Breaking the cycle of self abuse

Hello all,
I have been reading stories about domestic violence...trying to find a common theme.
I not only found a common theme in the stories of women who have been trapped in a cycle of violence, I found a common theme between those women..and people trapped in the cycle of addiction whether it is alcohol, or drugs..or food.

In every abuse case there seemed to be a moment when the woman accepted what was clearly unacceptable behavior.
In one instance I saw a woman state that on the night of her wedding her dearly beloved shoved her into a wall and called her a c*nt.
She called her mom in an attempt to leave him and her mother told her to 'work it out'.
to stay.
of course, after that clear signal, the man knew he'd found himself a perfect victim.
It escalated.

In every case, it seems the women picked up clear signals that something was wrong...they all knew that the behavior exhibited was 'not normal' or 'frightening'...'scary'...they were left feeling 'confused'.

Now, were they confused?
They knew..
But the various reasons put forth for staying ranged from..."I had no money."  to "I was pregnant."
"My parents had invested a lot of money..I just couldn't throw in the towel."
In every case...after that initial abusive incident...the women drew in the blame...
They decided that they would 'be better wives"...
And they moved themselves underneath all those other priorities I just mentioned.
they placed themselves at the bottom of the list.
Their personal well being and safety came AFTER money spent on the wedding...after a pregnancy (which often morphed into a baby, then more pregnancies)..and in many cases...under the seeming need to make sure the abuser didn't feel 'bad'.
The thought that they could 'fix' the abuser was very prevelent. 
In every instance, they chose to endure more abuse rather than leave the situation.
From where I stood, it seemed they thought they deserved the abuse...they came to believe that by allowing the abuse in the first place..they had somehow abdicated a right to object.
Their self esteem took a hit..so they stopped taking care of themselves..
And began to become the very kind of depressed, angry and almost crazy person their abusers claimed them to be at the beginning.
Somewhere in there, it became a form of self abuse.
How does this tie into weight loss.
We do that to ourselves...don't we.
We get fat...and all those voices outside of our heads....all the people in the stores who call us names.
All the disgusted looks..
All the subtle shaming.
We internalize it.
And we begin to abuse ourselves in our own mind.
We shame ourselves.
We tell ourselves we deserve it.
And we trap ourselves in the cycle of self abuse, of food abuse.
I'm a big, fat slob..so one more binge won't make a difference.
I have no willpower.
I can't have a boyfriend because I am fat...
I am fat because I don't have a boyfriend.
It becomes it's own circle.
Many times, these two situations are linked...
Food became an ally in our war to numb ourselves.
Now we have to dig our way out.
We have to start by ending self abuse.
I don't care who recorded it.
you, or others.
It has to go..
And if y ou have nothing nice to say to yourself.
act as if you are a young child who needs a loving voice.
And begin to say to that hurt, lonely child...
What you think they would need to hear.
NOw say it to you!
You are worthy of love and respect.
You are worthy of care and affection.
We have to begin by loving ourselves.
By caring for ourselves.
Stop the self abuse.
Take care of you.


transformative goals breed momentum...

"The martial arts are ultimately self knowledge. A punch or a kick is not to knock the hell out of the guy in front, but to knock the hell out of your own ego, your fear, or your hangups."
Bruce Lee

I found this quote and it resonated with me on a deep level.
I thought I still carried anger about my childhood.
I thought I still wanted to kick the crap out of my stepfather.
after all...
Anger beats depression.
But you know what beats anger.
Action and commitment.

I don't want to knock the hell out of him anymore.
He's an old man.
I want to knock out the insecurity of being vulnerable and unable to defend myself and my mother.
I want to teach young ladies how to love themselves enough to set goals and boundaries....
How to fully inhabit their bodies, and to own them..and to treat them with dignity and respect.

I want to be a person willing to put myself in tough situations.
I want to believe in something enough to lay down my life for it...
I have seen people like that.
So have you...
because when it comes down to it...
we are all going to die.
What do we leave behind?
I believe it's something God would want me to do...to help people help themselves.
When you have a goal..or something you are aiming for...
The goal itself becomes transformative..
If it's big enough.
If it means enough.
Like having children.
or getting married.
Finding a life's work should be a transformative experience.
Something that makes you become a better person.
God gave me my life....my experiences and everything they mean..and all that encompasses.
For a reason.
I believe a life's work, purpose or goal is to face all of your former demons and overcome them..
so that you can help others overcome theirs.
I have been exercising..
I have been organizing.
I have been simplifying.
Tomorrow I start doing drills for speed and strength.
Things are really begin to gel in my mind.
It's exciting.
Hope all is well with you guys.
Chris out.


