Every day till May 18th....

That is how the exercise will go for the next few months.
Every day.
I found my new best friend.
I found a salad I like.
It has feta...mmmm....feta.
First let's look at my day and yesterday as well.
BOth were really good.
I ate under 1500 both days.
Yesterday I had an 800 calorie burn with one hour on the elliptical, a half mile walk, 158 situps, and upper body weights.
I felt great.
Today I did a combination of things.
I did 20 minutes on the stair stepper and burned 165 calories
I did 22 minutes on a puny elliptical (not my precor ;oP) and burned 150 calories.
Then I did a 2 mile walk which burned 200 calories.
Grand total 515 calories burned.
Tomorrow it's back to my precor, situps and weights.
I think I will take a three mile walk on Thursday to avoid burnout.
Then back to the gym for friday and saturday with a four mile walk at home on Sunday.
Exercising keeps me focused and gives me momentum.
It works for me.
just 'not eating'.
Feels like crap.
I want to feel like I am doing something.

I wanted to say a little more about my philosophy regarding humiliation or negativity.
If humiliation had worked for me I would have been thin years ago.
I was mooed at.
I was called names.
I once had a guy throw a milk carton at me and call me a cow.
I was told I would be 'pretty' if only I would drop thirty pounds.
(upon hearing this bit of news, I dropped around 180 lbs by dropping the drip who said it)
But you know, nobody could say anything to me that I hadn't said to myself.
I called myself
big fat pig
You name it. Having it come out of someone else's mouth was not a surprise, it was a confirmation.
And when you truly believe you are all those things.
Why try?
My own mother threatened to call Richard simmons.
On my brother in laws wedding day I was so fat I had to borrow a dress shirt from my other bil because the outfit I picked was too tight by the time the wedding rolled around.
I attended that wedding in a pair of stretchy pants and a button up mens shirt.
That was humiliating.
I spent years avoiding swimming pools and parties and pictures.
What was different On May 4th 2009?
I had worked out a lot of my emotional issues before coming to my inspiration that day.
I didn't get up the courage to tell people to take a flying leap by thinking I was a big bag of crap.
I got up the courage to set boundaries, to go to the gym and take time for myself because I finally got that I was worth it.
That I was a person of worth.
That I had a life to live, one that God had given me, and that If I didn't start doing something my kids would lose their mother, my husband a wife, and me...
Well, I would lose out on life.
And suddenly, the food was no longer worth it.
It wasn't worth the pain, and the humiliation and the sickness and everything else.
I knew I deserved better.
And so do every one of you.
I know where you are when you binge.
When you binge you are telling yourself you don't matter, what you want doesn't matter and that you aren't worth it.
I can't come along behind you and tell you the same thing your brain is already telling you.
because your brain is LYING TO YOU.
I will tell you that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Don't quit.
Even if you fail, get UP.
Get back on the horse.
Don't look back...go forward.
Keep trying.
quitting will do NO GOOD.
So, as a matter of endurance or stubborness, or whatever...
I am going to show you all that you can move every day for six months and not drop dead.
I really do like you guys immensely...
I root for you like you all root for me.
We can do this.
My goal for my birthday is to be 140 lbs.
This will put me in my 'normal' range.
5'4 inches and 140 lbs.
I don't want to spend another birthday overweight.
I have been overweight or fat on my birthday for the last 16 years.
My birthday is March 17th.
For whatever reason I think I can do it.
well, mostly because of this exercise thing.
Well...that's all for tonight.
Have a good night guys.


Focus on you...

I told that to a friend today.
Because I believe it.
I am not precient.
I have no idea what is in  anyone's heart or mind.
I am not here to be anyone's priest.
I will be their friend.
When I see my friend struggle I will give helpful advice.
When I see my friend succeed, I will give them support.
But I learned a looooong time ago that there is only one person I can control.
You will never see me write a dishonest or misleading comment on any blog.
If I don't have something nice to say, I don't say it.
That is a personal decision, and quite frankly.
It's nobody's business how I conduct myself morally unless it infringes upon someone else's ability to live.
If I have something constructive to say.
I say it.
This blog is about My journey.
I focus on me.
I am focused on improving my life and making my way to health.
My actions speak for me.
My life speaks for me.
I don't care what anyone thinks about my unwillingness to point out others flaws or failures.
Quite frankly, I have enough flaws and failures of my own to work on.
It would be hypocrisy of the highest order to tell others they are failures for the very failure I, myself, have lived.
I don't have all the answers and I don't pretend to.
I can only tell you what I am doing.
How I am growing.
And if you want to read, you will read.
If you don't. you won't.
No loss.
Tomorrow when you get up and start your day...look in the mirror and ask yourself what kind of life you want and then live it.
The only person who is going to live and die in your body is you.
The only person who is going to have to accept the consequences of your life is you.
Not me.
Not anyone else.
So, Focus on you.

Have a great night guys,


On a roll..

Hey all,
I am sitting at 1100 calories and have my dinner all planned out.
I did a 3 mile walk..and while it was a bit cool, it wasn't too bad.
I went to church and the music was stellar.
I got home and decided to do some sprucing up.
I washed walls upstairs today.
I don't think it could get much cleaner in here...we will see.
I think I found that ellusive cleaning gene my mother was born with, but has escaped me for years.
Loving the motivation though.
I will be going back to the gym tomorrow and be hoping for a big burn.
It will be 'elliptical day'.
So that usually gives me a big 600 calorie burn.
I posted over at the gathering place..
just simple ideas on how to save money.
My biggest one..
avoiding fast food.
On the money side, it just makes sense.
It is not a good money value...
on the weight loss side it makes even more sense.
The calorie value is awful.
For the 330 calories you spend on a small mcdonald's cheeseburger you could make your own 4 ounce hamburger with 93 percent lean  beef- 200 cal, a sandwich thin 100 cal, and a slice of 2 percent cheese for 60 calories..add all the veggies and pickles you want..It might be 30 calories or so more...but it's loads more satisfying and cheaper without all the preservatives.

