Fear or Rage? I am thinking Rage.

I called my mom today and talked to her.
I told her about the oppressive feeling in my chest when I start losing more weight...
I asked her questions about that time when Duane lived with us.
I remember quite a few things...but there are blank spots.
And my mom reminded me of something I had forgotten.
She reminded me that he liked to wait a few days till you felt the danger had passed to dole out unexpected punishment.
He would act like everything was fine..
Then suddenly it wouldn't be fine.
It was typically violent.
He was very good at scaring the shit out of people.
When we were 'disciplined'...it would usually be at night.
Typically after he had gotten home, after he had gone to the bar..gotten drunk..gotten angry and then wanted to know who had done something.
It could be something like eat his candy bar out of the refridgerator.
As I recall that was a three hour ordeal.
Us sitting with our backs to our bunkbeds on the floor...while he took turns snapping the belt in our faces or whacking us upside the head to get one of us to 'confess'.
At that point my older brother and I had a silent understanding...neither one of us was saying shit.
Then when he was about to start in with the belt my mom would come in and draw him off and they would go at it out in the hall.
Finally he would stomp off and go to bed.
Sometimes he started hitting before mom interceded..
by intercede I mean 'throw herself on his back and have a fistfight'.
IT depended on the situation.
But it was always at night.
It was always unexpected, or out of the blue.
Somedays it was if we chewed too loudly at the kitchen table..
or were laughing and he thought we were laughing at him.
or if we ran..
or left a mess.
or didn't flush the toilet.
And as I was talking about it..
about all the emotions we weren't allowed to express.
We were never allowed to be happy..or we were laughing at him.
We were never allowed to be sad, because we looked 'stupid'.
We weren't allowed to be anxious..like when my mom was diagnosed with cancer he told her she was an idiot to worry. That she looked like a dumbass because she was crying.
That she needed to abort my brother.
If we chewed loudly, or took too much food he would call us pigs..
Then he would dump food on my plate and make me eat the whole plate because I was a "pig' and I should eat like one.
(thinking about that..next time I get the urge to eat like I shouldn't...I should keep that in mind. I control what I eat now.)
And I realized that feeling in my chest was huge and tighter...
and it was rage.
Not fear.
Maybe I am afraid of the depth of my anger.
I have seen what anger does when you do not control it.
He was an Angry, Vile Fucker.
And quite frankly..I don't know what to do with this anger.
It's just there.
There is no recompense for what he put us through.
My older brother's life is ruined...
He killed my older brother with abuse that turned into a bitterness and an anger that my older brother couldn't let go of.
I don't want to harbor this anger in me.
I want to let it go.
But I don't know how much is in there.
If there is fear in here..which there may well be when I am not conscious at night.
That just makes me angrier.
I asked my mom if she ever thought of killing him.
She said 'Yes, but I couldn't get the gun loaded'.
This was after he raped her.
She was too upset to load the gun.
I am glad...or I wouldn't have had a mom at all.
I am angry.
But I have to move forward.
Conversely,
I had a great day of eating and exercising.
I did 45 minutes and then practiced elbows and knee throws on a heavy bag.
That was cathartic.
It may become addictive.
I will be going to the gym every day from here on out.
I do better at the gym.
I do better being honest.
I will get free of this.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

It comes it goes...

It seems better when I am cleaing. My mom used to clean when she was upset. Starting to understand why...I made a doctors appointment today for the 19th to see my doctor about my insomnia..
I am hoping for a referrel. I almost chickened out sitting by the phone, the phone rings...it's the hospital wanting to schedule my annual pap test.  kismet. God.
yeah.  so I made two appointments.
I am not getting on any feelings mat.  Just sayin'. I hope they find someone that doesn't talk to you like a yuppie telling her kid to 'use his inside voice'. I can't stand that.  Back upstairs to clean..haven't eaten a thing.  Thanks you guys...the only thing I used to do and not eat was art. I will have to start that up...right now I am getting rid of things I have kept for inexplicable reasons...like my honey jar.  I have a blue pottery honey jar. It's sittiing by my bed. I like it alright..I like pottery. I don't love it. Why do I even have it. That's gone as is a puzzle box I don't particularly like. I will probably end up in a bedroom with nothing in it.

like a weight pressing on my chest.

that's what it feels like..anyone who has something to say to help me through this bit...where I would love to hoover the fridge...speak up.  Thanks guys. I know it's on me...but back up is helpful.

sleep...

got loads...of course I ate more yesterday...today is the day to start restricting calories etc.  I am also going to call the doctor for my insomnia...who I hope will refer me to a counselor so I can  really cure my insomnia. I have to have a referral.
here's to hoping.

Being completely honest....

