Let's all calm down...

Hey all,
eating was good..still too many calories. but that was a choice.
Not too many calories for weight loss at my weight.
Too many for FAST weigh loss.
I ate 1745 calories today and did 50 minutes on the elliptical...burned 600 calories.
did upper body weights, and then walked a half mile.
I haven't weighed.
I feel very normal.
I feel like I could definitely live life this way, it doesn't feel weird, it feels normal.
I still had thoughts about how I would like pizza or some burgers, but realized that from where I was sitting so late in the day, that would be a choice that would put me behind my goals, not ahead.
I will be doing this balancing act for the rest of my life.
So now to the title of my blog.
Now, I don't agree with most of President Obama's policies...but some of the hysteria surrounding him has gotten out of hand.
My oldest daughter comes home from school ( she is a junior at a charter school)
and tells me her history teacher (HER HISTORY TEACHER NO LESS!!!!)
told her that barack obama was sworn in on Thomas Jefferson's Koran.
(I have no idea whether Thomas Jefferson ever had a Koran...?)
My husband said "YEP." (remind me to smack him later)
I told them they were insane.
Then I took them to the computer and showed them that Barack Obama had been sworn in on LINCOLN'S BIBLE.
There is enough to disagree with the dude about, lets not get all tin foil hatty up in here.
We talk politics in our family and my little one said; "I hate barack obama.
I say..."We don't hate anyone..."
"We disagree with policies, we disagree with decision making....we don't hate the person."
So now when we talk about politics she says "I don't like Barack obama's decisions."
much better.
We all need to calm down.
Just because people have differing ideas, it doesn't make them bad...or evil.
It makes them people with differing ideas.
Attack the idea, not the person.
Argue your point of view, don't demonize other's points of view.
Don't be hysterical, be informed...and vote.
That is my thought for the day.

Robin...I got your video.
I don't need to be a nun to do something important.
I know.
You never know who you are Raising.
Or where your talents will take you.
My fog is starting to clear.
It has become apparent that september may be a bad month for me and something (now that I actually noticed it) that I will have to keep an eye on it.

Have a great night guys,
I will see you all tomorrow.


old friends.

Hey all,
Hope it is going well with you.
Things are good here.
I took today off to clean the house and get ready to have an old friend of my husbands over for dinner.
We knew him from a long time ago. Nearly 20 years or more.
It was a nice visit.
But I am a little tired.
It's late and I have to get my daughter up early to go to a student conference on nuclear proliferation.
No, I am not kidding.
It's something she wanted to do.
I don't think I wanted to go to a conference on nuclear proliferation at 16.
But then again, I didn't want to be a doctor of zoology, learn russian or a myriad of other things as well.
I am impressed daily at how much of her own person she has become.
I hope you all are doing well.
I will be back tomorrow with a decent post.
Have a great night.


ninja trigger.....tripping triggers you don't see coming.

Hey all,
This last month has been crappy with a capital C...not in the moving forward department, which has been great. In the mental department.
This happened last september as well. And probably the september before that, but I was too busy stuffing my face to notice then.
So, I looked back a year. I put my scale away last september as well..
I struggled last september as well.
I felt discombobulated last september.
I miscarried in 2005 at the end of august into september.
It took two weeks.
I remember when I miscarried because it was during the same time frame as hurricane katrina.
I remember laying on the couch with my feet up watching people on their roofs.
How am I connecting this?
well, today was a sure clue.
I had little triggers all day.
Today I talked with an old old friend.
We talked about how old my children are and how she helped me through my first year as a mother.

I went with my husband to a store..while we were standing there a little girl goes by...she was so cute...her mom saying 'hurry up' and she saying "I hurry mama.."
Then we went and picked our oldest up from high school and her science teacher was standing by the road, pregnant.
Now up to this point I was noticing these things but not connecting anything, not really feeling anything except that my kids are getting older and how nice it must be to have a small child.
I go to the gym.
The last place in the world there should be an issue with this.
I go in and do my workout.
I do 45 minutes on the elliptical and then I do my weight lifting...and decide to go outside to walk for a half a mile because I feel tense for no good reason.
I mean my shoulders are really, really tight.

So I walk a half mile. I sit down on a bench beside the track and watch some guys playing flag football.
It felt so good to sit and not think..that I contemplated staying there till my husband got worried and came to find me.
Then I hear a little boy laughing.
I look to my left.
I see a little boy, maybe two, laughing and running in circles.
First thought.
I will never have another child.
And I start crying.
And I couldn't stop.
I had to go shopping for food after the gym.
I will be honest and say that I wanted to buy every piece of crap food I came across and actually resorted to saying out loud...'food will not cure this'.
I had people looking at me funny...but I didn't care.
I round the corner and whap.
There is a guy with a bible...no, I am not kidding, right in the middle of the commissary.
I walk right up to him and say
"what are you reading?"
he says "the psalms'
I say
"which one..read it to me."
He looks at me like he is a wee bit concerned..
He says "It's psalm 91."
Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
He read it to me.
Then asked me what was wrong and i told him that I had spent years in the sin of gluttony...and now I had reached a point in life where another child was not really probable.
He told me he would pray for me.
This young man couldn't have been more than 18 or 19.
I do believe in God. A personal one.
I fought my way through that with God's help.
sometimes you have a trigger that you are too close to see.
Not all my triggers are from my childhood.
If you are antsy and edgy....you may want to look for patterns.
My blog is invaluable that way.
Have a great night guys.


What you take into your hands....

What you take into your hands, you take into your heart...

It's a quote from the movie witness. I heard it years ago and it stuck in my head.
It's the part where john booker has grabbed a gun...(he is living amongst the amish)
And an old amish man is admonishing him for resorting to violence.
It struck me at the time. I thought it was bs.

But then I thought more about it, the more I realized that it is correct.
What we touch. What we think about. What we focus on.
We become.

If we are focused on only our own self interest..
We become self absorbed.
If we focus only on money.
We become greedy.
If we focus on food.
we get fat.
If we focus on the wrongs done us.
We get bitter.
If we focus on our own shortcomings..
and on how unfair things seem.
Or on other's success
We become jealous and bitter.
If we focus on what we lack.
We become stingy with our time, love and material possessions.

If we focus on self acceptance
we start accepting others.
If we focus on our own strengths
we see the strength in others.
If we focus on what we have...
We are thankful and able to give.
If we see our success through God's eyes.
We will be able to revel in the success of others.

Every day we wake up with a new opportunity to do things right.
To focus on the good in ourselves and others.

Today I ate 1700 calories walked 3 miles and did a half hour of lower body toning (including situps and leg lifts and calf raises).
I read three chapters of proverbs and drew a rose which I will post tomorrow.
Have a great night everyone.
I know I will.


what is a waste of time?

Hello all,
not sure I want to touch that one with a ten foot pole.
today was not a good day mentally.

When you start thinking in circles it is time to not think.
money, crap, housework..money, crap, housework.
Call my mom...think about how often I see her vs. how often I don't.
Think of my friends and how few I really have (not counting you guys)
I mean, short of hunting friends down....how do you go about finding them..take out an ad in the yellow pages.
Then I f I had more than one or two, what would I do with them...it's not like I have time NOW.
I didn't draw last night because I ended up doing laundry.
I still have to write out my week at homeschool but am on here instead blabbing.
It's like I have too much to do and not enough to do.
too much bs. Not enough crap that means something.

I went to church today and I guess I can just blame this whole mind melt on the preacher.
I want to pull a mother theresa. But I have laundry to do.
He's all..
And what does it profit a man if he gains the WHOLE WORLD and loses his soul.
I feel like most of me wants to live there all the time.
I wish sometimes that I had become a nun.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love my husband.
It just seems like it would be easier to really understand where God is coming from if all you did was talk to him and wait to hear from him.
I get five minutes in a closet before I hear screaming from the other room.
And don't I know that God is talking to me through my children..I get that.
I am learning about the nature of God all the time through my family...I just feel like I can't ever get caught up with what I am supposed to know because I never have time to sit down and let it SINK IN.
I am missing 'quiet time'.
I am lucky to get exercise time.
Drawing time is limited.
Thinking time?
I think this is the precursor to dumb jock syndrome.
there are so many hours in a day.

