Buy THIS...Not THAT PLUS physical goals for the coming year..

So, I did the character thing yesterday...
I did the character thing first, because I think it directly correlates to obtaining the rest of your goals..
here is a clip from Robin over at a daily dose.
She dedicated it to me and by God if it isn't my philosophy in a nutshell..
articulated by none other than Rocky himself.
You will never get anywhere If you allow yourself to be knocked down and stay down.
Will get put on their @ss at least once in their life.
I have been there more times than I can count.
Some people quit.
Some people give up.
That's not me...

So in the spirit of my blog post title..
Buy THIS...
Buy what he is selling..everyone is selling something.
Some people are selling a winning attitude
A winning philosophy.
And some people are selling out.

Don't buy it.
They say
I would have, could have or should have if only:
I was smarter

Or I will
The kids are grown
Or I have more
Will power

Look in the mirror.
What do you see there?
A person who is worth the time and effort it takes to get healthy?
Until that is what you see, you will go in circles.
You have what it takes already.
Everything you need is already there.

There will always be something standing in your way.
Whether real or imagined.
Most of the time the only thing in your way is you.

Good news.

There isn't much in life that persistence can't grind into dust.

I have watched people in blog land over the course of the last year and a half...
People who have this journey a lot harder than I do.
People who are pounding away at the pounds through sheer persistence.
Their bodies are not cooperating.
They live with Chronic pain.
They do the best they can and they are WINNING.
These are people I look to for inspiration.
Because the battle doesn't go to the strongest
Or the fastest
Or the smartest...

It goes to the ones who just won't quit...
I am handing out kudos to my big three weight loss bloggers
I go to your blogs for a kick in the rear.
For inspiration
For your positive attitudes.

And to one Non weight loss blogger
I will call her a life blogger.
A big thinker...
A person with
A great attitude in the face of constant pain
and for thinking of others and
for just being a thinker.
I will come up with something...a blog award or something.
Bad at crap like this.
I just wanted to say you guys may feel like turtles...but you are very inspiring to me, and lots of other people.
That is why I have a turtle on my weight loss ticker.
He beat the hare cause he just kept moving.

Now for my physical goals.
I am aiming (starting on January 1rst) for seven physical goals..
and if steve decides to do his perfect 10 challenge, I am totally in.
It's the only challenge I do
It is a good idea to get any year going in a good fashion.
It sets the tone.
So Steve...No pressure...lol.

Here is my perfect 10 goals..if steve happens to do it..if not I am doing it anyways.

1.)1400 calories a day.

2.) No calories wasted on beverages.
I will be putting Cremora into my coffee (Thank you Allan)
That means that sugar that used to go into my coffee?

3.) No white flour
Not until I hit goal weight.
That means no crackers.
(I am talking to me)
No cookies, No cinnamon buns at starbucks..even if it fits in my calorie budget.

4.) Exercise every day till May.
Weirdly enough...the longer this goes on, the easier it gets.

5.) Posting my weight once a week on a sunday.
It will keep me focused.

6.) 10 cups of water a day

7.) In bed by 11..(tried this last year and FAILED miserably..this year it might be a bit easier)

That's enough...the perfect ten is supposed to be the first 10 weeks of the year.

That will bring me right up to my birthday or thereabouts.

Perfect for my overall goal of being at a 'normal' weight by march 17th.

I went to the gym today and burned 700 calories on an elliptical and did 100 situps and my upper body weights.

Have a great New years Eve guys.
I will be in bed early awaiting the New Year.


New years resolutions- Moving to the next level-character

Hey guys,
I wanted to talk about something today..
I wanted to talk about moving to the next level in life.
I think of personal growth as a kind of circular path...you keep learning the same lessons...
only at a deeper level.
Here's a for instance.
first you learn not to do bad things.
Things like drink to excess or steal.
You learn that and you feel pretty good about yourself.
Then you begin to feel pretty cocky and you start feeling superior to people who do those things.
Until you come up to your point of personal failure.
It doesn't matter when or how...at some point you will come to know that you are as capable of stupidity and mistakes as the next person...and you learn to go a little lighter in the judging department.
Then you start judging the judgers.
Intolerance of their intolerance as it were.
As if you have never done it.
I heard the word heathen used in an actual sentence as a form of judgement today.
I had a good inner laugh at the person's expense...(the person who used it, not the person it was referring to...) and then proceeded to judge them for judging.
Which I must say I have done a million times.
We can discern. But God is the judge.
My goal this year is to not worry about the state of others personal progress.
Not the person still in that first step...not the judgers....or the judging of the judgers...(say that three times real fast)
I want to waste aproximately no time in judging, assessing, or dissecting an other's character.
My focus this year will be on mine...and in turn that will transform how I interact with others.
It will transform how I react to situations, to possibilities and to other's percieved character deficits.
In the end...the only person I can control, or change, or better,
is me.
And my children will learn by my example.
what I do speaks much more loudly than what I say.
My kids know I love them, not because I TELL them...but because i make them my priority.
It shows through my actions, not my words.
For years now I have been wishing I could simply stop talking and allow my actions to speak for me.
Unfortunately, people like you to speak.
But I can speak less.
More succinctly.
and to realize that I can be tactful and truthful.
to say only what is kind and true.
I am going to strive for that.
And to live in a way that shows what my priorities and beliefs ARE.
It is only a matter of doing.
Of intentionality.
I want to be whole.
I want to be a person of integrity and honesty and good will.
A person of charity and kindness.
A person others don't feel judged by, but feel they can trust and rely on.
A person who, when they speak, others can be sure that what is about to come out of my mouth will not be backbiting, or spiteful, or prideful..
But sincere, honest, and kind and well thought out.
I want to be disciplined in my mind, spirit and body.
Not asking too much now am I?
But these are lessons that can only be learned through trial and error.
So I will make mistakes.
I will be less than, but hopefully I will grow.

quick post...

hey guys,
sorry about the lack of updates the last two days.
I did my exercise both days and stayed under my calories (although dinner tonight was attrocious) it won't be tomorrow.
I have salad veggies sitting in the fridge and the gym is calling my name.
Still feeling good.
Still doing good.
Keep on keeping on guys.
Better post tomorrow.


It's ON ! .AND I'm sorry...

Christian Bale..

More about that in a second.

I am feeling pretty frickin awesome today.
I ate 1460 calories
I did 23 minutes on the arc trainer and burned 250 calories
I did 20 minutes on a stairstepper and burned 150 calories
Then I did a one mile walk for a burn of 100 calories.
I also did 100 situps.
There is something about making up your mind and setting a goal that helps you focus.
I know what I want and how to get there.
It leaves little room for fluffing about.
There is no fudge room when you set boundaries.
The best way to start losing weight, or fixing a crappy relationship,
or moving forward with just about anything is to call out your goal and establish boundaries.

My boundaries are 1400-1500 calories a day
exercise every day
one cheat MEAL per month that must be consumed between the hours of 5 pm and 11 pm.
No fluffing.


Now on to poor poor Christian.
He was knocked unceremoniously on his @ss today by a most unexpected source.
A ballet dancer named Benjamin pirouetted his way into my heart.

Natalie (I am a lucky lucky girl) Portman's new fiance....
Natalie portman has gotten herself engaged to a man who looks to be a wonderful amalgam
Christian bale's hair and jaw line, ioan gruffudd's face and overall physique
and Hugh jackman's chest...
and he is smart AND has a french accent.

Hello Benjamin! Welcome to my world...

Well, that's all...
have a good night,


I will ROCK YOU!

Hey all,
Good bye Christmas and hello New year...(Mine starts tomorrow)

I am in my last 10-15 pounds.
I will get to my goal this year.

I could limp in, shuffling to the finish line like an old boxer who doesn't know when to quit..or I could bring this puppy in like secretariat in the belmont.

I choose the latter.
No limping for me...no aimless punches thrown haphazardly while stumbling around the ring just trying to hold on to my dignity and my heavyweight (or in this case lightweight) belt.

I want to go out with a bang.
I want to bring it.
I want to deliver like queen in wembley stadium in 1986.
An epic effort with fantastic results.
This all starts tomorrow.
I will be going back to what worked for me at the get go.
capping my calories between 1400 and 1500.
One cheat meal per month.
I know my cheat meal days for the next three months.
Cheat meal 1: January 15th. Middle of the month.
Cheat meal 2: February 6th. My daughter's birthday
Cheat meal 3: March 17th...My 37th birthday at which point I hope to be normal in the weight sense.
No hope for normalcy for the rest of me . lol.
And as stated before.... I am still exercising every day till may.
on december 24th I did a two mile walk
the 25th was a three mile walk
and today was the gym for a 700 calorie burn
I have thrown out all the crap food from Christmas...what was left...into the garbage.
egg white omelettes, turkey, chicken and vegetables...along with soup and salads will make up the majority of my meals.
Here goes nothing.
and for your listening pleasure
Queen at wembley...widely regarded as one of the greatest live performances ever!
Long live Freddy (in our hearts) and long live QUEEN!

