This is me NOW...

Hello everybody in blogland,

I just got finished watching a Hannah MOntana movie. It was cute. And, it actually ties in with something I was thinking of earlier after reading sean's post (a daily diary of a winning loser) today. He said that sometimes his determination and drive makes him SEEM less loving than he really is.

I know what he means, and maybe some of you do too. You see, I used to think taking an hour at the gym would be 'stripping' my family of valuable time in which I could be doing a number of things. Things like:

Cleaning
grocery shopping
picking up various messes
driving them to some lesson
watching a program with them
making Them a snack.
planning a party
running to the store at the last minute...

Everything was more important than my health.
I put my health at the bottom of the priority list for so long, that when I looked up my 20's were gone and so were half my 30's. I was 5ft. 3 inches tall and 262 lbs. When I lay down at night, I could barely swallow and my heart would stall and race. My back hurt, my hips hurt, and my feet hurt.
When I would get up in the morning, pain would just shoot through my heels and I would hobble around until it was bearable.
As I wrote once before, My turning point started in a build a bear workshop...I was standing there waiting for my youngest to pick out an outfit when I looked up and saw a fat, uncomfortable woman standing across the room. It was a mirror facing me.
Then I realized it was me. I was the fat, uncomfortable woman in the room.
I wasn't 'pleasantly plump', or comfortable looking. I wasn't even 'matronly'.
I was fat and sloppy.
That's when I realized that I was SICK AND TIRED of being the fat one. I was sick and tired of feeling 80, when I was only 35.
I deserved better. That's right....let me say it again.
I...I....I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I
I know some fat people never cared about others and only cared about themselves.
However, I think a lot of fat women tend to prioritize themselves underneath the family pets. Even the cat comes before you....
Well honey, sometimes you have to realize that if you don't put yourself on the list, it ain't never going to happen. So I did.
Each day I say..."Time for my walk" or "I am headed to the gym".
I don't take the kids...now some may say...oh that's terrible...this is a great time for family fitness.
Except that it isn't. It's a stroll that does nothing to raise the heart rate, or drop the pounds. I know, I did it for years. Strollers and walks to the park. IT DOESN'T CUT IT. You have to get in there and work out hard. If you want to take another walk later, you can....but you have got to devote yourself to really working out. I used to think that the women who went to the gym were selfish...
I WAS WRONG.
I was actually being selfish...you know why. I had no energy to do anything once we got there. I couldn't run and play, cause I was TOO FAT. Now, when I do take my kids to the park, I am right there with them. Playing. I want to get out and do more because I am not HALF DEAD.
People might try to make you feel bad or guilty about taking an hour to an hour and a half a day just for you, let me tell you something. People who do that don't care about you. They care about themselves and their perception of right and wrong. You have got to take your own life in your own hands and make it what you want.
When someone says "You aren't acting like yourself".
You say "This is me now."
That's it, no explanations necessary.
God bless and Hugs,
Chris

Old New Pants

Hey,
You know how all us 'big boned' types have pants that we passed on our way to our current size, right? Well, I have a special propensity for buying 'goal pants'.
Everytime I wanted to lose weight in the past, I would buy pants that were too small, cause I would be in them soon enough. Well, the last time I tried to lose weight was the 2005/2006 time frame. I went down to around 219 or so if i remember correctly. At that time, around 229 or so, I bought a pair of workout pants one size too small. I never quite got into them. Oh I could pull them up to my hips, but no further and they were tiiiiiiight. Well, I thought for sh*ts and giggles, I would attempt to don these pair of old navy 1x sweat pants. I thought "what the Hey, lets give her a go to see how far I am from them fitting. I pulled them all the way up and can even bend and breath. They aren't the most attractive pants in the world, I look quite tubby in fact. But they fit, my old new goal pants fit. Hows that. That means in all my dieting quests thus far, I have gotten farther than I have ever gotten since 2001. I am the lowest weight since 2001. Pretty good. Like I wrote in an earlier post. 210 was my highest pregnancy weight with my youngest, 190 my starting weight. 179, My highest weight in germany...156 my lowest. I was 138 when I met my husband. I plan to be 132 someday. I will be.
I went to the gym, I did my precor efx. I had to have the resistance on 3 and the elevation on 3 to get my heart rate up to the 130's. I burned 480 calories. I consumed 1600 calories today.
My next weigh in is October 18th. In some ways this is easier and in some ways this is hard. NO official weight for a month is a bit strange, but it allows me to not get so caught up in the time issue. I don't feel so pressured. I can just do what I am supposed to do.
Hope everyone is on program.
hugs,
Chris

Cold and cancer....

