Hey all,,
What in the heck am I doing?!
Good question.
I am not Jewish...but I do love me some bagels.
Especially since my husband started making them one month ago..
very good....you boil them then bake them.
I like them.
too much.
2.5 pounds too much.
I am again 146.
I haven't weighed myself in a month and if you add in my illness and my general lack of exercise..
You get bagelgeddon!
And so, what better way to burn some calories than a dance party...hava nagila!
lol,
So, It's on like donkey kong...no bagels for me for at least 6 weeks.
1400 calories a day and loads of exercise..
my first ever gain!
It's almost like birthing a 2.5 lb fat ball!
I'd name it, but it won't be sticking around long!
lol.
Have a great night guys...
As my good friend Amber said I said "Eat less, Move more"
Chris out..hey, hey hey hey hey hey.....
*dances off*
3.31.2011
What I have learned from my friends...
Hello all,
back from painting ( I don't hang out long with decor either mr. putz...so your wife is in Good company lol)
anywhoozle.
I finished painting my bookshelves and entertainment center...My index finger hurts.
lol.
I also think I may have accidentally inhaled some...
why people do that on purpose I have no idea.
My husband sunk the posts for my garden today.
I will take pictures of all this home renovating glory so you all can get a glimpse into our exciting domestic lives.
I walked today and did my situps at home.
lately the thought of the gym makes my skin crawl.
But I am going tomorrow anyways.
I think I have to figure out what's bugging me about it..
It could be the bad lighting.
or the smell of rubber and sweat.
Or the the guy in the short shorts and headband ala the 1980's with his bald head gleaming as he cycles his little heart out.
Or it could be the teen girls who come in dressed in as little as possible, throwing around things they have no idea about.
I don't know...could be all the above.
Or,
It could be that I just like walking while the sun shines.
So, On to what I have learned from the friends I have known through the years.
I have a tendency to have one or two good friends at a time..
and they have each taught me something.
My friend in grade school and in high school was named layla.
She taught me to never be afraid to say what you really think.
lol.
Then I met my next very good friend...
Milicent..
and she taught me how to cook...southern food.
And how to be a good friend.
How to say whatever it was...but to soften it with 'bless her heart'..
as in..
"She dresses like a two dollar whore, bless her heart"
She also taught me that "Well isn't that precious!" wasn't always as nice as it sounds. lololol.
And mississippi watermelon is the best I have ever had.
Then I had a friend named tuuli.
She was a buddhist and she taught me to look at my faith and question it.
So I did...and came out stronger for it on the other side.
So I wasn't relying on a false belief...but on my own...
Then I had a friend named Lorraine.
She taught me to get more involved in outside activities....
No matter how much I disliked them...they helped me grow as a person.
I will never forget the time she talked me into teaching vacation bible school to 8 year old boys.
I got that slot because I was the last to volunteer and no one else wanted it.
lolol.
Recently I have a good friend named Amber who has taught me how to give when you have some and even when you don't. Giving is just in her nature. She has also taught me that organization is key. Especially when it comes to things like keys.
Many people can have a can do attitude when things are going well...she has one either way.
Then there is my friend Mary ellen, to whom I can converse without my edit button...I can go from normal to insane within one message and she just rolls with the punches. We can talk about philosophy, and politics and religion without getting pissed off because we value the idea of ideas. We share a very similar sense of humor and view of the world...and she has a wonderful wit and can shake me out of my foul moods with her unique take on situations.
Then there are my blog buddies.
Robin-Who is a thinker and a dreamer, even while she is in pain...she is also a giver and goes out of her way to make others smile.
Loretta- Who is honest and forthright. Who has compassion and is always trying to grow and develop a positive mindset.
Deb-Who is great at asking hard questions and spotting the issue.
Both She and loretta are sisters in Christ and although they don't know it, I admire their dedication To God.
Anne H. who reminds me to think outside the box and makes me laugh.
TJ with her no quit attitude.
paula and Christine and jack and many, many others...
They all have one thing in common.
Their willingness to get out there and share in their blogs and to encourage others.
So, thanks to all my friends past and present...
You have made me a better person.
Chris out.
back from painting ( I don't hang out long with decor either mr. putz...so your wife is in Good company lol)
anywhoozle.
I finished painting my bookshelves and entertainment center...My index finger hurts.
lol.
I also think I may have accidentally inhaled some...
why people do that on purpose I have no idea.