No hugs today,
Just fists of fury!
Chris out.


Merry CHRISTmas

Merry CHRISTmas.
And for my absolute favorite version of my absolute favorite Christmas song.

God bless and keep you.
See you on the 26th.
*went to the gym today 40 minutes on elliptical and situps and upper body weights. streak still secure!*


Gratitude and wealth

Hey all,
Went to 'feed the homeless'
except they were people.
Ever do that.
Group people only to find out they are individuals.
The homeless are people.
in this case, people with kids.
smart, funny kids.
One is so smart he is in the gifted and talented program in his school.
Another one is mad at Santa because he missed his chimney last year.
They enjoyed making cookies.
They ate their food.
Then they go upstairs to their temporary rooms.
The switch churches each week.
So they only stay one week at each place before they move on.
It's one thing to see adults in that situation.
quite another to see kids in that situation.
especially the kid that is pissed at Santa.
He called him (santa) a big fat dummy.
(Not that I can blame him....)
My kids have never had santa miss the chimney, and have never NOT known where they are going to sleep.
Watching those kids and their ability to have fun in spite of all the upheaval in their lives was enlightening to say the least.
I am grateful.
I only walked 1.6 miles today and I have to get some stuff done for christmas so can't do much else.
I will be heading to the gym tomorrow morning and am really looking forward to it.
As much as I am looking forward to crawling into my own bed tonight.
And brushing my teeth while looking into my bathroom mirror under my own roof.
I will be praying for those families and for the kids.
Have a great night.
I will be posting tomorrow and then I will be on Christmas break for a few days.
Have a great night guys.


owning your choices..

was going to blog something else but when I went to type my title discovered that this is what I want to talk about.


We make them everyday.
Some good, some crappy.
in any case we have to own them...or we can't make new ones..
We'll just run in circles making the same choices.
Because we excuse them.
Our bad choices.
Leaving an opening to repeat the same mistakes.
Instead of excusing them.
"Well, If this or that hadn't happened I wouldn't have been FORCED to do this or that.
Own it.
and then the next time that 'thing' comes around...you have experience, awareness and ultimately
A new decision made
On your side.
For instance.
You (I) skip breakfast.
I am going to be somewhere for four hours. (the other day at homeschool enrichment)
consequently food choices have been taken out of my hand by none other than myself.
So I end up eating a donut for 250 calories that didn't fill me up and didn't contribute to my health goals. I may have stayed under my calorie cap.
But I ate something that caused sugar cravings for the rest of the day.
A poor choice.
And avoidable.
Own it.
Don't excuse it.
and make a conscious decision that on the next go round, you take a granola bar or piece of fruit.
You know you are going to eat a large meal.
Don't eat a large breakfast.
Go light till dinner and leave yourself some calories.
Same works in relationships.
You know your mom pushes your buttons.
Avoid the button pushing comments.
You can't avoid that person.
SEt rules and boundaries about what you will or won't allow.
Say, You say such and thus and this conversation is over.
emotional buttons are eating triggers.
So are past hurts.
Every day is a new day.
walked today cause I didn't make it to the gym.
I got my exercise in under less than stellar conditions.
Tomorrow it's to the gym.
My next weigh in will be on new years day.
I am still 146 in the morning and 148 at night.
Hoping to be 147 on New years day.
and normal by my birthday on March 17th.
The sprint begins on December 26th.
Have a great week guys.
Hang in there.


What facebook says about me...

Hey all,
How's it going?
2010 was a good year.
It wasn't as fast a weight loss year as I thought I would have but it was a good one.
It's been a year and a half of losing weight and learning how to live differently.
In may (on may 4th to be precise) I will have been at this two years.
It is weird and kind of crazy.
I don't remember what walking around and moving around in a 262 lb body felt like.
I don't.
I do remember the pain I had in my heels constantly.
That I do remember.
It was excruciating and when I would get up in the morning It took me a while before I could quit hobbling and walk like a normal human being.

I remember I couldn't bend over.
Now I do yoga moves like this... except I am lying on my back and the toes are touching the mat behind my head.
The other day I did a facebook app that lists your ten most used words from 2010..
here were mine.
1. one
2. hour
3. elliptical
4. calories
5. day
6. Today
7. mile
8. situps
9. minutes
10. back.

That about says it...my focus has been on maintaining and or losing this year.
I hope a few other words (including reached and goal) will be on there this coming year.
I am glad to see my focus so clearly concieved in a list.
I have been focused on this for a year and a half.
I have started shifting out of primary focus somewhat and incorporating other aspects of my life.
But somethings have become second nature...
things like eating breakfast.
not eating fast food
exercising at least 5 or 6 days a week.
noticing what I am consuming.
These are all habits I didn't have 18 months ago.
If I had been on facebook 18 months ago my list would have been very different.
It would have included words like
self loathing..
A new year is coming...let's make what we want of it.
calories in at 1467 and burn in at 520 including 100 situps yeah.
(I love the arc trainer btw, if you get a chance try it...it really works the back of your legs.)
Have a good one.


rebel with a cause....

Hey all,
How's it going?
didn't post yesterday.
Didn't read many blogs yesterday....
I took a 'mental health day'.
I have been pounding away at stuff for the last month and had developed an eye tick in my right eye.
A tell tale sign that I have stress that I am suppressing.
So, yesterday I upped my calories to 1800 and did a 20 minute jack lalanne video and then went to barnes and nobles and bought a trashy romance novel (reallllly trashy lol. black dagger brotherhood etc...jd ward look it up) and spent my night reading that.
I felt much better after I was finished.
I am still on my 'every day till may" streak.
Today I am back on track calorie wise and did an hour on the elliptical at the gym...100 situps and upper body weights.
I have increased my weights on my lat pulls from 55 to 60 lbs.
The rest remain the same.
tomorrow and tuesday will be equally intense workouts with wednesday being my walk.
Thursday and Friday (Christmas eve) will be intense workouts at the gym. Christmas Day, the gym is closed (imagine that!?!) and I will be doing a walk here...the length depending on the ambient air temperature.
Minimum one mile....If I can only do a one mile walk I will do jack lalanne and my situps on top of it.
A three mile walk will result in a walk only with situps.
Christmas day is my free day (besides the walk/exercise).
It always is, and always will be.
I have a few of these throughout the year. By free, I mean I don't count calories. ..It is NOT an "I stuff everything I can manage into my gullet and hope I don't throw up" day.

I don't like rules...I don't like people telling me what to do.
When I was a kid my rebellion was inward...in my mind.
I have always made up my own mind.
It's a strength and sometimes it is a big weakness.
Sometimes I will cut my nose off to spite my face.
Not good.
so If I give myself too many rules for too long I can rebel against myself.
F* me as it were.
That's okay, good sense is usually regained forthwith, because I am nothing if not a pragmatist.
I need my nose.
Will talk more tomorrow.
have a good one.
chris out.


Ode to Joy...


I went to the gym tonight and when I finished I was dog tired...I spent the day with my family doing the picture thing...then we all went out to eat. They ate pizza..I ate a chicken philly sandwich without cheese and a diet coke.....and I was okay with that.
I really enjoyed my time with my family..and getting dressed up for our family portrait was actually fun.
I liked the way I looked.
I did my makeup and my hair and wore a dress.
I felt pretty...So anyways,
back to the gym.
I slogged through that one folks.
Some days you are a burning ball of energy and
some days
you are a slug like creature sloughing your way through the gym.
ten minutes on the arc trainer 100 calories...(I like this thing)
23 minutes on the treadmill at a 7 incline and 3.5 mph speed 130 cal. (I hate this thing)
20 minutes on stairstepper 170 calories (meh)
1 mile walk on the track 100 calories ( meh)
100 situps (according to my personal number cruncher I am more likely to burn calories licking stamps so I don't count these towards my burn anymore)
I walk out to my vehicle and start it (while trying to avoid another Mariah Carey and/or obnoxiously earnest 80's Christmas song fest)
...right now the Christmas music has all the charm of a dog whistle.
Driving off post and flipping through the radio when I hear "Ode to joy" on the classical station.
and start to listen ...
It is my favorite classical music...plebian, but so be it.
and that is when it hits me...
I am so lucky to be alive and to have two healthy kids...one of whom talked to Santa today.
If I wiped it right there and died..
I lived today and I lived it all the way.
I enjoyed it.
I found joy in it.
The joy of the lord is my strength.
(these are my thoughts)
As one of my friends likes to call it...I had a burst of
If You had just ONE DAY..only ONE.
What would you do?
What if that was your gift..
an angel came down and said...
You have one day left.
You can do whatever you want...
What would you do?
I used to think I would do all this fantastic stuff.
But I think my last day would have been me with my family..my mom and brothers and kids and husband (If I could get them all here) just hanging out and being together.
Then at night I would just lay in bed with my husband and do what we used to do a few years ago..read to each other.
Maybe Calvin and Hobbes...or the house at pooh corner.
Here is an excellent example of something that makes me laugh...

