How in the h*ll did I get here..and How do I get out?

Hey.
I said I would write about  rebuilding yourself from the ground up and so here I am.

If you are reading this...the title brought you here...if you aren't...the title didn't interest you...
I suspect anyone reading this who was interested has been in that position.
One minute you think your fine...the next, not so much.

I have had several friends this year experience that exact feeling.
They look down one day and everything they thought was real, wasn't...everything that was going well...stopped going well...

or perhaps they were asleep at the wheel and woke up in the ninth circle of hell.
They know they were in the car..
They made the choices.
They chose the turns and the off ramps.
But now they are awake and looking around and saying, "What happened!"

That little blurb above was me.
One minute I was thinking "I'm just a bit chunky."
The next I am awake and realizing that I am not a bit chunky...but that I am morbidly obese.
not only that..
But I have been acting the part of a person I thought I should be..
sleepwalking through life...
living vicariously through others...
going through the motions in every relationship I was in..
You name it, I wasn't doing it.

What do you do when you look down and realize that your whole life is nowhere near what you would like it to be: and you think you've been doing the right thing because you've constructed this image of how you should act and what you should do?

Maybe your definition of 'right thing' needs to change.
Maybe everything you have told yourself is a lie..because you didn't know what else to believe or do?
Maybe there is a new way of looking at things.
You are going to have to sit down and clearly map out what choices and beliefs have gotten you to where you are...
write out what isn't working..
and then start thinking about what beliefs or actions have created the circumstances.
Some ( I would say most) we control..
some we don't.
I had no real role models as pertains to marriage..
and the few I did have were either very poor, or a little late in the game.
It took years of reading and studying to even come close to seeing what a marriage should look like.
And then tailoring those ideas to my husband and I.
Until then, I only had ideas of what a 'good wife' should do..
I had ideas of what a good friend was...
What a good mother was...
I had a map...and I followed it.
And it lead me to complete and utter misery.

Did I have good things despite that..
oh yes.
But HOW I was living was making me very unhappy.
I thought to be a good mother, wife and friend..I had to make myself useful.
I had no real self esteem..
I wasn't okay to just be me..
I wasn't enough.
I had to earn affection.
So I never asked for anything, and I never complained.
All of those actions were based on the belief that I wasn't enough..
It was a lie.
I wore myself out.
I made myself fat by using food for things I should have been getting from people.
And I made myself a martyr to everything I thought I wanted..
and couldn't understand that none of it was necessary.

So I know how I got there...
but how did I get out?
First I had to realize that 'there' was NOT where I wanted to be.
I had to figure out what I did want..
and most importantly..
I had to understand that I was worth it.
Since I had shut out so many people.
I really had no one to talk to about these things.
So if you are reading this and are thinking...I don't have anyone.
Then you are going to have to be enough right now.
YOU are going to have to be your best friend.
Your toughest critic.
YOur biggest cheerleader.
You have to hire yourself to  be your life manager.
I did this by saying to myself
"What would you say to your daughters or someone you cared about who wanted to improve themselves?"
Would you say "It's too late."
"Don't inconvenience people?"
Or would you encourage them to try!
That they could do it!
If you looked at your life right now...and someone else was running it, would you fire them or give them a raise?
Are you living a life you want to live?
Or one you are merely surviving.
Is it a life, or is it a life sentence?
If you would have told me three years ago that I would be 100 pounds lighter, that my marriage would be happier..
that I would have many friends, a new church home, a new career path...
And all of that would come about because I DECIDED...
I would have thought you were insane.
But the first step is deciding what you DON'T WANT.
The next is deciding what you DO WANT.
So figure out where you are...what happened..and what choices and or actions have lead you there..
maybe you lied to yourself because you didn't want to face an unpleasant truth
Maybe you have been procrastinating because doing the one thing you know you have to do is too painful. Maybe you thought by sacrificing everything you want and love, you could make others happier..I don't know.
But you know it didn't work.
YOU know your actions and thought patterns have gotten you to this place..and you know that you have to change to get out of this place.
Then you have to decide what you need to do to make things right.
Be honest, make yourself a priority, demand respect...you know what needs to be done.
What better time than now?
So the only thing I knew at first was that I wanted to lose weight and make my marriage better..
if you only have one thing.
Write that down.
Your one thing.
It's a new year..
own it.
Chris out.










