The truth about weight loss...

Is this..
It's easier to create a deficit when you are fatter.

There I said it.
I think I have lost 3 lbs this month.
That being said...

*heads up to the male readers....

Tom has made another early appearance.
Although I don't know if it's early or finally correct.
It has been moving backwards now for three months.
from the 18th...to the 8th to now.
the 31rst/1rst...
So It could be a 21 day cycle.
Maybe my hormones are straightening out...who knows.
* male readers, howdy again...lol
I will know in a week if this was a three pound month or a tommish fluke.
I did miss a few days because of that weird blood sugar thing.
Which by the way I am starting to think is an iron deficiency.
After 3 days of eating higher calories...I went back for one day to lower...and had heart palpitations.
I said to my husband "I would think it was an iron problem, but I don't have any bruising...(which is always a sign for me.)
Well, he says...Yes, you do...all up the back of your legs.
And so I started taking Iron pills two days ago and kept the lower calorie intake (around 1500) and things seem to have straightened out a bit. I am still tired..but am not getting woozy or light headed anymore.
I will give it a week to see if it turns a corner.

So,  back to creating a deficit.
I added it all up.
If I eat 1450 calories almost every day next month..burn 600 calories 21 days 300 calories 7 days (on the days we travel) and have one 100 calorie deficit day plus my one high calorie day...I will lose 4.5 lbs.
I actually added it up folks.
Here's the thing.
I should be more satisfied with my body now that it is a much lower weight.
I have lost an incredible amount of weight.
But there are still times (like today) that I look in the mirror and all I can see is the fat.
I still look pudgy.
I have people tell me "You look great!"
There are days when I feel it.
I feel great..on top of the world.
Then there are days like today.
I get on an elliptical and kick @ss.
I get on a stairstepper and kick @ss.
I do 210 sit ups.
Then I get on a scale and it reads 157, a weight I would have given my right eye for a year ago.
I remind myself of how far I've come.
Somedays it works.
And somedays I want to cut the rest of this fat off with a dull knife.
Then I remind myself that this kind of body hatred was what got me into trouble to begin with.
I weigh in tomorrow.
And 3 lbs is better than no lbs.
It's a loss.
It's 10,500 calories...
A 340 calorie a day deficit.
If it's 4 lbs...it was a 451 calorie a day deficit.
5 months of 4 lbs will be 20 lbs.
In five months at that rate of loss (which is very doable) I would weigh what I weighed when I met my  husband...
If I don't quit.
If I don't give in to the 'not good enough' mentality.
So I won't give up..
Don't you give up.
Oh, I forgot to write four more things.
I will write one tonight.
4.) I used to go out in the middle of the night when I was a teenager..two or three in the morning...because I had terrible insomnia.  I would ride my 10 speed down the middle of highway 10. Three miles from my house was the biggest hill in the area. It was called firetower hill...It was a two mile upgrade and a one mile down grade.   I would get to the top of firetower hill and then using my knees ( I rode my bike so much I could generally steer my bike by leaning) and I would use the moonlight hitting the reflectors in the middle of the road  to guide my bike. I would hold my hands out to the side and pretend to fly through the darkness. It was about 10 minutes of bliss, down hill on pavement.  My mom would have a heart attack and die if she read this.

I will write the last three tomorrow....
Now,  A big Thank You to every soldier who has fought and lived, or fought and died for this country.
A special Nod to all of the vietnam veteran's out there who never got the welcome home they deserved.
If I could throw a one woman parade for you I would.
For you Uncle Richard, Uncle junior, Butch and so many others.



The refuse to balloon badge (Ha haaa) an beautiful blogger...

Well, Thank you ice queen....That worked.
Now I know how to make Blog awards.
I have arrived.

In case you can't tell, that is the original violet who blew up like a blueberry.

Charlie and the chocolate factory is a favorite around our house.

"Violet, your turning violet, Violet.

So, there is the badge....do with it what you will.
Remember the official dates are June 8th through the 21rst.
If you want to do them all the way through that is cool too.
Just a quick post updating your daily exercise should do it...
Can't wait to see what you all come up with.

I walked 4.6 miles today...haven't done my situps yet...but will soon. I wanted to get this badge up and running.
Thanks for all the joiners.
I was never a joiner,but seem to be becoming one in my advanced years.

Well, Tomorrow it's back to the gym.
I went clothes shopping today and bought three pair of size 10's.
They are still a little snug but they fit. In one or two weeks they will fit even better.
It's kind of like the opposite of when you were a kid and bought the clothes big to grow into them.
Now I buy the clothes small to shrink into them.
Hope you all had a fab day!
Karen @ Fitcetera
so me
seattle runner girl
This will be fun.
Oh and I got an award a while ago and am falling behind.It's the beautiful blogger award...
Mrs. Happy pants awarded it to me yesterday..
and The monkey and me gave it to me a few days before that...
I have to write 7 thing you don't know about me..
Short of a speculum and a headlamp...I am not sure that there is anything ya'll don't know about me..
But I will give it a shot.

1.) On the day I left for the army I spent the lasat two hours NOT phoning my current boyfriend. Instead I put on a tape of Prince singing "cream'...and gyrated and jumped and danced like you wouldn't believe.
I was excited to be getting out of that one horse town.

2.) I hate the sound of chewing. I can't stand mouth noises.  It's just a thing. I can't sit with someone while they slop through their food. I will actually get up and leave.

3.) Socks and shoes.
I don't like them and never have.  That's why when I heard about the  idea of 'barefoot running'...and it could make my hillbilly need to disregard footgear look hip, I went for it.
I'll do the other 4 tomorrow.
Have a great night guys.


Serious Saturday Snark....

Hey all,
I skipped this last week because I wasn't nearly as irritated last week as I am today.
A little story for you.
I am standing in line waiting to pay for my big bottle of water.
In walks three teenage boys.
yuppie types with izod shirts and plaid jorts.
So, they are talking about girls.
(none of these young men were particularly attractive..and their attitudes even less so)
They are assigning numbers to girls they know.
It's pissing me off.
So the pimply and large one says "I won't date a girl who isn't at least a 7".
At this point I turn and give them my death stare.
Then his friend says "Oh,  you would settle for a 2'.
( Guess he took my stare as a "You're not a 7' stare as opposed to a 'shut your obnoxious trap' stare.)
The obnoxious conversation continues.
So, not to say I snapped...but I snapped....
 and muttered loud enough to hear..
"So if a guy who's a two tops and a girl who is a seven minimum  make a baby....does a four pop out?"
dead silence.
I got to buy my water in peace.
Sometimes people piss me off.

Okay, saturday snark part deux...
Today I went to the gym on fort carson.
It was closed, so I went in search of one of the other mythic gyms on post that I had heard about.
I found one.
It was pretty nice.
So, I am on my elliptical.
peddling for all I'm worth.
There is a lady who is about 30 pounds heavier.
riding a recumbant.
now, I have been 30 pounds heavier.
I know what it's like.
I also know 'dialed in' when I see it.
so, she finishes 30 minutes of half hearted peddling.
She gets on an elliptical..oh, did I mention she is texting the whole time she is working out?
She gets on the elliptical...and at cool down pace does 20 more minutes.
By cool down pace I mean, circle............circle.............circle................circle........................
I can hear her later....
"I work out an hour a day, Why can't I lose weight?"
You would lose more weight licking stamps. Each stamp is 2 calories by the way.
Sometimes I wish I were a trainer with a cattle prod
Alas, tis only a dream.

Saturday snark part three..
Apparently that whole "Block the hole with mud' thing isn't working in the gulf of Mexico.
I say we try fat, overpaid BP executives next.

Oh, and I would love to make a badge..
How do I do that?
Your clueless blogger,


I refuse to balloon in June.....

Well my bloggy peeps.
First things first, the song has strong language...if you don't like cussing...turn it off.
I just love the message. I looked for a clean version but couldn't find it.
so, forewarned is forearmed. It's a cuss fest, but the song has a lot of heart regardless.
So, anywhoozle.
I decided something.
I have decided that I am not going to meander after all..I have tried.  I don't like 'meandering'.

I am not the slow and easy type.  I need a goal. I need to set my eyes on something and conquer it. IT's my personality...It's who I am. It's how I Roll...not like the relentless mississippi, more like a ball of fire.
I can meander at goal weight.
 RIGHT NOW...I just want to get there.

So, I am going to buy a pair of size 8 pants and head in that direction.