My husband sunk the posts for my garden today.
I will take pictures of all this home renovating glory so you all can get a glimpse into our exciting domestic lives.
I walked today and did my situps at home.
lately the thought of the gym makes my skin crawl.
But I am going tomorrow anyways.
I think I have to figure out what's bugging me about it..
It could be the bad lighting.
or the smell of rubber and sweat.
Or the the guy in the short shorts and headband ala the 1980's with his bald head gleaming as he cycles his little heart out.
Or it could be the teen girls who come in dressed in as little as possible, throwing around things they have no idea about.
I don't know...could be all the above.
Or,
It could be that I just like walking while the sun shines.
So, On to what I have learned from the friends I have known through the years.
I have a tendency to have one or two good friends at a time..
and they have each taught me something.
My friend in grade school and in high school was named layla.
She taught me to never be afraid to say what you really think.
lol.
Then I met my next very good friend...
Milicent..
and she taught me how to cook...southern food.
And how to be a good friend.
How to say whatever it was...but to soften it with 'bless her heart'..
as in..
"She dresses like a two dollar whore, bless her heart"
She also taught me that "Well isn't that precious!" wasn't always as nice as it sounds. lololol.
And mississippi watermelon is the best I have ever had.
Then I had a friend named tuuli.
She was a buddhist and she taught me to look at my faith and question it.
So I did...and came out stronger for it on the other side.
So I wasn't relying on a false belief...but on my own...
Then I had a friend named Lorraine.
She taught me to get more involved in outside activities....
No matter how much I disliked them...they helped me grow as a person.
I will never forget the time she talked me into teaching vacation bible school to 8 year old boys.
I got that slot because I was the last to volunteer and no one else wanted it.
lolol.
Recently I have a good friend named Amber who has taught me how to give when you have some and even when you don't. Giving is just in her nature. She has also taught me that organization is key. Especially when it comes to things like keys.
Many people can have a can do attitude when things are going well...she has one either way.
Then there is my friend Mary ellen, to whom I can converse without my edit button...I can go from normal to insane within one message and she just rolls with the punches. We can talk about philosophy, and politics and religion without getting pissed off because we value the idea of ideas. We share a very similar sense of humor and view of the world...and she has a wonderful wit and can shake me out of my foul moods with her unique take on situations.
Then there are my blog buddies.
Robin-Who is a thinker and a dreamer, even while she is in pain...she is also a giver and goes out of her way to make others smile.
Loretta- Who is honest and forthright. Who has compassion and is always trying to grow and develop a positive mindset.
Deb-Who is great at asking hard questions and spotting the issue.
Both She and loretta are sisters in Christ and although they don't know it, I admire their dedication To God.
Anne H. who reminds me to think outside the box and makes me laugh.
TJ with her no quit attitude.
paula and Christine and jack and many, many others...
They all have one thing in common.
Their willingness to get out there and share in their blogs and to encourage others.
So, thanks to all my friends past and present...
You have made me a better person.
Chris out.
3.30.2011
spray paint
I love it....using it to paint my bookshelves almond. Very pretty.
In the meantime, here's a good song.
In the meantime, here's a good song.
3.28.2011
New mind-Old mind
Hey all,
I stumbled across something today that really clarified the difference in my thinking now verses 11 years ago.
Before my sudden enlightenment nearly two years ago, I had struggled for YEARS with trying to lose weight.
I also struggled with self esteem issues.
I found my journal from the year 2000...and thought I would post this entry as it really sums up what I mean about your mental tape....
This entry was after a trip back to see my family in december of 2000...
Well, I made it back to colorado. On New Years Eve we were at my in laws...we banged pans and shot off bottle rockets and HELLO 2000!
Kate had a lot of fun.
So back here again. I get frustrated easily. I make a big deal over everything. And I nitpick everyone. I am a f*cking martinet who eats too much and spends too much. I am tired and stressed. I feel like I clean all the time and the house is still a mess. Life is the same day after day. Nothing changes. I get up, do useless chores, go to bed and I have been doing this for 6 years. I need to figure sh*t out or I'll be stuck in this f*cking hole my entire life!
WHAT DO I WANT.
I AM SO TIRED OF ASKING THIS QUESTION!!!
Now that friends, is a question I don't manage to answer for a few more years.
Notice something.
Not one part of that rant was proactive.
I didn't take any responsibility for my own happiness there.
