7.08.2014

cashier chronicles...aka the devolution of humanity

manager mania: 
The further adventures of your dollar tree manager...
Time: The last two days
Place: The Dollar tree

the story of mushmouth, titty sling and a popped tart. Okay...the last two days have been cah-razy. First I have decided that I do not have an option...I need to clean for about 20 minutes after the store closes, or the store will not be clean...number 2, I have decided that people are nuts. Number three, my faith in humanity is daily simultaneously sunk to new lows and lifted to new heights...because there are three kinds of people in life...the evolving, the devolving and the insane.

First up...mushmouth. 

Guy comes up to me....and mutters yahmddahab griluntack. (?)
"Excuse me sir?"
'Yah habbin tahab grillin tack.' (...was that grilling in there?)
"I'm sorry sir, could you repeat that...it's loud in here.."
(honest thought from your dollar tree manager...speak UP and ARTICULATE @SSHOLE)
"Ya habbin da grillun taco." (having...grilling...taco)
Do we have GRILLING TACOS sir?
yeb. (assumes that means yes)
No sir...we have no grilling tacos
(wtf is a grilling taco.!)

tanku (thank you)
Your welcome sir.

the evolver ( people who are moving forward in our dear evolutionary process...aka..people I can talk to and admire..)
a lady with multiple sclerosis who refuses to use a wheel chair, because she is going to use her body while she can...and tells her sons daily that they can do anything...I met her while she was searching for coconut.
She says..."I take away people's excuses'...


little does she know how many excuses people have.

on to titty sling.
lady comes in last night at the last minute...it's nine o clock..
but Paris Hilton thinks this is her personal shopping hour at the dollar tree...she is shuffling around the store, picking up her items...yelling at her children...she shuffles on up...takes shit out of the cart at 9:15...15 minutes after we are closed...tells us she doesn't want several items (which we will now have to put back) she is wearing a tank top and no bra...so we are all treated to her boobs (which hang down to her navel...that are covered only the last twenty percent...thank God for small mercies) near the bottom...so we see the sack like appendages..suspended from her chest in what I dubbed, in that moment, a titty sling. 

She was rude, uncouth and finally she left...

and finally
devolving.
last, but certainly not least....Mrs. pop tart.
tonight..near the end of the shift..mrs. pop tart wanted to trade in a hard line item for a food item.
We can't do that..because food doesn't have tax...so we would owe her money.
Dollar tree policy specifically states no monetary refunds.
J tells her no..she actually has me called to the front..wherein j asks me the policy..I repeat the policy..
She says, 'You don't have to have an attitude.'
I said, "I'm not having an attitude ma'am, I am just stating the policy'...
then she proceeds to tell me that he (J) can take the 'extra' money from his till and just keep it..and I tell her that THAT would get me written up, and him fired.
she then demands the number for corporate...
yes,
that's right folks...
she wants the number for corporate....for her pop tarts return.
I said 'yes ma'am'.
and handed her the number.
I think the only people on earth who could think less of most humans than dollar tree employees...
must be the corporate complaint line.
That is all for tonight folks.

7.05.2014

How to get a bikini body...

I am linking here.....this is how you get a bikini body.
As a person striving to get healthy.....I am not getting healthy to prove I am worth while...I am getting healthy for me..

Whatever you do....do it for you.
period.

7.03.2014

Who has the power?

You have the power.

Have you ever been driving down the road and looked at the center line..and though for a moment about the fact that the only thing keeping the other car on their side of the road (apart from a healthy sense of self preservation) are societal norms and a bit of paint?

The only thing keeping you from their side is the same?

One flick of your hand..and the lives of at least two people are changed forever.

You could change your whole life in one hour.

YOu could go home...pack up and leave.
you could ask for a divorce..call everyone you know and tell them you are done.
Quit your job.
Jump off a bridge.
stand naked in the town square.

The only thing that stops us from doing things...is our own mind.
Our conscience.
Our norms.
Today I did something I don't normally do.
I unfriended someone on facebook..
I did it because I realized that I no longer want people in my life,
who are nothing but a simmering ball of hate..
to fill my life with their invective.
who pollute my soul with their ignorance..
I don't care.
In one moment, I said no more.

