once down to 215. Eating healthy is usually and slowly replaced with "eating everything'. Just sayin'.

4.) Yesterdays walk-halfway through. My stinking thinking was in high gear. thoughts include "you idiot, how did you ever let yourself get so fat". Or, "Everybody who is driving by is probably thinking I look like a fat pig." and "Isn't it laughable really, the walking that turns me beat red is this teenagers normal pace'.

I actually had to say to myself; "Self, talking to yourself this way isn't going to do you any good whatsoever. Bad talk is what got you where you are, and at least you are doing something about it now. You are taking control of your future. This is all one day at a time."

And then I thought about all of that positive self talk, and what should pop into my head but Jack Sh*t's gettin fit blog....namely his June 17th "how to stop being a wally whiny britches blog.....and this little quote...."Try a daily affirmation, such as “Affirmations aren’t really as stupid and silly as I think they are.”

Then I laughed hard and stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I have said many many times that I understand the thought process people have..I know why they call themselves names..or why they feel bad..They feel like the let themselves down.

Well, talking that way is a sure way to defeat yourself before you even begin...

You have to stop that awful loop in your head..

The one telling you that you are ridiculous..That people think you look ridiculous..

The one telling you it's too late.

or it's too hard.

or your not strong enough..

or Jeez, after 50 pounds I am still fat!

lol..

That one will get to you too...if you have a lot of weight to lose..

especially women.

because you have been eating bean sprouts and lean protein for four months..and then some jagoff moos at you from his car.

And you think..

What's the point...

The point is...he will always be an idiot..

But someday, you won't be fat anymore.

in fact...that same guy might shout 'nice @ss." one day.

not that you want him to notice..

because you are too good for him anyways..

But still...

lol.

Start talking to yourself like you would talk to your very best friend in the world.

If you call yourself fat or stupid...say out loud.."stop it".

I did that yesterday..

after my car was wrecked.

I simply stopped myself from doing that.

It does no good.

It is harmful.

Make a new tape.

To replace the old one...

for every fat cow your mind utters...(oh, I wanted to write udders..lol...But I am being good)

say, I am doing this for me, and I am beautiful right now..and getting better all the time.

Don't just get rid of the tape..

make a new one.

I will talk a lot more about this.

That tape wasn't just made by you...but by many many people.

That is further down the road when we start identifying the lies we believe about ourselves and where we got the lies from..

But I hope you all had a great night.

I did..I got my whole body workout in..a one mile walk and 10 minutes on the arc trainer...awesome.

Chris out.

Why do I want to do this? And How sure am I of my success...

2012-01-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

I want to lose the rest of this weight because I have come too far not to finish..It would be like getting 10 foot from the finish line and stopping, sitting down and saying "Well, that's it...I've done enough."
I would never forget that I quit.
When I first started I did it because my body felt like a prison.
It hurt,
all the time.
I never left my house, I never participated in anything new..
I was living half a life.
I was existing.
Do I think I will succeed.
Yes.
I know I will succeed.
100 percent.
Because I know what the power of will can do.
I know what the power of God can do.
At any moment we can say "Now."
And do it.
I have done that.
Nothing succeeds like success..
so if you aren't sure...
Just know that in every moment you choose.
You choose to win.
Don't turn your mind off...or let your mind tell you that you can't.
Or that you aren't worth it.
If you SET your mind.
You can. You will.
Today could have thrown me off.
I had a car accident.
If you know anything about the last few months you will know it's been hard on the financial front.
I won't be getting it fixed anytime soon.
And after I got done getting the car towed...
I went to a meeting, then I went to the gym
I have only had 880 calories so I need to eat something.
The accident took forever and I ended up eating a granola bar for lunch (It was in my glove compartment) and then an orange later...
I will have to eat something to get me over 1200...
I never fall below.
But It didn't undercut me..
I am still going.
Have a great day..
remember...stay on track...keep that steel curtain UP.
Hugs,
Chris
ps. I was talking to insurance so I will have a list of contestants up tomorrow...

Quick challenge update..

2012-01-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

So far we have 17 challenge participants.
You have till midnight mountain time in America (I say this because I have a few participants from other parts of the world. lol) to get your pictures with weight in and all the rest.
I will be posting the My answer to the question tonight.
I had a few questions about the 1500 calorie cap.

1.) Yes, You can go lower if you want..I would not reccomend going below 1200..you will starve and binge...

2.)There are no dietary rules..I don't believe in imposing those on people..if you don't eat what you like I don't think it's a long term solution.
Have a great days guys and REMEMBER...Don't go over..that's number 1..success breeds success.

Chris out.

100 Day weight loss challenge starts Tomorrow...final instructions

2012-01-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hey all,
So far I have nine participants...I have six weight photos and one near weight photo, I have also been contacted by one more and will have hers in the moring...Hopefully I will be contacted here shortly by the last participant. I will do a quick list of participants tomorrow morning on this blog.
So, to be reallllly clear.
Three major components:
1500 calorie cap-
There are no rules regarding the calorie cap....just that it is a steel curtain zone.
Think of it like a bank account...you can go up to it, but not over.
Will someone go over at some point?
Most likely...but we should be doing everything within our power to NOT GO OVER.
This is key.
It's an ironclad decision..
And, it will also expose every excuse we make to ourselves about why we overeat.
Which is why I am doing this...lol.

number 2:
30 minutes of movement..could be walking...could be marching in place..
could be pilates all over the house. Could be the gym...
doesn't matter...just make it daily...you can do three 10 minute segments...or ten 3 minute segments.
six days a week.
I incorporate a day of rest as a matter of faith...
but six days a week will make it a habit sooner or later.

and finally,
self honesty- which is why I am asking questions for journaling..after I post this..I will be emailing the question.
Being honest with ourselves about why we are overweight and what we are using food for...that is key.
I have decided to tag on to each question a proactive mental exercise.
I know...I didn't say that..until I realized that the one thing I really needed to do when I started was change my thought patterns..
or as sean and I both call it..our interior tape.
The number 1 mental exercise is going to be getting rid of the negative tape.
I will be posting my answer to the question on my blog tomorrow..and if you all want to share..
You can. A quick reply will do here...just a quick reason. Or, a more indepth reason...
Share as much or as little as you wish, Just as long as you journal it yourself...and are completely honest with yourself as to why you want to lose the weight..
After that...the next ten days will be dedicated to catching your brain in the act of self sabotage.
What do you say to yourself when you fail.
Or even when you don't?
What do you call yourself?
What do you really believe about your chances of success...
I just want you to take note, write it down somewhere.

These first ten days, consistency is key.
success builds on success.
Days three and four are usually the hardest because the new has worn off..
also the people around you who are accustomed to you doing things a certain way will start to take notice...and you may get resistence.
It is VERY VERY VERY important to push through these first ten days as close to on program as you can make them...you will only see why in hindsight.
so set your mind to NO FAIL...LIFE AND DEATH...THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE...
and you will succeed.
If you want to share, we can share it here or on face book.
support is key.
Our next weigh in will be February 8th.
I am glad to be doing this with a great group of people.
See you tomorrow morning!
Chris out.

Challenge info

2012-01-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

Okay...So, for those who have decided to join the challenge..
I will need a starting weight photo..Just a shot of your feet and the number.
The email address is livedeliberately01@yahoo.com
That's the reason the email bounced back to you...I forgot to put in the 01.
lol.
Sorry, busy few days.
I will be emailing you guys the question tonight.
The calorie cap and exercise start tomorrow.
I think this will be fun.
Remember this is for you....
I will not be kicking people out of my challenge...
But we will be discussing over the next 100 days, the reasons why it's hard to keep your calories below a certain point...what we can do to craft lives that integrate more health etc.
It's a process of learning...
So I am looking forward to it.
have a great day guys.
talk to you tonight.
Chris out

100 Day Weight loss challenge....

2012-01-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have decided for my own sake to do a 100 day weight loss challenge..
this idea popped into my wee skull when I began mulling over a few things.
First was a comment left by a very insightful commenter..
Deb.
She said in a round about way a while ago that I was still holding onto the food.
That my splurge day was a way for me to not let go of my food addiction.
I don't think she said it quite that way..
but I am pretty sure that was the crux of it.
And it stung.
And when something stings, that's when you know it probably is TRUE.
I am a big believer in accepting the truth.
So I thought, what better way to kick it once and for all than to
NOT HAVE ONE..
Now who lost their weight by capping their calories and never looking back..
Sean.
Then I remembered my promise to promote his book...
and then I thought..
You know, if sean can do it...can go nearly 2 years with a calorie cap...2 YEARS.
Through birthdays..Christmases and Thanksgivings...etc.
I can do it for 100 days.
Then I thought of how I began and how important it was for me to make MOVING a daily part of my life.
So I began walking..and now exercise is an integral part of my life.
After 100 days, I would imagine it would be a habit for anyone.
Now to honor God I incorporate Sunday as a day of rest.
That's why six days, not seven.
If you want to do seven...there is nothing in this challenge to stop you.
These are just baselines.
learning to make exercise a daily part of life has held my weight down when I slipped on the food front.
And finally...
What I feel is the most important part of this whole challenge..
The whys...the why nots...and what is pushing us forward or holding us back.
I call it 'cleaning out the chicken coop'..
Identifying the parts of our lives that keep us from our full potential.
Or as I call it..
The sh*t that kept me fat.
So...If you want to lose weight like I did, like Sean did..
This is exactly what we did..
capped our calories.
moved
dealt with our crap.
I have two participants..Day 1 is WEDNESDAY.
I would like the participants to email me their weights with some sort of photographic proof by tomorrow..could be a cell phone shot...doesn't matter...just your feet and the number.
Thereafter we will weigh every two weeks.
Why every two weeks.
Because like Sean says in his book (and it's another thing I agree with as I like to weigh monthly)...
The body is a funny thing.
And it is easy to become discouraged.
This should pretty much eliminate any sort of bizarre fluctuations and it should keep us motivated.
On weigh day..you send the weight...
Now does this stop you from hopping on your scale ten times a day...No.
But there is something about not making it official that takes the pressure off.
I don't post the weight on my blog...I will post losses...or if there is no loss..a gain.
But not the number.
The point of this is to see progress.
I will weigh in as well, and post my pluses or minuses.
At the end we will take one more snapshot and identify the winner by percentage of body fat lost.
meaning..as a percentage of whole body mass. That way bigger folk don't have an advantage. lol.
You can thank the biggest loser for that one.
I can not win my own challenge.
The gift is for someone else.
My gift is sharing this last bit of my weight loss journey with whoever is in it with me...
And if you don't want to be a formal participant...that's okay..maybe you can do it on the sly.
I will be posting the first question to the participants via email on Tuesday night..and each successive question every ten days thereafter.
And will post it on my blog on Wednesday (Go day.)
Journaling (the blog) helped me more than I can imagine...I have no issues with letting it all hang out.
But I know alot of people do..
Which is why if you don't want to share a lot of personal stuff...you can simply journal it in a diary...
I do want the answer to why you want to lose weight though, it will be important later.
The other questions will make for good conversation on my facebook page if you feel inclined...
should anyone feel inclined..
But it's really just for the people to think about.
So.
Cap the calories at 1500.
move everyday for 30 minutes minus one rest day
Answer the question, at least to yourself...
And do it continually for the next 100 days...
sounds as easy and as hard as all that.
You can opt in below or in my email livedeliberately@yahoo.com
The facebook page is linked in the top right hand corner..
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Transformation Road Review and the 100 day challenge

2012-01-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,
Well in the last few days I have learned just how generous our blogging community is..
I was first contacted by a person who would rather remain anonymous.
This person gifted me with a hard copy of Transformation Road.
Then Sean Anderson Contacted me, and sent me an E copy of his book.
So, The hard copy will be a Gift to someone...but I will get to that in a later post.

First, my actual Review of Transformation Road.

An apt title.
It Charts Sean's Journey from 'husky' child to a morbidly obese adult.
Quite Frankly, I think Sean and I were on the same road.
We have a lot in common.
We both were raised by single mothers, both ridiculed in school.
We were both loathe to start a fight, or even finish one.
We both simply wanted peace.
He tells his story in a way that is compelling and easy to read.
I finished it under three hours.
I am a fast reader, but he made it easy.
It was, while hard to listen to, enjoyable.
Every one of us who has been morbidly obese, knows what it means to have our weight hinder our life...
Knows what it means to have our weight hold us back from being all we can be.
Watching the progression of events in Sean's life that led to an ironclad decision to shed the weight, I can tell you...
I know what it feels like to be fed up.
His initial reason began as an exterior source, but soon moved into an interior reason.
He knew he deserved better.
He knew he wanted a better life.
And he realized finally, that the locus of control resided within him.
His choices..
He chose to change before change chose him.
He chose to change his addictive relationship with food by accepting that his obesity was caused by him, and him alone.
It was caused by his battle with food, his addiction to it.
He realised that only he could make the choices that would lead him to a different path.
And he made peace with all of it.
Made peace with the fact that he could no longer use food as a drug to numb out his emotions.
Made peace with the fact that the way he used food was harming his body and his family.
He made the choice to get better and to use food as fuel.
The mental aspects of this book are a roadmap to victory and are worth the price in and of themselves.
I have never read what he wrote, about the tools you truly need to lose weight at the end of ANY other diet book.
The tools you need are free and at hand, you don't need a program or a pill...all you need is YOU.
Read it.
It will change your concept of the term "diet".

Now on to an idea I have been kicking around for the last week or so.
The 100 day challenge.
I can only lay out the bare bones right now..it's morning and I have some work to do..
but the top three qualifiers to be a challenge participant are these:
Cap your calories at 1500 for 100 days
Do some form of exercise 6 days a week for 30 minutes...for 100 days.
And I will be asking 10 questions..1 question every ten days to get each participant to think about the why and how of their weight loss journey.
And I won't be asking anyone to share anything they don't want to share, but I will be asking you to journal it on your own....
The first question will be "Why do you want to lose weight."

But if you would like to discuss these questions or your own...I have started a page on facebook.
If you would like to be in the 100 day challenge you can email me at livedeliberately01@yahoo.com
I will begin this challenge on wednesday...also known as day 1.
I will be blogging about it here, and updating on the facebook page...which is linked in my sidebar at the top.

I f you decided to join, Include the email address you would like your questions emailed to...
I intend the facebook page to be a forum for updating your daily calorie totals and workouts,
And also a place for people to discuss the questions I pose...and to maybe pose some of your own.
So, anyone who would like to be a challenge participant,
you can email me @ the above email address, or leave a comment below.
Have a great day guys.

Chris out.

Transformation Road

2012-01-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

Hello all..
I am going to promote a book on my blog.
I never sell anything.
I don't put crap up in my sidebar...or do giveaways..
You know why?
Because deep down I believe it's a personal choice how we lose weight.
But!
I also believe weight loss is just about the most simple thing in the world.
And I have one person I know that I agree with completely about the 'science' and 'philosophy' of weight loss.
He has written a book.
His name is Sean Anderson.
He started at 505 lbs...I started at 262 lbs.
And whatever weight you start at..It doesn't matter.
It isn't how you begin, it's where you end up.
But!
The mindset matters!
Sean and I agree about what matters most.

That you have GOT to change your life, not go on a diet.
That you don't need another program.
You need to cap your calories and get some exercise.

And that you need to DECIDE!
Really decide to change your life and make it a permanent change.
This is a book about how he made his decision and that journey.

I haven't read this book.
I don't have the money right now to buy it.
But I don't need to buy this book to know what's in it.
I have read Sean's blog.
I believe in Sean's message.
I trust him, and think if his message can spread..then more people could have hope.
People who don't have the money for another program..
Or diet book...
Or special shakes..
Or pills
Or personal trainers.
Sean is not going to be promoted by the weight loss industry.
You know it and I know it..
There is no money to be made off this guy!
Eat less..move more...and do it for the rest of your life?
There is no hook there..no gimmick.
But we as a weight loss community can support him..can do what we can to promote his book and this philosophy.
You and I spent YEARS buying into the so called "complexity" of weight loss.
What if we could make it simpler for others?
What if we could demystify the process?

Well, I can do my part.
So from here on out you will see Sean's book on my sidebar.
It will link to his blog...

If you can afford it, buy it.
If you've read it and liked it, give it a great review..
and if you are so inclined..
promote it.

Do it for the person out there who is out of hope, and thinks it's too hard.
That they need a program or a certain diet.
I wish I had read something as simple and straight forward as Sean's philosophy years ago..
If I had, maybe I could have avoided some pain.
Have a great night guys.
chris out.

Foam Rolling...it's painful but it works...

2012-01-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

Foam rolling....
I had never heard of it until I started watching omar's videos...
I was skeptical.
what on earth could planting your rear on a piece of foam do?
Quite a bit..
When I first started working out at the gym..
I went full on elliptical for about a month..
without properly stretching afterwards..
result?
pain...and an injury that last two or three weeks..
Stretching is indeed an important part of your exercise regimen.
The foam roller isn't stretching per se.
It's actually better.
After I do a whole body workout..
really pushing my muscles with weight circuits.
I get very sore.
Foam rolling is like a magic pill for those sore muscles...
See that pose up there?
That really helps your ligaments in your hips and around your knees.
If this looks like it 'feels good'...
Don't be fooled.
It's painful..
But it pushes that lactic acid out of your muscles...
do that and drink a ton of water..well..
you should be able to train hard the next day.
Which is what we want!
right!
lol.
So I will leave a link to the video here..The real information begins at 3 minutes in...before that it is omar being omar...translation...goofball.
Tomorrow I will be posting a tag I recieved a while back from Joy and a book recommendation that I have been meaning to get to.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Fun, yes I said FUN at the gym...

2012-01-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

okay..mental work is neccessary..
But it sure hasn't been any fun.
I went to the gym today and did a lot of cardio.
I plan to get back into my whole body workouts next week..
This week has zapped my energy on a lot of levels..
so I kept it very simple..
So...now you get to see the me that used to get me into trouble in school

The me that asked my fourth grade teacher if he had a toupee..
The me that got kicked out of my high school principals office for calling him a sell out.
The me that chucked a can of pepsi at my journalism teacher.

Well, I am walking around the track inside..
And there is this older gentleman..
about 50 or so..
And he does not like women to 'pass' him..
you know..kind of like the guys who don't like you to pass them on the highway.
Well, this dude is very competitive when it comes to women passing him..
So, He passes me..
And everytime he passes me...he looks back..to check my status as it were.
He did this yesterday two or three times.
So yesterday I sped up to check my hypothesis..
and as I picked up speed, he did.
So I knew he was 'one of those'.
So today...I was feeling...plucky.
I thought..
Let's see how tenacious he is about this 'no passing' thing.
So he passes me..
I pick up speed...he glances back..picks up speed..
I pick up more speed...he glances back and sees..
to his shock and dismay...that I haven't fallen back.
He picks up more speed.
So do I.
He looks back and now he looks worried.
loloolol.
I can tell you I am starting to smile.
He picks up more speed (we are both walkers btw..)
at this point we are both doing that goofy speed walking
and he is checking every 10 to 20 feet or so..
By this time I am laughing my ass off...
We did this for a half mile
he leaves.
I couldn't help it..
That was the most fun I have had in a long time..
I laughed all the way through the rest of my workout and even now I am smiling.
Sometimes the gym can be fun.
Chris out.

Friends...and coming to terms.