In the spirit of decisiveness, I have decisively decided to make up my own challenge.
I am going to call it "I refuse to balloon in June'.
Last year I did every day in May. I love rhymes.
Well, I walked every day in May. It kept me on track, it gave me momentum.
I fiddled with the idea of 'maintaining' my not goal weight through June..
*insert whiny voice for next sentence*
It was going to be hard, I would be traveling, what if someone held me down and force feeds me ho hos in arkansas...
It's been known to happen.
In arkansas.
So, anywhoozle...except we aren't going through arkansas
I realized that I was setting my mind for mediocrity, or in more accurate terms...
for failure.
So, instead of maintaining.
I am going to lose.
At least 1 lb a week.
That means on this vacation lalapalooza, I will be exercising every single day of my trip.
That means in strange hotel rooms, at my MIL's house....even the night we arrive...
I will be asked why I can't just 'let it go'.
I will be forced to refuse that promised 'bucket of chicken'.
I want to prove to myself and you guys that losing weight while having food thrown at your face for days on end is possible.
The challenge will keep me in the game.
There is only one problem with this whole thing.
I should be able to blog, especially at my MIL's house ...it will be three solid days there of blogging.
But the traveling time will be hit and miss...I will blog daily in word and post when possible.
My mom doesn't have any internet whatsoever.
So,I may get one hecka blog Post in, but it will have to be up at the college where I am sure some hippy runs a wi-fi espresso bar.

So the goal is to drop 4 lbs in June.
It's on...I refuse to balloon in June. Anybody with me?
It's nothing official.
Just from June 8th till June 21rst...whatever the circumstances, no excuses...even if it means doing standing push ups at a loaf and jug and lunges in supermarket aisles, even if it means you are doing bicep curls with canned tomatoes at your nephew bar mitzvah, even if...EVEN if, you must jog in parking lots in circles...you will accomplish one hour of exercise every single day...
Whose in?
Have a great night guys.
Talk at you tomorrow.


For my Husband, on our anniversary...

I know I talk about my husband.
I have talked about our rough patch.
I have talked about our discussions.
Unfairly perhaps...because it only comes up in the context of  my weight loss.
So today on the eve of our 17th anniversary, I wanted to write something you don't know..
My husband has grown into a man I love and respect even more than the day I married him.
He was a green beret.
At my request, when he retired...instead of moving on to the inevitable blackwater position and making oodles of money overseas as a private security contractor...and missing that many more years together as a family.
He stayed here with us.
He became a Wackenhut security guard for 13 dollars an hour.
Because I asked him to.
Because our daughters asked him to.
You see, after spending the majority of our married life separated, I learned money isn't the most important thing. Time together is..
He is insulted daily.
He's called rent a cop, he is told about how he needs to go out and really experience life...like the 20 year old kid who spent two years in the army...talked down to by police officers. 
They have no idea who they are talking to.
They have no idea he was on an A team in special forces..
They just see a 40 year old man who walks with a limp after complications from giving his kidney to his little brother.
They don't know how he and his team, with the assistance from the kurds, held off an entire Iraqi division In northern Iraq while the army invaded from the south to kick off the war (If you want that story, read the book lords of chaos.)
They don't know he has scaled mountains the world over. And taught others to do the same.
That He did cold weather training in the north pole with the inuits, that he can make a radio out what he finds laying around..that he can identify just about any weapon that you put in front of him.
They don't know because he doesn't tell them
They just see a security guard.

He does it for us.
For his family.
It makes me love him more each day.
Now that is a real man.

So on our 17th anniversary.
I just want to say, I am a lucky woman.
I love you Tim.

one more day

Hey all,
Had a great day today.
Went to the gym and got a good workout in...
Did one  hour on the elliptical, did my weights and my sit-ups.

So, While I am on my elliptical, it is feeling a bit endless.
Sometimes my workouts feel that way.
So I am switching back and forth between my radio and the t.v.
The American Idol finale is on, and of course what could be done in thirty minutes must be dragged out for  two hours.  I am thinking they will be done by 8 and so have not only done my hour but have restarted the machine and am heading into my second hour. ( I have no TV at home.and I have no idea who any of these people are, but I always like to see dreams come true. This is why I watch the super bowl and other big sporting events.)  I have seen Michael McDonald, then Hall and Oates (all the while thinking..."No wonder they broke up, that blond guy does all the singing.') It gets to 8 o'clock and they are STILL GOING. I think 'holy crow people, how long can this go on..." And decide to ditch the rest of this hoo and move on with the remainder of my workout.
But I hear some guy start warbling "Every rose has it's thorn,'
Then I hear all the girls start screaming and realize Brett Michaels has made an appearance.
Now, I am not now, nor was I ever, a Poison fan.
While other girls were daydreaming over long haired rocker types...I held in my heart a special place for Reese from terminator.
I wanted a guy who could make pipe bombs, not don eyeliner.
So, Brett wasn't my cup of tea.
But, since I don't live under a rock...I did know he had recently suffered a near fatal brain Aneurysm.
I nearly cried for him.
Isn't that what we all want?

One more day.

I mean, in many ways...this is why I am losing weight and getting healthy. To live.

As I peddled ineffectively on my elliptical, watching him sing.
I wondered what he must be feeling.
A week or two ago, he was standing on the edge of an abyss.

Gazing into eternity.

Tonight, he was on stage doing what He loves.
I can't imagine he has ever felt More alive, or more grateful to be so.

Today was a very busy day for me.
I had a lot to do.
When I had completed my last Have to do thing for the day, I was driving home.
I thought 'Thank God it's over.'
Then I thought...'But thank you for it."
(This was me talking to God, so he doesn't get any funny ideas about my not being grateful, lol.)
I know each day is a gift.
Today I got to:
I got to Watch my daughter meet new people and make new friends.
I made Trail mix for the first time.
I got to Hand out well deserved girl scout awards.
Slide down a slide.
Feel the sun and wind on my face.
Talk to friends.
Watch a movie and laugh with my husband.
And tonight I get to sit here and write what I did on this day and express my gratitude for having lived it.
By God's grace I will have a tomorrow.
Minutes granted to me, minutes that were not granted to someone else.
Moments lived by me, that others may be missing.
It's a privilege to draw breath, to have a family, to have eyes, and ears.
It's even a privilege to have gratitude, when so many don't.
I know that feeling grateful is a gift given by God.
I hope you all had a great day, and even if it was complete and utter crap...
Here is to a new tomorrow.
Another chance to try again.


feels like voodoo...

So, i ate maintenance calories today for someone my weight who is sedentary...1730 cal.
I felt decadent.
I even had cheese on a sandwich. lol.
Well..the upshot is this.
I did 45 minutes on the stairstepper..jogged a mile and walked a mile..
and nary a shake, or spots were to be found.
It's low blood sugar.
I do not have THAT much patience however...
so..time for some calorie voodoo.
I will go lighter for breakfast...light for lunch.  no more than 500-600 calories for the first part of my day up till my workout..about an hour prior it will be a granola bar and some fatty protein....like nuts.
That will be a good 400 calories...300 about one hour prior in the form of granola or banana and 1/4 cup of nuts...and 100 after...in the form of 1/2 of a  granola bar .
I think my body needs fuel to get through the workout..and it will draw from my fat stores earlier and later.
That is the plan...1400-1500 calories....just with the calories distributed differently.
I gotta go watch Zombieland with my hubby...hope you all have a great night.


low blood sugar round 2

Okay, I have been eating around 1500 calories per day and have been hungry.
I don't know why...my weight has stabalized around 157.
I can't really cut my calories because when I do I have problems with low blood sugar..
Thinks like being dizzy and having shakes after working out...
Well today I ate about 1000 calories before even hitting the gym.
I am coming home after burning around 800 and start seeing flashes in my peripheal vision/????
It looked kind of like water or something.
I got home and ate a granola bar.
It stopped.
I looked it up and it is yet ANOTHER sign of low blood sugar. 
Maybe I should put my calories up to maintenance level for a week to see what happens.
I don't know.
This is the third time I have had an issue like this, this month.

Oh, and Tiim and I  did a little 'experiment' this morning with that cat I was talking about last night.
We thought...well, maybe if we bring her in, Leo would just get used to her.
So Tim goes and gets her...he comes through the door with the cat and both Duke and leo are fine.
He sets her down and all hell breaks loose....
That cat gets up on it's hind legs..howls..hisses and swats at poor Duke..(who is just standing there)
Then that cat takes off out the door.
Tim and I both start laughing, cause poor duke just looks so confused.
I said "Well, that didn't work.'
Oh well...
We tried.
Our cat doesn't like the cat and that cat doesn't like our dog.
Well...I am really tired so I think I will get some sleep.
have a great night guys.
Will talk to you tomorrow.


anybody want a cat?

