Why i actively failed...

Okay...that is quite a title.
I went to college, but didn't finish...I had many reasons..
But mostly, looking back, I feared success...I didn't know who I would be as a career woman.

I had no model for that...I had a 3.98 gpa...in paralegal training...I aced constitutional law...
But I would talk to my mom on the phone using four letter words...and the word ain't...(which I personally find abhorrent, just ask my children.)

The year we bought our home, I had taken pictures...it was a home with a foundation....I grew up in a trailer..my mom now lives in a manufactured home...on a foundation.  I knew she had worked her whole life to achieve what she achieved..and I felt like I had walked into mine...I brought the pictures with me to Michigan, but left them in my car...two days into my visit, my mom asked me where they were...so I told her why I hadn't brought them in...she was flabbergasted...

When I was losing weight and succeeding,  I didn't want to look like a show off...I wanted my friends who were concerned about their weight to lose weight too...I didn't feel comfortable succeeding where others were not...

I was simultaneously excited by the positive attention, and afraid I couldn't handle it...It also began to highlight the faults in my relationship with my husband..

I have chosen mediocrity and stagnation...some success was good...but not enough to upend the boat, not enough to cause stress or anxiety...and certainly not enough for people to place their faith or trust in me.  I felt I was a sham...that any success I had was luck...deep down, I even had doubts about the weight loss...I always described it as some magical flip of a switch...when what it was, was me deciding I was too good of a person to be judged solely on the basis of weight...

And if my husband had not looked me dead in the eye and told me that he put the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food in my mouth...and had I not had the fleeting thought.."Who in the hell does he think he is talking to?"  I never would have had the impetus to go out and obtain employment...

I HAVE ALLOWED MY OWN DIMINISHMENT FOR THE COMFORT AND BENEFIT OF OTHERS...

NO MORE.

In our culture...women are still expected to be accommodate others, to be nurturers...that is fine, as far as it goes...for children, the down trodden...the mentally incompetent..I spent my childhood feeling like I had to apologize for my existence, and half my adult life trying to prove to one person in particular that I was lovable...there is a meme on facebook..it says, if you are constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value...
Except I never knew my value...I have found my value...it is discoverable..you just have to look at your gifts and what you bring..and instead of diminishing them...or viewing them through the distorted lens of a broken and shrivelled mirror (the damaged people in your life) view them through the lens of love (God for me).

To move forward doesn't mean denying who you were, or belittling where you came from...it means that you took the pain and the reality, processed it and instead of allowing it to sublimate and stymie your future, you use it as the lesson it was intended to be....and it becomes another step in your ascension and growth towards all you were meant to become.

I failed because I believed that was all I was worth or could/should hope for.

Now I know better.
When you know better, you do better.
Chris out.

I like myself

The last five years has been quite a journey of self discovery...
So many things I thought were true, weren't.
What I thought I wanted in my marriage, I don't.
How i want to live out my remaining years is a much more adventurous proposition...

I had to tear down my chicken coop...
And when I got to the floor boards...
I realized they had been laid by another mind...
They had been laid by an abusive childhood...
By expectations of society.
In some cases, even religious interpretation.

I wandered around in the 140's wondering where my motivation to be skinny was...
Then I realized i don't care if I am skinny...I just want to be healthy.
Then there came the argument with my husband..
And the realization that while he may have married to acquire a mother and a maid..I had no interest in applying for that position...
Does the house need to be cleaned?
Yes.
Is there some biological imperative that the person doing the cleaning sport a vagina?

No.

Once I work full time...like my spouse, the house work will be divided up evenly.
I realized tonight that what I have wanted , and still want..is not a fatherly scold who occasionally gropes me..I want a friend to walk through life with..a person who sees me as a partner..not a glorified maid. This is not negotiable.

That being said..I have taken a good hard look at me.
My weight loss stagnation was a direct result of fear...sitting here, I realize the fear is gone.
I believe in me.
I believe I have great qualities to bring to any job and relationship...I have an open mind and know my weaknesses...I know what I want to work on...I have no fear of men...i deal with them daily...flirty men, rude men, homeless men...
Heck..I even had a man slide me a card offering sex.
I was able to calmly slide it under my register and continue to check his groceries, then calmly hand the card to my manager..and we all had a good chuckle.