"Help, help," cried Piglet, "a Heffalump, a Horrible Heffalump!" and he scampered off as hard as he could, still crying out, "Help, help, a Herrible Hoffalump! Hoff, hoff, a Hellible Horralump! Holl, holl, a Hoffable Hellerump!"

"Eeyore, what are you doing there?" said Rabbit.
"I'll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he'll always get the answer."
"But, Eeyore," said Pooh in distress, "what can we - I mean, how shall we - do you think if we -"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "One of those would be just the thing. Thank you, Pooh."

and last but certainly not least

Things that make us laugh..
Things that bring us joy.
What would you do?
And why aren't you doing it?
So you know me and you know when I reach my limit.
the food logging.
it's boring and repetitive and takes up space. from here on out it's generalities because quite frankly I don't want people picturing corn in my poo...
in other words...it's nobody's business except for the calorie count.
1456 and yes I ate my veggies. lol.
I am 147.5 at night and about 146 in the morning.


I had a 'fat' mind...

Hey all,
Howsit going?
Today was a good day..
had a 600 calorie burn with elliptical and upper body weights.
My food consisted of chicken pecans and egg white omelette and a big @ss salad for dinner with the same ingrediants.
all told 1467 calories.
No vitamins again because I forgot to buy them.
Will get some tomorrow because I will be taking a family portrait.
This is our first family portrait.
You do the math.
My oldest daughter is 16.
I kept telling myself I would get a picture when I got skinny.
It took a while.

I left a comment on another blog about having a fat mind.
I used to.
What I meant was, If by magic I would have been able to wave a wand and get skinny..
I would have just gotten fat again.
Before this journey I had a fat mind.
symptoms of a fat mind.
Thinking food will cure a non food issue.
Using food to replace companionship or to make me feel less _________.
Or more__________.
Food is just food.
But you couldn't have told me that.
I don't know what I was expecting from food.
IF my food could have talked it would have said "I am here to fuel your body, not fix your life."

I also felt like I had no control over the food.
That somehow what I picked up with my hand and put in my mouth had nothing to do with my free will.
That my hand and my mouth and my body were somehow operating outside of my control.
It was my slow metabolism.
It was my _________.
I couldn't really tell you now.
The excuses old chris used to use are excuses 'new chris' would laugh at.
They don't work anymore.
They don't fit inside my new wineskin.
If I eat something now that I don't need to fuel my body...there is no play acting and there is no fakery.
I simply ate it because I wanted it and if I do it I ENJOY it.
I don't make excuses or fob it off as some sort of emotional meltdown.
I wanted it.
I ate it.
I am over it.
It's as liberating as it sounds.
It has the weight and the value and qualities you imbue it with.
The calories you eat, the way you deal....they are choices..not moral failures.
moving on.
before, I would use any inappropriate eating as an excuse to spiral even deeper into poor eating and a kind of self fulfilling failure thing.
I would use eating crap as a cudgel to beat myself with...probably so I could do it some more.
I have such a hard time with remembering.
YOu know how when you are struggling you can't remember what it feels like to be able to control something.
Well, to be quite frank.
When you get a grip on the food.
On your daily life and your new lifestyle.
When this becomes second nature,
it gets harder and harder to remember what it was like when you didn't have a handle on it.
It is like black is white, and white is black.
Even when I maintained my weight, I never went back to the place where I used food like I used to.
Not once did I binge. Or eat till I was sick.
I just ate a bit more but kept to my exercise.
I can't remember the last real binge I had.
I still remember the first time I got through half a plate of food and left it there even though I still had room in my stomach.
I just didn't want anymore and I stopped eating.
I wanted to feel satisfied, not 'full'...not sick.

Here is an excerpt from one month into changing myself.

I am not doing a program. I know a lot of people like programs, I am just not much of a joiner. I like being at home and don't run around much. I have tried programs before, not weight watchers...but the kind you get in the diet of the month books...like atkins or south beach.

I have tried just exercising, or eating 1200 calories and sucking down what I thought were "healthy foods" whether or not I liked them. I have gone through periods of being a gym rat. No program has ever, ever, ever lasted.
I inevitably got sick of ....meat, cheese, yogurt, arugula, gym equipment, full lenth mirrors in the weight room, driving somewhere to work out, fake hype, false hope, sweating with strangers, magic pills, locker room nudity.....you name it. I kept doing things I hated.
I hate salads with lite italian dressing. I hate rice cakes. I hate full length mirrors in the exercise area. I resent skinny women complaining about how fat their thighs look when my thigh is the size of their waist. I hate how military gyms always have the weather channel or the news on with NO SOUND. I loathe yogurt, wheat grass, green tea, tofu and starving myself. I hate "diets" where you eat meat and three cups of vegetables and stink just so you can lose weight. I hate spending money to "look good at the gym" and never again will I plop down one more dollar for a self help diet book telling me, (when you strip away the bs and you look at it's essential message) that you need to watch how much you eat and you need to exercise more. So I prefer to count. Count calories, count the miles as I walk and count the pounds I drop and count the dollars I save because I no longer buy books hoping they will make me thin.

Funny reading this...
I now run around a lot, go to the gym and eat yogurt....but I digress.
You see I had dieted for years. dieted in the short term sense...in the sense that someday the diet would end. That I would be normal and then being normal...I wouldn't ever have to pay attention again.
That is the fat mind.
Thin people do pay attention. They eat a light lunch if they are going to have a heavy dinner.
They exercise.
They skip fatty foods.
And coming into this this time.
I was in it for long haul.
I decided that I didn't give a rats @ss how long it took.
I was going to live healthy day in and day out.
Adjusting as I went to make sure I didn't fall off track.
I was going to lose and hold and not slip back.
I was going to calculate...and if I never lost a flippin pound I would keep walking and keep eating right because I knew it was the right thing to do.
I didn't want to feel OUT OF CONTROL anymore.
I wanted to be proud of myself.
I also decided to LIVE. and to FEEL, AND TO TRY.
To put my self out there and stop hiding.
To wake up and give it all I had.
and I have...and I always will.
This isn't a sprint...it isn't a marathon and
It's my LIFE.
And it's your life.
Live it.


snapshot of a journey...Before and Now

hey guys.
Don't have a ton to say tonight..I have a PILE of laundry to do..
I was looking at some pictures over the weekend.
Sometimes it is hard to remember how far we have come.
Even if we have come a million miles.
Sometimes I feel like the old me never existed.
you know.
I burned my fat pants.
I cut my hair...and dyed it.
I started plucking (sorry NOW, I never could grow a unibrow anyways...)
I began to take care of myself.
I exercise 6 days a week.
I watch no television.
and I think any thing is possible.

Nothing crystallized the transition more than two pictures..
I debated doing this because you are supposed to do this when you hit goal weight.
Which I haven't....but I figured till then, this will do..
It won't make my goal weight picture any less dramatic..
Not for me anyways.

Click either to enlarge

I had popped up the picture on the left and thought I would look at the latest picture I had right beside it...and I just sat staring, because nothing says it like these two pictures.
From my hair, to my body to the fact that I say with everything about me in that first picture "I am ashamed" to the second picture that screams "I am happy."

That is what this can do for you.
It can strip away all the lies and it will show you who you really are and should have been all along.

food today
3 eggs 1 piece of toast 310 calories
1 salad with chicken and small amount of blue cheese with buffalo ranch dressing (not much) 350 cal.
2 cups coffee 240 cal.
(ran out of vitamins gotta pick some up)
5.5 ounces of turkey sausage with 2 t salsa (270 cal.)
3 cups broccoli with 1.7 ounces of feta 185 cal.
1 candy cane 40 cal.
3 crackers 36
1431 cal.

25 minutes arc trainer 250 cal.
20 minutes stair stepper 150 cal.
1 mile walk 100 cal.
100 sit-ups 50 cal?
total burn 550 cal.
( I am doing a hundred sit ups a day now instead of 158 every other day...we will see what kind of difference this makes in my abs.)
Have a great night


On the verge....and a quick blog award thank you.

