My favorite motivational saying.....

Is "Do or do not, there is no try.'

I like this saying because when I heard it, it resonated with me. Words have power in our lives. They are the expression of ideas...of ideals....of hopes and dreams. Words have meaning. I know in our culture, words have been devalued...deconstructed. The expression of Ideas and Ideals are mocked as hokey, or idealistic pablum. Good, constructive, Words have the power of vision behind them. If you don't believe me, look at Martin Luther King Jr. Did he have the power to pass the civil rights act of 1964???? No. But he was a part of the impetus for that piece of legislation. His words..."I have a dream". It was a vision encapsulated in a phrase. His speech was a turning point in American History.
I believe words can create a mental image which can cause a change in perspective in an individual, to the extent that it can change their lives. It can change your mental framework.

Let's take my favorite motivational saying.
Do or do not: there is no try.
Seems pretty black and white, and it is. There is a reason for this.
Before, when I would attempt to lose weight...that's just what it was...an attempt. I would try.
Somedays when I would try, I would do well...and sometimes when I would try I would 'fail'.
I began to believe that there was some sort of magical thinking or action that would make me thin. I was tryyyyyyyyyyying. Yes, I was trying....I wasn't doing.
Do or Do not, there is no try.
Now I do. If I am on, I am on....it is a choice. If I am not on, I am not on. I do not try to fool myself anymore that I am trying and not succeeding. If I DECIDE to take a day off...I am being real and upfront about it. I know the choice to DO is right there. We all have things that help us along the path to getting better.
I have this phrase in puffy paint on the back of my exercise t-shirts. I have an occasional cheat day, I don't eat just fruits and veggies and lean meats. You see, perfectionism is what killed my wieght loss efforts in the past. I had to do things perfectly. If I wasn't perfect ( i.e. 1200 calories, no carbs, two hours of exercise etc) then the magic was broken.
I like occasional treats, If I eat a piece of chocolate, does that mean I am doomed to failure...heck no. If I over indulge on Thanksgiving am I then unable to DO ever again. NO. Every single day is a choice. There is no GOOD FOOD, or BAD FOOD. There is, as the bible says, things that are edifying and things that aren't. I am learning to make choices in a wide awake fashion. Learning to handle foods that previously led to binge behavior,is for me, a crucial step on the road to health. Learning to eat a cup or two of popcorn instead of 12 or 14 cups...for me, it's necessary. I need to redefine my relationship with my body and food. As I go along I am DOING that....not trying, doing.
What's your favorite motivational saying?


My Fear of Composite food....

I seem to lack the requisite skill to make my meals not only light and tasty but 'different' as well. I have meals I eat, I am a little afraid to make composite food. Since I am counting my calories down to the calorie, it is important that I not muff up my calories. So casseroles freak me out. I don't mind putting something on top of the meat as long as it is measured...but trying to figure out the calories in a cup of soup (unless it's precanned) is a nightmare. I eat a lot of meat and vegetables. I want to eat something different. I can just see myself at my mother in laws house quizzing her on the individual contents of whatever she has made and then just eating yogurt cause I can't figure it out....then she thinks I am stranger than she already thinks I am. No wonder skinny women are always in corners nibbling crackers....they know whats in a cracker.
Not to get off subject, but I am feeling sympathy where previously none existed. When my husband was on a team, there was this chick named heidi who was always making 'healthy' food.
She once brought muffins (which I thought looked pretty good). I was new to the team and so didn't understand why those muffins were just sitting there. Holly goes, "aren't any of you going to try my muffins"....So, I said "I will". Not missing the sideways glances of the other women who all chorused "oh no, thank you" or "I just ate"...or "I couldn't eat another thing'.
So I take a nice bite, and it was sawdust.
So while I am attempting to choke this down she says "Those are my carrot apple sauce muffins." I don't use any oil or egg...just carrots and applesauce...only 150 calories per muffin".
I smiled thinking....where can I spit this out....I swallowed...took the rest of that muffin and hid it in a fake rubber tree planter by the bathroom. Heidi was skinny and spent alot of time at the gym, this was her effort at providing something healthy. I have a feeling that someday I will be sitting at a party somewhere attempting to pass off marinated asparagus as 'really tasty' while the folks around me avoid me.
More asparagus for me.
Hope you all are have a great day. I have to get to bed early to help my daughter do a retro 80's hairstyle tommorrow morning. sorry ozone.


sunday shmunday

went to the gym blah blah blah...(insert last five gym workouts here). No weird gym guy, nothing too interesting. only four people in the cardio section. The cool thing was the windows facing out.. the gym is on an air force base and I got to watch the jets do touch and gos....they have to land (or almost land) and take off without landing..it's part of flight training...so the path was diagonal to the big windows.
I came home and was going to make myself some chicken and veggies...left the room long enough for my dog to eat my chicken. Sometimes I hate my dog. But you can't really expect less from a lab. My fault for leaving the chicken within reach....must have been the low blood sugar (my forgetting, not the dog eating). Got some different chicken and ate that instead.