I did take responsibility for my unhappiness and my bad attitude...only in so far as to call myself names.
At the time I simply couldn't see how to break free.
I think deep down I knew what I had to do...I was just afraid to do it.
I needed to let go of my anger...ask for more help.
I needed to state my needs and have them met instead of bottling up and then resenting people for not reading my mind.
I needed to stop using food to numb the feelings I couldn't handle because I hadn't built coping mechanisms to do that.
My life was a function of my brain.
My brain was disordered..and so was my life.
I needed to realize taking time for myself was necessary.
That people will help if you ask..
that you can't save everyone...and even if you could..who asked you to?
I tried it with my family, with my mom...friends.
You name it.
Never reaching out for help, But trying to be everyone elses rock. It lead me to the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Evenn when I was at the end of my rope....I would just unravel my threefold cord and make my rope longer.
I don't think that way anymore.
I don't call myself names.
I don't down myself.
People will do it for you, why do it to yourself?
The least you can do is be kind to yourself.
Then, start picking out your good points.
Notice them.
then note your weaknesses...and address them.
Don't let them become excuses for beating yourself up or worse..
for staying the same.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.
I stumbled across something today that really clarified the difference in my thinking now verses 11 years ago.
Before my sudden enlightenment nearly two years ago, I had struggled for YEARS with trying to lose weight.
I also struggled with self esteem issues.
I found my journal from the year 2000...and thought I would post this entry as it really sums up what I mean about your mental tape....
This entry was after a trip back to see my family in december of 2000...
Well, I made it back to colorado. On New Years Eve we were at my in laws...we banged pans and shot off bottle rockets and HELLO 2000!
Kate had a lot of fun.
So back here again. I get frustrated easily. I make a big deal over everything. And I nitpick everyone. I am a f*cking martinet who eats too much and spends too much. I am tired and stressed. I feel like I clean all the time and the house is still a mess. Life is the same day after day. Nothing changes. I get up, do useless chores, go to bed and I have been doing this for 6 years. I need to figure sh*t out or I'll be stuck in this f*cking hole my entire life!
WHAT DO I WANT.
I AM SO TIRED OF ASKING THIS QUESTION!!!
Now that friends, is a question I don't manage to answer for a few more years.
Notice something.
Not one part of that rant was proactive.
I didn't take any responsibility for my own happiness there.
I did take responsibility for my unhappiness and my bad attitude...only in so far as to call myself names.
At the time I simply couldn't see how to break free.
I think deep down I knew what I had to do...I was just afraid to do it.
I needed to let go of my anger...ask for more help.
I needed to state my needs and have them met instead of bottling up and then resenting people for not reading my mind.
I needed to stop using food to numb the feelings I couldn't handle because I hadn't built coping mechanisms to do that.
My life was a function of my brain.
My brain was disordered..and so was my life.
I needed to realize taking time for myself was necessary.
That people will help if you ask..
that you can't save everyone...and even if you could..who asked you to?
I tried it with my family, with my mom...friends.
You name it.
Never reaching out for help, But trying to be everyone elses rock. It lead me to the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Evenn when I was at the end of my rope....I would just unravel my threefold cord and make my rope longer.
I don't think that way anymore.
I don't call myself names.
I don't down myself.
People will do it for you, why do it to yourself?
The least you can do is be kind to yourself.
Then, start picking out your good points.
Notice them.
then note your weaknesses...and address them.
Don't let them become excuses for beating yourself up or worse..
for staying the same.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.
3.27.2011
captain obvious-A confederacy of dunces
Helloooo all...
It's captain obvious! Chris is busy twiddling her thumbs at the suggestion of a 'mr. putz' and has put forth the request that I, Captain obvious mull the multitudinous ways our government has putzed up nearly everything lately.
No problem...
Too easy...
here goes...
First Let's address Detroit
Since no one else can be bothered...
except al qaeda...
Who targeted Detroit for one reason and one reason only..
It was the cheapest ticket.
http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2011/03/for-al-qaeda-detroit-was-just-the-cheapest-flight/149214/1
So, not only is Detroit on the verge of utter collapse..
It's also the best destination for terrorists on a budget.
I can't imagine why it's the cheapest flight....
