I burned my first pair of fat pants

Hey, Well...haven't posted in two or three days. I took my walk today, 1,8 miles. I wore another hole in the back of my right heel instead of my left this time. A bandaid took care of it. Right now there is a lightening storm outside. I haven't seen one like this since we lived in massachussettes. I am under my calories today. I don't feel like being clever or witty. I have been cleaning for two days, and I have a weigh in on wednesday. I have really been knocking it out and staying op. Some days I feel like I have been doing this forever, and some days I know I have barely even scratched the surface. Tonight I took my size 24 pants, which are now too large to wear, out back and put them in the burn barrel and lit them up. My eight year old daughter was with me and she asked me why I was burning them, I told her it was a symbol of my commitment to never get that big again. Then my teenager piped up with the whole "I don't believe in symbolism' argument. At this stage in the game, she argues about everything. she's fifteen. My youngest then said "Goodbye pants, Good bye fat". Talk about getting symbolism.
So I say the same. "Good bye pants, Good bye fat".


Funny Fridays

Okay, something that makes my die laughing every time I watch it....It's the Thanksgiving Turkey drop from wkrp in Cincinatti. Here's the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iafzqOCaxA4. And here is Mr. Carlson explaining why he thought it was a good idea. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iafzqOCaxA4

Did my two miler and kept my calories to 1760....have a good night.


fighting my "self"

Man, last night I had a dream where I kept eating and eating. In my dream I kept saying "self, stop eating". Self didn't listen. I woke up ( and felt great relief that I hadn't ACTUALLY ate any of that) and man did I want to eat today. I ended up at 1800 calories. I can't do that too much or i won't make much progress. Technically it's in my calorie range, but not my ideal. It could have been much, much worse though. Here are some of my self destructive thought patterns for the day.
1.) I will just take today off, and climb back on tomorrow. (we all know this one, it usually precedes a week long binge in which the 12.4 lbs you managed to whittle off your fat frame leaps back on at an amazing pace.)
2.) I don't want to walk today, it's too hot. (This one won until 8 o clock at night, it had cooled considerably and my little excuse was no longer true. Whatever else I am, I am a truth teller. I did only one mile. I am committing myself to two tommorrow, even if the sun tears my hide off....current weather prediction tommorrow...88 degrees, ugh)
3.) I will just try 'eating healthy'. I believe this little thought pattern is what bumped me off Atkins after about four months and 30 lbs. I was once down to 215. Eating healthy is usually and slowly replaced with "eating everything'. Just sayin'.
4.) Yesterdays walk-halfway through. My stinking thinking was in high gear. thoughts include "you idiot, how did you ever let yourself get so fat". Or, "Everybody who is driving by is probably thinking I look like a fat pig." and "Isn't it laughable really, the walking that turns me beat red is this teenagers normal pace'.

I actually had to say to myself; "Self, talking to yourself this way isn't going to do you any good whatsoever. Bad talk is what got you where you are, and at least you are doing something about it now. You are taking control of your future. This is all one day at a time."
And then I thought about all of that positive self talk, and what should pop into my head but Jack Sh*t's gettin fit blog....namely his June 17th "how to stop being a wally whiny britches blog.....and this little quote...."Try a daily affirmation, such as “Affirmations aren’t really as stupid and silly as I think they are.”
Then I laughed hard and stopped feeling sorry for myself.

On the up side, I bought myself a water bottle which is rather spiffy. It has an open hole and a locking cap, along with a counter ring to tell how many bottles you have drunk today. Pretty awesome. Well, tomorrow is another day. Hope everyone is doing really well with whatever challenges your taking on.
God Bless and hugs,


missouri 60 challenge

Hey all,

Well Monday was the first day of my missouri 60 challenge. I walked 1.5 miles Monday and 2 miles yesterday. But since part of this challenge is posting your beginning photo:

So here goes: Me at 249.8 On june 22nd. Will post more later.