Just ate 10 strawberries and honey...very tasty.

Read my youngest an epic tale of self centeredness....and then redemption...
It was a tale called "the day nobody shared". There were many travails...sleepy bear refused to share his spot with grumpy bear and fell asleep and missed the parade....share bear received rainbow bars but wanted to keep them all to himself. Tragic. In the end, Share bear shared his rainbow bars and learned that sharing things was the best thing of all.

That was my Sunday (minus laundry, dishes and other boring things ;)...)
Hope yours was good
Hope you shared,
Care a lot Chris


Just when You thought you posted....

you didn't. Um, I actually thought I wrote a post for today, but got so busy reading everyone else's blog, that I forgot to post. oops.
so, went to the gym, did an hour on the precor. Did some situps and some pushups.
The sit ups were easier than last week, progress.

Okay...couldn't let this one go by lol.
I love me some politics, and I love me some crazy.
So this little tidbit about a crazy politician at the UN made me laugh so hard I nearly p eed myself. Now I have to admit, I attempted to watch this speech in thirty second intervals...but finally gave up when crackpot dictator said ..."swine flu, maybe what we need is fish flu."
When I lived outside boston, there was a dude that would stand on the corner downtown and chant "chang kai check....chang kai check"...he was an old homeless chinese dude who wasn't down for the communist revolution...well, thats what Khadafy's speech reminded me of...I couldn't listen, I never stopped to think that some poor soul had to translate this crap until I popped onto drudge this morning and saw a blurb....this is what I read...

"After struggling to turn Khadafy’s insane
ramblings at the UN into English for 75 minutes, the Libyan dictator’s personal
interpreter got lost in translation.
"I just can’t take it any more,"
Khadafy’s interpreter shouted into the live microphone – in Arabic.
At that
point, the U.N.’s Arabic section chief, Rasha Ajalyaqeen, took over and
translated the final 20 minutes of the speech.
"His interpreter just
collapsed – this is the first time I have seen this in 25 years," another U.N.
Arabic interpreter told The Post."

All I have to say is this....feel better about your job.

Hope all is well with you guys....

Have a great night



hey everyone...this post was going to be 'the one with the pictures'...but I failed to plan, therefore planned to fail by failing to either recharge my camera's batteries or check the weather forecast. My camera didn't work and halfway into my walk it started to 'sprinkle'. The thing is...I don't mind a little rain, when it's 70 degrees. When it's about 40 degrees, I mind. It starts to 'sprinkle' about a mile from home. So I have a nonfunctioning (new) digital camera (in it's case). I am a notorious tightwad as well. No way I was going to ruin this camera when I have only taken one picture (*see profile photo). I decided my walk back should go a little quicker than my mile out, so I decided to jog. Now, anything over a brisk walk has not been attempted in years, except for about three weeks ago when I was late to a girl scout meeting. I got out of my van and RAN to the front door. I even remarked to my husband later that the running didn't feel awkward, it felt natural...not that i was inclined to repeat the experience, it was just something I noticed....
So, anyway...back to my walk, I picked up and started jogging, and it wasn't the jarring, floppy experience I had feared. It was a nice rolling experience, like my legs were powering me forward. The only part of my that objected was my heart and lungs...who said WTF?!?
But I would say I jogged about .4 of that mile today. I was sweating and heaving after each little bit, but I could almost remember what it felt like to be in first run group in basic. Almost like your flying. I would say fifty pounds from now I will be running that three miles. I also did something pretty big for me. I have cut back to one cup of coffee a day. In all honesty, this should be a post all on it's own. I think I personally have kept at least one columbian bean picker employed lo these many years. Sorry pablo.
Well, looking forward to the day when I 'don't drink coffee' and I run 'for fun'.
Have a great day.


My first blog award....

Thank you Jo 282.5.... you can go here to view Jo's Blog.
Now from what I understand, I am supposed to write
10 things about me that 'nobody knows'.
So I did:

1. My favorite artist is Andrew wyeth. This is important because I think that the art you love says alot about you. I think Andrew wyeth is one of the great American painters and doesn't get nearly enough credit for painting things in a straight on fashion and allowing you to view the scenes he paints through the prism of your own experiences. This is why I loathe Thomas Kinkaid, he sold his artistic soul for a dollar bill.

2. I was a toaist for a year. When I lived in Germany, I spent alot of time studying different religions and questioning the faith in which i was raised. I liked taoism because it seemed to say the obvious from a sort of inverted perspective. I kept on with it until I realized that taoism is just proverbs in a slightly different form. So much for enlightenment...lol.

3. I have insomnia. I have had insomnia since about the age of 12. I used to go days at a time without sleep. I would just lie in bed with my eyes closed and listen to music. I once knew, by heart, the lyrics to nearly 2000 songs. I even wrote them down in a notebook. This was while I was flunking algebra in high school....goes to show how I was putting my brain cells to use. These days I pop two unisom and go to sleep.