I am on track and feeling better than I have been in a long time.
I was in a funk for a while.
I know it stems from all the way back to my trip home.
I will have to think about that.
I am coming out of it though.
Hoping you all had a great day.


Crazy Good

Hey all.
man did I have a good day.
I got up feeling good.
Determined to have a 1500 calorie day.
And I had one.
Yeah Me!
I got to the gym and did an hour and a half of exercise.
I burned 600 calories.
And you all know about the key to the car, the refridgerators, and a few other things that have been peeing in my cheerios lately...
Well....We finally got rid of our old couch (they had to come pick it up)
and the only thing we had left in the garage to get rid of was our old fridge.
Well, When my husband came in from work he showed me a flyer someone had put on our door.
It was for free scrap metal haul away.
Well, for the garbage people to come and get it, it was going to take some money.
We had to have an electrician come out and 'decomission' it.
Then we would have had to pay extra for haul away.
well these guys did it for free..
So we also got rid of the fridge today.
I also got a 10 cent per gallon discount on gas when I filled up, and the coffee I drank today for mid morning snack was perfect.
Not too dark, not too light
I have milk and eggs for tomorrow morning, I straightened out my organizer and my house is clean.
Great day.
Tomorrow is church and then to the gym...
I have decided on an everyday till May exercise thing.
It doesn't mean hard core exercise every day.
Just some form of movement every single day till may 18th of next year.
Then If something big comes up and I miss a day I am not going to get bent out of shape...just pick up where I left off.
Jack lalanne did it all his life.
I can make it till may.
I will just be taking a nice stroll on the treadmill tomorrow for an hour while I read.
Hope you all have a great night.
Off to visit blogs.


Happy Black Friday

Well, I didn't go ANYWHERE today.
I did do a three mile walk.
I did eat like I wanted yesterday and took a walk today.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym and good eating.
So...How did you all do with your Thanksgiving?
Good I hope.
I am keeping it short tonight.
I have just posted at my other blog.
It's for those interested in food storage and emergency preparedness...
So whoever wants to drop by is welcome.
I do have one follower and I would like to say THANK YOU to yellow rose jasmine.
It was nice to see, even when I hadn't posted a darn thing yet.
I would like that blog to be a gathering place for ideas and information.
The more the merrier!
I wanted to say though that I had a wonderful thanksgiving and I am glad to live in in America.
We are blessed with plenty of food and an abundance of opportunity.
I Will type a longer post tomorrow.
Hope everyone is on plan and on track.


What it means to me...

I Thank God today that I have food to eat, a roof over my head and people to love.
I Thank God I live in America...where even, should everything fall apart, we have the freedom to pick ourselves up and start over.
I am thankful for summer.
For the sunshine and the days I have spent fishing.
For the memories I have of swimming in the lake, and then drip drying in the back of a pickup on our way to Scott's party store for an ice cream cone.
I am thankful for autumn.
For the smell of burning leaves.
For having been able to see the leaves change color in vermont.
For seeing the aspens go yellow in the rockies.
I am thankful for winter...
for the memories of building snow forts when I was little.
for the snow that decorated the alps in southern Germany at Christmas while the town below sparkled with lights and some guy played silent night on a french horn, and the sound echoed off the mountain peaks.
I am thankful for the snow that packs tight enough to make ice balls that leave welts ;o)
I am thankful for spring...for flowers and rain...especially warm rain.
The kind of rain, that when you were little you used to love to run around in till you were soaked.
I am thankful for my children.
For who they are.
And, for how they, in many ways,
allow me to relive my childhood by watching them enjoy things.
By watching them be normal.
Even spoiled sometimes.
It feels good to be able to spoil your kids.
I am thankful that we can.
I am grateful for my husband.
Who is a good man.
A good hearted man.
A man I can look up to and admire.
For working hard for his family.
For putting himself last and us first.
I am thankful for each day I get.
I am thankful for the support I get from you guys and from the blogs I read.
I am thankful for my good friends.

And for todays moment of zen...

I am ever so grateful to God for creating these two people, and for giving someone the inspiration for stringed instruments...and for allowing this moment to happen.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Talk to you all on Friday.


Is it how you feel, or is it what you know.

Hey all,
Had a good day.
I ate my allotted calories and did my allotted exercise.
We all have blogs we read...
I read loretta's all the time...you can find her in my side bar.
She wrote about being optimistic even when life is hard.
It isn't some fuzzy wuzzy optimism based on farting rainbows.
It's having faith even when times get hard.
I admire that, and Loretta.
I always have admired optimists.
I want to be one.
I am working on that.

I can come off as a hard @ss sometimes.
I know why, I don't give a lot of credence to feelings.
I decided a long time ago that feelings are good.
We need to feel them.
It should be felt often.
Feelings are valid.
But I don't let them control me.
I am more of a pragmatist/realist.
When you grow up a certain way, certain things get pounded out of you...
for instance..
The concept of 'fair'.
It's relative.
fair to whom?
What if the person doling out the consequences, the rewards, the punishments, gives two farts about fair?
If you are all caught up in fair, well....let's just say you could have some sort of mental break.
Wondering why life isn't fair.
Why people aren't fair.
me and my brothers have a saying...
Fair, what's fair?
It just is...
That is life 90 percent of the time.
I once had a very interesting conversation with a drill instructor.
I got to AIT and for some reason they singled me out for special treatment.
They caught me with a walkman (against the rules) and set out to make my 5 weeks there as hellacious as they could.
They picked the wrong person.
I had KP 15 separate times for things like 'dust on the bottom of my boots'.
So, he pulls me aside and says
"Private carpenter, do you think it's unfair that we singled you out when other people have been using headphones and haven't been caught?"
I just looked at him.
I said "I broke the rules."
He said "oh come on....you have to feel like it's unfair."
I said 'I broke the rules."
He said 'If you tell me who the other people are, We will let you off."
I said "I don't know what you are talking about."

