D 7- What do you want your life to represent?

Hello all, 
Man have I had a strange day..
but also a catalyzing day.
Life is short.
too short to d*ck around.
I want my life to represent my beliefs and values.
I want to live my values daily..and apply my energy in a direct and effective manner.
I want to teach my kids how to do this as well.
When I was fat, I was so suppressed in my emotions...I couldn't even come to the realization that there was anything lacking.
Every day was just another day on the treadmill of life.
I had no goals or aspirations for myself..Just for others.
I didn't realize I lacked passion until I saw someone exhibit it.
Then I looked at me and wondered..what do I feel passionate about?!
At that point in my life, I couldn't even tell you my favorite color.
I can now...
It's turquoise.
I am coming up to a point in life where one of my daughters will be off to  college...
I will still have one at home..but life is changing.
I can't cling tightly anymore to what was...I have to move towards what will be.
It's time to find what I am passionate about.
I have three more years of homeschooling..
I don't intend to wait till I am standing in an empty kitchen, listening to the sound of my own echo,
 till I start figuring out what that is..
I start now.
I am finishing out the weight loss portion of this in may...not to quit something..
But to really begin maintaining and living.
I want to do my art..
But I also want to help my youngest find what she wants.
It's time to start moving towards, not away from.
That is what all this is really about...
Weight loss is just the beginning...
This challenge isn't about my rules..
It isn't about me at all...except the part where I take part.
This challenge is about YOUR LIFE.
What do you want it to represent?
You have to be who you truly are, to find out what you truly love..
and when you are eating your feelings, and numbing your emotions and ignoring what you body, your mind and your feelings are telling you..
well, pretty hard to know what direction you should travel.
This is about getting what you want in life.
Don't let anything get in your way..



Hello, I am typing by onscreen key board... It's a pain.
I wanted to get to this sooner. there are so many very crucial parts of the first few weeks, That it's hard to get  to all  of  them right away.
I started calorie counting with just a set of  measuring cups and spoons.
Until one night I was eating a piece of banquette chicken and realized that their portion was three ounces. As I looked at my chicken  breast, I knew enough to know  that was more than three ounces! Instead of eating 1600 calories , I had been eating more like 2000. It takes  3500 calories to burn 1 pound of fat. If I weigh 200 lbs., think I am eating 1500 and I walk 2 miles a day (200 cal.), I should be dropping  1 pound every 5 days. But, if you aren't weighing your  food, you could be consuming more calories than you think you are. The only way to be accurate  is to measure. Use the tablespoon, the cups, the scale. It takes all the guesswork out of it! Have a great  day! Remember, steel curtain zone.
Chris out!            


D5-What I used to think about other people indulging..and what I think now...


this post was from one month into my weight loss journey....
I like this post, because it really clarifies my mind set exactly one month out from my day of epiphany...the day I realized I was fat..
It sums up, in a nutshell..all the reasons I 'wanted' to eat..
I felt I should eat..etc.
And they were all a mask for why I was really eating..
I was eating because it was easier than feeling.
I was eating because it is easier to cram it in than it is to leave it alone.
Nothing tastes that good.
Not really.
Nothing tasted good enough to make me feel tired all the time..
Nothing tasted good enough to sacrifice my health, simply to eat it.
There came a point when I could envision hitting the age of 60, and I am lying on a hospital bed with a heart attack..
And what do I say? What would you say when your kids are asking you what happened?
I didn't want to say; "A cheeseburger was more important than those next 15 to 20 years I could have had with you and the grand kids."
Or, even..."A piece of pizza was more important than living a life unencumbered by my weight and my health."
If I had kept eating because it tasted good...I wouldn't have had to say a thing..It would have been written all over my body.
It's like that old expression:What you do speaks so loudly, I can't hear what you are saying.
 I have been there..watching my children play while I sat on a bench while they begged me to play.
I would say I am too tired..
I said I loved my children..and I did.
But could I love them enough to stop using food like a drug?
Or how about my husband...I didn't feel pretty at all.
I didn't want him to see me in a swimsuit or any other way...
That damaged our marriage.
all that time I lost...I can't get that back.
But I can choose my family, and not food.
I can choose health.
I can choose to live and not just exist.
Eating more than you need, is simply not worth it.
The things I used to say morphed into..
I already ate that..
because at some point, I did.
There is nothing man has made that I have not eaten.
I have had what they are having.
I know what it tastes like.
I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want.
I just choose not to..
because I want health more than I want that ice cream, or soda...or pizza...or chips.
Nothing tastes as good as becoming the kind of  person I admire.
Nothing feels as good as showing the people I love that they are important enough to hang around for..to be healthy for...that includes Me!
When you eat well, and exercise..you are being your own best friend..
Love yourself.
Chris out.