First best Today & Inspiration

Well, enough moping about my childhood. Something happy. Today I was standing at the sink and my little girl came up to me and said "You are the best mom in the whole world and I love you'. At that moment I realized that I had already created a "top of the heap' moment. My kids love me and I am the only mother they will have. They have been my number one priority since the day they were born, and in many ways (although I am absolutely doing this for me) I am also doing this for them. So, enough of that...God always has a way of righting the ship. Tommorrow I weigh in at my neighbors house. I will be taking a photo and uploading it. I am doing this because I have signed onto the anti jared's sixty day challenge. I know he has a lot of challenges you could possibly do, but alot of the work, personal work has already been done. There was just one last thing I had to take care of with the way one particular person chooses to communicate. I have taken care of that now. Onward and upward. I am all about the physical this year. I walked 1.8 miles today, have some residual issues with the head cold, but nothing that is going to impede me in any way. I do believe my Friend AK is on the brink of doing this as well. I feel calling her out in my blog is a fair push...lol. My big deal will not be doing so much differently, but really sticking to my program of counting calories and exercising consistantly, and continuing to draw firm boundaries regarding how others communicate their feelings to me. That Is what I am doing. I do believe this was how long boot camp was in the army. How appropo. Luckily, this time I won't be in the middle of podunk south carolina in 100 degree heat with 90% humidity while I get three hours of sleep a night only to awake to complete strangers screaming at me. (I did lose some weight though ;p ) .
Any who, this IS SUNDAY. Inspiration sunday. This week my Inspiration is Ruby Gettinger. She has a show on the style network. Ruby is trying to lose alot of weight. She started at around 500 lbs. She has a great attitude, and if you want to read more about her you can go to her website.

Sometimes when I think about HOW MUCH weight I have to lose, (like when I first stepped on the scale at 262), It was Ruby who popped into my head. I thought, Ruby would give her right eye to be at this weight right now, who am I to complain. Just get moving. I hope she helps you all have patience.

Well, God bless and Hugs,



Second Best....

It's late here and I will be getting to bed soon. I just wanted to Blog about something that has been bothering me lately. Almost all my life I have felt second best. Second best wife, second best friend, second best daughter. Never have I ever felt top of the heap. You know...one of those lucky people who just seem to shine. A person everyone loves and wants to be around. Eventually I say something a little too truthful, or blunt, or strange and bam...that's it. Relegated to second rung. In high school, my friend asked me what I thought of her boyfriend. I told her what I knew to be facts, I told her...the truth. I didn't tell her the truth to hurt her, I never do...I told her because I really cared that she was going to get hurt... whoops. We didn't talk for the rest of the year and into the next...that is until her boyfriend got what he came for and did what i said he would. Then we talked. I say this not to elicit pity, but to explain part of the reason I gained weight. Maybe some of you can relate.

It comes from always expecting and always ACCEPTING second best. I never expect people to want to be friends, because secretly, (now not so secretly) I feel second best. I allow people I love and who supposedly love me to talk to me in ways that are quite atrocious. I act like I have a thick skin, but really, I don't. I feel slights, hurts and derision as much as the next person. I just had years of practice hiding it behind a false smile and a wisecrack (and 130 lbs). Starting tomorrow, I am going to start expecting people to talk to me, to treat me, the way I would treat them. This is probably going to get ugly. I will be accused of a great many things, things which are someone's opinion of how I should feel, what I should think, and what I should accept. That's okay, better ugly on the outside than ugly on the inside. I am not talking about hypersensitivity, just basic, common civility. Period. You see, when you allow others to treat you like you're substandard, you begin to believe it...and you start to see and treat yourself the same way.

I am not second best in God's eyes. He created me, Chris, to be just who I am. To him I am beautiful. I hide in crowds a lot. I am afraid to be just who I am because maybe no one will like who I am.

