I didn't start this for a number

Again...this is going to be a kind of recap of True Grit and how it pertains to my situation...
There will be huge spoilers ahead, and if you intend to watch it...
and don't want to know what happens.
Don't read any further than this........................

Now...I have been irritable lately.
I have been spending nearly two hours a day at the gym (when I go to the gym)
and an hour a day exercising when I don't.
I have to plan my days around these excursion.
I am constantly saying no to things my family wants to do...
At the beginning of this month I had a slight problem with my iron that required me to consume at least maintenance calories.
lackluster weight loss.
with a ton of exercise and not a lot to show for it
or so I thought.

It made me angry and frustrated.
So last night I said F this....I need a break from thinking about numbers and counting and exercise (although I did a three mile walk yesterday...just so you know)
I just wanted to go off and enjoy myself.
And so I flipped a coin
Heads for the king's speech...Tails True grit.
I went in expecting a shoot em up...and it was a little..
But it was much more than that.
It was more about the little girl than any other character.
In the beginning of the film she says basically
Everything in life has to be paid for.
I believe that.
I have spent nearly two years paying the price in self denial and exercise to achieve a healthy body.
It sucked me right in.
She was going after her father's killer..
and she did it all the way.
She didn't let anybody stop her.
You may think this epiphany leads to
"I am going for my goal weight and if I have to shoot tom chaney to get there I will!"
I started this to get healthy and to
say it with me
I think I can shorten live deliberately to just Live
or live fully and make good choices. Yes.
But really LIVE
INHABIT my life.
ENJOY my life.
The box I broke free from almost 20 months ago I was reconstructing.
I was just doing it at the other end of the spectrum.
making my success contingent on the number 132.
Making my failure contingent on the number 262.
It isn't the number, it's how I am living.
If you break free from your fat prison and then construct a skinny prison..
One where every bite of food brings guilt.
Every missed workout is cause for self flagellation
One where a size 10 is failure but a size 6 is success.
You see Mary wanted her father's killer brought to justice.
The idea that the killer would end up in Texas for another murder and be hanged there...
Not good enough.
The idea that he may be shot while they chased him?
Not good enough.
She wanted to bring him back to her hometown and see him hanged.
WEll, as rooster said "You can't have every little thing just the way you want it".

Mary learned something over the course of that movie.
It doesn't matter how you kill him, just kill him.
At the end she takes a rifle and shoots his @ss.
She takes the justice she can get.

In the beginning of the movie, they liken this hunt to a coon hunt.

I didn't start on this coon hunt for a magic number.
I wanted to take back control of my life.
And I have.
I want to lose a bit more fat..
But from here on out I am not making my life contingent on a number.
I am making it contingent on my satisfaction.
I will know when I am satisfied.

That number will be normal on the bmi scale.
Then I will start eating as I intend to eat the rest of my life..
and the weight will stay or fall in accordance.
But regardless.
I've gotten my life back.
I have already won.
I won the moment I set out with the notion that nothing would stop me.
I will not reconstruct a skinny cage.
I will live fully and enjoy life.
That's what I was aiming for.
That is what I will do.
Chris out.
oh did a three mile walk run in 38 minutes.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin Fit said...

Sorry, but I had to bail after first paragraph. I hadn't gotten out to see TG yet...

Jacqui said...

absolutely amazing post. So inspiring. Now I have to see True Grit.

Jenn said...

I've been struggling with this very issue lately. I'm about 20 pounds away from my "goal weight" and I still have noticeable fat to lose. However, I'm healthier than I'd ever been in my entire life (including my skinny high school years.) Why am I so fixated on an arbitrary number? I refuse to let that number rule me any longer. I made the conscious decision to eat what I want and work toward long term fitness goals (currently, it is a 1/2 marathon.) I will get there when I get there weightwise...IF I want to. I'd much rather be 20 lbs heavier and be at my current health than at my goal weight and not as active.

Anonymous said...

The enemy of our souls doesn't really care whatthe trap is, he only wants us caught in it.

Congratulations on finding the way out. :)


bbubblyb said...

What a good post Chris, I totally agree we don't want to be in a skinny cage either. I think it is about living our lives to the fullest and about our happiness not about a number.