D4-The challenge participants and a follow on question.

Okay..I have a list of challenge participants..
The challenge is now closed to new participants, meaning I won't be adding anymore people after tonight. I added one just now..and that's it..I need to start setting up my timeline for questions and things of that nature.
So, here are a list of participants...
VAl N.
Julie H.
Tammy O.
Julie S.
Jen B.
JO @ wkl
Cheryl C
Christina H.
Kathy M.
Sandra S.
Kiran D.
Jadhav M.
Bhargavi H.
I have your weights..except for one and you know who you are ;oD...
Get that to me asap...lol.
The follow on question.
What do you say in your head when you get to the end of your calories and see other people eating a food you would like to eat...
And do not post what you SHOULD think...post what you HONESTLY think. lol.

think about it and post below tomorrows post.
How we think about what it is we are doing will determine our mindset.

I used to think...well, I will save that for tomorrow.
You guys have a great night!
Remember...Steel curtain zone..1500 calories..
And traditionally days 3 and 4 are very hard because you are hungry and the new is wearing off.
Hang in there.
chris out.


D3_ A great workout and a sleepover...

I can't talk, but I am currently hosting 8 girls for a sleepover...some are playing video games..some are playing a board game and some are doing their hair..either way they are having fun and I have to supervise! Have a  great night guys..hope youcalories came in under and you got your exercise!
chris out.


D2- Destructive thought patterns...why I harp on them.

Hey guys...Day 2 in the bag...well, it's not actually in the bag till your head hits your pillow...but my calories are sitting at 1100...(1460 was the total  yesterday) and I am having fish and three cups of veggies with an egg on top for dinner..that will bring me in at 1470 calories today... I like to give myself room in case I missed or mismeasured.  So anywhoozle...
Negative thought patterns..
I used to be the queen of them..
of course I didn't think I was being negative back then..I thought I was being  'realistic'.
I went back in time and what do you know...
I found some examples of my mindset from about a month into my journey.

Here are some of my self destructive thought patterns for the day. June 25th, 2009....
This was me explaining them and how I fought them.

1.) I will just take today off, and climb back on tomorrow. (we all know this one, it usually precedes a week long binge in which the 12.4 lbs you managed to whittle off your fat frame leaps back on at an amazing pace.)

2.) I don't want to walk today, it's too hot. (This one won until 8 o clock at night, it had cooled considerably and my little excuse was no longer true. Whatever else I am, I am a truth teller. I did only one mile. I am committing myself to two tommorrow, even if the sun tears my hide off....current weather prediction tommorrow...88 degrees, ugh)

3.) I will just try 'eating healthy'. I believe this little thought pattern is what bumped me off Atkins after about four months and 30 lbs. I was once down to 215. Eating healthy is usually and slowly replaced with "eating everything'. Just sayin'.

4.) Yesterdays walk-halfway through. My stinking thinking was in high gear. thoughts include "you idiot, how did you ever let yourself get so fat". Or, "Everybody who is driving by is probably thinking I look like a fat pig." and "Isn't it laughable really, the walking that turns me beat red is this teenagers normal pace'.
I actually had to say to myself; "Self, talking to yourself this way isn't going to do you any good whatsoever. Bad talk is what got you where you are, and at least you are doing something about it now. You are taking control of your future. This is all one day at a time."

And then I thought about all of that positive self talk, and what should pop into my head but Jack Sh*t's gettin fit blog....namely his June 17th "how to stop being a wally whiny britches blog.....and this little quote...."Try a daily affirmation, such as “Affirmations aren’t really as stupid and silly as I think they are.”

