woops almost forgot my reason of the day

Okay, reason
3.) cankles- (N.) calf-ankles....nuff said.

hungry

I have been very hungry the last three days despite eating at or around 1700 calories. I am not sure if it's metabolism or what. I ate 1807 calories today to see if it cut down on the hunger pains, and it did a little. I am thinking I will hold on for a week or two and see what my weight loss is. I have been consistant with my walking. Last month, starting on May fourth, I walked every day in May. I took June 1rst off, when I weighed in, and then from the 2nd till the 5th (today) I have walked a total of 7.55 miles. I figure I will walk every day until something gets in the way. It is inevitable, and when it happens I will have all these other days of walking built up, so it won't be a big deal. So, things I am dealing with. I am tired, my walks the last three days have been much harder and I am hungry. I don't know if this is some sort of hump I am going to have to get over or what. It may be that my metabolism picked up and I am dropping weight a little faster than I should. I will see at next weigh in (on July 1rst). I do have a splurge day planned for the 12th in which I am sure any severe calorie deficit should be put to rights in a decisive manner };o)! I am aiming for moderate weight loss, not a biggest loser blow out. I want to get used to eating moderately and living healthy. So, I ...get this...DONT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT TOO FAST. lol..... I think I am going to be fairly detailed on my blog about what exercise I am doing and what I am eating as I lose. I got a lot of good ideas from other peoples blogs and I hope I can help anyone who is unsure even what to eat or where to start. I am not the best nutrition wise. I eat "normal' food. I don't eat wheat grass, yogurt, tofu, or anything you turn into a smoothie. I like meat and vegetables, fruit and bread and such. I love eggs and eat them three or four times a week. (I know, I will drop dead of pick an ailment...blah blah blah) I eat full sodium everything, real coffee with real sugar and I eat hamburger two or three times a week. I use 93 percent which is about 200 calories for 4 ounces. I need real food. I need to feel as normal as possible and I need to make this a normal part of my life. That means "splurge days" will have to be replaced with eating a slightly higher calorie day two or three days out of every month. I will start this part of the process around month six or seven. Right now, psychologically, I need a "splurge" day. In time I think I can move to eating foods I love in moderation and begin to incorporate the higher calorie items in with my new mostly healthy choices. we will see. So today I walked 2.25 miles, I ate 1807 calories and drank 120 oz. of water. I had eggs for breakfast, mini cracker sandwiches for lunch, an apple and an an orange, two 60 calorie pudding snacks (ymmy) and turkey sausage with pepper strips and a salad for dinner. Got my two fruits and three veggies. I am thinking calorie defecit of somewhere around 800 calories today. Here is to tomorrow.
chris

accountability and weight loss...

Quite the word, accountability. To be held to account. What better place really, than the world wide web. I have put a lot of leverage on myself this time around. Short of taking out a sign on the freeway (hmmmm .....), this is as public as I can make my journey to lose weight. I have no faith in my willpower, why? Because inevitably, my will turns to eating, and then I WILL EAT.
So, it's friends knowing, it's writing the whys everyday, it's loggin my food, it's eliminating excuses by taking every thought captive, like it says in the bible. Here are some thoughts that make it okay to eat what I want, when I want.
1.) It's just for today, I can start again tommorrow. (tommorrow never comes)
2.) Why does everyone else get to eat whatever they want? (Because that's their decision)
3.) I am not that fat. (yes, you are)
4.) I can walk this off later. (I never walk it off, in fact, I never leave the couch)
5.) I will just have one. (one what? one chip, or one bag?)
6.) No one will know (except the person who matters, me...and God...and the scale cause she don't lie.)

These are just some of the self justification that led me to my current state. Sounds like an addict to me. I'll stop drinking tommorrow, why does everyone else get some, I am not that much of a drunk, I will sleep it off later, I WILL HAVE JUST ONE, NO ONE WILL KNOW....
wow. I took a two mile walk today and so far my calories are at 1576, I am going to have a sugar free cuppa jello pudding (dulce de leche lol for you girl scout leader homies out there). They are very tasty and good for getting rid of a sweet urge.

Okay reason two for losing weight.....so I can be the woman my husband married. A size 8 and active. So he can be proud to have me on his arm. A nd, before I get offended women saying blah blah blah, I would just like to say this; If your husband gained 130 lbs and stopped caring how he dressed and looked, tell me you wouldn't be embarrassed. Nuff said. I have already apologized to him for becoming a slob. I would like to be a slender and beautiful woman. That's number two.