I remember in my teen years, I was training to be a counselor at the YMCA. I was so impressed with these girls who were so self assured. One girl in particular had a great sense of irony. I will never forget it. Our main counselor, Cammie, asked one of us to "toss her a chair"...and this girl did just that...tossed it to her. Everybody laughed, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I never would have done that. I would have been too afraid of what she might think, even though in the instant she said it, I had the exact same thought that the other girl had. Toss it to her. The girl who tossed the chair was just me...without the fear. My childhood pummeled the fun, spontaneity and play right out of me...figuratively and literally. It left anger, determination, persistence and hard work in it's wake. Now I am going back to retrieve the rest of it. I, like "normal' people, am going to expect the best in life and in people. I am going to expect people to treat me like they would want to be treated. I am going to take time for fun and not feel bad. I am going to realize that just because someone voices their opinion as fact, it's just that, an opinion. As the old saying goes, opinions are like...well, you can get the rest. I am no longer going to accept someone Else's opinion as my truth. I am not going to allow other's opinions to hurt me, or make me angry. I am going to tell them what to do with their (unasked for ) opinion. You know why, because as long as I am not harming someone or hurting someone I should be able to count on my friends and family to love me exactly as God created me. IF they don't then they aren't worth the emotional upheavel to start with. I have a feeling this will weed out the bad seeds in my life, I hope you all can do the same. Stayed under my calories and walked .8 of a mile tonight with a stuffed up nose and a headache...yeah me! Good night all.
Lettin' my freak flag fly,


Sorry I haven't posted...

Hey, I haven't posted in a few days. I got sick on Wednesday and felt awful. I have kept my calories under 1800...Between 1550 and 1750 and have even lost another pound without walking. I am feeling better even though I have a runny nose. I will walk tommorrow and for six days after since I missed three days this week. I am doing the anti jared missouri 60 challenge for the next two months. He is a guy who lost 200 lbs! His challenge is this, who can change the most in the next 60 days. My next door neighbor and good friend is going to take my picture On Monday, which....bbababum.....I will post....Then in two months I will post another (hopefully better) picture. My new want, which will be a christmas gift, is a digital camera so I can add pictures to my blog. Thank you hidden jewel for your kind words on my last post, I am sometimes very blunt and worried that my crap comment would offend. I just hope people read not only the words, but the intent. Well, will be back tommorrow with a better post. Keep up the good work everyone, talk to you later.


Being nice instead of healthy

Today was a busy day, but I still managed to get my walk in, just in two segments. I walked a mile initially, then I had to pick my little one up from a birthday party, cook dinner and then took my last half, about .8 of a mile. So, all told 1.8 miles. I kept my calories at 1717, that is nice and zen like I think. I also went grocery shopping. According to this web site, one hour of food shopping is worth about 250 calories. A half hour of walking at 4 mph is worth 287 calories. Not bad. My scale is hanging in around 251 (at night), on June 1rst I was 255 (in the morning) My scale says 247 in the morning. I like to use the high number in case of accidental bloatage on weigh in day.

serious moment....
Tommorrow I want to do a 2.3 mile walk. My husband has expressed an interest in walking with me which is great, as long as he doesn't pull a "well, let me just take a nap, finish my game, hoe the garden' bit. I go when I go. He's a great guy, but has dropped sabotage bombs before (such as putting milky ways in my car to 'keep the kids out of them'). I can't let anything stop me. I told him I am not altering in any way, shape or form my exercise plans, that I need to lose weight and get healthy, and that comes first. It might sound harsh, but allowing everything and everyone to come before my health is what got me to 262 pounds in the first place. I am not going to martyr myself on the alter of 'nice fat girl' any longer.

All of us fat girls know this, we make up for our weight by using humor, being accomodating, and putting ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. We put ourselves down before anyone else does. We make Jokes at our own expense that say "See, you don't have to feel bad, I know I am fat...I'll be the funny one, the nice one, the one who listens to everyone's problems while stuffing down my own with food. I don't want to get in anyones way, I am not worth taking up anyones time, even my own.". Let me get out of the way, make the cookies for the bake sale, listen to you drone on about your gout, accept backhanded compliments with grace, and not be a nuisance. Let me try to fit my exercise around your likes, dislikes, dinnertimes, dance class, piano lessons, phone calls, errands and cleaning. If I can find the time I will get myself healthy, if not, well then...that's okay because everyone else is happy and that's what matters.