2012-01-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

I have been emotionally drained over the last few days...
What I figured out three days ago has really made me re examine nearly everything..
I have been having vivid dreams where I am trying to protect my daughter's from danger..
I think you all remember a year or so back..all those nightmares about dying children..
This is less dire and more direct...
no more subtext, just in your face fears finally come into the open.
Where they can be dealt with.
I finally realized that my childhood is not something I can lock away in a box..
And I can not create a whole new person...because I don't need to.
I have to accept that it has affected everything...
from how I relate to people..
to how I perceive my interactions with others..
And I have realized something..
There isn't anything wrong with me...
I am not abnormal.
I am very average..and when I take away that film that covers everything..
that somehow I am deficient.
That I have to make sure i don't intrude...or don't burden...
or don't bother..
You know, you don't have to do that with your true friends.
I have some spectacular friends..
friends I can sit down and talk about anything with..
open minded, intellectual and rigorous.
I also have friends who are kind and spiritual..
But one thing all my friends have in common...
They accept me for me.
And I accept them for who they are...it is a two way street.
They know I am not only opinionated, but welcome other's opinions.
I don't expect others to think like me...
In fact, if I suspected they were attempting to mollify me with agreement..
I would be repulsed.
And if there is one thing I have learned it's this..
It's better to be rejected for who you are then who you pretend to be...
I know rejection is some people's biggest fear, I think it used to be mine...

I faced a lot of rejection as a kid...mostly adults dealing with their own stuff.
I didn't know that then, I know that now.
I thought it was me...something in me...
And as I look at that, and how it shaped me..
And the fantastic people I have had in my life who have helped me see things clearly..
GOOD people I am convinced God placed in my path so I could keep going...

I have realized that If I can have every part of me damaged while still interacting with good people..
Imagine the people who never had the chance.
I am speaking now of my stepdad.
Acknowledging that there wasn't even a part of me that really escaped from 10 years of abuse, made me stop and acknowledge that he dealt with 18 years of physical abuse.
And who knows what else.
I think this last key is really a key to understanding..
Understanding that while we can try to get in someone's head and understand their motives..
or what their intentions are...
We will never completely understand where another person is coming from.
That person's perspective is a conglomeration of life events, that..even if described in detail...can never be lived by another human being.
Sometimes people don't mesh, for whatever reason.
All we can do is be true to who we are...
And try to do better..
Try to love..
And if people can't see our heart..or perhaps we simply can't see another's point of view..
That's okay.
Sometimes in life, people just can't.
Can't be our friend..
or
Can't be a parent..or a sister, brother, mother, father or whatever role they need to fulfill.
Maybe life is just too much...maybe they don't know how...
or maybe it's just not what they need at this time.
I used to take every sign of rejection as a judgement of my failure as a human being.
And maybe sometimes it is..
but it doesn't mean that I am a failure..
or not loveable.
It's just people doing what people do..
after a little bit of feeling down earlier.
I got on the phone for two hours with a very good friend..
And I was just me..a little opinionated, a little obnoxious..
and she was a little opinionated and a little obnoxious.
And we laughed, and we understood each other.
And it felt good.

Chris out...

Breaking the cycle of obesity....

2012-01-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Hi guys,
Thanks for all the kind comments..I appreciated them.
I read them two or three times..
and to the people who heard themselves in there, it made writing that out worthwhile.
If I can help people by being honest..then it gives some value to the past.
My friend who talked me through this last bit also stated that I third person all of my stories of my childhood...as if they happened to someone else.
So I have been writing things that happened to me using the word I..
to connect me to my childhood.
I am writing things like..
I was hurt...
I was hit...etc.
So I am facing the things that happened and 'reintegrating' that portion of my life.
Reintegrating my child part to the adult part...to the adult ME.
But I wouldn't be where I am today If I hadn't started...
And I started simply by stopping..
I stopped eating to cover the pain.
Now initially I started eating when I was young as a coping mechanism to fulfill needs that weren't being met..
By the time I was morbidly obese..
The fat had started to create it's own problems that masked the initial issues.
So it went like this...
I was in need of emotional support or love..
I would reach out..and instead of recieving love or support
I recieved pain and abuse.
I stopped trying to get love from people..
and began to numb the feelings with food.
I did it so long that I forgot how to ask for love and acceptance..
And in fact didn't even realize anything was missing..
then I got fatter and fatter, and my world got smaller and smaller...
my fat protected me from new situations...
I could always say
No thank you..
I am not going to do________.
and then my fat was alienating my spouse and hindering my life..
which would cause pain I didn't know how to deal with..
except through eating..
Until one day I said enough.
And I had to stop eating.
And it took awhile, but those feelings came back.
And I had to deal with the feelings..
Not only that, but when you begin to change one part of your life..
All the other parts start to shift and rearrange.
If you are morbidly obese...your life is set up in a way that will keep you fat..
your activities and daily habits are set.
Your friends and your family expect certain things from you...certain habits and mental attributes...
Change one thing and it is like a clock with all of it's gears..
one gear is out of place..the others have to be adjusted.
Some gears are rusty and don't want to be adjusted...some are great
and some have to be removed entirely.

These other gears can be friends, family, or your own feelings and inability to cope..
You have now got all these new feelings and hurdles to jump..
And you no longer have your old coping mechanism.
And that is where you will have to have willpower and the determination
AND THE REASONS
you want to change.
Your REASON/S have to be bigger than the reasons why not..
Because you are walking into a storm..and the only thing that is going to be able to pull you through that is your reason for being there...
No sane person would run into a burning building to look good..
But you would if your kids were there..
What if your life was there?
And the only way to get it back was to brave the flames?
Well, that is what this is.
It's about your life.
But If you can do this..holding on and making for yourself, new coping mechanisms.
If you can learn how to reach out, to ask for help...to make new habits..new patterns.
If you are willing to let go of your crutch..
If you are willing to tell others no...
No to that old you..and give them the reasons why..
The people who love you will back you.
And the people who use you will leave...
And this honesty and improvement will spread to every aspect of your life.
You will succeed..
It's the first six months mentally that are the toughest.
If you get past those and keep going
WHILE DEALING WITH YOUR STUFF
AND NOT PUSHING IT OFF.
You will succeed.
Pushing it off only means you have to deal with it later.
Sometimes there were so many layers you can only find them by continuing to dig...continuuing to grow.
It can be very tiring.
I am tired.
But...I am done.
I know all my mental traps and pitfalls.
I know what's going on in here.
So this last bit, while the hardest..
has, of course, had the biggest payoff.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend..
And for the first time I didn't have the urge to flee in the middle of the conversation.
You see, for forever I had a feeling while I was talking to people I didn't know very well..
That I wasn't very interesting, or didn't have much to say..
I think I even said on here once..
before I got better..
that if you met me in real life and weren't close to me..
You wouldn't recognize me from this blog.
And while I was talking to her...
(she is very confident..very sure of herself..and she has always made me nervous)
I realized I had been talking a full ten minutes and hadn't gotten that panicky, suffocated "I must escape" feeling I usually get.
I almost stopped and said something it was so fantastic!
but I didn't...
I felt okay.
I felt normal.
I felt happy.
And I wanted that moment to be normal...and okay.
I even invited her to my house for coffee a week or so from now..
she has invited me all over the place..
and I hadn't invited her.
And I finally did.
So, just keep going.
Keep trying.
You'll get there.
Hugs,
Chris

The final Turd in the chicken coop....

2012-01-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hey all,
Hows it going?
good, that's good (I am assuming you said well...we always say well or good...even if we don't really mean it...It's the polite thing to do)
I have been having a hard/strange week.
Well, actually a hard/strange year and a half.
It started when I went back to Michigan...
I think I spoke a while back about the oppressive fear I felt as I got lower in weight.
But I couldn't pinpoint the source.
Well, A few months back I was at the gym and was lying on a mat doing some stretching..
And I had a flash in my head of an incident that happened when I was around 10.
I won't get into all of it...but it was bad enough to cause a panic attack.
I know you guys know I talk about nearly everything on this blog..
Well, this didn't happen to me...it happened to a relative.
I just happened to be there, in the bunk above.
And apparently I repressed this particular memory....
And this act was done by the same person who had touched me inappropriately..
Only he did something to someone else.
So, I have been struggling for two months with this particular issue..
wondering (beyond the obvious) what it was that was bothering me so much...
well, I thought it was that I didn't say something...
to anyone.
In fact, I never told anyone what had happened to me till I was in my 30's, let alone what happened that night.
Well, I was wrong...It wasn't that I didn't tell anyone..
It was this...that When I was touched, It felt good...even though it was wrong.
I was 10...I think I internalized that...that there was something wrong with me for something like that to feel good when it was wrong.
I internalize shame.
well, looks like I am talking about it..what the hell...I talk about everything else.
anywhoozle..
I had a dream the other night..
In my dream I dreamt that an uncle touched me inappropriately...and it felt good.
and my aunt saw (now this uncle has never done any such thing.)
and I felt guilty for hurting my aunt, even though in my dream I didn't do anything to encourage this.
and I turn and ran.
And ran into kids from high school...ones who had picked on me...
and they were all laughing and smirking.
And when I woke up I realized that final Turd in my Chicken coup was this:
I was afraid there was something about ME that invited the abuse.
So I called on a very good friend to help me sort it out...
And as usual, she was very helpful..
First she said: Chris, we are wired to feel pleasure when touched sexually...the victim is always the victim...whatever else occurs.
I knew that intellectually...but well..you know...
She asked..In that dream, were you YOU...or was it that part of you...the young you, that you think you locked away and kept safe...were you an adult or a child?
I was a child.
At my core, the part of me that I tried to seperate from the abuse...I unconciously thought I was dirty and that I would hurt people by being sexually attractive.
That if I became thin...that I would become someone who was dirty or was wrong...or invited inappropriate behavior...
That my feeling of the touch feeling nice...the feeling being pleasurable was an indication that there was something inherently dirty or wrong with me...
And that translated into a need not only to protect myself from men..
But I thought I needed to protect me and others from MYSELF.
I was what I feared.
The me I thought was in there.
The normal things like getting attention, and then enjoying the attention...
would trigger a binge.
quite frankly it's a miracle I am sitting at this weight at all.
I think this was the hardest part of my chicken coop to unearth because it isn't something from without...it was something at the core of my belief about myself, that I refused to even acknowledge was there...
And it's a lie.
and unearthing it has helped.
When you bring something out into the sun and lay it bare...it loses it's power.
This was one of the most difficult things I have had to face.
But now that I have, I can be aware of my internal dialogue.
I can face it and refute the lies with the truth.
Nothing is there anymore..
There is no more there that can stop me.
I may have moments of fear..
But I know the cause.
So, Thank you all for listening to me all this time..and Thank you to my friend...
You have helped me more than you know.
chris out....

A moment of quiet reflection...

2012-01-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
TEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I'm done ;oD

Chris out.

Keeping my why in mind.....

2012-01-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

Why?
Because I want to WIN that's why!
I want to prove to ME that I can do it.
I want to prove that I am more powerful than anything that has happened to me..
and when I choose
Day in and Day out
To do my best and make no excuses.
I get closer to my goal.
I get closer to being the me I was meant to be.
The only person that can stop me is ME.
I won't be my own roadblock.
I will be my own catalyst.
The power to change resides within ME.
I choose.
I fight.
I win.
Chris out.

How to keep your head IN THE GAME...

2012-01-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

When you get tempted to go light...
When you get tempted to Give in...
Just know this
WATCH...it's 17 seconds and it says it all:

There is no Tomorrow.
Chris out.

FIGHT.FIGHT.FIGHT.

2012-01-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hello all.
I was walking today...and to lose the weight I want to lose I really have to tighten up the calories and batten down the hatches with the exercise...I am ramping up to give it the good fight.

Now...
If you were going to face your enemy in battle..
you would need a few things.
You would need to recon the area.
Scope out the terrain..
know where your enemy lies...
LIke during the battle of gettysburg, the North arrived first...
And they knew to win that battle, the high ground was key.
They prepped the battlefield in their favor.
so when you are going in to fight your battle..
prep your field..
or...get rid of those m&ms sitting in your cupboard.
Get rid of your food Kryptonite.
For me it's popcorn..
for some it's oreos..
Oreos don't do a thing for me.
If you stuck oreos in front me and a slice of french bread with butter..
I would choose the bread.
It's the way I roll.
Know yourself.
Put good healthy food in your home.
Stuff that is good for you and tastes good..
And is filling.
Have a treat that isn't a trigger...
Something that you can have a bite or two off but won't send you off the deep end to binge territory.
So, I f you like chocolate...they have sugar free pudding cups.
It will cure your chocolate issue for only 60 calories and it's portion controlled.
Or if it's something crunchy and salty..
salted pistachios do it for me.
or mini pretzels...20 for 110 calories.
If you are just flat out hungry..
for me..it's shredded cabbage...
It takes a long time to chew and it's filling.
If you want something warm...try beef or chicken broth...it's filling.
I substituted splenda for sugar..it saves me a ton of calories.
I eat lots of veggies at dinner..it fills me up.
And exercise is not optional..it's mandatory..
No choice on whether I pay my bills..
no choice on exercise.
I will be back tomorrow on understanding the mental processes.
Tonight is my whole body workout...
I bought 5 lb plates for my barbell last night to increase the intensity of my whole body workout...since it was lagging.
I have really built some muscle under this fat I want to get rid of.
So I just have to keep on keeping on..taking one day at a time..
One pound at a time.
chris out.

3 simple ways to lose weight...

2012-01-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Have you got the feeling that I am going to pull a lot of fish on my line with this blog title.
I do.
How many jump back out of the boat when they figure out it's not a magic pill or a cookie diet or a meal and deal plan?
Who knows.

lol.
It really is simple.
Let's do this in rhyme....
1.) Cap your calories.
The Less that goes in, the more the weight comes off.
I don't care what you call it....low carb..low fat...vegan...
It's all about calories.
Now granted some can have more and some can have less.
It's not fair...but that is the way it is...
Eating real food makes it easier...but you could concievably lose that weight eating nothing but twinkies and diet coke.
YOu'll feel like crap....but it will work as long as you have a deficit.
Pick a cap you can live with and eat foods you like.. and keep it under a certain number.
That's all.

2.) Exercise
MOVE YOUR REAR. The more you move, the more you burn.
It's that simple.
You can starve the fat off...but it isn't very pleasant or proactive.
Moving makes it go much faster..
and you will also feel better.

3.) Don't quit.
That's it..not ever.
Not for anything or anyone...not when you are tired of it...not when you are slogging around in month three and couldn't give a rat's ass.

that is how you lose weight.
Now the hard part is doing it.
lol.
ack.
hard core.
Chris out.

Boy, you got a brain full of can't!

2011-12-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

well,
Happy New year! Or it soon will be.
I get all my best ideas from facebook lately..
that's where the quote up there came from...
No, it isn't some old witticism from an uncle...or something my Grammy used to say.
It's something that popped into my head while talking to a person I happen to be related to.
(You can't pick your relatives, can you? can you.....sigh.)
In this case....it's a cousin by marriage.
Here are some examples of his thinking..
I do this because when the thinking is this egregious, I have no problem exposing it.
Here is his excuse as to why he can't get a job.
(keep in mind I have changed NOTHING in either form or content...this is aaaaalll him.)
" if I get a job n bust my ass for minimum wage well make less money than just having state assiatance"
NICE.
"I grew up poor. I'm still growing up poor. N iv realised that your better off having parents with nice jobs than even trying cuz they will just shit on u. Yes fucki.g try. But no matter what. Wothout a fuckton of luck your going to get stonewalled by some greedy capitalstic ass. N I am a hardcore
socialist but I would also love to work for our government but honestly if I worked in public office I would find it un"constitutional" in a personal way to earn more than minimum wage. And trus me I've seen first hand that we are not free to succeed. Yah. 40 years ago we cud. But nowadays its 70% who you know 10% what u can get away with and 20% what you know. That's the formula for true capitalism. Succeeding in perso.al greed no matter what the cost.

Now I do this...not to pick on socialists. (or even his atrocious spelling and grammar)
I do it to make a point.
"We" (he and I) grew up the same way.
My 'father' abandoned us.
My mom worked crappy minimum wage jobs.
The difference?
My mom believed in hard work and owning your mistakes.
She also never would have allowed this much whine without some cheese.
But I digress.
You see...he considers it greedy to work for a living, but living off of other people is okay with him.
My mom had help, had public assistance...but it was necessary, and when she got back on her feet she stopped. She worked all the way through. It's not that he can't work, it's that he WON'T work.

After I finished reading all of his excuses...
That was the phrase that popped into my head.
The title of this blog..
He has a mind full of "cant's"...
He is my daughter's age.
She will be supporting him with her tax dollars.
My daughter who has succeeded...not because we 'know anyone' or because she has been lucky.
She hasn't succeeded because we are unbelievably wealthy.
She has succeeded because:
She has been diligent.
She has worked hard.
She has sacrificed and will continue to do so.
Even my ten year old said..
"Everyone knows you have to work hard to get ahead'..
I said, "How do you know that?"
And Kate says, "You say it ALL the time!"
And I do.
I believe it.
Now.

I took a long hard look at the old me.
I sounded like that once.
I was that mired in "can't"...once.
I was CONVINCED I couldn't. lose. weight.
Nothing could have convinced me otherwise.
It was depressing, and awful.
But the thing is...I never really tried.
I thought I tried...but I was trying to find a magic pill.
and when the magic pill didn't work I would try the quick fix diet.
The idea that it would take a long time, that I would have to sacrifice and change?
That idea never seemed like a very good one.
I was convinced I didn't have what it took.
I didn't want to change me....I wanted life to change.
I wanted food to be calorie free..
I wanted my body to decide to magically shed my fat.
I would dream about being thin, and then wake up fat.
I would be angry and depressed...
and I would talk badly to myself...
I would make excuses to myself..
I would eat bad food and feel worse.
And none of that DID A DAMN THING.

And then luckily, one day POOF?
lol,
no.
It wasn't a one day thing..it was a cascade of reality....
I changed one thing..my marriage....by saying out loud what I wanted...
to the person who could actually do something about it...my husband..
It turns out that what I wanted to change most, I changed about me...
The only person I can control is ME.
Once I got a taste of what it was to change something for the better, to realize that the locus of control is WITHIN ME....
well, that is when the tumblers began to fall into place.
What he doesn't understand, and for a long time what I didn't understand....is that you can't control your father, or your mother, or really anything or anyone around you.
You can't control others...
You control YOU.
You control how you act and react.
I still remember reading this quote:
...Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
That quote is from Viktor Frankl...a holocaust survivor...and someone who would know what it means to choose your attitude in difficult situations.
Whether or not you feel fat today...well, that shouldn't determine whether you eat crap or not.
Whether your husband loves you or doesn't.
Whether your father was a good father, or your mother showed you what hard work was...
This isn't their life, it's yours..and at the end of the day, you are the one who has got to look back on it and live with what you did or didn't accomplish.
And I didn't want fat to define me.
I looked in that mirror and said "OH HELL NO."
And I no longer accepted that being fat was my 'destiny'..any more than being a loser who doesn't work is my cousin's destiny.
IT'S HIS CHOICE.
Whether you think you can't or you can...your right.
And you can change that brain full of can't into a brain full of "can" like this.
snap.
You are who you think you are.
You are worth what you think you are worth..
and you can do what you think you can do.
Here is to 2012.
Chris out.

choices...sometimes we make bad ones....