Let me just stop and say something right here.
losing weight and Getting to the point where you are no longer ridiculed is awesome.
If you are single, it's great.
Men notice you...they laugh, they flirt etc.
If you are married it is nice at first.
Hey...you know if something were to happen you are still in the game.
But after a while
who cares.
It beats the doors in your face, but I am happily married.
I don't care if fartsy mcfartsalot likes me.
I got a husband.
So It's down to feeling healthy and finding balance.
I don't need or want to put in the kind of time getting jillian micheal's body is going to take.
Which would be two hours a day minimum.
maybe some have that kind of time.
I don't.
One hour six days a week.
That is the time i am willing to put in.
1500 to 1600 a day in calories.
That is what i am willing to eat most days.
On special occasions I will eat more...probably no counting on turkey day and on christmas...on my birthday and a few other special occasions.
But that's it.
learning how to live within those boundaries is where I need to be.
Getting much closer to God...Necessary.
Doing my art...necessary
Just got to find the time.
Have a great night guys.


Quick Post-mental, spiritual, physical and Jack lalanne

love this, watch this. Just turn off the music to the right.

My thought for today...
always follow through. It takes less time to do it right the first time.

read the first chapter in Luke.
Didn't realize it names Gabriel as the angel who visits mary in that one.
Pretty cool.
I am posting early so I can draw later.

walked 4.2 miles and have eaten 1130 calories.
No butter today, No white flour and once big ole cup of coffee...have at least one serving of veggies in me and am going to get two more and some roasted chicken for dinner.

Have a great night guys.


Day 1- Got a ways to go...

Hello all,
well, this is the first day of the new format.
first up

My one thought for the day...
Today is all I can control.
I am currently cohabitating with Tom, so the cravings for white flour and sugar et al...
unusually intense.
I started counting ahead in my mind.
If I have a 500 calorie deficit then by october blah blah blah I will be such and thus.
I had to put the kibosh on that crazy right out the gate.
I can only control today.

I haven't read the bible yet.
I will tonight before bed. I can only find my 'message' bible.
It's a kind of dumbed down version with street type language, I have no idea why I bought it.
I like my New king james...but if I can't scrounge that up, It will be my king james period.
I am going to start in Luke...I never read luke. I always start in matthew...I must have read matthew a dozen times. I don't like the gospels in new age slang. It irritates me.

I will be drawing some tomorrow. (For those that guessed art would be under spiritual ding ding ding.) lol.
speaking of spiritual.
If any of you are the praying for people you don't know sort I wish you would swing by here...Their little boy sam died.
These poor folks lost their little boy to a mitochondrial disorder.
I got sucked into this world a year or so ago when I ran into this guy, who is still fighting....
I don't know anyone personally who has this. But I have been following Noah so long I feel like I do.

I went to the gym and had a fantastic workout.
150 situps and stretching
5 minutes recumbent bike warm up
30 minutes elliptical
2 mile walk.
600 calorie burn
food is the category that I have a ways to go in.
I ate yogurt with honey for breakfast 300 cal
veggies soup for lunch 280 cal.
3 small granola bars with 2 tablespoons of butter (will get to this in a minute) 570
three jumbo eggs and a piece of toast with for dinner 390 cal.
1 cuppa coffee. 120
total calories 1660

To say I craved fat today would be an understatement.
I weigh about 150.
I burned 600 calories.
calorie def is sitting at around 440 calories.
I didn't have white bread or white flour.
gotta nix the butter.
so I got a ways to go with the food...that and I need more veggies.
lots more.
Guess I will put that where the butter used to be...
I know, granola and broccoli sandwiches.
I also need to go grocery shopping which I will do tomorrow, yeah!
have a great night guys,


Welcome to Chrisbodia...DAY 1 Year 0

Well, enough with the resting on my laurels.
I have been very happy with my 110 lb loss..
wearing pretty clothes....
doing the hair....
getting happy with the makeup...
reintroducing hobbies...
That's fantabulous.

I need to recapture some of that desperate focus I had early in my journey.
The same focus Allen has with his journey.
It may be normal for some of that sense of urgency to leave once you hit near normal...but it wreaks havoc with forward momentum.
So to better keep my goal in mind I have posted some pictures all over the house to remind myself that though I am better, I am not there yet.

I put the above photo next to my bed...Jillian is 5'2 and 120 lbs.
I am 5'4 and want to be 132 lbs. I won't look 'just' like that..but will be decently close so It's a good facsimile

I am going to start doing my posts in segments...mental, spiritual, physical.
I will be blogging once per day.

This should help keep me focused.
I am going to give myself some limits and goals for the next little while, till I get to goal.
I am going to drink at least 12 cups a day.
No white flour products....to include noodles.
no crackers.
No buns.
nothing but la tortilla wraps and whole grain bread.
I looked at my stats and at least 2 people have found my blog looking for the wraps.
So I say again.
la tortilla factory wraps... Use them.
They are awesome.
One cup of coffee.
This pains me.
I am using way too many calories on coffee.
I need food, not coffee.

Three servings of veggies and low glycemic fruits.
That means apples, not bananas.
No popcorn
*yes, that is the sound of weeping.

These are all things that cause horrendous cravings.

Stay focused. Don't allow excuses to creep in.
Things like...'you did great this week, you look good...have a little party in your mouth Chris'
I want to build on momentum, not use it as an excuse to coast.

Practice open handed giving.
Giving while getting nothing in return.
Reading the bible daily.
And letting go of irritation when life gets in the way of my plans.
(Or some idiot driver gets in the way of my left turn.)
Those will be my goals for the next five weeks.

I will try to give specifics as I go on...
About how I am doing with these items.

For those who are interested in the mental it will be first up.
The second part will be spiritual
The third will be what exercise and what food I ate that day.

If I want to reach my goal of 132 lbs this decade I am going to need to kick this thing into gear.
hold one...this decade ends on December 31rst, doesn't it...hmmmm.

I am not doing any sort of guaranteed weight loss by this date thingy.
I don't believe in that.
That is a recipe for failure.
But I will have made significant progress by December 31rst.
Because I am going to go back to the basics.
Back to exercise, calorie counting and clean eating.
It's Day one, Year Zero every day here in Chrisbodia.
Yesterday doesn't count...Tomorrow isn't promised.
Today is all I have.
Have a good one guys.


The power of focus...turning weakness into strength.

Hey all,
Well, I took a walk today and ate well. Higher than my usual number of cals.
Tomorrow it's back to writing it all down. I came in at 1700.
With my 4 mile walk that is maintenance for a 130 lb woman..so not too bad.
But I would like to knock about 200 calories off that total.
To do that, writing down every last thing I eat helps me to....


The power of focus,or the intense concentration on an object or goal...
It is critical when you reach this stage of the game.

I feel fantastic.
I am not tired.
I feel pretty.
I am pursuing my goals and my hobbies.
I am enjoying my family.
Before I had the constant pain and humiliation to motivate me...
Not a whole lot is missing in this equation.
But I am still technically overweight.
You may wonder why I still want to get to goal if I feel so good.

To say I did it.
I want to finish it.
So, now I need to focus.
On the numbers-daily...not the scale until I am sure I am past a certain point.
I have a pair of size 6 goal pants hanging on the wall.
When I can put them on and zip them up without damaging internal organs,
then I will weigh.