4. My older brother ran away from home when I was 14 and he was 17. I watched him steal my mom's car. I not only watched him, I begged him to take me with him. He said no. I never told my mom that I saw him leave. She got her car back. But he went to prison two years later for running cocaine from mexico to texas. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would have woke my mom up and told her. I understood why he left. I wanted to leave too.
5. In my head, when I think of myself....I think of myself first and foremost as an artist. It isn't really a seperate part of me, it's more like who I am.

6. I think kids should be encouraged to find out who THEY ARE. I don't think parents should attempt to relive their own lives through their children. I think kids need to be accorded the same dignity we would give adults. They need to be listened to and answered honestly. I don't believe in hiding the world from my kids, I do believe in giving them a set of principles to help guide them through life. All the while respecting them for the unique individuals they are.
7. On a similar note, there is a reason I think everything through thoroughly.
I watched my mom hop from relationship to relationship. My brothers and I all have different dads. There were many times I was either told, or it was inferred, that I was a mistake. I vowed to myself that when I had children, I was going to plan them and I was going to want them, and that they would know they were wanted, and loved, and valued, every day of their lives. I have gone to great lengths to keep my family intact and to keep that vow. Don't have kids unless you are willing to create a good environment for them, even at great personal cost. As their parent you owe them that. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear someone whine...".my kids stole my youth" Whenever I hear this, I automatically know that that parent has probably stolen their kids' childhood.

8. I want to learn to play the piano. I think it is the most beautiful instrument.

9. I love it when men open doors for me, and treat me like a lady.
10. I want to learn the paso doble...from a spaniard
One of my favorite movies, and one of my favorite scenes:
It is:
The difference between the 'holy land experience" and actually going to the holy land.
The difference between mocklate and chocolate.
The difference between turkey and tofurkey... Coke classic or new coke...sugar and splenda...making love or just sex.
Huge difference.
When it's real, it's real.
Now I have to pick 10 bloggers that I think this bloggie applies to....okay,
First one is easy
1.) Karen-Fitcetra
and then:
2.) Amber-Faith love kids and me
3.) Tony posnanski (anitjared)
4.) Monica-confessions of a plus sized girl
5.) Carlos (natch) from your gonna need a bigger boat
6.) Hanli- fertilehealthy
7.) losing it in vegas
8.) Lisa aka less of lisa aka losing with lisa
9.) super sqaured from my big fat super, super obese blog
10.)Stephen-from who ate my blog.
Every time I read their blogs, I consistently see the struggles and triumphs. They are usually brutally honest, and I appreciate that.
There are more, but I can only pick ten....so it goes lol....NOw I have to notify them.
Thank you Joe. Honesty is a trait I prize highly.
Hope all goes well with your guys.
Talk to you later,


Day 2 at the No Weigh Inn....


Went and worked out on MY precor. I say my, because when I showed up at the gym it was taken by an interloper with a bad frost job. I bided my time on the elliptical (felt like walking on mush), when she got off (finally..) I was over there in a heart beat...minutes later I was pounding away. I'm not sure I like the elliptical. Then again, it could be an acquired taste. It's like showing up thinking your going to be dating Christian Bale, then in walks Gabriel Byrne, I would by no means be disappointed...but it's a different vibe. One young and exciting, the other low key and mysterious.

see inset:

Christian............... Gabe..............
As you can see, I have a type....
Neither are bad, just different. And so I believe it is for the precor and the elliptical.
One is young and exciting...the other, low key and mysterious.
(you know this was just an excuse for some eye candy for the ladies).
So, got my workout in and did my pushups and situps. For some reason the situps are harder than the pushups. It used to be the other way around.
I can pop out 36 modified pushups.
But can only do 30 crunchies (feet not under anything).
Hope all is well in your worlds.
Talk at you later,


Groundhog day

I got up this morning and didn't feel like doing anything. So, I dieted and exercised anyway. One day you feel great- the next day, blah.
I decided to go for a 3 mile walk. It was gloomy and overcast, which I kind of liked. No mosquitos- finally. I have decided to just eat 1600 calories and exercise one hour a day, six days a week. I am going to weigh myself on October 18th and see what those calories and that amount of exercise achieved. Kind of like a science experiment. I put the scale away for exactly the reason why 'new me' in her comment on my last post, had a slight issue with my bad attitude regarding the amount of weight I lost. I was somehow glomming on to the idea that 11 lbs a month was "slow". It isn't. She's right. I think the daily weigh in was creating a sense of urgency that just shouldn't be there. This isn't a contest.
I am going to be eating this way...exercising this way...for the
Somedays I feel really good about it, I am not being deprived. Occasionally I can have a treat.
Other days I feel a bit like I am in perpetual pergatory, kind of like bill murray in Ground hog day. On the upside of that movie...He learned some very important lessons.
Where's Jack's blog, I need a laugh.
On the upside, I have a camera, so I can start posting some pictures.
Hope you all stuck to your plan.


all u can eat....meh!