2011-12-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

LOL. I read that the other day on Facebook.
It was a comment written by an old friend from high school.
And boy is it ever true.
I didn't make a bad choice today.
I made good ones.
I have made bad choices in the past..
(obviously..you don't get morbidly obese by consistantly making great food choices, now do you?)
Choices usually build on each other.
Get some good choices under your belt, and you build good choice momentum.
A few bad choices and it's the same thing.
From my recent experience of Good choice making...
Here is the thought process
I am tired and getting gas. (This is tonight folks)
I told the kids I would get them gummies.
I am hungry.
I am in the gas station...
I could just buy a candy bar.
It's only 210 calories (for a hershey's bar)
or 250 for a milky way bar (caramel).
Now..hungry, cranky and tired....
How do I say no to that?
Well,
here's how.
Okay, you know it will taste good..let's not bullshit ourselves.
But, they are so small, and you know it won't fill you up.
(see that's number one...once you start where do you stop?)
You eat the candy bar, you aren't full...you've already "blown it" so what is the point...
(BTW...this is fat brain speaking, and it is usually your fat brain giving your ID the go light to pig out...you have not blown it if you have eaten something you shouldn't have, just get right back on program and let it go...)
And knowing my defective brain...it's burgers, fries and popcorn from there..
So, best not to start..
so, hows about something sweet that is kinda junky, but more filling...like sweetened almonds...
HOLY CRAPSTICKS...300 calories!
No way...
I don't like almonds that much.
okay, how about something sweet with no calories...coke zero it is. lol.
look at that...got something sweet with no calorie payment.
okay...still hungry.
You know you have fish at home...( I say in my brain)
You said you would make it and some grilled zucchini...so why are you hovering over the candy aisle when you know it won't fill you up, it will set off a binge and you will feel shitty about blowing your workout today for something that took 3 minutes to eat?
DON'T DO IT.
I didn't..
And when I got in that car and went home without all that.
I felt like a winner.
But you have to get out of whatever situation you are in with your eating integrity intact.
so just start thinking.
Don't turn off your brain.
And,
Whatever you do, don't say
'OH, it won't matter...it's just one ____________"
day...meal...candy bar....
It does matter.
Each day matters...
If I burn 500 calories a day for two or three days...
say I have a 1500 calorie deficit..
and then I blow 1000 in a big old binge, and I do this every three days or so...
that ends up being around a 1000 calorie a week deficit..
or a one pound a month weight loss.
And really..who wouldn't get discourage with that..
If I didn't do that and I do 500 calories a day for 6 days out of the week with a caloric wash one day...That's almost 3.5 lbs a month...and in a year it's the difference between losing 12 lbs and losing 41 lbs.
Yes....That's how big a difference it makes.
I Just have to win the next battle...and take them as they come along.
I get hungry, and tired..and discouraged.
I write many times for me...It would be easy to sit down...open bag of doritos and watch bad remakes of jane austen movies.....
But I have to remind myself of what I want...
sometimes I have to do it daily..
sometimes HOURLY.
Whatever it takes.
I can do this.
We can do this.
Chris out.

Are you ready?

2011-12-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

I read something on facebook today..
about how hard it is to lose weight.
How hard it is to keep it off.
How this percent of people and that percent of people.
BULLSHIT.
They said a small percent of people take the weight off and keep it off.
You know why?
Because you have to want it.
Not kind of want it...
You have to want it more...
Want it more than you want a chicken nugget.
Want it more than you want ice cream.
Want it more than you want to sit on the couch wasting your life watching other people live theirs on the idiot box.

Want it more than the discomfort you feel when exercising.
Want it more than the ease of the familiar.
Want it more than you want to make excuses about why you can't.
Want it more than you want that reason why they left.
Want it more than thwarting other's expectations.
Want it more than you want your own lowered expectations.
Because when you want it more than all these things, you will succeed....
There is nothing better than living up to your full potential.

So you have to ask yourself:
Are you ready?

No more excuses.
Chris out.

working out at home...

2011-12-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

Did that yesterday and today...
Yesterday, I did 10 minute solution off netflix and about 20 minutes of a walk away the pounds cd...today I did my full body workout courtesy of my online trainer omar.
I have decided to cap my calories at 1500...they have been at 1600-1700 for nearly the duration of my weight loss efforts. But I decided starting January 1rst, that I would be going hard core..and to me, 1500 is hard core. Especially when I am going full bore on my exercise...so I have been eating around 1450 for two days now...and exercising a little lighter than usual trying to shrink my stomach.
Shrink my stomach.
I don't even know if that is scientific. lol.
It's something my mom used to say..
But I have been a case study in how the stomach 'shrinks'.
I can't pig out anywhere near what I used to.
I can only finish half my plate at restaurants...
eating at holidays is stymied.
You name it..
eat less for a prolonged period of time, and you get used to eating less.
Which is what I am doing and what I am focused on...
dinner tonight...
Bean soup.
On my other blog (Yes, I have one...one that I haven't written on since march. lol)
I wrote about some of the meals I plan to make and eat...
But, where ever you see a starch, just dump it..
lol. It's meat and veggies for dinner for me..
so instead of potatoes, I'll eat green beans or asparagus.
I save my starches for breakfast and lunch.
Well, that's all for now.
Hope you all had a fantastic holiday.
I did.
Chris out.

Merry Christmas...and a mini blog vacation...

2011-12-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
I just wanted to say that I am taking off till the 26th.
I am going to focus on really enjoying this time with my family and This Christmas season...
So, I will leave you with a few things I have been thinking of for the past few days and then sign off with my all time favorite Christmas Carol...
1.) Whenever you fail, and you start to talk badly to yourself...
stop and ask your self, what would I think if I heard someone saying this stuff to their kid in the parking lot of a walmart. If it is so egregious that you would confront the parent, perhaps you shouldn't be saying it to yourself to begin with...perhaps you should say "well, that wasn't such a good choice...but you have made good choices in the past...so you start again right now."
Never continue to talk in a negative fashion about yourself.
IT isn't motivating..
It's demotivating and depressing and it will drag you down.

2.) I know a lot of people are hurting financially.
A few years ago our family was in a real financial bind as my husband departed the military and I was full of anxiety and couldn't seem to catch the Christmas spirit. That is when I went looking at lights with my kids and some religious music. Jesus came into this world in a barn. But what was most important was that his family stayed together even as they became 'homeless'...They had each other.
That year reminded me of how important spending time with my kids and my husband was...we may not have had money...but at least he wasn't spending another year in a war zone. Better than even trade, in my book...on that note...I am so glad our soldiers are home from Iraq. God bless them and their families..and God bless all of you.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and anything else you may be celebrating.

God Bless,
Chris out.

motivation...HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?

2011-12-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

Chris out

Metabolic BURN

2011-12-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

Are You Getting Full Metabolic Effects?
“There are four reliable ways to stimulate the maximum caloric burn both during and after the exercise session,” says Teta. “We call these the ‘Bs’ and the ‘Hs’, breathless, burning, heavy and heat. Each workout should work to generate all four of these components.”
In other words, when you finish your circuit you should be wobbly, sweating, striving to catch your breath, and clawing for your water bottle. Your muscles should be fatigued, and if you’re just starting out, you can probably expect a few days of soreness.

CLIPPED AND QUOTED from a fitness website.

Guys, You know I have been working out forever.

I thought I worked out hard.

I was wrong.

If you get the opportunity, do circuits.

I can't even tell you the difference it's made in such a short amount of time.

A ton.

I can FEEL muscles developing in my legs and in my rear.

Heck....I even have an 'in curve' above my rear end...something I have never had before..

I have always had 'flat butt' syndrome.

Here is a good example...

It makes my hour long elliptical workouts look like pansy stuff.
My elliptical days are now my 'easy' days.
So...If you are dead bored by your current workouts...try incorporating circuits.
They are fun and will really push you like you wouldn't believe.
Chris out.

Three years and closing in on the end of the road. (pics)

2011-12-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

The End of my weight loss road is May 18th, 2012.
That is the day maintenance begins for me...
That is the Day I will step on the same scale I stepped on three years ago and I will post the number.
And that is the number I will Hold.

I was looking through old photos last night.
I saw the me of nearly two and a half years ago...
And for the life of me, I don't know that person.
I look at old diary entries.
I remember feeling helpless to change.
I remember wishing and hoping to be healthy and thinner..
But if I am being perfectly honest...
Just thinner.
But what I thought day to day.
I don't remember.
I do remember looking up, seeing what was facing me in the mirror...
and waking up...mentally.
And saying "no more".
That's it.
It's like I decided to live...
And I have decided to put here tonight, in pictures...
the progression over the last few years.
And I will put one more picture up here On May 18th.
And every year after on May 18th.
It's my commitment to me.
Here goes:
What I saw.

I didn't take a lot of pictures other than that top one at first....wish I had.

180's-190's....

Size 16 170's

I climbed mental hurdles and attended self defense classes:

Then the picture below...taken by my good friend Amber

When I hit 100 lbs lost:

One of the best days of my life:

162.5

I took a trip home to see my mom...who was proud of my accomplishment...

And I took a picture with my girls...It was the first time I wasn't trying to hide in a family photo:

Happy:

I bought my first 'sexy' dress in a very long time:

Size 10

Then there was the day I Fit in my daughter's size 8's

And Got to 146.5 lbs

Where I stalled:

Now I am ready to finish it:

On May 18th, 2012 I will weigh in and post my final picture.

My mind is set and nothing is going to sway it...

I haven't felt this certain since the very beginning.

I deserve this.

So do you, so get on it.

To the finish.

Chris out.

Why I have 'food rules"....

2011-12-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hey all,
Just got back from the gym and my full body workout.
It was the same one that kept me from walking straight for three days the last time I did it.
This time I not only did it, but was able to walk a mile afterward.

single leg squats 10 reps each side
no rest
bent over row with barbell
12 reps
no rest
romanian deadlift with same barbell
12 sets
no rest
bench press
15 reps
no rest
swiss ball crunch
15-20 reps
90 second rest
then redo all of the above 2 more times..

Next set
reverse lunge
10 times each leg
no rest
bentover row (again!)
10 reps
no rest
forward lunge with one arm extended
10 per side
no rest
bench leg raise
10 reps
90 second rest repeat 2 more times

3rd set
sumo squat with dumb bell
12 reps
no rest
French press (triceps)
12 reps
no rest
barbell curl
12 reps
no rest
Mountain climber
15 PER SIDE
(30 total)
I did this and at the end I only had to pause once on those mountain climbers.
I could FEEL the difference in my legs.
I have gained some major muscle in my legs in a very short period.
If you are looking to shake up your workout routine, these are awesome and require minimal equipment.
I would also reccomend foam rollers.
They hurt but man, do they work.
It shoves the lactic acid out of your muscles and helps you recover quickly.

So Food rules.
When I am eating clean
1.) No sugar...none.
I will eat 2 T of honey on my yogurt, but no white sugar
2.)No white flour.
3.) No drive thrus.
None...there is nothing there they can make better (read healthier) or cheaper than I can make it at home.
it's just garbage. If you want a salad, make one..you will know what is in it.
5.) No late night runs to the 7-11.
IF you don't go, you can't buy a bag of chips, can you?
6.)NO POPCORN...Popcorn is my kryptonite.
7.) And carbs such as bread or honey or fruit, I eat in the morning.
carbs like veggies (only veggies lol...) I eat after 3.
8.) I eat a big @ss dinner.
Because it is my most vulnerable time. I get hungry and i cave easier in the evening. It's all about knowing yourself.
9.) I try to incorporate fat with my protein to feel full longer.
If I have an omelette...I have it with an ounce of cheese. Feta works for me. Then I have at least 1 cup of veggies with my food. Could be tomato...this morning is was zucchinni.
That's about all.
what my food rules do is this.
I am hungry...or maybe I am NOT HUNGRY.
I am bored.
I want to eat something.
How do you ascertain if you are really hungry?
Well, first you say No sugar, no white carbs.
but I can have radishes.
Do you want them?
(my go to veggie is cabbage).
If it's a yes...then go for it.
lol.
IT's never radishes if it's a craving.
and since the rule is in place during my clean eating days.
I just say 'nope'. Can't have it.
It's a rule.
I don't know why, it just works.
Don't leave fudge room.
It will bite you in the rear.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Lean cuisine....sucks.

2011-12-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

Hey all.
I was talking to my mom today and somehow we got on the subject of weight loss.
And I started talking about how I was glad I did..
How weighing less feels better (obviously)
and I look younger...and all that.
well anyways..I started to rant about previous failed attempts.
You know..
the starve and binge.
The lo carb debacle.
You name it.
But by far, my biggest pet peeve is lean cuisine meals.
They suck.
The portions are miniscule.
They contain additives and they just don't fill you up.
I will be standing in the frozen foods section watching an obese lady loading up on these monstrosities and the low fat cookies with incredible amounts of sugar and just be twitching.

Yum?

You can take your hand and cover that plate...

who would that fill up?

Not me.

It is 250 calories...and has 26 percent of your daily sodium and 9 grams of fat.

nasty...and it is 8 ounces altogether..

basically a cup of food.

Now.

YUM.

Calories there...maybe one hundred.

Add a 6 ounce chicken breast and you have a grand total of 300 calories.

And do you think that would fill you up?

Add some balsamic vinagrette to that puppy and you have one heckuva meal if not two.

You have a 300 pound woman who was eating around 3000 calories a day.

She goes from that to 1200 calores.

She is eating these crappy lean cuisine meals.

Then throw in a diet cookie or two and spike your blood sugar and BAM.

cravings, hunger and despair.

INstead of say going to 1800 and taking a walk.

so there she is, starving.

eating food that tastes like the underside of the seat of a 1960 nova.

and not doing anything proactive.

Not changing thought patterns.

Surrounded by temptation.

WAtching as her body slows it's rate of loss while she is still hungry because your body's metabolism adjusts..

and by cutting your calories so low you have given yourself no where to go.

And just waiting for your body to change.

When change will be a long time coming.

No wonder people fail..and fail in spectacular fashion.

Eat real food.

I wish they would teach that.

Eat real food and do not starve.

Do not eat crap..

processed crap.

And do something to make yourself feel progress..

Give yourself physical goals.

Allow yourself a treat and stop calling yourself names.

And don't expect the weight off by a certain date.

That's all, I feel better now. lol.

Hugs.

Chris

passion or perfection?

2011-12-09T19:47:00.001-07:00

I think passion wins.

OR as Tim Tebow says:
"Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work as hard."

You don't need to be perfect to lose weight.
Only downing fish capsules and wheat grass.
Or have perfect form.
I don't need to be perfectly pretty:
To get the guy.
Or a perfect Passer:
To win the game.
Or the Perfect person:
To live your life.
What inspires people?
Perfection?
Nope.
Passion.
That inspires.
I went through a period of NOT being inspired.
My weight loss slowed, and stopped...
Heck I even gained a few pounds.
Because I forgot what gave me the passion to lose the weight.
My passion wasn't to have a perfect ass.
It was to LIVE.
Like I was meant to.
To give life my all and not let it pass me by in some kind of slow motion suicide by time.
Death by clock..
or
Death by donut.
My greatest achievement being the ability to down 3000 calories in a sitting.
My weight is a number.
My life is what counts.

Some quick quotes:
With out passion you don't have energy, with out energy you have nothing.
Donald Trump
Fear is the passion of slaves. Patrick Henry (wow that one was good!)

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion.
Martha graham

My belief is that what comes across on the television is a capture of my enthusiasm and my passion for wildlife. Steve Irwin

The music itself could never take the place of my own passion in life.
Pavarotti

Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark.
Henri frederic amiel
Don't be a possibility...be the flame.
Chris out.

Standards....Getting some....

2011-12-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Lol,
I don't know about you all..But I have standards in certain areas of my life.
There are things I feel are very important.
When it comes to my kids, my standard was and is very high.
what I want them to learn etc.
When it came to my weight my standard was...
well, I didn't have one.
I didn't have a standard for personal appearance other than clean and covered and combed.
I thought it was too shallow.
It's funny how we have standards about some things and not about others.
For some,
Cussing is a big fat no no...
For others, not so much.
I'll never forget it...I was with this women...the kids were all over the place...yelling, rebellious and crawling on the floor...and nothing.
Not a flinch.
Someone had taken a bag of garbage that was tied...and put it in the car..
whammo.
She was p*ssed.
That was 'disgusting'.
The rest...not disgusting.
I would have been much more upset at the blatant disrespect the kids showed the place they were in, and the people who were there.
It threw me.
Then I realized, we are all different.
But I was watching a young man the other day...and I really admired his take on 'standards'.
This young man is Tim Tebow.
He knows what he is trying to accomplish.
He had personal standards that weren't just about how he looked...but what life meant.
He had a reason for exercising and for working hard, above and beyond the superficial.
And it made me realize why standards are so important.
Because they teach your children what is and isn't acceptable.
And the lower your standards are...the lower theirs will be.
You see, my standard for my oldest daughter is A's and B's in school..
I know she can do it..
(and really its B's in math and A's in every thing else...because it is her toughest subject and she TRIES.)
My mom's was c's and graduate.
I lived up to her expectations.
Kate lives up to both hers and mine.
Kids set the bar by the parent's standard.
YOu tell your kids to 'not get caught'...they see no reason to be honest.

I never thought to set a bar on my personal appearance.
But you will notice thin women have a bar...
It could be a five pound bar...or a 10 pound bar.
It's the trigger that says..
'OH NO'....I am not going to be "insert number here'.
And it triggers a response..
usually weight loss or what have you.
It triggers movement.
With my weight, I just kept saying...
'Oh, I'm not that bad"
Which isn't a standard, it's an excuse or a way to put off dealing with the weight issue.
Or my house...
There should be a minimum standard.
Not...
Well, It's not bad...
But something like
I don't leave dishes in the sink before bed etc.
I vaccuum the floor once a day etc.
And for personal fitness it could be..
I eat clean 6 days out of 7.
I exercise minimum 1 hour a day 6 days a week.
It's a standard..
and here is the video that set all this thinking off..

That this young man gets it at such a young age is a testament to his parents. Period.
I have been watching him and thinking...that is how you become a role model.
Live your convictions out loud and set your standards for your life HIGH.
You prove yourself through your actions.
Those are my thoughts.
I did HIIT training yesterday and today I did my third whole body workout.
My eating is good.
But I have dishes that need doing.
Have a great night guys!
Chris out.

N.E.P.A (Non exercise physical activity) and weight loss....