Evil people will try to use your feelings against you.
So yes, feel them, but keep them in perspective.
I wasn't going to let him manipulate me.

The diet industry does this....
Yes...some people have a high metabolism.
I ain't one of them.
They try to play on your sense of injustice and impatience by selling you pills or special drinks.
When we all know what we must do.
Fairs got nothing to do with it.
it just is.
I have never wasted time on the idea that someone or something should have made me differently.
Or given me a different life.
here is my philosophy in a nutshell.
I can waste time crying about what I can never have...or I can make the best of what I do have.
I remember sitting in a marriage therapists office with my husband and the therapists asking us how we 'felt' about my husband's multiple deployments.
My husband and I had the same reaction.
It just is.
We don't feel anything.
We deal with it as a reality.
He couldn't grasp that concept...he thought we were being noble.
We weren't.
We couldn't grasp the concept that what we felt changed anything so WHY WASTE OUR TIME.
He said "it's important to feel the feelings."
I said "What feelings."
He said "perhaps perceived injustice."
I said "To what end?"
He says "To be in touch with them."
I said "What if the feeling is "it's just how it is."
he says 'That's fair I suppose."
Really, is it?
Would it being unfair or fair make it matter any more or any less.
Feelings are good...they can guide us.
They can also be deceptive.
I can feel like eating the face off a rabid raccoon.
but do I?
I hope not.
I can feel like whalloping the hoo out of my kid....do I?
No. Because that isn't parenting.
That isn't teaching.
Just because I feel like eating everything in sight, doesn't make it a valid decision.
Sometimes we have to go with what we know.
Not how we feel.
In fact...I would say that is 90 percent of life.
Doing what you must DESPITE how you feel.
learning that your feelings should never get in the way of living how you should, or doing what you should.
Doing what you know to be right despite how boring it is, or repetitive, or strange, or lonely.
Because you know it's right.
Even when it feels wrong.
That is why principles are so important to me.
There was time in my life when everything in me wanted to flee my marriage.
I felt alone, overwhelmed, betrayed, angry...
But the principle that guided me through that time was this...
If my husband hadn't beat me or cheated...I would work through the problem...
with the first two, leaving is an option.
Other than that...try and work through it.
It took a year.
It was confusing.
But we came out the other side intact.

I exist.
and because I exist I will have problems.

To waste time pondering the relative fairness or unfairness of our existence has always seemed like a monumental waste of time to me.
Why waste time pondering what I can't change, when I could be changing what I CAN CHANGE.
Glad I am here. Glad I get to see some of this life before I shuffle into eternity.
I didn't have to get a shot at life, but God gave it to me.
I want to look back on my life and know I did my best daily.
Irregardless of how I felt.
So go out there and get it done.
I'm going to.


How to stop the slide...

back to fat.
Hi all,
I think I have posted a bit about my difficulty with the calorie levels lately.
The only thing saving my bacon has been the exercise...and even then it hasn't always been enough.

I don't know if you all are anything like me.
Have you lost large amounts of weight before only to put it back on and then some?
perhaps you have been morbidly obese and said to yourself.
If only I could get back down to _________
I would never take it for granted, I would take care of myself.
Well, i don't know about you but I have been thin before being fat (or morbidly obese)
and I remember instances while eating where I would feel that it was too much.
I shouldn't be eating this or that..but went ahead and did it anyways.
Saying to myself..."well, I will just watch it tomorrow."
slowly but surely it would creep...the weight that is.
Tomorrow never came..I never watched it.
Until I would finally shut off that little voice.
The last two or three weeks were like that...I would have three good days and then one bad day.
my good days 'paid' for my bad days.
But I found myself falling back into old habits...
then three days eating on plan, one one off became one on and one off.
Two days ago I had that moment..
The one where you say "I really shouldn't be eating this."
and you do it anyways.
I woke up the next morning and had a little talk with myself.
The talk went something like this..
"Chris, you can do this...you can, through the power of sheer stupidity, throw away everything you have worked for over the last year and a half...you can tomorrow your life away."
You can realize that a bowl of popcorn or a brownie or whatever is not going to make up for the life you chuck out the window through thoughtless eating."
I decided to get back after it today.
Whenever I want something I shouldn't have I say "Is it worth getting fat over?"
that answer is no.
It is easy to take your good health for granted, even if you busted your @ss to get where you are.
You start thinking,
I feel good, NOW I can do what's important, plan fun stuff...clean the house, hang out with people.
Well, you are still important.
Making time to watch what you eat and get at least an hour a day of exercise minimum five to six days a week ...it still has to be the number one priority.
I had to reassert that with not only me, but my family.
it will have to be this way forever...
I'll be rolling out my new blog next week....It will be easy to find.
Hope you all have a great night.
Have a good one,


What I am up to...