Well, today was supposed to be my higher calorie day. Only, it didn't turn out that way. I ate a big breakfast (3 eggs and 1 and 1/2 peices of toast). Then I wasn't hungry till about dinner. I had a small bag of chips (280 calories- I know, I know horrendous nutritionally, it is my day off though) For dinner I wanted to go to 3 margeritas and have a spinach enchilada with coleslaw. My family wanted the golden corral. So we went. I had a salad, sesame chicken and two rolls. I didn't finish the salad and I only ate one and a half rolls. I had a root beer, but only drank 1/4 before pawning it off on my husband. I tried to eat a coconut cream tart but got one bite down before i quit trying. None of it tasted as good as I thought it would. I maybe managed to get down 800 calories. All told today I have eaten 1460 calories.
When I left I felt ucky because of the grease in the sesame chicken. I went home and it was oh...6:56, I realized that I still had time to go to the gym. So I am running around as fast as I can and I realized that the happy, excited feeling was the same feeling I USED to get before going to an all you can eat buffet.
I realized I would rather go to the gym than eat.
I was so happy I almost cried. On the way to the gym I tried thinking of a food, any food that I wanted more than I wanted to lose weight...and I couldn't think of a single one. Not cheese cake, not fried chicken, not cheese curds....not even popcorn...my all time favorite. Nothing beats the feeling I get when I know I am winning. When I work out for an hour and can do thirty pushups.
I am no longer sittiing on the couch feeling nothing, numbing all my pain with food. I am out there doing what I have been dreaming of doing for years. I am creating my future. I am controlling my body. It doesn't control me.
I am a girl scout troop leader. I NEVER would have volunteered for something like this before.
Man, I had a good day.
How was yours? A winner, I hope.

Weigh in day

Hello all,
Well, stepped on the scale this morning. It says I weigh 218 lbs. So for a four month total thats 44 lbs. (on average 11 lbs per month)
This means I am 1/3 of my way to goal.
I have made an executive decision. I am putting my scale away till October 18th. I am going to continue to exercise and eat correctly, but I am not going to step on the scale because I have to remember that it comes off slowly.
I am not going to step on the scale and see 132 lbs anytime soon.
So, For the next month I will post everything but my weight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Will write a longer post later.


Nothing like a true song...

I love music and this is for those are there that are struggling with more than just weight...

Verse 1:
Someone once told me
that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't cha take chancesMight feel the pain
Don't cha love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy But safe as could be

Chorus:So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Verse 2:
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
All these days i feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
Watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So and it's just that i can't see
Become a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy


brownies, brownies, brownies....

oh, not the food....my girl scout troop. They are such sweet kids. We learned about animals for our animal try it and my oldest daughter (who wants to be a zoologist) answered all sorts of questions. Then we did animal charades...which was the most fun. I have one little girl who was too shy to participate last time, this time was on the ground acting like a rattlesnake. Another girl who is usually bouncing off the walls really knew her stuff with animal facts. It was nice to be able to tell her what a good job she was doing instead of correcting her when she jumped off tables. Well, Next meeting is this saturday at the fine arts center....

Weight loss, pretty good.

ate yogurt, peaches and honey.

had a mango orange banana smoothie for lunch (with protien powder)

then had turkey sausage, green peppers and mushrooms.
All told 1340 calories today.
It is the workouts that are pushing my calorie intake..... wasn't hungry at all today.
On September 18th, it will be 4 months since I started this journey. I will post the weight I find on the scale then.
Hope all is well with you guys.


Note to self...relax...self.

Hi folks,
Did my workout at the gym, I am a creature of habit so I did the same workout I've been doing. When it stops working, I'll shake it up. I have been eating a little more over the last week, around 1650 to 1700 cause I am hungry. I think the intensity of the workouts may have increased my appetite. Not sure whether to either cut back on the workouts or what. Guess If I am burning it off, no big diff. I think I just need to make sure the calories I consumed while just walking and eating around 1550 is offset by the precor and the 480 calories an hour I am burning...I will have to do the calculations. Or, I could wait a week and see what the scale says, unless I am building muscle, which would throw that off....(insert silent scream here). Maybe I should put my scale up, wait three to four weeks, take it back out and see what happens. Maybe I should take my scale, paint it in multi colors....step on it and record the numbers in free verse on my blog and think of it as a piece of living art. Or, I could simply shoot the scale and put us both out of our misery. What say you?

Maybe I should NOT WORRY SO MUCH. Heck, I didn't get fat eating 1700 calories a day, and exercising 1.5 hours a day, six days a week. Honestly.

So, How are all of you. Hope you guys are doing great with everything and crazy hasn't lodged in your brain. I do this, I get ahead of myself. This many pounds by this date, blah, blah, blah. One pound at a time. I need that tattoo-ed on the inside of my eyelids. I mostly want to lose weight (or most of it...or all of it...by next July cause I am headed back to michigan to see my family) Its good to have goals, but I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't for next July, it's for a lifetime. I will remember if you will.


ahhh, the gym

yep, back at it today...an hour on the precor as usual. But burned 480 today cause I went longer with the tension and such. The machine next to me was down and I must have had 20 people come by, climb on then see the sign. The things that amuse me are endless. I felt pretty good, can't blog long cause I have to work out the next few girl scout meetings and plus up my plans for homeschool. Won't be able to make my blog rounds tonight. Hope everyone out there is doing great.

