When you feel like a failure....

I have been in a weird mood lately...which has probably come across in online comments. lol.
You ever do that?
Struggle with something personally and it skews your perspective.
Well.
I still feel like a complete and utter failure sometimes.
I know..
When do I get to feel like a winner!
Well...
even if you lose tons of weight..sometimes you still have the voice in your head screaming
FAILURE!!!!
It bothers me when I see kids my daughter's age playing the piano (10)
I can't do that for her.
It bothers me that my house is a mess.
I feel like I chase the mess around the house.
The only thing I feel great about right now is homeschool.
Do you ever feel like you try and try and try and you are still not up to snuff?
Not thin enough.
Not active enough in church.
Not well dressed enough, neat enough, etc.
Well.
I just keep thinking that If I could stumble across the exact plan that will make everything fall into place.
My stress will melt away.
lololol.
um.
right.
It all came to a head a week ago when I was nitpicking my husband about his sock drawer.
I wanted it NEAT.
lol.
I asked him to please straighten it so I would know what went where.
He gave me a hard time.
I gave him a hard time.
And when that argument was over...I realized I had attacked him because I felt out of sorts.
And, instead of focusing on ME...it was easier to point out another's flaws and 'fix' them.
I need to focus on me, on my home.
I need to get at least some of my crap together.
my homeschool organizer and my bill book and a basic cleaning plan (which went out the window with canning and homeschool)
I am not a failure.
I just have a lot on my plate.
So I am cutting myself some slack.
I will get back to you on the first.
Have a good two days guys.
Hugs,
Chris

sabbatical

Hey all,
I'll be back on monday.
I have a looooooot of work to do.
But will fill you in Monday.
Hope all is well with you guys.
Hang in there.
Chris out.

A whisper of GoodBye...

My oldest daughter is at a three day retreat....
She is 17...soon to be 18.
The years went  by so fast.
I remember still, holding her when she was first born...and being terrified.
I was only 19.
And all I could think was:
I am responsible for her life...
for good or ill, what I do will mold her future.
And I knew that I had to lay down anything and everything
and pick up the mantle of mom.
I had to be what she needed.
And I watched her grow.
I taught her to read and write and to do her sums.
I taught her to face things head on and love herself.
All so that someday,
She could let go with no fear and meet life head on..
and she is going....
She forgot to call tonight, probably because she was having too good a time to remember.
And while part of me was sad.
I remember being her age.
What it felt like to be encompassed in my own space.
And part of me felt free with her.
And was happy.
It was a preview of next August.
When she leaves to begin her own life.
A whisper of a Good bye.
It made me both glad and sad.
So  this is what it feels like.
To be a mother.
And let go.

create a new truth....

Truth.
I was talking to my oldest about this concept yesterday.
What is it...etc.
We both agree that there IS an objective truth outside of people's perceptions...A truth that doesn't disappear simply because we wish it were different.
But we both agreed that perception is reality.
How you view anything will skew how you deal with the problem or opportunity at hand.

For instance...
For years I knew...KNEW...I was fat...obese.

Whatever you want to call it..
fluffy..
round...
chubby...
pleasantly plump....

But I dismissed it.
Mostly because every time I attempted to deal with it I would run into the process of weight loss with a  combination of dread and magical thinking.

My goals went something like this:
I am going to be hot(t).
I am going to fit into a size ____
and
I will eat 1200 calories and exercise every day till I get there.

It became a kind of long form punishment for my eating "sins".
I deserved to suffer because I had been lazy and a glutton.
So, Now it was time to starve and exercise.

Which for me is not realistic.
But, No matter how many times I tried this approach and failed...I never questioned the approach..
only my lack of 'will power'.
Each new attempt built a wall of inevitability.
That I would always be fat.

Then in 2005 I thought I had found my cure all.

I thought that if only I could eat low carb...
and I lasted six months...on induction.
(which is NOT how you do atkins)
I lost 30 lbs...
and I cracked.
I ate every carb in sight and gained back all I had lost and then gained some on top of that.
You see, I never had an eye on long term.
I never asked myself, "Can I do this for the rest of my life."
So my Truth became "I am incapable of losing weight."
Which looking back, obviously is not true.
I allowed my ignorant approaches to dissuade me from future effort.
Even while I was in the middle of the crazy, and knew it was crazy...
I kept convincing myself that the only way to be thin was to suffer...and to suffer for the rest of your life.
No wonder I gave up.

I like food.
Am I really going to eat 1200 calories for the rest of my life? No.
Am I really never, ever going to eat french bread or cheesecake..(real cheesecake) again?
Nope.