The unspoken fear...

Hey guys...
Hows it going.
I weighed in this morning at 156.
I am down 6 pounds since the beginning of my challenge.
I haven't talked about my weight for a long time.
I went through a very long period of struggle with emotions..with food...with everything.
Over a year really.
I didn't talk about it on here because I couldn't.
I really didn't know what to say.
the only thing that saved me from a big gain was exercise.
Exercise has been my savior from the get go.
Once I hit the 140's..I had such a  ball of fear that I had to go day by day with it.
I couldn't figure out where the fear came from.
The only thing that made it go away was food.
The only time over the past year to a year and a half that I didn't need sleeping pills was when I binged before bed.
Then I had a little break through a few months back..
and I realized the source of my fear...
It was a fear of men in general..and a fear of the me I might be when I become thin.
It hasn't taken that ball of fear away...it has lessened it.
I know what to say to myself when it rises up within me.
I still have urges to eat, but the urge passes much quicker than it did a year ago.
I have a why bigger than just a smaller ass.
And I have been on a kind of slow roll for a while now.
I see no need to pick up the pace because I think I have hit on how my life will be forever.
I need to eat around 1700 calories a day and exercise every day but sunday.
If I miscalculate..or have a special day where I have a piece of pie..
I will have enough leeway built in that It won't affect my weight.
I will never again eat two or three plate fulls of anything.
I don't want to.
Food doesn't do it for me anymore.
And I know it before I even begin.
That is huge...for a while I still thought of food as a comfort.
Now I realize that food misused has become a source of pain for me.
A source of becoming something I never want to be again...

It's just long, low and slow.
Like how I began..
only now I accept it.
And I have moved on to working on the rest of my life.
But during this third year...
there was an unspoken fear that I would regain all of my lost weight.
I have NEVER maintained a weight loss.
I have NEVER controlled my weight.
I finally realized the other day that
I have done it, I am doing it..
so if you secretly fear you may regain...especially if you had  regained in excess of ten pounds...for me it was 14 before I managed to step on a scale and face it and me.
Just know you can get it back off...
and doing it  now..
as opposed to waiting...
It is really just a day to day thing for everyone...there will be ups and downs.
Just don't let the ups go too far up...
face it, and get it back down.
Know your why...and over time your why may change.
When I started...I wanted to be able to climb stairs and breathe when I lay down.
I got to the point where I could do an hour on the stairmaster...
What then?
Well, that's for you to decide.
All I know is that to maintain and keep going, you have to keep evolving...keep changing and keep a why in place.
Set new goals and attain them.
And  you will never again be who you were.
Chris out.


Today...When you want to stop.

Hey all,
I have been on a good eating and exercising roll for the last three days.
Great with the calories and great with the exercise.
Today I stepped it up with the lower body...
I did good mornings , squats, and then calf raises..
The step overs, one legged squat type thingies..(you would have to see them?!) and glute bridges...then I did front lunges and side lunges and reverse crunches..
and I walked 2.5 miles.
I didn't want to do that last mile..
But In my mind...I kept saying...there are women out there that can't walk a mile because they are dead..
there are kids out there that don't have  a mom anymore...you are getting in shape so you can learn..and you will be learning so you can teach.
Today is the day I have to get one step closer to my goals.
So no quitting.
So I kept going.
Having a very real why...
Made all the difference to me today.
My legs felt like jello...
But I just dragged my legs around the track.
I will get stronger.
As mohammed ali once said "I don't start counting till it starts hurting'.
Oh, and I saw a very interesting video about carb cycling.
I know alot of people have different eating plans..
some of you are already low carb..
But I found what omar said to be true..
When I was morbidly obese...a lack of carbs didn't make a dent..in fact..
carbs would cause my blood sugar to spike.
Now If I don't eat them..I can get light headed.
So here is an embed...I found it interesting and will look at my intake more closely.

I have gotten two weigh ins..
I know I have been lax.
I know some people are away right now..
But send in your weights!
The weights posted in my inbox so far are pretty good!
Great job!
Talk to you tomorrow,
Chris out.


vision quest...

I asked my participants...
What do you want to look like/feel like when you hit goal weight?
What will it mean if You don't...
What will it mean if you do....
make a vision board so you can have a representation of your goals and dreams.

What does it mean to me...
I think I have said that I want to teach young girl's self esteem and how to defend themselves...
These are the people I am going to learn from:

These are the people I went to when I fainted from fear of dealing with men...
I asked, "Am I a pit viper, or am I a fainting goat?"
I am a pit viper.