I have always had good focus when I set out to achieve something.
Better than average actually.
I will tell you why.
When I was 5 my mom took me to the doctor because I was exhibiting funny symptoms.
I would sometimes space out.
I would get 'overexcited' and then stand in the middle of the room and rock and wiggle my hands.
When I would get like that, nobody could get through to me.
So, she took me to a doctor who told her I was autistic...mildly autistic.
She thought he was calling me retarded.
That didn't go over well.
She told him I was reading at four and whatnot and we left that office in a huff.
or at least she did.
I don't remember it.
I do remember going into trances.
In my trances I was putting the Eiffel tower together in my head..each beam, each bolt.
It helped me feel comforted.
I did it once in school in first grade.
I did it at a roller rink.
It used to embarrass me.
People would ask "what are you doing!"
When I didn't know what I was doing.
Mrs. Shelander saved me.
She was my third grade teacher.
I used to draw all over my math pages...and after she gave my ear a good twist and made me promise not to do it again, She started setting aside some of class free time for me to draw.
She entered my art in a school "Reading is fundamental" poster contest...that I won.
I never spaced out when I drew.
The details helped me focus.
It was my chance to focus.
In my mind everything is equally relevant.
The fly buzzing around my head...the sun shining off the bumper of the car, the weed whacker across the street, the person who is talking to me.
The sound light bulbs make.

I focus sometimes by putting my hand up next to my eye and leaning..blocking out sound.
Or by watching a person's lips.
I have to have comfortable clothes.
sock seams drive me crazy etc.
My house is very quiet.
I structure my world in a way that helps me focus.
No tv. et al.

You know though, my extreme levels of perception help me sort through problems well.
I can pick out the missing piece...or the erroneous idea...
My biggest weakness had turned into my biggest strength.
Say your biggest weakness is impatience.
I would be willing to bet your biggest strength is jumping in and getting things done.
Biggest weakness...stubborn
biggest strength...persistence.
I could go on and on.
Think about your biggest weakness.
It no doubt makes your biggest strength possible.
Be appreciative of yourselves and your unique gifts.
I stopped my spells by focusing.
All those years of focus helped prepare me for my weight loss.
And now it is preparing me to do something with my art.
The haze preceding a spell is very similar to the haze you have just before a binge.
When you decide to let your mind slip.
So, if you want to keep your mind in the right place.
Print off pictures of bodies you would like...or maybe places you would want to go to...and tape them on the door of your kitchen cabinets....on the front of your fridge etc.
It will help you focus. Keep your goals front and center.
It will help you through rough spots.
Have a wonderful night guys,



Hey guys,
I went to barnes and nobles and drew tonight.
I managed a pretty decent pic in a little under an hour.
I was happy about that.
I finally realized how important art is to me.
I know that sounds silly, why wouldn't I know...
But honestly I put it aside so long it just kind of faded from memory.
I was talking to someone not too long ago who I knew from a ways back..
When I was about 20 and he was 6.
I used to buy him crayons and coloring books, he was my friends little boy.
He is in Art school and says he remembers me showing him how to draw...not only that he still had one of my old art pads with my doodles and color theory in it..
I couldn't believe it.
I told him that I had stopped drawing because I wanted to put my family first, but had recently started again.
That somewhere along the way I had kind of gotten lost.
He said'
"I could have told you that, you were always happiest when you were drawing."
And I was.
And I inspired him to be an artist.
That makes me very happy.

For now Just wanted to say Hi and give my blog a new look.
Will be back with a bigger and better post tomorrow.
Have a great night guys,
do what you love.


moving past fear or learning to live with it.

Hey all,
How's it going.
I didn't get to draw yesterday...I spent my drawing time watching a pretty bad movie called legion..
and by bad I mean BAD..not baaaaaaaaaaaaddddd...in the slang sense.
It was truly awful..
The visuals were great however, and I got a few ideas from it which I will be working on this coming week.
So, that being said
I have fears.
I think we all do.
My number one fear is something happening to my children.
I love my kids.
I think most people who have kids do.
But I have 'abandonment issues' stemming from my ____________- *everyone say it with me
I let three people drive my kids.
my husband
my friend amber.
That's it.
I am not kidding.
If they go with anyone else I am in the car with them.
Like I am some kind of talisman.
Actually, It's just this...if something is going to happen I want it to happen to me too.
I don't know what that is.
But the idea that one of my kids gets hurt and I am not there..
I couldn't deal with that.
In much the same way that i got one of those beeper things on the back of my van, cause if I ever ran a kid over I would never be right in the head again.
Heck, one time I nearly ran over a Dog in NOrth Carolina..
I was so angry because it had a collar and these people were having a party in the front yard and the dog is off leash and runs out in front of my car.
I nearly hit it.
I got out of my car *I was 8 months pregnant and carried on till they promised they would tie the dog up.
A human being...I hope I get through this whole life never taking the life of someone else.
My youngest has a field trip with her homeschool enrichment class this coming Tuesday.
They are going on school buses nearly 25 miles away.
A school bus driven by a person of unknown character and drug usage habits.
I am going to volunteer to 'help out' and go along, ride with her as it were.
My youngest thinks it's great, she's homeschooled and so doesn't know that she is supposed to be embarrassed of me.
That being said, I did allow my oldest to go to Denver to an opera last year ALONE (she was 15) in a school van driven by one of her teachers.
But not before I gave her 10 dollars and tons of unwanted advice.
See, I can do this.

I am still going on this field trip.
I am also going to lose this weight.
I have stopped weighing for one very good reason.
Every time I weigh I panic.
because I am getting lower.
The fear is nearly oppressive. And much like every other time, the only way to get over it is to get lower, not have anything bad happen...and move past it..but I have to get there first.
I have 'issues stemming from my childhood' (from here on out and in all future posts I will simply refer to similar problems as i.s.f.m.c. , it saves time) regarding feeling vulnerable at a lighter weight.
So, I will just keep eating my correct number of calories and exercising and I will weigh in a month or two.
weighing makes me want to eat.
Not weighing is allowing me to lose.
So, no weigh ins.
I'll get skinny by counting calories...
So, That's all...
I will update the art portion of this blog on Tuesday because I really do have a neat idea for a shadow demon that I got from a combination of a facebook app and that trashtastic movie I watched last night. For now, hows about I share some of the fun? eh

Till then,
your weight blind blogger,


saturday inspiration for robin...

quick post....
I love this...
Never give up.


Accepting your gifts and honoring them...

Hey all,
Back at this blogging thing for the diet and the art.

I want to talk about taking yourself seriously.
I did in some things, but not all things.
Like, my job as a mom...I take very, very seriously.
There is, in my mind, no more important job.
You are molding people who have to go into the world and function.
I am hoping to raise them to function in a well balanced and happy manner.
I want them to have INNER drive.
I want them to be go getters, to dream dreams and make them happen.
Not just talk about them.
I want them to know that the universe is ordered.
That there is a God.
That they have an ultimate purpose.
This I take seriously.

For a long time I didn't take my health seriously.
I made jokes...I saw it (the fat) as a joke.
At least that is how I portrayed it to the outside world.
I would say things like
Know why I don't wear corduroy? I might start a fire.

Well, that' s enough of that.
I won't rehash them all.
In both cases...in my art and in my health I downplayed me.
I didn't want people to think I thought I was special.
Or talented.
When people would compliment me I would say;
'Anybody can draw'.
But as my oldest said the other day...
Not everyone can draw well.
And certainly, no one draws exactly like me.
I crapped all over my talent to fit in.
I tried to squash every last vestige of my style to be good in the 'correct' way.
What in the world am I talking about.

I worked for years to remove my accent as it were.
Much in the same way newscasters strive to get rid of regional accents and dialects.
I gave no weight to my own style, or point of view.
I wanted to be 'great' in an objective way.
I have never taken my art seriously, ever.'
In fact, when I posted my art yesterday....maybe the first three people saw some comments under the picture downplaying it and saying it was too colorful etc.
I couldn't just offer it up and let it lie there.
It's almost like a knee jerk reaction....
It's the same way I acted when I was fat.
I made fat jokes before anyone else could.
I have maybe 10 or 15 pieces of art that I have deemed 'good enough' to keep over the years.
The rest I threw away.
That angel would have hit the trash bin.
The only kind of art I have ever thought was art were realistic still lifes.
Realistic portraits.
My 'accent' is stylized.
If I have any sort of artistic talent, it would be as an illustrator.
But I never thought that was good enough.
I wanted to be good in the way picasso in his realistic phase was good.

that picture above was picasso in his realistic phase.