Then I laughed hard and stopped feeling sorry for myself.
I have said many many times that I understand the thought process people have..I know why they call themselves names..or why they feel bad..They feel like the let themselves down.
Well, talking that way is a sure way to defeat yourself before you even begin...
You have to stop that awful loop in your head..
The one telling you that you are ridiculous..That people think you look ridiculous..
The one telling you it's too late.
or it's too hard.
or your not strong enough..
or Jeez, after 50 pounds I am still fat!
That one will get to you too...if you have a lot of weight to lose..
especially women.
because you have been eating bean sprouts and lean protein for four months..and then some jagoff moos at you from his car.
And you think..
What's the point...
The point is...he will always be an idiot..
But someday, you won't be fat anymore.
in fact...that same guy might shout 'nice @ss." one day.
not that you want him to notice..
because you are too good for him anyways..
But still...
Start talking to yourself like you would talk to your very best friend in the world.
If you call yourself fat or stupid...say out loud.."stop it".
I did that yesterday..
after my car was wrecked.
I simply stopped myself from doing that.
It does no good.
It is harmful.
Make a new tape.
To replace the old one...
for every fat cow your mind utters...(oh, I wanted to write udders..lol...But I am being good)
say, I am doing this for me, and I am beautiful right now..and getting better all the time.
Don't just get rid of the tape..
make a new one.
I will talk a lot more about this.
That tape wasn't just made by you...but by many many people.
That is further down the road when we start identifying the lies we believe about ourselves and where we got the lies from..
But I hope you all had a great night.
I did..I got my whole body workout in..a one mile walk and 10 minutes on the arc trainer...awesome.
Chris out. 


Why do I want to do this? And How sure am I of my success...

I want to lose the rest of this weight because I have come too far not to finish..It would be like getting 10 foot from the finish line and stopping, sitting down and saying "Well, that's it...I've done enough."
I would never forget that I quit.
When I first started I did it because my body felt like a prison.
It hurt,
all the time.
I never left my house, I never participated in anything new..
I was living half a life.
I was existing.
Do I think I will succeed.
I know I will succeed.
100 percent.
Because I know what the power of will can do.
I know what the power of God can do.
At any moment we can say "Now."
And do it.
I have done that.
Nothing succeeds like success..
so if you aren't sure...
Just know that in every moment you choose.
You choose to win. 
Don't turn your mind off...or let your mind tell you that you can't.
Or that you aren't worth it.
If you SET your mind.
You can. You will.
Today could have thrown me off.
I had a car accident. 
If you know anything about the last few months you will know it's been hard on the financial front.
I won't be getting it fixed anytime soon.
And after I got done getting the car towed...
I went to a meeting, then I went to the gym
I have only had 880 calories so I need to eat something.
The accident took forever and I ended up eating a granola bar for lunch (It was in my glove compartment) and then an orange later...
I will have to eat something to get me over 1200...
I never fall below.
But It didn't undercut me..
I am still going.
Have a great day..
remember...stay  on track...keep that steel curtain UP.
ps. I was talking to insurance so I will have a list of contestants up tomorrow...

Quick challenge update..

So far we have 17 challenge participants.
You have till midnight mountain time in America (I say this because I have a few participants from other parts of the world. lol) to get your pictures with weight in and all the rest.
I will be posting the My answer to the question tonight.
I had a few questions about the 1500 calorie cap.

1.) Yes, You can go lower if you want..I would not reccomend going below 1200..you will starve and binge...

2.)There are no dietary rules..I don't believe in imposing those on people..if  you don't eat what you like I don't think it's a long term solution.
Have a great days guys and REMEMBER...Don't go over..that's number 1..success breeds success.

Chris out.


100 Day weight loss challenge starts Tomorrow...final instructions

Hey all,
So far I have nine participants...I have six weight photos and one near weight photo, I have also been contacted by one more and will have hers in the moring...Hopefully I will be contacted here shortly by the last participant. I will do a quick list of participants tomorrow morning on this blog.
So, to be reallllly clear.
Three major components:
1500 calorie cap-
There are no rules regarding the calorie cap....just that it is a steel curtain zone.
Think of it like a bank account...you can go up to it, but not over.
Will someone go over at some point?
Most likely...but we should be doing everything within our power to NOT GO OVER.
This is key.
It's an ironclad decision..
And, it will also expose every excuse we make to ourselves about why we overeat.
Which is why I am doing this...lol.

number 2:
30 minutes of movement..could be walking...could be marching in place..
could be pilates all over the house. Could be the gym...
doesn't matter...just make it daily...you can do three 10 minute segments...or ten 3 minute segments.
six days  a week.
I incorporate a day of rest as a matter of faith...
but six days a week will make it a habit sooner or later.