I will have the money for lessons on August 1rst.

and my ideal body?

When I said I want to hit 135...I don't want to hit 135 lbs of tits and ass...I want to be 135 pounds of pain coming for you, wrapped in skin.  I want to get up in front of young ladies...look feminine and strong and show them how they can be a woman and still capable of defending themselves.
That is my vision.
That is my goal.
If you say maybe....sit down.
There is no maybe.
I will.
Weigh in tomorrow.
I have lost 1 pound since my screw around.
My next weigh in will be epic.
Chris out.


weigh In results

We have 50 days left in the challenge...I will be on my face book page every night posting my calorie intake and my exercise totals.
If anyone else wants to do it for accountability...you can do it too...our next weigh in is in one week.
I will really be emailing once or twice a week from now on.
I have been busy, as I know you guys have been too.  This is a busy time of year for me...homeschooling, testing, girl scouts, taxes, and my oldest daughter's graduation..
But I have gotten most of that out of the way.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post.
I know we are all adults...and sometimes the hardest thing can be having our patterns reflected back at us.
My pattern has always been to allow my health to get put on the back burner when life gets stressful.
My pattern has also been to put others goals and dreams to the forefront.
Finding that balance has been very, very hard.
I think I have found it..
I do not think calorie counting is the only way to lose weight.
You could use plates.
You could use richard simmons food mover.
It doesn't matter..as long as whatever you do use works for you in the long run. so, without further ado...
JEN B total lost 7.9 lbs since the beginning of the challenge
Bhargavi has lost 3.3 lbs.
Jo has gained .6 of a lb
Val has has lost 8.5 lbs since the beginning of this challenge
Sandra has lost 3.1 lbs since the beginning of this challenge
Julie H. has lost 8 lbs since the beginning of this challenge
Kathy M. has lost 5.8 lbs since the beginning of this challenge.
Tammy:13.4 lbs lost since the beginning of the challenge!

Now, I have two gals who are a part of the challenge, but I don't have either starting weights...or you go by a different email name than your blog name...email me with corrections if you can...lol.
Have a great day guys..
I will update tonight on food and cals on my facebook page...which y ou can find at the right.

Chris out.


Weigh IN!!! Also known as that part in the movie where everyone goes WHUT!

Do you remember that scene in the sixth sense where Bruce Willis figures out he is dead?
This is that moment in our challenge.
There is a reason I have  been so lackadaisical  about things...
So willy nilly, neither here nor there...
I wanted to see if I spotted any sort of patterns with each of my participants in this challenge.
I told you this whole thing was about the mind..

See if any of my REMAINING participants can spot the patterns....

lol because I have 8 remaining participants.
Not bad...
about the equivelant washout rate of your average special forces selection process.
The people who want it most don't have to be told.
I won't be posting weigh in losses today..even though we have some...
These last 49 days were all about spotting my participant's patterns...seeing them and then reflecting them...
and participant, if you see you...don't feel alone..
Anyone coming here that has a weight problem will see it in themselves as well...

Patten 1
Allowing special occasions to torpedo your eating.
Then you get back on track..
then you get off track...
wash rinse repeat...
resulting in the same 3-5 lbs lost in the course of  49 days?
Best bet for this type..
no special occassion eating allowed? lol.
There are a ton of special days..
that is why the calorie cap. 
You can still celebrate, and no one cares what you eat..I swear.
Unless you plunk a cheerio on your plate, heave and sigh, no one will notice.
You could have a very nice baked potato, a small piece of chicken and some broccoli for around 550 calories...looks very normal.
Sometimes special occasions are our excuse to eat.
They always were for me.
My favorite excuse.
I have to eat a slice of cake on my daughter's birthday or it's bad luck.
I have managed to knock that down to a bite.
I don't need a slice. lol. 
For instance...I lost no weight during the last two weeks.
I didn't feel like counting calories.
That's the truth.
I just didn't care.
I couldn't bring myself to give  a flip.
And it was the wrong answer.
only thing that saved my rear (as always) 
That and not having seconds...
I would measure.
but I didn't count.
So...I would eat my usual breakfast and lunch..
and then for dinner I would eat a serving or whatever.
It worked.
I maintained.
overweight. lol.
to lose, you have to commit..especially the lower you are.