I have been cleaning.
All day.
My house is juuuuust about clean.
And by clean I mean cabinets, closets and everything...I still have some walls to wash and the outside of the cabinets to wash and food and stuff to inventory and the garage to smoudge stuff around to make way for food storage.
Today was my day of rest so no 'exercise' in the traditional sense.
I continue to struggle with high calorie counts.
I think it's because I allow it (obviously)
I have to move my diet back on to the front burner here shortly.
stayin the same is making me feel bad...
or something.
I need to move downward.
oh, and I finally figured out my 'decorating style'.
I couldn't figure it out.
I knew it wasn't straight up country.
I knew it wasn't modern...because even though I liked clean lines and simplicity...I didn't like the cold feeling I get from modern decor.
I knew it wasn't baroque...I like flowers and soft colors...

It's English cottage style...with a bit shabby chic thrown in...very nice.
like this...
I finally found the blue and green plaid curtains downstairs to pull my living room together...so now it's blue and green down there with some orange bits of color...
thinking of getting a knotted rug...in front of the couch..will post pics soon...
Won't be posting a ton this week, got a lot going on..
Hope everyone is doing well.
Hang in there...


getting my crap together

Hey all, won't be posting a long blog tonight.
I have to get my stuff together for tomorrow and I am working on putting together my sister blog.
I got a 3.6 mile walk in today and am sitting at 1430 calories.
The lowest I've been for a long time.
I intend to end my night at this calorie cap.
I hope your saturdays are going well...
Take it easy.


tired, cranky and in pain...and grateful

Tom's back..
I hate him.
it's worse than usual...man I love aleve.
I barely crawled through my walk.
I ate a zinger and now I am going to sleep.
Today will be a non starter in my book of life.
Tomorrow shall be a new day.
A better day.

And someone said in the last set of comments...99 to go I think,
that to have no jealousy you must be grateful..
And you know.
I think she's right.
I always have been.
I think church instilled it in me or something.
I loved sitting in ''my tree'' growing up, it was an oak tree out back.
I loved my books.
I loved drawing.
money doesn't hold much allure because I love having my family together.
I love and am grateful for having those moments where we just have family conversations or arguments about politics or geography or hunting vs. ecology.
I love that we have our own home...I don't care how big it is...
I love the dings and cracks in it.
We have memories here and someday when my kids say to their husbands or their children or friends
"When I was growing up back HOME."
they will be able to remember this house and have all the memories associated with it, they will be able to hone in on a ''home.''
I am grateful we were able to provide that.
A safe, warm home where they had a mom and a dad who cared about and loved them.
Who provided stability.
Who told them they could do things.
I am so grateful I can give that to them. I am grateful that I have more than two pairs of pants..
when I was a kid I was grateful for two pairs of pants. lol.
I guess when you whittle it down..
I don't feel like life owes me anything.
The worst phrase you can utter in this house is "It's not fair."
they can chant back with me "life's not fair.'
I don't feel like anyone owes me.
I feel like I owe God.
For being a father to the fatherless (me), for giving me eyes to see, ears to hear, a mind to think and hands and feet that work.
I have no impediments.
I have no complaints.
I came in this world with nothing and if I go out with nothing then I am no better or worse off than I started.
Have a good night guys,
Tomorrow is a new day.

The Success of others

makes me ecstatic.
I have always been blessed in one way...God skipped on the jealous gene for me.
I don't know why.
When I was little and poor, I never wanted other people's clothes or other people's toys.
I wanted to fit in...to be liked...but I never envied them.
Sometimes I see people make nasty comments about pretty superstars..
Like scarlett johansson or someone like that, and most of the time it's fueled by jealousy.
People hate martha steward because they project all of their inner feelings of inferiority onto her...
I like Martha, she's a doer. will I ever be able to do all that stuff? probably not....but I admire people who do.

Sean from a daily diary of a winning loser hit goal.
It took him two years and two months and some odd days (of which I am sure he has counted down to the last minute lol)...
I was and am so happy for him.
That was oodles of hard work and dedication.
But there may be people out there who had a twinge of envy.
There may have been thoughts in your mind...
"well, he doesn't have young kids"
"men lose weight easier"
Whether these things are true or not...
They don't have anything to do with your success or lack of success.
There is no success pie.
When one person succeeds, it does not make it harder for you to succeed.
In fact, using the information the other person has gleaned from the ordeal...you may be able to bypass some of the pitfalls and misfortunes the successfull person has gone through.
I always view successful people as mini roadmaps and assets to me personally.
as opposed to
'people I hate and secretly long to watch fall flat on their faces'.
I learned early that the best way to learn is from other people's mistakes.
It saves time.

Yes, some people can be obnoxiously perfect..
But most people are just doing their best and sometimes their best wins the day.
Yours can too.
consistency and a good plan will take you to your goals.
so keep at it.


Poor but happy? lol.

hey, hit that publish button a bit prematurely.
I am tired but I had a productive day.
I clean my back patio and am working on an idea.
my calories were high..but then, they have been high all week.
bad habit to get into.
my attention has been focused elsewhere.
Today I tracked my calories.
Today I walked three miles.
Today is all I can control.
When life knocks you for a loop.
Control what you can.
If you had a bad week, let it go and focus on today.
a bad week didn't get you fat...bad months, bad years got you fat.
That and the inability to climb back on the horse.
so, without further ado, hello horse...
I am working on food storage.
I am working on tying loose ends.
And, my husband and I have had a few heart to hearts about what we want for our family.
I think we will be staying put.
We both want time with the kids.
Money can't buy back time.
it's a lesson we learned the hard way a while back.
Speaking of money.
I finally got one heckuva coupon holder together...
This thing is a work of art and we are going to need it too.
We have 150 bucks left for groceries for the rest of the month.
Luckily I have a turkey in the freezer.
I am pondering a sister blog where I talk about debt reduction and living economically as well as emergency preparedness...
What do you all think?
give me your thoughts and opinions in the comments below.
Big hugs,
you may want to swing by Sean's blog...there is GREAT NEWS OVER THERE..
YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!