On the verge of stomache flu.
My oldest had it yesterday and I feel queezy...so Of course I did what any sane person would do..
I got to the gym as quick as I could for the best workout I could squeeze in before the vomit fest begins.
I managed 30 minutes on the elliptical...a one mile walk and 70 situps...
Did not vomit!
I don't know about tomorrow, but If you think I am going to let a little something like vomiting sideline me..
You don't know me!
I will at least do some squats...or barring that...laying on the bed I can do chest presses.
That should keep illness at bay.
What fun is it to make someone sick if they refuse to quit?
not very.

it was a strange food day.
I had a lot of odds and ends to do today.
I forgot breakfast.
So I go to this half day parent thing at my youngest daughters homeschool enrichment course.
we go to all the classes to see what they are learning.
I had two options for eating.
A glazed donut or a chocolate frosted donut.
I could have waited for later when they broke out the frito lays and the pizza...but decided to do the least damaging of all possible options.
(Did you know if you are in an emergency situation, you can light a frito lay on fire and it will burn from 8-10 minutes because it has THAT.MUCH FAT?!)
I hate glazed donuts.
I ate one chocolate frosted donut.
It was truly heinous.
it was 250 calories of overly sweetened crap.
I scraped as much out of and off of the top of the donut as i could.
luckily it made me queezy enough that I didn't eat again till two when I had an egg white omelette with lean ham and mozzerella (1/3 cup) total 290 very filling calories for lunch.
(much better)
Then I had a cup of coffee 150 cal.
Then I had a chicken thigh....250 cal.
two vitamin chews 40 calories.
and I am about to eat dinner which will prbably be oatmeal for some reason.
I feel like oatmeal.
with milk in it and brown sugar and pecans 480 calories.
and maybe 10 carrots later as a snack.
total 1460 without the carrots...

with carrots...well,just looked that up..no carrots.ol.
I wanted to Thank Allan for his spawn award.
(Karen, I haven't had a chance to swing by yet to pick up yours, I remember and will be by tomorrow.)
He gave it to me for honesty..and anyone who knows me, knows this is just about the highest compliment you can pay me.
I want people to see me and view me as a very honest person who has integrity.
That they get what they see and they see what they get..they never have to guess who they are dealing with or what my values or principles are.
This was a very nice award.
So thank you Allan..
Well, off to do a ton of laundry and eat some oatmeal.
Have a great night guys.


captain obvious reporting for duty....the social activism edition

Hey all,
Chris is off watching rudolph with her daughter, so I am here to report on some very very important advancements for women.

For instance...NOW, that distinguished bastion of women's rights, is championing every woman's right to look lazy and unkempt, dubbing December 'decembrow" (witty, is it not?)
NOW wants you to know that you no longer must be oppressed by those paternalistic tweezing fascists...exhorting you to allow your unibrow to grow into it's full glory.
That is what being a woman and these days, a feminist, is all about.
So basically, after you all have burned your bra and allowed your unibrow to grow (and looking both saggy and hairy)...life should be fab and our male oppressors will be properly confused.
Who said NOW is irrelevant.
After all, we can't all be protesting female circumcision in africa, now can we?

moving on...

Students in london this week are protesting an increase in tuition rates.
Motivated, aren't they...unfortunately one of them chose to swing off their countries flag while demanding their "rights". A flag attached to a war memorial of dead british soldiers.
Making them look like spoiled brats who know the term rights, but not the cost of them.
Something no education gained at a university anywhere can teach.
Captain obvious has a solution.
Let them join the military and then earn the tuition.
That way they know both.

Captain obvious would also like to report that Chris did her walk today and ate her alotted calories.
Have a good one.
Obviously done.


"And then I'll be happy!"

Any sentence that starts or ends like that is rarely true.

Hey all,
I just realized something...I am starting to sound a bit like the beginning of grizzly adams...you know, a voice over introducing the story..
I self analyze way too much.

Onto my blog post.
Great day.
calories in at 1440
and burn in at 550 calories.

Okay, So I am still going with the every day till may thing. I have been doing like a three on and then one 'off'...(meaning a three mile walk only) It's my easy workout...the other three are like two intense and one moderate. Todays was moderate.
I did 1 mile walk 100 calories burned
20 minutes on the stairstepper 180 calories burned
13 minutes on an arc trainer (cool and weird at the same time) 126 calories burned.
and finally 10 minutes on my precor 104 calories burned...
Then 158 situps which I counted as around 40 calories burned (have no real idea)

So, tomorrow is one hour on the precor and I always burn at least 600 on that thing...love it...plus upper body weights.

On to the title of my post.
On sundays, after the gym, I go grocery shopping.
I am very hungry after I work out, so it's an exercise in self control/self torture.
I pick up chocolate and see if it has suddenly become calorie free overnight..and upon finding it is not so...sigh and set it down.
So i buy a new curling iron (my old one broke..and I only had it for about three years...the one before I had FOREVER..my youngest told me that was because I never used it...well, I used my last one almost daily. I said "oh, that's true."....)
I decide since I am sitting at 820 calories that I was going to get a tall bold coffee at the starbucks in the lobby and put 2 T half and half (40 cal) and some splenda in it...but not before picking up the biscotti and sighing over it's 170 calorie 'pricetag' and setting it back down,and dismissing the pastry case as undoable if I wanted a decent dinner.
So I get my coffee and I am making it drinkable when a lady comes in...A lady who was about my size when I started.
The lady behind the counter greeted her (in much the same way the kfc drive thru guy used to greet me as I was coming through to pick up my deep fried cheese curds....with ranch dip)
She (the lady ordering) stated that she nearly didn't make it...and the other girl said "I wondered where You were, I have your order waiting...a grande white mocha with a brownie...
(that my dears is 910 calories altogether) I know.
I used to drink that drink...I was drinking that drink the day my flip switched.
The brownie I have looked up to see if it would be a viable calorie choice when I take my kids on fridays...it wasn't.
I had a little twinge right there.
Then she said something that stopped me in my tracks...
She said "I always look forward to coming here and getting this...so I can sit down and eat and be HAPPY."

And I thought, "Oh, that is not going to make you happy."

It will feel good for the ten to twenty minutes you are eating it....You will feel comforted..warm inside.
You will feel happy and homey and it will taste good.
But then you will notice that people are there, and wonder if they are judging you.
Then after, the guilt creeps in because you know you shouldn't have eaten it....it won't get you any healthier...
But, if she was anything like I was...she will just shut that voice off by getting another brownie.

And I looked down at my coffee and felt my stomach growl.
And knew that in just another hour I would be eating something that would move me towards my goals instead of away from them.

That never again would I look to a brownie for happiness...when I could create it myself.
Real happiness is feeling alive.
Being able to play tag with my daughter...being able to go all day and join in.
Being able to get in a swim suit and go swimming instead of sitting on the edge of the pool..ashamed of my size.
being able to BREATHE when I lay flat on my back.
Knowing I have probably (God willing) added years to my life through healthier eating and living.
Things that no brownie that was ever made, created or devised would be able to give me.

food list
breakfast 2 eggs 1 piece of toast 240 cal.
1 egg white omelette with 1/4 cup mozzerella and salsa 200 cal.
1 banana 100 cal.
2 cups coffee 240 cal.
1 cup coffee with half and half and splenda 40 cal.
salad greens 4 cups 40 cal.
tomato 3.5 ounces 21 cal.
cucumbers 6 cal.
2 T light dressing 40 cal.
4 ounces buffalo chicken breast 210 cal.
1 ounce feta 75 cal.
16 grams chopped pecans 125 cal.
2 vitamin chews and three crackers and 1 T butter...

(recording food is a pain...but it's working)
Have a good one guys,


weigh in...

Hey guys,
I had a good day today. I ate forty too many calories though...
so 1510.
It won't be problem tomorrow.
I had a very good burn in the gym.
I did 53 minutes on the elliptical and 5 on the new arc trainer...that thing is coooool.
I also did upper body weights.
I am so psyched about all the new equipment at the gym.
We have two other areas to exercise in now.
four more precors. It should be easier to get on the equipment now.
I burned a total of 650 calories...but with the excess food I lost 40 calories through through overconsumption of food so it is only 610 calories.
I will be doing the stairstepper and the bike tomorrow along with a two mile walk.
It should give me a nice 500 to 550 calorie deficit.
Now, on to weigh in...
I weighed in at 148....AT NIGHT.
When I weighed in at the start of this 'every day till may' exercise thing..I weighed in at 149 in the morning.
I weigh myself twice a day.
I have been weighing in at lower in the mornings but I am going back to my old way of doing things...waiting till I hit that weight at night for two consecutive nights in a row before 'calling' it.
Now, when I get to goal weight I will take my morning weight...I plan to hover somewhere between 132-135. It's generally a three pound variation from morning till night.
My body is really releasing this weight.
I think a couple months resetting my set point for my body may have turned out to be a good thing after all.
1 granola bar 190 calories
1 egg white omelette with 1/4th cup mozzerella cheese and 3 T. salsa 150 cal.
1 cup fage 150 cal.
2 and a half T honey 150 cal.
2 la tortilla factory tortillas 100
4 ounces 93 percent lean beef 160 cal.
1/2 cup lowfat chedder 160 cal.
1 tomato 30 cal.
2 chews 40 cal.
2 cups coffee 245 cal.
one candy cane 40 cal.
4 crackers 1 teaspoon butter 98 cal

total cals. 1513...my problem..I forgot to calculate my vitamin chews in the mix...ack.
oh well... onward and downward.

and tonight I just wanted to say a little something about empathy.
We have a tradition in this country of building people up and tearing them down..
and today while driving around I felt an unexpected jolt of something resembling pity for an entirely unexpected person.
John Edwards.
I know, I know.
I have thought every thought you are thinking.
But my thoughts today were this.
there is only one life to a customer.
He was married for over 30 years to one woman. They had children together, they loved each other..and in the end he was with her.
You don't live that long, and love that long without there being a whole lot more than romantic love sitting in that room at the end.
YOu have two friends in that room..one who hurt the other terribly.
And that is something he can never take back.
She looks stoic and noble (which she was)
She did herself nothing but honor and credit.
He has to live with it.
Knowing what he did and knowing his children know.
Knowing that when it counted most he let someone down in the worst way possible. I wouldn't want to be in his skin.
We are all human, and we all fail.
The biggest kick in the crotch is living with it.
Like my loose skin...or my memories of my failures in regards to some things I could have done better...or words I should never have said...
So, I intend to practice more empathy in the future and let God take care of the rest.
Even with my former stepfather. I have to let go of cracking him...
knowing life has done that already.
So, have a great one guys.


tying it all together

okay..so what does self respect, setting boundaries and relationships have to do with weight loss..
short answer
It's hard enough losing weight without emotional sabatogue on every level.
Of course it is hard to deal with..
It's even harder to deal with when you stop using the one crutch you have used for years.
If you haven't learned how to handle your nearest and dearest (this includes you) through strait forward and constructive communication,
You will use your food crutch..
and that my friends, is death to the diet.

