10.18.2014

What scares the hell out of insecure people?

confidence

I have been, in my life, screamed at out car windows...
many times..what has been screamed has been derogatory.
Tonight I went to walmart..
I am not dressed in any attention getting way..
a henley and capri work out pants and tennis shoes.

I am walking from my car to the store.
A guy drives by and yells...I want to fuck you but you're too ugly.
Now let me ask you a question..
What was it about me that drew his attention...
was it my exceptional ugliness?
no.
Was it that I was exceptionally fuckable?
no.
was I exceptionally attractive?
no.
I walk with confidence.
 
For a certain subset of men...that is intimidating.
they don't like confident women.
They want to 'put them in their place'.
What do I do with men like that...or indeed, people like that...
I ignore them.
Because that's the amount of attention they deserve.
They have a deep seated insecurity that comes forth when a strong woman is around..
These are the men that think women bosses are bitches.
I had a cashier think he was going to take my job.
He is no longer employed because he couldn't even bother to show up for work.
These are the men that think women 'have their place'.
That think women should stay in the kitchen..
because deep down, they know they are weak willed and weak minded.
If I could teach women anything...it's to be exceptional...
and that will cause the dross of their lives to float to the top so you can skim it off....
There are men that speak pretty words...but when push comes to shove...
when their women excel...the ugliness comes out.
No one kicks a dead horse...there are plenty of unattractive people..
But confident and capable and motivated people...
there are not a whole lot of those...
and women in particular...are not encouraged to be strong and in leadership positions.
You have to be prepared to listen to the criticism and improve..
and to know when you are listening to the whining of an insecure loser.
When someone is kicking you..
it's because you scare them.
Don't stop being exceptional...
Keep improving and kick them to the curb.
Their ugliness is a reflection of their self image and worth.
Not yours.
Chris out.

10.16.2014

I just flew in from philly...

and boy are my arms tired..

not really..
but my knee is still stiff from my workout the day before yesterday.
To be honest..I don't know whether to push through and so more weights tomorrow...or walk and stretch it...I just don't know.
Did thirty minutes on the elliptical today and walked for about 8 hours around the store.
I don't want to re inflame it.
I want to strengthen it.
I know people feel stiff and in pain when in recovery...
just so long as it isn't painful right?
ugh.

So wanted to post..
kept my calories under 1800....no garbage...
best thing I have found out..
I can order panda express online so I can order mixed veggies instead of rice..
sometimes I am late getting out the door at home...
and mixed veggies as your side is something they make to order..
and I don't have the 7 minutes.
So now I order at 10 to 1...pick it up at 1:15 and I have a healthy protien and veggie packed lunch and dinner.

I had to get rid of two panhandlers and one political activist today.
I would rather have panhandlers...

and now for a moment of zen.

Something to make you laugh.

10.15.2014

exercise and anger

and...once I limit my calorie intake...my feelings bounce around.
ugh.
These days I no longer get sad...
I get angry.
I know more God time would go a long way to curing some of that..
that and being quiet...
and judging less.
I went to the gym this morning and walked one mile, then did whole body weights.
I did three rotations of arm exercises..
and three rotations of leg exercises...
Arms;   Dumb bell bicep curls 10 reps @ 10 lb weight
            Dumb bell flys 10 reps @ 10 lbs
            Dumb bell Bench press  12 reps @ 20 lbs
Legs  Squats 15 reps x 3 rotations
           calf raises 20 reps x 3 rotations
           side leg raises 12 reps x 3 rotations
results..
my left knee is still weak where I blew it out last year in defense class.
After today's workout..I could feel my knee straining...so I put on my knee brace...
it's cloth...it really didn't feel like it was that supportive.
I just got a sweaty knee.
Then I went to work and walked and walked....
I ate 1780 calories today....
I have been working on my mindset...
Leaving out the sugar..
making conscious choices to eat protein and veggies and leave out empty starches.
I had a spinach and mushroom omelette.
for lunch I ate panda express two entree of mixed veggies and kung pao chicken.
For dinner I had two cups of roast beef and potatoes and carrots.