2011-12-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

Also known as a good way to burn extra calories outside the gym.
The majority of our time is not spent inside the gym...or it shouldn't be, right?! lol.
So, Omar says move around...stand up when talking on the phone or doing bills or whatever it is you are doing.
I know, I am quoting omar.
Why?
Because I buy what he's selling.
In other words, he doesn't bs.
Alot of programs are selling bullshit.
Take this pill..
you will lose x amount of pounds
If you lose TOO MANY pounds...call a doctor.
As if it's ever actually been a problem.
When I see this crap on tv or hear it on the radio...I give it a mental middle finger.
Lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks.
Lose 30 pounds before the new year.
Lose your mind and buy this shit.
Don't buy it.
Sean Anderson has a book...called transformation road.
Look it up...he lost around 250 pounds.
He started at 505 pounds.
You know how he lost it.
wait for it...
He ate less and worked out more.
I buy what he's selling.
Because it's real.
There is no magic.
Just consistency.
I have lost over 100 lbs so far.
How did I do it?
I ate less...and exercised more.
Now, there are things that will make weight loss 'easier'.
Get rid of sugar.
It will reduce cravings.
Get rid of white flour..
same thing...it reduces cravings.
white rice, white flour, white sugar...they pack a big calorie punch...little nutritional value, and if you give them up...you will feel better.
Replace them with fruits and vegetables and some whole grains.
You'll get to eat more and feel fuller.
Now for nepa...it doesn't replace your workout.
But after you workout, park in the north 40 and trek in at walmart..
stand while you talk on the phone.
try to get in 10,000 steps by getting a pedometer and paying attention.
And don't eat all the calories you just busted your ass getting rid of in the gym.
Do that, and you will lose weight.
That's all.
Chris out.

TAking off the mask...

2011-12-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my kids tonight about making friends.
My oldest gives a rat's rear what people think...
My youngest cares too much.
lol.
So we were talking about finding a middle ground.
And...
I will admit that I have no good advice to give.
I don't understand why people have such a problem simply being kind.
IT isn't that hard.
I have never understand this compulsion some people have to make sure that the people they associate with mirror their image, so to speak.
For instance...in my oldest daughter's freshmen year of high school, she inadvertantly stumbled into the popular crowd...she was invited to sit with them..
By the end of week one..they had given her a list of things she needed to change to be accepted.
Hair, speech, clothing...
My daughter read it and ripped it up.
They didn't sit with her anymore.
She made new friends.
What she noticed was, all those people who tried to change her, they were unhappy with themselves.
Quite frankly, I wonder how many people are unhappy with themselves.
Seeing the level of backbiting, anger and mistreatment there is in the world makes one wonder.
The happier I am with myself, the more other's unhappiness seems to stand in glaring contrast.
It's bizarre.
I want people to treat my kids well.
other kids etc.
But that may be asking too much when they can't seem to treat themselves well.
My oldest daughter said "I don't bother with a mask...I just call people on their bs now'.
It sounds like a good plan to me.
Be as honest, and straightforward as you can.
The soul suckers will scatter.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Avoiding weight loss burn out....

2011-12-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

hey all...
Back from my day, such as it was...
which simply included a ton of running around getting not a lot accomplished.
Done with that.
I did buy 50 lbs of potatoes for 10 dollars from a nice old hispanic man on the side of the road.
Keeping it local.

anywhoozle.
I was listening to christian radio the other day.
And was cleaning..
kind of half in and half out with the listening..
When something the preacher said made me say WHAT!
Luckily he repeated that..
he said
"I repeat, It isn't striving with passion toward your goal that burns you out...it's striving towards a goal you feel is UNATTAINABLE that burns you out."
(Don't you love it when that happens..you miss it and God knows it's important so he has the dude repeat it?!)
And BING.
lightbulb.
When did I run into my big old mucking around?
Really last july when I went back to michigan...
and then kept trying and trying.
When I got down to 145 and felt phhhhtttt.
what's the difference between 135 and 145.
It's never going to make my body 20 years old and perky.
and just like that BLAMMO.
Motivation kinked.
And it's true.
My body will never be a 20 year old body.
The time for that has passed.
But, I can be healthy.
AND...
I can win.
Over every bad thing that happened to me.
Over every fear.
Every mean comment.
Every moment when I thought they might be right..
That I will never again be as thin as I was when I was 19..
That isn't true.
I will be and I will be healthier..
It may not look the same.
It may all be a little further south.
That's okay.
Because my motivation isn't to be 20.
It's to be whole.
So figure out what your motivation is...
And make sure that it isn't unattainable...through weight loss.
Weight loss will not make you happy.
Get you the perfect boyfriend.
Make you rich.
Take care of your relationship issues.
IT will give you a sense of accomplishment.
It will give you a sense of health.
IT will give you a better quality of life.
To avoid workout and weight loss burnout...set your goals and make them attainable and relevant.
Chris out.
P.S. I am starting a little something I'll call "Letters to Omar'

Omar is my psuedo coach and the crazy booger who designed those workout programs I am using.
The omar who wants me to drink ALMOND MILK...
Almond milk isn't actually possible.
Almond being a nut and milk being something extracted from mammals.
And it took two stores to find it.
My letter to omar tonight...
Dear Omar:
If I can't find almond milk, Can I use butter milk? .
Sincerely,
Chris

Have a great night guys.

Full Body workout number 2...better.

2011-12-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

I cut those full body workouts by 1/3rd.
After that last full body workout I couldn't even walk the next few days.
Now, I am sore but am able to go to the gym tomorrow.
Sore is just another word for 'working'.
I will go grocery shopping tomorrow.
It is a biggie because I need a few things I don't normally get..
like iodized sea salt.
I just wanted everyone to know that I read your comments.
I always read the comments.
I don't always get time to comment on the comments because I don't always have access to t he computer.
But I do appreciate them and the people who read here.
The next few months should be very productive.
I hope you all had a great night.
I did.
Hang in there and keep plugging.
I will too.
Chris out.

Trauma, abuse and the fat shield

2011-11-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
This post was a long time coming.
I am writing this post because quite frankly, I can't not write this post.
This post's topic is the whole reason I had 130 lbs to lose.
This post is necessary because I see people daily who I know, and or suspect have a 'fat shield' for this very reason.
YOu don't get fat because you love lugging hundreds of extra pounds around.
You are eating to fill a void.
Don't bullshit me.
To fill a void or create a barrier.
Some people fill the void with other substances...
alcohol...drugs....whatever.
Some people create a barrier by being gregarious...funloving...but always at a distance emotionally.
I created a barrier through my fat.
You want to know why I don't weigh in anymore.
because even now....the lower weight creates a persistent feeling of dread.
I FEAR.
I fear being VULNERABLE.
I fear being VICTIMIZED.
I fear being NOTICED.
As my husband says: "He noticed me...nom nom nom."
When men notice me, I get very uncomfortable.
The lower my weight went..the worse it got.
The stasis over the last year has a lot to do with the persistent feelings of dread.
Simply keeping myself where I am has been a challenge.
So...
When I see someone who is morbidly obese and they can't figure why...why can't they let the weight go..
I know.
It's a shield to protect them.
Or it's a void that they are filling.
And they are wondering..
If I give up this comfort...or this shield.
What will I be getting in return.
I know what they will be getting in return.
I KNOW.
And still I struggle.
So don't think I don't understand.
Just because someone is now thin....Don't think they don't understand where you are.
I do.
I am going to finish this...
NOT in a grand eloquent way..
Like a ballet.
But hard till the finish.
I NEED to get to my goal weight.
When I say I do this to WIN...it isn't for a pants size.
It's so what happened to me does not define me in a negative way.
I have to do this so that I can PROVE that anyone can overcome anything.
EVEN BECOMING THE THING YOU FEAR WILL HURT YOU.
Because I know it isn't true.
so don't do this because you think it will give you a potential mate or children..
or a great ass.
or more money.
Do it for you...so you KNOW what you are capable of...
SO you can live a long healthy life, knowing you are in charge of nearly everything you put your heart and mind to.
If you are on the fence about this, do it.
It won't make you happy....but it will make you awake...
because you can't use your crutch
you will have to face your feelings.
You will have to face your fears.
You will have to face the results of your poor choices.
And then you will discover you can change them.
That the past is the past and the future is what you make of it.
For good or ill.
YOu can do this.
And so can I.
Love,
Chris

There is pain...and then there is this workout....

2011-11-28T20:04:00.001-07:00

okay..
this is what I did tonight at the gym...
The workout I thought was a little 'light duty' when I started...but soon discovered I was wrong?! well..
here you go.
single leg squats 10 reps each side
no rest
bent over row with barbell
12 reps
no rest
romanian deadlift with same barbell
12 sets
no rest
bench press
15 reps
no rest
swiss ball crunch
15-20 reps
90 second rest
then redo all of the above 2 more times..

Next set
reverse lunge
10 times each leg
no rest
bentover row (again!)
10 reps
no rest
forward lunge with one arm extended
10 per side
no rest
bench leg raise
10 reps
90 second rest repeat 2 more times

3rd set
sumo squat with dumb bell
12 reps
no rest
French press (triceps)
12 reps
no rest
barbell curl
12 reps
no rest
Mountain climber
15 PER SIDE
(30 total)
90 second rest...
and you guessed it...repeat 2 more times.

This whole thing is the first workout created by the little booger below.
Whom I was cursing by the time I finished.

I had better have an ass like an anvil when I am finished.
That's all I'm sayin'.
By the time I was done with this I was supposed to do 20 minutes of moderate exercise tha twould raise my heart rate to 115 to 120 beats per minute.
I hobbled around the track doing an impression of an invalid and completed 2 miles in about 45 minutes. lol.
Tomorrow I do sprints.
We shall see.
Wednesday is a 'different whole body workout'.
I just pray to God there are fewer squats and lunges.
That's all.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

ouch....that was hard!

2011-11-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

Hey all,
I went to the Gym and am currently sitting at 870 calories (aiming for 1500) and I did a ton of squats today. That was hard. I did 40 minutes of cardio and some ab work...mostly lower ab work...here, I will post some links to where I got the 'ideas'.

and

So when I got on the elliptical my legs felt like water...so I think It is working.
Now I am going to go have dinner and hopefully get to bed early.

Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

First day and focus

2011-11-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hey all, for the first few days I am going to be blogging quite a bit. I am taking this idea from King Al Klein...who lost bunches a very difficult way, but blogging was a way he could get through his day focused.
So my plan today...eat clean..
breakfast is egg whites green and red bell pepper and 1 oz mozzerella cheese and coffee with cream and splenda...
250 calories.
I am going to the gym this afternoon.
Hope you guys have a great day.
And Al, if you read this, where'd you go?
Chris out.

Just DO It...

2011-11-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

Well Folks,
I have been mucking about for about a year...content to float along above normal...
I was happy where i was...It was all good.
I am ready to get to the end of the weight loss portion of this journey.
I will weigh in on May 18th, 2012...
Three years to the day I started this journey.
Whatever weight I am at that time I will maintain.
I will have my friend take a picture..
The same friend who was with my when I first stepped on the scale.
There will be visual proof.
I weigh around 156-158...so weighing in isn't necessary.
I will weigh at the end.
The proof is in the numbers...
I'll post my calorie intake and my exercise burn.

I will be blogging daily like I did when I started.
Whatever is in my head will be on my blog.
It may be good, bad or indifferent...
But all my thoughts and frustrations and whatever will be there for the world to see.
So be warned, all ye recent readers....I can use foul language...
and when I go full bore I am hard core.
I am starting tomorrow.
If anyone else wants to jump in to get to goal, then we can be accountable to each other.
Jo, I know you aren't far....
It would be awesome if we finished together.
So...Here we go..
Hugs,
Chris.

little things

2011-11-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for little things.
For my yellow house.
For my pumpkin patch.
For my stupid Dog who is so gentle.
For my daughters..
One who is full of love for People.
and
One who is full of questions about life.
For my friends.
For my family...because I am not alone.
For my feather blanket.
For socks when my feet get cold.
For Christmas...because our savior came...And Easter, because our salvation was complete.
For my home church and all the good people there.
For being able to stay home to raise my kids.
For my van...even though my digital readout is spotty and my interior lights don't work.
For my ability to get my kids presents.
For my the 22 lb turkey in my fridge waiting to get baked.
For my health.
For my breath..
For my life.
For each minute I get to be here, when so many people don't.
For each heartbreak.
For each happy moment.
For all the little things.
God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving.
From the Oursler Family.

Rituals or Habits....

2011-11-19T23:17:00.004-07:00

Or whatever you call them..
Hey all, I had a pretty good week.
I exercised very consistently and am implementing a new toning regimen so that I don't burn out on exercise.
I am trying to make exercise a part of my life that is livable for the rest of my life.
Just like I am trying to make eating well a kind of habit.
OR ritual.
Whatever you want to call it...
I get the word 'ritual' from Tony Robbins.
He seems to be a love him or hate him type of guy.
I am actually neither.
lol.
I rarely Love Love or hate hate very many people.
I reserve it for people I know well.
So I observe him as a rather interesting fellow.
A person who says thing s that are fairly obvious but that we somehow forget to do..
Things like:
Do the small things and the large things will get in line.
Focus.
What you focus on is important.
HE does a little exercise where he says
Okay...turn around...find every brown thing in your line of sight...
brown brown brown...
do this for thirty seconds...
got it..
now really do it...look around and look for brown stuff...
I'll wait.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now...
Name every red thing you saw.
You don't remember any red things?
Right,
because you were focusing on brown.
The same goes for what you focus on daily.
Focus on fear, you'll be fearful.
Focus on gratitude you will be grateful.
etc.
He does little exercises where you think of things you are grateful for for a period of time....
then he wants you to note how your body is positioned...
Then he wants you to think of a time you were sad or failed.
IT's so when you need it, you can change your physiology to change your state of mind.
Which I do believe can work.
But physiology and changing your tape alone are not enough.
You need to build underlying habits that support your goals.
For instance.
When I was big....262 lbs.
I had a habit of going through fast food drive thrus.
I had a habit of drinking a grande white mocha with whipped cream whenever I went to starbucks.
I had a habit of having seconds and thirds for dinner.
I had a habit of watching television.
I had a habit of wearing clothes with no zippers.
Now that I am smaller
I don't go through fast food drive thrus.
I drink a tall americano with splenda
I have firsts...and that is all.
I cancelled my cable.
I have pants with a size in them.
I exercise daily...
before I never exercised.
Change your habits, change your life.

I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.

Half of the things you do you might as well turn over to me and I will do them - quickly and correctly.

I am easily managed - you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.

I am the servant of great people,
and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.

I am not a machine though
I work with the precision of a machine
plus the intelligence of a person.

You may run me for profit or run me for ruin -
it makes no difference to me.

Take me, train me, be firm with me, and
I will place the world at your feet.

Be easy with me and I will destroy you.

Who am I? I am Habit.

Tomorrow I will talk about the Time Factor.

Chris out.

Zumba...

2011-11-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

I tried it.
It was fun.
I went with my friend brooke.
She is the same person I climbed the cog railway with..
you know, you have all sorts of friends.
Friends that you talk with..
friends that you get advice from..
and then you have friends who say things like..
"Hey, let's go run with the Bulls."
That's brooke.

I am one of those people who likes to try new things as long as I don't have to think of them.
So...I would say
"You really want to do that?"
They'd say yes..
and I would say "well, I'll give it a go."
lol.
And I did.
showed up and she gets right in the front.
of course.
big ole mirrors.
And the lady doing the class busts out that kid and play stuff from the nineties...
yo yo.
stay in place running.
I was all H*ll no.
but I got into it..
the only time I actually felt ridiculous was when she had us put our hands behind our head and do pelvic thrusts.
and I almost wussed out.
Till I looked five peeps over and saw two 70 year old ladies burning it down.
And then I thought.
ohhhkay.
If they can, I can.
Apparently there is a zumba thon next saturday...
Think I will drop in on that.
do an hour to an hour and a half or so. lol.
Can't hurt.
calories in and good.
exercise in and good.
Have a great day.

Great New Blog...

2011-11-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hey guys...check this blog out....
http://changeisimminent.blogspot.com/2011/11/2048.html?showComment=1321130653427#c9136045836924240019

Change is imminent...this person just started and they need some support! They don't seem to have a follower button...But you could encourage them to add one! We all need all the help we can get. Have a great day.
Chris out.

What wondrous love is this?

2011-11-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

oh my soul oh my soul...
I was watching this and it occurred to me that today is veteran's day....
The lord lying in the arms of his mother...after fighting the good fight and overcoming death.
It reminds me of course, of the men and women who have died and the many empty arms of mothers and fathers...
And wives, and husbands, and children.
and brother's sisters and friends....
What manner of love resides inside the man or woman who lays down their life for their friend, their family, and their country.
Or the man or woman willing to should the need arise.
A wondrous love.
Worthy of reverence.
For that I thank them.
On this veteran's day.

Chris out.

let go of lies and fear...and embracing life.

2011-11-06T00:24:00.000-06:00

I would say of all the songs I heard on the radio when I was growing up...this is the one I remember playing over and over...and it is something that you don't understand when you are younger.

When you are young...this feeling is natural..
You feel sure of yourself.
You haven't lived long enough to really mess up.
To have regrets.
To be second guessed...
To have your mistakes effect the lives of others.
To be afraid.

On the other hand, when you are a child you are still held back by circumstances...
you are trained to set limits on what you can and can't do.
In a healthy environment..the limits are for a child's own good.
In a toxic environment, the limitations are a manifestation of a parent's own lack of self esteem and self percieved shortcomings...and when those people have children, even if they don't intend it..
they pass these self imposed limitations on to their children...
I have many positive things from my mother...
A 'no quit' attitude.
I learned to never complain, and to work hard.
I learned to be honest with myself and others.

and believe it or not, I have developed many good character traits from living with an abusive father.
I learned to seperate my worth from another's opinion or actions.
I learned that whatever anyone thinks of my worth as a human being, my worth is not weighed by the value placed on me by the people who surround me.
My value is based on God's love for me.
That makes me a person of infinite worth.
But,
I also developed self limiting beliefs...
Coming out of high school...there was the belief that college was for rich kids.
That a career in the arts was not a 'real job'.
For anything to be a real job, it had to be boring and hard and pay for shit.
I was taught that being feminine was 'wussy'.
To be 'equal' you had to be 'tough'.
So many of these things went against my true nature, that I supressed myself.
I am, by nature, a very sensitive person.
I like people.
For who they are...not the clothes they wear, not for the job they have or the car they drive...or the age they have attained or haven't attained.
In my mind, when I am looking at someone...whether it's an adult or a child...I see an individual and approach them that way.
YOu won't find me talking down to a child, or an elderly person, or a homeless person.
When I talk to people I want to hear from their heart and mind.
I want to know who they are...
And I want to judge them on their spirit....not their social status.
I do not feel the need to be validated in my life choices by people who have made similar life choices.

This makes me (and has made me) very different than many people over the years.
So I don't always fit in social settings.
I have never, not once wanted to discuss whether my car had a leather interior.
When the wholesale condemnation of an entire people group or activity comes winging my way in a conversation, I do my best to duck.
For by what measure you judge, you will be judged.
I always keep that in mind... cause I can just see jesus up there measuring out the judgement rod everytime I open my mouth to condemn someone...(he was a carpenter)

But I have learned to accept that not everyone approaches life this way.
The one good thing my childhood did for me was to teach me to differentiate between someone's opinion or perception of a situation..
and reality.
I learned early that another's opinion was just that..an opinion.
Or to use a crass phrase that was flung around my house:
"Opinions are like @ssholes, everyone has one."
What hurts my heart is to see other people accept the opinion of others as a correct one in spite of that person's own perception or grasp on a situation.
I have some relatives like this.
They are very sensitive, and take everything people say to heart.
Even if that person whose gums are flapping isn't worth spit.
I've seen it on blogs.
People popping off and laying down their version of the law when they have no concept of someone else's reality.
Compassion rarely fails.
Listening rather than talking will save you major embarrasment nearly every time it is tried.
So I am letting go of some lies I have held on to...
Lies and fears implanted in me by people who have their own opinions and limitations.
I can have a career in Art.
Being feminine doesn't mean you aren't strong.
Not caring about money is okay.
I can be as organized or disorganized as I want to be, I am not 'naturally disorganized'..organization is a skill, so I will achieve this skill.
My beginning doesn't determine my ending.
Other people's life decisions don't affect me...therefore they are none of my business and I won't discuss them.
I can learn to play the piano or learn to dance ballet whenever the frick I want...you don't have to be 10 years old to take lessons.
What are some lies that you have taken as your truth?
Even though, deep down you know it isn't you?
I was thinking...I am halfway to dead...37 years old.
How much of my life do I want to spend making other people comfortable?
How much time do I want to spend validating someone else's opinion or life choice at the expense of my own truth and happiness?
And how much do I want to spend being truly happy.
I say the rest of it.
Whatever I have.
Whatever God gives me.
Chris out.

