Chaos vs. Stability...a major factor in winning or losing

My daughter and I have taken up walking one mile per night to spend time together.
Since I started my job as a case manager for domestic violence victims, I try to fit in talk and walk time at least three days a week.
She was explaining to me that she and her friend were talking about their issues with their respective lives.
My daughter stated she gets bored easily and that everything is very predictable in her life (internal cheer here). This was a goal for my children. I pointed out that because she knows what is going to happen, she has the ability to try new things. She then stated that her friend's life is constantly changing and she can't get her bearings, that she can't even join clubs in school. She is too busy paying for the poor choices other people are making.

Over the last several weeks as I have settled into my job, I have noticed that  because of the chaotic nature of their lives, many of my clients have settled into a pattern of reacting instead of planning.  They have been on the edge of violence and survival that whenever they perceive danger or uncertainty, they react in ways that undo any progress they might have made. In fact, many of the behaviours that kept them safe are the same behaviours that are counter productive in both relationships and career opportunities now that they are moving forward.

That is to say, they have brought the chaos with them.
They've inhaled it and it is part of their spirit.  To overcome that, I believe, The time that needs to be invested to turn it all around is directly proportional to the time spent steeped in it...
I grew up with that chaos til the age of twelve.
I did not learn to tame the chaos until I was in my thirties.
Realising it was an issue was the first step.
There are so many variables to taming the chaos.
To unraveling the disparate threads of violence and anger and self doubt and sadness...to unravel And trade all of that for peace and joy and faith and happiness...you have to learn to trust yourself first! Then learn to trust that people are good and that the world will catch you.  That your good effort will be rewarded and not see setbacks as permanent, but just temporary detours. That is hard when every effort you have made has been denigrated and denied.

People have no idea how much sheer will, faith and determination  that takes.

When you grow up with stability, you have the time to stay still and discover who you are and what your place is in this world.

When you grow up in chaos, you have to undo all of that damage and brain training. You have no opportunity to even begin to discover who you are or what your place is in this world until the violence and chaos ends.

There are levels of course.
There are different levels of trauma.
But people who had loving stable homes have a lead in the race of life.
If you are living in the chaos of your childhood, just know you are going to have to question all of your home truths.
They could be keeping you stuck in a repeat of bad relationships and failures in job and any other goals you might be attempting to achieve.

Quitting too soon is the chaotic souls primary glitch. I've learned not to quit, and from that one simple decision...I've seen more good come and have had my faith restored in life and in people. But it took many initial leaps of faith. Many Day by day decisions to simply keep moving forward, whatever the voice in my head was saying. Pick one thing you want and do not quit til it happens.

Release fear

Quickest way..tell everyone the absolute truth and let everything you fear happening happen.  

Then when the smoke clears and you are still alive...your fear factor will be nearly nil...that's my public service announcement for today.  I know this because I did that this summer.  It wasn't nearly as horrible as I feared. In fact..it feels 100 times better.

All the ways to run away

There are many ways to quit.
There is the obvious way...quitting outright.

"I quit!" we yell...
We can feel quite righteous about it.
Someone wronged us....
It was a toxic situation.
These are good reasons to quit something usually.

These are also good opportunities to discover why we picked those people or situations to begin with.

That's another post for another day..
What are some other ways to quit.

How about being in the right situation..so right it's scary....
And fearing you will fail..you allow little slights to add up till you can safely yell I quit!
It's called self sabotage.
You call it being polite.
Or being self sacrificing.
Or not making a fuss.
But is that what you are really doing?
 Is that really what it's about?
Or are you afraid of failing?
Is it your children's fault you don't carve out time for health related activities?
"I have to run them tither and yon!"  You cry...
Is it your child trying to involve themselves in everything, or is it you?
Would the people you work with really have a hard time if you told them the truth?
Or do you just not want the aggravation of confrontation?
Do you really not like it..or are you afraid of trying and failing.
Or hell...trying, succeeding and finding out it isn't what you thought it was.
It's easy staying the same..change requires self reflection, sacrifice and hard work..
And a commitment to honesty and sincere introspection and a willingness to change and grow..
Our Pride can hinder us in this regard.
If you find yourself highly insulted over a minor criticism..
There is a very good chance the criticism is dead on accurate.
Let it be a moment of growth..
Not the moment you run and hide and regress.

Be the change before you die

For some reason death is a topic lately..

I guess I'm getting to an age where people I know have started dying.

It's happened three times in the past two years.

Always the words..they were too young. 

When I hear those words, I always think of a little girl named daisy who was seven when she died..

That was too young.

Health concerns raise their ugly heads...

You start to feel the creep of time..days, minutes and hours.

This may be what inspires the so called mid life crisis.

Let me tell you..

It isn't a mid life crisis...

It's a mid life reality check.

It may seem out of control..when what it really is, is an expression of longing to live out the inner life that they may have been repressing to be "productive members of society"

Then one day...people you know start dying..and suddenly life is not a endless commodity.

The reality of limited time sets in...

And you look around and say..how did I get here!

Hopefully that is a good how did I.

A 'good family, productive work..further than you thought you'd be' how did I. 

Not a 'broke down in Hoboken with a dead hooker and a flat' how did I....

When you see your how did I...

you can do one of four things...if it's bad..change it..whatever that means.  

If it's good...keep it...recognising all the gifts you have been given.

..or, bad keep it, too scared to change..good, throw it away for the sake of change because you bought into a societal lie about status and image.

Choices.

What I have found it really all comes to is this.

What makes it okay to die, at whatever age..

Is that you feel you have fulfilled your life's purpose..

I think that is what people mean when they say someone died too young.

They mean that perhaps that person has not fulfilled their purpose.  

That's why people go insane in their 40's and 50's.

It's 'twenty years of useful life left' syndrome.

While Everyone's individual purpose is different..