Home is where

Your home is...
I guess you don't realize how much you think of a place as 'home' until you are faced with the possibility of moving.
Ever since I was little I have longed to move.
I wanted to travel and see the world.
Even my home when I was growing up didn't feel like home...Not really.
I have spent the last 11 years of my life here (or pretty much here except for an 11 month abberation of a move to north carolina.)
I love Colorado.
I love it more than 100,000 dollars a year.
I love it more than new adventures.
My husband has been a security guard by choice for a few years now.
he makes 13 dollars an hour.
I always said I would consider a move if he got a good, high paying job where he didn't have to deploy.
Well, someone smack me.
He has been offered a chance at a job with someone I can't talk about.
It's oodles of money.
It's oodles of security.
I feel like I have a brick in my stomach.
I don't want a 3000 square foot house with a swimming pool with some sort of timer thingie that cleans it...
After all, When I am 70 am I going to care we have a pool room?
I am going to be grumbling going up and down all those stairs and wondering what possessed me.
We would be near washington dc.
and what not.
I am sure it's beautiful, the people friendly and the schools divine.
But my home is here with my great neighbors, the sunshine and the mountains.
I feel at home here.
I have a church finally!
I gently reminded my hubby that if we move he will have to work a ton more and won't be able to spend all his free time hunting and fishing.
we'll see if it works.
off to bed...gotta be up early.



Hey all,
I walked three miles today...
on to the post.
I went to church last sunday.
They do this thing where you pick up a shoebox and fill it up with toys and candy and then send it to a 'needy child'.
Well, one of the people who runs the thing was at church last sunday.
She explained something that I never knew.
This is the only box that child will ever get.
It's not like this charity comes back year after year.
Just once.
One box.
I sat and thought about it.
What kind of gift do you give to a kid in a third world hell hole that is big enough to last his whole life.
They give the kid a bible.
So, that was out...you can't send knives so a multi tool is out ( I love multi tools...can openers, mini hack saw...the whole nine.)
we (meaning my youngest and I) picked a little girl between 4 and 9.
She picked the biggest shoebox she could find. lol.
So tonight I went to walmart to find stuff...and as I wandered up and down the aisles I realized the only thing I really wished I could give her I couldn't give her.
the same opportunities my kids have as citizens of this country.
I looked at the barbie dolls (and I have no idea where this box is going)...
All the blond haired, blue eyed dolls with their fluffy dresses and sparkles.
On the back it said "What do I want to be today?" with a little girl with her head in her hands daydreaming and pretending with barbie..
She was a doctor
or an astronaut.
Or a fashion model.
I was thinking...
this kid probably wants to be
"Not hungry" today.
Part of me wondered if this child was going to look at this doll like some sort of alien creature descended from america.
I bought doctor barbie.
Because there are lots of aid agencies in Africa...or maybe this is going to haiti...and maybe this girl could pretend she would grow up and be a doctor.
So I bought that barbie.
The Aid lady said that often times the families would share the box so I bought a four pack of toothbrushes.
I bought a washcloth (also on the list)...a jumprope...because it can be used by more than one person...a pack of plastic playing cards so they would be harder to smudge or damage.
a coloring book with disney princesses along with crayons.
(again had that moment where I wondered what the child would think of all these fancy dresses and butterflies)
And bought a dress one size too large for a nine year old.
two head bands and a rose clip to put on them...a package of 9 combs and 10 pencils and a pencil sharpener.
And I managed to cram this stuff into a shoe box.
I will be duct taping it later. lololol.

I sat there looking at the number of paltry items in my cart.
Things I could pick up willy nilly whenever I wanted.
I got home and explained to my oldest that these kids only ever get one shoe box.
She couldn't believe it..
I told her they moved on after they handed one out and they don't come back.
What do you buy a child who will never have your children's opportunities.
I wish I could buy them a plane ticket to america.
We are so lucky.
And so blessed.
We have so much and I don't think we realize it.
A hairbow.
It's something special to a child over there.
Here it's something I retrieve from under my daughters bed because she dropped it and forgot about it.
could you imagine buying your child a washcloth for Christmas?
What kind of guff you'd get?
A comb?
It's enough to leave you heartbroken.
Have a good Sunday..
I will see you all on Monday.


mini rant and another good day

My calories were higher than I would have liked due to a trip to barnes and nobles with my girls and a certain piece of banana bread that I had thought was 360 calories but instead was 490. ouch.
1700 calories in today. ack.
Did my 20/20/20 and burned 400 calories.
200 calorie deficit...not great but it was a deficit and a clue to be more careful in the future.
My youngest had drama club...she had to pick a fairy tail and act it out in her own way...
She chose rapunzel, and we (meaning Kate and I) helped her find a unique approach..
she became RAPpunzel....hip hop diva who didn't need a prince 'in a fancy cape..I'll use physics to enact my escape"
Sophie actually came up with the part where the prince pops up and says
"Yo rap-punzel You so fair, please let down your golden hair"
And rap-punzel says
Hey, baby....I know I'm fair, But I don't want to let down my golden hair hair...
She tells him she is going to get an education, then she rappels down the tower with determination.
I love spending time with my kids.
on the other hand...lately i have been spending alot of time with my oldest daughter.
And the things she tells me about her friends and their parents is enough to turn my hair gray.
She showed me her best friends blog.
her best friend is 18 years old.
She doesn't have a drivers license and gets atrocious grades.
She hates her mother...calls her the hag.
her mother is supposed to be a christian but runs around mocking illegals and calling democrats demoncrats. She states she can't tell her mother anything because her mother will tell the church and then everyone will know..
She called her mother a 'foolish, gossipy woman'.
If that were me, I would be so hurt and ashamed that my daughter thought that of me.
Her mother never encourages her to improve her grades...but is very controlling in everything she does. She tells her where to go, and what to do all the time. She treats her like she is 5 or 6 instead of 18. Like, she was going to vote for the first time and her mother TOOK HER BALLOT AND WAS GOING TO MARK IT FOR HER.