For the life of me, I couldn't understand why on earth he went from that to

Here is one realistic drawing that I kept...

I liked this one so much, because it was so 'realistic'.

After I drew this I didn't draw for nearly 13 years (not in any real way) and for the longest time I had no idea why.
I think I finally know why.
I got no joy in drawing it.
I had managed to squash my accent. my style.
In the process I removed all the joy from drawing.
I had lost all motivation to draw.
For me it was like taking a dump and wiping my rear.
It was a chore.
But I finally had gotten it 'right'.
Getting it right brought me no joy.
So, why bother?

I later came across this quote, it seemed to me that it partially explained his abandonment of realism and his embrace of different concepts.

Are we to paint what's on the face, what's inside the face, or what's behind it?
Pablo Picasso

Good question.
Did I merely want to portray the subject or the emotion in the moment.

Do I like, say, Andrew Wyeth because he was realistic, or do I like him for what the painting was saying underneath...or was it both?

Am I getting healthy for the image, for the way I look on the outside?
Or am I getting healthy to honor me and the life I have been given?
To live fully to my potential.
I have stopped trying to be something I am not- art wise.
I am correcting my false assumption that the weight is about how I look.
It's all about who I am.
Regardless of anyone or anything else.
If I were indeed, the. last. person. on. earth.
And no one were standing around judging....who would you be?

Then be that.
For you. For God.

Have a great night guys,


picture post....my angel is done...anime pics.

Click to enlarge

Know I wasn't going to post..but I finished it.

so on to the anime pics...just a few...

Sophie posing with two 'pokemon'...

Me in my confectioner outfit (actually it's a shuffle outfit) and my sophie....

Sophie found waldo....

from left to right..my oldest daughter Kate..beth...iron man (he made that outfit) and my sophie

It was fun...and I am so glad I started drawing again.
Have a great night guys.
went to the gym...ate well.
Good day all around.


What do I eat...well, let me tell you...plus art pics.(and loretta's art)

Hey guys.
You know, I went back to the gym today. Burned 700 calories on the elliptical.
I think I will just stick with the gym...laying off the gym puts me in a lazy frame of mind.
I will just treat it llike a part time job. lol.

So I have been doing the rounds on the blogs.
I pick up so much from other people's blogs.
the graham cracker and whipped cream person..
you know, take a graham cracker...and some light whipped cream and stick it in the freezer and it's like an ice cream sandwhich except without all the calories..

try it guys. It's awesome.

My nine year old had half of mine.
I was also over reading Lisa's blog.
She has started doing a low carb kind of a thing...
I spend so much time telling you guys I count calories that I forgot to tell you all what I don't eat.
I don't eat white bread.
I don't eat white rice.
I don't eat donuts or any kind of processed crap on my non splurge days.
You know why...
Because It causes cravings.
Bad ones.

Another thing I don't eat.
It does nothing but make me hungrier.
I know it doesn't bother some people.
I will now have people tell me to try granola or total raisen bran..
I have and it does nothing for me.
I eat yogurt or eggs.
On my splurge days I usually contain my big meal to dinner.
But I think someday I may have pancakes at Ihop.
That would be awesome.
I don't go through fast food places.
I buy turkey sausage.
I don't keep chips or candy in my house.
I don't keep soda in my house unless it's diet.
I recently stopped eating white flour crackers and switched to all bran crackers.
I eat 15 grain whole wheat bread...one slice with my eggs.
If I have a sandwich it's in a whole grain 80 calorie latortilla wrap.
I limit myself to two cups of coffee with sugar and 2 percent milk.
I don't eat white potatoes.
Butter doesn't help.
nothing does.
and popcorn.
I don't keep it in the house in any form...
It's my kryptonite.
That is how I stay so consistent. I keep my living area clean.
It's hard enough when I have to go out, no need to make it harder when I am in.
I eat fruit, yogurt, veggies, lean proteins and limited whole grains...no more than one or two servings a day.
Then I limit my calories.

I have all sorts of little barriers to my eating.
It helps me stay on course.

Now on to my art pictures and finally I wanted to post something for Loretta.

This is not finished....

Okay, I am thinking of titling it 'sleeping dawn'....(the angel who brings the dawn)

okay, so I actually got the idea from paint on my husbands computer, I was fiddling around and saw an object that was similar to a wing and went from there...
It started as a simple pencil drawing, then I took a fine point sharpie and 'inked' it, erased the fine pencil lines and then started with my prisma color colored pencils. I am in the process of coloring her in...the sky is ultramarine, violet and indigo (I am thinking of deepening the sky with more indigo, but want to give that thought some time...don't want muddy it up and it is almost time for her to wake up and bring the sunrise, so the lightening sky is acceptable.)

So...am thinking of doing the underskirt black as well....maybe a blue or purple or green undertone...am thinking. I actually did a dry run on a wing on a seperate piece of paper...will be doing a lemon yellow underlay with yellow ochre at the edges and the shading I am going to do with indigo because once it hits the yellow it makes a really gem like green color which I love.
Which is why the underskirt is up for grabs....I think I will do the wings first and then the underskirt. Down below looks like a high desert plain and want to concentrate on Tuscan red with an undertone of orange and maybe a raisin color or blackberry color....with the plains areas orange or yellow...don't know yet.
I have another blog in me about this and taking yourself seriously..think I will leave it till tomorrow.
For now I will leave you all with the prints I won from Loretta a bit ago..
I had them framed and hung on my stair case...a place that has been barren for quite a while. Which is unusual for me...as I love art....but just couldn't find the right pictures to put there.
When I received Loretta's pics in the mail..whammo...found it.
I am so happy. The look like little pieces of stained glass hanging on my wall.
So here they are:

Have a great night, and thank you loretta for my new art...


too busy drawing to blog...

well, I got to draw today..(I also did sit ups and a walk)
I started a kind of folk art angel.
I will post a picture of it next tuesday.
I drew it, and then inked it and am now coloring it in with my colored pencils.
I am trying to go slow so as to know when to stop.
A little at a time will be good enough for me.
Hope you all had a great night.
I am headed to bed.
Talk to you all tomorrow.


When good posts go awry....prudence and chigger....

Hello all,
here I was, all set to post my anime pics for your viewing pleasure...(not quite the slide show of say, the grand canyon...but a pretty close second)...
When I realized my camera was missing.
So, I ask my oldest daughter.
She 'had' it, but now can't find it.
And looking at her room...I didn't find this to be a shocking revelation.
I am sure it will turn up attached to pieces of food or some such...

So instead I will continue on with my second installment of my 'romance novel.'
You new readers will have to go back to see Chapter one. Wherein I lament the fact that all the romance novels seem to have turned into buggery, that every hero was a bat or a wolf or a viscount or a lord... but for you old timers.. we shall simply continue as before....

The Lord of Passion
Chapter 2
The Briny beginning....

Prudence Mayhew Knew she had made mistakes, but how much worse could it get?
Stripped of her maiden head, now stripped of her home, her honor and her humor...she crouched uncomfortably behind barrels of briny cabbage, where she had ducked when she had heard the timber of rough voices, and the sound of a bar scraping and prying the lid off a nearby barrel..
The smell of salt and cabbage assaulted her delicate nose, blending with the smells of damp and mold and pine tar.

Now, knees to chin, she simply sat and cried over what could never be...

She would never be a viscountess or Duchess, adored and admired both near and far.
Her days of entertaining swains and jealous rivals were over.
Never again would she walk through the manicured gardens in the cool of the evening,
smelling the lush romance of roses in bloom.