Like that great philosopher Arnold once said...

Do what makes you happy..regardless of how crazy it may seem to someone else.

How we implement our purpose is the same.

We are all dying...the time left is invisible..no man knows the day or the hour.

It could be one hour..or 40 years.

Are you going to waste the hour?

The month?

The year?

Playing fast and loose with time helps no one.

I will not let my life be a legacy of untapped potential.

Unfulfilled promise..

Acceptance of a life of pain and heart ache.

Or apathy.

Every minute is potential.

Our purpose may be quiet.

Maybe it's intimate.

Or our purpose may be larger, with a communal or societal impact.

Either way..

Every person or interaction is an opportunity.

The opportunity to be the person who makes things better..in whatever sphere you enter.

Be the person who lifts people.

Who cares.

Who encourages.

Be the person who helps others find and fulfill THEIR  purpose..

Real leaders create leaders.

Because we can sit here and talk about change.

Or we can be the change.

We can complain about a lack of community.

Or we can help create a sense of community.

This is down to the cellular level. 

Down to every thought..

Every intention..

Every individual act.

It can begin in the next breath..

In your next thought..

In your next determination.

And it builds.

Change comes one compassionate act at a time..

Our purpose is fulfilled when we begin.

Chris out

Making monotony work for you.

I used to have a real issue with routines..
Like the color beige....headbands, minivans and day planners..I thought they were anethema to the soul.
Once I started working full time and my life crumbled like a dry tea cake...I realised that I needed a plan...
A plan...
(Yes..a routine...but plan sounded more...something).
So I created one...
A plan.
And it kept the big pot stirred.
I'm going to tell you the unglamorous truth of weight loss...
Monotony..
We are what our routines make us..or our habits.
What we habitually do.
If you get up in the morning and your habit is to eat a big breakfast and then Facebook..go to work..eat whatever donuts some evil troll brought to the office, then come home...pay some bills..binge watch Netflix...eat takeout and go to bed...chances are you are overweight and too tired to care.
Now say if, instead of getting up at six..you got up at 530 everyday and did a half hour of cardio...ate a yogurt and an apple and a morning coffee..went to work with your pre packed sandwich ( avoiding office troll) came home..did weights or walked with your family..then ate a nice, home cooked meal...
You wouldn't be....
Because it's the day in, day out grind that builds our reality...change one thing per week until your new usual has built a whole new lifestyle..and let the movement of time propel you..the months go faster than you think.

El puño

.El Puño means the fist..
I'm studying Spanish because I would like to be hired by tessa..I have no degree, no money to obtain one..so being bilingual is my best bet.

When people think of abuse..we are used to thinking of battery.
 Someone hitting someone else.
I have found the biggest hurdle in someone trying to turn their lives around...is the fist of government.
I have heard many surprising things in the course of deciding to advocate for abused women...I am always surprised how negatively people can view the process.
WHY wouldn't she just leave...
I would never allow anyone to abuse me!
If she stays, she gets what she deserves.
Now, I understand not everyone has been in an abusive relationship....and not everyone understands the dynamics that occur when a woman decides to leave an abusive relationship...or even how someone gets to a place where they "allow" it to happen.
How do we allow anything?
How do we allow ourselves to get fat?
Settle?
Quit?
What do we tell ourselves that makes it okay?
Many things.
An abusive relationship does not appear, full blown..if a man came up to you..beat the shit out of you and then asked you on a date.
You'd say no..
These things don't happen all at once..our lives don't slip away from us all at once. It's a gradual eroding of self...
Giving small pieces away in exchange for peace and quiet, or a nice dinner...or an end to the argument..
Or to spare your kids another argument.
Then, one day you look up and realise you lost your friends two years ago because you got tired of the shaming comments, or the accusations of infidelity when you took time with friends.
You stopped talking to your sister because you didn't want to argue about your relationship....you had a child, you wanted it to work...
Little by little...concession after concession...and one day you look up..you have no money, no job, no friends..and he hits you..and tells you that you are the reason...and he is the only voice left.
Now you want to leave.
But you have a child, no money..no job, no friends and no resources.
You call the police, they arrest him..he's out in two days...
And now he's angry.
He has a temporary protection order..which he violates repeatedly.
And gets nothing but a slap on the wrist.
Because, believe it or not..it's a misdemeanour.
Even if he is convicted, it has no effect on his parental rights.
So he can use the courts to control her.
And a man who has spent years psychologically and physically abusing her will now have unfettered and unsupervised access to her children.
And only she knows what he is capable of...
And people wonder why they don't leave...
I wonder that they do. It's a miracle really.
A tremendous act of courage.
People have a hard time changing jobs, or losing weight...

Let alone....
Leaving the only home you have, with threats of violence and death..with your child...only to get ground up in the machinery of a system that doesn't recognise the affects of trauma.

The fist.

El Puño.

That is why I love this job...I'm on the inside of the fist...the only way to really change anything is to join it.

And try.

Chris out.

To whom much is given...

Much is required..

Any church going people recognise that?

Probably.

I remember hearing that in Sunday school...it didn't sink in..

Probably because deep down, I didn't think it applied to me...

I'll get back to that..

So I am at the gym yesterday..without music. I hate it when that happens..leave your MP3 player with power on overnight, and you are left listening to wannabe Arnold shwartzennegers grunt their way through their 30 pound deadlifts.

So, without music..I think.

About my life.

And I seriously wonder wtf sometimes.

Shit childhood.

I wandered into a marriage where I was alone most of the time...

Then when my husband came back..it was PTSD and anger issues and marriage recovery.

Every step of the way I feel I'm scaling walls..

Obese..lose 100 pounds..stay home with my kids, nearly lose my marriage and have zero work experience..no college...then to work in a pretty toxic work environment..made manager..

Recovered my marriage with a lot of hard work.  