Now with some things...it is harder.
and you may have to pay a bigger price.
to have the life you truly want...
It's worth it.
You have the power.
You just have to DECIDE.

once you decide, you move forward...
and it will probably be painful..
but paying short term
beats the hell out of long term regret.
There can be nothing sadder than looking back on a life you wasted.
 wasted trying to be a person you didn't like very much..
doing things you can't stand
for people who don't really give a shit...
in a life they don't have to live.

People always have opinions about the lives of others.
Yet, they don't have to live it.
You do.
When you come to die...no one will be looking back for you...rationalizing your decisions.
It will just be you.
And I think about this quite often.
The clarity on the day of your death..
I am betting and guessing..
is amazing.
20/20
a clear view to the horizon.
The only things we will regret will be not living fully and not loving enough.

It is not going to be the number on the scale.
although getting healthy to enjoy life is important.
IT's not going to be the bank account...
although being frugal and saving matter...

I want to look back and see that I took whatever power I had and leveraged it into a life that was full and fantastic.
I will not hand my power to anyone.
I will not abdicate my possibilities.
With love,
Chris





6.26.2014

How to begin to have the life you want

I was asked yesterday..
HOw do you begin to have the life you want.
How do you deconstruct your entire life?
The first step is, of course, realizing that you are in a life you DON'T want.
Many people don't even acknowledge the fact that they are miserable.
Or if they do, they think it's normal.
The idea that you have created your normal is hard to believe..
when your normal seems so shitty.
The thing is..
you have to want to feel better.
You have to want to be better.
Or you ain't gonna make it.
You chose your life, remember?
There is a reason you chose it.
Changing your whole life is a bitch.
It's worth it..
but this isn't a 3.5 miles walk-athon for fundraising..
this is training for the soul olympics.
I am going to post something from January 12th, 2000
This is about 7 years before I really began to change my whole life.

January 12, 2000

Well, back here again.
I get frustrated easily
I make a big deal over everything and nitpick Kate.
I am a fucking martinet who eats too much and spends too much.
I am tired and stressed.
I feel like I clean all the time and the house is still a mess.
Life is the same-day after day
Nothing changes
I get up, do useless errands and go to bed.
I have been doing this for six years.
No wonder I nitpick Kate...
I need to figure shit out or I will be STUCK IN THIS FUCKING HOLE MY ENTIRE LIFE.
(and here is why I know the date)
January 12, 2000
TIRED OF ASKING THIS QUESTION
WHY WON'T MY BRAIN ANSWER

and there you go folks.
That was me..fourteen years ago..it took me 7.more.years.  to start changing my life.
I had to recognize that I has lost my voice.
All that up there..
was a product of me...trying to be the picture of what I thought a mother and a wife should be.
The first step is hearing yourself.
And believing yourself.
When you are morbidly obese...
at some point you stopped listening to yourself..
because deep down you believed you weren't worth listening to.
So you began to listen to all these voices that tell you...
'have a sparkling home...your children will be healthy."
Never complain
good mothers ___________ (insert socially acceptable quality here)
The one voice of mine that I listened to was the voice my mother gave me..
That my children were their own people...and I was not to live vicariously through them.
And I honored that...
But it didn't stop me from tearing myself apart...
You want to change your life.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF.
Stop eating!
Not to lose weight...
set a calorie cap where you KNOW you won't be hungry...do it for a week..
feel your emotions..and when they come.
LISTEN
what are YOU SAYING!
What do you say to yourself!
And that, my darlings...will tell you everything you need to know about what you think of you.
Unless you know that...
unless you know where your own brain is..
you can't go anywhere.
Love,
Chris

6.24.2014

fighting to get even

Hello guys..
two blogs in days..
yup..some kind of record.
I am writing this because a blog buddy and good friend (Deb) made a comment that was dead on when it comes to my last post, and where I am in life right now.


I fought to level.


I fought to even ground.