I am whole...
I still remember the moment i no longer felt adrift outside my body..about a year into my weight loss journey...a feeling that I had had since I was small...it was not "me" at all, but a product of the trauma I experienced and carried and ate.
Even as I healed, there was a piece missing..deep down I wondered.."am I capable of supporting myself?"
Now I know I am.  Am I in the position I want to be money wise?
No.
 But I have no doubt that with persistence, I will achieve my financial goals..I have started my own checking and savings...I am creating my own footprint in this world.
I have goals, dreams and aspirations.
My savings is for my first trip abroad...which will be Greece and Spain and Italy..it will take me a year or two, but I will get there..I am evaluating every activity?including self defense...and measuring the cost vs. the happiness and fulfillment it gives..
I feel whole within myself.
Comfortable in my skin..and steady.
I made time for exercise today..and will do so again tomorrow..
I hope all of you are doing well.

With love,
Chris.

Why your soul is a like a litter box...

Follow me here..you start life with a pan full of clean possibility...then your cat takes a big shit...luckily you have clumping litter (coping mechanisms, rationalizations) it really cuts the smell..
We clean our litter box three times a week...I am sure some clean more, some clean less...but what if you didn't clean it at all? What if, every time your cat took a big shit in your litter box, your either ignored it, or spritzed perfume?  Or what if you ran around accusing everyone else of stinking....or pointed to and said"that is why i can never enjoy my room...it smells in here!"
Seems silly, doesn't it?

Or worse..what if we were given someone else's shit filled litter pan..and we dragged it with us throughout life?  We have no reason to  drag this around, but we believe it represents us...it's a part of us...we base our worth on it...the perception other people have...based on the smell that permeates us.
Why would you drag that around? Habit? Laziness? A belief that you deserve that shit?

Or even better...say we clean our litter pan.  But we put it in a paper Sack, in the closet.
Our pan looks clean..but we are holding on to the crap...as proof? To take it out and show to others?  As evidence?

Who lives with it? Who smells it?

Hanging on to that shit makes as much sense as hanging on to the anger, pain and bitterness of past grievances...when someone shits on you...don't count on your internal rationalization to clump the smell into non existence...don't ignore it, and pretend it doesn't exist.  Bend over, face that shit, recognize it for what it is, and throw that shit away!  And for God's sake...if you are hauling someone else's shit around...dump that shit too.

Chris out.

I no longer call it a diet

I call it life....when I am doing what I should...watching my intake, exercising...i feel better, I look better.  When I dont manage my time and resources well., eating healthy and exercising get pput on the back burner.

For me..one hour a day, six days a week at a gym is mandatory.  It keeps me on track mentally..it helps me make better choices food wise.  Three days a week are pure cardio...I do an hour on the elliptical.  (i am working back up to this) the other three days i do a two mile walk. (30 minutes) and thirty minutes of whole body toning with free weights..or body weight workouts...like planks and pushups...squats and lunges...etc.

Now mind you, up til two weeks ago it was pretty hit or miss at the gym..adjusting to my new work schedule...figuring out when to go shopping, go to the gym, spend time with my family...it is all a struggle.  So, I solved one of those by dragging my kids to the gym with me three times a week.  Sometimes my so goes as well.

I have learned i don't like lunch foods..i hate soup, I don't really like cold sandwiches...so if anyone has some simple meal ideas, I am up for them.  Quick, tasty and healthy dinner ideas would be appreciated as well.

As far as my evolution as a person...my new job has me interacting with people on a daily basis...something the old fat me never would have done.

And i deal with men all the time...some angry, some friendly, some flirty and some pervy. Lol...
I will relay a few of those stories later...I am out of time...
All in all i am finding balance.

Hope everyone met their goals today..
Calories 1767
Elliptical 45 minutes...
15 minute of stretching....

Chris out.

Beautiful...