Then finally I have a friend..for six months..I wasn't so alone in my adultness..

And she dies...

To whom much is given...

What is my much? 

I have had a lot required of me..

And I was done with my workout..

Walking down the hall..and it hit me.

My much is that I will not quit.

And I finally realised that is not a gift everyone has..

In fact, it is extremely rare..and I have a feeling that the people who read this blog are the same as me.

They recognised it in words I wrote...the feeling of it..but never those exact words....

I will not quit..ever.

No matter how badly I want to sometimes.

Even as a child, I didn't.  I never could accept my nickname (dummy) from my abuser. 

I just tried harder. 

In the army, I never could quit on a run...til I made first run group.

I didn't quit on my kids and homeschooling and moving and keeping our family together.

Even though I was tired and done 70 percent of the time.

When my friend died...

I didn't get scared and quit on life...

There was something terrifying and exhilarating in this thought...the idea that you will not quit.

If you are that person...deep down you know.

All of  these hurdles are not what was required..

They were the trials that were meant to show me the nature of my gift.

What is required is that I take my gift and help the people who weren't given this gift..

The people too tired to move forward.

I think you will find your true gift in the tools you used to face your battles...my gift is perseverance...fight...determination and the acquisition of wisdom.

What is your much? 

Have that answer and you have your purpose.

You may wonder what I decided to do with my much..I did my second domestic violence intake at tessa today..I quit my job in March, took the training and jumped in both feet...I am equipping women in the fight to recover their lives from domestic violence, and on August 31 rst, I am also going to help teach a self defense seminar at a local church...helping women feel safe and secure in their person. One person at a time, one day at a time.

Chris out

Redefining you.

Names...

What we label ourselves is very important.  

When you name something, you integrate it into your perception of your world.

It becomes what you label it, in your mind.

For instance....the mean dog down the street.

You know, the one that growls at you as you pass on your walk.  

You name it every day.

As you pass..(in my case, I call the dog cujo)

 Now say one day the dog gets out, and it is standing on the side walk.

It isn't growling or acting aggressive..

But what would your reaction be....

Not good.

I think what we call ourselves becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

So if you are the "fat friend". Or the "class clown" and you ARE that for years on end....how much does that color how you interact with your environment.

How does it color your perception of what you are capable of accomplishing?

Maybe it's something as basic as your name? 

What if you were named for something or someone who you don't respect, or admire.

You may feel like your identity was stolen before you had a chance to create your own.  

Beginning to Reclaim your identity can be as simple as renaming yourself.

Shortening your name, lengthening your name...changing it entirely perhaps.

Writing a list of attributes you admire next to your name....old or new...

Stripping of self given names and trying on new ones.

 I'm the empathetic friend..

The mathematically inclined friend..(not me btw!)

The artistic friend..

Creating positive connections between your name and your inner self is really key to feeling good about who you see in a mirror...

My associations, before I got well were:

Chris is the fat friend.

Chris is messy and unorganised.

Chris is a product of a dysfunctional upbringing.

When all of your inner dialogue is negative and disempowering, there isn't a whole lot of room for those 'moving forward' thoughts.

When there is only discomfort and shame associated with WHO YOU ARE...it doesn't lead to feeling very capable.  

Begin your redefinition.  

One step at a time, you can begin to create a new definition of who you are.

Have a great day.

Chris

All in

 


I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. If there is not a new man, how can the new clothes be made to fit? If you have any enterprise before you, try it in your old clothes. All men want, not something to do with, but something to do, or rather something to be.


Thoreau
Walden


As you all know, I am a fan of Thoreau.
(hence the name of this blog)
Sorry about the absence....so much to say it got clogged.


I began this blog as a way of documenting weight loss...which I achieved...
(I have regained some...because my focus was elsewhere. But I am back on track and headed downward.) 


My weight loss caused a monumental upheaval in every aspect of my life.
Mostly because it caused a monumental upheaval in me.
It was a cascade effect that slipped from place to place.
In the end I discovered the fat was a byproduct..
even bigger than the fat were the relationships.


All of them.
Based on faulty perceptions of who I was, what I wanted, how the world works....


My marriage, over the last 6 years, by necessity,  was taken apart....stripped down and is still in the process of re assembly.
It's about 60 percent there...
The funny thing.
I had to be okay with the letting go of it before it began to heal.
Because when you cling to the idea of something too hard, it gives you no room to view it from a truthful perspective.
I also had to release my friendships, re examine them and then approach them from a different angle.
I was stuck in the paradigm that for it to be love, it had to hurt.
Not consciously....
Because that was what I was taught.
I also tended to pick people who needed me to earn love or friendship.
Or friends who would 'correct' me.
Not all of them, but a great many.
And in the midst of my panic when my marriage was at it's worst..
I went and picked a job that was a mirror image of most of my other relationships.
The ones where you give and give...and people take and take..or it's all surface and no depth.


I wanted friendships like I experienced with a select few growing up....
honest, up front and loyal.
(circumstances being what they were back then...all of us in some deep shit, we had nothing but each other.. Life isn't like that here.)
But my mindset up to two or three years ago, really didn't allow it.
Although I didn't really know it.


In the middle of all this changing perspective, my childhood friend moved here from across the country.
Since she had been a stay at home mom for quite some time...and had no work experience, but was about to get her bachelors degree.
I helped her get a job at my store.
Her name was Channa.
We were tight in high school.
I would spend weekends at her house.
She was always honest and vulnerable in a way that I could not be.
I am honest intellectually.
She was honest emotionally.
It all hung out there.
She never hid anything.
When she was sad, she cried
Happy, she laughed- big.