Hi, I am going to keep this post short tonight.
I am really tired and have to get up early.
Today I walked 3 miles and did 70 situps.
This was a very easy workout day for me...for a reason...
I wanted to get some  work done in the house, not only cause it needed it and not only because my husband doesn't like the house...
but I needed to eliminate some stuff.
So I spent the remainder of my day doing laundry and sorting through the drawers of my youngest....
We whittled it down to 8 pairs of pants and 8 long sleeve shirts and 6 short sleeve shirts.
5 dresses, 10 pair of socks..sweaters, a jacket and a puffy slip.

We need some shorts, as she only has 2 pair.

so, about that title.
There was a cat hanging next door at my friend Amber's house.
It was very sweet and doesn't seem to mind all the going's on...
Well, when I came back from running errands at the store tonight,
There it was, lying in my driveway.
Now,  we have a cat named Leo.
Kate found him a few years ago under an abandoned truck as a kitten.
He is a great cat and quite the character.
He doesn't like other cats...at all.
We had him fixed because he was so territorial he clawed my daughter up one night trying to get at another cat.
Well, this cat is a female, but leo didn't seem to care.
We will be putting up flyers tomorrow and then calling the humane society to see if we can find a foster family for the cat till they can find it a home.
Till then we gave it a basket and some food and water.
The cat has a great temperment.
It seems like it is an indoors cat and a cuddler.
Our dog likes it, it's leo who doesn't.
we tried to introduce them by putting leo on a leash and  letting them 'meet'.
Well, he started growling and trying to get away.
Then for the last hour he has hung out in the window and stared and growled.
So, until they can foster this cat...I guess we will provide food and water, and a basket for this cat.
I would keep it if I didn't think blood would fly.
I love cats...
I may get it a rabies shot in any case.
There have been rabid animals in the county...
The cat needs to be protected if it's going to be outside.
If you can't tell, this is bothering me.
Anybody want a cat?
Well, it's back to the gym tomorrow for a 'real' workout.
Have a great night everyone.

Learning who I am and drawing boundaries...

Hey all,
hope everyone had a good day.  I did.
Me and my co leader took our troop up to the Denver Zoo for a day of fun.
They earned it and with the cookie money they earned by selling cookies, they paid for EVERYONE.
Their families and siblings...you name it.
It was a nice day.
I have been so busy this last year.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that my bill paying and house cleaning had slipped.
Well, My husband has been complaining lately.
Not that I blame him..but I am lucky if I spend an hour or two on the house a day.
I keep it manageable but not anywhere like I would like it.
So, Tonight he gets up and is doing dishes.
I hadn't had a chance to last night or today.
Last night I was getting ready for our trip to the zoo and today I was at the zoo.
When  he 'helps'...well, he helps with a critical spirit.
I am a lot of things....impatient, tunnel visioned...
But I Have a "Thing".
I don't tell people HOW to live...
and if I choose to help,
I do it with pure intent or I don't do it.
I don't help to make people feel small.
I don't give unless I can forget it the next day.
God discerns the intent.
God says "never let your left hand know what your right  hand is doing'.
Meaning, don't do it for self glorification.

I don't tell people HOW to spend their time.
Not even my kids unless it's absolutely necessary.
I don't believe in pushing my vision of what I find important off on others.
My oldest daughter asked me once, Why she and her sister are so different.
I like to think it's because I did a good job at being a mother.
I encouraged them to be WHO THEY ARE.
Now, there are basic things...compassion.
That's not optional.
Not optional.
The rest.
I hate more than anything, someone telling me how I ought to prioritize my time, telling me how to spend my time and who I OUGHT to be.
As long as I am getting it done...I'm good.
For the last year, I have been getting it done.
Minimally, but done.
My husband has chosen to not do many things that I have chosen to ignore.
Things like take care of the yard except for mowing the lawn.
In point of fact, he does next to nothing around the house...
A fact a good friend can attest to.
It didn't bother me.
He works full time and has no objections on how I spend money..
So I had no objections on how he spends his time.
Well....he has become quite critical as of late with me about housework.
When it is no worse than it ever was.
I think it has something to do with my getting better looking and some insecurity.
He says things now like;
"where were you"
"Why are you putting on makeup."
Well I quickly confronted him about his critical attitude regarding how I spend my time as of late.
He said "I never used to have to worry about you because you were...."
I am like...
He's all "Yeah...
"But still, I do want to get the house in order."

Which I understand...but that it was my house too.
And he could touch anything that wasn't mine.
He looked stunned.
Then he said.."What's yours?"
I said, 'My clothes, my makeup, my art"...etc.
I said 'You run over people to get your way when you get angry.'
"But I am drawing the line at my stuff."
Since I knew it was me he was aiming at...we got down to it pretty quick.
Then we finally had a conversation about what we want and don't want in our marriage.
What I am good at and what I am not good at.
YOu would think we would have had this discussion before..
but we spent the first fifteen years with him gone about 8 or 9 of it deployed...and that is not an exaggeration.
The rest, he was home but working 12 hour days.
Then he got out and had some ptsd and we had to deal with other stuff.
Then he went through some period of withdrawal...then he gave his kidney and had a little setback, and now we are finally starting to settle into a semblance of a 'normal' marriage. lol.
So, now the normal stuff is here for us to deal with.
I have accepted Tim right along.
I accept who he is..trying to change someone is a recipe for heart ache.
He has either idealized me or tried to change the things he couldn't idealize.
Well, I used to accept that, now I confront it.

I will NEVER be good at housekeeping..to be good at it you have to take some joy in a shiny toilet.
God bless the folks for whom that is true...but it ISN'T ME.
I like a decent house...a house I can be proud of.
But "getting the corners" has never been my strong suit.
I am most proud of the fact that my children can voice their opinions, be confident in their identities and express themselves.. I am proud to KNOW my children.
I am proud of the fact that I have a no nag policy with my husband.
I am not his mother.
I have never nagged him to quit gaming.
I have never nagged him to quit chewing or smoking.
I have never nagged him to quit drinking.
I tell him what i will and won't do.
He makes his decisions from there.
The only person I can control is me.
I am proud to be creative, and flexible, open
 minded and adventurous.
My kids have clean clothes.
They have food on the table and in the fridge.
They have a living room that is decent.
Their rooms need work. ;o) 
But man, they know who they are.
I spent years wishing I had other people's gifts.
Some people are super organized.
My friend amber.
Really good at getting all the ducks in a row.
Well, this year I learned something.
I can't get the ducks to line up..
But I can talk to them and get them to dance.
I am good at learning about and talking to people..
Kids, adults, it doesn't matter.
But telling them how to be...Not for me.
I would rather talk to somebody and watch them figure out what they want for themselves.
For me, there is nothing better.
I would be cruise activities directer...or counselor.
Not captain.
But, learning good habits isn't such a bad thing.
I think Tim is right.
I need to simplify.
I am never going to be one of those people who has china and real silver..or antiques...
I am not that into my house.
I would love to decorate other peoples though. lol.
For me, a home should be comfortable, and something to come back to...
After you go and have adventures.
What I really want is a hobbit hole.
A place to sit and read.
A place to store my art supplies and to draw.
A place to eat, and a place to sleep.
A place to sit and have card games.
I don't want a show place.
Walls are there for a reason...to show REAL art.
Art that has meaning...If I could, I would cover every square inch of my walls in art.
A house with nick nacks and froo froos.
It doesn't suit me. and it doesn't suit tim...
It's nice getting to know yourself.
I can  work on it.  The organization thing.
Part of me rebelled when I left my mom's  house.
NOTHING was ever out of place in my mom's house.
I have a picture, taken in my mom's house.
In it you can see a footstool in the background.
It's made of Naugahyde..It SHINES in the background...she washed it till it shone.
She never spent time talking with us.
I remember sitting out in the living room watching the wizard of Oz with my brothers and she would be in the kitchen wiping away non existent stains from the cabinets.
The most frequent sentence my mother said to me was:
"I just don't understand you."
I didn't want that kind of relationship with my kids.
I would like them to be a bit more organized.
It's something I can  help them work on while I work on it too.
Well,  have a great night guys.
It's back to the gym tomorrow.


In the summer of my life...

I woke up today and I felt happy.
I don't know how else to put it.
I felt fan  frippin tastic.