Pattern 2
The ever changing diet.
The pattern here is the process of thinking.
The thinking says "There is a perfect diet"
That when you find the perfect diet, you will no longer struggle with food.
Or you will no longer struggle with you.
There is no such diet.
The only perfect diet is the one you will stick to...
it will not make you not want to eat.
It will not cure your craving for chocolate.
And it will not stop making you think about food all the time.
It's what we food addicts do.
We think about food.
The question is..when you think about it,  Do you feel like you were in a healthy and positive place with your food, or out of control and using it to do things it has no place doing.
Is it hard to count calories?
It's harder to feel like you've failed yourself..
so if you have switched up your 'diet' in the past 7 weeks..
ask yourself...
did it change anything beyond the first three days.
Or did your old thought patterns emerge again?
Did your old habits emerge?
You have to fix your thought patterns...
That thought pattern that needs to be fixed is this..
that food will cure something.
Or that different food or less or more or red or green food is the answer.
You are the answer.
The food is a tool.

Pattern 3:
Now this could be conjecture..
but the person who is at maintenance and refuses to see that they are at maintenance.
lucky duck.
If  you can keep yourself at a healthy weight for 50 days..
and it's within 1 or 2 pounds..
and you are exercising, and eating healthy..
like I was at 147.
And you still feel the need to lose weight to hit a magic number..
You still have the 'food is the enemy' meme going.
you could have pattern 3.
I got worn out.
you see...
and I have a feeling someone else may be there.
There will be no names mentioned  here on this post.
My 135 is going to come because I have decided that I am ready to eat around 1600-1700 calories a day for the rest of my life..
every day.
no special days.
No binge days.
and I am willing to work out 45 minutes to an hour a day 6 days a week.
That will undoubtedly bring me to 135 if not lower.
And if lower..fine.
I am not stressing about it.
I had to come to a place and a number that I could live with long term.
I don't want my body to be skinny.
I want it to be strong, and fit and active.
I want to be a good role model.
If any of you spotted a pattern in there.
Don't feel singled out...
I did all of those.
This 100 day challenge is not just about losing weight.
It's about changing how we use food.
Understanding what is holding us back.
And moving forward.
With a firm commitment to find what we can do...what exercise, what food..what life..
We can enjoy.
For the rest of our lives..
and then do it.
I will be sending out question 5 tomorrow.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


Tomorrow is weigh in...wow! Question 4 answer!

Tomorrow is weigh in! Wow, time goes so fast..
I have no idea how many people are still following or doing this.
I have been very remiss in this the last two weeks.
But I am back now..
My response to my question!
This was one of the first ways I figured out something was very very wrong.
I was at my oldest daughter's karate class..
and I noticed how passionate the teacher was about what he was doing.
And at first I was really annoyed.
(That should have been a prime intel indicator right there that I wasn't happy in my own life...when you are unhappy...happy people irritate the crap out of you.)
I was thinking...
Why is he soooo fricking happy?
Then I realized one day, it was because he loved what he was doing.
It wasn't a chore to him...or just a job.
It was his passion.
Then I looked inside and realized that I felt passionate about NOTHING.
That set me to asking all the question I have been asking myself here.
And if  you answered that question with a big fat nothing.
I would now like you to go back to the other answers you gave and find out how much life  you are living that is yours.
My whole life had been divied up to others.
Everyone else knew what they needed and wanted...
so I thought "Well, I will just make their wants, needs and dreams come true."
And I stopped having my own.
Having your own means taking time for  you.
It means trying and maybe failing...
It means you have to feel..and not numb out.
sometimes we are so buried we don't even know we are buried.
We think numbed out and feeling nothing is the way it's supposed to be..
and when we do try to feel...the pain of our surroundings and the choices we have made can drive us BACK into our shells.
Instead...you have to make a decision.
To really live, you have to decide to find something you love.
It doesn't matter if it's just listening to music..or reading a book.
Once a day make some time for that.
It's part of making sure you are living a life...not a life sentence.
Weigh in is tomorrow.
Mine will suck.
But so be it...back on the krab and down the scale.
My last two days have been on track and banging.
Great exercise...great food intake!
Have a great night guys!
Chris out.


This last week...and my purpose in life.