She let you see her pain.
She let you know her opinion.
And she was a generous friend...willing to give her time and attention to her friends in a real way, not the bullshit way so many do. 
Where they smile and pretend to be happy..but maybe are jealous...
She was truly happy. 
She bought people little gifts to celebrate their milestones.
She was  happy when you were happy. 
Sad when you were sad.
She was on your side.
She was all in.
She didn't weigh pros and cons.
If she saw you fucking up..she didn't think "live and let live'....
She told you.


And from the day she started working there, she started calling people on their bullshit.
Me included.
"Why do you allow this...why don't you say that."
Referring to breaks I never took, help and credit I had earned but never received.
Her critical narrative was irritating.
I needed a paycheck.
 I needed this job.
 It didn't matter how shitty the job, or how shitty the paycheck.
Little by little she was pointing out how I had once again, settled.
I had all this baggage...and all this responsibility.
I had worked my way up to a full time position with benefits.
All the while...
She was looking for another job.
In the midst of a reoccurrence of her symptoms of epilepsy...drug changes that made her ill and unable to eat...a big military move.


And she kept pounding away. Sending 15 resumes out a day, between doctors appointments and throwing up and taking care of her husband and her son.


In between all this, she was reminding me, always reminding me, of the one place I didn't want to think about.
She would say things like..".We came up hard, we are tough, we can take it."
And I would say to myself..."Yeah, why do you think I left."
I left and never looked back.
I wanted normal.
Sedate.
average.
I wanted a life well tended, carefully manicured..


We hung out...looking over old photos.
And I began to remember the old me.
Who never cared about my couch, my clothes or other people's perceptions.
I used to do what I was passionate about.
In high school, that was art.
Now.
It was this idea of helping women overcome their obstacles to achieving the life they desired.
My husband and I had long since settled our differences over a multitude of issues.
I had paid my college loan.
Now I was stalling.
saying things to myself like..
."after we get a new roof'.
or..
"after we get some new carpeting..."


I have always prided myself on my pragmatism.
Cowardice often masquerades as pragmatism.


The last time I saw Channa was October 22nd, 2015...a job opportunity did not work out...and she wanted to rescind her two weeks notice.  I called my boss, and we got that taken care of...she hugged me and said, "See you next week."


Then on October 25th, 2015.
I received a text from Brian.
Channa's husband.
She had a seizure in the bathtub and drowned.
She was 42.


Here is the bottom of my chicken coop.
I have been afraid my whole life, of making foolish decisions.
Of being like my mother.
When I left, I thought I left the old me behind.
To build a new me.
That's what I thought weight loss was about.
It wasn't.
I was about looking at the old me and honoring that, and now adding to what was true.
Now I know what was true....and is true.
I did come up hard, and it taught me compassion.
It also gave me my honesty, and my perseverance.
Now, from Channa, I take my fearlessness.
 I am  building my existence on a foundation of steel.
I tell you what.
Looking at my friend in her casket....knowing that right up till the end..she never gave in.
All her life she fought an uphill battle..
Childhood abuse, epilepsy, an abusive first marriage...which she left with no money and a one year old daughter.
She was honest and funny and brave.
and fearless.
She didn't need a new outfit for a new endeavor.
And neither do I.
She was herself..and world molded itself around her or it could fuck off.
Looking at her lying there....
And I was simply done.
Done waiting. Done settling.
Five months to the day that she died...I had my last day at my job.


I have very little extra money.
But I have enough to take care of the basics.
 I take my spending money and use it to buy a membership at empower training.
I have already participated in a self defense domestic violence seminar.
And tomorrow...
Wearing the clothing I have in my possession.
The body I have in my possession.
I start my first day of training at Tessa.
our local domestic violence prevention program.
Because the only way to begin is to begin.
Sometimes it's just quitting what you know you don't want...
and as clumsily and haphazardly as you can imagine...
beginning.
I'm done fearing failure...
better to try and fail..
than fail to begin.
Because you think to begin is to require a whole new you..
when beginning is what creates it.
There is no flip of a switch.
There is no magic but what you make.


And your world will never change unless you change it.
I'm all in from here on out.
Chris

Channa, Brian and Jared

What I gave up

Like I wrote in my last post...to lose weight, you reason must be stronger than why you want to keep it..
It's a serious decision that our society lauds, yet undermines continuously.
When I decided to lose weight, I had to give up the notion that what I weighed was harmless..and that it hurt only me.
Looking back on the years I spent tired, in pain, ashamed of how I looked, frustrated and defeated.
You can't live like that and not have it affect everyone and everything around you.

I could honestly cry.
If I believed in doing that.
Which I don't.
The only thing worse than the time I wasted in that particular state..
Would be to spend more time wishing it hadn't happened.
So...
I gave up floating along.
Letting life happen, but not fully participating.

I gave up the comfort of food.
Now I have to feel emotions, past and present...
And learn how to feel, deal and express them.

I gave up the comfort of magical thinking.
I think every fat.person has truly believed at one point or another that someday, they were  going to find the magic pill or the right food combination..they would wake up one day and love exercise...and all that weight would melt away.
It's never going to happen like that..
Weight loss, like everything, is a day in and day out commitment to living a disciplined existence where serious work and effort is rewarded.
I learned that respect is earned..
And it starts with treating yourself with respect...
Self esteem is a natural outgrowth of effort and achievement.
To feel better I had to take steps and do better.
And finally..I gave up the victim card.
I accepted that every aspect of my life from the time I reached adulthood to now was a product of my choices, decisions and efforts...or lack thereof.
It's a truly humbling moment.
But until you reach the point where you accept responsibility for your life...you allow the locus of control to remain outside of you. And you will never change anything if you do not accept that you, and only you, have the power to change your life.
The great thing about realising this, is that for every harmful decision made...for every undrawn boundary, every  time you settled or quit...you can, in the next moment, decide something different.
As surely as you can pick up your finger and touch your nose.
You can open your mouth and say no.
Close your mouth at 8 pm to food.
Use your legs to walk away from a toxic relationship.
It's your decision.
I gave up the fantasy that life was happening to me.
And realised I could float, abdicate and die living half a life.
Or I could swim, rule and live, then die knowing I lived every minute.