Until the girl insisted on having it back.

Then another of Kate's friends had a mother who was a drug addict.
Kate met this girl a few years ago in summer school ( I thought it would help Kate adjust to public school). At that time, the girl stated that she had been kicked out of two previous schools and that her mother was making her buy her own dress code clothing for the current school..at the time I thought It was a good mom trying to get her daughter to take responsibility for the decisions she had been making.
Today I found out something completely different.
The woman is a drunk and an addict and called the young lady "It".
This young lady just went to live with her grandmother.
Another of Kate's friends has parents who, when told their son wanted to be a writer and would be majoring in English, told him he could 'never do it' and that he ought to try to be a mechanic or some such.
Look, I know people are all different. But when I look at why teenagers don't talk to their parents I am starting to get the impression that a lot of this is on the parents.
Parents should be their childrens biggest encourager.
Look, I know all about bad parenting, I was subject to it in my youth.
But my mom gave me a lot of good things that kind of compensated for some of the bad.
I know parents want what is best for their children...but it seems to me that some of these people view their children as an extra limb or an extension of the parent's self worth.
Not as separate and independent people who are in the process of finding out who they are and what they want to do with their lives.
My husband actually does this to an extent.
The other day he went into my daughter's room and unplugged her computer ( my 16 year old's room) because she hadn't cleaned it.
Now, I know many would say "well, you are the parents...and you have the right to insist she keep her room decent".
And I buy that to an extent.
But here's the thing that I think alot of people just don't get.
She is 16..and the night before he did this she had a crap ton of homework.
she didn't have time to clean it up.
He dismantled her computer area.
She had to come home, reassemble everything just to get started on her homework.
She has honors and ap classes.
As an adult she will have times when the house work will have to be let go to get some other stuff done...then she will get to it.
It's my opinion we need to start letting her set her own schedule in some regards and stop breathing down her neck all the time.
She is very capable, competent.
I say let her Have her own space.
My husband's mother still treats her (grown) sons as semi incompetent sometimes.
I don't want Tim doing that to our girls.
My oldest told me "As I have grown you have treated me older".
It's the most self affirming thing you can do...trust your kids.
Allow them to make their own choices.
Love them and believe in them, cheer them on.
facilitate their dreams...you aren't losing them...you are setting them free and any kid who has parents who believe in them, cheer them on, and trust them.
Well, they'll be back to share their lives...lives you can be proud of!
rant over.
Sometimes I want to adopt random children.
have a great night,


Really Good Day.

Haven't had a day like this in a while.
I ate well...with relatively little hunger.
I had veggie soup for lunch with 3 ounces of stewed chicken..and that really filled me up. I think veggies and protein for lunch works much better than granola and fruit for me.
* hmmmmm...no one say a word. lol
I did have a banana before working out.
I didn't get sick working out or faint today.
I burned around 600 calories. It was a great workout.
50 minutes on the elliptical
plus situps and upper body weights.

Have you guys tried the new steamable sweet potato thingies?
they are diced sweet potatoes and it's 90 calories for a cup...and they are AWESOME.
I had a cup and a half and a tablespoon of butter and some honey on top...I had a hamburger patty and serving of brussel sprouts...Dinner was 500 calories.
Really good.
I am trying to incorporate some more variety into my meals.
Seems to be working.
Tomorrow will be my 20/20/20 day
20 minutes stairstepper
20 minutes bike
20 minutes treadmill.
then lower body toning with Jack.
I like the soup thing for llunch.
Thank you for the kind comments on yesterdays post from Loretta and Anne on my service.
I don't like to say 'thank me for serving'..lololol.
It's like those people at awards shows who are up for an award and when their names are announced they applaud.
Now, tomorrow..I am going to try to build on this day.
not rest on it.
Have a great night guys,


veterans day

I am sick...again.
I spent alot of my day sleeping and trying to feel better. Took a bunch of vitamins...did take a walk but a short one and didn't split hairs on the calories, ate a bunch of oranges earlier.
oy. I think it's a sinus infection.
I am tired, so will be headed to bed to hopefully kick this in the rear quickly.

Tomorrow is veteran's day.
Thank you to all veterans...including my husband.
My brother Duane,
My cousin Gary, my stepfather Butch, My uncle richard and uncle Junior..my grampas...and friends past and present.

We are still fighting in Afghanistan,.
So a quick video tribute..and off to bed.


What I'm all about...