LN said...

Really good thinking! Bravo! bravo!!

Robin said...

Thoreau went out into the woods to live deliberately. He wanted to find out what was important and what wasn't. He needed to do some mental sifting in order to live that full life. I suppose that maybe he felt "itchy" and that was what led him to the woods in the first place. Anyway, living deliberately is living with intent. Or awareness. When you do that, you cannot help but live a full life. At least you have a better shot at it... lol. You became aware that something was wrong and it took you a few days, but eventually you nailed it down. This isn't about a number, but it is about a life. Your life. As we have already deduced: this is a brain game. You won this game a long time ago. Of course, the game isn't over until you die. And I do believe that you covered that we all are going to die eventually. It was a couple of posts back. Until then, we play the game to the best of our ability. So, game on. I am betting on you, btw.

E. Jane said...

Lots of insight in this post, Chris. A prison is a prison no matter how pretty it is. You are a winner already--I knew that when I first started reading your blog!

Amber said...

Great post Chris.
You have already won! You won quite awhile ago when you made major life changes that then and now have improved yout health and life. Lose another few pounds or not you are a very healthy, happier and beautiful woman who has managed to do something many can not!

Take time and play with your kids, go on a date with you're hubby. Make time to exercise and eat right but make sure your making time for family. You now can do all those things with your family that you couldn't before so make sure you do them.

This is the time with your family you can't get back.

You're awesome Chris!

Retta said...

Hmmm... hadn't thought of it that way. From a fat prison to a skinny prison. But so true.

Thanks for sharing this... funny... I JUST finished watching the original True Grit on tv, the one with John Wayne, about 30 miutes ago. So what you said really hit home for me.

Hanlie said...

What an epiphany! You are so right. Great post, Chris! Thanks.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Is there really anything left to say? You have victory. You are the person that you are meant to be. You so inspire others. Your message is sent on to points unknown and helps countless people. I myself leave comments such as the one I left here: http://www.bringingprettyback.com/2011/01/i-am-not-stopping-this-time.html?
all over the place, all the time.
Enjoy this. It is yours. And you have done even more than you first set out to do, growing as you've moved along. You have given yourself and your family such a gift. So happy for you. Truly amazing!

CarlyWeb said...

Love this. You're right...it's like Shawshank Redemption right? Get busy living or get busy dying. Here's to Living Life Fully! Love your blog

Carly @ thenextrightchoice blog

Beth said...

An epiphany indeed. And a breakthrough. And words that I needed to hear.

I'm pretty attached to my 140 goal but as I am now 25 pounds over that, I see that I may not want to be that slim again (I'm 5' 7") but I feel "must" or "should" driving me towards that number and I think I'm gonna have to re-think it. I'm older now and won't look like I did 10 years ago at 140.

Nonetheless, like you, I didn't work to get out of one prision just to find myself in another one. Thanks.

pinkvision said...

That's the best gift you can and have given yourself - to LIVE. So pleased for you, Chris, on your success.

I find so much you write enlightening. Thank you for this new insight. I'll be making sure when I break out of this 'fat' prison, that I create a life full of freedoms to live happily.

Anonymous said...

Here, here Christine!!!

I always love to read your inspiring posts and I love your epiphanies. We all get things at different times and it looks like you got this covered.

Annalisa@Gracie'sGarden said...

Can't wait to see the movie, I read about it yesterday from someone else who loved it too. AWESOME post Chris. Congratulations, truly and awesomely, you're my hero (okay, one of them, don't go getting a big head ;) jk )

Annalisa@Gracie'sGarden said...

OH YEAH! Wanted to say thanks for linking to my Enjoying... blog. Just noticed that many people are coming to that one through your blog. Thanks!

Weighing Well said...

Omg - you are preaching to the choir here. I love this post and everything you said is exactly what I am trying to incorporate into my life, one step at a time! (one literal step at a time) I am going back through some of your older posts, but just wanted to say, way to go!

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

AMEN to not going from a fat prison to a skinny prison. FANTASTIC post, Chris.

Big White Granny Panties said...

I really really liked that post. YES. and like Seattle said: AMEN.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this today.