Now let's see the Christmas decorations....

2011-11-01T18:59:00.000-06:00

Okay, Now that halloween is out of the way, I can stand the sight of Christmas trees. I don't know why these people feel the need to break this stuff out mid september...marketing I guess.

It's november...this year has gone by quickly.
I have been doing alright with hottification...but have realized something.
I have gone too long with a kind of diet mentality...
In that I still eat outside of what the kids eat...
and since my husband is dieting (and doing very well I might add)
Its us two and those two...
I guess I am just sick of feeling like I have to get somewhere quickly when there is no such rush.
When I started I was content to get to a great weight slowly..
Somewhere around the last 20 lbs you lose your mind and want it quickly..
and this is where a lot of people seem to flub up.,
Instead of letting it come off like the rest came off.
Instead of seeing it as a permanant change..
You lose your MIND and think...If I just cut it to 1400 and exercise 6 days a week....I will be there in thus and such a time.
(you know, that mentality that caused you to FAIL so many times before.)
Instead of saying...okay, let's focus on how I intend to eat and exercise for the rest of my life.
every set back can be viewed as a failure.
oy.
I am still learning.
learning how to eat like a normal person.
I am still using that night creme for wrinkles and it seems to work.
I am just focusing on integrating my life and my eating and my exercising.
I know I will never have a perfect balance..
But I also know that you have to shake up the exercise and eating everyonce in a while or you will die of boredom.

So, I am getting there.
Hope all of you are doing well.
Chris out.

learning through trials

2011-10-30T13:38:00.000-06:00

I think this says it all...
Chris out.

when fates are linked...

2011-10-29T13:29:00.000-06:00

Have you ever sat down and really thought about why you should forgive somebody...
You say things like "It's for you, not them."
or
Don't let things like that eat you up...
or
Forgiving allows you to let go...
So, I have forgiven for those reasons...
But quite frankly, it felt hollow and incomplete.
I have been having serious thoughts about forgiveness lately...
and sometimes I think God links people through a series of actions to teach them about life.
Or about a truth in life.
My abusive step father and I are linked in ways I can't quite figure.
But I know forgiveness is a big part of it.
Not just for me, but for him.
I once saw something pretty amazing.
I was watching the green river killer...I don't think you know that guy...or if you do, you are a big follower of the news like I am.
He murdered a lot of young women.
And as one person after another got up and condemned him you couldn't see a thing on that guys face.
Not a flinch.
Nothing but words like killer, scumbag...it didn't make a dent.
Then a man stood up and said "I forgive you, just like Jesus forgave me..not only do I forgive you..but I love you."
The killer started crying.
And I started thinking about why forgiveness would make him cry.
Those people probably didn't say anything he hadn't said to himself...he had probably called himself all sorts of names...or at least had heard it enough so that it wasn't surprising.
But love...
undeserved love...
I doubt that guy had ever had someone give him unconditional love.
Just like you can take anything but kindness when you are right on the knife's edge when it comes to stress....You can take people being a holes...people cutting you off...people bailing.
But have some lady pull you aside while your toddler is screaming her head off and you are trying to mail a package to your husband who has been deployed for 9 months..and instead of her saying something like:
"Could you get your screaming brat out of here?"
Instead she says "Oh hon, thank you for your sacrifice...why don't I take her over here and play while you send your package"...
and you get so overcome you have to leave and cry...
Because it allows you to feel, instead of put up a wall.
So maybe forgiveness is the beginning, and compassion and love is the key that unlocks the ability to feel...and when that person feels forgiven they can forgive.
Maybe that is what Jesus meant when he said
I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
the forgiveness is an act of the will...a sacrifice of your feelings of vengeance.
To have compassion and love means to have mercy.

Because the pain that was visited on me didn't originate with him...or even his father's father.
There is a reason it's called a cycle of violence.
The only way to break the cycle of anger and hate is to counter it with love, not a void.
What it takes is It's opposite...
To stop at sacrifice...and not extend to mercy...
I think it's good...
but it's not enough.
not for me.
It's the extra mile.
Which is why, even after I had called and told him I forgave him....he was defensive.
He could sense the judgement within the forgiveness...
But if you could reach out to someone with love....
What then?
I just need to figure out how.
Those are my thoughts for the day.
Chris out.

Who I am doing this for and...Thanks!

2011-10-21T19:11:00.000-06:00

Thank you guys for all the great snack suggestions...I love cabbage..so I may end up making 'mexican coleslaw' with green bell peppers for a night time snack. Anything to get through. By the end of the night I really am low on calories...or right at the edge...and if I am too hungry, I can't sleep.
I am a night owl. It's just the way I am. I have always been this way.
I went to the gym today...I have been weighing daily and am feeling good about my progress.
I sometimes have to remind myself that it takes time...
The last 20 pounds are harder than the first hundred and 10.
I don't know why.
Maybe that's why it's been such a long hard row this last year.
You are almost where you want to be, but not quite.
And some times you realize that even with every effort you will not look like some of those young, perky things flitting around the gym.
So you put in maximum effort and end up with mediocre results.
But I guess that is when you have to accept reality and move forward regardless.
Because it isn't about anyone but you.
And you owe it to yourself to do your best...FOR YOU.
So...I go on.
Knowing I look better than I did three years ago...that I have expanded my life in so many ways and that I am no longer simply existing...but able to really enjoy things.
Have a great night guys...
Hugs,
Chris

What are some good late night snacks for the calorie conscious?

2011-10-20T21:56:00.000-06:00

okay..
I need some hints..
When it's 10 at night and I am very hungry I need good low calorie options.
So far the only great snack I have come up with is celery dipped salsa.
Any other sorts of cravings are harder to fix at 50 calories or less...like salty crunchy.
Chocolate-y etc.
What are some of ya'lls favorite low cal snacks?

I went to the gy m and did lower body weights and a four mile walk.
My husband went with me.
It was fun.
I don't have much to type tonight.
I am going to try and get to bed early cause I 'don't want to eat'.
Have a great night guys.
Chris otu.

"FAT" according to whom?

2011-10-18T20:00:00.001-06:00

Hello,
I have been thinking... which can be lethal in a bad mood...
I have been taking pics of my face...of my body.
And
I am Trying to improve them.
To my satisfaction.
I have to tell you people...I am glad I have a strong mind.
Because reading some of the comments about stars and their supposedly 'fat' bodies..
I can see why young girls become anorexic.
It's disgusting.
I was catching whiffs of how 'fat' Christina aguilera had gotten...
so I looked it up.
I was expecting a 50 pound gain by the way they kept going on and on...
Except she was not a size 16 or 20....
This is her.... 'fat'.

I think they mean P.H.A.T. (pretty, hot, and thick.)
After that little discovery I ran across This!
http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/celebrity_photos/not_fat_celebrity_weight_gain_controversies_nME1Kj1Tzh9NfuROFF7J4J?photo_num=1

Do any of those women look fat to you?
Me either.
I weighed in today at 157.
That is a one pound loss.
And I am proud of it!
I am still trying to lose weight...
to get to a healthy weight.
Not to become a stick figure or a walking skeleton.
And for comparison...
Demi moore last night.

When your head is bigger than your pelvis, it's time for a burger.

What lessons are we teaching our boys and girls?

Guys are all over the place talking about how fat Christina Aguilera is...

So are a lot of girls.

Heck, even kelly osbourne called her fat.

She is tops an 8....probably less than that.

Just looking at her, she is still a healthy weight.

It's ridiculous.

We need to stop buying into the culture of anorexia.

And we need to embrace being healthy.

Women need to stop lynching each other in the press.

That would be a good start.

That's all,

Chris out.

Hottification..day whatever...gettin rid of wrinkles...lol

2011-10-17T19:02:00.000-06:00

So, it's monday and I thought I would post.
I have been working out 6 days a week and eating well (except for saturday where I had one too many homemade tortilla chips and salsa bowls. lol)
I noticed the other day that I have lines around my eyes and forehead...
well, I noticed these before...but one is starting to look like it's carved across my forehead.
So, as you can imagine...I have been paying attention in stores.
I have no wish to shoot botulism into my face, so I thought I would try less extreme measures to 'ease' the look of wrinkles...
So I am trying this:

So, My first go was last night.
I am not supposed to see any difference for a month or so..
When and if I do...Or don't as the case may be...I'll let you know.
No B.S.

I have also decided to cut 'real' chocolate out of my diet for the next month. I have been eating way too much, even if I do keep it within my calorie count. It's better to eat something that will be nurturing to my body.
I burned 700 calories on my workout today.
elliptical and situps and upper body weights.
I really am all in at the gym.
And I am all in on my rest day.
No short walk...nothing.
Just rest.
Well...that's all for now.
Have a great night guys.
Talk to you later.
Chris

Ogled by a hippy? Same as:__________

2011-10-12T20:27:00.000-06:00

well, day 3 here..and I had another great day of eating and exercising.
Luckily I also have 2 and some odd years behind me to tell me that while today was great,
tomorrow might suck. So I was getting all I could out of the deal.

And I got half way through my workout tonight when I was ogled by a dude that looked like:

Larry from dharma and greg...

Which of course reminded me of that day in my life when my weight loss efforts paid off and I was ogled by a redneck....

Yes, I had a flashback.

lol.

Which means I ~~definitely~~ need to lose 20 lbs.

He didn't just ogle...he glanced...He puffed...

He walked by 5 or 10 times.

Which means, in his mind...we were sympatico.

Of a kind.

That took the steam out of my workout for about 5 or 10 minutes.

But I talked myself through it. lol.

Let's make it a motivator, shall we?

So, I took starting photos and would like to post them and have indeed, tried twice to no avail.

ahhh well.

I will try again tomorrow.

so, 1650 calories consumed..

650 calories burned.

Net caloric deficit...580.

Not too bad.

Have a great night guys!

Chris out.

facing the scale...weight and measurements...

2011-10-11T19:36:00.000-06:00

Hey all,
Hows it going?
As you all may now realize...I haven't weighed myself since, oh...about January. lol.
I knew my pants were a bit tight...but I felt pretty good.
Well, I still feel okay...but the weight was a bit of a surprise..
Which it shouldn't be considering I have been a bit fast and loose with the calories.
But kept exercising but would have on program days and off program days.
Those off program days add up.
I weigh 158.
That's up from 146. something or other.
I would say ouch...but sister...I 've been worse.
Weighing in is an excellent way to right your ship of illusion. lol.
I also took my measurements.
Boobs: 38 inches
waist: 32 inches
hips: 40 inches
Thighs: 23.5 inches (and the bane of my existence
calves: 15 inches.
So there it is...Now to have someone take a pic and post it.
At least I have loads of room for improvement.
lol.
On the upside I had a fabulous hair day and I love the gel eyeliner I have purchased.
I worked out in my bruce springsteen t shirt and ate my allotted calories..
So Day 2 of my hottification went incredibly well.
Beauty tip of the day:
When applying eyeliner...go UP at the end of the eye or you will end up looking old and sad.
That was a direct quote from the young lady applying her eyeliner. lol.
also...sparkly eyeshadow pulls out hidden wrinkles...(good for those of us over 35 to keep in mind?.
so...
hottification completely underway.
Day 2 complete.
next weigh in and measurement
Next Tuesday...It's as good a day as any.
Hugs,
Chris

The most shallow post in the history of blog posts....

2011-10-10T20:23:00.000-06:00

well howdy all,
I have been th inking lately that it is hard to summon enthusiasm for the day in and day out of weight loss.
I have been doing it for a while.
A long while.
I am relatively healthy.
relatively thin.
Relatively happy.
I still have about 20 lbs to lose.
Yeah.
Not there.
But not uncomfortable.
So how do I shift it into high gear.
After a certian point...all the heavy duty lifting is done.
I have cleaned my chicken coop.
fixed my mental deformities...and dealt with the rest.
I am happy.
So How do I get up the gumption to get a smaller rear?
Well folks..
There is only one reason to do it.
to look hot.
or HAWT.
lol
The last 20 pounds are vanity pounds.
Oh, I know I am 'overweight"...
but my bloodpressure is fine...I can exercise an hour a day..do 100 situps.
I lift.
There is nothing left but the superficial pride in having a smaller @ss.
It's just that simple.
So fine.
Superficial it is..
I am calling this "Project Hawtification'.
(Or Hottification as deliberate misspellings irritate me.)
Over the next six months I will be taking my measurements...my weight....and everything else..
and I will be trying to make it look better.
That's it.
No deep seated meaning other than..."How does my rear look in these pants?"
Is my skin clean and shiny?
Do my teeth blind you?
lol.
Every day I will focus on proper nutrition...exercise....and finding what shapes and colors suit me.
I have never bothered really till now.
That stuff kids figure out in high school...
What haircut looks best.
What colors.
What suits them.
Well...By the time my 38th birthday rolls around...I want to look the best I've ever looked.
Then we will see what I do from there.
Will it be fun?
I am sure it will be.
Fulfilling?
um...lol.
Probably not...
But every once in a while..it's okay to just have fun.
Chris out

Is anyone having issues viewing my blog?

2011-10-07T12:21:00.003-06:00

Just wondering..I have lost 6 followers in two days. Now I expect that on obnoxious days...but this is strange. Not sure what's going on?

It's never too late to lose weight...

2011-10-06T20:14:00.000-06:00

Right now I am going to tell you about a moment I had...
It was about 6 months before I decided to do what I could to be healthy...
It was a moment that was very painful.
My husband and I had a very honest discussion about weight.
(This is not put on here as an opportunity to take pot shots at my hubby...he was being honest in a way a lot of men never are..)
He said He was having a hard time seeing past my weight and he didn't find me attractive.
He would never have said it if I hadn't pushed...and those of you who know me irl know I am a persistent bugger. (my nickname amongst my husband and children...the badger...nuff said)
He said it, I cried.
But I was strangely relieved to have it out in the open.
I don't like the murky beneath.
Rip that sucker off and let the puss out.
The thing is...even though he said that, I knew he would never cheat...He loved me.
He is a good man.
So it went ring round in my head...I will always be fat, and he will always be with a wife he doesn't find attractive.
He said alot of positive things about me...that I was hard working, and practical and honest, and moral and a good friend, and all that.
(in my mind "like a plowhorse' was a thought that popped up)
But that isn't what a wife wants to hear from her husband...
So that night I went upstairs and got on the 600 dollar treadmill that was a relic from a past weight loss attempt...
I got three minutes in and simply quit.
I started crying so hard I couldn't stand up.
And I knew I would always be fat.
I felt that to my very soul.
That I was too tired to make it.
I took every article of clothing from my treck up the scale...the old 9's and 10's...the 11's, 12's, and 14's...(there were no 16's and 18's).....
And I gave them all to goodwill.
I gave up.
flat out.
December 2008...if you would have met me, I would have said "color me fat."

I decided to work on being happy..
on asserting myself.
On respecting myself right where I was.
And It worked pretty well..
Because 5 months later my brain was open to recieve a much needed message.
That message.
I am too smart to be this fat.
I deserve better.
I deserve to be healthy.
I had to get my mind right.
Accept who I was..
And that someone was not my fat...my fat was my unwelcome visitor...
A symptom.
Not me.
I had to like who I REALLY was enough to feel that I deserved the time and effort and inconvenience it would be, and say 'screw it'...I am going to make me healthy ...
and then I could move.
At that point...I didn't care who thought I was or wasn't attractive.
I was doing it for me.
I wanted to prove to ME that I had as much stamina as bambi in the mall in her size 2 dress, looking down her twitchy nose at me while I sucked on my starbucks.
If a shallow twit could pull off skinny...then a thinking person can.
I knew it was a mind game.
I knew that my previous attempts were all about five months from now..
YOu know what you do..
five months from now I will be a size ____.
A year from now I will be skinny!
I knew that I couldn't do that.
Because we live in Today.....And five months from for a food addict, under constant temptation....
It doesn't work.
I also knew stepping on a scale right then would simply plow me under...so I waited.
I threw away that coffee right then.
Went home, prayed..
Got up the next day and set a simple calorie cap..
And took a 1 mile walk.

I weighed in two weeks later at 262.4 lbs.
and it still nearly threw me...
But I said "you don't do it now...and you will be 362 a year from now".

So I said 1 day at a time.
1 pound at a time.
Who can do 130 lbs!
NOBODY.
Who can do 1 lb.
EVERYBODY!
Who can do a year of this?!
NOBODY.
Who can do one day?
EVERYBODY.
One day one day one day one day one day...
And then you look back, and it's been 600 days.
one pound one pound one pound one pound...
and you look back and it's one hundred pounds.

And one day your husband looks at you and says
"You look pretty'...and while that isn't what you do it for...it feels good.
Because you want to...
And you look down at the body you thought would always be fat and feel sick and realize...
I did it.
This isn't a dream...the dream you have as you sit on your bed wondering what it is like to be thin...
because you CAN cross your legs....tie your shoes...walk 5 miles...turn some heads.

It's never too late as long as you have a today.

Hugs,
Chris

What I didn't eat today....

2011-10-04T20:15:00.000-06:00

Hey all,
A lot of times, it isn't about what you eat...it's about what you don't eat.
actually, with food addicts..the number of time food crosses your mind would be about the same as the number of times sex crosses the mind of your average 17 year old male...about 20 times a minute.
Especially when you are in weight loss mode, have just finished your workout and are at the grocery store to pick up two or three items you are out of....and
you walk by your latest fixation.
caramel covered in chocolate.
And you know you have the 250 calories you could invest..
but you also know that sugar is a huge trigger for you....
as is caffeine..
and chocolate has both.
So, you pass it up....
And then you think about the tostadas you will be eating for dinner...
with brown rice and lean ground beef and some cheese.
the 2 percent kind.
But for a moment your mind flits to a big chunk of medium cheddar...and you think..
man...a couple of hunks of that and some french bread...
oh yeah!
lol.
Then...oh no! because with that combo..there is no way in heck you are only ingesting 600 calories..
more like a thousand by the time you are through (if you include the butter and the grapes....and the huge amount of bread I can ingest when I am hungry)
bread is another trigger..as is cheese.
So I skip the hunk..get the 2 percent shredded and on the way out, pick up one individually wrapped brach's orange slice which I savor on my way to the car.
So today...I have kept my calories under 1600...(as I did yesterday)
because of what I didn't eat.
I have also burned 650 calories and 400 calories on respective days.
It's two days...
of good on program eating and good on program exercise.
but tomorrow, today doesn't count.
And only tomorrow will matter.
What I do or don' t do tomorrow.....They all add up.
It takes two days to make 5 and 5 to make 30 and 30 to make 100.
Day in and day out.
But don't think about that..
Just do today.
Chris out.