Losing weight

Well,
Over the years I have focused on a lot of things. Many had to do with personal growth, trying to be a more thoughtful, more spiritual person. In some ways I have gotten to where I want to be, but as anyone who has tried to mature quickly knows, there is no way to mature quickly. Unfortunately, no matter how many self help books we read, how we pray pray pray for wisdom, Wisdom and empathy come through experience and experience comes with time spent living. There is no Shortcut. I mean, you can learn the obvious things like don't do drugs, or don't commit adultery. The really difficult things to learn are "Thou shalt not judge". Or, "Even though you are in your mid thirties, you still don't know everything". YOu might think you are wise enough not to judge, but then go around secretly pointing out other's failings in your own mind, all the while diligently ignoring the failings in your own life. I spent a few years judging someone who I know and love for an alcohol addiction. In my mind, It was just selfishness etc. Well, in my own life I had allowed food to become my addiction. I used it in the same way a drunk uses booze or a drug addict uses heroin. It was not to feed my body, it was a comfort for bad feelings, it was fun when I was bored. Now I am obese, I have been obese probably for the last 9 years, before that I was overweight. You might say that alchohol hurts the family. Well, guess what. So does my obesity. I avoid doing things because of my weight. I don't go to swimming pools, I avoid family photos, I am too tired to play or go to the park. I have cheated my kids out of alot of things because of my blindness to my own addiction. A while back I was standing in a public place, and I saw myself in a full length mirror, not just from the waist up. I really saw myself. I looked fat and felt old. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the store. I told my friends this and even my husband. What I didn't say was that, that night as I was lying in bed, I told God that I couldn't do it. I have been on every diet known to man and have quit every single time. The last time I tried to "diet" I ended up on my treadmill crying because I could feel in my spirit that I had no hope. I was giving my body to him. Really giving it over and not reserving anything. I don't have the power to beat this because I have been going off of 'will power' and it had never worked. I asked God to show me my heart, and he did. I was no better than anyone else. Knowing that I use food like a drug has helped me resist overeating. This is a day to day struggle for me. If I don't address this now I will only get fatter. I am not pleasantly plump, or chubby, I am obese, It is serious, I could die. I am 255 lbs. I have lost 10 lbs so far. Since I started on May 4th, I have had a few times when I have had urges for food not related to hunger, but nothing above what I could bear. I hope people reading this will pray for me. I have to do this for many reasons and I think I will name a reason every time I post. Here is the First one.

1.) I want to be there when my daughters get married. I don't want them standing in the mirror and wishing I were there. I want to help them get ready, calm their nerves, give them advice and be a good example.

living a deliberate life

I have decided to integrate my two blogs into just one blog. I read that quote above (which is by thoreau), when I lived in Germany a long time ago. It took me a week or two to come up with a name which was more in line with my view of how to live life. I truly believe in living deliberately. Everything in life is a choice, in that you are either creating, choosing or reacting to another's choice. I want to live in a wide awake fashion. Here is Thoreau's whole quote:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to
front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had
to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not
wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice
resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck all
the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all
that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a
corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why
then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to
the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give
a true account of it in my next excursion."

This is what I try to do as a parent, as a friend, as a wife and every other role God has given me. Life is a gift that has to be lived, not survived. I can't be anyone but who I am. I am a christian, but not a soft spoken one. I am a mother who also views her children as individuals who are on their own paths. Their first priority is to be true to who God is directing them to be, biblically. I will try to come up with ways to contribute to the people who read my blog. It is only recently that I have realized how important it is to put yourself out there and help others. I will work more on my blog later.

chow.

chris

Please pray for Noah

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/ourquiverfull/686715/?#c1292426

If you go here, you will find a family with a heart for God and a little boy who has been through the wars. He is sooo sick right now and his mother is just holding on to God as much as she can. Please won't you pray for him, he needs all the prayers he can get right now.
that's all.
chris

Easter

Last year I got a wee bit concerned about the trend in Easter and it's accompanied marketing. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. This year, I went down to the dollar store and picked up a couple of items and some candy, but our main focus is on the why's of easter. Jesus death and resurrection, what that means to us as believers. Tonight we went to church and took communion. I started to explain to Sophie what the grape juice and crackers meant, but she looked at me and said "It stands for jesus blood and his skin". I don't think I knew what communion meant when I was seven. I am so glad we finally found a church that the family likes and that has good bible preaching. Well, going to sign off now. Just wanted to blog really quick and say Have a great resurrection day!

In Christ,

Chris