What is the deal with the cold. I think it's 29 degrees outside tonight. I must be getting old because the thought of winter is putting me in a foul mood. Must be Global Warming...ugh.

Back otk today. Ate 1400 calories and walked 3.5 miles. I have so much crap on my plate I don't have time to think. Have to go shopping for a dress for my oldest tomorrow. It's homecoming. She is going with the same group of friends as last year. I also need to register my vehicle and blah blah blah....

I didn't have much to eat in the way of variety cause I need to go grocery shopping. I have to pay bills. I think I will crawl under my bed and ignore the world...anyone with me.

For some reason I can't change my music. It is really starting to feel like ground hog day on this blog. I am thinking about erasing the playlist and just starting over with it.

I am going to the gym tomorrow night. It's dead on the weekends and so it is perfect for me. Hello my name is crabby mcrabsalot and I run a blog.

So much for positivity....

oh I was supposed to blog about how cancer has affected me or someone in my family.

So here goes.

My mom had uterine cancer when she was pregnant with my little brother. She was so skinny that she didn't even know she was pregnant until she felt something move down there. She went to the doctor and found out she was almost 7 months along and she had uterine cancer. The doctor tried to convince her to have an abortion, he who shall not be named tried to talk her into having an abortion....everyone said it would be 'for the best'. She said she had already gone seven months not even knowing, what was two more months.

She carried him full term, when he popped out he had jaundice, a club foot but he was alive.

He turned out to be a ball of sunshine. He is a people person, he was our baby. If my mom had chosen to give into fear, to abort him, we never would have known him. My mom never took us to church, me and my little brother went on our own. But, that was the most faith filled act I have ever witnessed. It spoke more about faith and her deep down faith in God, than anything else I have ever seen. It also taught me what true courage was.

, Duane (our ball of sunshine)

Hope everyone is OTK,

Hugs,

Chris

pretty woman

hey all,
Well,
Did my girl scout thing tonight with the kids. I think I might be settling in, then again...one of my more challenging girls wasn't there tonight...I had three missing. But five were there. We did our pledge (all the girls know it including my two daisy's) I was so impressed cause my daisys are in kindergarten. We did a 'friend book' and talked about our friends, old and new. It was really nice. We also practiced signing our ABC's. Tonight was the first night I really felt like I had my feet under me. If you know what I mean.
I also went out and rented a couple of movies tonight. My husband and I watched Valkyrie, and while it was a good movie...I found it really difficult to muster up sympathy for a Nazi fighting Nazis. *spoiler alert....if you care to watch this movie do not read the next sentence*I did shed a tear when they shot the guy, but honestly, it was more for his kids.

I also rented pretty woman. I don't know how many of you have teenagers, but you reach a point in popular culture when you are talking about a movie and your teenager says "What movie is that?"
Then you are forced ;o) to go out and rent this movie so they know what you are talking about. I rented pretty woman tonight. While there were a few moments in there that made me squirm a bit (not the condom scene, but the piano scene was awkward) . Kate thought this was funny as apparently she watched some vampire movie that was WAY WORSE on the Internet....(Good heads up Kate, Just wait till we install the filter)...
By the end of the movie it was; Does she leave him? Do they end up together?
A good move is a good movie in any decade.
BY the way She hasn't seen Dirty dancing, Grease, and numerous other movies.
I still remember renting All the presidents men (one of my favorite movies and books) and watching it with Kate, and then telling her when it was over that it was a true story. That was priceless.
Dieting front, a wash...it was a high calorie day on purpose, 2200 calories and absolutely no exercise. So maintenance calories, maintenance movement and a nice bowl of popcorn. Tomorrow it is back OTK and back to the gym.
Nice exercise and diet post tomorrow.
Hugs,
Chris

My favorite motivational saying.....

Is "Do or do not, there is no try.'

I like this saying because when I heard it, it resonated with me. Words have power in our lives. They are the expression of ideas...of ideals....of hopes and dreams. Words have meaning. I know in our culture, words have been devalued...deconstructed. The expression of Ideas and Ideals are mocked as hokey, or idealistic pablum. Good, constructive, Words have the power of vision behind them. If you don't believe me, look at Martin Luther King Jr. Did he have the power to pass the civil rights act of 1964???? No. But he was a part of the impetus for that piece of legislation. His words..."I have a dream". It was a vision encapsulated in a phrase. His speech was a turning point in American History.
I believe words can create a mental image which can cause a change in perspective in an individual, to the extent that it can change their lives. It can change your mental framework.