And then there is the inability of the city government to actually impel the police force to live within city limits...EVEN AFTER OFFERING THEM FREE HOMES IN UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOODS!
http://detroit.cbslocal.com/2011/02/07/mayor-pushing-police-to-live-in-detroit/
I wonder if the police know something we don't...
maybe not....
http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/03/24/vanishing-city-the-story-behind-detroit%E2%80%99s-shocking-population-decline/
It seems no one wants to live there.
Captain obvious isn't feeling very humorous tonight...
He thinks it is because Detroit is, simply put, a microcosm of the erosion of the America we used to know and love.
Once the heart of the heartland...producer of the American dream.
Now a wasteland of poverty, unemployment and crumbling infrastructure.
The schools are failing, government spending is out of control and no one wants to take responsibility...cut spending, cut taxes and put in place business friendly regulations.
Impose standards on students, and bring back a good manufacturing base that was the backbone of the middle class.
Instead we blather on about global warming and bullying.
We are all over the world trying to help people when right here in this country things are crumbling DOWN around our ears.
Now before I post this video...just know, When George bush took up dancing with various tribes and was constantly seen rocking himself back and forth and muttering 'stay the course' ...I was as disgusted then as I am with Mr obama playing football in brazil and ignoring reality.
While japan had a nuclear meltdown, Egypt collapsed and we bombed yet another country, Mr. obama made his college tourny picks.
Thank GOD!
Kansas for the win!
Now we know where to place our bets.
Well back to the idea of bombing countries to show our support.
Each bomb costs 500,000 a missile.
From what he can ascertain...Captain obvious has ascertained we have shot 136 missiles at a country we are trying to 'help'.
(the old "we are going to have to destroy this village to save it' cliche...)
so...math...lol. hold on for a second..I went to public school.
68 million dollars.
Here's a thought.
Maybe we could load 68 million dollars into a rocket and aim it at Detroit.
There's an idea.
Or at our schools.
Or at our ports and borders.
Or at our manufacturing base.
Instead of some despot in a third world crap hole who, once removed, will be replaced by another tin pot dictator. (just so long as he is our tin pot dictator)
we have thrown 68 million dollars into an as yet unchanged third world craphole...
Granted, it's a crap hole with smaller rocks cause we bombed the big ones.
At 500,000 dollars a pop.
American foreign policy
Making big rocks, small rocks.
We have A confederacy of dunces to lead us.
all hail our government.
and finally...this moment of zen.
I guess no one gave him a key.
And for you fans of obama who would like to point out that we have been lead by idiots for at least 11 years...this is for you.
He's the decider. I wonder who told him.
You are right...
I know it fills me with confidence.
How's about you.
Captain obvious for president 2012.
The common sense party....????
Vice president...Hank williams Jr.
(couldn't embed...worth viewing...it gave me chills)
obviously done,
Captain out.
It's captain obvious! Chris is busy twiddling her thumbs at the suggestion of a 'mr. putz' and has put forth the request that I, Captain obvious mull the multitudinous ways our government has putzed up nearly everything lately.
No problem...
Too easy...
here goes...
First Let's address Detroit
Since no one else can be bothered...
except al qaeda...
Who targeted Detroit for one reason and one reason only..
It was the cheapest ticket.
http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2011/03/for-al-qaeda-detroit-was-just-the-cheapest-flight/149214/1
So, not only is Detroit on the verge of utter collapse..
It's also the best destination for terrorists on a budget.
I can't imagine why it's the cheapest flight....
And then there is the inability of the city government to actually impel the police force to live within city limits...EVEN AFTER OFFERING THEM FREE HOMES IN UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOODS!
http://detroit.cbslocal.com/2011/02/07/mayor-pushing-police-to-live-in-detroit/
I wonder if the police know something we don't...
maybe not....
http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/03/24/vanishing-city-the-story-behind-detroit%E2%80%99s-shocking-population-decline/
It seems no one wants to live there.
Captain obvious isn't feeling very humorous tonight...
He thinks it is because Detroit is, simply put, a microcosm of the erosion of the America we used to know and love.
Once the heart of the heartland...producer of the American dream.
Now a wasteland of poverty, unemployment and crumbling infrastructure.
The schools are failing, government spending is out of control and no one wants to take responsibility...cut spending, cut taxes and put in place business friendly regulations.
Impose standards on students, and bring back a good manufacturing base that was the backbone of the middle class.
Instead we blather on about global warming and bullying.
We are all over the world trying to help people when right here in this country things are crumbling DOWN around our ears.