And to pile on the bandwagon...Kanye west is indeed a world class d bag. You can put whatever you want in there and it will be fine by me. I didn't watch the vma's, I don't watch much but news....but I couldn't miss it on the news today. I think the level of vainglory and self absorption has reached a tipping point with this guy. He's lucky it wasn't me. I would have clocked him in his big. fat. gob.

Talk at you later,


something real...part 3

Today I ran into someone I hadn't seen in over 10 years. I was getting water at the px and then I turn around and bam! There he was. It was a guy that used to be on my husbands team back at Ft. Devens in Massachussettes. They were a couple we had hung out with for three years solid, we really were the best of friends. Then we moved to germany, they stayed here and their marriage fell apart. I knew this guy thought I had something to do with his wife ditching him. But to tell the truth, it was the opposite. In reality, My friend ended up doing things that made me blush. I wanted their marriage to work because in a way, watching the end of someone else's marriage is alot like watching the potential end of yours. The last time I talked to this guy, he had called me, drunk, at two in the morning begging me to tell my friend to take him back. I told him that it wouldn't do any good, that she had made up her mind. He said some bad things, then hung up. If I had the magic words back then to put back together a marriage that had been torn apart on both sides, for the sake of their three kids, I would have. I couldn't do it and neither could they. I was as close as a sister to her back then. Him I couldn't stand because of the way he had treated her. In the end she acted like he had, and that's what he couldn't take. As I stood there looking at him today, older, grayer. He seemed smaller to me. Less of an *ss. His second marriage is failing, his father is ill, his son is acting up. I realized finally that we are all just humans, doing the best we can everyday. I tried to call my old friend a while back, but when I talked to her, I realized that we just weren't the same. Something was missing. The magic key that had made us so close, it was gone. I don't think it was so much her as it is me.
He asked me if I had talked to her. I told him I had,but that she was different, or I was different. He made a bitter remark about ex's and how they 'change'. I just kept looking at him. I felt so sad for some reason. He kept commenting on how my oldest reminded him of my husband, how she held herself, how she talks.
When your young, your invincible. You think the world is just laid out before you for the taking. You take life for granted. You don't think you'll compromise or become one of 'them'. When you get older you realize that you aren't infallable. That people aren't perfect, there is no 'normal'. One day your eighteen and are never getting married, your going to be an artist. The next your thirty five, and have two kids, live in a suburb and drive a minivan. You haven't picked up a paint brush in years and your kids are talking about 'how they are never going to be like you'. They are going to do exciting things. My mom used to tell me that I had to be realistic, I tell mine "I hope so". What they don't realize yet is that life will throw them enough excitement without them ever having to look for it. That is the essence of this beautiful thing called life. That wherever you are standing on the road, you may think you can see around that curve, but you can't. Ten years ago, I thought I had a forever friend, that I would never see my brother develop a terminal illness, that america was a safe harbor from the chaos of the rest of the world. I never thought I would sit through multiple deployments, that I would be one of the women who watched my husband go off to war, four times. Now I know what my grandma meant when she would say to me "you're so young'. I look at my kids and see their confidence in the paths they are going to take, they can't see what's coming, they don't know how life will test them. I see that and think, "you're so young". Maybe someday, God willing, I will say that to my Grandchildren.
Today part of me wished there was a rewind button. That I could go back to that night, and tell him "Get down on your knees and beg". Maybe, just maybe that would have saved it. All I know is that some things are worth fighting for and some things, when they are gone, they are gone forever. Look for what you want, what's really important, and fight for it. What you do have, enjoy it. Wallow in it. Don't take it for granted because someday,it is going to be gone. That time is long ago and far away, but I do have wonderful memories that I can take with me. Along with experience and regret. But such is life. This song is for you young dreamers, the first time I heard this song I cried, because it tells the story of young love better then anything else I've heard.


It starts with a 1

That my friends, would be my pants size. I bought a pair of size eighteens (from goodwill) about two weeks ago, thinking I would fit into them in a month or so. Well, today I thought I would try both pairs on to see how they fit. The first pair went on and buttoned but wouldn't zip 0.O.... The second pair did all three, I was so psyched I called my mom then went next door to tell my friend. I haven't worn a pair of pants with a one in the front since I was pregnant with my youngest. I just took to wearing 'stretchy' pants. When I started I was wearing a 24. Now, when I sit, the eighteens are a little tight...so I have room for improvement. Next stop, sixteens.