I knew I had to go to the gym today.
I wanted to push myself.
Even if it meant I felt a little pain.
A little sore.
Today I didn't want to work out to lose weight.
I didn't care what my burn totals were.
I wanted to work out to FEEL ALIVE.
I wanted to see what my body was capable of...
So I did a half mile walk.
Then I took off  my shoes and ran barefoot for a mile and a quarter.
Then I walked another quarter mile to cool down.
Then I went inside and got on the elliptical.
I did 30 minutes on that.
Then I got on the stairstepper and did 20 minutes on that.
At the end I was sweating so hard my hair was sopping wet and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back.
Then I went and streeeeetched and streeeeeetched for at least fifteen minutes.
It felt great.

I went home and knew I had to get around to take my scouts to the Denver zoo tomorrow.
They busted their humps and did such a great job.
The money they earned will pay their way and their families way in tomorrow.
So, I had to clean out my van cause we had to pull the back seat up to make room for a mom and her daughter.
So, I am driving down to the car wash and singing along to journey's Don't Stop Believing when it hit me.
What that feeling was..

As soon as I figured that out all sorts of things popped into my head.
I felt like I used to feel when I was 10 and the last day of school approached.
How excited I would get to go swimming down at 8 point lake.
How my brothers and I would spend all day in the woods building forts.
How I used to ride my bike for thirty or forty miles a day when I turned sixteen.
The thrill of making it up fire tower hill on my bike without stopping ( It was a mile steep incline that curved up and up...and then at the top you had a two mile downhill that you could coast all the way into lake station).
Running through the grass.
Feeling like anything was possible...
Rafting down the Muskegon river with my mom and my two brothers, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows on the river bank .
We did that once a year
I read a quote on a few blogs about there being an 'invincible summer' in your soul.
Today I felt it.
I don't know if any of you have felt like you had an invincible winter in there, but many times, that is how I felt.
I hope this isn't just a passing feeling, but something that will come around more often.
I feel like I am fifteen again, and that my life has so many possiblities.
It's a feeling I haven't had for a long time.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.

The best thing I've read in a while...

Is this.
She said what I meant.
thanks Kim


Good day...and a discussion wrap up.

Hey all,
Thanks for taking the time to comment on my last post...all those for and against.
I did want to address a few of the comments.
1) I don't want anyone to hate themselves for 'how they look'.
I think the looks part of morbid obesity (and I may be naive here) is the least of it.
It's the early death thing I worry about. 
However, someone ...hallie...made a great point.
If someone decides that being morbidly obese is just fine for them. If they don't want to deal with it, or they don't want to 'get healthy'....then it should be acceptable.
The only thing that worries me with that line of thinking would be the idea that what we do doesn't affect the people around us.
I had an interesting discussion with a feller on youtube.
He was angry cause Dr. Oz invited Richard simmons on his show because he was gay.
Gays being more prone to AIDS specifically, and that since Dr. OZ won't hire smokers..he shouldn't have Gays on...(I know, the logic is something to behold.)
Well, there are are whole plethora of behaviors that can lead to an early death.
NOt wearing seatbelts.
Drug abuse.
Risky daredevil type behavior such as  base jumping.

All these things can 'increase your chances of a sudden demise.
So can overeating.
When it's just you, then it's just you.
But because I have two children...in many ways I have voluntarily taken on a bigger responsiblity.
To be a good example.
I have been morbidly obese.
I tried every day to be a good example.
I tried to be a good mother.
I think in many ways I succeeded.
But the biggest failure wasn't being morbidly obese.
It was teaching my daughters that when they become moms...they should take no time to keep themselves healthy.
I was teaching them to rate themselves, their health...underneath that of the family pet.
I believe we are all children of God, and our weight does not add or detract from our worth as human beings.
But I also believe telling people that they aren't capable isn't loving either.
But nagging people isn't loving at all either.
It has to be up to each person.
I just think the whole fat acceptance thing is missing something big.
The most loving thing you can do is to believe in another person's potential to truly create the life they want.
I had a good day.
Did my elliptical, weight lifting and the situps.
Have a great night guys.


Acceptance that kills.

(Hey all..Just wanted to put up here that I welcome comments that DISAGREE as well...I am interested in all opinions and in opening a dialogue....everyone had the right to express what and why they think it...I love open discussion. Fire away)

Hello all,
I got a law in today. 5.6 miles...it was great.
I have to dye my roots shortly...I keep forgetting because I go to the gym daily and shower daily.
So I have to dye my hair at night to really let the color set, because I will be going to the gym and will sweat. And I DO NOT sleep in sweaty hair.
Just sayin'.

I have decided to a talk about something that I have seen around.
Fat acceptance.
I like the IDEA of loving yourself for who you are.
I think that's a great idea.
But not when it's a copout.
Let's get the caveats out of the way right now.
Some people have serious thyroid issues.
Some people are paralyzed.
Some people have terminal illnesses.
Some people are just holding an extra 10 pounds.
Some people just  have cellulite.
I am not talking about these people.
I am talking about people who can lose weight.
Have no physical impediment...(besides their increasing weight and the decreasing physical ability)
to losing weight..
People who are morbidly obese or just obese...
There are people out there who say;" I love myself the way I am.'
Now, if they were talking about their nose...or their teeth..or their hair color..
Things that won't harm them, I would say YEAH!

Good on you sister (or brother)...love yourself.
But when something is damaging or harmful....when it is something within your control to change.
 Accepting it is a cop out..
It's like accepting that someone is just a drunk...or a drug addict, and that it is beyond their ability to change it.
It isn't.
They just don't want to put the work in to change it because they don't want to give up the food...or the drug, or the drink.
It is no better than being a drunk in the effect it has on your family.
I should know...My husband was an alcoholic and I was a food addict.
He spent money on beer.
I spent money on Drive thru.
He would take naps in the afternoon.
I would take naps in the afternoon.
It was damaging his health.
It was damaging my health.
I made promises to change.
He made promises to change.
Jack wrote about the five stages of dieting...
The last stage he wrote about was acceptance.
Accepting that you have to watch what you eat and lose the weight.
But, there is a flip side to acceptance.
I had found it...before my flip switched.
that flip side said this:
I had accepted quite a few erroneous ideas.
Ideas such as:
"I will always be fat.  IT's the way I was made.  I can't give up food.
I don't like exercise.  It isn't harming anybody but me."

It was all a lie.
I didn't have to be fat.
It wasn't the way I was made.
I could give up food...I DIDN'T WANT TO.
I wouldn't know if I liked exercise or not, I never tried any....and if I did, of course it wasn't very enjoyable at first...I was a HUNDRED POUNDS OVERWEIGHT.
That is painful.
And the worst lie...
"It's only harming me."

It wasn't just harming me..
It was harming my kids.
It was harming my relationship with my husband.
It was causing me to live HALF A LIFE.
To think.
For a period of two or three years I simple accepted that I was meant to be fat.
If I had gone on believing that, I don't know where I would be now.
Maybe three hundred pounds.
Who knows.
I am glad I didn't accept that.
I am glad something went off in my wee little brain that said...
'H*ll no, I deserve better than this!"
You have to accept THAT.
That you don't deserve to feel ashamed, tired, half dead...that you deserve better.
Accept your exceptionalism.
Accept your label as a winner.
Accept that you can do this.  That you will.
It's all in the mind.
Well. Have a great day all,


MY TATTOO...and an NSV.

So, about a week ago Tuesday I started getting antsy.
I knew I wanted to get my tattoo but was getting nervous.
Too nervous.
I know me, there is a window of opportunity for new things.
If I waited too long I would talk myself out of it.
And I didn't want to talk myself out of  it.
I wanted it.
So I drove around on Tuesday afternoon looking at  tattoo parlors.
Now, there's a rare treat.

The first one I go to is on the seedier side of town.
It was called 'area 51', I looked through the flash and it all seemed a bit cartoony to me.
The lady who ran the counter was an interesting character.
Her name was muffin...(at least that's how she introduced herself.)