It was worth it..it's still worth it..and that decision applies to every thing you do.

Chris out.

The essence of achieving lasting change

The essence of change is knowing yourself where you are, envisioning who you want to become..and then charting a course between these two points.

Weight loss gurus tell you it looks like this..

.--------------"eat less"-----------------------"move more"---------------"goal weight".

Problem solved.

N.....o......t........t.....r......u......e

I've said before that morbid obesity is usually a symptom of a larger problem.

It can be a shield.

An excuse.

A reason.

A validation.

Your reason to lose the weight has to be bigger than your reason to keep it.

The problem is...

You may not know what the reason for your misuse of food IS, until you begin to lose the weight.

Or how BIG the reason is...

So your wanting to lose the weight has got to be bigger than wanting to look good in a pair of jeans..

For many morbidly obese people..

It isn't even something they can imagine...

Your reason for weight loss is ultimately going to be life altering.

And no one prepares you..

No one.

It is exhilarating.

And frightening..

For me..I couldn't see past two hundred pounds..

I got down to 148 and stalled because I didn't have a reason to continue.i also had overwhelming fear...

My real reason I was fat.

I was afraid of attention from men..

Not a little afraid..

Phobic afraid.

Then life intervened.

I got a job blah blah blah...

Whatever. 

Now I have my reason to lose the rest of the weight..and it involved nothing less than finding my life's purpose.

Like a graphic I once saw...your weight loss journey..if it's real change, will not happen in a six month burst of juicing glory..

Or cabbage soup.

Or pills...

It is a long, hard road of learning to use food in its proper context. Learning to cope with emotions...deal with trauma...find your joy and embrace the change.

And that's just the weight loss...

I write this not to discourage anyone..but to encourage someone.

Someone, somewhere...thinks because they've had a setback..it's over.

It's not over...you have learned something essential.

Now move forward.

The essence of change is a continuous process of learning, applying and growing.  

But you have to begin.

So begin.

Mental might

It's all mental.
All of it.
All of life.
From the moment you are born til the day you draw your last.
There is one thing that will propel you, or bury you.
Your mind.
If you can't control your mind, you will never be able to control your life.
My mind was shaped and framed from an early age with two diametrically opposed points of view.
My first shaper was Duane.
My stepfather.
A man shaped by his abusive upbringing.
He lacked the fortitude, the wherewithal, or perhaps the innate ability to change.
His inner rage projected itself through total control of our every movement.
A demand that we not speak or laugh.
To how we chewed our food.
To what we were allowed to touch.
He used derogatory nicknames like "stupid"
Then,
When he was drunk.
He would terrorise us for hours with a belt.
Snapping it in front our faces to frighten us.
He would whip us by turns.
For hours.

My other shapers were positive.
My mother, until the abuse started, would read to me...books.
The bible.
She taught me to read at the age of four.
She worked hard.
And she fought back.
There is plenty she could have done in the midst of the abuse.
But I have come to terms with my abuser, and my moms role in it.
Part of the healing and recovery I have engaged in over the last five years.

Up to the age of six it was solely my mother.
After the age of six it was church.
Which I volunteered for.
One day, I simply asked.
And I went.
There I learned how real fathers were supposed to act.
And what real love should look like.

Who God thought I was...planned and precious.
I didn't know it at the time.
But these positive experiences would become valuable weapons in my fight to become whole.
You may not know it, but you have weapons too.
Somewhere, someone loved you.
Someone supported you.
Even in passing.
They spoke a truth you held on to...
Even amidst the constant barrage of pain and criticism.
Even in your darkest moments.
When you are waging a war in your own mind.
Deep down, you know which voice you want to prevail.
Now to let that person win.
It begins and ends in the mind.

The first step is this. 

 Are you where you want to be.

Are you who you want to be.

If that answer is no...

And you feel as if you have been rowing forever, and getting no where?

You are worn out, as if you've been fighting..but in reality, you haven't moved?

Nothing has changed?

For years? 

Then you have two voices in your head...

And your mental struggle is sapping your energy and your will to improve.

It's time to identify your inner dialogue.

If you have to...write it down.

When is the best time to hear your negative dialogue?

When you are in the midst of struggling to overcome something that has been your hangup for years. 

If it's weight...go to the gym to work out, and then stop and listen to your inner dialogue.  

If you enjoyed a dinner but then feel horrible..listen..write it down.

If you want to hear the part of you that is positive...do something you've a natural talent for, that makes you happy.  Write down that inner voice.

This is the very, very beginning of self awareness.  

To Know what your thinking.

It may seem simple, obvious even.

But when I began to listen to my inner voice. 

I was shocked at the things I told myself.

The shame and derision I buried myself under...for years.

No wonder I was stuck and tired.

So...the first step...

Awareness.

Chris out.

Epiphany!!! I figured out my life's purpose.

For over a year now, I have been bouncing around...trying to figure out what in the hell I want to do.
I wanted to help young girls develope self esteem...that's the beginning of everything.
Then I met many young men who were not given the tools THEY needed to excel.
And I thought...what about them?
Then I thought, you can't help everyone.
 Can you?
Then I thought about the way of the warrior...
 Bushido.
How much I believe in life in every breath and living every moment...
And how so many people had simply given up.
Or settled for less...