She was a fallen woman, shunned by all good society, destined to live out her days in utter disgrace....
Prudence Mayhew was many things, but she wasn't the type to sit idly by and allow the world to dictate her life, she lived life by her own terms.
Which was why she was where she was...a last minute decision made when the realization of her fallen state had finally sunk in.
As she lay under the silk sheets of the Viscount Britishton's bed.
Moonlight throwing the room into stark relief, a sense of impending doom pervading every indrawn breath, Prudence finally realized something.
She realized that if she remained, She would be given two options.
She could be seen as a woman of easy virtue and become a courtesan,
or worse...
She could become the wife of the evil Earl of Dudsley.
A man of uneven temperament.
A man desperate for Prudence's dowry.
A man who would be too arrogant to admit he had been cuckolded.
Instead of doing the honorable thing...crying off.
Prudence knew he would spend his life taking out his humiliation and rage on her.

So, in the darkest part of night, Prudence slipped out of her family's rented apartments and stole silently to the docks.
There, she managed to bribe a deckhand and board the New Hope,
A frigate bound for India.

Determined to start anew in another land, her ill gotten gain strapped beneath her voluminous skirts, money stashed through years of clever card play in a spirit of fun and adventure.
Money whose purpose had previously eluded her, having led a sheltered and priviliged life Thusfar...Prudence had simply hid it under her mattress.
Now this Money would help Prudence find a new life, on her terms.
A new life, and much like the ship's name...a new hope.

Prudence leaned against the nearest barrel, contemplating her fallen state, and the vast void of the unknown.
She gasped as brine sloshed over the lip of the open container at her back, and shivered as it slid over her collar and dribbled in rivulets down her back.

"Make that fallen and salty." she mused bitterly.

Above deck, Viscount Britishton stood, leg braced on the gun battery, eyes scanning the horizon in search of brigands....
The merchant ships which this frigate was protecting carried naught but half empty hulls, waiting to be filled with tea and spice, and some food and clothing for colonials ensconced on the Indian subcontinent, but...
One could never be too careful...as the shrapnel in his leg could attest...one never knew what life held in store.
Being a wealthy shipping magnate, as well as a spy ( and peer of the realm) had led to a life both exciting and dangerous...and one fraught with intrigue.
Of course there were the occasional pangs of loneliness, the empty nights, the endless poetry of the sea....
But Chigger (for that was his name) was a man of purpose...
as seen by his firm jaw and stiff upper lip.
His bronzed skin gleaming in the noon day sun.
No real gentlemen would tan, but then again, He was no gentleman.
He held himself as was his custom, shoulders squared and arms akimbo, fists planted firmly on his lean and well muscled flanks...ready for anything life chose to throw his way...
A small smile flitted over his face as he contemplated his little assignation of the night before...a pleasant dalliance between assignments. An amusement, and nothing more....
Chigger mused...and chuckled...and mused some more.

Little did he know his pleasant dalliance of the night before would soon come back to bite him, hard.

Prudence was becoming impatient with not only her circumstances, but her sense of victimhood.
Never one to wallow for long, Prudence set her mind to a new purpose.
Her green eyes flashing,
She stood upright and with a tug, and jerk of her skirt...set about to make her presence known.

As she stepped out from behind the barrels, Prudence was suddenly imprisoned by an arm that wrapped around her, crushing her to a chest that felt as solid as the old oak that had risen like a silent sentinel outside her bedroom at her ancestral home, Briarhurston. ..

Prudence, suddenly realizing that her alliterative mind had caused her to stand like a limp fish instead of protest as she ought, gasped as a hand with long, lean fingers clamped over her lips like a vice.
Prudence did the only thing she could think of.
Taking her strong, white, and completely un-British teeth, she bit the hand that held her.

This story will continue the next time my blog doesn't go the way it ought...

It could be weeks, months or years...lol.
Prudence and Chigger will have to wait.
Have a great night guys...

chris out.....


Going within for your own truth.

Hey all,
had a fine time at the anime convention...better than expected as a matter of fact.
will post pictures tomorrow..
Lately I seem to have 'rediscovered' my thinking button.
That is both Good and bad.

Good because my thinking has always kept me out of trouble.
Bad because sometimes it gets me into trouble.
Things that really anger me?
Well, lazy hyperbolic statements anger me.
on both sides of any issue.
I can argue both sides of any issue...because every issue has two sides.
issues do.
Are both sides equally valid?
Not always.
But sometimes we throw out the whole argument because most of it is irrelevant, when the little bit that went with it may have been a crucial bit.
Let's look at the ground zero mosque..
I know, you thought I had moved on...and I have for the most part.
It is legal.
It is a matter of the first amendment right of freedom of religion.

let's take the quran burning.
It's legal
It's a matter of first amendment right of freedom of speech.

in my opinion.
are in poor taste.
The main difference.
The Koran burning is temporary, the mosque is permanent.
Watching the same people come out on different sides of both issues screams hypocrisy to me.
Whichever side you are on.
I think neither thing should happen.
They are both in abominable taste.
Does anyone care what I think.
But they both speak about the mindset of the people involved.
A kind of blind insistence on 'having their say."
Irregardless of who they hurt.
I have learned in my years of experience *this is an inside family joke...
I have learned in my relatively short time on this planet...
that there is nothing to be gained
most of the time
On making sure people know that I have an opinion on their opinion.
This doesn't mean I don't have an opinion..
It just means I don't feel the need to express my unwanted opinion 99 percent of the time because it really has no bearing or relevance on that person's life.
For instance.
My older brother has some good qualities.
He also has some horrific qualities.
like being a white supremacist.
he's a fairly intelligent guy...where he came up with this...(prison I am guessing) is not important.
I couldn't disagree more.
Biting my tongue while he went on about things that I am diametrically opposed to...well,
that was painful.
but not as painful as having a falling out with someone who is terminally ill and dying.
I will not change his mind.
We have had 'discussions' in the past.
I have a thing for Jewish culture...I have been studying it for years.
It's beautiful, it's a beautiful thing.
Their focus on charity, education, and practical religion, the tanakh,...the mishnah (oral law)...there is so much we can take from it...
As a Christian, I find the study of the Jewish faith indispensable to informing my own faith.
without it, mine wouldn't exist.
My brother has received an earful from me about it on more than one occasion, he knows better than to bring it up to me, so we are quiet about it now. We talk about childhood now.
About hunting and fishing...anything but politics.
Anything other than worldview.
I know people who would say "You shouldn't have anything to do with him."
But I can't.
He is my brother.
That is one thing I don't compromise on, family.
my family.
I allow my truth to guide me.
The existence of other thought.
The existence of other opinion.
Does not bother me.
If someone asks an opinion I give it...
I think when you blog you are inherently opening yourself up to dissection and opinion.
It's a public forum open to public scrutiny.
When you give opinions, you get opinions.
Don't let it rattle you.
because an opinion is just that...an opinion.
it's not set in stone.
If you don't agree when someone shares, just let it go...water off a ducks back and all that.
Go within and find what YOU know is true.
Have a great Sunday.
I have decided to NOT blog on thursdays and saturdays.
I will be drawing those nights instead.
Have a great night guys.


See you Sunday...

Well guys,
I am taking daughters to an anime convention tomorrow.
On September 11th.
I feel like I should be doing something else...

I think it should be a national day of mourning or something.
But it isn't.
It is patriots day...very American.
Never admit to mourning.
It will let 'them' win.
But tomorrow...while I am dressed in what can only be described as a glorified confectioner outfit looking like a refugee from Willy Wonka's chocolate factory...
My heart will be mourning.
I will never ever forget where I was when it happened.
Or the people who died.
Or how I stood there holding my just less than two month old baby, watching the world morph and warp before my eyes.
I was enraged first, then horrified and then sad.
I am Still all three.
I am so thankful for my children that I still get to hold...
That my Husband made it through four tours to Iraq.
That my cousins have made it to Afghanistan and back.
Thankful for all the friends who made it home and
missing those who didn't.
That we as a family came out of everything whole, and relatively unscathed.

I remember all who gave their lives that day and every day since,
and I mourn.