Now before I post this video...just know, When George bush took up dancing with various tribes and was constantly seen rocking himself back and forth and muttering 'stay the course' ...I was as disgusted then as I am with Mr obama playing football in brazil and ignoring reality.
While japan had a nuclear meltdown, Egypt collapsed and we bombed yet another country, Mr. obama made his college tourny picks.
Thank GOD!
Kansas for the win!
Now we know where to place our bets.
Well back to the idea of bombing countries to show our support.
Each bomb costs 500,000 a missile.
From what he can ascertain...Captain obvious has ascertained we have shot 136 missiles at a country we are trying to 'help'.
(the old "we are going to have to destroy this village to save it' cliche...)
so...math...lol. hold on for a second..I went to public school.
68 million dollars.
Here's a thought.
Maybe we could load 68 million dollars into a rocket and aim it at Detroit.
There's an idea.
Or at our schools.
Or at our ports and borders.
Or at our manufacturing base.
Instead of some despot in a third world crap hole who, once removed, will be replaced by another tin pot dictator. (just so long as he is our tin pot dictator)
we have thrown 68 million dollars into an as yet unchanged third world craphole...
Granted, it's a crap hole with smaller rocks cause we bombed the big ones.
At 500,000 dollars a pop.
American foreign policy
Making big rocks, small rocks.
We have A confederacy of dunces to lead us.
all hail our government.
and finally...this moment of zen.
I guess no one gave him a key.
And for you fans of obama who would like to point out that we have been lead by idiots for at least 11 years...this is for you.
He's the decider. I wonder who told him.
You are right...
I know it fills me with confidence.
How's about you.
Captain obvious for president 2012.
The common sense party....????
Vice president...Hank williams Jr.
(couldn't embed...worth viewing...it gave me chills)
obviously done,
Captain out.
3.26.2011
before and after...getting unstuck...
dOh-kay,
I am on a kick lately..maybe that's because my weight is stuck at 144. It's stuck because of food consumption and isn't going up because of rampant exercise.
Yay! exercise!
Also I have been thinking.
I did this a lot two years ago.
The last two years I have been on brain hold.
No thinking allowed unless there was a situation that was impeding progress.
Which may be the case right now.
So I have been sorting through my feelings.
I have been very emotional for the last two or three months...
I would attribute this to some blogs I read...but I think the blogs I am reading are more of a reflection of my inner contemplation
uh oh...put on your waders
here we go.
Before and After.
I am talking about life moments.
You know what i mean...
These are the moments that delineate, (or cleave as it were) one part of your life from another.
I am not talking birthdays.
I am talking happenstances that alter your life in such dramatic fashion that ever after you refer to events that occur as either 'before' or 'after'.
before I met my husband
after I had my children
Before September 11th.
After I lost 120 some odd pounds.
( I re wrote this four or five times without putting that last bit in...be patient with me...this is poor man's psychotherapy. The next bit I wrote forcing me to come and re write this..My issue is getting clarified.)
The good and the bad can both lead to a perpetual loop that is impossible to escape from.
Like the oscar curse.
How many actors are felled by the oscar curse?
Every movie they make after...it's either better or worse than the one they won the oscar for...
heaven forbid they win one as a child.
It's over.
or an Olympic gold medal
Tara lapinski and her Gold medal.
What comes next.
This is why I love blogging.
What now.
once I lose all this weight..
then what.
I learned something here.
I think I could help someone.
Except I don't like to be noticed (said the woman who writes a public blog).
I just want to help.
And quite frankly.
I don't want to be in the 'thin club'.
It's littered with some huge @ssholes.
You ever see that undercover 20/20 where they dress a black guy like a white guy and a white guy like a black guy...
eye opening.
Well, let me tell you.
When you are considered in the 'thin club'...let the fat jokes begin.
the nudging...the laughing...all the
"you know what I means".
(btw, screw you George Lopez, you're not exactly svelte)...
Yeah, I know what you mean.
It gets so that you want to tell people at random that you used to be fat so you won't be subjected to idiocy.
I wouldn't trade the years I spent fat for anything now.
It taught me humility, it taught me fat is a byproduct not a primary symptom .
There but for the Grace of God Go I?
I already went.
Am I morally obligated?
Is THIS enough.
I probably ought to talk to God about that.
Am I stuck till I figure out what I am supposed to do.
What am i afraid of?
What IS IT!!!