Okay, so I went to the gym for the second day in a row. I thought it would be packed because it's a saturday. NOt so, it was barren. I could have skipped merrily down the row....five minutes on precor, five on treadmill and five on stairstepper...etc. But, just stuck to the precor and did one hour and burned 440 calories. I kept my calories today to about 1550. I weighed in this morning at 218. This was the weight I bailed on last time I tried to lose weight. I went from 239 to 218 or 19. Then I quit. Not this time. Today I felt like I was on fire. I sweated through my t-shirt. My oldest daughter said I looked shorter, or like I am shrinking. I told her i was probably losing fat off the bottom of my feet. Of course my oldest is 5'8. I'll be back in the gym tommorrow tearing it up. I plan on working out in the gym from now on unless I absolutely can't. I saw up front that they have a sign up for a zumba class on the 17th of september, I think I might try it,,,it looks like a lot of fun. Has anyone out there tried it? I hope you all are tearing it up too.


In honor of the fallen

Not my work, but they are my sentiments.

We will never forget.


Self Help? Help yourself!

Well, today was my day off of working out. I switched it to wednesdays cause I have my GS troop meetings then and won't have time. I went back to the gym on Tuesday. Weird Gym guy was there but didn't seem to do much but pace back and forth between the precors, ellipticals and treadmills. Maybe that IS what he does...kind of an homage to cardio equipment. Go figure. Either that or he has a really short attention span.
So, I think I mentioned before that I am a wee.bit.competitive. Not "stopped at a red light, lets race" competitive. More of a "Some skinny Nimrod hopped on the precor next to me, sneered in my general direction, as if to say 'this is how it's done' fatty, and then proceeded to pedal like a rat on crack" competitive. I couldn't let this pass. I had been going for twenty minutes at a moderate pace...somewhere around 120 evs per minute. Well, looking at him, i figured I could take him. So I gave R.O.C (rat on crack) a minute to settle in, then I matched him....for ten minutes....until R.O.C decided my cardio conditioning was indeed superior. He hopped off, looked at me real quick like icantbelieveitwheresmycigarettes...and took himself hence. I then dropped back down to my moderate pace and continued unhindered. I don't get testy as long as people don't get superior. I have been doing a good amount of cardio for four months now. I may be fat, but I've got plenty of wind.
So, my title...I figured I would put all that money I spent on self help books to use by instituting a little thing I'll call Self Help for Suckers. I will be giving you dear reader...for free, Obvious advice I paid good money for:
SHFS....installment 1
Use I statements.
This one is a classic. It's in almost every self help book out there. According to these men and women of genuis, using I statements lets the other person off the hook, that way they don't feel like your blaming them.
Your supposed to say things like: I feel hurt when you call me a slob...etc.
Things your not supposed to say: I loathe you...or I want a divorce....or I will get you a six pack later if you will just quit throwing up on the couch... Or the classic...I...I...I....(can substitute me...me...me...in case of dire narcissism.)
Self Help Tip Number 1
Use I Statements.
Hope you all are on target and using your I statements,


Weigh In!!!

Well, stepped on the scale this morning and saw something like 222 staring at me for the second day in a row. So, I figured it's official and that I would post it. That's 40.4 lbs. Or about 1/3 of my way to goal.
Anybody reading my blog in the last week knows this is big for me. It's strange how you can feel like your in a pit, then today I felt awesome. Not because of the weight, but because I walked 3.5 miles in about an hour and twenty minutes and felt great doing it. I just felt better mentally and every which way today. I had yogurt with peaches and honey for breakfast, a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch and chicken and asparagus (about 20 spears) for dinner. It was a good day and I kept my calories at about 1500 . I made it through my first really bad pit and came out the other side still on track. That is huge. I know there will be more, but having gone through this one and to still keep trucking is a big victory.
okay, so....forty pounds = 140,000 calories....holy crap. (just did that on my handy dandy computer calculator. 1 lb, 40 times. Happy dance. I have been going at this now for about oh....three months and three weeks. Less than four months...on average 10 lbs a month. the majority of that time was 1700 calorie days and two to three mile walks five to six days a week. NOt hugely fast walks either, about 3 mph. So, anybody reading this, if you want to lose thirty to forty pounds in the next three to four months, you can do it too. Okay?!
Hope everyone is on target with their goals.
p.s Maybe it's all the old soap clips I've been watching, but I am feeling romantic, and I think this is the most romantic song...just about ever.