See you all Sunday night.
Hugs and God Bless.


curing self hate....and food addiction...

can't do it all in one night...lolol.
But i have come a long way towards curing my self hate,
and my food addiction...
There was once a time in my life when I couldn't set food down till it was gone.
Now I can eat part of my plate and leave the rest.
Is it the food that changed or is it me.
I think.

I am not sure food was the issue.
Just like fat was a symptom,
food was a tool.
It was the way I handled my issues that was the issue.

I handled everything with food.
I ate
I ate
I ate.

I realized today that I wasn't necessarily a food addict for all those years.
I was afraid.
more to point
I was a coward.
I didn't want to face the things I was afraid of, so I ate them instead.
The biggest fear.
That I was unlovable.

My mind was always full of what if's.
What if he doesn't love me.
What if I fail.
What if I am worthless.
A fat slob.

What if I truly am a failure, and if I try to lose the weight and fail....everything I think and believe about myself will be confirmed in the failure.

It paralyzed me.
I couldn't even start correctly.
Most of my diets weren't diets.
They were punishments for being fat.
No fruit for you fatty, you have had too many sweet things.
Starve fatty...you have eaten too much for years.
Now it's time to pay the piper.

I would feel vindicated in the process.
I felt like I deserved to suffer for being such a fat pig, such a failure, such an idiot.

The idea that there was a sane way to be.
A sane way to exist...
It wouldn't have worked for me back then.
Because I had too much self hate.
Eat less, but not starve....
eat healthy and exercise, because I deserved to treat myself well.
That argument would not have flown even five years ago.

Put me and my exercise first...
Who did I think I was.
I made choices you know.
Choices to be a mother and a wife.
That means I come last.
I made choices you know.
Choices to eat unwisely...why should my kids suffer because I chose to be fat.

That was the old voice.
The voice telling me that I WASN'T WORTH THE TIME OR EFFORT.

I heard a saying once.
I did then what I knew how to do, when I knew better I did better. (Maya Angelou)
Stop punishing yourself over past mistakes.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow is not promised.
All you have is TODAY.
Each day you create yourself anew with your intentions.
Now that you know better, you can do better.
There is no need for punishment.
Just action.
Treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one.
exercise, eat right and

Live Deliberately...


The evolution of a choice- day 492 and my tattoo...finally.

Click to enlarge.
I chose to have this tattooed on my hide for one reason.
That I would never forget.
and I never will.

I decided 492 days ago to change my life for good.

May 4th, 2009 I was standing in build a bear and saw myself for the first time as I really was...you know, I think that's the case...I never really SAW myself before.
There are many reasons for that..primarily being that I was so burdened and propelled by the way others saw me, that I never stopped to see how I viewed myself..
Moving along.
I was ashamed.
My shame and my anger drove me the first few months of my journey.
That evolved....
When you begin to do things that are right. That are good...
The shame can't hang around...or it shouldn't.
You begin to see yourself as capable.

All the while you are battling the things that helped you get to your weight to begin with.
It's not a one front war...this weight loss...
It's a land war in Asia and a naval battle in the pacific at the same time.
It's like herding cats.

You will have to finally deal with any issues you haven't dealt with.
You are going to have to find new ways to deal with your emotions..
You are still losing weight and so relationships are changing.
Some friends are on your side.
Some friends are not.
YOU are changing.
How you approach things changes.
Your sense of self and what you deserve...it changes.
Marriages that seemed steady may start to crumble.
Marriages that were crumbling firm up.
It's like doing the hoola hoop on the deck of a ship in the middle of a storm.
New feelings, and new emotions to come along with all the old feelings and old emotions.
You will hit a wall.

You will.




What you do when you hit it will determine your success or failure.
You will feel tired.
You will question your decisions.
Why am I bothering...it's just making things harder.
Why can't I eat like everyone else....what's the point.
I have just upset everyone and everything...I am spending all my time at the gym...I never see the kids anymore...
If you are losing weight for any reason other than you know you need to for you...
That you want it bad enough to let go of your old life and grab on to a new one...
you will revert.

You are going to have to climb over the wall.
I did that last September.
And the view on the other side is something else.
It will be like the last of your chains has fallen free.
Climbing over that last wall is the big test.
There will be further testing...
but if you can get over the big one.
The big why.
Well...you will know deep inside that you can make it.
Then your view of the whole process changes.
You realize you aren't just losing weight.
You are changing your whole life.
You will realize that contrary to your prior opinion...your fat was the symptom...not the problem.
You will get to a point where you feel incredibly healthy and the impetus to keep pounding an hour to an hour and a half of exercise six days a week while rotating 5 meals that seem endless, while it may have helped you when you didn't know what else to do....won't work in the long run.
You know you need to start living like you will want to live the rest of your life.
You know your current state isn't 'it'.
So you will begin to try new things.
New foods that are healthy.
You will have days when you will consume a piece of cake..
Just like 'normal' thin people do.
You will go out to dinner and eat more....
Then just like the normal thin people do...you go to the gym and work it off.
You watch your calories before and after....
You will realize that your calorie budget is just like your money budget.
It has to come from somewhere.
it's all in keeping tabs on your daily caloric intake and paying for what you consume.
Because that is what normal people do...
At the end of this whole thing is a term we former fatties like to call maintenance.
But what your average thin person calls life.
You find your calorie range.
You find your acceptable level of exertion, (the exercise you are willing to put in to pay the piper). ..you find the weight that you are healthy at and feel comfortable maintaining...and you live.
I have 17 lbs to go before I hit my initial goal weight.
But I am already living as if I were 132 lbs.
I eat maintenance for 132 lbs.
I will lose on average 1/2 lb a week from here till the inevitable conclusion, in the meantime I am finding balance, I am finding joy and I am living.
Have a great night guys,


overworked...and I actually talk about dieting...

Not me..
My art.
rookie mistake.
All 'artists' out there know what I am talking about.
You got an idea.
You are working it.
It's coming together.
It looks good.
you keep working it..
you start thinking.
Just a little more and a little more.
and then...
you've killed it.
instead of luminous it looks muddy.
Instead of inspired it's flat.
Or words that I can't say.
I was sooooo angry.
It's a mistake you make when you haven't drawn in a long time.
knowing when to stop.
Important in food.
Important in art and
important in life.

and quick note.

About dieting...*gasp.
If your bad days are outnumbering your good days then instead of focusing on owning your choices...you may want to focus on setting a cap and sticking to it.
I could, conceivably, own my choices all the way back up to 262 lbs.
That isn't a lifestyle....
It's a downhill slide.
The one thing that worked for me was knowing that on Sunday through Friday it was thus and such calories.
On Saturday it was this much.
However much that is...and not going over it for any reason.
Hell or high water.
Because when it comes down to it, the one thing that is going to get you to your goal is setting limits for yourself and not letting anything get in your way..not bad moods or anything.

You have to set the food and exercise apart from a bad mood.

Let's just say:

If you are in a bad mood...and you were formerly an alcoholic....
You couldn't pick up a six back 'just this once'.
Everyone knows that is a mistake for an alcoholic.
Well, if you are (or were formerly) morbidly obese...I would say,
The same goes for food.
That's all.
Have a great night...


Hello comrades...

Sorry, couldn't resist.
I home school and it is a well known fact that I don't take labor day off for home school...because it's a communist holiday.
Which it is.
But more on that later.

First off, Today I got my mojo back.
I woke up this morning and felt like losing the fat like I haven't in quite a while.
I think you have to 'feel fat' again to want to keep dropping weight.
I felt great, I thought "I look good'.
So the itch wasn't there.
But today I woke up and could see the fat.
I am still 'overweight'.
So that's no surprise.
But when you go from being morbidly obese to only 9 lbs overweight..
Well, you feel skinny.
So, I worked out and burned 800 calories and I ate 1560 calories.
String a couple more days like this together and I will be normal in no time.
Well, 'normal' in the weight sense.