I think the comments left on my post yesterday were some of the most beautiful comments I have ever received.  I appreciate them all...and I wanted to speak specifically to rachel and jsp...first rachel..that is it exactly..and to know your mom did it..and pulled through, and you were able to see it...that is very encouraging....I cashier..and my left hand gets numb..and i told my husband last night..he massaged my hand..it is encouraging..every little thing helps.  I want more than anything for the legacy of our family to be fifty years of marriage, and the idea that we dont quit on each other. I want my daughters to see that real love is agape love...the love God has for us. That above what I get out of it, I think God put me with him because he knew I wouldnt quit, because I know what it feels like to be thrown away because I wasnt expected..i had no father, so God was my father..so..those are my thoughts...what your mom did was redeem a life..and that is fantastic...and to jsp..anytime you would like to tell a story about your husband, you can swing by here and tell me...even better, maybe you could write a guest post on grief.  I think one of the reasons i talk about these things..is because everyone feels them..but nobody says them..and that leaves people alone.  Alone in a world full of people who are as  hurt and confused and alone as they are...to amber, robin and putz...thank you.  You guys are always there for me....to deb, thank you for posting and pursuing...it is easy for people to fall away from their goals. I always appreciate your honest and objective words. My name was female (wish i knew your real name). You are a dead hoot and a kick. You always make me smile...we all have our problems...i guess i am just the type not to hide mine...i did that for years, and it made me fat and miserable...no more...tomorrow i will start talking about my working out and my job....which is a veritable font of material.

Thanks again guys,
Chris out.

Clarification..

My husband has been diagnosed with ptsd..while six years ago he was a perfectionist, I would not hesitateto say these mood swings are a direct result of that..my issue was in coddling it, not confronting it and making him find alternative outlets for his self hate and anger and sense of helplessness...of course the girls are witness to it..tens of thousands of children across this country are witness to it...too bad our society turns a blind eye..many women dont talk about this..because when we do it is...why dont you leave?  And many men are left...and many commit suicide...he is much better mentally than he was six years ago..and this needfor everyone to be better is better than the year he spent twenty hours a day sleeping...all that needs to happen is for me to be vigilant about boundaries and behavior..if, at any time..i felt threatened or my children felt threatened or even psychologically damaged..I would leave.  That has not happened.  So, lets not use language that implies the situation is that serious..I know women who have been in those situations..to put my situuation at that level is denigrating to those dealing withthat reality. Women of veterens need to be able to talk.  Period.  While some people may not understand why we live in the situation..that is fine..we are a throwaway society..this is not a throw away house..he is part of ou family..and we love him..i know my limits objectively..now that really is the last i will type about that..if things go one way or the other i will update..for the last three months we have not had a blowup and we are working things through....i do thank everyone for their concern, as it is concerning...but it is being handled.
Thanks again,

Chris out.

Finding my voice...

This will be the last installment on the last five months..with all this complaining..you may be thinking..why is she with him..because, his shitty moods happen once or twice a month....with some smaller eruptions here and there...he is like a windshield wiper...happy, angry, happy, angry...there are legitimate reasons for some of it..but my enabling behavior allowed it to grow worse. On some days, he is an insensitive prick..nothing is right....he hates living here, his job, etc. On other days, he is happy and building things, he is funny, very intelligent and driven..yes..he is self absorbed..but as I thought about this, I think it may be one of the reason's I picked him..a huge downfall in all my previous relationships was the fact that, when it comes to
Relationships..I am not clingy...I am a very independent person, i like my head space, I dont get lonely.  The more i tried to create space, the tighter my exes would cling..in this, my husband and I are very alike.  He allows me to be me...when I assert myself...

it is when he tries to improve me that things get ugly...his perfectionism is the source of his misery..and when he feels he failed, he turns that critical eye on me. .and since i started telling him I dont need correcting or perfecting and have a job...correcting me, perfecting me, has not been an issue...the one day he busted into girls night to bitch about everything...i looked him dead in the eye and told him to leave us alone or get back to us later with a better attitude...and he did...he is trying...but it is years of ingrained habit...it will take time.

I picked this man at 19...obviously, his outer , critical voice matched my inner critical voice...none of this was a real issue until last year when i realized I no longer needed correcting...My healing has lead to a lot of unexpected consequences...but for the first time, I am fully inhabiting my body, i am not afraid of men, i feel able to support myself should the need arise, and I have learned that I dont need to be perfected...there isnt anything wrong with me...he has realized his communication patterns and his views on our relationship are no longer working...as do I.  So, we are working to change them.

That being said..I am ready to run at my health goals full bore...
Glad to be back.

Calories 1680
Elliptical 31:00 min.

Chris out.