A chimera of superiority.

2011-10-04T00:04:00.000-06:00

I do wonder sometimes, What it is people see when they see their fellow man.
I think many times, the judgement that flows so freely from people is due to ignorance.
It is easy to judge when you have never stood in a person's shoes.
Easy to feel superior.
To say...I would never stoop to ______.
You pick it.
I see it every day.
How could she _____....I would never.
Really?
Have you ever been put in that situation.
I read what can only be termed a disgusting comment.
A person was irritated because the mother of a terminally ill child asked for help.
This person said "If you can't take care of your children, you shouldn't have had them."
This was obviously a fly by.
You know the type, troll and run.
Except they did it to a woman who is losing her child.
This commenter has never been to the point in her life where she had to ask for help.
Good for her.
When I was 30, I was in the same space.
I never thought I would get to a place emotionally that I would need someone to share my load.
A few years later, I knew better.
It's called compassion.
And life will teach it to you.
Give it time.
And here is what I wrote and I think it applies to situations big and small.
To that hooker you see on a corner.
To that fat lady in line at mcdonalds...
To the emotionally illiterate individual trolling the internet, seeking to feel a chimera of superiority...

We have no concept of what is going on in the lives of others...none.
There but for the grace of God Go I...
So this is what I wrote:

You have never had to ask for help lexy?
I pity you. It's one of life's great humbling moments...the day you discover that you aren't God, and even with every good intention and all the hard work in the world, somehow and somewhere life has brought you up short.
When you find you are incomplete in your wholeness and now must rely, not just on your friends..but On God as well. Or you would never make it through with your sanity intact. I know, I have been there. I have had hard times, my brother diagnosed with a terminal illness..my husband deployed four times to iraq, and a miscarriage...and I have been to the bottom emotionally, But.. I have nothing in my life that can compare to the PAIN it must be to wake up daily and watch your child suffer. No tank of gas, or gift card can bring back the years of living this child would have had. Whether anyone ever understands how many kids she has or doesn't have...it's not their concern. As friends, they are willing to help. Not judge. And By God, I hope you never stand in those Iron shoes, my friend.

So, as Christ said "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
As Christians...why aren't we out there extending mercy. This world needs it by the truckload.
Not one more uppity Christian with a need to lord it over others about how perfectly they have managed their lives...when really, it's the grace of God.
It's the three inches that seperated my daughter from a speeding 4 wheeler 4 years ago that saved me from being the mother of a dead child...it was my going to church and finding God at the age of 12, that probably saved me from promiscuity and a teen pregnancy....
The fact that I had A good man willing to work through the issues that life presented, that lived through all our separations, and survived ptsd and was willing to get healed from that, that saved my marriage from divorce.
Two healthy kids.
not merit, but Grace.
A home and a job.
Some merit, a lot of Grace.

So...don't think your perfect because your blessed.
Thank God.
Because your blessed.
Chris out.

Becoming the person you want to be...part 1

2011-09-30T22:01:00.000-06:00

I am giving up coffee.
This is as big as it sounds.
starting tomorrow I will be drinking tea...herbal tea.
Why?
I don't know...
Yesterday, I was driving in my van, and looked down and thought.
I am done with coffee.
I think it makes me want to eat.
I have insomnia.
I don't know if it is the caffiene or what...
But the thought went through my head.
I am giving up coffee.
And I didn't even feel a pang.
None.
No panic, no wondering.
I asked my oldest daughter "If you could wake up tomorrow and have the perfect day...what would it look like."
And she told me.
Now I am going to ask me the same question.
And figure it out.
A lot of things were taken from me when Iwas small...
and I don't know where I got the idea that I couldn't create the life I didn't have then, now.
But obviously I bought into it...the idea that for some things it is 'too late'.

You can start anytime, anywhere.
So I am starting tomorrow.
Hugs,
Chris out.

well...wake me up when september ends...

2011-09-29T00:19:00.000-06:00

got a tax bill today...apparently we underpaid in 2008.
by 200 dollars.
fun.
btw...in case you all were wondering, I am a conservative.
I am just done, done, done with the cretins in washington.
They aren't conservatives.
They are just politicians.
Heck...the more I think about it, I think I am less a conservative and more a
"get the hell out of my life" person.
My friend and I (who is, I think, a little more liberal than I am) were talking about the government the other day.
And on one side you have people who think they need to legislate morality.
And on the other side you have people who want to pick your pocket and take your money.
Both of them equal opportunity offenders.
I am not sure when we began handing our liberty over to a bunch of bureaucratic dipsh*ts
But I think it's time we stop.
Think about it...that 200 dollars I am going to send in to the government..
will it go to do anything positive?
or will it simply line the pockets of someone's special interest?
The latter, I believe.
And so..
A little something I do believe.

Good evening america,
The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
This is the last I will speak of this.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.

Captain obvious-Back from the abyss

2011-09-25T21:54:00.001-06:00

Chris is tired and ready to go to bed...So she thought she would let me...
Captain obvious-
Pinch Hit.
If she knew what kind of mood I was in, she never would have agreed.

But with her having popped a couple of unisom (and heading for la la land)
..and seemingly oblivious to my mental machinations...
I thought I would vent my spleen as regards presidential contenders and our 'news' organizations.

News...
We really shouldn't blame them...it's a general word...meaning..
"Information some moron thought important enough to type up and slap into either paper format and/or digital media."
The amount of Money and Time spent on said Americanized "news' is (or should be) criminal.
I sometimes read The Onion...
Its a fictional newspaper that is ~~often~~ sometimes more accurate than actual news.
Just like John Stewart and the daily show is ~~often~~ sometimes more accurate than ACTUAL "news".
For instance....

In which we find The Curious Case of the Invisible Presidential Contender.

Captain obvious finds this hysterically funny....and obnoxiously sad at the same time.

Captain obvious finds some of Ron's ideas kooky.
But, Captain obvious is so pissed at this obvious media bias right now, and It's tendency to Dumb Down our political discourse...
That captain obvious would be secretly delighted (Now not so secretly) to see the sheer terror and disorientation should the good doctor actually win...
So delighted, that he is contemplating voting for Ron Paul...if only Captain obvious can break free from the hypnotic allure of 'the Republican front runner's" luscious locks, rugged appeal, and pre packaged sound bites.

After this ad, the aliens invade and Rick Perry rolls up his sleeves, grabs his megaphone, and leads the world in defeating the invading horde.
Then there are stories like this one in which we learn that John Boehner, republican house majority leader ...sleeps well and is not angry, though we do discover later on in the 'news' article that he is not having "any fun".

Now that one I thought was an onion article..as it reminded me so much of this http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-begs-us-not-to-embarrass-him-in-front-of-fre,21068/)

Not to leave our (dis) honorable colleagues on the left out of this moron extravaganza....Harry Reed thinks so much of bike trails he thought he would slap it into the transportation bill..

On the same day John's relative health and happiness were being debated here in america,
This was the lead story in Israel...
Wherein we learn Israel has signed a peace treaty with greece and is on the verge of a war with turkey. Considering the muslim brotherhood takeover in Egypt, the palestinian unrest in the west bank...the Iranians who are on the verge of obtaining a nuclear weapon and syria who is outright murdering her people while we chase Qaddafi all over the lybian desert...I think we are on the precipice of another world war...
Not that our news is covering that; CAptain obvious feels that someday, we here in america will wake up and the world will be at war and we will think it's because Jersey Shore And The Kardashians are having a throwdown.
Obviously done,
Captian out

Getting angry doesn't solve anything.....

2011-09-22T11:09:00.000-06:00

Hello all,
how's it going.
I had a little something happen today that was a real clarifier.
Getting angry doesn't solve the problem..
In fact, anger can really inhibit a rational response.
Say you are angry because you are fat.
You look in the mirror and all the sudden you feel depression (anger turned inwards)....
That doesn't lead to weight loss, it usually leads to a binge.
Or
YOu feel angry.
Angry at yourself...
which generally turns to name calling, which turns to self hate..
which turns to your favorite drug of choice to numb yourself out...
food.
Or you are angry at your family.
You blame them for your being fat.
If only I didn't have to
A..B..or C...
I would be thin.
I would be healthy.
That's all Bullsh*t.
Getting angry about being fat..
or being in debt.
Of having your toilet overflow and leak into your garage because you didn't fix a handle..
well.
It does nothing.
Now all there is to do is to clean it up.
And it will take a long time.
So you had best get a good attitude and be happy.
And fix the small things so they don't become big things..
That five pounds, so it doesn't turn into 100 lbs.
...that 300 dollar credit car so it doesn't turn into 3000...
And the handle on the toilet that sticks...so it doesn't turn into an all day nasty fest of cleaning toilet water.

Chris out.

Glorious Pain and malware/virus security....

2011-09-20T20:54:00.001-06:00

Hey all,
Well, That malware thing...yeah.
I have never had that happen before and had no idea what to do or how to deal.
I started looking and there is this sight...
http://www.netchunks.com/how-to-check-for-malware-in-your-website-or-blog/

This gives you tons of scanners for your blog...if you go to dashboard and down to webmaster tools and click on that...(it's at the very bottom) It will tell you the status of malware, if your sight has been distributing malware etc.
I uploaded my blog...and after using This scanner
http://sitecheck.sucuri.net/scanner/
I was able to go through and remove the offending text.
Other hints to keep your blog safe was to keep your security stuff on your computer up to date..my husband uploaded the latest free avg security onto our computer which found a trojan virus...
make a password for your blog that contains at least 1 capital letter and 1 symbol like a question mark or something..
And update your blog frequently with the newest updates.

Now for the pain portion of this blog post...
I climbed THIS YESTERDAY...
My friend and I did it in an hour..And jogged down in an hour...
We'll be doing it again in two weeks.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done..you ascend, in one mile, nearly 2700 feet...there are around 4800 steps.
Three years ago, I couldn't walk a quarter mile on flat ground.
Getting out of bed was a chore.
My heels hurt,
My back hurt.
My heart would have palpitations just sitting.
I climbed that.
I sat down for two or three minutes.
Then I jogged three to four miles down.
Am I sore today.
Yes.
Am I proud
yes.
Did I go to the gym Today.
Yes.
Don't wait another minute to kick the shit out of life.
Chris out.

I fixed it!!!

2011-09-19T18:29:00.002-06:00

Yeah,
My blog is back up and functioning...
I will post tomorrow..
I climbed quite a hill today and am tired...so I will explain all that tomorrow.
Glad to be back.

Goodbye....

2011-09-16T20:23:00.000-06:00

Hey guys,
I am taking this blog private....and am going to try to save some of my archives...then I am going to construct a new website. After you read this scan your blog. I will come back when I can...maybe in a week or two at a new destination.
See ya when I see ya.
Hugs,
Chris

bloggy break....

2011-09-16T09:17:00.001-06:00

Hey guys,
Apparently I am getting some sort of malware notices...or something.
I am going to be on hiatus for a while to sort this out. I don't want to infect anyone with anything.
I may end up moving my blog...we'll see.
I hope not.
Talk at you later.
Chris out.

attitude of gratitude...

2011-09-15T20:10:00.000-06:00

well, I have been shlumping about quite a bit lately.
blah blah got no money..
So I thought I would make a list of everything I am grateful for.

1.) I have everything I NEED.
I have food, clothing, and a roof over my head.
Heck, I have more than I need. I have different
kinds of clothes...I have exercise clothes, I have a jacket and a winter coat. I have dress shoes and tennis shoes etc.

2.) I am actually 5'4...not 5'3.5 (Just found this out at the doctors....lol) Which puts my normal weight a little higher! yeah me!

3.) I have two beautiful children and a husband who have a good attitude about paying down debt and not spending money.

4.) It's been raining like crazy so I don't have to water my garden (hence saving on my water bill).

5.) I have brothers whose weddings I may miss, but who I am close to.

6.) I have a mother who cared enough to work and take care of us while we were growing up.

7.) I have my health..except for the ear...which is getting better.

8.) I have good friends.

9.) I still have my dog even though my cat ran off.

10.) I don't have to buy pumpkins, because we have grown some biggun's in our back yard.

What are you grateful for?

I burned 640 calories today.
I am in some physical distress but otherwise fully functioning...a little sore.
But, hey...it's nothing to compare to boot camp.
Today was a good day to be alive.
God bless.
Chris out.

exercise for da po' folk (and songs for the putz)

2011-09-13T19:33:00.001-06:00

Hello,
Well, I didn't get to go to my brother's wedding because I didn't have the money.
That was irritating.
alright.
that upset me.
You know why I don't have money.
debt.
duh.
lol.
don't we all...
But besides current monthly expenses being ridiculous...we have debt that eats our money every month.
car payment, mortgage payment and college loan...That's it, but those are some doozies.
And I am tired of debt..
So I am going to pay it off.
That means I am 'poor on purpose'.
That means saying no alot.
to me.
to the kids.
to everyone.
and that's okay.
but...if going to the gym is going to be a rare thing...
what ever shall I do?
well...
a little something I like to call 'exercise for da po' folk'.
lol.
Today I did a 6 mile ruck march.
Funny how the army didn't need a gym membership to get me into shape.
I don't want to spend money on gas to the gym till I need it...(november/December?)
So I will jog and ruck march and do free weights at home.
It costs no gas money.
And it is hard.
And it works.
so...six mile ruck 3 days a week plus toning Tuesday, thursday and saturday ...
1 mile jog with 100 modified pushups and situps monday wednesday and friday,plus 3.5 mile ruck at night.
For the next 8 weeks.
Kind of like boot camp.
And like bootcamp...I have my first blister.
Go me.
Chris out.

real hunger vs. emotional hunger

2011-09-11T20:47:00.001-06:00

I was thinking on this today..
mostly because I didn't want to think on today.
September 11th.
I was going to write about it...but to this day the main emotion is rage.
impotent rage.
yes, sorry for the people who died...that is the main source of the rage.
The pain and fear they faced as they died.
Yes, amazed at the people on flight 93..
but my whole set up is fight fight fight.
That day nearly made me rejoin the army.
It took my mom to talk me out of it.
So I thought of it...and realized little could be said without a liberal use of profanity.
I don't see lessons to be learned unless it's this....live each day as if it's your last..
because you never know when some scum sucking piece of trash is going to have the urge to take innocent people, and use them and the plane they are on to murder other innocent people.
So to the victims
Rest in peace.
To the families...I will never forget.
moving on.

I was thinking on how to distinguish emotional hunger from real hunger.
And I finally got it.
Emotional hunger never wants a bowl of spinach
So the next time you are tempted to eat at 9 at night say...
"I can have any kind of veggie I want, but no ranch dressing, no cheese on top...just veggies.
And then see if the 'want to' still overwhelms you.
If it does, I say "Eat UP!" lol.
If it don't I say...give it a pass.
Did good today.
Hope you all did as well.
Chris out.

what it means to be thin.....

2011-09-07T00:09:00.000-06:00

I started thinking about this when someone posted a comment asking me to talk about what it feels like to be on the other side of the thin wall.

Well, It's hard to explain.
Because much like being on the other side...You forget what it's like to not be the way you are now..
You remember in a kind of distant, hazy way...
But not like you are living it day to day.
You see...
There are things that are no longer a reality for me.
Things like:
Laying in bed at night and imagining what it would be like to be thin.
Then crying because you 'know' it will never happen...you are doomed to be fat.
Not wanting to go up the stairs to retrieve something because it sounds (and is) too tiring.
Trying to skip out on going to the zoo because you know you are going to pay for it the following day when you can barely stand, because the pain in your feet is epic.
Being afraid of going to the movie theater because you might not fit in the seat...
Feeling like every fatty piece of food that passes your lips is some sort of proof of your inability to get it together.
Being ignored in stores when trying to get help with an issue.
Getting nasty or disgusted stares from men.
It doesn't happen anymore.
So I decided to go back to some of my earlier posts....
when one section really leapt out at me..
In fact, it made me cry for the person I used to be...

All of us fat girls know this, we make up for our weight by using humor, being accomodating, and putting ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. We put ourselves down before anyone else does. We make Jokes at our own expense that say "See, you don't have to feel bad, I know I am fat...I'll be the funny one, the nice one, the one who listens to everyone's problems while stuffing down my own with food. I don't want to get in anyones way, I am not worth taking up anyones time, even my own.". Let me get out of the way, make the cookies for the bake sale, listen to you drone on about your gout, accept backhanded compliments with grace, and not be a nuisance. Let me try to fit my exercise around your likes, dislikes, dinnertimes, dance class, piano lessons, phone calls, errands and cleaning. If I can find the time I will get myself healthy, if not, well then...that's okay because everyone else is happy and that's what matters.

See all that.
I don't do that anymore...not ANY of it.
In fact...I look in the mirror and like what i see...yes, even naked.
I can walk for miles...and love the zoo...we go all the time.
I walked my kids into the dirt on the last family hike.
If someone says something mean or hurtful, I don't just accept it, internalize it and then eat it.
I tell them how I feel about it.
Man is THAT liberating.
Oh, I still take my kids around...
But I make my exercise a priority.
I make me a priority.
And as a result...my motivation for doing nearly everything has changed from have to, to want to.
From operating from a place of deficit and less than.
To operating from a place of love and self worth.
I didn't just get thin.
I got happy.
Because I deserve to be happy.
That was my biggest realization.
Because I am enough and though I may have moments of self doubt, they don't hang aroun d like they used to....
I am worth the time and effort, and so are you.
That is what it means to lose weight and grab hold of your health, and to reverence your life.
So hang in there.
It's worth doing.
Hugs,
Chris

The End of Summer

2011-09-05T20:14:00.001-06:00

I can feel it.
It's in the breeze when I sit on my front porch.
It's in the feeling you get when you take a walk and the sun is heading for the horizon early.
It's the feeling that has an echo.
The echo of all the other summers that slid away.
Today It made me melancholy.
I was watching the sun set and I decided to go up and get my girls an ice cream.
And as we drove back we turned up the radio and sang along.
And I remembered..
The summers I would go down to 8 point lake and swim and then drip dry in the sun.
When the tigers won the pennant in 84.
The summer I was 16 and thought my heart was broken by a boy named ellery...

ellery.
lol.

The summer I spent as a counselor in Training.
listening to a guy named steve play the guitar while we sang along..
and then lay under the stars for hours just talking.

The four summers I worked at the barn, riding horses and goofing off.

The summer before I joined the army spent cruising up and down main street in clare for no other reason than that there was nothing to do...
and then getting a marriage proposal and realizing that i was on the verge of making big decisions...Knowing that marriage to that particular person was not in my deck of cards...
and the weekends I spent just riding my bike tither and yon.

I wonder what my kids will remember from their summers.

Have a great night,
Hugs,
Chris

Till I collapse

2011-09-01T23:38:00.001-06:00

Hello.

Back from my self imposed exile.
You all must think I love exercise.
I do it enough.
But I hate it.
I really do.
I like the way it makes me feel.
I love the benefits.
I have no urge to make it fun.
Because you know what I hated more than I hate exercise.
Knowing that of all the people that had abandoned me and hurt me over my life..
I had hurt myself more than all of them combined.
And self induced pain and shame is something I hate more than a little exercise.
The hour or two I spend every day making sure it never happens again.
Worth it.