But back to the communist holiday.
I decided to take today off.
I took it off because it was a chance to spend time with my kids.
I took my oldest to get a wig cap for the upcoming anime convention.
My youngest got some cat ears for her character...
and we hung out and then went and got some new shoes for my little one for her home school enrichment course tomorrow.
Part of the reason I like this is because it gives her a taste of public school without the rancid aftertaste.
It's one day a week.
It is all home school kids...
It has art and science (things that are difficult to duplicate at home)
and it gives her a chance to make friends.

I have spent the last 16 years giving my kids what I hope they understand to be
unconditional love.
I got love from my mom...
I didn't realize it was unconditional until I was older.
I got abuse from my 'father'.
He wasn't my biological father.

I have been thinking about that.
He was abused by his father.
I was saved by the knowledge that God is my true heavenly father.
That he does love me unconditionally.
And God gave me a whole handbook on how to live.

My earthly abusive father never knew God.
He never knew unconditional love from anyone.
Not his mother or his brothers and sisters.
He got married and emotionally had nothing to give.
How can you pour out love if you have never been filled up?
Every part of his life, love has had to be earned and he didn't know how.
Or even if he 'earned' it, he learned that love can be withheld.
I forgave him a few years ago and left it there.
I called and forgave him.
He didn't accept that he was abusive.
He stated that my mom 'gave as good as she got'.
(which secretly made me happy to hear)
So I said
That's like saying the victim of a mugging wasn't the victim of a mugging because they fought back.
he didn't say anything.

Now before I sent the first angry letter.
Before I ever thought of forgiving him.
He had apologized to both me and my little brother.
He said He knew what he had done to all of us was wrong.
He cried.
It was after my brother and I had bought him a birthday cake.
( I actually didnt care, I did that for my little brother)
That he was able to say what he had done then, when we gave him a cake .
But the fact that his heart had hardened after I sent a bitter letter, that after I had written out my anger, he couldn't admit wrong doing.
I find it interesting that the asking for forgiveness moved my emotions enough to expose them to show me the root of my bitterness which prompted the angry letter.
(which quite frankly started the healing...so the act of love was the start of the healing, not the angry letter...hey robin...do you see why I read your blog? we think the same way.)

I thought
An act of love prompted the remorse.
An act of bitterness caused him to cover up.

Since I forgave him, and worked through all those feelings I had about my childhood...and then went home and solidified the fact that I have healed.
I have been thinking about him.

I knew at the time that forgiveness was the right thing.
But a flash of thought came to my mind.
"What if you could love him unconditionally?"

I dismissed it because I really wanted to protect myself.
I think now that was the right decision.
I hadn't really worked through my life.
I hadn't started losing weight or anything else.
So I was right to let it go.

But I realized the other day how solid I feel.
I have no hate...and no love for him.
Just empathy.
I know how he was raised and how he felt..
Because I was raised the same way.
It doesn't matter who did the raising.
He doesn't batter people anymore.
He has gotten better that way.
But he is not healed, because I confronted him about his own childhood and he just kept saying "That has nothing to do with it."
But it has everything to do with it.
So, the thought is this.
I don't need him to be a father, he wasn't my biological father anyways.
I have my stepfather.
I don't need him to be a friend, or anything to me.
I have friends.
I don't need anything from him.
But I have something I can give him.
I can give him love and encouragement that is unconditional.
I can send him the birthday cards he was never sent.
I can write to him about his good points.
Because he does have them.
I can give him what he should have had from his parents.
It doesn't matter how old he is.
Inside he is still broken.
Does that mean I include my children?
I live 1500 miles away.
I don't need him to send me cards.
Or give me encouragement.
I don't need anything from him.
I am the perfect person to do this.
This may sound crazy..
But as I was contemplating it...
I was listening on the radio and the lady said
"Is there someone out there that God is wanting you to reach out to and you are dragging your feet?"
That was pretty clear.
This thought has been hanging round for a while.
Its part of what I am supposed to do.
I hope you guys have a great night.
Hope all is well with you.


Night and Day

Back to church today...
A different one of course.
I made the 30 minute trip to vista grande baptist.
It was worth it.
Night and Day difference.
Last week it was all buddy Jesus and what can the church do for you, and how can we not offend you by saying the word Christian.

This week:
No joke.
The whole sermon was preached on crucifying your ego and your will and following Christ.
It couldn't have been more perfect or more of a confirmation that I had landed in the correct pew.
I picked my daughter up from Sunday school where no one had threatened to 'pummel her head in'...
like last week.
And asked her what she learned...
She learned about moses and the difference between the old and new testament...and they read the bible.
I didn't see one cookie, or anything.
The only thing I was invited to do was come to the alter and repent or ask for prayer.
Or, as the sermon said, to serve God with my whole heart and to count the cost of following him.
I left there a happy camper.
I have found my church home.
These days it is starting to sound like the little pieces of my life are clicking into place...
snick, snick, snick.'
I have lost over 100 lbs.
I have friends, my art, a church home.
I am involved and happy.
It is all starting to come together.
I think I will look back and see what I was doing one year ago....

wow, this was the point last year that I hit rock bottom with myself...I nearly ended the whole thing the first week of september....this is me climbing out of my hole....
I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt. It was alot easier saying that about my mom to people I don't have to look in the eye, than it would have been to people I know and love. It would have been too much. I don't want to see pity or something. Saying it is like lancing a boil. It lets the poison of silence out. I am tired of letting things eat me from the inside out. Those weren't my actions, they weren't my choices. The only thing I really have is now, my husband and my kids and what I make of the rest of my life. I can't undo anything, I am who I am. I can learn from other's mistakes, I can choose to forgive, I can choose to do the things that scare me. It really all ends up at paydirt. Goal weight. That is when I will have cleaned most of the crap out. Then it's all maintenance, keeping the crap off. Making choices about who and what I want in my life, who I really am and how I want to live. For those of us that have been stuck in a mental and physical rut that we not only carved,but had carved for us...the idea of creating something out of whole cloth seems daunting. It feels like a mountain sometimes ( or a crap packed chicken coop) . One step, one reach, one truth, one layer, one pound at a time

I think I am going to cry.

That is crazy.
one year later.
talk about night and day...
Guys, if you know or understand nothing else from this...know that I have been where you are.
I have been fat, and hopeless and messed up and not knowing who I am or what I am doing..or even what I want.
It took a lot of hard work to get where I am at now.
A lot of mental work.
But I am here.
Because I didn't quit.
The only thing standing between you and victory is you.

hang in there,

Heroes, and speaking the truth in love...

Hey all,
I wanted to thank Paula for the award she created to thank people who have inspired her.
I was lucky enough to be one of them.
As you all can see I posted something that while, not offensive to many was offensive to one.
I took it down.
Because that one person was truly offended.
If I felt it was just a person who was trolling I wouldn't have the same response.

I will deliver the message in a different way.
And this time, someone may be offended...but it won't be for any other reason than for the message.