I did talk to muffin...(whose whole face seemed to consist of what she deemed 'good places for hardware")
She had pierced:
The bridge of her nose.
Her upper lip in four places
Her lower lip in four places
her eyebrows
her cheeks
and her ears
and her knuckles.
and well...that was far as I could see.
Anything NOT pierced was tattooed..and anything not tattooed was dyed.
I told her my two places for my potential tattoo....one was on my arm and the other...my right hip area.
She said that the hip area was hard, because you had to 'stretch the skin'.
I just looked at her...then she says..."Oh, I am not saying anything about your weight, it's fine...it isn't that."
I started laughing...but didn't explain why.
Honey, there is nothing you could say about my weight that hasn't been said...
(well that was what I was thinking.)
Besides..muffin was bigger than me.
I decide against muffin.
Sometimes you have to 'go with your gut."
I shopped around a bit more...and ended up at a tattoo shop called "Dark Ink'.
I go in and the first thing I notice is how clean it is.
The second thing I notice is that the 'secretary' is a clean, nice looking Lady who couldn't open an Ace Hardware store with her facial accessories.
I sat down...and asked about their flash.
They don't have any...everything they do is done freestyle.
All their tattooists draw freehand.
I saw the work.
I was impressed.
The guy that runs the shop was very nice. (his name was tinker and he had PURE PAIN tattooed on his knuckles and WTF tattooed under his mouth on his chin) He sat me down and we went through the whole thing.
Single use needles, everything is pre-packaged, used once and thrown away.
I said I would come back the next day.
I went home...
I really thought about where I wanted it and what I wanted.
I decided that I would go smaller.
I wanted the words live deliberately and a heart that represented my girls.
I came back the next day and the lady who did my tattoo was very quiet and very professional.
Her name was Duffy. (Is it just me, or does everyone at tattoo parlors sound like they belong in a disney movie? Duffy, Tinker, Muffin....) 
She was also pregnant and had a NECK tattoo.
That was about the time I decided squirming, screaming, fainting or crying were not options.
If a pregnant chick can get a neck tattoo, I can get a tattoo.
I decided to place it  on my left chest over my heart area.
They made a  stencil of the words and one of their people made a free hand drawing of the heart I wanted...

It is in Edwardian script...and it is about two inches wide and two inches high.
That lady did an outstanding job with the lettering.
I had to be very careful not to breathe heavily and not to jerk.
So what she did was give me a dry needle to get me used to the feeling..so that when she began she wouldn't startle me.

She  ran the needle and it felt like a quick pain...like a quick cat scratch...it  'hurt' but it wasn't unbearable.
So I said I was ready and she placed the stencil transfer..then she let me get up and look...i didn't like the placement..
So, she wiped it off and did it again.
I liked it.
Got in the chair....
And she began...Now, I have to say that the pain was hit and miss.
It wasn't one loooong cat scratch...it came and went...in between it was just vibrations and honestly it felt kind of numb, then she would hit a spot.
I kept my breathing shallow and really tried to keep it even and NOT JERK.
It was really delicate script....I didn't want it to be indecipherable.
The heart was in the same style...just two sides that didn't touch with a delicate kind of line.
You can probably look the script up on Microsoft word or office.
The whole thing took about an hour.
I will have a picture of it in the next day or two, it's still healing and so there is still some ink that is greying up the place...but I can read it very clearly...picture taking is another matter...lol.
So give me a day or two.
I have some really cool news about my size 10 pants.
They fit.
I wore them shopping today.
They still have some tightness in the thigh area, but I could sit down comfortably...I could zip them.
The best part, I was looking for a dress for my upcoming wedding anniversary (17 years) and I found  a perfect pair of shoes..they were gold and hard to describe....(will take a picture of these as well.)
So the lady is trying to help me find a perfect dress to go with the shoes (yes, lol...the shoes are that cool)
She pulls out a brown strapless dress and says "This is a 9/10...is it too BIG?"
I am all like "um, no...I wear a SIZE 10."
She thought it was TOO BIG.
That was UNREAL!
I didn't get it...but I did try it on and it did fit.
I am a size 10.
There are certain sizes that scream different things to me....
Size 24, at my biggest...
I knew I was 'plus sized'.
Size 14...I could shop in the 'normal section'.
Size 10....I feel thin.
It's that simple.
Hope you all had a great day.
I went over my calories today. by 200...not what I wanted.
Oh well.
I miscalculated some black beans.
Not good.
Tomorrow I will keep it to 1400 and the calories will balance.
Luckily I got one heckuva workout in today and burned 800 calories.
I ended up with a 570 calorie deficit.
oh well.
Hugs to you all.
Have a  great night.

Your tattoo having, size 10 wearing blogger...


Finding maintenance-by the numbers.

Hello all,
I had a really good day food and exercise wise. 
I keep forgetting to tell you about the tattoo I got last week.
I promise to fill you in tomorrow....oy. lol.
I decided to go pretty small but it does say Live deliberately.
So again, will talk about that whole experience tomorrow.
I went grocery shopping today.
Since nixing the whole splurge day thing, I have been thinking about how to fit in my little treats here and there.
I am also working on cutting out calories that don't really serve any purpose and don't increase my 'food enjoyment quotient'....which, which from here on out, will be referred to as The F.E.Q.
I am trying out frozen fruits.
Blueberries and cherries are the two I am giving a go this week.
I have been using canned peaches in light syrup (1/2 cup 60 cal.)....with 2 % fage (1 cup=150 cal.) and 2 T honey (120 cal.) for breakfast three days a week.
F.E.Q.  8 out of 10 on the food enjoyment scale.
I am going to (using my handy dandy blender) take a half cup of frozen blueberries (45 cal.) (or cherries...depending on the day), 1T honey (60c.) and 1 packet of Truvia (0 c.) and see if I can't equal or exceed The FEQ of my fage.
It will eliminate around 75 calories from my breakfast total if I like it.
A tablespoon of honey...60 calories. just sayin'.
It will drop my breakfast calories from 330 to around 260.
My other breakfast is 3 eggs and one piece of toast. (310 cal.) (Don't say a word..anyone touching my eggs will draw back a bloody nub, I love my eggs over easy...also known in THIS house as 'dippin' eggs. )
I think I need a third option....I still have to try that baked oatmeal.
If there is anything I really need to improve it's my kitchen experimentation.
I will also be cutting the sugar out of my second cup of coffee with Truvia as well.
I will drink the first one like I usually do.
2 T of sugar and 1/4 cup of 2% milk. 
I love my coffee..it's starbucks espresso.
I brew it at home, and is the only food that enjoys a 10 on my FEQ meter.
My second cup rarely rates a 10, more like a 5 or 6.
So I have decided that since the pleasure drops precipitously with each succeeding cup, why waste calories?
If I really need a second cup I will use milk and Truvia. 
The second cup would only clock in at 30 calories instead of 120.
It's worth cutting.
Just those two small changes would net me 165 extra calories that I can spend in a few different ways.
Right now...I am eating around 800 calories at the first part of my day and 600 *to 700 for dinner.
My lunch is usually around 330-400 calories. (*700 is RARE)
It is usually a small handful of nuts, a cascadia farm oat and flax bar and maybe some fresh fruit.
Or it could be cottage cheese and fruit...or soup, or a sandwich (one piece of bread), or a salad (this is rare as it feels a bit diet-y to me, a feeling I avoid at all costs.)
Now I can spend my NOW remaining 700 or so calories with either a more extragavant dinner (meaning I get some starch) OR a little treat..
For instance I found these skinny cow bars.  I got some white mint ones...
Well, they are pretty tasty and only clock in at 100 calories.
So, I ate some turkey sausage that I found that was sliiiightly higher in calories but loads better in taste...110 calories vs. 70 per serving. I ate three servings or 330 cals worth...and then ate one zuchinni, one red bell pepper and five mushrooms.
I then ate one skinny cow ice cream bar.
FEQ of around a 9. If it had been the chocolate one...it would have been a 10.
I am trying to enjoy my food more.
I am also going to try that pasta TJ eats.
Fiber gourmet.
It has a lot fewer calories and a bunch more fiber.
I may, on Saturdays, (my 1800 calorie day) be able to bring back my world famous lasagnawith that pasta, my reduced fat mozzerella, 2 percent cottage cheese and prego spaghetti sauce *the only kind that will do.
 We shall see...lol. 
I am on a quest over the next 6 months to Find foods I love and can eat in moderation, daily.
This is a part of my finding maintenance.
The next thing I will work on is a satisfying mix of exercise that I can do, and achieve the maximum results in less than 1 hr. and 15 minutes per day.  Probably 45-50 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of toning daily, and 5 minutes of stretching.
It takes me 10 minutes to get to my gym, and 10 minutes to get home.
An hour and a half a day is quite enough to spend.
Well, hope you all are having a great day.
Today I did 3/4 ths of a mile walk, 1.25 mile barefoot jog, 15 minutes on a stationary bike and 20 minutes hands free on the stairstepper. I then stretched for 5 minutes and did 210 sit-ups to discipline the mind and the body.
Hope everyone had a successful day.
Your in search of blogger,


Come on down to the starve and binge....