I drank coffee with splenda and water today.
I was very irritable by the end of my shift...
a lady went through my cashiers  line...ran her ebt...for one dollar...then went to pay for the rest on a credit card...which was declined...twice.
The only way to get that off my cashiers till was to run a post void.
you can't item void an ebt purchase.
she is trying to convince us to give her the items.
I am instantly pissed..
this is her little con...wait till closing and make a scene hoping to get away with something...without paying.  Because we want to go home
She says "Wait....will I get my dollar back."
I say "ma'am I have no idea."
she has a ten dollar bill in her hand..
she could have paid for the rest of those items..
but she was sitting there playing the victim....(her ebt had purchased a two liter of soda)
the rest of it...body glitter and makeup.
I said "ma'am..I am not going to allow this twelve dollars to sit on my cashiers register."
And then the lady behind her decided to pay for her crap.
two years ago...I would have assumed this woman didn't know her credit card would be declined...
now I know better.
that being said..
I have become a bit cynical...but I can't allow that kind of crap to make me angry.
There will always be people willing to take advantage of nice people.
I got to let it roll...
but on my way home..
dave chappelle popped into my head...
we've got crack heads, panhandlers and shop lifters and all the rest....lol...
I have gotten to the point that I am in the limo....baby...BABY!  lololololol...
my sanity saver is going to be my sense of humor.


10.13.2014

manager mania...blisters and pickles and toilet paper.

Hello.... so...I got to the gym this morning.
I did thirty minutes on the elliptical and 60 sit-ups..plus stretching.

Getting back into a workout routine has been a slow and steady process.
 Last week I started at 1800 calories and have worked my way down to 1700 for this week.
I have blisters on the inside of each of my big toes... which hurts.

 I have no idea why I am getting blisters inside my big toes..
I never have before..and I have been doing this job since June.
My job consists primarily of me walking around the store and recovering (putting things back where they go)..running to the front to answer codes and running the safe.

I generally, according to the pedometer, walk ten miles.
 Which I didn't believe..
So I walked a precalculated three mile walk, and discovered the ratio was actually about 2.5 for every three.
So, I round to about 8 miles a night.
OF course, this isn't cardio walking...but I think it counts as activity..
 I am trying to get back up to one hour workouts...and then I go to work and walk around 8 miles..
IF I keep my calories around 1600..I should drop weight like a rock.
 But the hard part of beginning to workout while working this job is that I will be tired the first few weeks.
I can't let down on the job at all.
 By 9 o clock at night my feet were on fire..and I was so tired... But I just kept thinking of that scene in Facing the giants, where the kid is doing the death crawl..and he's crawling and crawling...and screaming..."but it burns!" And his coach said "Then let it burn."

 When I get hungry...or tired...or feeling like I want to sit down...I just think "let it burn' .
I know I can do it.

 Now..on to my job.
I get all kinds of people... my favorite kind are the ones who break shit.. and don't bother to tell you. So it's like a little surprise.
 Today's surprise: Going up the chip aisle I smell something.. I round the corner and find two bottles of pickles...bread and butter... shattered on the floor.
So while I am cleaning up pickles and glass..and having already set out wet floor signs..
DO PEOPLE STOP WALKING THROUGH THE AREA?
no. no they don't...
the shattered glass... the rancid smell of pickles.. the angry, muttering woman wearing lime green..
none of this dissuades the average dollar tree shopper.
I finally say "please use another aisle.'
 the 'asshole' is unspoken..

 issue two: We have been without a toilet paper dispenser for over a month..
As we had given up on recieving an actual response from corporate, our freight manager's husband had to install one...
every other month..our toilet dispenser gets ripped out of the wall.
 I have not figured out why this is.