Kind of a big title for a blog post.
I am all about finding my truth.
Like I posted before...I got it from my big brother..who may be screwed up in a few aspects of his life, but he said one true thing to me when I was in third grade that I never forgot...
to paraphrase (and skip the profanity)
"It's not what other people think, it's what you know."
I have questions.
numerous, unending questions....for the longest time I would just ask questions..as if the asking were enough.
It made me feel intellectual to never commit.
To keep an 'open mind'.
then a few years ago I finally realized that to truly live, you had to pick a side.
It's kind of like watching a sports game.
If you are watching two teams from an objective standpoint...the outcome doesn't matter.
But if you were say, a rabid detroit pistons fan, (back in the day of Isaiah Thomas) who were playing say...the L.A. Lakers....and you rooted for your team and they sweep it in four, well...that is a completely different feeling. (sorry TJ)
You have to pick a truth, take a side...grab on to some principles.
Asking questions is fine, but finding the answers...even better.
A particular truth of mine when I was growing up was 'to thine own self be true'.
It's a pretty good one.
It got me through some crap.
I went inside, I hollowed out a little safe zone within myself that no one could touch.
I call it my unchangeable core.
It's the part that believes I was created and planned from the foundation of the universe and that my worth isn't based on human calculations...it's based on the intrinsic value I have as a child of God.
That is my truth.
Then I had my children and there were little people dropping socks and leaving fingerprints all over my core.
Love only makes things bigger.
My truth changed to 'know who I am, be strong and steady so they can grow roots and then wings".
That involved a lot of questions about the way I was raised, what I wanted to do differently, what was best for me vs. what was best for my kids.
What I believed about life and the nature of God, and the purpose of life.
It is still evolving. I am still growing.
But my principles, what I believe...those are the same.
That is the thing about principles, they are guideposts.
They help you recognize when you are on track...
The principle that every person I meet is a child of God, it colors how I view the people I meet daily, even if they don't think of themselves that way.
I see them that way.
I am all about asking questions and getting answers.
then using the answers to move me forward and to help me grow as a person.
That's why I leave comments asking questions.
A good question can be the doorway to a new realization or an altered path.
Telling someone is never as powerful as that person discovering it on their own.
That is why, unlike a lot of people with their kids....I answer my kids questions.
the endless questions.
Because I never want them to stop asking.
When you stop asking you stop learning.
And you should never stop learning.
I am feeling introspective this evening.
You probably couldn't tell. lol.
Went to the gym..
did 20 minutes stair stepper
20 minutes bike
20 minutes treadmill.
tomorrow will be the elliptical.
I am planning my meals for the rest of the week tomorrow...
will pop in with the details.
I went grocery shopping today with coupons and stocking up in mind.
I don't like all this 'quantitative easing'. It's giving me the willies.
that much money printed and forced into the economy can only devalue the dollar..
So, much like the Mormons I have decided to make my house a storage facility for food.
at least if the dollar turns to crap, I will be able to eat Hormel chili and wipe my rear.
for something to make you smile go here
about the time the poor kid substitutes porn for corn I nearly peed my pants.
(don't want to go too deep on this blog...lol)


Say it with me..

hey guys,
back from the abyss..also known as my house.
I organized my makeup.
That was amusing to write...my 'makeup' used to consist of a tube of lip gloss, eyeliner and well...that was pretty much it...blush if it was a special day.
Now I have a drawer of eyeshadow, a drawer of blush and pressed powder and a cup of eyeliners, a cup of lip liners, about 20 lipsticks and brushES.
Once I found out applying makeup was like drawing a picture I was hooked.

Now on to the title of my post.
There used to be a phrase in my vocabulary that took a detour somewhere along the way (over the last few months) on my journey to good health.
The phrase.
Said at birthday parties, adult nights out, movie nights with the kids, and sunday dinners.
Said to a variety of waiters at Three Margaritas who never saw me enter their doors because I wouldn't (couldn't without folding like a cheap suit)
I would merely glance longingly in it's direction and whisper a sad and solemn "no, thank you".
No thank you to your chips and freshly made salsa"...
"No thank you to your creamy spinach enchilada with cheesy rice and coleslaw"
No thank you to your icy cold root beer!"

Now for the foresseable future *except thanksgiving day and Christmas Eve*...I will be saying no thank you to any calories above and beyond 1500...
So, farewell buttery crackers....

till we meet again..after I reach goal.
Say it with me....
No thank you.

Great night at the gym...450 calories burned, 150 situps, upper body toning I will go into my new routine tomorrow.
Tonight I am just going to blog, comment and take a shower and go to bed before I eat.


@*#&$!!!! >:0( part 2, tagged...and shout out...

and the hits just keep on coming..
something is wrong with the new fridge.
Our old fridge 'burned out'..
we have had this one for about a month and a half and it is doing the same thing.
We t hink it's an electrical problem.
that's the sound of my echoing bank account.
I would think this was some sort of punishment, but no...it's just my bad luck.
oh well.
If this is the least of my problems...(knock on wood)
then my problems aren't so bad.
I won't be posting this weekend.
mostly because I will be busy working...
I will be commenting..but not posting.
did my walk today and that was about it.
spent most of the day walking around the house with a volt meter trying to find fluctuations.
Will still be calling an electrician..
@*#&$!!!! >:0(

oh, I wanted to give a big shut out to LISA!!!!
Ya'll, I have been reading lisa's blog for a coon's age.
i have watched her struggle and fail, and then get up and try again and again.
lisa has lost 30 lbs in the last 6 weeks.
If you all could go and encourage her, that would be fantastic!

and four questions from Jen from cankles and carrots (love the name)
1. What novel has influenced you the most?
to kill a mockingbird..because of atticus finch. There is a part in the book where he takes a gun and shoots a rabid dog. His kids had no idea he could shoot that well. There were numerous reasons he didn't brag about his gift at shooting but hte one that stood out the most to me was that he didn't feel he should brag about something God gave him...he didn't earn it, it was a gift. From that I took a lot of life lessons. That we have no talent but what God gave us, and to get a big head about it is the height of arrogance. We should be thankful, we should use it, but know that God gave it and God can take it away. I also learned that humilty is much more becoming than pride, that you lead by example and not words. There are so many things that I learned from that book I could be here all night.
2. What was your favorite childhood toy?
My grey and red sock monkey my aunt susan made me.
3. What's your dream job?
I would love to be paid to travel the world and try out resorts and local food and entertainment and write about it. I am just positive there is a job like that...lol.
4. What destination would you want to visit? Pick one that you've never been to before!
Andalusia in Spain