Maybe I am afraid this is the biggest thing I will do..
no..
that's my kids.
maybe I am afraid of hitting goal and not knowing what is next.
hell, my house is clean.
my weight is gone.
my kids are growing up.
who am I if not fat, frumpy, cluttered, overworked and unorganized.
lmao.
Does that mean I am thin, organized, balanced, and clear.
Someone will want me to chair a committee.
ack!
I have already volunteered for public service.
It's two steps from there to helmet hair, head bands and jumpers with beige flats
I contemplated beige heels today.
seriously.
they match everything, I read once you have to have a 'good nude'...and clear heels don't count because they are hooker shoes .
My mini van has been cleaned.
I donated items to goodwill two days ago, and asked for a reciept for tax purposes instead of taking the soda????
My friend has me take some girl scout items back and when she needed the receipt a week later I had it.
And knew where I put it.
in a plastic baggy.
in a drawer
marked girl scout items.
I used to refer to people like me as 'pod people'.
organization and goals and drive are good.
putting them ahead of people is not good.
I don't want to lose my humanity.
which is ridiculous....you don't lose your humanity when you get your crap straight.
But maybe my empathy for people who aren't there yet?
What about people who never want to get 'THERE'.
What is this mythical 'there'.
societal acceptance as a supreme goal....gag!
I don't want to get to a point where I forget where I have been.
Where that bitter taste of regret slips away....
Where I drop all the pain of living that way.
It informs my soul.
Every experience, every before and after.
It makes you who you are now, and happens so that when the time comes and a person needs help, you have the ability to help.
That is God's purpose for pain and mistakes.
Not just for you...but for everyone you touch.
So... I don't have to let go of that, or be afraid of who I am becoming..
I just don't want to be inauthentic...an image, not a person.
I Just need to let my experiences inform my decisions.
(now I sound like a frickin hippy)
Pay attention to my thought processes and behaviors...
If anyone spotted something in this ramble, leave it in the comments.
It may help.
I will figure this out.
I went to the gym today but ate the calories so it's a wash.
relaxing and reading.
oy.
anywhoozle.
back otk tomorrow.
(miss you carlos, you fat sumb*tch...come back)
Chris out.
I am on a kick lately..maybe that's because my weight is stuck at 144. It's stuck because of food consumption and isn't going up because of rampant exercise.
Yay! exercise!
Also I have been thinking.
I did this a lot two years ago.
The last two years I have been on brain hold.
No thinking allowed unless there was a situation that was impeding progress.
Which may be the case right now.
So I have been sorting through my feelings.
I have been very emotional for the last two or three months...
I would attribute this to some blogs I read...but I think the blogs I am reading are more of a reflection of my inner contemplation
uh oh...put on your waders
here we go.
Before and After.
I am talking about life moments.
You know what i mean...
These are the moments that delineate, (or cleave as it were) one part of your life from another.
I am not talking birthdays.
I am talking happenstances that alter your life in such dramatic fashion that ever after you refer to events that occur as either 'before' or 'after'.
before I met my husband
after I had my children
Before September 11th.
After I lost 120 some odd pounds.
( I re wrote this four or five times without putting that last bit in...be patient with me...this is poor man's psychotherapy. The next bit I wrote forcing me to come and re write this..My issue is getting clarified.)
The good and the bad can both lead to a perpetual loop that is impossible to escape from.
Like the oscar curse.
How many actors are felled by the oscar curse?
Every movie they make after...it's either better or worse than the one they won the oscar for...
heaven forbid they win one as a child.
It's over.
or an Olympic gold medal
Tara lapinski and her Gold medal.
What comes next.
This is why I love blogging.
What now.
once I lose all this weight..
then what.
I learned something here.
I think I could help someone.
Except I don't like to be noticed (said the woman who writes a public blog).
I just want to help.
And quite frankly.
I don't want to be in the 'thin club'.
It's littered with some huge @ssholes.
You ever see that undercover 20/20 where they dress a black guy like a white guy and a white guy like a black guy...
eye opening.
Well, let me tell you.
When you are considered in the 'thin club'...let the fat jokes begin.
the nudging...the laughing...all the
"you know what I means".
(btw, screw you George Lopez, you're not exactly svelte)...
Yeah, I know what you mean.
It gets so that you want to tell people at random that you used to be fat so you won't be subjected to idiocy.
I wouldn't trade the years I spent fat for anything now.
It taught me humility, it taught me fat is a byproduct not a primary symptom .
