bloggy break....

Hey guys,
Apparently I am getting some sort of malware notices...or something.
I am going to be on hiatus for a while to sort this out. I don't want to infect anyone with anything.
I may end up moving my blog...we'll see.
I hope not.
Talk at you later.
Chris out.

attitude of gratitude...

well, I have been shlumping about quite a bit lately.
blah blah got no money..
So I thought I would make a list of everything I am grateful for.

1.) I have everything I NEED.
I have food, clothing, and a roof over my head.
Heck, I have more than I need.  I have different
kinds of clothes...I have exercise clothes, I have a jacket and a winter coat.  I have dress shoes and tennis shoes etc.

2.) I am actually 5'4...not 5'3.5 (Just found this out at the doctors....lol)   Which puts my normal weight a little higher! yeah me!

3.) I have two beautiful children and a husband who have a good attitude about paying down debt and not spending money.

4.) It's been raining like crazy so I don't have to water my garden (hence saving on my water bill).

5.) I have brothers whose weddings I may miss, but who I am close to.

6.) I have a mother who cared enough to work and take care of us while we were growing up.

7.) I have my health..except for the ear...which is getting better.

8.) I have good friends.

9.) I still have my dog even though my cat ran off.

10.) I don't have to buy pumpkins, because we have grown some biggun's in our back yard.

What are you grateful for?

I burned 640 calories today.
I am in some physical distress but otherwise fully functioning...a little sore.
But, hey...it's nothing to compare to boot camp.
Today was a good day to be alive.
God bless.
Chris out.

exercise for da po' folk (and songs for the putz)

Hello,
Well, I didn't get to go to my brother's wedding because I didn't have the money.
That was irritating.
alright.
that upset me.
You know why I don't have money.
debt.
duh.
lol.
don't we all...
But besides current monthly expenses being ridiculous...we have debt that eats our money every month.
car payment, mortgage payment and college loan...That's it, but those are some doozies.
And I am tired of debt..
So I am going to pay it off.
That means I am 'poor on purpose'.
That means saying no alot.
to me.
to the kids.
to everyone.
and that's okay.
but...if going to the gym is going to be a rare thing...
what ever shall I do?
well...
a little something I like to call 'exercise for da po' folk'.
lol.
Today I did a 6 mile ruck march.
Funny how the army didn't need a gym membership to get me into shape.
I don't want to spend money on gas to the gym till I need it...(november/December?)
So I will jog and ruck march and do free weights at home.
It costs no gas money.
And it is hard.
And it works.
so...six mile ruck 3 days a week plus toning Tuesday, thursday and saturday ...
1 mile jog with 100 modified pushups and situps monday wednesday and friday,plus 3.5 mile ruck at night.
For the next 8 weeks.
Kind of like boot camp.
And like bootcamp...I have my first blister.
Go me.
Chris out.

real hunger vs. emotional hunger

I was thinking on this today..
mostly because I didn't want to think on today.
September 11th.
I was going to write about it...but to this day the main emotion is rage.
impotent rage.
yes, sorry for the people who died...that is the main source of the rage.
The pain and fear they faced as they died.
Yes, amazed at the people on flight 93..
but my whole set up is fight fight fight.
That day nearly made me rejoin the army.
It took my mom to talk me out of it.
So I thought of it...and realized little could be said without a liberal use of profanity.
I don't see lessons to be learned unless it's this....live each day as if it's your last..
because you never know when some scum sucking piece of trash is going to have the urge to take innocent people, and use them and the plane they are on to murder other innocent people.
So to the victims
Rest in peace.
To the families...I will never forget.
moving on.

I was thinking on how to distinguish emotional hunger from real hunger.
And I finally got it.
Emotional hunger never wants a bowl of spinach
So the next time you are tempted to eat at 9 at night say...
"I can have any kind of veggie I want, but no ranch dressing, no cheese on top...just veggies.
And then see if the 'want to' still overwhelms you.
If it does, I say "Eat UP!" lol.
If it don't I say...give it a pass.
Did good today.
Hope you all did as well.
Chris out.

what it means to be thin.....

I started thinking about this when someone posted a comment asking me to talk about what it feels like to be on the other side of the thin wall.

Well, It's hard to explain.
Because much like being on the other side...You forget what it's like to not be the way you are now..
You remember in a kind of distant, hazy way...
But not like you are living it day to day.
You see...
There are things that are no longer a reality for me.
Things like:
Laying in bed at night and imagining what it would be like to be thin.
Then crying because you 'know' it will never happen...you are doomed to be fat.
Not wanting to go up the stairs to retrieve something because it sounds (and is) too tiring.
Trying to skip out on going to the zoo because you know you are going to pay for it the following day when you can barely stand, because the pain in your feet is epic.
Being afraid of going to the movie theater because you might not fit in the seat...
Feeling like every fatty piece of food that passes your lips is some sort of proof of your inability to get it together.
Being ignored in stores when trying to get help with an issue.
Getting nasty or disgusted stares from men.
It doesn't happen anymore.
So I decided to go back to some of my earlier posts....
when one section really leapt out at me..
In fact, it made me cry for the person I used to be...