Has sucked donkey balls.
we got hit with another tax bill and we have been dealing with fafsa and everything that goes along with college.
I have made it to the gym two times...the rest were walks.
meals were not calculated...were missed or not counted.
my focus has been on my kids.
and my mind.
and I have been thinking and thinking and thinking.
I don't want to end this weight loss thing on may 18th..
because I want to be 135 pounds.
And I have a reason for that.
I know I can be..
I have decided what it is I want to do.
I grew up  in an abusive home..
and I have spent the last 18 years instilling a sense of self respect and pride in my daughters.
I have been thinking about this issue of domestic violence.
About a week to ten days ago a man shot his wife and then turned the gun on himself in the neighborhood across the way...no more than a half a mile from my house, it was a house I walked by every other day in the summer.
A house my daughter had sold cookies to...a house I had helped the woman carry her stroller into two years ago....
The police had been called out to that house twice in the last few years on domestic violence calls.
There were warning signals all over the place..
But in the end..that man shot his wife in front of their three kids and then shot himself.
Those kids no longer have a mother, because someway, somehow she thought she could fix him.
the ten year old called the cops and took his little 3 and 4 year old siblings downstairs till the police came....
I haven't been able to shake that.
I have a ten year old.
I  even  called my mom what she was thinking the first time Duane hit her.
She said she didn't even think about it..she started fighting back..
but she took him back.
Why  do women live with what can only be considered assault if it were done by a stranger?
To be mugged daily..
or even if the beating is only once a week.
Would we go home to a mugger?
Why would you stay married to one?
They have never learned this precept.
It is never okay for someone to lay a hand on you.
And quite frankly, from what I have seen..by the time a woman is into an abusive marriage..
nothing anyone says really makes a dent.
They have to want to.
or they won't leave..
So you have to get to these gals before they ever hit 18...
about 9 percent of teen girls are in abusive relationships.
I would like to reach these girls and teach them how to defend themselves.
That means I have to get taught.
That is what I am going to do...I will be starting classes in VeeArnisJuJitsu this summer..
And I will keep at it till I am a black belt.
And then I will teach it.
To young ladies..
with the message that no one ever has the right to lay a hand on you or hurt you.
And the first time they get popped...they defend themselves
And they  LEAVE to find a man who will treat them as they deserve to be treated...just as they would treat otherswith dignity and respect.
And to do that I need to be a good role model.
I have a reason to be fit.
I have a reason..beyond just me..
to see that what happened to my mom and so many other women I grew up with, doesn't happen to whoever I can reach.
That's all..
Tomorrow it's back at the gym.
Have a great night.
Chris out


What I've been trying to say for three years.

Is RESPECT yourself.
I keep seeing all these "Husband murders wife and two kids...turns gun on self."
the basis of that story..
One lady didn't respect herself enough to say stop.
To say...you will never ever hit me again.
Because once can be a surprise.
Twice is a confirmation.
I am not ragging on women who have been beat or are getting beaten..
You can't fix him! 
You aren't his therapist or his mother!
Love yourself and your kids enough to LEAVE!
Being morbidly obese...
Something in YOUR BRAIN is telling you that it doesn't matter what you do to yourself.
That your health isn't as important as A B or C.
It matters because you matter!
You only get ONE LIFE.
Being morbidly obese can end it quicker than you would like.
Feeling beaten down because someone in your life constantly speaks in a demeaning fashion to you..
But never putting a stop to it.
Because somehow or some way you have decided that person has more right to abuse you,
 than any right YOU have to be treated with DIGNITY.
You have gotten the idea that you make a good verbal punching bag.
Or a good punching bag period.
You can't fix anyone.
You can only fix yourself.
You can only define what YOU will or won't do.
Only you can decide what  you want your priorities to be..
and if you don't decide.
Someone else WILL.
Someone who was looking for a person like you...an easy mark.
Manipulators and abusers can spot a person who is vulnerable from quite a distance.
And they will use and abuse you as long as they can get away with it.
For some people, it's a life long ride.
For others...they attempt to escape...and they have their lives ended.
For others...they never get sucked in.
Because the first time they are spoken to with the sort of contempt an abuser likes to dish out..
or the first time a control issue comes up..
such as "you need to call me if you are going to be out late, I have been calling all night..where were you?'
When  you are just dating.
A healthy person says "Uh, I don't think so freak!"
And skeedoos.
That abuser will move on to someone who says:
"Oh, I am sorry..you must have been soooo worried."
And at that moment, you hand that person control over your time.
The control escalates.
I am saying this...
you control you.
If you don't control yourself...your control in nearly every area is fragile at best.
If you don't treat yourself and others with respect..or expect others to treat you with respect...
you will be taken advantage of...
That is what I have been trying to say..
to myself in the beginning..
now to you guys.
You can get hold of your life and make it what  you want.
Only you can do that.
Accept responsibility for where you are at.
Make a plan to fix it..
then do it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking...and I think I know what I want to do once the kids are in high school/gone...
I will talk more about it later.
Till then.
Have a great night!