Have a good night.


finding that fire

Hey all,
I don't know how you all are doing with motivation..
Mine hasn't been the best over the last four months.
I have held on to all i have lost (or all the health I have gained)
But have felt little to no motivation to go forward.
I thought it was fear...but no...
I thought it was boredom...maybe with the food.
But I got bored with the food two or three months in..
It's how I view the battle.
It became less a battle and more a lifestyle.
I allowed myself more calories every three days or so then I needed for weight loss.
which is great if you just want to maintain.
And I think, for a while, I did.
I have been going at this quite a while...and to lose weight you have to be a bit obsessive about it.
I wanted to set it down for a bit.
without losing what I had gained (or lost)
So I did.
weight 150 lbs.
considering I weighed maybe two or three times in the last two months...pretty good.
that came from tracking and budgeting my calories like money in a bank account.
I got some parts of my life back on track (like my house)
I dabbled in my art again...spent more time with my kids...
Ate some food that wasn't on my weight loss plan (tasty)
realized the food wasn't THAT good...I don't miss it.
Now I am ready to obsess a bit.
So..back to one hour of cardio six days a week...plus whatever toning I do on top of that.
That will be about 1 hour and 20 minutes to 1 hour and 30 minutes a day.
back to 1500 calorie *steel curtain zone* (did this today along with the exercise)
It's less about weighing now than finding the fire to finish strong.
tracking daily...having that deficit daily.
exercising HARD daily.
no more excuses.
No more delays.
Do, or Do NOT there is no TRY.
To find your fire, redefine good enough.
is mediocre good enough?
not for me.
Is that extra roll of fat around my mid section good enough?
It might have been for 262 lb Chris...
But not for 150 lb Chris
For me...150 lbs is not good enough.
135 is.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

*steel curtain zone is a trademark of a Daily diary of a winning loser....Thanks Sean.


jack's back...missed him saturday...plus eye candy...

Which is better on the waist then actual candy.

So, walked two miles and felt sick today..achy joints and headache..not sure what is up.
So I am going light duty today.
first jack

Jack and his sense of humor...
and really omg....how hard is that!

a little something for us ladies...

For the ladies who like men pretty, with a body hard enough to bounce quarters off....
Shawn Christian and Cristian Ranoldo.....

For Gals who like em rough and ready...mr. butler and russell crowe

For the ones with mature and cerebral taste:

Richard Gere and liam neeson.....

For those who like em crazy...

Mad Mel, Saddam, and Charlie Sheen...

And finally perfection...
(besides my husband..)
The combination of all of the above...
Christian Bale

Christian the body
crazy Christian

Rough and ready Christian
cerebral Christian...

And there you have it...
I think I feel better already.
Have a great night guys.


my eyes are burning.

hey all, wish I had a better post but have spent all night staring at my computer screen waiting for results from the colorado senate race...you all know I am a conservative and the results are just dribbling in here. I haven't rooted this hard for someone since I rooted for the pistons in 1991.
I voted, now I wait. Go ken buck.
My God, if michigan can elect a republican governor, why can't we get one stinking republican senator?
Be back tomorrow with my food, my weight and my intensity.
I burned my dinner because I was scanning political websites.
that's how bad it is...
See you all tomorrow.


For those who feel ugly.....

I have had a few encounters in real life and on the internet that have been making me think about this country and its ideal of beauty.
I mean, I have been getting this from all sides this last week...front, left and center...so if you think it's just YOU....It isn't. It's partly you, and partly you...and quite frankly....
So, back to that hollywood idea of 'beauty'.
From what I can tell, it is an adolescent boy with boobs, fish lips and no discernable expression because any life has been botoxed into non existence.
Don't get me wrong..you aren't going to find me pounding some sort of feminist dogma here, but I AM going to take a pot shot at hollywood beauty.
The hollywood beauty of anorexia, and the neurotic knee jerk plastic surgery at the first sign of a wrinkle and the shelving of women over forty.
The idea that wrinkles should be abhorred, rather than embraced.
Wrinkles come from experience, from life.
Wrinkles are a privilige alot of people don't get....old age is a blessing from God...he could have taken you a lot sooner.
When did women become merely the sum of their parts.

You, as women of God are not the sum of your body parts.
A well toned leg...a pert pair of boobs does not a woman make.
Some day madonna and her arms and abs of steel will sit, moldering in the ground.
Just think of The endless hours she has spent perfecting a dying body.
I am not downing exercise...it's good for you.
But like everything, it needs to be kept in perspective.

How much time do you think eleanor roosevelt or mother theresa spent gazing into a mirror?
Let's take a look at one of the most beautiful women in modern times.
marilyn munroe.
She was an image of beauty.
She spent her whole life trying to get people to see past that image.
She died of suicide, because she was so depressed, scared and alone.
She is still an image.
It's nice to be pretty....and firm and good looking....but do you think marilyn munroe would still be an icon if she had lived past her good looks?
How would she have been seen?
As an icon, or a has been?
Maybe she would have grown as a person once people stopped idolizing an ideal.
Who knows.
Now, lets look at mother theresa.
Not known for her cover girl looks.
But she will probably be inscribed in history as a saint.
What's in us shines much more brightly than the covering.
God loves the inside, so do our children, our husbands and our sisters, brothers and mothers and fathers and friends.
I heard this song today and I wanted to put it on my playlist but it wasn't available...so had to download it here.
Lyrics first...video below...

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are his.