 It is right next to the toilet..

 It's not like someone is doing a desperation reach across and frantically tears at the paper and accidentally dislodges the dispenser from the wall...
Do we have roaming yetis who don't know their own strength?
ARe there subversive taekwondo classes wherein they rip toilet tissue dispensers from the walls, with their bare hands, as a form of initiation.

WHO KNOWS

 If it's you...
please stop pulling the toilet paper dispenser out of the wall.
Thank you.
Your dollar tree manager.

 Well...I need to get a hot shower and get to bed so I can get up early and go to the gym...
hope you all have a great night.
Talk to you later.
Chris out.

10.12.2014

strategies for success

I am beginning to have a few..
number 1, I work full time.
If anyone thinks I am doing all the house work...they are insane.
I am not.
We split it as a family.
I stopped being a martyr a few years ago..
and I stopped being a doormat one year ago.
So today, on my one day off..I had two things to accomplish before I could have 'fun'.
I had to clean the house..
and grocery shop.
So guess what.
I made a two hour cleaning window..
assigned areas to my husband and daughter.
and myself..
and we cleaned for two hours.
And guess what....75 percent of the house is clean.
That along with 30 minute cleaning sessions throughout the week..
done by all of us...with areas assigned we didn't get to today.
that equals a clean house.
number 2..
grocery shopping.
I made my list..
then I made a list for tim
and one for sophie.
and we all shopped for the week together.
and we got it done in twenty minutes...
from the time we left, shopped, came back and unpacked..
1 hour.
three hours..
Today was my rest day from exercise.
I exercise on work days.
It sounds counter intuitive..
but it sets my mind to work.
And when I am resting..I am resting.
unless we do something as a family to be active, like hiking.
Which we do often.
So tomorrow I think I'll take my daughters ipad and take some pics of the gym and where I work out...
and invite people in..
because the more support you have, the more accountability..
the more on track you stay...
I saw a pretty awesome video today on mindset.
That I agree with..
not that some people don't have a harder time.
But that it's all in the mind.
absolutely.

10.11.2014

Asses kicked...all of them

Hey all,
As many regular blog readers know...one year ago I set out to make myself financially sound...My husband threatened a divorce unless I complied with arbitrary demands...I had no work experience which I could place on a resume...
I felt scared, trapped and helpless..
I felt I had put both my daughter and i in a terrible position...
I floundered for a month trying to find my way.
And like always..
I decided action now was better than delayed bullshit..
so I took the first job offered and did my best.

Well, today I was promoted to full time manager.
I get 10.40 an hour...plus bonuses for making sales.
That puts me in at about 1600-1800 a month...add in half my husbands retirement pay which I am entitled to by law...and I could make it and make it well on my own.

It took one year.
Now I have leverage and no longer have to live in fear of becoming impoverished should the worst happen.
This last year has been the most eye opening, difficult, rewarding year of my life.
The last five years have been the most life altering.
I am emotionally healed...
financially independent..
spiritually whole..
and now to sculpt the life I want through Bruce lee's philosophy of 'physicalizing my philosphy'.

My philosophy?
Do or Do not, there is no try.
Whenever I wanted to  sit down and quit...and trust me...in the last year ..particularly in the beginning...the urge to quit that job, to go back to the familiar, to capitulate..

it was daily.
Every day before work, I would cry.
I would cry because my marriage wasn't what I thought it was...no matter what rationalizations I wanted to pull out of my ass...
it just wasn't
I wished I didn't know...then I was glad I did.
back and forth
back and forth.

My foundation was shaky...
I had no work experience..at any moment he could up and walk out.
I walked on egg shells...