Hey all,
I have been getting questions lately about my calorie intake.
I will be eating 1400-1500 calories 5 days a week.
On Wednesdays I eat 1600 and Saturdays I will eat 1800 calories.
People wanted to know how I could eat 'so many calories' and still lose weight.
These calories are actually lower than recommended.
I am still in weight loss calorie range here.
Maybe I should explain a bit about my weight loss philosphy.
I have no intention of starving to lose weight.
There is no reason to.
One person expressed concern over losing 'only' 1 or 2 lbs a week.
I don't mean to pick, I can see how 1 or 2 pounds might seem 'slow'.
It's a healthy weight loss.
It is EXACTLY the amount I am looking to lose per week.
4-5 lbs a month is what I am shooting for.
I exercise 6 days a week...
6 days of cardio and toning.
I burn 500-700 calories at a time.
On days when I eat 1400-1500 I am at a 600 to 700 calorie deficit
When I eat 1600 I am at a 500 calorie deficit.
At 1800 I am at around a 300 calorie surplus unless I take a hike with my kids.
over all I will be around 3000-3500 calorie deficit per week...maybe more depending on how many 1400 calorie days I have and how hard I work out.
This isn't a race to the 'finish line' for me.
I get no awards for hitting 'goal' in record time.
On may 18th, it will be one year to the day that I weighed for the first time, I started losing weight by walking and capping my calories two weeks prior.
In that time I have lost around 106 pounds.
That averages out to 2 lbs a week.
In that time I have NEVER laid in bed starving.
I have never thought...I need to starve myself to lose weight.
You see, I used to do this.
I would eat 1200 calories or less.
I would starve, I would workout, starve some more..
I would last two or three weeks.
Then I would binge.
Then I would step on the scale and get upset cause I had 'only' lost a pound or two in two weeks.
Number 1.
All those calories count, whether they are planned for or whether they are not planned for.
If you eat so little that you snap and binge,  feel guilty, starve some more, over exercise, get on the scale, get upset, starve, snap, binge, feel guilty, over exercise,  then quit. Then regain what you've lost and then some.
You get nowhere.
For me, this is not an all or nothing proposition.
I am trying to live life. 
I am not interested in getting 'there' as quickly as possible.
I am interested in learning how to live this way FOR.THE.REST.OF.MY.LIFE.
And quite frankly, if I thought I could only eat 1000 calories a day for the rest of my life...I'd still be fat.
That's the truth.
If that is all you can truly eat, then you should have your thyroid checked.
Average daily intake for a woman who is 128 lbs and exercises should be around 1700 calories a day.
If you can't lose on 1200-1400 calories a day...I would say your thyroid is hinky.
If you take my calories and add them and then divide them....it averages around 1523 calories a day.
My goal weight is 132 lbs. It takes around 1320 to maintain 132 lbs without exercise....If I burn 500 doing exercise, I should be able to eat 1820 calories a day.
I have been spot on with this all the way from 262 to my current weight of 157 lbs. 
So the calories I am eating still aren't maintenance for my goal weight, but I am shifting in that direction.
I am looking to hit 132 somewhere around december of this year.  
I used to head on down to the binge and starve once  a year.
Every year I would give up and feel frustrated, like a loser.
I wasn't a loser, I was just off kilter.
I wasn't making this a part of my life.
It was an abberation, a thing I could stop doing once I reached some magical weight.
It can't be that.
It has to become as unconcious, as natural as being fat was.
That takes time, and planning, and deliberate decisions about what I do.
I hope this answers some questions about my weight loss...
 I would like to leave a few questions.
What are you trying to accomplish by losing weight?
What is it you are shooting for?
It's not a number...that I know.
Hope everyone has a great sunday.
I have to get ready for the gym.



Saturday Snark...

Okay, saturdays are duds...at least around blogland.
So Instead of putting good brain power to waste...I think each Saturday I will have a little laugh at other's expense.

Does this mean I am not compassionate?
It does mean my bullsh*t meter is up and running.

This Saturday will be
Parents who deserve to have their parenting license taken away....(Oh, I know...parents aren't required to HAVE a license...but we can dream.)
Starting with
Billy Ray Cyrus
For this little gem....
and subsequent quote:
Billy Ray Cyrus said, “It’s what people her age do.”

Really?  REALLY!?
My goodness, I had no idea!
So, venturing into my own 16 year old daughter's bedroom...I meekly inquired as to whether giving lap dances or in more updated venacular...doing the bump and grind on a 44 year old man's lap was just something your average 16 year old girl does these days, My daughter responded "WHAT!?"
"What is wrong with you?"
Then she told me she was busy...and kicked me out.

Maybe what Billy meant to say was, "It's what people her age do when the parents abdicate their parental authority in exchange for their daughter earning enough money to keep the parental units in the style to which they've become accustomed"...
or some such thing.
Who knows.

Parents who need to be stripped of their parenting license...
Number 2:

What do you do when your daughter is a raging alcoholic and drug abuser...
Get her help maybe?
Gah....YOU'RE a drag.
What fun would THAT be...
No, if you are Dina Lohan you take your daughter here

Why risk being a drag and a downer....
She's the 'fun' mom.

And last, but certainly not least...
A whole gaggle of idiots.

Number 3:
Why wait till 16 to prematurely sexualize your daughter when You can start at 7 ?
Good question.

Nothing shouts good taste like seven years olds in stripper boots and bikinis.
I would be more impressed with their dancing if visions of stripper poles weren't dancing in my head...

As Chris Rock once said:
(caution, strong language in the link)
"Sometimes I am walking with my daughter, I'm talking to my daughter, I'm looking at her, I'm pushing her in the stroller. And sometimes I pick her up and I just stare at her and I realize my only job in life is to keep her off the pole.
"Keep my baby off the pole!
"I mean they don't grade fathers but if your daughter is a stripper you f*&$#@ up."

I agree.

Today was my dieting and exercise vacay.
I eat 1800 calories on Saturdays.  I also do no exercise except what I do with my kids.
Today I spent at my house cleaning and relaxing.
Wednesdays will be 1600 calorie days and the rest will be between 1400-1500.
I won't have splurge days anymore because I don't think they were promoting a better attitude towards food.
I need to develop a new relationship with food and stop 'rewarding' myself once a month.
Eating a bit more on Saturdays from now until I reach my goal will be enough.
If I want a treat, working it into my normal weekly eating will have to be the new norm.
I will see how the calorie count works. If I have to up it after a while to stop losing I will.
There are still days where I won't be counting...Thanksgiving, Christmas eve.
But they will be few and far between. Mostly I am trying to learn balance and how to eat healthy amounts, healthy portions.
This is the beginnings of my maintenance mode. No, I am not at goal..but as I get closer I want to be more in line with HOW I am going to eat for the rest of my life.
Well, this post is long enough.
Have a great Saturday night.
I am off to fold laundry.

Reclaiming an unknown life...

I am 157 lbs in the mornings, 158 at night.
That's great right?
You would think so.
A few days ago...
I started getting frightened.
I don't really know how to be a "thin" person.
Oh, I have been 138 lbs before, but I wasn't intentional about it.
I had a fat mind in a thin body.
I don't know what I look like at my natural weight.
I know who I am when I am fat.
Right now,
I don't really know who I am.
I am finding out.
So much of our lives are defined by how we look and by other people's expectations.
I think many times We become who we are expected to be.
We never stop to ask who we are.
We just go along and go along.
Then one day we look up and say
"Where the hell am I, and how did I get here!"
I knew for years what I DIDN'T want.
All my life, I have made choices based not on moving towards something..but on moving away from something.