There but for the Grace of God Go I?
I already went.
Am I morally obligated?
Is THIS enough.
I probably ought to talk to God about that.
Am I stuck till I figure out what I am supposed to do.
What am i afraid of?
What IS IT!!!
Maybe I am afraid this is the biggest thing I will do..
no..
that's my kids.
maybe I am afraid of hitting goal and not knowing what is next.
hell, my house is clean.
my weight is gone.
my kids are growing up.
who am I if not fat, frumpy, cluttered, overworked and unorganized.
lmao.
Does that mean I am thin, organized, balanced, and clear.
Someone will want me to chair a committee.
ack!
I have already volunteered for public service.
It's two steps from there to helmet hair, head bands and jumpers with beige flats
I contemplated beige heels today.
seriously.
they match everything, I read once you have to have a 'good nude'...and clear heels don't count because they are hooker shoes .
My mini van has been cleaned.
I donated items to goodwill two days ago, and asked for a reciept for tax purposes instead of taking the soda????
My friend has me take some girl scout items back and when she needed the receipt a week later I had it.
And knew where I put it.
in a plastic baggy.
in a drawer
marked girl scout items.
I used to refer to people like me as 'pod people'.
organization and goals and drive are good.
putting them ahead of people is not good.
I don't want to lose my humanity.
which is ridiculous....you don't lose your humanity when you get your crap straight.
But maybe my empathy for people who aren't there yet?
What about people who never want to get 'THERE'.
What is this mythical 'there'.
societal acceptance as a supreme goal....gag!
I don't want to get to a point where I forget where I have been.
Where that bitter taste of regret slips away....
Where I drop all the pain of living that way.
It informs my soul.
Every experience, every before and after.
It makes you who you are now, and happens so that when the time comes and a person needs help, you have the ability to help.
That is God's purpose for pain and mistakes.
Not just for you...but for everyone you touch.
So... I don't have to let go of that, or be afraid of who I am becoming..
I just don't want to be inauthentic...an image, not a person.
I Just need to let my experiences inform my decisions.
(now I sound like a frickin hippy)
Pay attention to my thought processes and behaviors...
If anyone spotted something in this ramble, leave it in the comments.
It may help.
I will figure this out.
I went to the gym today but ate the calories so it's a wash.
relaxing and reading.
oy.
anywhoozle.
back otk tomorrow.
(miss you carlos, you fat sumb*tch...come back)
Chris out.
3.25.2011
you don't have to want to
You just have to do it..
Hey all,
Had a good day on organizational and dieting fronts.
I cleaned out my youngster's closet..
Picked up the 4x4's for the garden fence.
Bought a sleeping bag for Sophie's girl scout sleep over tonight.
picked up a wreath form on sale for my living room.
And am currently blogging.
My husband and I went and picked up the 4x4's from 3 till 5 (along with the other errands) and when I got back I realized I hadn't taken my walk and I was already tired.
i didn't want to...
but I didn't give myself the option of no...
So I put my shoes on, asked my oldest to make dinner (which she did, hamburger helper) and took my 3.5 mile walk.
That is my minimum.
3 days at the gym...3 days walking.
minimum.
If I had skipped, I wouldn't be cutting myself a break...I would be shorting myself.
Halfway through the walk I was glad I went.
So, You don't have to want to..
You just have to.
well, I am getting off this thing and am going to finish folding clothes and make my bed.
Have a great night!
Hugs,
Chris
Hey all,
Had a good day on organizational and dieting fronts.
I cleaned out my youngster's closet..
Picked up the 4x4's for the garden fence.
Bought a sleeping bag for Sophie's girl scout sleep over tonight.
picked up a wreath form on sale for my living room.
And am currently blogging.
My husband and I went and picked up the 4x4's from 3 till 5 (along with the other errands) and when I got back I realized I hadn't taken my walk and I was already tired.
i didn't want to...
but I didn't give myself the option of no...
So I put my shoes on, asked my oldest to make dinner (which she did, hamburger helper) and took my 3.5 mile walk.
That is my minimum.
3 days at the gym...3 days walking.
minimum.
If I had skipped, I wouldn't be cutting myself a break...I would be shorting myself.
Halfway through the walk I was glad I went.
So, You don't have to want to..
You just have to.
well, I am getting off this thing and am going to finish folding clothes and make my bed.
Have a great night!
Hugs,
Chris
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