and finally,
self honesty- which is why I am asking questions for journaling..after I post this..I will be emailing the question.
Being honest with ourselves about why we are overweight and what we are using food for...that is key.
I have decided to tag on to each question a proactive mental exercise.
I know...I didn't say that..until I realized that the one thing I really needed to do when I started was change my thought patterns..
or as sean and I both call it..our interior tape.
The number 1 mental exercise is going to be getting rid of the negative tape.
I will be posting my answer to the question on my blog tomorrow..and if you all want to share..
You can.  A quick reply will do here...just a quick reason. Or, a more indepth reason...
Share as much or as little as you wish, Just as long as you journal it yourself...and are completely honest with yourself as to why you want to lose the weight..
After that...the next ten days will be dedicated to catching your brain in the act of self sabotage.
What do you say to yourself when you fail.
Or even when you don't?
What do you call yourself?
What do you really believe about your chances of success...
I just want you to take note, write it down somewhere.

These first ten days, consistency is key.
success builds on success.
Days three and four are usually the hardest because the new has worn off..
also the people around you who are accustomed to you doing things a certain way will start to take notice...and you may get resistence.
It is VERY VERY VERY important to push through these first ten days as close to on program as you can make them...you will only see why in hindsight.
so set your mind to NO FAIL...LIFE AND DEATH...THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE...
and you will succeed.
If you want to share, we can share it here or on face book.
support is key. 
Our next weigh in will be February 8th.
I am glad to be doing this with a great group of people.
See you tomorrow morning!
Chris out.

Challenge info

Okay...So, for those who have decided to join the challenge..
I will need a starting weight photo..Just a shot of your feet and the number.
The email address is livedeliberately01@yahoo.com
That's the reason the email bounced back to you...I forgot to put in the 01.
Sorry, busy few days.
I will be emailing you guys the question tonight.
The calorie cap and exercise start tomorrow.
I think this will be fun.
Remember this is for you....
I will not be kicking people out of my challenge...
But we will be discussing over the next 100 days, the reasons why it's hard to keep your calories below a certain point...what we can do to craft lives that integrate more health etc.
It's a process of learning...
So I am looking forward to it.
have a great day guys.
talk to you tonight.
Chris out


100 Day Weight loss challenge....

I have decided for my own sake to do a 100 day weight loss challenge..
this idea popped into my wee skull when I began mulling over a few things.
First was a comment left by a very insightful commenter..
She said in a round about way a while ago that I was still holding onto the food.
That my splurge day was a way for me to not let go of my food addiction.
I don't think she said it quite that way..
but I am pretty sure that was the crux of it.
And it stung.
And when something stings, that's when you know it probably is TRUE.
I am a big believer in accepting the truth.
So I thought, what better way to kick it once and for all than to
Now who lost their weight by capping their calories and never looking back..
Then I remembered my promise to promote his book...
and then I thought..
You know, if sean can do it...can go nearly 2 years with a calorie cap...2 YEARS.
Through birthdays..Christmases and Thanksgivings...etc.
I can do it for 100 days.
Then I thought of how I began and how important it was for me to make MOVING a daily part of my life.
So I began walking..and now exercise is an integral part of my life.
After 100 days, I would imagine it would be a habit for anyone.
Now to honor God I incorporate Sunday as a day of rest.
That's why six days, not seven.
If you want to do seven...there is nothing in this challenge to stop you. 
These are just baselines.
learning to make exercise a daily part of life has held my weight down when I slipped on the food front.
And finally...
What I feel is the most important part of this whole challenge..
The whys...the why nots...and what is pushing us forward or holding us back.
I call it 'cleaning out the chicken coop'..
Identifying the parts of our lives that keep us from our full potential.
Or as I call it..
The sh*t that kept me fat.
So...If you want to lose weight like I did, like Sean did..
This is exactly what we did..
capped our calories.
dealt with our crap.
I have two participants..Day 1 is WEDNESDAY.
I would like the participants to email me their weights with some sort of photographic proof by tomorrow..could be a cell phone shot...doesn't matter...just your feet and the number. 
Thereafter we will weigh every two weeks.
Why every two weeks.
Because like Sean says in his book (and it's another thing I agree with as I like to weigh monthly)...
The body is a funny thing.
And it is easy to become discouraged.
This should pretty much eliminate any sort of bizarre fluctuations and it should keep us motivated.
On weigh day..you send the weight...
Now does this stop you from hopping on your scale ten times a day...No.
But there is something about not making it official that takes the pressure off.
I don't post the weight on my blog...I will post losses...or if there is no loss..a gain.
 But not the number.
The point of this is to see progress.
I will weigh in as well, and post my pluses or minuses.
At the end we will take one more snapshot and identify the winner by percentage of body fat lost.
meaning..as a percentage of whole body mass.  That way bigger folk don't have an advantage. lol.
You can thank the biggest loser for that one.
I can not win my own challenge. 
The gift is for someone else.
My gift is sharing this last bit of my weight loss journey with whoever is in it with me...
And if you don't want to be a formal  participant...that's okay..maybe you can do it on the sly.
I will be posting the first question to the participants  via email on Tuesday night..and each successive question every ten days thereafter.
And will post it on my blog on Wednesday (Go day.) 
Journaling (the blog) helped me more than I can imagine...I have no issues with letting it all hang out.
But I know alot of people do..
Which is why if you don't want to share a lot of personal stuff...you can simply journal it in a diary...
I do want the answer to why you want to lose weight though, it will be important later.
The other questions will make for good conversation on my facebook page if you feel inclined...
should anyone feel inclined..
But it's really just for the people to think about.
Cap the calories at 1500.
move everyday for 30 minutes minus one rest day
Answer the question, at least to yourself...
And do it continually for the next 100 days...
sounds as easy and as hard as all that.
You can opt in below or in my email livedeliberately@yahoo.com
The facebook page is linked in the top right hand corner..
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