Let's take my favorite motivational saying.
Do or do not: there is no try.
Seems pretty black and white, and it is. There is a reason for this.
Before, when I would attempt to lose weight...that's just what it was...an attempt. I would try.
Somedays when I would try, I would do well...and sometimes when I would try I would 'fail'.
I began to believe that there was some sort of magical thinking or action that would make me thin. I was tryyyyyyyyyyying. Yes, I was trying....I wasn't doing.
Do or Do not, there is no try.
Now I do. If I am on, I am on....it is a choice. If I am not on, I am not on. I do not try to fool myself anymore that I am trying and not succeeding. If I DECIDE to take a day off...I am being real and upfront about it. I know the choice to DO is right there. We all have things that help us along the path to getting better.
I have this phrase in puffy paint on the back of my exercise t-shirts. I have an occasional cheat day, I don't eat just fruits and veggies and lean meats. You see, perfectionism is what killed my wieght loss efforts in the past. I had to do things perfectly. If I wasn't perfect ( i.e. 1200 calories, no carbs, two hours of exercise etc) then the magic was broken.
I like occasional treats, If I eat a piece of chocolate, does that mean I am doomed to failure...heck no. If I over indulge on Thanksgiving am I then unable to DO ever again. NO. Every single day is a choice. There is no GOOD FOOD, or BAD FOOD. There is, as the bible says, things that are edifying and things that aren't. I am learning to make choices in a wide awake fashion. Learning to handle foods that previously led to binge behavior,is for me, a crucial step on the road to health. Learning to eat a cup or two of popcorn instead of 12 or 14 cups...for me, it's necessary. I need to redefine my relationship with my body and food. As I go along I am DOING that....not trying, doing.
What's your favorite motivational saying?
Hugs,
Chris

My Fear of Composite food....

I seem to lack the requisite skill to make my meals not only light and tasty but 'different' as well. I have meals I eat, I am a little afraid to make composite food. Since I am counting my calories down to the calorie, it is important that I not muff up my calories. So casseroles freak me out. I don't mind putting something on top of the meat as long as it is measured...but trying to figure out the calories in a cup of soup (unless it's precanned) is a nightmare. I eat a lot of meat and vegetables. I want to eat something different. I can just see myself at my mother in laws house quizzing her on the individual contents of whatever she has made and then just eating yogurt cause I can't figure it out....then she thinks I am stranger than she already thinks I am. No wonder skinny women are always in corners nibbling crackers....they know whats in a cracker.
Not to get off subject, but I am feeling sympathy where previously none existed. When my husband was on a team, there was this chick named heidi who was always making 'healthy' food.
She once brought muffins (which I thought looked pretty good). I was new to the team and so didn't understand why those muffins were just sitting there. Holly goes, "aren't any of you going to try my muffins"....So, I said "I will". Not missing the sideways glances of the other women who all chorused "oh no, thank you" or "I just ate"...or "I couldn't eat another thing'.
So I take a nice bite, and it was sawdust.
So while I am attempting to choke this down she says "Those are my carrot apple sauce muffins." I don't use any oil or egg...just carrots and applesauce...only 150 calories per muffin".
I smiled thinking....where can I spit this out....I swallowed...took the rest of that muffin and hid it in a fake rubber tree planter by the bathroom. Heidi was skinny and spent alot of time at the gym, this was her effort at providing something healthy. I have a feeling that someday I will be sitting at a party somewhere attempting to pass off marinated asparagus as 'really tasty' while the folks around me avoid me.
More asparagus for me.
lol.
Hope you all are have a great day. I have to get to bed early to help my daughter do a retro 80's hairstyle tommorrow morning. sorry ozone.
Hugs,
Chris

sunday shmunday

well,
went to the gym blah blah blah...(insert last five gym workouts here). No weird gym guy, nothing too interesting. only four people in the cardio section. The cool thing was the windows facing out.. the gym is on an air force base and I got to watch the jets do touch and gos....they have to land (or almost land) and take off without landing..it's part of flight training...so the path was diagonal to the big windows.
I came home and was going to make myself some chicken and veggies...left the room long enough for my dog to eat my chicken. Sometimes I hate my dog. But you can't really expect less from a lab. My fault for leaving the chicken within reach....must have been the low blood sugar (my forgetting, not the dog eating). Got some different chicken and ate that instead.

Just ate 10 strawberries and honey...very tasty.

Read my youngest an epic tale of self centeredness....and then redemption...
It was a tale called "the day nobody shared". There were many travails...sleepy bear refused to share his spot with grumpy bear and fell asleep and missed the parade....share bear received rainbow bars but wanted to keep them all to himself. Tragic. In the end, Share bear shared his rainbow bars and learned that sharing things was the best thing of all.

That was my Sunday (minus laundry, dishes and other boring things ;)...)
Hope yours was good
Hope you shared,
Hugs,
Care a lot Chris