Sound familiar.

you matter...
Do your exercise before you do your dishes. If you don't, someday you might not be there to do either. Eat good foods, not as punishment, but because you deserve it. You aren't a peice of crap, don't shove crap in your mouth. You matter too much to do that. If you are all alone, then just know that if you feel you don't matter to anyone at all, you matter to God. I spent most of my childhood alone. I knew though, that God was my father. I see so many people who don't know that. You are a child of the most high God, he knew you before he knit you in your mother's womb, and every hair on your head is numbered.
I really hadn't intended to write what I wrote, but somehow, it just popped out. I hope I didn't offend anyone. These are just my thoughts.
God bless,
My reason #8 for losing weight: I'm worth it.


A walking, water retaining mo-fo


I had a great walk today. However, my scale has not budged in four days. As I was contemplating many things...(chucking my scale out my bathroom window and hopefully offing the obnoxious pug/ pseudo child of my next door neighbors, thereby eliminating two extreme irritants in one fell swoop) I realized that I had the word Nike imprinted on the side of my foot (not really, I did happen to notice, however, that every indent from my elasticized Nike ankle socks had left an impressions on my cankles. (N.-calf-ankles). A sure sign, as any previously pregnant woman knows, that I am retaining water. I felt much better, had a twinge about the ugly thoughts pertaining to my neighbor's dog, and left whistling a happy tune.... (Not really, but nobody and nothing was injured and tomorrow is another day). Plus, since I had 700 calories left for dinner, I went to subways and got a sodium laden Italian bmt with double meat and veggies with spicy mustard (650 CAL. all told) and mmmmmmmm....was it tasty. However, my body is now in full revolt and hanging on to every last drop of fluid it can find. That's okay, I still got two weeks to weigh in, asparagus here I come...lol. My calories were 1720 for the day, and I did my 2 mile in 30 minutes. I didn't feel stretched at all, so I am going to have to find a more strenuous route. signing off.
dimply yours,


Inspiration sunday

Okay then, Since Sunday is technically my day of rest from exercise (apart from cleaning my house from top to bottom). I have decided to Make Sundays my Inspiration Day. Mostly they will be people I find inspiring, and I hope you will find inspiring as well. So, for my kick off I picked a doozy. My inspiration for the week is Major Phil Packer of the British Royal Marines. Major Packer was injured in an ied explosion about 1 and 1/2 years ago in Iraq. In the time since, he has dedicated himself to raising one million pounds for disabled or injured veterans. He does this by setting and meeting self imposed challenges. He has rowed across the English Channel, ran the London Marathon, and most recently, climbed El Capitan in Yosemite national park. Why does this impress me so much. His injury technically left Major Packer a paraplegic. While he accepted the diagnosis, He continued to work with what he did have. In the process, he regained partial use of his legs, raised one million pounds for others, and has done things a majority of completely able bodied people haven't done. His fortitude is an inspiration to me. If he can do what he does, then I can do what I need to do....

Here's a couple links and pictures:

and Maj. Packer on top of El capitan, he used a special sling and pull himself to the top using only his arms, it took four days.
It took him 13 days to complete the london Marathon walking two miles a day using crutches and calipers and living with constant pain. He also has the rest of his life to deal with his injuries and his nerve pain, but he hasn't given up, sat down or quit. I like this guy. He is my inspiration for the week. Who is your inspiration and why?
I stayed on program today...1750 calories, no exercise but took my vitamins, ate my apple and even made myself some spinach soup. Tommorrow, it's back to walking. I bought some mole skin for my blister, so I am ready to go. Good luck to all of you.

plagues and potato chips

Okay, so yesterday (or would that be the day before yeste....whatever) I had my splurge day. I probably, with the help of a bag of lays...choked down around 2800 calories. Now before I started on my 'new lifestyle', that kind of calorie count could've been accomplished in my sleep. Now it takes effort. Today I was back on program. Over the last two days I have walked an addtional 4.3 miles. Today I ate 1694 calories and walk 2.3 miles.
I like walking, I really do....however, today the fates were aligned against me.
I got a huge blister which popped and necessitated my taking off my shoe halfway through my walk. That being said I tried to keep up the pace. Then I ran into cujo, a St. bernard unencumbered by either leash or owner, but apparently too lazy to maul me, so satisfied himself with threatening growls and barking . I -limped by as quietly as I could. I round the corner and bam, what should impede my further progress but a two foot long snake, those of you who know me know what this means, yes I froze. I DONT LIKE SNAKES. He stopped-I stopped. He looked at me, I looked at him. I backed up two steps, He didn't move. I walked around. He obliged by not making any sort of threatening motions. I walked on, he slithered across the street. Then I ran into a swarm of gnats. That was my walk in a nutshell...hopefully Mondays walk will be better. Well, here's to Tommorrow.