I remember once being around 190 lbs...
My heart started racing and I felt light headed.
and I thought:
"I am going to drop dead on this stupid machine."
The following thought was...(because this is how my mind works.)
"She died doing what she hated."
lololol.
The follow on thought to that was...
"But at least I died trying."
and I kept going.

So, I was listening to this song today...I love eminem.
I get him and he would get me if he knew me.
And man...It's what I have felt like sometimes.
Really all through my life.
And
As I was sitting in church on Sunday contemplating the notion of spiritual gifts (and still trying to figure what mine was or is)
When it came to me.
I finally realized what spiritual gift I have.
I am a fighter.
Always have been...
I do it naturally.
Quitting is a foreign concept.

But
Trying to lose that last 10-20 lbs.
It has been a struggle.
To balance weight loss and life.
Feeling myself pulled in 20 different directions.
But if there is one thing I have learned.
A divided mind is a mind easily conquered.
You have to know your purpose.
And
Be willing to pay any price.
I am willing now.
I have decided to give a good hard run at it these last four months of this year.
See where I get if I 'apply' myself.
So, hard core never hurt...
In fact, it works.
When irresistable force meets moveable object.
Irresistable Force Always Wins.
You aren't a failure till you quit.
I am no quitter.
I'm going to finish this.
Chris out.

When you feel like a failure....

2011-08-29T21:04:00.000-06:00

I have been in a weird mood lately...which has probably come across in online comments. lol.
You ever do that?
Struggle with something personally and it skews your perspective.
Well.
I still feel like a complete and utter failure sometimes.
I know..
When do I get to feel like a winner!
Well...
even if you lose tons of weight..sometimes you still have the voice in your head screaming
FAILURE!!!!
It bothers me when I see kids my daughter's age playing the piano (10)
I can't do that for her.
It bothers me that my house is a mess.
I feel like I chase the mess around the house.
The only thing I feel great about right now is homeschool.
Do you ever feel like you try and try and try and you are still not up to snuff?
Not thin enough.
Not active enough in church.
Not well dressed enough, neat enough, etc.
Well.
I just keep thinking that If I could stumble across the exact plan that will make everything fall into place.
My stress will melt away.
lololol.
um.
right.
It all came to a head a week ago when I was nitpicking my husband about his sock drawer.
I wanted it NEAT.
lol.
I asked him to please straighten it so I would know what went where.
He gave me a hard time.
I gave him a hard time.
And when that argument was over...I realized I had attacked him because I felt out of sorts.
And, instead of focusing on ME...it was easier to point out another's flaws and 'fix' them.
I need to focus on me, on my home.
I need to get at least some of my crap together.
my homeschool organizer and my bill book and a basic cleaning plan (which went out the window with canning and homeschool)
I am not a failure.
I just have a lot on my plate.
So I am cutting myself some slack.
I will get back to you on the first.
Have a good two days guys.
Hugs,
Chris

sabbatical

2011-08-27T16:13:00.002-06:00

Hey all,
I'll be back on monday.
I have a looooooot of work to do.
But will fill you in Monday.
Hope all is well with you guys.
Hang in there.
Chris out.

A whisper of GoodBye...

2011-08-25T21:49:00.000-06:00

My oldest daughter is at a three day retreat....
She is 17...soon to be 18.
The years went by so fast.
I remember still, holding her when she was first born...and being terrified.
I was only 19.
And all I could think was:
I am responsible for her life...
for good or ill, what I do will mold her future.
And I knew that I had to lay down anything and everything
and pick up the mantle of mom.
I had to be what she needed.
And I watched her grow.
I taught her to read and write and to do her sums.
I taught her to face things head on and love herself.
All so that someday,
She could let go with no fear and meet life head on..
and she is going....
She forgot to call tonight, probably because she was having too good a time to remember.
And while part of me was sad.
I remember being her age.
What it felt like to be encompassed in my own space.
And part of me felt free with her.
And was happy.
It was a preview of next August.
When she leaves to begin her own life.
A whisper of a Good bye.
It made me both glad and sad.
So this is what it feels like.
To be a mother.
And let go.

create a new truth....

2011-08-23T20:50:00.000-06:00

Truth.
I was talking to my oldest about this concept yesterday.
What is it...etc.
We both agree that there IS an objective truth outside of people's perceptions...A truth that doesn't disappear simply because we wish it were different.
But we both agreed that perception is reality.
How you view anything will skew how you deal with the problem or opportunity at hand.

For instance...
For years I knew...KNEW...I was fat...obese.

Whatever you want to call it..
fluffy..
round...
chubby...
pleasantly plump....

But I dismissed it.
Mostly because every time I attempted to deal with it I would run into the process of weight loss with a combination of dread and magical thinking.

My goals went something like this:
I am going to be hot(t).
I am going to fit into a size ____
and
I will eat 1200 calories and exercise every day till I get there.

It became a kind of long form punishment for my eating "sins".
I deserved to suffer because I had been lazy and a glutton.
So, Now it was time to starve and exercise.

Which for me is not realistic.
But, No matter how many times I tried this approach and failed...I never questioned the approach..
only my lack of 'will power'.
Each new attempt built a wall of inevitability.
That I would always be fat.

Then in 2005 I thought I had found my cure all.

I thought that if only I could eat low carb...
and I lasted six months...on induction.
(which is NOT how you do atkins)
I lost 30 lbs...
and I cracked.
I ate every carb in sight and gained back all I had lost and then gained some on top of that.
You see, I never had an eye on long term.
I never asked myself, "Can I do this for the rest of my life."
So my Truth became "I am incapable of losing weight."
Which looking back, obviously is not true.
I allowed my ignorant approaches to dissuade me from future effort.
Even while I was in the middle of the crazy, and knew it was crazy...
I kept convincing myself that the only way to be thin was to suffer...and to suffer for the rest of your life.
No wonder I gave up.

I like food.
Am I really going to eat 1200 calories for the rest of my life? No.
Am I really never, ever going to eat french bread or cheesecake..(real cheesecake) again?
Nope.

So, This last go around, you know how I started?
I said to me..
Me.
You are fat.
And no matter what you do, this will not be coming off overnight.
And whatever else you are doing, you certainly aren't paying attention to how many calories you are consuming.
So...cap your calories at 1800 and take a walk.
every day.
So I did.
I knew I could do that.
I was full.
I still had foods I liked
And after about a week I gained some confidence.
I increased my walk.
I took no magical pills.
I went up my road and back.
I bought no equipment.
Not even tennis shoes.
or exercise clothes.
I walked around in button down shirts and stretchy pants.
After two weeks I weighed myself and got my 'beginning' weight.
And nearly passed out.
But I knew the truth.
I knew what worked.
I knew I could lose weight.
And I kept going.
By facing each obstacle squarely,
and not trying to find an easy out.
I got thinner.
And thinner.
and thinner.
I am a little over two years in now.
And am still chugging away.
I can keep going..
Because this is possible.
And once you know an objective truth, you can't un know it.
It makes me feel better about the occasional gluttonous meal...
or a gain of a pound or two.
Because, the truth is..that's life.
And,
the truth is, it will never be over.
And the truth is...
I am glad I started.
And the truth is...
I am healthy.
I am happy.
And I have created this.
and the truth is..
so can you.
Chris out.

Pit Viper and a pretty big NSV...

2011-08-20T22:47:00.000-06:00

For those of you who have followed me for a while...you will remember the infamous fainting incident which led me to the conclusion that I had an issue with Fear Of Men...
(said incident can be found HERE)
And I attended a self defense class...and no longer had an issue with fainting in public. lol.
Well, I went back today for a refresher class...
I was in a class with 8 women and 5 men. All of these women were fairly slender...(One I sized up as being thinner than me..but taller.)....
THis is where the cool part happens.

The instructor says: "Okay...to prove it doesn't matter how big or small you are...I am going to need the smallest woman in the class"......"Christina"...

So I look around for this Christina..and realize he is pointing at me.

I am the smallest woman *in his mind anyways* in class.
Me.
Everyone laughs because it took so long for me to go to the center of the mat...thinking I was nervous.
Not knowing...It was because I was looking for the smallest woman in the class.
I have never been the smallest woman in anything.
lol.
So, If I am a pit viper....I am a small one..
small...
but deadly ;O).
To church tomorrow and then the gym.
Have a great night guys.
chris out.

Are you sick of climbing?

2011-08-16T19:50:00.000-06:00

That's okay...
stay where you are....

what?

You don't like the view...
well then,
I guess you'd best keep climbing.

I get sick of climbing.
Sometimes it seems I have been climbing my whole life.
Climbing over other people's sh*tty decisions.
Climbing over other people's apathy.
(these are the easiest to climb over...they make good places to plant your feet.)
climbing over people's preconcieved ideas and prejudices....
even my own.
Climbing out of the hole of poverty.
abuse.
ignorance.

Just to get to even ground.
Where the normal people start.
Today I had to tell my daughter we couldn't afford ballet lessons.
It's 80 dollars a month.
plus the outfit and the shoes and the tights and a 25 dollar fee to register.
We have about 180 dollars left for groceries for the month.
We just can't do it.
It took all of our money just to get my oldest daughter's ap exams paid for and her senior trip to camp (that she missed for the last two years).
We can afford this in November or December, but sign up is now.
And I was in a crappy mood.
It's hard to tell your child no, when it is something they really, really want.
But as I was doing the elliptical I remembered..
I remembered how I grew up.
In a trailer.
I got three pairs of pants and three shirts for the year.
I had never had a lesson other than "don't provoke a drunk" or "make yourself scarce when someone is pissed".
Never.
My mom pulled me out of girl scouts because she simply couldn't pick me up anymore.
My daughter is in her 4th year of girl scouts.
She is starting with the church choir this coming sunday.
She has a nice home.
An intact family.
Parents who are stable, sober and who love her.
She isn't just starting from ground level...
she is at least two or three floors up.
So,
While I can't get her ballet at the super duper fancy school.
I can get her a few 6 week lessons down at the community center.
And next year...she won't be starting from nothing.
She will be starting a little bit higher.

So maybe you are standing at the bottom of a huge pile of sh*t.
And there is nothing you would like better than to sit down in it and quit.
It that really where you want to spend your life?!
I didn't think so.
Start climbing.
Chris out.

Thank God the weight of the world.....

2011-08-15T19:08:00.000-06:00

Is not on my shoulders...
I'd drop it.
lol.
okay...so I am changing up my lifting..
meaning...
I am lifting more..
not more often..
more machines.
Today I added more back and shoulders and biceps..While keep the back and chest and tricep workout I had been doing.
It takes me nearly 25 minutes to complete...
And you know how much I can lift on the shoulder press.
10lbs.

10

lbs.

I can lift more on flys...55 lbs....
You would think my shoulders would be stronger....but they aren't.
You know why.
I haven't worked them.
my quads can only do 30 lbs.
my legs are weak.
I have completely overhauled my workouts...a little less cardio...45 minutes...
alot more lifting...20 to 25 minutes...alternating upper and lower body.
We'll see how it all goes.
Today I started homeschool with my youngest.
And...
We had a lot of fun!
I put together this thing called the adventurer's notebook...
and it has all seven continents subdivided in there..
Now when we learn something in history...or biology or in reading...we will put it under the continent to which it belongs.
Today we were talking about the fertile crescent in Asia, which resides in the modern day countries of Iraq, syria and parts of Turkey.
I think it will really help her to connect how geography and cultures and climates and resources have affected history.
Too fun.
Hope you all are on plan and having a great day.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Chris out.

when do we get to like ourselves?

2011-08-13T19:37:00.000-06:00

Hello,
Back with a serious post.
I was talking to my mom today...She was shopping for a dress for my little brother's wedding in September(*Which I am excessively happy about btw, He is marrying a lovely, smart woman who seems devoted to him.) So I can hear her saying..."oh that's cute, It would look so good on a petite lady. (I grew up with this which probably is the reason for my idea of what constitutes beautiful) She didn't think she could look beautiful, she wanted to 'settle' for not being 'frumpy'. She deosn't want to be in any of the pictures.
My mom is a 14-16.
I remember being a 24 and thinking "if only I could be a 14 again'.
Right now I am a size 10 and I have a 'look' I am going for.
But..
I like myself right now.
All of me.
I don't hate parts of me....I don't feel less because I am not a size 6.
I just have goals that I would like to attain.
And beauty is more an attitude than a reality...Some of the most beautiful women are not classically beautiful....they have a certain something...and that something is CONFIDENCE.

What is it about our culture that we WOMEN have to hate parts of ourselves?
And if we don't we are 'stuck up'.
And don't tell me it isn't programmed in, because it is.
It's almost like coda amongst women.
"I hate my thighs."
Then as a friend you must say...
"I think your thighs are great...You should see my STOMACH!"
"Oh You look fine."
"I hate my hair...feet...boobs...butt..."
on and on ad nauseum...my oldest daughter tells me about the locker room conversations.
Most ridiculous one in her opinion..."I hate my shoulders...they are too wide'...
Kate said "how boring, to be so obsessed about your body. I love my body.'
*I liked hearing that btw*
You know what I want to hear from women!
Man do I have fabulous thighs! (someday soon I want to hear this from my mom)
Me: Your thighs! You should see my abs! I love em'.
lol.
My husband once told me he couldn't see past my fat.
I have to admit I have been waiting for something...a chance to get him to see what it feels like to have someone ding you for something you are struggling with...
He has been trying to lose weight..
And he is doing okay..but he is also trying to build muscle.
I don't dig meat heads. I like lean bodies.
I don't want him going moobish on me.
So I say "Don't get all moobish on me.'
I don't like meatheads."
He says "How would you like it if I said something like "I like fat women."
I reminded him of his prior comment.
He just stood there with his mouth going up and down like a landed fish.
Then I said...To be honest...I will love you moobish or not...but now you know how hurtful it sounds to someone when you think they will love you less if you don't live up to their standards.
He looked pole axed.
So I say, "Do you love me for what I look like, or do you love me for me?"
He said "I love you for you."
I say "Ditto."
men.

So...When do we get to like ourselves?
When we reach the perfect size?
When our Butts don't sag?!
When we have been cut up, rearranged, had our boobs lifted and blown up?
When we are botoxed, hairsprayed, painted and squeezed into form fitting clothes?
How about right now...
What do you love about you?
And you know what..it can be your personality...but you need to add on a part of your body that you love..
EVEN IF YOU AREN'T AT GOAL WEIGHT.
Deal?
Hugs,
Chris out.

Need a laugh, follow this link

2011-08-10T22:54:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeXMkEHWN9c

This is worth watching...I need a good laugh and this is the hardest I've laughed in a while...

Chris out

Hello there...I have GIANT...

2011-08-09T23:27:00.002-06:00

Click to enlarge!
Pumpkins..lol.
For perspective..those are 5 gallon buckets of water and the fence is three foot high. They are growing everywhere....

click to enlarge!
Next up are my cucumbers....I picked 9 lbs today and I have to pickle them tomorrow or the next day.....

And then yesterday I took my youngest to the zoo....She had to write which animals belong to which continent..it's a good way to teach geography. We have been very busy!
But having loads of fun...My garden is coming along and I will be taking some pictures of my pickles tomorrow....hopefully.
I went to the gym and ate on plan today...good day over all....My lower body weight lifting is really starting to pay dividends...my legs even 'feel' stronger.
Hope you all had a great weekend and are on plan. Take care.
Chris out.

R.I.P

2011-08-06T18:19:00.001-06:00

To the Navy seals who gave their lives today in Afghanistan and to their families..I extend my deepest sympathies. Thank you for your service.
To the rest of my readers...I have a very busy Sunday planned and so will see you on monday.
Chris out.

Day 4- whereupon I WANT a roll...and discussing maintenance.

2011-08-04T20:01:00.000-06:00

You know, a fresh roll...right out of the oven...with butter and maybe a little honey.
But instead I ate

Beet greens

In my eternal quest to eat ENOUGH POTASSIUM....I was assured this was tops...1309 for one cup of cooked beet greens...and you know what

not worth it.

so...It's either 8 bananas or a supplement.

Supplement it is.

lol.

Right now I am in 'weight loss mode'.

But for a long time I was in maintenance mode.

I was in that mode because I was sick of weight loss mode.

And I discovered one thing.

To maintain..or maintain some semblence of maintenence...

You will have to do one of two t hings.

watch what you eat.

or exercise like a mad woman.

I didn't watch what I ate as much (well somewhat..never gorged on a cake or ate a whole pizza...)

My breakfast never changed.

I think breakfast is very important.

Both psychologically and physically.

Psychologically because eating breakfast takes away that excuse at 8 or 9 at night that says...

well, I didn't eat breakfast so a piece of pie won't hurt.

And

breakfast starts your metabolism.

It gives you energy and I think gives your day a more balanced feel.

While I might not have carefully watched everything going in my gullet..

I would have two or three day stretches where I would carefully count and then three or four where I wouldn't.

And I NEVER quit exercising..even if it was just a walk.

In fact I went one whole month just walking.

I put on a few pounds...but nothing like I would have if I had quit exercising.

So if you want a mental break from weight loss.

I would say exercise in some form daily...

keep a tally of what you eat, if not strictly..

and always eat breakfast and get enough sleep.

You shouldn't gain too much.

It worked for me..

so, for those in maintenance..

What worked for you.

I went to the gym

Had a good day food wise.

chris out.

Day 3-on a roll

2011-08-03T18:39:00.000-06:00

I had a very good day today.
I worked out and burned 700 calories through a combination of lower body weights and one hour on the elliptical plus 100 situps.
My eating was spot on...
Not much to say, I have to go and make some pickles....bread and butter.
This will be my first attempt at canning.
Wish me luck! lol.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

self honesty and pictures

2011-08-02T18:07:00.000-06:00

Today is day 2 of my 38 days till my brother's wedding.
I find day 2 is usually the hardest...I don't know why.
Maybe it's because I am not going to be seeing any progress yet.
I did very well yesterday...extremely well in fact.
And today-if say, I went over by 50 calories, what would be the harm?
MUCH.
50 often leads to 100 or 200.
Then it's 'well, I will start over tomorrow'.
momentum builds on itself...and so does stultification.
One bad day often leads to another...I know, I have been there...
MY Worst excuse ever, "I have paperwork and will be up late, so I will just hose this bag of chips and
START OVER TOMORROW...LOL.
So, even if I am tired (which I am)
Have a lot of work to do (which I do) .
I have eaten 850 calories today....that means I have 550 calories for dinner.
I have to spend them carefully.
If I eat over by 50, I can rationalize doing 100 and then so on.
And all the hard work of the previous day is gone...
I have to be honest and realize that today is all I can control.
When I start over again, I lose 2 days...The day you started and the day you started over...
When I could have been three days in and on a roll.
That decision to eat or not is mine.
I CAN eat anything and everything I want.
But I choose not to.
Because I am not where I want to be...

pictures to prove it...

As you can see, I put my weight on in the middle like an old dog. lol.

anywhoozle...

