welcome to the diet portion of my blog

hello people...
I'm baaack...
I am currently sitting on my couch making the sane and logical choice to NOT eat.
It isn't easy.
I did 40 minutes on my elliptical today and then 120 situps..and then arm weights...chest press, bicep curl and flies.
my calories..
lets see what did I eat..
I will write it out here..
1rst meal
one cliff bar. 25o calories
2nd meal
three eggs and a piece of toast 310 calories
3rd meal
a candy bar...milky way caramel
(terrible choice...but now is the time to be honest)
250 calories
4th meal
8 cups of popcorn and 3 tablespoons butter..
* again..won't reiterate...we are going for honesty.
460 calories
5th meal
2 cups homemade kungpao with 1/2 cup rice 500 calories

and two cups coffee..with about a fourth of cup of milk..40 calories

       1810 calories..
better than lately...hell yes.
because I wrote it out and was honest..
and I burned 500 calories today..
so that calorie level and burn is enough to sustain a 13o pound woman...so, for me..
that is a weight loss day.
but that being said. I am head hungry.
I sat next to my darling daughter while we watched once upon a time...and she ate popcorn.
I already had popcorn earlier in the day..
it is my favorite food.
Not eating it..
so now I need to go to bed..and begin again in the morning with the sure knowledge that today doesn't mean tomorrow.
I get to do this all over again tomorrow.
Which is what makes it hard..
but if you do it, day in and day out..you will achieve your goals..
and as we all know..
the days go whether we achieve our goals or not.
So stick to the plan....and let the days go.
That is the easiest part...They go fast.
You can use the way time slips to your advantage.
And when you want to eat..ask yourself before you do...where do you want to be one week from now..
another week older and closer to death without making progress.
or another week older and closer to who you want to be.
Will this choice make me happy in one hour or sad..
how about as you lay in bed.
Will you feel proud of this, or ashamed.
Then choose.
with love,


The death crawl

If there is one thing I have learned in life....It is that I am stronger than I know..
and the only way to find out how much I have in me..is to push till I can't push anymore..
and then push a little further.
We always stop before we look weak, don't we.
Before we feel pain.
Before it requires something..
Something more than we think we have.
The only time we grow is when we step into the abyss of the unkown.
Full of fear...
Full of uncertainty.
and we do it anyway.
Past the point of pain..
through tears.
Through the dark.
never quitting...pushing and pushing.
Then God takes off the blindfold and we find we are further than we thought.
We are in the end zone.
Don't quit.
Don't quit.
Don't quit.


passion>spiritual death

Hello all,
back from the silence.
Not because I was in a bad place..
I was incredibly busy...
working 25 hours a week..making sure I get my daily exercise...however small..
and working on making my (now departed to the airforce) daughter's old room into my new art room.

Speaking of Art...
I believe I talked about how I was dead inside.
And didn't realize it.
And then one day I did.
This was before I realized I was morbidly obese..
by a year or two.
And my husband had deployed again to Iraq.
And I was worn out..
fatter than ever.
I took up crocheting..thinking that If I kept my hands busy..I would stop eating.
That was a bad year.
It was the year my husband deployed for the fourth time..
which was preceded by a miscarriage..
a miscarriage that was preceded by finding out my oldest brother had a terminally progressive illness.
My marriage was bad.
My life was devoid of fun.
My oldest was becoming disrespectful and unruly..
I didn't have the energy to even correct her...let alone enjoy her.
And I saw a commercial for The defense institute.
It promised to teach my child to defend herself...it wasn't a martial arts school...it was a self defense school.
Their motto.
IF you want art, buy a brush.
Which, of course, caught my attention.
So I enrolled her.
It saved my sanity.
Three days a week I would take Kate after school.
Her teacher was loud...and happy and upbeat and positive..
he irritated me a little.
But still...
I would sit and crochet.
She would run in circles..
and any time she exhibited the signs of disrespect towards Eric...her sensei...
he would call her on it..
"mom" he would yell...
"Yes."  I would say.
"Does she do this at home?"
Yes,  I would say...
he said "If she does it again, You tell me, and when she gets here...she can do pushups till she corrects her attitude."
The first time he said that, I felt a ton of weight lift off my shoulders.
He no longer irritated me. LOL.

I can't tell you how many times during that year I utilized the threat..
"Don't make me tell Eric."
She hated Eric.
But she didn't hate me.

Then Kate told me she didn't want me sitting through her classes...so I would drive around for 45 minutes till she got done.
one day...as I was driving up and down academy blvd with sophie in the back screaming her head off...I thought..."this isn't a life, it's a life sentence"..
I finally realized the depths of my unhappiness.
I sat trying to figure out the last time I was happy?

...The next class I sat through..
 I tried to figure out what Eric had that I didn't.
He seemed to be full of energy..
brimming over...always upbeat.
Then I realized that he had passion.
He loved what he was doing.
He believed in what he was doing.
and that propelled him through life.
It made people want to listen.
To be like him.
And then I looked at me.
And thought...when was the last time I was passionate about anything.
And it was in high school art class.
Then I realized that I didn't know what I liked.
What music.
I didn't listen to it anymore.
I didn't draw anymore.
I had no real friends.
my world had become a small circle of people who I never told anything to...I revealed nothing.
I admitted nothing.
I felt nothing.
Deep down, my thoughts were: "my life is over, I am here to facilitate the dreams of my children and my husband."
wow, right?

It was there in the middle of a self defense class for kids that I finally saw my spiritual state.
If I hadn't seen it and started to correct it..
I never would have been able to begin to fix my physical state.
All real change happens from the inside out.
So I knew..
I had to know at least one thing about myself.
So I picked  'what is my favorite color?'
And it took a while...
but it's swimming pool blue.
And so, one day...I painted my bedroom swimming pool blue.
My husband still thinks it was accidental.
but it wasn't.
It was me.

That was the beginning.

With Love,