I DIDN'T want to be married multiple times.
I DIDN'T want a lazy husband.
I DIDN'T want to be 'stuck' in a small town and not see the world.
So I made choices ( or reacted) to ensure those things didn't happen.
I made 'moving away' choices.
Not moving toward choices.
The thing is, when You are making choices based on things you don't want to happen...you aren't really creating outcomes you want....yes, you have an outcome.
But nothing you had a hand in, nothing you could mold.
They are reactions, not choices.
I didn't want to be stuck in a small town.
But, I didn't work towards something, like college or getting better grades.
I waited till the last minute and then joined the army in reaction to the idea that I would be stuck.
I wasn't stuck in a small town, but the outcome wasn't thought out at all.
When I started losing weight, it was because I didn't want to be fat.
Somewhere along the way it transitioned to wanting to be healthy.
From moving away to moving toward.
These seem like small distinctions, but they aren't...it's a huge shift in momentum...
Like I learned in my self defense class, you can go faster forward than you can backward...
you can also see where you are going when you are moving forward, or towards something.
Not simple backing away from something.
 Now I have all these ideas in my head of things I want to try, and things I want to do.
I need to make sure that I am not reacting, but acting.
The thing is, the weight was an excuse not to live.
Because it was easier to blame an "other",
than it was to face the fact that I simply didn't know WHAT I WANTED.
So, instead of looking and doing, I excused and delayed.
It is easy to allow our weight ,
Or our obligations,
or our infirmities,
or our childhoods,
or our mistakes...to be our excuses.
You see, once I started saying yes to getting healthy...I started developing preferences.
It happens.
Then what?
What if  you state your preference and make someone angry?
This whole 'change your life' thing is pretty scary.
If it gets to be too much, you start to want to move away from so much change.
Mostly, cause it's not just you.
Not if you are married and have kids.
For years, the expectation of who I 'should' be, kept me from being WHO I AM.
What do I mean?
Here is an example or two:

I don't LIKE to crochet.
But I did it for a year or two cause I thought it was a 'homey' thing to do.
And fat women...if we can't be pretty...or sexy.. or dynamic..well, we can be homey.
I decorated my house in a very 'country' fashion for years.
This was how I assumed a homey home (a "real" home) should look.
My first couch I bought was the couchiest couch in the history of couches.
You couldn't get any more couch like.
It was blue, with little wooden arms and wooden feet..buttons on the back and a ruffle around the bottom. Very midwestern country like.
I had no real opinion of that couch
It was what I grew up with.
It's what I expected when I looked at a couch.
I neither liked nor disliked it.
I still remember the first time I saw a couch I loved.
It was cream colored leather and very modern.
It too had buttons...big ones.
The legs were metal.
I thought.
I can't like that couch.
It isn't me.
But me as defined by who, or whom?
I was taught to disregard my likes and dislikes from an early age.
It didn't matter If I liked the food on my plate.
I was to eat it anyway.
It never occurred to me that I had the right to my own likes or dislikes.
I was never asked, only told.
So I never formed any likes or dislikes, I felt it was outside of my control.
I felt powerless, up till a few years ago.
The only thing I really knew I liked  to do was read and draw. I liked to draw because it kept me calm and focused.
It also allowed me my only form of expression. (As a result, I did develop definite ideas about self expression and every human beings innate right to do so)
I liked to read because I wanted to travel..   

I have had to make a lot of things up out of whole cloth.
I didn't know what a normal family looked like or how it operated.
I didn't come from a 'normal' home.
I did know that alot of what I went through was NOT what I wanted for my children.
Don't get me wrong, I got a lot of things that you can't buy from my mom.
I learned the meaning of hard work...persistence and a no quit, no whine attitude.
These things have been INVALUABLE.
But again, I was taught for the most part...what I didn't want.
To fill in that void, I had to look for alternative sources of inspiration.
So now we come down to creating a life for me.
I know what qualities I want....But I have never owned them.
I know what it is to feel happy.
I also know that happiness is a choice, as is optimism.
Faith is a choice
Being well read is a choice.
Generosity, patience, cicumspection, it's all a choice.
It's a deliberate choice.
It's who I choose to be.
There really is no reason to wait.
I can do it now.
Not perfectly, but what in life is perfect.
All this time, it had nothing to do with being thin.
It had to do with wanting to be someone I can be proud of.
And  I had to have enough faith that I could accomplish it.
That I was capable.
I guess what I am saying is that I am trying to reclaim a life I have never had, and a person that has never existed except as potential.
A person and a life I have never seen modeled.
But a life and a person I know CAN exist.
If that makes any sense.
That is what this last year has taught me.
I can.
It's all a choice.
Went to the gym..walked a mile, jogged a mile.
Did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 20 on the stairmaster (my new favorite machine)
Then I did 200 situps.
Oh, and I got a tattoo on Wednesday...That I will tell you all about tomorrow.
Have a great night guys.


finding myself...warning...hippy type post ahead...

Hello all,
I am writing to say I won't be writing till friday.
I have been having that inner prompting towards self examination again...
Maybe it's because I weigh in at around 158-159 in the mornings now.
I have about 20 some odd pounds to go before hitting goal...and something has been on my mind.
My soul.
It's great to lose weight.
I feel like a new woman.
I like wearing new sexier clothing.
But I have been thinking now about who I want to be.
Not just an image I project...
But who I am all the way through.
Like an oak tree (That's for you barbra walters)
I want what people see on the outside to match my insides.
And my insides to match my outsides.
So, for the longest time when I was fat, I was trying to be what I thought everyone wanted.
Then I went through a period of saying to h*ll with everything, I am going to get healthy.
(Let's just say certain aspects of home life have suffered...bill paying, house cleaning etc.)
I haven't been to church in a really long time.
Balance and me....He gave a sideways glance about a month back....
I saw him in passing..he said "Where've you been?"
I said "Oh, around"
He said "we ought to get together sometime."
I said "I'll have to get back to you on that....I gotta get to the gym.'
So this morning I sat down and wrote out what kind of person I want to be...
To be honest, I actually initially wrote:
How do I want others to view me...
Then I realized that it didn't  REALLY matter how others viewed me...
that If I lived my life with integrity (moral soundness, the quality or state of being uninpaired)
That when People looked at me...and if I lived what I said and said what I lived...people would view what they viewed...and that would be enough.
So really, this has to do with who I want to BE.
So, I wrote it down.
I want to be Ethical, Truthful, Hardworking, Well informed and widely read, balanced,  generous in spirit, compassionate, reasoned, circumspect (this is a big one...it means attentive to the consequences of ones behavior, prudent and discreet...sometimes I have a  mouth like a mini gun) Patient, and a person of Optimism and faith.
Well, that's a load.
I have very.far.to.go.
There are ways to obtain many of these qualities...I have been working on being ethical, truthful and well reasoned as well as my optimism. Faiith has been put on the back burner for a for a while.
I am still working on balance, compassion and generosity.
Starting at less than 20 percent complete would be  circumspection, patience and being well informed and widely read.  I don't know alot about alot of things..
I would like to read more.
Patience...um, 30 seconds is my limit.
And circumspection...sometimes I think I am being funny when I am just being rude...I step on people's toes, I dive in too quick with comments when I am really talking out of my *ss.
I want to be one of those people in the back of the room that doesn't give an opinion until every side is heard, all thoughts are expressed and everyone else has added their two cents and then they ask me....I don't want to be a big mouthed know it all... I know I can come off like that.
I think my enthusiasm gets in the way of wisdom.
That can be lethal.
So, I am going to try to structure my life a bit differently.
I think three days a week is enough at the gym.
The other three days a week I can do here at home.
I need to get my lifting in...that isn't really an option....
6 days a week of cardio isn't an option either.
I am doing it.
But I really need to decided where to put my energy and in what amounts.
I want to get back to church.
I want to spend time (more time) with my family.
I want to honor my commitment as a girl scout troop leader.
So, I will be back on Friday....
I will talk to you all then.
Chris out.


I am invisible....

um, not really.
I was today though.
I went and enrolled my youngest in a one day per week homeschool enrichment course.
I talked about this before....I stated I was the fattest mom there.
I was.
So, I took Sophie to enroll her.
We walk in and Mrs. Padilla was all "Hey sophie, are you coming back this year."
"Sophie says "YEah!...can we have a tour."
(Now I am sitting about four feet away filling out the paperwork...)
For some reason I didn't want to call attention to myself.
I just sat there.
She looks around, she glances at me, glances over me...
and then turns to Sophie and says "Tell your mom when I am done, I will give you a tour."

She didn't even recognize me.
That was crazy.
I "know" I look different.
But it makes me wonder if the store clerks even know who I am.
Heck, the Jehovah's witness guy who sees me once a month didn't recognize me.
I have a new driver's license, and if I can figure out how to scan it to my computer...I will upload it to show you guys.
I like my picture.
I showed it to my husband and my kids.
I look nice, not fat...just normal.

This afternoon, on my LAW, I had an imaginary conversation with my brother in law.
He stated to my husband on the phone, that he wishes he had my willpower.
He is definately 100 pounds or more overweight.
It affects him.  It bothers him.
I will never forget him breaking a chair and the look on his face.
It could have just as easily been me..
So the "no willpower' comment...
That bothered me.

The truth is, I don't rely on willpower.
It works for a day or two.
But I realized early on that I needed a strategy.
A game plan.