1

my arms are burning!

lol..
today I paid for yesterday..
nuff said.
I went and got my workout...
I have a blog post in me but I want to be clear when I write it..
it's about  life and rebuilding yourself from the ground up..
it's an interesting thought.
Anyone who's been around a while has had to do it in some way shape or form.
I am glad I made it through my remodel in tact.
Many people don't.
Did you see that thing about the football player and his girlfriend.
The news treats these things as if they are all individual happenings.
When you see enough of them,
you begin to see a pattern.
Main pattern.
Women as possessions who can be disposed of...
it's disgusting and it pisses me off.
It's a major reason I am doing what I am doing.
I want to teach young ladies how to respect themselves and draw boundaries...
so they can learn how to pick a guy who sees them as a separate person.
Not an accessory.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.

Becoming a tough broad...

LOL...
Hey guys.
I had a really good day today.
I went to my self defense class....and I was a little nervous.
Jeannie (my usual instructor) was gone..
leaving me with

This guy...

Sensei Petrone.....














He loves jumping jacks, push ups and no breaks.
So...I went in with the same mentality I took to bootcamp.
I wasn't going to 'drop out' of anything.
And I didn't.
We started with 1 minute of jumping jacks....with our arnis sticks..
Then we went into our striking pattern while doing jumping jacks..
so jumping jack..one...strike to collar bone..for one minute both sides..
You had to stop the jumping jack and do the strike..do a jumping jack...do the other side..
then jumping jacks ...two...backhand strike to collar bone for a minute.
third minute ribs...fourth minute backhand ribs...fifth minute (actually 6th if you count the first minute) stomach..
then for the next 54 minutes we did arnis stick drills with no breaks whatsoever...when we weren't striking, we were holding our sticks our in front of us parallel to our bodies...and I did it.
When I lost feeling in my hands I shook them.
I was there with one other student..
He broke.
I didn't.
I thanked God and my workout plan during that hour.
I understood the drills and I am ready for testing.
Testing is on the 22nd.
My aunt sue called me a tough broad.
I'll take it.
Today was a good day.
I hope it was a good day for you too.
Today I felt like I could hang.
Like I belonged.
Like I took a huge step towards my goals.
It's a good feeling.
Time for bed now.
up and at it again tomorrow.
chris out.

It sleeeeps....

Hey guys,
I got some sleep...of course I was dead tired, so tonight will be another test..
But I got a ton of exercise..capped my calories..
and learned I have to test for my first belt on december 22nd.
I am nervous.
ugh.
I stopped even thinking about testing because I was kind of caught up in learning self defense.
Not quite sure what I have to know but my sensei is supposed to be sending me some notes tonight so I can practice at home.
Hope all is well with you guys.
Chris out.

Day 4- No sleep

again..
on day three when I begin to lose weight...I don't sleep...then freak out.
This has been an ongoing thing for the last year and a half..
hyper vigilance because I feel vulnerable.
My body saying 'find food'.
My brain wondering how to cure cancer?
I have no idea why...It's pissing me off..that being said..I have decided to just stay up all day...no napping and hope hope hope that I sleep tonight.
We shall see.
I got my exercise in today...one hour of cardio toning...10 minutes on an elliptical and 20 minutes on a stair stepper...I  guess we will see.
 It's 12:13 in the afternoon and I am sitting at 630 calories...
no more eating for  a while.
I just need to hold on till around 8 this evening and then I can get some sleep.
ugh!
Chris out.

Day 3- In the bag

Hey guys...day three in the bag.
I will be going to sleep shortly with my calories in check and my exercise in.

Nothing feels better than doing the right thing.
Nothing feels better than moving in a positive direction.
Not having the shame of having caved when you lay down at night.
Not beating yourself up because you chose food over health.

It's a good feeling.
Day 3 in the bag..
next up
Day 4.

Chris out.

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