So, today, as I was marking down items at the store...
And I was talking aloud to myself...
Trying to figure out what it was that I wanted..
I said aloud..
"It is not my job to inquire about your battle..
It is to equip you for the fight."
Out loud.
I didn't even know where it came from....until I thought of the idea of the whole armour of God.
Then I thought of bushidos seven guiding principles.
That is it in a nutshell...
I want to teach people how to fight and win their individual battles!
It doesn't matter what it is!
Because many times..the war we THINK we are fighting is not really the war we are fighting.
It's a battle within the war.
What is important is having the keys to the will to fight.
I have been doing it all my life.
Weight loss was just one fight inside this gigantic struggle.
A small piece of a much larger pie.
But the great thing is...it's all the same fight..
The same steps.
The same mentality!

Now...where do I teach that? 

In self defense class...on a new blog? 

Volunteering with tessa? 

I don't know.

But at least I know what I want to do now.

Chris out.

Sometimes the best thing you can do..

Is tell someone to BLOW IT OUT THEIR ASS!

Just did it, felt great.

so ends this public service announcement.

My Achilles heel

Is my open and honest nature.

This might seem to be something I would have learned earlier in life, right?

Well.. No.
I got married at 19 and raised a family.
We moved a lot and I was never social for many reasons.
Many times, our strengths can be weakness in the hands of the wrong person.
Just like we don't share our truth with people who don't appreciate it...

I need to learn that people will take advantage of my work ethic and need to excel, if they are a dishonest or manipulative person.

Now that I know how to express my feelings...which is 'good'.   I want to move on to the next hurdle...controlling my emotions in certain situations...particularly with people who would use it to manipulate me.
At work in particular.
I have a boss who wants to make money...loads...because she wants a divorce.
So the level at which I had been keeping the store is no longer good enough...she says things meant to push my buttons...
And I didn't pick up on it...I honestly thought I was doing , or must be doing something differently or wrong..though nothing had changed.
She said 'well, just write the cashiers lists of things...too many things...they will stress and work harder."
That's what she had been doing to me.
Because she knew I placed a high priority in being seen as hard working.
I had given a dishonest person ammunition.
In life, you know who you can trust.
Yep. That person...the one person you could tell anything to. Where you buried the body, your most embarrassing moment etc....and it won't be used against you...it will never be mentioned again.
That is the person you can be completely open and honest with.
Or here with you all...we have nothing to gain or lose here...just increased knowledge, and the feeling of not being alone...but with work acquaintances..associates...no.
Now to regain mystery. It will be quite the slog.
But the first genie is already back in the bottle.
Now I know.
Knowledge is the first step.
If there is someone you have given your innermost motivations away to...and they are living at a basic level...this is your opportunity to withdraw and regain leverage.
Those types believe what they see...never give them undo advantage.
Be firm, polite, friendly...but give no personal information...and when they push your buttons, file it under manipulation and focus on winning the encounter.
One day at a time will win it.
Chris out.

The way of the warrior

*quick edit...I don't advocate women staying in physically violent relationships! FLEE..and do it now.  My fight analogy was more an allegory for life..was not clear and I apologise. By fighting, I mean fight for a life free from abuse..And that only happens when you value your personal and physical boundaries and are capable of backing them up. Mentally, physically and spiritually...and for many women financially. Any woman planning to leave needs to have a safe plan. 

They say there are two general reactions to stress.
Fight or flight.
When I was little, and I was picked on...it wasn't in me to run away.
When told I couldn't do something, it made me want to try harder...
And when faced with an aggressive person...I go into full fight mode.
I get that from my mother.
When I asked her what she thought the first time Duane hit her..she said, in my mind I thought "oh, it's on!" Lol.
I never witnessed an episode of abuse where my mom didn't fight back...her mistake was thinking she was going to save him.
So...what I am saying..is that I come by my instinctive fight naturally.
As my mom always said...they may be bigger..they may win...but when we are through they are going to wish they never messed with me.

I have seen many young ladies..and men who's first instinct is flight...and while flight from physical danger can save your bacon...mental or spiritual flight can trap you...
And I have pondered this problem.
How to give someone a fighting spirit...
You can't.
They have to want it.
All you can do is show them how.
The most powerful moment I have had in martial arts was watching a finger lock take a grown man to the ground. The knowledge that it wasn't sheer force, or size that mattered. But ability and knowledge...
That gave me such a feeling of power and freedom from the illusion of fear, that I was never the same again.http://youtu.be/dSces0ikInY

That is a link to the style of defense I will be teaching...that is the finger lock I was shown. 

I think people flee when they have no hope of winning...and stand and fight when they feel strong.  

But sometimes life has beaten you so far down that fighting seems like too much energy...

Sometimes it takes mini victories...setting boundaries, losing a pound, saying no...to begin to get your fight back.  I have been reading two books...my fight/your fight by Ronda rousey. And modern bushido by a dude named bohdi sanders.

I have a few months left before the traing center is up and running and a year or two before I can conceive of training anyone else...now is the time to  research my teaching style, my philosophy, my approach and really study the different resources here in town so that I am locked in on all fronts with what I am trying to accomplish...I'll be writing here a lot more...there is no fruit without relationship...and one person fighting alone will never equal the combined strength of many committed people pulling together. 

Chris out

The past is a rip tide

Hello all...this is the third leg of my journey..
What does that mean...
When I first began this journey...I didn't know it was a journey...
I was just a bebopping along one day, looked up and noticed I was fat...and wanted to get unfat.
So I began.
And from that moment til a few months ago...I thought that getting past my past was the whole deal. The big enchilada....if I could just 'cure' myself and be normal...I would be fine.
I thought the cure was losing weight.
And I did...I knew I was miles out to sea.
I knew I had a long hard swim.
But through grit and determination...I would succeed.
And I did succeed.
And in doing so...dug up a great many painful things that I had to work through.
Yeah me...
But as I got healthier, I realised I had built my entire life on the lie that I was inferior and needed to be fixed, and as a matter of course, had invited attitudes and relationships into my life during a time when I had no real concept of me...
That's a big one...redefining all my relationships...upsetting multiple Apple carts...finding out what I will and won't put up with, what I'm willing to give or give up...seeing if the people who matter most will stick it out. Because I refused to go back....holy shit, right.