I had this whole conversation with him.
I was telling him that to start with, I didn't rely on willpower.
I gave myself enough calories starting that I felt decently full every night.
That it had to be something you could live with...
That he had to accept that it may take years.
(When I started I had 3 years as my time frame)
When you look at it as a long term deal, it takes the impatience away.
I told him That he has to erase the bad tape and replace it.
I had him walking and eating 2000 calories in my head before the end of my walk.

But you know, I have no idea if he will even ask me how....or why.
I just know that if he does...I want to be ready.
So I am going to start writing things down so I can clarify what I believe.
There are some things I can give him...
the Reverse it poem Jack wrote.
Sean's blog addy.
I may even buy him a digital scale.
But the want to...it has to come from him.
I can't give that to him.
I don't know if my way would work for him.
I do know some things are universal...
You can't be hungry all the time.
You can't feel deprived all the time.
And you can't use food to numb your feelings anymore.
You should exercise, it makes you feel better.
And you have to look and live long term.
Maybe I can yidder most of this at him before he tunes me out. lol.
Well, that's about all.
1450 cals. and a 5.6 mile walk.
NOt bad today.
Chris out.


Mother's Day

Hey everyone.
I hope you had a good day. I had a good day.
I am not much for celebrating holidays.
Heck, one Year I forgot it was my birthday until my mom called to wish me "Happy Birthday".
Christmas snuck up on me last year.
I went Christmas shopping about four days out.
I try to live every day in an aware fashion.
So, to me.. every day is mother's day.
I may not always feel it right at the moment, but I am always aware of how lucky I am to have my two kids.
I know this is supposed to be a day where they thank me and what not.
It is very sweet to get cards and gifts.
In fact, for our last girl scout meeting I had the kids make Mother's day cards and necklaces.
So, When sophie gave me hers it was no great surprise.
What was fun to read was
"You are a great mom and very nice, Thank you for being my Girl scout troop leader....Your mom raised you right."
I said 'thank you, I will tell my mom"....lol.
In reality.
I cannot imagine life without my kids.
I had my oldest when I was 19.
I know many think that is too young to marry, let alone have children.
In my opinion...I think part of the problem in Today's society is perpetual childhood.
Where people never reach adulthood.
They think they are living the high life...free of responsibility.
But they are missing so much.
Not only are they free of responsibility, they are free from being connected to others....in a meaningful way.
It doesn't have to be marriage and children.
But unless you really go all in, you make a commitment to another person...I think you are always going to be missing the  biggest part of human experience.
Real love.
Not sex.
Not romance.
Nitty gritty booger wiping love.
I think mother's day really stands for a commitment to something or somebody.
Placing the needs and desires of somebody ahead of yourself.
In doing so, you grow as a person.
So on Mother's day, I want to Thank my children for making me a better, more compassionate human being.
For allowing me to see the world in a new way.
Making my life mean something bigger.
In an optimistic, idealistic way.
In a way, for letting me correct my childhood by giving them the one I didn't have.
Watching them become good people is the only gift I need.
It's a gift I receive daily.
So, Happy Mother's Day.


Pie....chocolate that is...

So...I have been craving Chocolate silk pie. And by craving I mean I had a dream where I ate a piece.
I have never eaten a piece of chocolate silk pie in my life.
But I have eaten chocolate, and I have worn silk.
I don't even know where I picked up the name.
But I typed it in and found out that the village inn has chocolate silk pie.
So, with full preplanning and forethought (three days of it)
I drove to the village inn, and picked up a pie.
I Watched my calories today.
And had a piece for part of my dinner.
It was as good as it sounds.
It was 300 calories.
Which neccessitated a 4 mile walk on my day of rest.
No way I was letting this piece of pie sit on my rear.
So, calories balanced for the day.
Chocolate silk pie...
pretty frippin fantastic.

Other than that I have a minor nsv.
I have a pair of heels that are a wedge type heel..about three inches or so..almost four.
I bought them at my heaviest and was never able to wear them for more than 20 minutes without it absolutely killing my feet.
Today I wore them to the Big R, Walmart and pumping gas...about 3 hours.
At the end it felt the same as at the beginning. They didin't hurt at all.
I may be able to wear heels now with no problem.
Probably ought to buy a pair. ( oh that's right...I was going to last night....gotta look as Hot as scojo)
Well, gonna keep it short.
have a great saturday everyone.


Uh oh...I'm Bored....and irritated... let's break out the snark .

okay, It's one of those days.
And on "One of Those days'.
Things irritate me.
Silly things.
Things like this article...

How to Dress Sexy: a Style Guide Inspired by the Blazing-Hot Scarlett Johansson

 So, I thought...(using the advice given)

I would give some grand examples of how to be HOT  like Scarlett Johansson.

Because to be HOT like Scarlett Johansson, apparently...all you need is the following:

1.) Wear a little lace...cause guys LURV lingerie...









 But much like this lady, keep it "classy'....


2.)  Try some playful prints...Now with this one...it says wearing playful prints shows a 'sense of humor'...why mess around? Not I.

Why settle for merely playful when You can have a dress you can PLAY WITH?!

How hot is that??? 


In fact, it's probably stifling.

3.) Borrow from the boys....

Well girls...you don't have to go 'frilly all the time'....to be hot like Scarlett you just need to Borrow a little something from the boys, Like a suit jacket and as long as your wear some "Don't mess with me heels' with it...you will 


And trust me, nothing says don't mess with me like these heels.

4.) Invest in a pair of 'Sassy heels"

Because 'Bright, Look at me heels can turn even the most boring outfits into 'Datenight Material'


I think, girls...that we can all agree that these heels speak for themselves.

5.) Channel your inner marilyn....
Yes Divorce is a drag, but to be desirable, you need to have some cache...and multiple marriages just scream "Wanted, but hard to hold on to."
But you do what you must to be sexy...even if it means the last month's of your life are spent in a drug induced haze...It gives your eyes that 'hazy look' that men love, the look that says "My expectations are in the basement, and I won't remember a thing in the morning"...

6.)  Sex up a "lady like" dress with a 'casual up do'...like this here:

Nothing says 'sexy' like that "Just got out of bed after spending a night in a crack den" look...

7.) Flirt with animal prints....

Not the animals.
8.) Last, but certainly Not least...
(*Now 9 was supposed to be the last one...but honestly..DON'T HOG THE SPOTLIGHT...
How dumb is that advice...uh, VERY.)

NOW number 8...
Wear RED.
The color...totally hot.
Red lips...bedroom eyes...It will keep all.eyes.on.you...

Again...I turn to the inimitable Courtney love...
Cause Nothing and I mean NOTHING says HOT like red lips.

There, Now you...through the power of one magazine article and it's stellar advice, You too can channel the hotness that is Scarlett
Your welcome.

Well, I went to the gym and did fifty minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the stair master...
Then I did 200 sit ups.
My calories are in under 1500...
I am now in search of some lace and some sexy heels.
Have a good one guys..
Chris out.



Hey all,
Had a really good day again today.
I am feeling better.
I did a walk yesterday so my workout 'schedule' was kind of thrown off.
So I am on the elliptical and it is HOT IN THE GYM.
I was kind of blah with it so I only did thirty minutes.
I decided to go out to the track and do a one mile walk, one mile barefoot jog.
Then I came in and at that point was feeling a wee bit queezy so thought I would skip the situps for today and do them tomorrow and instead do weight lifting.
Which I did.
None of this pertains to the title.

I went to my oldest daughter's high school assembly today for awards.
She's a sophomore.
I rarely if ever recieved end of year awards in high school
When I did they were ALWAYS  from my art teacher.
Kate's award this year was an academic letter.
I never knew they had these things.
I knew about sports letters and the like...but a letter for academics...
I wholly approve.
She not only got one but she also got a bar for keeping a gpa of 3.7 or higher for four consecutive semesters.
In reality her gpa is a 4.3.
She has honors courses...
Next year she has AP classes.

She told me on the way home that the award didn't mean much to her, because she wasn't doing it for an award.
She was doing it for her dream job.
To be a doctor of zoology.
I told  her I liked that because that meant she had a drive and motivation that was internal..not external. 
I also told her that whether she liked it or not, I was getting her a letter Jacket.
She didnt have to wear it, but that someday it might mean more to her than it currently does.
I also told her I was proud of her.
And I am.
Well, I hope you all have a great day!
Tomorrow it's back to the gym for elliptical and situps.
I can't wait to get those insanity workouts from my little brother to really start switching things up, ON the upside...I am still 159 lbs, so that stomach flu really kicked things off nicely, lol.
Hope everyone is doing well.