I talk about many things.
I don't talk about everything.
I know I have spoken about fear.
Everytime I start going through the 150's...I have a big ball of fear...that gets bigger and bigger.
I know (I think) what causes it.
as I get closer to the 140's...I can't sleep.
It's the kind of insomnia that four sleeping pills cant knock out.
I refuse to up the dose...it's a bandage and not a cure.
I lay there till the sun rises.
Then I begin to eat...till I get to 159 to 160 and I can sleep again.
I am here again.
159.
again.
I can go three days losing weight, going to sleep with the pills. spend the fourth night sleepless.
eat the next three and sleep without pills.
three days losing weight etc.
I am tired of this.
I have been cleaning out my bedroom to I can move my bed. 
Growing up I had a very small room.
I feel safe in a small area with my back to a wall..
and until I can start my self defense classes...I may do this.
I know this is all tied in to feeling defenseless...
reading domestic abuse stories triggers more anxiety..of course.
So I stopped doing that for now.
But I want to move forward.
My best bet is to blog here daily.
And be totally honest with my feelings.
my weight.
my struggles.
Just like I did in the beginning.
I didn't want people to be discouraged...and so I kept silent.
Which was stupid.
I started this to help me.
I still have to help me.
So I will.
I will blog twice a day.
once in the morning about my sleeping.
once in the evening about my eating and exercise.
it's all going out there.
no hiding.
The only way through it is to do it.
I hope you guys can hang in there for this last ugly bit.
I don't think it's going to be very inspirational..
more like a a long slog through waist deep crap.
I have to learn to feel safe.
figure that one out.
I can't afford lessons on self defense till august..it's life, that's just the way it is..and even if I had lessons now...I don't think it makes a difference. It's in the brain.
I  know I am worthwhile..I know I am a good person.
I don't call myself names.
I just don't feel safe lighter...or at night..
I don't. 
My husband woke me up because I was asking..'what did I do?" in my sleep.
There is probably stuff in there I don't know about....and maybe if I push through it will come to the surface?
who knows.
yeah.
have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Steering a course for my life.

Hey guys,
Hows it going. I do feel better...still tired.
But I have been bouncing around so much lately it isn't even funny.
I know with all of us, it feels as if our lives are in transition.
And quite frankly, when you write a blog..
You know people come to 'expect' things from you.
Things like consistency and not too much of a shaking up...
I read stephen's blog post.
I think we all get lost sometimes, regardless of our good intentions.
We want to help people..even when we are still a work in progress.
To be quite frank..I can't remember the last time I had something more than an idea floating around in my head.
Something more than things that sound good..
but had no enmeshment in my life.
When I started to lose weight.
It was to be healthy.
Somewhere along the way it morphed into all sorts of things and meanings.
When what  the meaning was and still is, is health.
I want to help women be confident.
I want to learn to defend myself.
I want to be  healthy.
I also don't want to lose myself in a cause or become grim or so focused  that I can't enjoy life.
I am finally realizing that there are things I want to spend time on, and things I don't.
For instance.
I was outside the other day gardening.
And I just kept finding things to do, because the idea of going back inside was not appealing.
I don't care if the interior of my house is showroom.
I just want a very simple place to live...a few comfortable chairs...books that matter.
A tv that works.
The computer.
A place to sleep....fluffy comforters.
Not a whole lot of stuff.
I prefer to spend my time doing things.
gardening...walking...drawing...exercising.
My living area should show that.
my life should show that.
I want my likes and loves to be represented in my life.
I don't want to slog away at the gym 6 days a week.
I will go three days because I can do that and not feel suffocated.
The other three days I would prefer to ride my bike or go for a long walk outside.
I can eat clean most days.
Somedays I want to be able to have a meal without thinking.."How many calories are in this bun?"
I mean, at this point I have a round estimate...but you catch my meaning.
I don't want my life to be a long diet.
I want to be strong, fit and healthy.
I want to be relaxed and happy.
I want to live in the moment and enjoy life.
I need to find out what that means for me.
The  balance between living freely and being responsible.
I want to simplify and clarify.
I got rid of plates today that we don't use..
I want to whittle down my closet.
I want to wear clothes that I feel comfortable in and enjoy and look pretty in..
my own style..which I have finally figured out..
I have settled on a hairstyle and hair color I like.
Most people do these things in their teen years..
me...it took me till my late 30's.
I have been finding my identity.
I couldn't even begin till I had figured out what was holding me back.
Who am I, What do I want etc.
I have things in place..
And am working on steering a course into the future.
I am going to be spending a lot of time alone.
I know what I want body wise.
I know how to eat, what to eat..what and how to exercise.
Now I want to figure out how it works in the life I want to create.
What my life is going to look like day to day.
I need to get rid of things that are hindering me and allow in things that will propel me.
And as much as I love all of you.
I have to listen to my own voice, in my own head.
So I am taking a mini bloggin break.
I will be checking my email for participants.
I will send you all your questions and accept weigh ins..
I will  be back in one week.
That will give me some real time to sit and think, to pray and to look at what I want in my life, for my life.
Hope you guys have a great night.
I will see you next week.
Chris out.

sick as a dog...and question 6

Hey guys, I won't be on the computer for a day or two..I am sick. I did send out question 6 a few days back and didn't get any responses..hope all is well with you guys.
Chris out.