So....straighten out your relationships so they won't be huge obstacles on your way to good health.
I am keeping it short tonight..I am watching the wizard of Oz with my little one and then heading to bed early.

today was my weekly trip to barnes and nobles with my kids.
I always get a sweet treat while there...but I didn't go off my calorie plan
So if my food looks not the greatest..that is because
for today
it wasn't.
But this isn't the norm...
2 eggs/1 piece of toast 240 cal.
2 cups of coffee with sugar and milk 240 cal.
1 morning roll (quasi cinnamon roll from starbucks...less fatty, fewer cals) 350 cal.
1 coffee with splenda and 2 T. half and half 40 cal.
1 candy cane 40 cal.
6 ounces turkey sausage 270 cal.
6 ounces green and red bell pepper 35 cal.
6 mushrooms 25 cal.
1 tsp oil 50
8 crackers 96 cal.
1 T butter 100
1/4 cup pecans 200
40 cals for vitamin chews
So, I came in at 1454 calories today...
I did a three mile walk for a 300 calorie burn...
Back to the gym tomorrow for an even better burn.
pretty good.
Hope you all had a great day.
Will talk to you some more tomorrow...On Sunday I will update my weight.
My weigh ins are going amazingly well...so, Good news on Sunday I hope.
so coolness.
chris out.


Drawing boundaries...earning respect.

So if you are responsible for how people treat you...then how can you get them to treat you differently.
I had to learn how to draw boundaries.
The most difficult boundaries I had to learn to draw were with my husband.
He had a habit of being very blunt and sometimes just downright mean in how he spoke to me.
When he was in a mood I had learned to 'tip toe' around him and I would try to make things easier or smooth things over so he would get in a better mood.
At first I would try to be super cheerful.
Here is the funny thing.
He never cheered up till he had made me sad or angry.
So after I had my little revelation about how I was responsible for how people treat me,
I realized that by coddling him in his temper tantrums...trying to smooth things over, I was encouraging the very behavior I was hoping to put an end to.
He was trying to 'punish' me when he was in a bad mood..and I was ALLOWING it.
So...once I realized this I decided to no longer participate.
This was very scary for me...I have had a fear from childhood that I was unlovable, so actually learning to demand loving behavior was scary...but I learned to do it.
When he decided to be an ass... the bad mood would go something like this...
He couldn't find something...he would start tossing the house in his attempt to find something.;
I would run around like a maniac trying to help him find it.
On the day I decided to change...I was doing something..laundry I think.
He says..I can't find _______
I say "I'm sorry to hear that..I will help you look shortly"
He goes into house tossing mode.
I ask him to quit because He just makes a bigger mess for me to pick up.
He gets snide.
I leave.
I left the house.
I don't think he actually believed it.
I came back in a few hours.
I told him I wouldn't be talked to like that...and next time if he wanted help he would have to ask in a nice manner.
did that automatically fix everything

It takes consistency.
Do not allow anyone to talk to you in a snide or condescending matter.
Here is a good, concrete example.
My mother..
now I know you might have gotten a bad impression yesterday.
We have talked about it since and I don't think she meant to imply any such thing.
In fact I told her I felt that I was a burden and why (part of diggin out my chicken coup) and she was SHOCKED.
but I digress.
My mother expects a clean house.
We all know it.
No one would walk through her house with shoes on.
no one.
When she pulls into the drive way you should see people hop to...picking up any mess they have left lying about and straightening stuff....
in one particularly amusing episode, I watched my stepdad notice it was ten minutes till mom got home and he realized he had not unloaded the dishwasher.
he was out there, unloading it.
My mom has taught people what she expects.
We do it all the time, in every relationship we are in...we establish boundaries and then we test those boundaries.
Sometimes those boundaries take negotiation.
I am almost positive every married person has a boundary of 'no cheating'.
it's a line you don't cross unless you want some pretty serious consequences.
Well, the boundaries in my marriage up till 2006-2007 were almost all on my husband's side and when I started drawing some of my own....there was resistance.
But draw them, because when you do, your husband will respect you for it.
Don't allow him to talk to you in a way you wouldn't allow a store clerk or a friend.
Expect him to remember important dates and anniversaries.
Expect him to be comforting and loving.
And when his isn't...state your feelings calmly and be prepared to deliver consequences.
I once didn't make him dinner after he had talked to me in a condescending manner.
IF he hurts my feelings, I let it show and I tell him. I don't let him off the hook until he apologizes.
In one infamous instance, I allowed his gas on E to remain on E even when I knew because he had done it to me on a night when I had to pick up my oldest. I barely made it to the gas station. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said he forgot...when I asked if he was sorry he said no.
So when I happened to notice his on E...( I was forever filling up his tank) I just didn't say anything.
He nearly ran out of gas and I gave him the same response.
New attitude achieved.
If he is crappy with me when 'asking' me to do something I simply won't do it until the correct attitude is achieved. I am not his doormat.
The way I am treated, and the way I expect to be treated are 180 degrees different now. And this didn't start once I got skinny...this started three years ago.
If someone isn't willing to treat you well, and won't change...

I would suggest that perhaps they are unable to love anyone and it doesn't have a thing to do with you.
And you deserve better.
Now suppose it's your mother. You call her and she is running you down for some reason...maybe it's her standard operating procedure...something like "Oh dear, being forgetful is so like you...you never did have your head on straight."
You say, "Funny, I never forget things anymore...people who know me tell me that I am the most competent person they know."
If she keeps at it then tell her straight out "mom, next time you come at me with negativity I am hanging up."
Let her eat that one.
Love yourself.
Trust yourself.
draw lines in the sand that people don't want to cross unless they want to draw back a bloody nub.

I ate
three eggs 1 toast 310
1 bowl soup 320 cal.
1 banana 100 cal.
2 cups coffee 240 cal.
1 pita pizza 480 cal.
total calories 1450
today 3 mile walk
I will be doing a 3 mile walk tomorrow as well...
my right leg is a little gimpy so I am giving it a chance to rest.
have a great night guys,


mikreh-How I overcame my mental struggles part 1

I have been thinking about this post all day.
I don't even know how to address this to someone who doesn't know how much they are worth apart from how humans view you.
so I won't even try.
You can't teach or believe something you don't really believe.
I don't think anyone on this planet is an accident or 'unplanned'.
I don't believe in coincidence.
Did you know there is no hebrew word for coincidence?
There is the hebrew word Mikreh which simply means it happened from God...which is about the farthest thing from coincidence there is.
That is fate.
YOu were planned from the foundations of the earth...
That is a truth that is good and pure and one you can hold on to.

Before we go any deeper into it at this point I would say that it is not only important to know your weaknesses, It is also important to know your strengths.
So quick.
Name three things you are good at.
1.) Knowing that God loves me.
2.) persistence (sticking to what I know is right...I am NOT A QUITTER)
3.) I have no expectations that life is fair.

Once you have your three things, write them down and put them in your pocket so you will remember.

These three things brought me through a multitude of bad times.
Even when I didn't have a lot of the coping skills I currently have.
Knowing what your strengths are is key to overcoming your weaknesses.
You will be able to fall back on them when you are skill building.

I want to talk about the biggest lie I accepted as truth.
The lie that I was unlovable.
I knew God loved me...but for much of my life I had run into people (particularly men) who couldn't love. My biological father abandoned my mom while she was pregnant with me.
The man she married nicknamed me stupid (as well as being physically, and mentally abusive...)
I had an older brother who had a lot of issues, so he kind of sucked up all the oxygen in the room.
Especially with my mom.
I learned early to be the 'good one'.
I never complained. I never asked for help...
My mom was very honest and basically told me that I was the product of a one night stand..and that she could have gotten an abortion but didn't.
I don't think she meant that the way it sounded...but after that I always viewed myself as a ' burden to her.
But I did know that I was no accident, because I believed in God.
So it wasn't that God didn't love me, it was just that people didn't.
(which was untrue-It was just that I was with the wrong group of people.)
At least that was my faulty thinking...I just didn't realize that I was thinking it...till I started examining my relationships with people and my motivations for doing the things I was doing.