Morbid obesity will kill you.
When I was 262 lbs I would get terrible heart palpitations.
Once while I was driving it happened so long and so hard that I started to black out.
I couldn't lay flat on my back and swallow.
Or even breath very well.
I cleared my blog roll two weeks ago and when I did I got rid of about 25 blogs.
People who hadn't updated in a while.
Here is the thing...
What I write here, other people read (which I know is obvious)
I haven't really written about the importance of losing the weight and how much better I feel for a while.
I do wonder if people who stumble over my blog (unless they look in the side bar)...would even know that I have lost weight, or even how much.
I am connected to a lot of other weight loss bloggers.
When Paula gave me that award it made me realize something.
You don't always know who you are reaching with your words.
Or what your words mean to anyone who may come across your blog.
I am big on encouraging people.
If I see they are succeeding, I root for them.
If they disappear and have a regain, I see it and say nothing.
Even if it happens over and over again.
Now with some people, when they start to slip I feel I can say something.
Mostly because I have faith in their journey.
I think they have the mindset to make it so I say something.
Loretta made an excellent point the other day.
She stated that her journey and people who have less to lose, their journeys are much different.
I agree.
But I rarely have any thing to say to Loretta, or Sean or allan...because I know they are going to make their goals.
Allan has said that, as a man who was over 500 lbs, his journey is life or death.
So telling someone who is over 500 lbs to just switch from brown rice to white rice is wrong and won't help.
Allan speaks the truth nearly all the time, or what he thinks he should say. Which I admire.
After last night,
my husband said that at some point he thinks that people might be 'too far gone.'
I don't believe that.
At one point I thought I was 'too far gone."
It wasn't the truth.
I just felt hopeless.
If you see someone lose and regain the same weight...what do you say to that person.
If it's 20 lbs that is one thing.
But bigger numbers, that is another.
It puts alot of stress on the body, and I think each failed attempt leads to more hopelessness.
How do you approach it when you see it, especially when it is clear they aren't addressing the root causes.
My root causes weren't food, they were fear.
For some people it's depression,.
Allan has said that every day he stayed overweight was another day he might have a heart attack.
So, do you say something.
Or Do you just stay silent and then encourage when they get back on track.
Do you point out the flawed thinking.
Or do you speak the truth in love?
So if you are a new weight loss blogger,
ust know it is a life and death proposition.
It is worth it to lose the weight, you can do this.
It's a one day at a time thing.
You have to be consistant to lose the weight.
consistantly consistent.
Day in and day out.
You are too important a person to many people to ignore your health
Start now.
Big hugs,
Thank you Paula for reading and for the award.
Have a great night guys.


Hey guys.
I know there are alot of people wondering where my normal blog post went.
I deleted it.
I will write a new one thanking Paula tomorrow.
As for now I have learned a good lesson.
Your message and intentions don't always come across correctly to everyone.
I hurt someone last night.
It has never been my intention to hurt anyone ever.
I wanted to make a point about not turning our backs and ignoring things, instead I came across as a neighborhood mrs. Kravitz. For that I am truly sorry. I did follow the blog I mentioned for over a year.
I did feel sorry and pain at what occurred.
I did want to convey what I felt was a collective duty to help.
I am sure there was a better way to make a point.
I will try to think of it in the future.
I hope I can learn and grow as I age.
I hope everyone involved will forgive me.
I meant well.
have a good night.


A deliberate life...the cougar edition....

Hey all,
I did an awesome workout and finally got to the grocery store one hour ago. I will be spending this week eating whole foods.
on to the fun part.
As some of you may know, we at the commissary have baggers who help you take your groceries to the car for tips.
These are mostly young kids...17, 18, and 19 years old.
So, I got my groceries and am being escorted out to the car by this young guy who is a bagger.
He looked me up and down and is flirting.
which amuses me greatly.
he is talking about the job and his great car and what he's going to do for the weekend and what am I doing on the weekend.
He is talking about what a great job it is...so finally I decide to pop his little bubble.
We get to my car and I look at him and say "Yes, I think it is a very good job."
"my daughter applied on Peterson"
He says "Your DAUGHTER"..."how old is SHE"
I say "16"
He stops, looks at me and says
"well, Thank you Ma'am"
too funny.
I recieved a blog award from paula two days ago that deserves it's own post.
I have a lot that I want to say that's attached to it.
But I just wanted to drop in and say heydy and give you a little nsv fun.
Have a great night guys.


Happy 101 blog award...a picture of my cat....and answering those questions...


Hey all,
I took a walk today with my husband.
I ate maintenance again.
I am 149 in the morning...150 at night.
I am not sure where I am with regards to food other than hungry.
Maybe my body is adjusting I don't know.
I am maintaining.
I think tomorrow should be better.
I have gotten most of the white stuff out of my diet and my cravings are calming down.
I have lots of veggies in the fridge which I will be comsuming tomorrow.
I have eaten only fruit for snacks.
so, doing good there.
I just got finished with Tom...so that could have something to do with it. I don't know...that and all the organizing, and homeschooling and what not.
But anywhoozle.
I have recieved a blog award that I haven't posted.
I wanted to do that now.
First up,
Karla...she gave this a few days ago. Joy prior to that...I have been very negligent getting it up here.
thank you both so much.
It's the happy 101 award
I am supposed to tell you ten things that make me happy.

okay here goes.
The smell of new paper.
A well sharpened pencil.
the smell of coffee.
The sound of little kids laughing...especially the little girl two doors down...
she has the cutest laugh.
My youngest daughter and her interest in words.
my oldest daughter's haiku s
A well timed joke.
the feel of silk.
my cat Leo...

magnificent isn't he....he knows.
Leo was found one day under a pickup truck.
He allowed us to take him home and feed him.
We have been grateful for his presence ever since.

Now those questions I asked of others....
3 questions I would ask God...

What is my ultimate purpose here?
Who does he find funny? I mean, wouldn't you want to know who cracks God up....
How can I create more joy in the lives of the people around me??? What do they need?

The mistake I learned the most from..
I was in 7th grade and I picked on someone.
in front of people.
I thought I was hysterically funny.
I was sarcastic, and subtle and mean.
As I stood there getting approbation for what I did...she started crying.
Then I realized that I wasn't being funny.
I was being a monster.
I acted that way to be liked.
I hurt another person to fit in.
I went up to her right then, in front of all those people and said I didn't expect her to forgive me, but I was sorry. The people who had been cheering me on didn't like me after that.
But I didn't care.
I never did that again.

People have feelings.
Her name was Darla.
She forgave me, and turned into a friend, is in fact still my friend now.
Hurting someone, or tearing someone down to build yourself up is one of the worst things you can do. I learned that everyone should be treated with kindness and respect. That everyone has feelings, and that everyone is capable of being cruel. But people can change.

I wanted to thank everyone who answered those questions. I know a few haven't yet.
If anyone wants to read a few of the others...go at it.
If anyone wants to put there answers to these questions in the comments below, I would be really interested....
Oh, yeah...
Who would I have dinner with.
Mother Theresa.
I find her fascinating.
I just want to sit down and talk to her.
She must have had ideas and thoughts that she couldn't talk about...

everyone have a great night.
Big hugs,


No white bread evaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

channeling my inner Joan crawford.
I have been a french bread a holic.
I have to stop.
It's causing all sorts of cravings.
Gotta ditch it.
man, this no cussing thing is hard.
I have a bush I am trying to grow, my husband doesn't like it because it gets HUGE and he can't get the lawnmower into the back yard.
I tell him...I will keep it contained.
And I have been...it's very small because he ripped it out last summer and it was re growing.
He mowed it today.
Even after I told him I liked it and wanted it.
I was soooooo mad.
So he says, "What, you aren't talking to me?"
I said "I am mad at you and don't want to talk to you right now"
I had to wait an HOUR to talk.
Which was probably good.
We hashed it out.
I told him he had 'hurt my feelings, and that it was like he didn't even listen'.
of course he didn't listen...
He thought..it's a bush, I'll mow it.
I think my response was very mature because if it had been the me of two weeeks ago....those stupid maps he insists on keeping would have been 'accidentally' shredded. It's called guerilla warfare.
My Bush will grow again.
on to more important matters.
I worked out today.
eating was so so....
It will be better tomorrow.
eliminating the white bread and unneccessary sugars will go along way towards curbing my appetite.
so long artisan french loaf from safeway...I hardly knew ya.
So, Robin gave me 8 qeustions and wanted me to answer them, make up eight and pick 8 people.
I will ask three good questions and ask 7 people.
hows that for following rules.

oakey doakey.
I pick Robin, cause this is the Chrisaverse and I make the rules,
Loretta even though she is blogging less...I would be very interested in her God questions...
Steve @ logmyloss...ditto
Deb will be free, Linda @ barmitzvahzilla, Amber @ faith love kids and me, and Alan from fool's fitness...that's good....those guys...

Question 1:
If you could Ask God three questions, what would they be?

If you could go back in time and have dinner with a famous person, which person would you choose.

What was the mistake you learned the most from?

After I read ya'll's answers, I will post mine...fair is fair.
Have a great night guys.