I missed my girls..
I wasn't sure any of that was going to work...
hell..it was just a cashiering job..
just something...ANYTHING...but dog sitter to put on a resume.
I was going to do it for six months.
Then I was going to go to a bank and be a teller.
And a funny thing happened...
I began to like the people I worked with.
Cashiering got easy...then boring because it was too easy.
Then people started asking me if I had thought about being a manager...
and suddenly I thought...
that would be good...what would look better than cashier.
manager...
so I got assistant manager.
a little more time away from home.
A little more difficulty...more boundary setting...
STill balancing the relationship with my husband carefully...
taking care of home...taking care of work...
no support.
more of me gaining needed leverage in every area of my life...
and then, the other night..
I heard some magic words...
my daughter was begging for something.
And my husband said...
Your mom isn't going to give in, she's a different person now.

And he was right.
Somewhere on this journey, I came to the conclusion that while I want people in my life...
I can now let go and be okay..
really okay...emotionally, financially, and spiritually..
and that has freed me up to state my wants and needs..
to ask for things...
to draw clear lines in the sand and not be afraid of the repercussions.
And today when my boss called to tell my I begin full time next week...I realized that I had ascended my own particular mountain....one I feared I would not clear.
I can make it on my own...and support my daughter if need be.
It is one hell of a good feeling.
What you think, you become.
What you think you are capable of, becomes your reality..
YOU ARE WHO YOU DECIDE TO BE.

Decide, and do.

Be willing to pay the price, and what you want will be yours.
That is my take away from the last five years..
I began as an emotional cripple, a physical mess and a spiritually depleted person..afraid of her own shadow.
To what I am now.
In five years.
Where will you be in five years..
I know where I will be in one.
AT goal weight.
calories: in at 1700
miles walked: 6
asses kicked: all of them
Chris out

9.24.2014

Here on the 'bright' side....

HEllo,
Thanks to you guys who responded to my last post...it is as I thought it was....having traveled this road for five years now...and having healed from my past...
I am on the other side of the looking glass, but able to clearly remember what it was like to be where I used to be...
I have a unique perspective.

It isn't just we, the damaged, f-d up people who don't know how to proceed.
'normal' people....the people who were raised in decent homes...had all expectations met..
have a different set of issues aka hoops to jump.

Mainly normals care an awful lot about what people think.
lol!
It really stymies them.
I understand relationships are important..but let me tell you, my fellow damaged (but still here) peeps...
we learned early to tell people to shove that shit where the sun don't shine.
Or we wouldn't be here at all.
I never understood why people admired my ability to ignore the opinions of others...I thought it was just your average, every day coping mechanism.
It isn't.
Normals are encouraged in every step of their existence, to fit in...to be accepted.
It's a lovely, warm feeling to be admired and accepted.
IT started with me after the second year on my blog..
I felt that what I had to say was important.
and that helped in the healing process...but it also caused me to tamp down on expressing doubts, and fears to some extent.
To not confess failure...or heart ache.
I got fearful....
When I realized I had begun caring 'too much'...I knew I needed to shut up and get to know me again.
you can talk so much you lose your authentic voice.
Healing does a number on you.
Who are you now if you don't hold the same beliefs?
Who are you now that you view the world and everything in it in fundamentally different ways?
Who is this person with all this hope?
I am a different person now, than when I started.
It's like looking through a fun house mirror.
I have spent the last year...yes, it's been a year, since I got a job and began re leveraging my marital relationship.
I have spent the last year reclaiming my personal power within my relationship.
That was my last huge hurdle.
The final puzzle piece that I had to be okay with letting go...
And I really got there.And the power shift was immense..and unsettling.
But real and healing.
My relationship with my husband is open and honest in a way it has never been...
and we are becoming friends.
I have learned to draw boundaries and say no.
And I have learned to respect the boundaries of others...what my flaws and weaknesses are...
and I have learned to love myself and others where they are at.
My internal dialogue...when it goes negative, I stop it in it's tracks.
....
I'm ready.
It's time.
I will post my workout and calorie cap tomorrow...
but mostly I will be posting my thoughts and feelings...they are the key.
Chris out.