My thinking I was unlovable brought me to a place where I never told anyone when I was sad, or disappointed or angry or happy even.

I kept it all to myself..trying to be a rock of Gibraltar.
I did this especially to my husband.
I couldn't see how he could love me So I tried to take care of everything and never ask him for anything..to be frank, it turned him into a spoiled rotten brat in the relationship department.
When we were dating he bought me things and did things for me...
When we got married I did everything..
And it got to the point where I never got a christmas gift, or a birthday present or a card.
Because through my own actions...I taught him how to treat me.
I taught him how to view me...and silently I told him through my actions what I thought of myself.
At that time in 2005 (when I was at my bottom but realizing finally what I was lacking).
I received an invite to my little brothers wedding...
I knew that I wanted to go and that I wanted to go alone...5 days alone..
I also knew my husband was in no shape to handle the kids so I did my first act in my self reclamation project...
i called my mother in law.
I asked someone to put themselves out just for me.
And she did.
I asked, I got.
a Revelation indeed.
To read about my trip to vegas go here:

When I got back from that trip I KNEW my relationship with my husband would have to change...and that I was going to start with me..that it may get ugly...it may even end.
But I couldn't live like that anymore.
It was a choice.
Well..after all that reading, ya'll are probably tired.
so...you are lovable...and you treat people how to treat you by what you allow or don't allow.
You do deserve better.

My food today
21/2 eggs (don't ask) 175 cal.
1 piece toast 100 cal (275)

2 cups coffee with 4 T sugar and 1/2 cup milk (245 cal.)

Then made a honkin salad which I split in half
5.5 ounces iceburg lettuce 23 cal.
3 ounces bell pepper 15 cal
3.5 ounces tomato 18 cal.
7.7 ounces chicken 230 calories (boneless skinless breast)
4 T light dressing 100 cal.
1/4 cup 2 percent shredded chedder (80 cal.)
Total calories: 466
I split this in two..had half for lunch and then the other half for dinner

4.5 ounces of chicken 193 cal.
1/2 cup sweet potato mashed 90 cal.
1 T butter 100
1 T brown sugar 30 (413)
other half of above salad...calories already counted.

1 candy cane 40 calories
total for the day 1439....woohooooo!
Day two on program
and exercise...
back to the gym-45 minutes precor 430 calories
one mile walk 100 calories
158 situps...no real idea so 50 calories
total: 580 calories burned.
All deficit baby...lol.
so two day deficit total
650 plus 580
1230 calories..a few more like the last two and the first pound is GONE.
Have a great night guys.


In the beginning..

There was just me...
Big ole fat me...
in about 2005 I was at the bottom.
Mentally, physically and emotionally.
Old readers know this.
New readers may, if they were
A.) incredibly ambitious and read the whole blog
B.) mind readers

I was going through my husband's third and eventually fourth deployment to Iraq.
I had been alone for a long time. I was homeschooling, i had no breaks of any kind really.
I had no real support system here...I had one friend but you can't just dump all this crap on one person.
I had no family close by and no one to really, really talk to.
I found out my brother had a progressive terminal illness ( he is still alive) and to top it all off I miscarried.
So, two months after the miscarriage I enrolled my oldest daughter in a self defense class.
For discipline, because I simply didn't have the energy to correct her anymore.
And I found myself watching her instructor with this question foremost in my mind.
"Why is he so D*mn happy?"

I felt dead inside.
No joy, no pain, no sorrow.
Just "i have to get up, and do what I should and go to bed'
My only joy was food.
after the miscarriage I felt myself slip even further away.
I couldn't even respond correctly to my kids.
And since I had to go three times a week to this class and sit and watch this dude...
There was that nagging question..
Where did he get all that energy?
Why was he so happy?
Why was he so helpful?
Then one day I got it.
He was PASSIONATE about what he was doing!
I mean, sold out to it.
All in.
And I thought.
What do I have in my life that I am PASSIONATE ABOUT?
I loved my kids.
But at that point everything in my life felt like duty.
In fact, I couldn't even remember what it felt like.

And I realized that I wanted that.
I wanted to feel passionate about something.
That was it...that was the spark.
But once I realized that I wanted to feel something.
That I wanted to feel Excited, happy and passionate.
I realized that I had set my WHOLE LIFE UP TO BE DUTY.
That the map I had created, the rules I had set up for both myself and others...my very principles were what was causing me to be sucked dry.
Sure there were a lot of culprits.
But the truth was...it was how I had set up and constructed my reality that was the root of my problem.
Here are some personal truths that can throw a wrench in your gears.

1.) I am responsible for my spouses happiness.
2.) A mother should put herself last.
3.) Don't be a burden, be a blessing.
4.) when your work is done, then you can play.
5.) I must not make others uncomfortable with my wants.

These look good on the surface but underneath can cause some SERIOUS ISSUES.
And quite frankly, these 'truths' were rooted in past trauma. So to even get to what my truths are (because I couldn't identify them when I started) I had to name them, and then trace them back to the roots of where they came from. Then dig them up, hold them to the light and decide if they were real diamonds or just big chunks of chicken crap.
Many of these were truths I stumbled over before I lost the weight, and some AS I lost the weight. These were 'truths' that were much more deeply buried..truths I didn't even know I lived by.
The biggest truth and the one that caused alot of the punchline truths up above?
That I was unlovable, so I had better make myself useful.
But all of these 'truths' had led me to a point where I had many symptoms.

Burnout. Resentment. Bad Health. Loneliness. Isolation. A sense of inferiority and a Fearful Soul.
I will start talking about how I over came these issues tomorrow (and how I am still overcoming them).
When you are swimming in this much crap, you have to clear some of it out before you can start to move forward. It took me four years of getting healthy mentally before I was ready to face myself physically.

So, as promised.
My food...(I am sure you are all riveted)
1 BACC (big @ss cuppa coffee)
2 small cups of coffee
in my big cup I had 1/3 cuppa milk and 3 Tbs sugar (178 calories)
2 small cups
total 1/2 cuppa milk and splenda...(65 cal.) (these were interspersed throughout my day to keep me from being too hungry)
2 large eggs/1 extra large egg with 1 piece dry toast (320 cal.)
(let me explain first...I hoover food after my workout which is between 4-6 pm. I come home and need at least 200 calories out the door, so my intention is to keep it light in the middle of the day.)
I ate chicken bullion "soup" with a smidge of green onion... (12 cal.)
Then I ate 5.5 ounces of skinless apple slices with splenda and cinnamon (75 cal.)
Then I ate 3 thin slices of ham with 1/2 of a wedge of laughing cow..( 40 cal.)

Then I go and do my workout
33 minutes elliptical 330 calories
23 minutes stationary bike 185 calories
1 mile walk 100 calories
upper body weights
(calculated low around 50 calories)
total probable burn 665 calories.

Now I am hungry...really hungry.
I come home (and as sad as this is...the only thing that got me through that bike ride was the thought that once I got home, I could have 10 crackers with one Tablespoon of butter)
what I actually had was
6 crackers with 1 Tbn of butter
and 2 more crackers with the other half of the laughing cow cheese wedge (213 cal.).

and then dinner
7.7 ounces of chicken with 2 Tbsn of coating...(280 calories)
31/2 cups of broccoli (70 cal.)
2 Tbspns of parmesan cheese (40 cal.)
5 walnut pieces 80 cal.

2 chews
1 multi vitamin (20 cal.)
1 calcium chew (20 cal.)

Which puts me at 1403... So by rights I could go down and eat 67 calories of something...
But there really isn't anything I want.
That isn't covered in chocolate.
have a good night guys.
See you tomorrow.


All you need is a spark...

To set the whole thing off...

Hey all.
I was walking today (I am moving every day till may 18th)
Three miles.
It was my "no work out, work out."
3 miles is nothing to me.
It's a stroll...a little pitter patter down the way and back.
A chance to recollect...think, meander, ponder.
As I was doing all three I almost started crying..
Because I remembered when I started.. this three mile walk used to hurt.
It used to make my feet feel like red hot pokers were being shoved into them.
Because I was over 100 lbs overweight.
Halfway through those walks, the only way I could mitigate the pain was to take my shoes off.
At that point I didn't have exercise clothes...Just these oversized t shirts I bought that I had written in puffy paint "Do or Do not, there is no try'...and I didn't care how stupid I looked.
I knew I had to win.
I would slug along with one phrase over and over in my head.
Faint puke or die but keep walking.
Thank you jillian micheals.
NOw...it's not a workout...it's my meditation time.
My one day break from my stairmaster and my elliptical and weight lifting and stairstepping and situps.