So, This last go around, you know how I started?
I said to me..
Me.
You are fat.
And no matter what you do, this will not be coming off overnight.
And whatever else you are doing, you certainly aren't paying attention to how many calories you are consuming.
So...cap your calories at 1800 and take a walk.
every day.
So I did.
I knew I could do that.
I was full.
I still had foods I liked
And after about a week I gained some confidence.
I increased my walk.
I took no magical pills.
I went up my road and back.
I bought no equipment.
Not even tennis shoes.
or exercise clothes.
I walked around in button down shirts and stretchy pants.
After two weeks I weighed myself and got my 'beginning' weight.
And nearly passed out.
But I knew the truth.
I knew what worked.
I knew I could lose weight.
And I kept going.
By facing each obstacle squarely,
and not trying to find an easy out.
I got thinner.
And thinner.
and thinner.
I am a little over two years in now.
And am still chugging away.
I can keep going..
Because this is possible.
And once you know an objective truth, you can't un know it.
It makes me feel better about the occasional gluttonous meal...
or a gain of a pound or two.
Because, the truth is..that's life.
And,
the truth is, it will never be over.
And the truth is...
I am glad I started.
And the truth is...
I am healthy.
I am happy.
And I have created this.
and the truth is..
so can you.
Chris out.

Pit Viper and a pretty big NSV...

For those of you who have followed me for a while...you will remember the infamous fainting incident which led me to the conclusion that I had an issue with Fear Of Men...
(said incident can be found HERE)
And I attended a self defense class...and no longer had an issue with fainting in public. lol.
Well, I went back today for a refresher class...
I was in a class with 8 women and 5 men. All of these women were fairly slender...(One I sized up as being thinner than me..but taller.)....
THis is where the cool part happens.

The instructor says: "Okay...to prove it doesn't matter how big or small you are...I am going to need the smallest woman in the class"......"Christina"...

So I look around for this Christina..and realize he is pointing at me.

I am the smallest woman *in his mind anyways*  in class.
Me.
Everyone laughs because it took so long for me to go to the center of the mat...thinking I was nervous.
Not knowing...It was because I was looking for the smallest woman in the class.
I have never been the smallest woman in anything.
lol.
So, If I am a pit viper....I am a small one..
small...
but deadly ;O).
To church tomorrow and then the gym.
Have a great night guys.
chris out.

Are you sick of climbing?

That's okay...
stay where you are....

what?

You don't like the view...
well then,
I guess you'd best keep climbing.

I get sick of climbing.
Sometimes it seems I have been climbing my whole life.
Climbing over other people's sh*tty decisions.
Climbing over other people's apathy.
(these are the easiest to climb over...they make good places to plant your feet.)
climbing over people's preconcieved ideas and prejudices....
even my own.
Climbing out of the hole of poverty.
abuse.
ignorance.

Just to get to even ground.
Where the normal people start.
Today I had to tell my daughter we couldn't afford ballet lessons.
It's 80 dollars a month.
plus the outfit and the shoes and the tights and a 25 dollar fee to register.
We have about 180 dollars left for groceries for the month.
We just can't do it.
It took all of our money just to get my oldest daughter's ap exams paid for and her senior trip to camp (that she missed for the last two years).
We can afford this in November or December, but sign up is now.
And I was in a crappy mood.
It's hard to tell your child no, when it is something they really, really want.
But as I was doing the elliptical I remembered..
I remembered how I grew up.
In a trailer.
I got three pairs of pants and three shirts for the year.
I had never had a lesson other than "don't provoke a drunk" or "make yourself scarce when someone is pissed".
Never.
My mom pulled me out of girl scouts because she simply couldn't pick me up anymore.
My daughter is in her 4th year of girl scouts.
She is starting with the church choir this coming sunday.
She has a nice home.
An intact family.
Parents who are stable, sober and who love her.
She isn't just starting from ground level...
she is at least two or three floors up.
So,
While I can't get her ballet at the super duper fancy school.
I can get her a few 6 week lessons down at the community center.
And next year...she won't be starting from nothing.
She will be starting a little bit higher.

So maybe you are standing at the bottom of a huge pile of sh*t.
And there is nothing you would like better than to sit down in it and quit.
It that really where you want to spend your life?!
I didn't think so.
Start climbing.
Chris out.

Thank God the weight of the world.....

Is not on my shoulders...
I'd drop it.
lol.
okay...so I am changing up my lifting..
meaning...
I am lifting more..
not more often..
more machines.
Today I added more back and shoulders and biceps..While keep the back and chest and tricep workout I had been doing.
It takes me nearly 25 minutes to complete...
And you know how much I can lift on the shoulder press.
10lbs.

10

lbs.

I can lift more on flys...55 lbs....
You would think my shoulders would be stronger....but they aren't.
You know why.
I haven't worked them.
my quads can only do 30 lbs.
my legs are weak.
I have completely overhauled my workouts...a little less cardio...45 minutes...
alot more lifting...20 to 25 minutes...alternating upper and lower body.
We'll see how it all goes.
Today I started homeschool with my youngest.
And...
We had a lot of fun!
I put together this thing called the adventurer's notebook...
and it has all seven continents subdivided in there..
Now when we learn something in history...or biology or in reading...we will put it under the continent to which it belongs.
Today we were talking about the fertile crescent in Asia, which resides in the modern day countries of Iraq, syria and parts of Turkey.
I think it will really help her to connect how geography and cultures and climates and resources have affected history.
Too fun.
Hope you all are on plan and having a great day.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Chris out.