All my life I have been in a deficit.
When I lost weight...
I wanted to skip the rest of it..
I wanted to believe I had done all I needed to do..even though I knew I hadn't.
It took me 20 some odd years to come to grips with my eating problems..
Finding out I had more shit under there was discouraging.
I just wanted to be better!
When I got down to a weight where men were noticing me..
it scared the shit out of me.
so badly I nearly fainted.
That was when I knew I couldn't ignore it...or act my way better.
I had to fix it.
So I took self defense classes.
Then I knew my marriage wasn't what it should be...
because even though my husband was better towards me because I lost weight.
he was better towards me because I lost weight.
The solving of the problem created a problem.
One I couldn't ignore...and it began to expose other problems....that I couldn't ignore.
Any person who has lost a significant amount of weight...
and was using that weight to solve emotional issues,...
will have one hell of a surprise waiting at the end of their rainbow.
YOu don't get in that kind of predicament without living with a seriously faulty set of beliefs....about yourself, relationships, life and everything in it.
When you begin to correct how you see yourself, long term?
yeah...
When you no longer lose weight from self hatred..
and begin to have faith in yourself..
Your mindset will shift...and will no longer align with the people in your life.
Remember, those people were attracted to a person covering their pain with food....
or a person who had no boundaries.
or a person that wanted love so badly, they would accept even the chimera of it...a shadow.
and either they will change, you will change back...or one of you will have to leave.
IT is rare for both people to change.
It is nigh on a miracle.
Your weight loss is going to expose every crack in the dam.
This is why weightloss fails.
major weightloss.
Because ripping apart your whole life wasn't the deal...fitting in a bikini was the deal.
But your health is bigger than clothing...


all my life I have felt less than...
I had to tear it all down and fight like hell to get to a healthy even.
to even begin to build.
I spent three years fighting the notion that I still had to fight.
I was tired of it.
But I remained steady long enough..
when I got tired..I held steady..
gave it a rest.
YOu don't have to keep pushing all the time.
If it is a long ass battle...
sit down for a month or two and hold your ground.
Or hell, like me...a year here, or a year there.
take note of where you were and where you are headed.
And then move forward.
I tell you...
one day you will reach daylight.
and you will find.
fighting from even ground feels like fighting from high ground when you are so used to being in a hole.
fighting for so long teaches you how to fight.
teaches you patience.
I am ten times stronger for it.
So keep fighting.
It may not be fair that you have to fight so hard...when others came out the shoot even.
but like a bone that fractures and heals..fractures and heals..
you become nearly unbreakable.
Chris out.





6.22.2014

can't find words deep enough

to title this post.


I don't know if you have ever felt splintered.
or fractured.
I remember feeling that way since I was little. (around 12)
But I didn't know I felt that way..
Like there was some internal weakness in me..that was unfixable.
Like I was somehow inherently incapable.
It manifested in fear of people...and staying alone.
Never speaking up...never putting anyone out.
Being abused...
being called stupid as a name..daily.
It instilled in me a BELIEF that I was wrong intrinsically.
I fought that with my BELIEF that God had planned me....had written me into the palm of his hand from the foundations of the earth and that I was no mistake.
They say you cannot hold two opposing beliefs.
That is not true.
You can.
You will just be confused.
You will fight within yourself.
You will have no real direction.
Because one half of you will be pulling like hell in one direction.
While the other half is pulling like hell in the other.
On the outside, this looks like stagnation.
inside it is a hurricane.
People will think you just lack motivation.
But what are you really?
you are TIRED!
  And you don't even know why.


It's because somewhere deep inside there are two sides of you...two belief systems
trying to win.
You can go your whole life doing this.
Don't think you can't.
The thing is...
the negative is much easier to believe.
The truth is so much harder to accept.
The truth means that not only do you have to level TO THE FOUNDATION your entire life..
which was built on a premise of lies about who you are..and what you are capable of..
it means you may lose people you love.
and that you hope love you.
Sometimes  it means accepting hurtful truths..
that they fell in love with an image in their own minds...and it was never you they loved to begin with.
and sometimes it is accepting that who you fell in love with, was safety.
or
It may mean you have to let go of the faulty premise of your love..
and rebuild a new relationship built on honesty and exposure..
and being who you really are...
not who you tried to be to please them...
or an image of who you wish you were..
or who someone told you you are...


And that is where I am...
I am in the rebuilding phase of my marriage.
And it is hard.
And it is wonderful.
and honest..and real.
And for the first time in our marriage..I feel like when he looks at me, and I look at him..we are really seeing each other.
And he hugged me yesterday and said "I really do love you, you know."
and I realized I really do love him too.