Here's a little excerpt from that time:

From July 22nd, 2009 My weight on July 22nd? 242 lbs.

Today, I did my three mile walk. As anyone knows, when your doing a long walk or exercise routine, it is really easy to drift in your mind and slow up. I had pushed myself for the first mile and a half (it has a slight upgrade the whole way) and I was coming back down when I saw someone coming in the distance. She had all the gear on, walking shoes, t shirt and jog shorts....and she was holding something to her ear, I thought, maybe it's a radio? But no, it was a CELL PHONE. While on this long walk, she chose to call someone. In my head, I heard JIllian say "she's always phoning it in'. "It's always half *ssed, no intensity...giggling..he he...it's just so tiring." I then realized that my pace had slowed coming back down the hill. In fact, while I had been getting mildly sweaty in each workout, there was no real burn involved. There was no intensity to what I was doing. I was, in essence, putting in my time. Suddenly, I wanted to get ugly sweaty. I wanted to make it count. IF I am going to do a one hour workout, one hour of my life, I want to make it count for something. So I pushed. When I thought I couldn't keep up the pace, there was jillian's voice saying..unless you faint, puke or die, keep walking. So I did. I did my three miles in 51 minutes. Now that's nothing to some of you but it had been a full hour for the last month. That was nine minutes off my time, simply because I refused to phone it in. What else can I do If I set out to do my absolute best daily.

Now I meditate that walk in 45 minutes.
My feet are fine. I wear fancy running shoes...I have 'exercise clothes".
I go to the gym...I feel pretty.
I won.
But I couldn't see here from there. I had no idea what was waiting for me.
I had to have blind faith that things would turn out well.
I had to be willing to wait and see.

I weighed in this morning a smidge under 149 lbs.
I want to weigh 147 lbs by December 23rd.
146 By January 1rst and then 140 by march 17th.
All very doable.
To lose 2 lbs by december 23rd I need to have at least a 500 calorie deficit a day.
I will do it.
I will be exercising daily and for the next two weeks I will be posting my food intake at the bottom of my blog with weighed in and precise calorie counts.
1470 is my food limit for the next two weeks..
I had been 149.5 forever, but now am 149.
Soon to be 147.
I went out tonight and bought veggies and cut them up and stuffed them in the fridge.
I have something I want to say about what motivates me and what really got me started toward losing weight... but this blog is much too long already.
It has everything to do with straightening out my issues and finding out what I want out of life.
So I will post it tomorrow.
Have a great night.


captain obvious reporting for duty...

Hey all,
Around here we have a little name for morons who spout the obvious.
But lately there is so much malarkey that I thought I would bring Captain obvious out to play.

Like this..
(I would say this is saturday snark..but...
we don't do snark around here..
We merely report the obvious.)
First up.
Mr. Ted Turner..owner of cnn...news you can rely on..
His take on healthcare vs. Global warming..

Because apparently health care isn't a life or death issue.
Captain obvious would like to state that mammograms beat furry mammals in the life and death lottery. (although mammals are cuter)

In other news...
Captain obvious would like to state that crazy people are allowed to write things and post them on the internet.
Captain obvious understands that we all know the government's fluoridation of the drinking water is a conspiracy to keep us compliant, but spraying us with chemicals from the sky is a little far fetched.


And in even more news...
Captain obvious sees the government would like it's workers to 'please not view online leaked documents from wikileaks" as these documents are 'classified'.
Captain obvious finds the governments continued devotion to mediocrity and ineptitude, and their long standing history of being behind the eight ball commendable.
No sense in mucking things up with 'information' at this late stage.

And finally,
in the people are lonely section

This little gem

One of New York City's (midtown Manhattan's) favorite meet-up spots, according to an October report in The New York Times, is Colombian artist Fernando Botero's 12-foot-tall "Adam" statue at Time Warner Center. However, since Adam is nude and the statue is so pedestrian-friendly, maintaining it has become a problem, according to the center's general manager. As the Times described it, "Most of Adam is deep dark brown," but the easily-accessible penis "is worn golden from extensive handling." (The Times also noted that "(a)t the Botero" is a less-popular meet-up suggestion than "(u)nderneath the penis.") [New York Times, 10-21-10]

Captain obvious is tired and is going to bed.

*Hey, this is me chris...
had a good day and did my workout...will be back tomorrow with my weight and a two week goal.
Have a good one guys.


winning the diet struggle.

Hey all.
Had a great day.
someone gag a little
I have been having some good days lately (yeah me).
I know how it is to struggle in this.
To have days when all you want to do is eat.
I have been seeing the struggle theme lately and I wanted to comment on it.
I have said I don't like to be negative.
But I do like to be realistic.
You can lose 100 lbs and then regain every. single. pound.
You can even be aware you are doing it.
but feel helpless to stop it.

I have an idea about how to stop it.
By stopping.
No, I am not being smart @ss.
I mean it..it's the only way.
By saying no.
The same way you say no to obnoxious men in bars.
Or to the local crackhead who wants five bucks.
or to your daughter when she wants to have a sleep over that includes boys.
Get back to the space in your head that tells you that food is your heroin and isn't something to be trifled with.
Because after doing this for 15 months...getting sidetracked for three (or five) months and then hopping back on the wagon.
I (through the grace of God) have maintained (in fact I made that a primary goal)...some of ya'll arent so lucky.
I have not said anything because I know that YOU KNOW.
Well...this is my blog so I can leave words and not single someone out.
It's about making it serious again.
seriously serious.
heart attack serious.
move it back up the totem pole of life.
Say no to that cheese on your sandwich.
No to the sugar snack in the middle of your day.
(or buttered crackers ;OP)
declare anything but whole grain bread verboten.
instigate a 'must exercise 6 days a week' policy
And last, but definitely not least
Forget your past success
Or you will coast on them.
Forget your past failures
Or you will get buried in them, in the shame.
Live in the now.
Today is all you can control
day by day.
Time will go.
Went to the gym and burned 400 calories on a stairstepper.
Tomorrow will be a big walk and situps...monday back to my precor and weights.
Have a good one.
See ya'll tomorrow
Chris out.


shades of thinness

Hey all,
How is it going?
Good I hope.
Back on the bandwagon today.
I did my elliptical and had a 650 calories burn.
I ate 1520 calories...so right on target.
I bought my little brother a Christmas gift.
It's hysterical.
It's a chia obama.
Where do they come up with this crap I don't know.
But this goes right along with our yearly ritual of handing over gag gifts so there you have it.
Found it at Kmart....of course.

So a few things that have happened over the last couple of days that didn't really merit their own blog but have been interesting none the less.
First thing,
My husband is on a 'diet' in the capital D sense.
This is the first Diet he has EVER been on.
He is 42, and was a green beret.
Used to eating whatever he wanted.
Well, it has caught up to him and he has about 20 to 25 lbs to lose to be "normal".
Now this is where I will point out that his dieting advice to me when I started was that I just
'shouldn't eat'.
After all, russians in gulags were skinny.
Then he would bring ice cream home and eat in front of me...etc.
He basically had no sympathy for my sensibilities.
So imagine my glee when the day before yesterday (on the first day of his diet)
He tells me that he was going to eat breakfast and nothing at all till dinner.
I said
Mmmmmooookay....but don't get so hungry you shove things willy nilly in your face.
So he eats a nice big omelette that I gave him a calorie count for...around 300 calories
So. I go run errands, go to the gym, and then go grocery shopping (I left him alone for about 5 hours)
I come in ready to make him the mother of all salads.
He looks at me and says
" I don't need dinner"
I said..."Oh, well, hon...you can't starve yourself"
HE said "I am not starving myself.."
I just ate a sleeve of ritz crackers and a half a block of cream cheese"
I said "what happened"
He said "I got hungry'
So I am sitting over there enjoying my delicious salad...
when he says
'Why don't you take that somewhere else?"
I say
"What's wrong?
Why don't you just NOT EAT!"
okay....I got up and took it away and won't do that again.
But man...that's been a long time coming.

So, I have been helping him over the last three days.
trying to.

Then there was last night.
I went to lowes.
I wanted to pick up some bags of sand to weigh down my posh outside Christmas tree...(It's windy here)
So, I go to load them in my cart and some dude walks down the aisle and says 'can I help you?"
I said
Sure, I just wanted to get some bags of sand..
He says "here let me get those"....
So he puts four 50lb bags of sand in my cart and then says..
"you'd think I work here..."
I say "You don't"
He says "no"
I say "thank you'
So....he says do you need help PUSHING YOUR CART.
I say NO thank you
I go and buy them.
I am going out in the parking lot and I spy the dude across the lot..
He walks all the way across the lot and says..
Do you need help loading those.
I say sure
(now this is after I have my Ted Bundy moment...you know the one...dark parking lot...decent looking guy waits for you to open a trunk and BAM he wHacks you in the head and then kills you and humps your dead corpse...btw, I never said I wasn't paranoid)
So he is piling my four bags of sand into the back of my van asking me if I am ready for christmas and driving in the snow and what are the bags of sand for and I say my 'outside' tree and he asks about decorating...and I say
Oh yeah, MY HUSBAND is really tall so he puts the topper on the tree..
dude says 'OH'.
It was nice.
can I tell you how many times I was helped with heavy objects by strange men when I was fat...
Since I got thin
4 times.
In about an 8 month period of time.
This all happened once I hit around 155 lbs.
I got a flirtation here and there at a higher weight..
But the hurrying up to hold the door.
The hefting of dog bags, sand bags and posts...
under 155.
Shades of thin..
Get thin enough, you get stuff lifted for you.
I am in a quandary about it.
pissed, flattered....strangely bemused...a little creeped out.
You name it.
hope you all are having a good day,
Talk to you later,


It's that time again...