The Day I am on...is just a number...
I will not play mind games to justify eating when I know what my cap is.
I want to reach my goal.
and I will.
Today was an excellent day with exercise.
I burned 500 calories with a combination of walking, stairmaster, and situps and lower body weights.
I will be eating baked chicken and a crapload of squash and zuchinni for dinner.
I will be going to bed a little hungry and waking up a little more certain.
That's how this business works.
success builds on success...just don't talk yourself out of winning.
Hang in there guys,
chris out.

single minded determination

2011-08-01T20:45:00.001-06:00

For anyone to really drop some serious pounds.
You need single minded determination.
You need to place as much importance on the next bite of food as you did the last..
The exercise..
be there.
When you are excercising, stay in the moment.
Get the most out of each session.
Wake up each day thinking
"I am one day closer to where I want to be."
Each Meal
will either move you forward or take you backwards.
No excuses.
No half hearted walks followed by a cup of ice cream.
No crackers with butter.
No handful of anything at 11 because you are 'starving'.
No, you aren't...as the extra 20 pounds of fat around your middle will attest. lol.
That fat isn't there as an accessory.
That fat is now fuel.
Fuel for you to use, to win.
Calories in today 1400.
Exercise in at 715 calores burned (1 hour elliptical, upper body weights and 110 situps)
I am not weighing in...
that weird feeling of dread stopped when I stopped seeing the numbers fall.
For a while the scale was motivating me...then it was scaring me.
I have had a fear of being vulnerable for a long time.
I attach that fear to a certain number...139 and below.
So, I am done freaking myself out.
Tomorrow I am going to have my freind take a picture of me in very very tight clothes..I will post it.
Along with measurements.
Then I will post another on September 1rst along with measurements.
As for goal...I will know it when I see it...
and I haven't seen it yet.
When I look in the mirror and like what I see, I will step on a scale and tell you my 'goal weight.'
Till then it's doing the basics...till I get what I want.
See you tomorrow.
Chris out.

A self fulfilling prophecy

2011-07-31T17:56:00.000-06:00

From wikipedia:

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.[1]

LOL...A reign of Error..

That ever happen to anyone, ever?

Examples:

I am not pretty.

This can lead to things like allowing yourself to take no care in your appearance...To not bother to dress up. To never apply makeup, or to shlump around hunched over in the hopes that you will be 'invisible' and that no one will think you think too much of yourself. To dress yourself in shades of beige and navy and black to minimize your width or existence. To always buy pretty and beautiful things for others, but never yourself...noticing only your flaws and imperfections and never your better qualities.

Have you ever noticed that

A.) pretty (as a definition) is relative to each person.

i.e.

Some people think paris hilton is beautiful...

And some people think she looks like a stick insect...

Some people think beyonce is beautiful...

and some people think she is too thick.

I saw lea Thompson this weekend.

The actress.

She was signing books at our px.

She looked like a 'normal' person.

I know a lot of guys who thought she was 'it'.

She looks like a soccer mom.

Except when she gets all duded up.

Then she looks 'pretty'.

I saw a prime example of this the other day.

I saw an overweight woman who had put a skirt and heels on...ala

monique....

Now Monique in Precious

yeah.

Thinking you are or are not something is often a result of ignorance dealt out to you by others.

Perhaps someone had their own ideal of beauty and you weren't it.

Bully for them.

Be beautiful in your own way.

Love YOURSELF

Name YOURSELF.

Label YOURSELF.

Another self fulfilling prophecy.

I am stupid.

Saying that to yourself is poisonious.

This will lead to all sorts of stupid behavior.

Like discounting your own opinion.

Letting others tell you how to live.

Letting others talk down to you.

Now the combination of these two is devestating and often leads to things like:

Staying with an abusive partner.

Thinking no one could possibly love you.

Thinking you 'get what you deserve'.

And it leads to creating a glass ceiling over your life where you tell yourself that this is as good as it gets, this is as far as you will go, and this is all you will ever be.

And you have (with help) essentially done this to YOURSELF.

By allowing the labels to stick.

So begin the relabeling process.

If God is a king.

You are a princess...

or a prince.

Don't forget it.

Hugs,

Chris out.

Sometimes it hurts...

2011-07-26T21:49:00.000-06:00

I did the gym 3 times last week....
Today I was at the gym again...Day two of five planned for this week.
I have been pushing like I used to..
I remember this...
It's not really pain, but it is hard.
You don't want to finish.
Luckily I seem to have entered that nirvana type phase I had when I began this whole journey when food just didn't matter.
Results do.
So YEAH!
I have to say, You go through ups and downs regarding food.
At least I do.
Sometimes I can simply leave it..
Other times it feels nearly impossible.
I entered a one year period starting last year where I seemed to be hungry all the time.
It was quite a struggle.
I can't explain it any other way.
But now that I seem to have emerged out the other side....having held my ground and ready to continue..
I can tell you how happy I am that I did not regain all my weight.
Sometimes it hurts and is hard.
But it is worth it.
Sometimes it feels endless and unnatural...
But if you can keep going it is worth it.
I realize that many of you are on the other side of that wall.
On the side your on...all you can see is endless obstacles...and pain, and work without reward.
maybe you are still fat...you work daily, and you are losing, but have not gotten over the hump where it feels more natural.
Maybe you are still recieving comments or negative feedback.
And you have come to a decision point...continue to your goal or slide back into what you know, what is comfortable.
The problem is, you have never experienced the other side of that wall...
So you don't really know what it is you are shooting for.
So you wonder if it is worth it...
Some of you have climbed over, realized weight loss didn't solve all your problems, and maybe have climbed back over and NOW realize why you climbed the wall in the first place..
It wasn't that weight loss made your life magically different.
It simply made living it a whole lot easier.
Easier to breathe and to be, you had more energy, you were the person you imagined.
And now you are facing the daunting wall climb again and wonder if you can.
You can.
It is worth the struggle and the pain.
So,
It is scary not knowing.
But trust me.
The other side of that wall is better.
Workout today...
3 mile walk
15 minutes precor
110 situps
lower body weights.
500 calories burned.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

commitment

2011-07-25T20:02:00.000-06:00

If you want to succeed at anything...first you have to commit.
I was thinking about this the other day.
I seem to be having issues committing to a church home.
I can see how, as you get older, committing to a particular path or person...or occupation can seem daunting.
A commitment implies participation, loyalty.
It implies some degree of discomfort.
A certain willingness to pay the price.
To lose weight.
You have to commit.
Mostly to yourself.
This week I have committed to doing 5 days a week at the gym...burning at least 700/500 calories on alternating days.
so 700 today, 500 tomorrow and so on.
And then committing to eating no more than 1500 calories a day.
Saturday will be a three mile walk and sunday a 2 mile walk.
Telling myself this is a commitment to me..
That the only person I will be letting down should I fail to follow through..is me...
Has really helped.
Plus...
My little brother committed..to his girlfriend.
He is engaged and I couldn't be prouder or more happy for him.
She is a nice young lady who is an attorney.
I will make an attempt at attending their wedding in September.
I want to look good in those photos..so I will be working out and eating well.
Hope you all have a great night.
Talk to you later,
Chris out.

Let's see what I can do...

2011-07-19T18:38:00.000-06:00

Hey all,
Howsitgoing? lol.
I had a good day today..
I did the gym...lower body weights for the first time...FOR THE FIRST TIME.
That's right I said it.
I know people talk and talk about how weights don't bulk you up.
Well, I build muscle really easy...
I was afraid I would bulk up my lower half...which is where I carry most of my weight...my calves have been my nemesis since I was old enough to notice.
I've got big calves.
You know what I discovered today, much to my surprise...
My lower body is amazingly weak.
I can only do 40 pounds on the whole body leg press..
30 on the calf press...
Maybe my legs are fat because they contain...gasp....fat!
lol.
also...I only have 120 calories left of a 1600 calorie cap today...and I am probably going to be hungry before bed...so I am employing 'tricks'...
like eating celery and salsa.
I realize that I need a goal image as much now as I did before.
Before I only had an idea that I wanted to be 'thin'...which I got to when I squeezed my rear into a size 10....Size 8 was better...but I think I need something to go for...So, I will be looking around for a picture to stick on the fridge and different places to keep me motivated.
At a lower weight 200 calories can mean the difference between a loss and stasis...or even a gain. Every bite matters..
So, Let's see what I can do...
calories burned 450...2 miles walking, 2 miles precor and lower body weights....
Chris out.

Day 2- Everything counts....including you.

2011-07-18T20:50:00.001-06:00

And I mean everything.
every bite.
every minute on the elliptical.
Every thought.

That is how you lose weight.
You elevate the relative importance of seemingly insignificant things.
Do I take a walk?
Do I eat that cookie?
Do I tell myself it's hopeless...

In order..
yes
no
no.
lol.

I haven't believed this weight loss thing is hopeless for quite a while.
But once upon a time I did believe that.
I told myself that for years.
I was reading Lisa's blog...
She was talking about the voice in your head that tells you things.

And folks...
What if it were as simple as reprogramming the things you tell yourself?
What was the difference between may 3rd, 2009 and may 4th, 2009?
Was there some sort of cosmic alignment?
Was I hit by a gamma ray...
bitten by a spider?

no.

I looked up, realized I was fat and thought.
"I am too good for this."
I am too smart, too something, to live like this.
And so are you.
You matter.
Today matters.
What you put in your mouth in the next hour, day, week and year...
it matters.
Your dreams matter.
Your thoughts matter.
You matter.
And the sooner you tell that to the voice in your head telling you that you CAN'T...Or you that you shouldn't because it's selfish, or you will fail or it won't matter in the long run...
The better.
Today 1596 calories consumed...
50 minutes on the elliptical and a one mile walk along with upper body weights and situps for a 630 calorie burn.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

And so it begins...

2011-07-17T22:10:00.000-06:00

Hello,
This week went very well.
My 9 year old turned 10, and had a very good birthday party.
I had a good visit with my in laws...
And I am back on the Krab...
for noobs...
that means I am back to the gym 6 days a week and back to eating 1500-1600 calories a day.
Till goal weight.
I will weigh in on the 1rst of the month.
I will be logging my calories....and my exercise.
I can burn it down with the best of them.
So watch me roll.
Time to get back to me and my weight goal.
Hope all is well with you guys...
All is well with me.
off to read and comment.
Chris out.

Sunday...See you Friday...

2011-07-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

Hey all,
My in laws are up for a visit. It's going to be a busy week so I won't be on...just wanted to drop in and say howdy. I'll be back on Friday with the start of my last big push to my goal weight. I explained all that in a previous post.
Today was beautiful btw.
Golden sunset...
Happy to be alive.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Sick, Fat, and nearly Dead.....and ready to finish it.

2011-07-05T22:18:00.006-06:00

That was me a little over two years ago.
I had heart arythmia and all sorts of problems....deep cracks on my feet...I couldn't walk very far....
I sat on the couch all day...had no energy.
I have been on a weight loss hiatus for quite a while now...to be honest...for about 8 or 9 months really. I have been focusing in on other things..which is good in a way..
I was 'sick' of focusing on my diet and my exercise...I wanted to live a bit.
My single minded focus was neccessary to give me momentum to lose that first 100 lbs.
To turn a runaway train, you have to really go full bore.
I had been doing 2 hours a day at the gym for nearly two years.
I had put everything and everyone on the back b urner....and put myself first.
And I wanted to give to my family for a while...
I wanted to spend time with my kids...
And we have spent time together..
hiking, and playing.
Things I could have never done before...
I installed a vegetable garden...with long days planting and digging and hoeing.
I could have never done so many of these things at 262 lbs.
I wanted to clean up my house..organize it...
I did.
I have had fun..eaten some food I hadn't really gotten to eat. (and gained about 5 pounds as a result)...
lol.
Now I am ready to finish it.
I have picked up the pace at the gym again
and starting on July 15th...I will be going full bore.
To 135.
I am ready to finish this thing....For the first time in a long time...the idea of the gym is exciting instead of stultifying.
The title of this blog came from a movie I watched and am currently re watching.
It reminded me that our food can make us healthy or make us sick.
I am ready to dive back into a protein, veggie and fruit diet with occasional grains.
I am ready to restrict my calories and pound the workouts.
I am ready...now for a clip from the aforementioned film...
It truly is inspirational...you guys should watch it if you get the opportunity.

Why people are crapheads to wait staff.....

2011-07-01T22:19:00.000-06:00

okay,
So I had a higher calorie day (and an equally grand workout I might add)...and I am at my favorite local establishment waiting for a seat.
I am behind a dude who is rude.
He is ordering to go....and he is condescending, abrupt, and generally a crap head.
He special orders everything, he repeats himself loudly, he sighs...
He says "GOT That?"
Then makes her re total the bill twice....and then realizes she is correct..
THEN runs a card that doesn't work and blames his wife who is conveniently absent...and leaves.

I pondered this....and have come to the conclusion that some people feel so small they endeavor to make others feel the same way.
What an irritating encounter.
I don't know what it is about people like that, but it makes me want to be twice as nice.
You know, waitresses and waiters have very hard jobs.
They deal with angry people....and take abuse for poorly cooked food....that isn't their fault.
They are on their feet and their pay is attrocious.
It takes two seconds to say thank you.
It takes as many words to speak nicely as it does to speak meanly.
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile...
and to reach back into my bag of snark...
yes, I am doing it...

And so, douchy guy with bad 80's mullet....consider yourself virtually smacked....that is all.
chris out.

Things aren't always what they seem.

2011-06-29T00:16:00.002-06:00

Hello all,
been a while I know...
But I have been waging a war with bees in an air vent, growing pumpkins, and watering a garden etc.
I have been busy.
I had a very interesting thing happen tonight.
My youngest daughter came downstairs and said
"Mom, I have something to ask you...but you have to come and see it."
I said okay...
So I go upstairs and into my bedroom while she is leading the way.
She shows me a red velvet bag she pulled out of my jewelry box with the name of a funeral home on it...
She said "What is this?"
I said "That is your great gramma's favorite necklace."

My gramma was wearing it the day she died.

My mom gave it to me after my gramma died, so I would have something to remember her by.
I vaguely remember taking it out at the time...seeing the knotted and very thin little chain and the scuffed front of the heart shaped locket and thinking that this was an old, (and cheap) necklace. Frankly, at the time, I found it depressing.
A kind of symbol of all that My gramma didn't have.
I thought that I would keep it in my jewelry box as a way to honor her memory.
I never took it out again.
I never looked at it again.
But tonight my youngest wanted to see it...
So I took it out.
Now the last time I saw it was in my mom's bathroom...It was dark and poorly lit.
I took it out this time and the shine on the chain caught my eye...
I realized that it wasn't Tin...It just needed untangling, and cleaning.
So I took a tooth brush and some toothpaste and set about to cleaning the locket and rinsing and drying the chain....
It wasn't thin...it was twisted and delicate...
And it sparkled...and then Sophie said "What's that?"
There was very tiny print at the bottom of the locket.
I looked and couldn't make it out so she ran for her magnifying glass...
When we looked it said on the back of that locket.
14 kt. Gold.
It was Gold...
I mistook it for something else because I was tired and discouraged, and sad...
I had this necklace for the past 5 years....and I never looked any harder than I did that first day.
The front has a scuff....So I flipped it over.
I am wearing it right now.

In many ways it was like my gramma...worn down on the outside by life.
Luckily God can see the inside.
I know inside, my gramma was gold too.
She just needed some buffing.
It reminded me to look harder.
Thank God for young people.
They aren't too jaded to look.

chris out.

Perspective...

2011-06-24T00:37:00.000-06:00

It's necessary.
God above knows how greatful I am to have the life I have.
I was dropping off stuff at Goodwill...(The same Goodwill I shop at lol)
And then we drove through an apartment complex on our way to walmart.
It was a poorer area of town.
Noticeably so...kiddy cars parked on hot concrete slabs right next to the roadway.
The only grass was weeds peeking up through cracks in the pavement....
Sheets over windows.
Sophie said "Do kids really live and play there?"
I said "Yes, they do.'
She said "That's sad."
It is. While my minivan may be missing it's gas cap flippy thingy and have a crushed muffler...My daughter has a yard to play in and quiet streets to ride her bike on...
Wonderful neighbors.
She is also healthy, as is my oldest.
today I was exasperated because she kept begging to be outside....She got a sunburn yesterday from laying out. I told her No...not after 8.
Then I read http://www.prayingfornoah.com/2011/06/sad.html
I don't even have words.
I had a good day, I ate right...I exercised...
I watched my daughter ride her bike..my oldest complain about the headset and the fact that we are down to ONE computer.
And I was exasperated because my kid wouldn't stop playing.
Lucky me.
seriously.
lucky me.
Hugs,
Chris out.

patience and purpose

2011-06-21T21:28:00.001-06:00

Anyone else have problems in this sphere...you know, for the longest time I thought my problem was my mouth.
It isn't.
out of the abundance of the heart...the mouth speaks.
It's patience.
I have an impatient spirit.
It wasn't until I learned patience in dieting that I was able to lose weight.
before this last go round I would try any fad diet that would come along....
I wanted to get the weight off FAST.
When it didn't, I would go off my diet and eat everything in sight out of frustration.
This last go round the first thought that popped in my head was:
I don't care if it takes a hundred years. It's coming off.
Slowly, but surely it did.
Now I am in maintenance of 145 lbs...even though it is not my goal weight.
You know why.
If I can't maintain 145, what makes me think I can get to 135?
Then I may, but regain...

You see, in the end...while it's nice to be a lower number...the number isn't what it's all about.
It's living.
I have finally hit upon what my problem is with the last 10 pounds.
I don't want my life to be about my body and how it looks in a pair of jeans.
I just don't care that much.
I care about my health in so much as this...that I can live my life without impediments and that I am healthy and able to enjoy life.
So I felt a sense of anxiety.
Exercise and healthy eating had been the center of my universe for two years.
I knew they couldn't be forever, if I were to make that the center of my universe, I would be living a shallow existence.
...but I simply couldn't find a good balance.
I had a lot of thinking to do.
I ate too much...again..trying to fill the hole that way...which lead to a five pound gain.
I stopped doing that...today was a really good day.
It doesn't work...
making exercise my God didn't work..
making intellect My God didn't work.
For years I made my children my center, my focus.
my marriage...
spirituality..
luckily I was never into drugs, or money...but for some that can be a kind of God.

I have to make God my center...
but for the last week I have been struggling...
What is my PURPOSE!
I know, I need to raise my kids, keep my house etc.
I have those under control.
Now what.
What is the bigger picture...
I think deep inside we have a need to serve.
To matter.
I have felt this pressing on me more and more over the last few months.
Yes I need to grow spiritually...but to what purpose?
To shout into a vacuum?
You grow
To serve others...
To be some sort of intellectual or spiritual giant and never share...It's useless.
To have a sound mind and a healthy body but to do nothing with them?
Useless.
I have been putting off joining my church because my husband and oldest daughter don't go.
Well, I am not doing that any longer.
If they don't want to go that's fine...
But I am choosing to belong and to serve...
As such here is my life statement I wrote last week...
It took me a few years to write this...
again, patience.
My life statement.
I am a child Of God. His instrument.
As such I will live my life first and foremost to glorify him.
I will live honestly and will model integrity.
I will speak and act with kindness,
always seeking first to understand rather than judge.
I will help when and where I can.
I will take only when I have no other option.
I will seek to leave each person and situation better than how I found them.
I will live life to it's fullest, not fearing death but embracing each day as a gift.
I will make plans from hope, not fear.
I will commit myself daily to my home, my family and my community.
I will be diligent and responsible with the resources God has given me.
I will run my race and strive to die to myself daily and do everything with excellence to show the world the power of God's grace.

That's all.
Will I hit this 100 percent...no...but if you have no target...how can you hit your goal?
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Chris out.