Transformation Road Review and the 100 day challenge

Hey guys,
Well in the last few days I have learned just how generous our blogging community is..
I was first contacted by a person who would rather remain anonymous.
This person gifted me with a hard copy of Transformation Road.
Then Sean Anderson Contacted me, and sent me an E copy of his book.
So, The hard copy will be a Gift to someone...but I will get to that in a later post.

First, my actual Review of Transformation Road.

An apt title.
It Charts Sean's Journey from 'husky' child to a morbidly obese adult.
Quite Frankly, I think Sean and I were on the same road.
We have a lot in common.
We both were raised by single mothers, both ridiculed in school.
We were both loathe to start a fight, or even finish one.
We both simply wanted peace.
He tells his story in a way that is compelling and easy to read.
I finished it under three hours.
I am a fast reader, but he made it easy.
It was, while hard to listen to, enjoyable.
Every one of us who has been morbidly obese, knows what it means to have our weight hinder our life...
Knows what it means to have our weight hold us back from being all we can be.
Watching the progression of events in Sean's life that led to an ironclad decision to shed the weight, I can tell you...
I know what it feels like to be fed up. 
His initial reason began as an exterior source, but soon moved into an interior reason.
He knew he deserved better.
He knew he wanted a better life.
And he realized finally, that the locus of control resided within him.
His choices..
He chose to change before change chose him.
He chose to change his addictive relationship with food by accepting that his obesity was caused by him, and him alone.
It was caused by his battle with food, his addiction to it.
He realised that only he could make the choices that would lead him to a different path.
And he made peace with all of it.
Made peace with the fact that he could no longer use food as a drug to numb out his emotions.
Made peace with the fact that the way he used food was harming his body and his family.
He made the choice to get better and to use food as fuel.
The mental aspects of this book are a roadmap to victory and are worth the price in and of themselves.
I have never read what he wrote, about the tools you truly need to lose weight at the end of ANY  other diet book.
The tools you need are free and at hand, you don't need a program or a pill...all you need is YOU.
Read it.
It will change your concept of the term "diet".

Now on to an idea I have been kicking around for the last week or so.
The 100 day  challenge.
I can only lay out the bare bones right now..it's morning and I have some work to do..
but the top three qualifiers to be a challenge participant are these:
Cap your calories at 1500 for 100 days
Do some form of exercise 6 days a week for 30 minutes...for 100 days.
And I will be asking 10 questions..1 question every ten days to get each participant to think about the why and how of their weight loss journey.
And I won't be asking anyone to share anything they don't want to share, but I will be asking you to journal it on your own....
The first question will be "Why do you want to lose weight."

But if you would like to discuss these questions or your own...I have started a page on facebook.
If you would like to be in the 100 day challenge you can email me at livedeliberately01@yahoo.com
I will begin this challenge on wednesday...also known as day 1.
I will be blogging about it here, and updating on the facebook page...which is linked in my sidebar at the top.