But I did it withour sacrificing who I am becoming.
And without lying.
and with telling him the truth about what I want.
Because I deserve to be treated with kindness...
and when he treats me with anger or contempt...I call it out right there.
I am learning my worth in God's eyes.
and givng my love accordingly...
I am trusting the process will take me where I need to go without clinging to any specific outcome.
That takes faith and hope.
Two things I have learned to reacquire.
btw.
I haven't had the urge to eat just to eat in three weeks. 
I have actually stopped, midway through a meal because I was no longer hungry..
not because I made myself.
I just stopped.
Like when I was little.
that was a good moment.
chris out.

5.29.2014

You deserve to be seen and loved

I used to wake  up in the morning dreaming of a perfect life.
I would skim through conversations with my husband..
ignoring the glaring warning signs of a lack of respect...
I would excuse it..wish it away..
oh he's just hungry..
grumpy...
feeling terrible
etc.
I used to project feelings onto others
I projected loyalty, love and friendship where only scant evidence existed.
As the late, great maya angelou once said
When people show you who they are; believe them.
Not
When people show you who they are...ignore it and wish it away. lol.

One of the scariest parts of getting healthy is facing the myriad of shitty relationships you have developed.
If the people around you don't believe in you..
don't believe the best in you.
aren't there for you when you need them most..
but you keep giving and giving and giving..
in the vain hope that someday, all that giving will show them what a fantastic person you are..
that you are worthy of love or friendship.
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Because a real friend, or lover or family member...doesn't need you to prove anything.
They simply believe you, and in you.
IF you were raised in  a family that was a complete bag of shit...
you will have to take my word for that.
But you will never find it in people who say one thing....but then never DO what they say.
love is a verb.
It's like the boyfriend who says.
oh baby...I love you..
but never calls.
when you need to talk...he's never there.
And when you need him period..he says you are clingy.
and when he is disrespectful in his language and demeanor..
and you get upset...
you are too sensitive.
This is your classic asshole..
there is no fixing this.
he latched on to YOU...because you threw off the vibe 'needy'.
you had no boundaries..
and he knew he could use you and abuse you...and you would still try to win his affection.
Because you KNEW you had to earn love.
That is what you had been taught, and what you had accepted as your reality...
and the predator types hone in on that.
I had an epic lesson in friendship.
I won't go into details...but it involved he said/she said...
and I approached this and tried to fix things...
I was lied about..but called a liar..and I had no way to prove my veracity. A woman I had only known ONE YEAR... looked at me and said..
Chris..
I have only known you one year...but I know this.
You would not lie.
That my friends...was a friend in action.
That's what it looks like when someone bothers to stop and see you..
and this same friend had also noticed something so profound...something I thought I held secret..
I took my youngest out to dinner..
and my youngest looked at me and said..
You know mom, I have a problem..how am I ever going to give my child a better life than the one I have had...mine has been perfect.
and I cried.
and when I told my friend what sophie had said..
she said..
That was your biggest wish, and you accomplished it.
I never told her that.
she just knew.
I tell you...to be truly known by someone...man.
it's about the best feeling in the world.
Because she saw past all my sarcasm and my smart ass..
and knew deep down that my primary purpose in life was to erase..moment by moment..
my childhood..and replace it with memories of my children's childhood.
she saw in me...a person who valued her integrity..and saw in my daughter..the same.
That takes a person who cares enough to look and to see...
I go to work daily...and have a boss who sees my potential.
If you are brave enough to see where you stand...
do one thing..
stop rowing.
many times we are rowing boats in relationships.
we think we are in tandem..
but we are rowing alone...
and we are so tired...we think there must be drag.
But we stop rowing..
and the boat stops.
If you want to know the state of your relationship, whatever it may be.
Stop rowing.
If the other person picks up the oars.
You may be on to something.
If not, it's time to find a new boat.
The hardest thing about creating boundaries and watching changes in behavior as a result...is that it never really erases what you already know about the person whose behavior is changing.
You can't unknow what you know.
Because I value my integrity so highly...the knowledge that someone who purports to love you...would treat you like shit unless you say no?
um..
That doesn't strike me as love.
The healthier I get....the less bullshit I am capable of filtering.
I do believe my bullshit filter is full.
But learning to set those boundaries and demand better.
it's essential to getting well.
You will find people who love you, and see you, and value you and want to take the time to be in relationship with you...
You just have to stop putting all your energy into people who have no interest in returning the favor.
make room.
it will happen.
I will post about my trip to san antonio later in the week..
hope all is good with you!
With love,
Chris out.