The kids and I went to kmart (home of the blue light special) to shmutz around and see what we could find.
We picked up a bunch of lights and a snoopy and woodstock on a doghouse lawn ornament.
It lights up and everything.
We have an 'outside tree' this year...that was our old tree that the dog peed on in the garage and we can't really get the smell out so we stuck it on our front porch.
people think we're posh..(probably cause they aren't standing downwind)
So the lights are up outside
So we went and got a 'real' tree for inside.
The girls and I went to pick it out.
The first tree lot was a little pricey so we went across the way and found a relatively inexpensive one.
It's a noble pine.
We liked that.
We have named it charlie...we also named my van imogene and the guidance system pilot.
We are namers.

I went and got a movie and we are going to watch labrynth while I finish putting the lights on the tree.
I did a three mile walk today and ate 1800 calories, no excuses, no regrets.
Not great, maintenance for my weight with the walk.
But tomorrow It's back on the lower calorie intake and I am back to the gym.
Should rack up a nice 700 calorie deficit tomorrow.
But for now I will leave you with a little celine dion.
I know alot of people really hate her..but I like her.
And I swear this is the best version I have heardof my favorite song ever....

Then again, I also like Neil diamond.
So...a little Christmas music to lighten your evening.
Have a good one


No need to exercise with your butt hanging out...

as you can see by the title, I have an issue...
With women who go to the gym with their butts hanging out.
I am not talking butt CHEEKS.
I am talking...the top half.
It's not that their butts are so large that they don't fit in the pants.
It's that they wear their pants_ as if they think_ flipping down the waistband to the point where their butt crack shows is "a good look".
Where I'm from it was called plumber pants.
Even worse is when you muffin top your plumber pants.
That's a two point deduction in the style parade.
So, there I am....on my precor efx.
Admittedly with lipgloss gracing my face (possibly irritating some of the hard core gym goers...in any case I am covered from head to toe...all the lady bits that is)
...humming along to whatever inane filler crap is on at 5 o clock in the afternoon...songs like "I am a drunk ho who washes her mouth out with a bottle of alcohol" etc. (I don't think that is the actual title of the song...but I was listening long enough to acknowledge that the protagonist of the song reminded me of a friend I had in high school by the name of sticky vicky)
Drunk ho stashes her bottle of jack in her purse because she can't leave the alcohol behind...giggle...she won't be coming back...(until the morning with a bad case of the clap)but i digress)
So I am pounding away when a gal walks by looking a little loose in the joints.
Don't know how else to describe it...it's like she is too lazy to put all the parts together into a cohesive movement and so she kind of shambles and shlumps along to the stairstepper in front of me.
off comes the sweatshirt and lo and behold
There is asscrackistan.
She lumbers onto the stair master and proceeds to give me and the people around me quite a show.
One inch turned to three as the wobble wobble wobble of her muffin top jiggled and joggled her workout pants...the word pink stretched mightily over her posterior...slipping lower and lower.
After about 6 minutes of this 'workout'....she finally realizes her pants are not ready for her jelly, so off she pops.
to meet up with her friend who is dressed in a similarly disturbing manner.

I only mention this because I didn't want to write another
Great day...blah blah blah post.
It was..
good intake 1560 calores
650 calorie burn...
day five of every day till may 18th.
going to walk tomorrow.
Do any of you have people who dress this way at the gym.
Maybe they should be studied.
darted, bagged and let loose at a night club.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


Every day till May 18th....

That is how the exercise will go for the next few months.
Every day.
I found my new best friend.
I found a salad I like.
It has feta...mmmm....feta.
First let's look at my day and yesterday as well.
BOth were really good.
I ate under 1500 both days.
Yesterday I had an 800 calorie burn with one hour on the elliptical, a half mile walk, 158 situps, and upper body weights.
I felt great.
Today I did a combination of things.
I did 20 minutes on the stair stepper and burned 165 calories
I did 22 minutes on a puny elliptical (not my precor ;oP) and burned 150 calories.
Then I did a 2 mile walk which burned 200 calories.
Grand total 515 calories burned.
Tomorrow it's back to my precor, situps and weights.
I think I will take a three mile walk on Thursday to avoid burnout.
Then back to the gym for friday and saturday with a four mile walk at home on Sunday.
Exercising keeps me focused and gives me momentum.
It works for me.
just 'not eating'.
Feels like crap.
I want to feel like I am doing something.

I wanted to say a little more about my philosophy regarding humiliation or negativity.
If humiliation had worked for me I would have been thin years ago.
I was mooed at.
I was called names.
I once had a guy throw a milk carton at me and call me a cow.
I was told I would be 'pretty' if only I would drop thirty pounds.
(upon hearing this bit of news, I dropped around 180 lbs by dropping the drip who said it)
But you know, nobody could say anything to me that I hadn't said to myself.
I called myself
big fat pig
You name it. Having it come out of someone else's mouth was not a surprise, it was a confirmation.
And when you truly believe you are all those things.
Why try?
My own mother threatened to call Richard simmons.
On my brother in laws wedding day I was so fat I had to borrow a dress shirt from my other bil because the outfit I picked was too tight by the time the wedding rolled around.
I attended that wedding in a pair of stretchy pants and a button up mens shirt.
That was humiliating.
I spent years avoiding swimming pools and parties and pictures.
What was different On May 4th 2009?
I had worked out a lot of my emotional issues before coming to my inspiration that day.
I didn't get up the courage to tell people to take a flying leap by thinking I was a big bag of crap.
I got up the courage to set boundaries, to go to the gym and take time for myself because I finally got that I was worth it.
That I was a person of worth.
That I had a life to live, one that God had given me, and that If I didn't start doing something my kids would lose their mother, my husband a wife, and me...
Well, I would lose out on life.
And suddenly, the food was no longer worth it.
It wasn't worth the pain, and the humiliation and the sickness and everything else.
I knew I deserved better.
And so do every one of you.
I know where you are when you binge.
When you binge you are telling yourself you don't matter, what you want doesn't matter and that you aren't worth it.
I can't come along behind you and tell you the same thing your brain is already telling you.
because your brain is LYING TO YOU.
I will tell you that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Don't quit.
Even if you fail, get UP.
Get back on the horse.
Don't look back...go forward.
Keep trying.
quitting will do NO GOOD.
So, as a matter of endurance or stubborness, or whatever...
I am going to show you all that you can move every day for six months and not drop dead.
I really do like you guys immensely...
I root for you like you all root for me.
We can do this.
My goal for my birthday is to be 140 lbs.
This will put me in my 'normal' range.
5'4 inches and 140 lbs.
I don't want to spend another birthday overweight.
I have been overweight or fat on my birthday for the last 16 years.
My birthday is March 17th.
For whatever reason I think I can do it.
well, mostly because of this exercise thing.
Well...that's all for tonight.
Have a good night guys.


Focus on you...

I told that to a friend today.
Because I believe it.
I am not precient.
I have no idea what is in  anyone's heart or mind.
I am not here to be anyone's priest.
I will be their friend.
When I see my friend struggle I will give helpful advice.
When I see my friend succeed, I will give them support.
But I learned a looooong time ago that there is only one person I can control.
You will never see me write a dishonest or misleading comment on any blog.
If I don't have something nice to say, I don't say it.
That is a personal decision, and quite frankly.
It's nobody's business how I conduct myself morally unless it infringes upon someone else's ability to live.
If I have something constructive to say.
I say it.
This blog is about My journey.
I focus on me.
I am focused on improving my life and making my way to health.
My actions speak for me.
My life speaks for me.
I don't care what anyone thinks about my unwillingness to point out others flaws or failures.
Quite frankly, I have enough flaws and failures of my own to work on.
It would be hypocrisy of the highest order to tell others they are failures for the very failure I, myself, have lived.
I don't have all the answers and I don't pretend to.
I can only tell you what I am doing.
How I am growing.
And if you want to read, you will read.
If you don't. you won't.
No loss.
Tomorrow when you get up and start your day...look in the mirror and ask yourself what kind of life you want and then live it.
The only person who is going to live and die in your body is you.
The only person who is going to have to accept the consequences of your life is you.
Not me.
Not anyone else.
So, Focus on you.

Have a great night guys,