exercise as a lifestyle

Well, I haven't posted in two days. I did a 2.6 mile walk and then today a 1.5 which I pushed and got through with in 30 minutes....calories have been good. 1720 and 1776 respectively. Tommorrow is my indulge day, can't wait. I will still take my walk though. I can't say I have had any thoughts one way or the other about losing weight other than to remind myself this is a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong process. I know from past experience, to do anything else is to invite disaster. On the home front, my husband and I are trying to start a garden. This coming week we are going to buy some compost and tomato plants and see if this whole gardening thing works out. I took my daughters on post to look at clothes today. I was trying to find a bathing suit for my youngest but couldn't find any decent one piece bathing suits. I will try walmart over the weekend. Tim and I watched two very good movies this week, the first was 'Taken' with liam neeson (my choice) and Tim's was 'Grand torino'. They were both really good movies although I have to say, Tim's was more touching. I would highly recomment both though. I plan on taking the kids bowling on Sunday, my non exercise day. I will still be moving, just not 'officially'. Hopefully, someday I will like exercising so much it's just incorporated into my life. Right now, it's like a segment out of time. Well, I am very tired and heading to bed. Hope everyone out there is doing fine!

Reason number 7: my poor feet can't take anymore.


oakey doakey

I did a three mile walk on accident, not a 1.5 as i had supposed. Remember how I said I had 'mapped out walks' Well, in my stupor this morning, (thanks to my new commitment to work out before eating breakfast) instead of doing my 1.5, I did a 2.1. I then followed it up this evening with a 1 mile because of the erroneous presupposition that I had done only 1.5...therefore putting my total walking distance today at 3.1 miles. My longest walk yet...and it was on accident, lol. That puts my total mileage for this month at 16.1 miles. My calories were 1706. Last weeks kick in the rear was a little hump, this week I feel really good. That isn't saying next week I won't be down a bit, but I can only do one day at a time and feel grateful when it's a good day. I had one of my favorite meals for dinner today. It was my breaded Tyson chicken wrap with lettuce tomato and veggies with homemade honey mustard. I use a 100 calorie whole wheat tortilla, 130 gram Tyson prebreaded (then baked) chicken breast...whatever veggies you want...two T of mustard and 1 T of honey. Very filling and only 430 calories...I eat it with a salad on the side. The best part of the last three days is that I have been eating meals with my family. I feel very 'normal'. I can usually eat whatever they eat minus whatever starch I have included as a side. Like, I ate my wrap...they had chicken breast, stuffing and salad. I don't feel deprived. I need to be able to make one meal. So, yes I am keeping about sixty percent of our old menu with some minor tweaks for me, and then I am finding a new menu for the other 40. Until then I would say two or three dinners a week I am not eating or they are eating a new healthier version. My new meal is chicken and herb tortillini soup with broth and spinach, bread sticks and salad. The kids liked it, Tim liked and i liked. It wound up being somewhere around 500 calories. Next week I am going to try jenny o turkey burgers. I have already swapped out our old polska kielbasa for turkey and everyone liked it. They also liked the new whole grain bread, turkey bacon and sugar free pudding. I am very lucky to have a husband who is supportive in trying new foods. He even told me the other day that he likes the food BETTER. how awesome is that. Well, better head to bed...I have to be up early to exercise. Talk to everyone tommorrow.