acting vs. reacting

So, after sitting down and thinking a bit, I realized that I have to do something in regards to letting go of My baggage. I think alot of us carry baggage and we may not even realize it. But when we don't deal with the emotional issues behind our eating, it leads to things like binging. Or for others, alcohol or drug abuse (trying to numb pain), cutting (trying to feel pain, or anything), promiscuity (trying to feel loved), acting out to get attention (trying to stem loneliness)or shutting people out so they don't get hurt (ahem....guilty). None of these are acceptable by societies standards, none of these are 'Good things to Do".
Somehow in our society, we have set up a hierarchy of acceptable vices. Shopping (filling a void), being thin to the point of emaciation (anorexia) (wants control over SOMETHING, the weight it is), watching T.V. and playing video games for hours (leaving the life you inhabit for a while), excessive people pleasing (fear of not being liked), acquiring as much wealth as one can stuff in (this is about control, and filling a void and the need to feel safe)...In America, these are all acceptable outlets for past pain. All of these things are symptoms of some problem or other. But society doesn't deal with them as such. I think this is why some overweight people go from obese to anorexic, it's just a more socially acceptable form of self immolation. But, in the end...it didn't solve the weight problem, it just created a new one.
What I am talking about here is acting vs. reacting.
I don't know about you, but I think I can count on one hand the number of times that I have acted deliberately to change my life. 1.) I chose to get married 2.) I chose to have children 3.) I chose to home school my kids 4.) I chose to lose weight.
Joining the army was a result of having no other plan, or way out of where I was living.
Almost everything else in my life has been a reaction to someone Else's actions.
Going to college for me wasn't a quest for self improvement, it was a reaction to a deteriorating marriage and my need to make sure I could take care of myself. It was fear based, not a rational decision. The rational decision would have been to work on my marriage. Now I am stuck with student loans and no degree to speak of. (Now this did help me with math for my oldest.) They say education is never wasted but that isn't the point, the point is: How many of my decisions, and your decisions, are based in action instead of reaction? Are you charting your own course or are you letting others chart it for you? Sometimes there are no choices or very limited ones, I understand that. I've been there on numerous occasions. The only other self help book I would recommend besides the bible, is the seven habits of highly effective people. It's all about being proactive and thinking things through, running your life or instead of having it run you.
That is why weight loss is so hard. Every single thing we do throughout the day requires us to act in a new way, instead of react in the old way. Every bite of food is a deliberate act. Every walk or exercise time is a deliberate act of the will. Think of it as driving down the highway of life at eighty and then trying to turn on a dime and go in a new direction...not a highway, but a choked over lane with downed trees, ruts, and wrong turns, along with mislabeled road signs. The highway is easy, we have been there before...this lane is ridiculous, what we don't see is at the end of that road is a new highway with alot better scenery. All along that lane you will have people either cheering you on, or telling you that you can't do it, some will change the signs and misdirect you, others will hand you a map. The great thing about this lane is that you have slowed down long enough to be able to tell whether or not the people you thought were cheering you on were waiving or flipping you the bird.
My first action last night was to decide to write one last letter to hwsnbn. I wrote one about eight years ago, I lanced a bunch of boils with that letter. It was an angry, condemning, nasty letter. Any you bet your sweet bippy I felt awesome after I wrote it. It let out of lot of pain. I finally got to answer back. Now I need to write a letter forgiving him. And trust me, he doesn't feel sorry. I am doing this for me. It's time to set down my self righteous anger, accept that I can't change my past, accept that he will never feel sorry and realize I don't need him to. I am not sure how I will feel afterwards, this is a heck of alot more ambiguous than hate mail. But it's a good first step, and it's an action instead of a reaction.
I hope you all had a great day. I love to read your comments and love to hear your ideas, or just feelings. I hope you all are doing really well and that your acting, not reacting.


Chris:1 Mindscrew:0

Hello, back from the pit and ready to go. I spent three hours tonight riding around and passing by burger joints, mexican restaurants and chinese takeout,making deals with myself. Eat and you can start again tomorrow. Just this once, medicate yourself with food. Then I would say , "No, pass it up there will be another one". Finally I talked myself into going home by saying, "you can have whatever you want, but you are going to have to cook it yourself". I got home and said to my husband, "I am going on a walk." I walked three miles, in the dark, to the end of our road and back. I didn't take a knife, just my tennis shoes. I came home and ate a meal within my calorie budget. This last week would have been the sort of thing, in the past, that would have put my diet and exercise into a death spiral. The night after I wrote about working in that caboose and figuring out that it wasn't really my home and those choices weren't my choices triggered all these memories. I couldn't sleep because they would flood back in when I closed my eyes. Screaming and the whole nine yards. I ignored my childhood for the most part...the bad parts anyway. I think to get healthy, I am going to have to face things and deal with them. I have really been digging through stuff in the last four months. The Pain is in Layers, and it isn't always nicely packaged. Patty said that two emotions can't occupy the same space, it may be true...but I think they can follow heel to toe, so to speak. Like, when I had my kids I loved them immediately and unconditionally, right on the heels of that was anger at how I was raised. How could someone who loves their child treat their child like dirt? Didn't that make them a bad person? If my mom was a bad person for letting it happen, how can I still love and respect her? Well, people aren't all black and white. That's how.