I went from a chronically depressed 270 pound house wife to a 145 pound housewife who became a gym rat...who then went to work...because the whole upheaval caused a major marital upset....strained friendships...
I regained 30 pounds in the last three years...because I wasn't working out...on the plus side, I never slipped back into binge eating ....just too many drive throughs because I had no idea how to manage all the things on my plate....from homeschooler to cashier to manager in 9 months.
From wholly dependent to independent...from being afraid to lose my marriage to willing to let it go if it wasn't save able.
And in the process, finding my true voice.
I don't binge anymore.
I don't get the urge.

That is huge for me.
Here is the thing...
This has been a 6 year journey.
In the beginning, I could not conceive this me.
Just the idea of speaking in front of eight year olds, or talking to strange men...would put me in fear...
My past was a rip tide...before I faced every aspect of my life and the mountain of misinformation and lies my entire existence was built on?
I could swim as hard as I wished for the shore...
But I kept being swept further and further out to sea...
In a riptide...you have to swim parallel to get to shore....
Sometimes for quite a ways.
That's how it's been for me...
I would think NOW I CAN SWIM TO SHORE!
But the past was still waiting.
My final hurdle was my unforgiveness...
Keeping me in the rip tide...
I didn't know how to let go because it seemed like he was getting off easy...

Much like jack and rose in titanic...I had a dead corpse lounging around my small bit of ship.
I finally realised that it didn't matter how he "got off"...just so long as he did...cause he was dragging me down.
And then two days ago, I realised that I had a more heightened awareness than a lot of people around me...some people label this a bad thing...'hyperawareness'
I have finally realised that everything is only as bad or good as we give it weight to be...and every experience is a gift or a curse.
You choose.
I choose gift...
I choose to break free from the riptide.

From the dead weight of the past.
Because fuck normal, I want great...

And I am prepared to fight and win great.
Breaking free from the past is only the beginning...healing yourself...only a start.
Now for the life I WANT...not the one I settle for.

What does the me I have built from the ground up want to contribute?

Well, I have already figured that out...I want to help women find what I found. 

And in the process, so completely break the cycle that they, like me, will look back on their former selves and not recognise the person out there on the horizon who had struggled and failed and struggled and failed...because they didn't know that we're caught in a riptide.

I want to teach them that first and foremost, no one has the right to touch them without their consent.

I want to help women who have been stripped of their personhood through violence and abuse..reclaim their bodies, their power and their voice.

That is me.

That is what I am going to do.

Thank you all for all of your support..and I hope you hang around for my third leg.

The defense institute closed last year, but one of the owners is opening a new training center called empower.  (How great is that name?!)

I have already established my eating and exercising..and when the new empower training center opens, I will be there..and so will you guys.

Thanks for listening.

Chris out.

A note to my abusive "father"

As far as notes go...this will be a strange one.

It's a thank you note...not a sarcastic thank you...but a real thank you.

First I want to thank you for inadvertantly leading me to God.

You weren't the only reason...but you were a part of the reason.

I still remember reading in church, that God was a father to the fatherless.

And what more perfect or unblemished father can there be.

Thank you for teaching me patience....every time you yelled, or slapped or beat.

It was out of uncontrollable rage. 

I learned, watching you, how pathetic it looks.

How poisonous it is to a child's soul...

I keep it in mind when my children made mistakes...that it wasnt the end of the world, just a mistake.

It taught me the importance of listening, of seeing someone as a wholly separate person. 

A person who should have the inalienable right to be free of coercion and fear.

That a child is not a thing to be controlled or crushed into submission.

They are to be raised with the knowledge that they are loved and valued and they determine their steps.

 I am simply here to guide and facilitate.

And over the last five years, I have learned that all those things I hold as true in child raising...hold true for me as well.

Your abuse taught me compassion for those who are weak or can't defend themselves...

it also taught me to be silent and observe. 

Because so much that I wanted to express was forbidden.

I also learned in my silence that a truth was a truth whether expressed or not.

And the one thing that angers a coward is truth.

It also scares a coward...

And that's what you were, a coward.

You felt out of control and worthless, and tried to make me feel the same...

And I learned, in my stillness and quiet and my faith, that you could not take the essence of me unless I let you.

And I did not.

I learned I was tough and not easily broken.

Like a little acorn...I kept all my truth and beauty inside...because with  some people (you) and in some places..it isn't safe to sprout.

It's only in the last two years that I learned to let my freak flag fly...with people I cherish and respect.

And finally, when my mother left you...I learned what the spirit felt when it is let out of a cage...

I have learned that my truth isn't less true just because I don't share it with everyone. 

Not every person is worthy.

Your sudden switches in temperament and disposition taught me to 'read a room'...I can spot tension from a dozen paces. 

It made me a keen observer of human behaviour.

Which has probably saved my bacon more times than I can count.

My childhood caused me to read more books on psychological motivation, situational ethics, criminal and violent tendencies and the like...

Had I had a normal childhood, I highly doubt these subjects would have topped my reading list.

But more than all of that, your abuse made me want to stop it in the only way it can be stopped...by never starting. 

By training young women how to think and set boundaries, both physical and mental...

So that abusers run when confronted...because the manipulation and lies don't work straight out of the gate.

So thank you...

For teaching me that fear is bullshit.

It's the wizard behind the curtain..

Whether it's fear of a person, in my case, an ineffectual man-child.

Who can be defeated by pulling back the curtain and exposing him to the light...

A hollow man.

Or a truth unexpressed.

Or an idea that isn't popular.

Or a dream that seems impossible

Fear is bullshit.

Now you have served your full purpose in my life. 

I understand it all..and I would not be who I am now, if not for what I went through then. 