When is it best to workout

Okay, I have GOT to switch up my exercise time. I just read an article about why exercising before eating breakfast can burn up to 300% more fat than exercising later. It's because after you eat you increase your glucose levels and your body burns through that before it even gets to your fat cells. Ugh. No wonder the army had us up at 5 in the morning doing a 6 miler. Well, whether or not I like it, morning it is. Tommorrow morning I am doing a 2.2 miler. I found out what my target heart rate zone was: You take 220 and subtract your age (35) and then you multiply that number by 85% to get your upper range and multiply by 65% to get your lower range...since I am classified as morbidly obese, when I exercise I can easily slip into an anaerobic state because of my low level of fitness...I need to keep my heart rate in the 120's to 130's. I need to be in the lower range or I am burning carbs and proteins instead of fat. So, exercise before breakfast in the lower range of my target heart rate. My calories today are around 1740. I exercised for 2 miles and at the end walked-jogged-walked for the last mile, which, according to what I just read, may have been a mistake. oh well, onward and upward.


wiwtlw Reason 6: Witchface. Adj. The look thin women give you when they are snots...usually when a fattie is doing one of two things. 1.) ordering food that she thinks is unhealthy or ironically 2.) Stepping onto the treadmill next to hers at the gym.


sunday... a day of rest

I took today off from officially walking. Although i did end up walking anyways, about a mile. My total for this month so far is 11 miles including todays walk to the new park in the neighborhood next to ours. Tommorrow I am going to do a 2 miler and push my speed in intervals. This is supposed to help you burn fat. I had a hard time downing 1700 calories today, I managaed to get in 1576, and right now, at 11:56 pm... I am stuffed. Weird, three days ago I wanted to gnaw someone's face off, today I am forcing myself to eat. My body is wack. I have been logging calories for 33 days now. I look at it and that little maxim comes to mind....Every day goes, you can be getting healthier or fatter. I am shocked that a whole month is already gone. If I had not started, I would still be 262 instead of 255 (as of june 1rst). This year will go whether or not I am eating right and exercising. I might as well redeem the time. By the way, I am 5'3. I will log my new weight on July 1rst, along with my daily calorie counts and weight loss and exercise numbers....that way anyone just browsing can see the correlation.

wiwtlw Reason 5: To be a mom my daughters can be proud of.


counting calories and programs

I am not doing a program. I know a lot of people like programs, I am just not much of a joiner. I like being at home and don't run around much. I have tried programs before, not weight watchers...but the kind you get in the diet of the month books...like atkins or south beach. I have tried just exercising, or eating 1200 calories and sucking down what I thought were "healthy foods" whether or not I liked them. I have gone through periods of being a gym rat. No program has ever, ever, ever lasted. I inevitably got sick of ....meat, cheese, yogurt, arugula, gym equipment, full lenth mirrors in the weight room, driving somewhere to work out, fake hype, false hope, sweating with strangers, magic pills, locker room nudity.....you name it. I kept doing things I hated. I hate salads with lite italian dressing. I hate rice cakes. I hate full length mirrors in the exercise area. I resent skinny women complaining about how fat their thighs look when my thigh is the size of their waist. I hate how military gyms always have the weather channel or the news on with NO SOUND. I loathe yogurt, wheat grass, green tea, tofu and starving myself. I hate "diets" where you eat meat and three cups of vegetables and stink just so you can lose weight. I hate spending money to "look good at the gym" and never again will I plop down one more dollar for a self help diet book telling me, (when you strip away the bs and you look at it's essential message) that you need to watch how much you eat and you need to exercise more. So I prefer to count. Count calories, count the miles as I walk and count the pounds I drop and count the dollars I save because I no longer buy books hoping they will make me thin. Some tools I have invested in this time around.

1.) A food scale- I have no idea what 4 oz. of ground beef or chicken looks like, I put it on a paper plate (0.5 ounces) and then add the meat till 4.5 is reached. Guess what, then I know that I am eating around 200 calories of meat. Same with 2 oz. of pasta or 100 grams of crackers etc.
Tim got it at walmart, it's digital and has a button for different units of measure. $23.00

2.) Good ankle socks-the cushiony kind. $6.00

3.) Nike walking shoes, half off. $33 .00

4.) A cheap watch, I hate to wear a watch, but this way I know how long I have been walking. $10.00

5.) Gas and an hour of my time. $2.50
I mapped out six or seven different walking routes, up to 2.6 miles, so that way with my watch and my pre mapped walks I know how fast and how far I am walking, therefore I know how many calories I am burning. Within two or three months, I will be doing this again for longer walking routes.