I don't know how many of you have ever cleaned out a chicken coup. A really bad one that has built up a while and has a nice hard crust on it. It doesn't stink too bad until you chip beneath the surface. Boy howdy, then it stinks....and it doesn't stop stinking till you clean it all up and hit dirt. Well, When I stopped using food and had to start dealing with my feelings, things started to stink. Where I am right now is where I used to quit. Too much, Too hard, Too painful. Cover it back up and let it harden back down. Add a few more layers (pounds). It makes it that much harder to hit paydirt. It was alot easier saying that about my mom to people I don't have to look in the eye, than it would have been to people I know and love. It would have been too much. I don't want to see pity or something. Saying it is like lancing a boil. It lets the poison of silence out. I am tired of letting things eat me from the inside out. Those weren't my actions, they weren't my choices. The only thing I really have is now, my husband and my kids and what I make of the rest of my life. I can't undo anything, I am who I am. I can learn from other's mistakes, I can choose to forgive, I can choose to do the things that scare me. It really all ends up at paydirt. Goal weight. That is when I will have cleaned most of the crap out. Then it's all maintenance, keeping the crap off. Making choices about who and what I want in my life, who I really am and how I want to live. For those of us that have been stuck in a mental and physical rut that we not only carved,but had carved for us...the idea of creating something out of whole cloth seems daunting. It feels like a mountain sometimes ( or a crap packed chicken coop) . One step, one reach, one truth, one layer, one pound at a time.
Chris p.s. I am thinking I like this queen song and will make it my weightloss anthem. It rocks.

boy have I been p*ssed

Well, I wrote what I wrote yesterday. After I wrote it I dreamed that I was going to show what I wrote to my kids, I went into this house and it was empty except for these blinds that were all over the place, I opened them and they had the word truth written on them. I will think about that more later. It seemed pretty straight forward so it shouldn't take too much thought. I woke up feeling tired again, even though I 'got enough' sleep. I didn't eat my way through anything so that was a plus. I did sit upstairs for six hours watching old soap clips on youtube. So, I was sitting downstairs this morning watching project runway on Bravo (free preview this month) and it dawned on me, what I thought was depression is really just anger. I have been angry for years. I always knew church was good for me, it kept my thoughts straight. It kept me moving forward, gave me words to live by, gave me a good father figure. I just never realized how much of my time spent going to church was a release valve for my anger. I used to eat to feel calm. I can't do that anymore. I used to draw, I don't do that anymore. Half the time I listen to talk radio which doesn't calm anyone down. I love music, think I will do more of that. Letting go of my eating crutch has caused a glitch in the system. So now, I have to deal with my ANGER. (says the hulk). Process it and let it go.
Now I know what my husband was talking about, you see he had a kind of similar background in that his childhood was no walk in the park. Not the same physical abuse, but not so great on the consistency front etc. He had alot of residual anger. We both used it to motivate us to do better, to provide a good home for our kids, keep our marriage together even when the going got rough. We both said "we aren't going to do that to our kids, we are going to make it". He turned to alcohol and I turned to food. He gave his alcohol up three years ago, me, I gave up food about four months ago. We kept it from the kids, his drinking took place away from home. As you can imagine, I can't even stand the smell of alcohol. He knew better than to drink in front of me. I have to find something else for a release valve. I like to read. Now I am just thinking while I am typing. I guess this is a process. I guess I am just p*ssed that I have to learn how to handle emotions and crap at 35 years of age. This is exactly the sort of thing your parents are supposed to teach you. Which is who I am pissed at and whom I am forgiving. Apparently, I am going to have to do this daily. I am a smart cookie, I can figure this out...how to handle emotions appropriately. I probably have a self help book all about it....lmao. All that time I was eating everything, I thought I was the most even keeled person. I think that maybe everybody has something they do to rebalance. How about this guys: You tell me what you do and I will give it a go. Can't hurt.
Have a good day,



well, I went to the gym....I spent over an hour of my life there today. First I went in, got on an elliptical that I couldn't seem to turn on, so I ditched it and went in search of a similar looking machine. I ended up on something called a precor efx. Kind of a strange lovechild of an elliptical and a stair stepper. So up I go. Can't figure out how to program anything in so just fiddled until I got it to go. I managed to change tension once and elevation twice. I however, was on a machine next to the energizer bunny of precor elliptical/stairstepper thingies. She was goin' like a bat out of h*ll. I went a more moderate pace. So anyhoo. THere is this strange older gentlemen who kept switching machines, and everytime he did he would pass by my exercise buddy and make these little up and down movements with his hands and say "boy, your really tearing it up'. I found him vaguely creepy. Is there one in every gym, or is he just special. So, I did that for thirty minutes and then hopped on to a treadmill for another thirty. I want to get in at least one hour of cardio while I am there. Well, next to me hops these two kids who decide they are going to do sprints on the treadmill, so they sprint for a minute, then stop, sprint, stop. All the while I am looking out the window at a very nice track thinking, wouldn't it be less limb threatening to sprint on a non moving surface....just a thought. Then after cardio, I did thirty crunches and thirty modified pushups (wiht correct form...very important). That was my trip to the gym. I will be doing that on Tuesdays and thursdays till the end of September. The other four days I will continue with my walking. Will record weight updates as it becomes pertinent. Hope everyone did well and had a great day. Calories in 1561.