So.

I forgive and forget you.

But, just so you know...

My drive, strength and determination..my inner warrior.

All me baby.

Chris out.

How to make the big decisions

Big title.

This subject is on my mind for reasons I can't fully express..

(Not my marriage...it's better than it has been in years. A subject for another post)

I am speaking of decisions that are incredibly painful...life and death..beginnings and endings.

I speak of decisions that you know SHOULD be made..but aren't being made because someone doesn't want to make the final call.

Because doing so means bearing the weight of the outcome.  

The uncomprehending censure of strangers who have no skin in the game. 

It means being the one with dirty hands because you were the only one with the courage to put a stop to it...call an end to it..start the fight...make the tough calls..fire the person...protect the people. 

It's leadership.  

And for once I am going to give props to my abusive stepfather.

This is a tough story...if you have a sensitive soul or stomach, look away.

When I was about seven or eight...we had a beagle named jack.

He was a great dog, but he was always slipping his chain and running loose...(back in those days...dogs were outside. Period). Well, on this particular day, we were running with jack in the yard...and he went too far..and ran into the road.  Where he was struck by a truck.  

It had crushed his back end and his insides were outside...but being a child..I didn't know that wasn't fixable..I ran inside to get Duane.  He came out and knelt next to that dog and petted him..the dog was yelping....I couldn't hear what Duane said..but he stood up and lit a cigarette and just stood there for a second.  Then he turned and walked back toward the house..all three of us kids started crying, asking..."aren't you going to help?! " 

And I will never forget this, he pointed and said.."GET IN THE HOUSE." 

He said it twice..so we started back for the house, and when we got there, he was coming out with his rifle.  I turned around on the porch..and Duane went up to jack, petted him one last time and then shot him in the head. 

I was so horrified. 

I just stood there...and it was only something I can understand now, as an adult. 

The nearest vet was 40 miles away.  

That dog was suffering. 

 And someone had to fix it.  

Not every decision in life is like that.

But when it is, someone has to take the lead...take the heat.

When everyone knows that something needs to done, but no one does it...there is a decision being made.

Duane could have scraped that dog off the pavement, knowing there was no hope..

to look like the good guy. 

To save himself from having to shoot his favorite (and it was his favorite) hunting dog.

He could have allowed that dog the indignity of a slow, agonising death over forty miles of washboard country roads.  

The dog no doubt dying somewhere along the way.  

That would have been easier.

When there is a painful decision to be made, very often we decide by not deciding.  

It's a strategy that can delay pain, but usually someone has to pay...

for a woman in an abusive relationship..it could be her children...

For a woman who finds a lump in her breast but, puts off seeing the doctor...it is both her, and her family...

for an accountant who sees fraud but doesn't report it, retirees are stripped of their retirement...

for the relatives of the mentally unstable, or drug abusers..

the lack of confrontation can lead to an over dose.  

Or in the case of Adam Lanza..the death of twenty children.  

and for a man and his dog, it's a creature who is unable to ease its own suffering..made to linger and die.

We need more courageous leaders.  

We need more people willing to stand up and take the heat.

Lately I have noticed my deferral...I have been putting off switching jobs.

My original intent was to get enough experience to work at a bank. 

I would rather work with women who are extricating themselves and their children from abusive situations. 

I would like to work for tessa. 

In an administrative assistant capacity.  

I would like to do the nuts and bolts work of referring services, helping these women help themselves.

I would also like to resume my training and teach self defense. 

Neither of which are possible should I continue full time in my current position. 

So I am beginning to learn some skills that I will need to get the job I desire...I need to learn excel, word, and business writing.

  I will disappoint some people when I choose to move on, but it's better than disappointing myself.

Don't decide by not deciding.

Don't drift to the end of your life unfulfilled because of fear of failure, or incurring the displeasure of people who will not even remember your name in five years.

You only have one life with which to make an impact. I don't plan to spend one minute more than is necessary doing something I merely tolerate...when I could be doing something I love.

Chris out.

The importance of praise

Boy...I don't blog much...I think I am developing a pattern though. I blog when I have something to clarify in my own mind...

What has been on my mind lately is this concept of leadership. 

Since becoming a manager I have gone through distinct stages...and as I evolve in my job, I have come to understand the meaning of the phrase "it's lonely at the top. "

Now understand, I am hardly holding a prestigious position. 

I am a full time assistant manager at a dollar store. 

That being said...some things are an across the board proposition.  

Once you are seen to be in a position of responsibility...certain things are no longer allowed...you can't skip facing a problem..in fact, you are called on to solve other people's problems...

And you can have a bad day...you just can't allow it to show...and if you don't really know the exact way to proceed, you'd better work at it till you figure it out. Quitting is not an option...

And finally..and most importantly...when you lead, it's important to not only spot the problem...but to commend the effort. 

I have boss who is excellent at spotting the issues...bad at praising good effort. She is a hard worker..she is fair..but much like me, came up rough. We were both more likely to get a swift boot in the ass than a thank you, or a good job.  

But after going through the last few years...and all that entailed...and coming to realise, through blogging and mental reprogramming, the power of words...the words "great job" or "thank you" can be as motivating as a pay raise...and picking out the one thing NOT done in amongst the plentitude of hard work given by a well intentioned employee will kill any initiative and drive that had previously resided in their soul.  

In short...sometimes it's better to ignore the minor fault and praise the major effort.

This goes for you...your kids..employees..spouses.  

Will nitpicking the small fault Instill a sense of motivation?  

Maybe, in a small minority.

In, I would say, 80 percent of people...it brings forth resentment and apathy...

As dale Carnegie said in his book winning friends etc. if you are going to criticize, begin with honest praise...and end with constructive criticism.  

You'll get more out of yourself and others if people know that their efforts are seen, felt and appreciated.

Chris out.