6.) A cheap analogue scale which doesn't really show me my exact weight ( I get that on my friends digital scale once a month) but it does show me if I am trending upward, downward or staying the same. $13.00.

7,) Internet blog and confessional-free

I am doing what works for me, it will look different for each person. Some people love the gym, or green tea. Yogurt is a delicious treat and they couldn't imagine working out without the benefit of a full lenth mirror and the weather channel on mute. I am counting on simple science to work for me. Calories in, Calories out. Supernatural Grace to sustain me and not let me quit, God is on call 24/7 (sure beats jenny craig). And good freinds to support me and keep me accountable.

Reason 4 W.I.W.T.L. W. or W.I.H.B.F- (why i want to lose weight or why i hate being fat)
UGlY Fat clothes: When your are Obese, clothing designers take it into their wee skulls that YOu, a relatively round individual, are going to LOVE Sequins, Kittens, Matching shirt/pants combos in sickening shades of purples and green, LARGE PRINTS and sometimes they even make matching suits in VELOUR. Just what we big girls need, thick, shiny fabric that clings
to every bump and lump imaginable. I want to wear pretty cotton dresses, short sleeve shirts and dare I say it.....shorts. Yes, I am in the shallow end of the pool today...I want to shop for cute clothes.

woops almost forgot my reason of the day

Okay, reason
3.) cankles- (N.) calf-ankles....nuff said.


I have been very hungry the last three days despite eating at or around 1700 calories. I am not sure if it's metabolism or what. I ate 1807 calories today to see if it cut down on the hunger pains, and it did a little. I am thinking I will hold on for a week or two and see what my weight loss is. I have been consistant with my walking. Last month, starting on May fourth, I walked every day in May. I took June 1rst off, when I weighed in, and then from the 2nd till the 5th (today) I have walked a total of 7.55 miles. I figure I will walk every day until something gets in the way. It is inevitable, and when it happens I will have all these other days of walking built up, so it won't be a big deal. So, things I am dealing with. I am tired, my walks the last three days have been much harder and I am hungry. I don't know if this is some sort of hump I am going to have to get over or what. It may be that my metabolism picked up and I am dropping weight a little faster than I should. I will see at next weigh in (on July 1rst). I do have a splurge day planned for the 12th in which I am sure any severe calorie deficit should be put to rights in a decisive manner };o)! I am aiming for moderate weight loss, not a biggest loser blow out. I want to get used to eating moderately and living healthy. So, I ...get this...DONT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT TOO FAST. lol..... I think I am going to be fairly detailed on my blog about what exercise I am doing and what I am eating as I lose. I got a lot of good ideas from other peoples blogs and I hope I can help anyone who is unsure even what to eat or where to start. I am not the best nutrition wise. I eat "normal' food. I don't eat wheat grass, yogurt, tofu, or anything you turn into a smoothie. I like meat and vegetables, fruit and bread and such. I love eggs and eat them three or four times a week. (I know, I will drop dead of pick an ailment...blah blah blah) I eat full sodium everything, real coffee with real sugar and I eat hamburger two or three times a week. I use 93 percent which is about 200 calories for 4 ounces. I need real food. I need to feel as normal as possible and I need to make this a normal part of my life. That means "splurge days" will have to be replaced with eating a slightly higher calorie day two or three days out of every month. I will start this part of the process around month six or seven. Right now, psychologically, I need a "splurge" day. In time I think I can move to eating foods I love in moderation and begin to incorporate the higher calorie items in with my new mostly healthy choices. we will see. So today I walked 2.25 miles, I ate 1807 calories and drank 120 oz. of water. I had eggs for breakfast, mini cracker sandwiches for lunch, an apple and an an orange, two 60 calorie pudding snacks (ymmy) and turkey sausage with pepper strips and a salad for dinner. Got my two fruits and three veggies. I am thinking calorie defecit of somewhere around 800 calories today. Here is to tomorrow.


accountability and weight loss...