All of us fat girls know this, we make up for our weight by using humor, being accomodating, and putting ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. We put ourselves down before anyone else does. We make Jokes at our own expense that say "See, you don't have to feel bad, I know I am fat...I'll be the funny one, the nice one, the one who listens to everyone's problems while stuffing down my own with food. I don't want to get in anyones way, I am not worth taking up anyones time, even my own.". Let me get out of the way, make the cookies for the bake sale, listen to you drone on about your gout, accept backhanded compliments with grace, and not be a nuisance. Let me try to fit my exercise around your likes, dislikes, dinnertimes, dance class, piano lessons, phone calls, errands and cleaning. If I can find the time I will get myself healthy, if not, well then...that's okay because everyone else is happy and that's what matters.

See all that.
I don't do that anymore...not ANY of it.
In fact...I look in the mirror and like what i see...yes, even naked.
I can walk for miles...and love the zoo...we go all the time.
I walked my kids into the dirt on the last family hike.
If  someone says something mean or hurtful, I don't just accept it, internalize it and then eat it.
I tell them how I feel about it.
Man is THAT liberating.
Oh, I still take my kids around...
But I make my exercise a priority.
I make me a priority.
And as a result...my motivation for doing nearly everything has changed from have to, to want to.
From operating from a place of deficit and less than.
To operating from a place of love and self worth.
I didn't just get thin.
I got happy.
Because I deserve to be happy.
That was my biggest realization.
Because I am enough and though I may have moments of self doubt, they don't hang aroun d like they used to....
I am worth the time and effort, and so are you.
That is what it means to lose weight and grab hold of your health, and to reverence your life.
So hang in there.
It's worth doing.
Hugs,
Chris

The End of Summer

I can feel it.
It's in the breeze when I sit on my front porch.
It's in the feeling you get when you take a walk and the sun is heading for the horizon early.
It's the feeling that has an echo.
The echo of all the other summers that slid away.
Today It made me melancholy.
I was watching the sun set and I decided to go up and get my girls an ice cream.
And as we drove back we turned up the radio and sang along.
And I remembered..
The summers I would go down to 8 point lake and swim and then drip dry in the sun.
When the tigers won the pennant in 84.
The summer I was 16 and thought my heart was broken by a boy named ellery...

ellery.
lol.

The summer I spent as a counselor in Training.
listening to a guy named steve play the guitar while we sang along..
and then lay under the stars for hours just talking.

The four summers I worked at the barn, riding horses and goofing off.

The summer before I joined the army spent cruising up and down main street in clare for no other reason than that there was nothing to do...
and then getting a marriage proposal and realizing that i was on the verge of making big decisions...Knowing that marriage to that particular person was not in my deck of cards...
  and the weekends I spent just riding my bike tither and yon.

I wonder what my kids will remember from their summers.

Have a great night,
Hugs,
Chris

Till I collapse

Hello.

Back from my self imposed exile.
You all must think I love exercise.
I do it enough.
But I hate it.
I really do.
I like the way it makes me feel.
I love the benefits.
I have no urge to make it fun.
Because you know what I hated more than I hate exercise.
Knowing that of all the people that had abandoned me and hurt me over my life..
I had hurt myself more than all of them combined.
And self induced pain and shame is something I hate more than a little exercise.
The hour or two I spend every day making sure it never happens again.
Worth it.

I remember once being around 190 lbs...
My heart started racing and I felt light headed.
and  I thought:
 "I am going to drop dead on this stupid machine."
The following thought was...(because this is how my mind works.)
"She died doing what she hated."
lololol.
The follow on thought to that was...
"But at least I died trying."
and I kept going.

So, I was listening  to this song today...I love eminem.
I get him and he would get me if he knew me.
And man...It's what I have felt like sometimes.
Really all through my life.
And
As I was sitting in church on Sunday contemplating the notion of spiritual gifts (and still trying to figure what mine was or is)
When it came to me.
I finally realized what spiritual gift I have.
I am a fighter.
Always have been...
I do it naturally.
Quitting is a foreign concept.

But
Trying to lose that last 10-20 lbs.
It has been a struggle.
To balance weight loss and life.
Feeling myself pulled in 20 different directions.
But if there is one thing I have learned.
A divided mind is a mind easily conquered.
You have to know your purpose.
And
Be willing to pay any price.
I am willing now.
 I have decided to give a good hard run at it these last four months of this year.
See where I get if I 'apply' myself.
So, hard core never hurt...
In fact, it works.
When irresistable force meets moveable object.
Irresistable Force Always Wins.
You aren't a failure till you quit.
I am no quitter.
I'm going to finish this.
Chris out.