Quite the word, accountability. To be held to account. What better place really, than the world wide web. I have put a lot of leverage on myself this time around. Short of taking out a sign on the freeway (hmmmm .....), this is as public as I can make my journey to lose weight. I have no faith in my willpower, why? Because inevitably, my will turns to eating, and then I WILL EAT.
So, it's friends knowing, it's writing the whys everyday, it's loggin my food, it's eliminating excuses by taking every thought captive, like it says in the bible. Here are some thoughts that make it okay to eat what I want, when I want.
1.) It's just for today, I can start again tommorrow. (tommorrow never comes)
2.) Why does everyone else get to eat whatever they want? (Because that's their decision)
3.) I am not that fat. (yes, you are)
4.) I can walk this off later. (I never walk it off, in fact, I never leave the couch)
5.) I will just have one. (one what? one chip, or one bag?)
6.) No one will know (except the person who matters, me...and God...and the scale cause she don't lie.)

These are just some of the self justification that led me to my current state. Sounds like an addict to me. I'll stop drinking tommorrow, why does everyone else get some, I am not that much of a drunk, I will sleep it off later, I WILL HAVE JUST ONE, NO ONE WILL KNOW....
wow. I took a two mile walk today and so far my calories are at 1576, I am going to have a sugar free cuppa jello pudding (dulce de leche lol for you girl scout leader homies out there). They are very tasty and good for getting rid of a sweet urge.

Okay reason two for losing weight.....so I can be the woman my husband married. A size 8 and active. So he can be proud to have me on his arm. A nd, before I get offended women saying blah blah blah, I would just like to say this; If your husband gained 130 lbs and stopped caring how he dressed and looked, tell me you wouldn't be embarrassed. Nuff said. I have already apologized to him for becoming a slob. I would like to be a slender and beautiful woman. That's number two.


Losing weight

Over the years I have focused on a lot of things. Many had to do with personal growth, trying to be a more thoughtful, more spiritual person. In some ways I have gotten to where I want to be, but as anyone who has tried to mature quickly knows, there is no way to mature quickly. Unfortunately, no matter how many self help books we read, how we pray pray pray for wisdom, Wisdom and empathy come through experience and experience comes with time spent living. There is no Shortcut. I mean, you can learn the obvious things like don't do drugs, or don't commit adultery. The really difficult things to learn are "Thou shalt not judge". Or, "Even though you are in your mid thirties, you still don't know everything". YOu might think you are wise enough not to judge, but then go around secretly pointing out other's failings in your own mind, all the while diligently ignoring the failings in your own life. I spent a few years judging someone who I know and love for an alcohol addiction. In my mind, It was just selfishness etc. Well, in my own life I had allowed food to become my addiction. I used it in the same way a drunk uses booze or a drug addict uses heroin. It was not to feed my body, it was a comfort for bad feelings, it was fun when I was bored. Now I am obese, I have been obese probably for the last 9 years, before that I was overweight. You might say that alchohol hurts the family. Well, guess what. So does my obesity. I avoid doing things because of my weight. I don't go to swimming pools, I avoid family photos, I am too tired to play or go to the park. I have cheated my kids out of alot of things because of my blindness to my own addiction. A while back I was standing in a public place, and I saw myself in a full length mirror, not just from the waist up. I really saw myself. I looked fat and felt old. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the store. I told my friends this and even my husband. What I didn't say was that, that night as I was lying in bed, I told God that I couldn't do it. I have been on every diet known to man and have quit every single time. The last time I tried to "diet" I ended up on my treadmill crying because I could feel in my spirit that I had no hope. I was giving my body to him. Really giving it over and not reserving anything. I don't have the power to beat this because I have been going off of 'will power' and it had never worked. I asked God to show me my heart, and he did. I was no better than anyone else. Knowing that I use food like a drug has helped me resist overeating. This is a day to day struggle for me. If I don't address this now I will only get fatter. I am not pleasantly plump, or chubby, I am obese, It is serious, I could die. I am 255 lbs. I have lost 10 lbs so far. Since I started on May 4th, I have had a few times when I have had urges for food not related to hunger, but nothing above what I could bear. I hope people reading this will pray for me. I have to do this for many reasons and I think I will name a reason every time I post. Here is the First one.

1.) I want to be there when my daughters get married. I don't want them standing in the mirror and wishing I were there. I want to help them get ready, calm their nerves, give them advice and be a good example.