I f you decided to join,  Include the email address you would like your questions emailed to...
I intend the facebook page to be a forum for updating your daily calorie totals and workouts,
And also a place for people to discuss the questions I pose...and to maybe pose some of your own.
So, anyone who would like to be a challenge participant,
you can email me @ the above email address, or leave a comment below.
Have a great day guys.

Chris out.


Transformation Road

Hello all..
I am going to promote a book on my blog.
I never sell anything.
I don't put crap up in my sidebar...or do giveaways..
You know why?
Because deep down I believe it's a personal choice how we lose weight.
I also believe weight loss is just about the most simple thing in the world.
And I have one person I know that I agree with completely about the 'science' and 'philosophy' of weight loss.
He has written a book.
His name is Sean Anderson.
He started at 505 lbs...I started at 262 lbs.
And whatever weight you start at..It doesn't matter.
It isn't how you begin, it's where you end up.
The mindset matters!
Sean and I agree about what matters most.

That you have GOT to change your life, not go on a diet.
That you don't need another program.
You need to cap your calories and get some exercise.

And that you need to DECIDE!
 Really decide to change your life and make it a permanent change.
This is a book about how he made his decision and that journey.

I haven't read this book.
I don't have the money right now to buy it.
But I don't need to buy this book to know what's in it.
I have read Sean's blog.
I believe in Sean's message.
I trust him, and think if his message can spread..then more people could have  hope.
People who don't have the money for another program..
Or diet book...
Or special shakes..
Or pills
Or personal trainers.
Sean is not going to be promoted by the weight loss industry.
You know it and I know it..
There is no money to be made off this guy!
Eat less..move more...and do it for the rest of your life?
There is no hook there..no gimmick.
But we as a weight loss community can support him..can do what we can to promote his book and this philosophy.
You and I spent YEARS buying into the so called "complexity" of weight loss.
What if we could make it simpler for others?
What if we could demystify the process?

Well, I can do my part.
So from here on out you will see Sean's book on my sidebar.
It will link to his blog...

If you can afford it, buy it.
If you've read it and liked it, give it a great review..
and if you are so inclined..
promote it.

Do it for the person out there who is out of hope, and thinks it's too hard.
That they need a program or a certain diet.
I wish I had read something as simple and straight forward as Sean's philosophy years ago..
If I had, maybe I could have avoided some pain.
Have a great night guys.
chris out.


Foam Rolling...it's painful but it works...

Foam rolling....
I had never heard of it until I started watching omar's videos...
I was skeptical.
what on earth could planting your rear on a piece of foam do?
Quite a bit..
When I first started working out at the gym..
I went full on elliptical for about a month..
without properly stretching afterwards..
pain...and an injury that last two or three weeks..
Stretching is indeed an important part of your exercise regimen.
The foam roller isn't stretching per se.
It's actually better.
After I do a whole body workout..
really pushing my muscles with weight circuits.
I get very sore.
Foam rolling is like a magic pill for those sore muscles...
See that pose up there?
That really helps your ligaments in your hips and around your knees.
If this looks like it 'feels good'...
Don't be fooled.
It's painful..
But it pushes that lactic acid out of your muscles...
do that and drink a ton of water..well..
you should be able to train hard the next day.
Which is what we want!
So I will leave a link to the video here..The real information begins at 3 minutes in...before that it is omar being omar...translation...goofball.
Tomorrow I will be posting a tag I recieved a while back from Joy and a book recommendation that I have been meaning to get to.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


Fun, yes I said FUN at the gym...

okay..mental work is neccessary..
But it sure hasn't been any fun.
I went to the gym today and did a lot of cardio.
I plan to get back into my whole body workouts next week..
This week has zapped my energy on a lot of levels..
so I kept it very simple..
So...now you get to see the me that used to get me into trouble in school

The me that asked my fourth grade teacher if he had a toupee..
The me that got kicked out of my high school principals office for calling him a sell out.
The me that chucked a can of pepsi at my journalism teacher.

Well, I am walking around the track inside..
And there is this older gentleman..
about 50 or so..
And he does not like women to 'pass' him..
you know..kind of like the guys who don't like you to pass them on the highway.
Well, this dude is very competitive when it comes to women passing him..
So, He passes me..
And everytime he passes me...he looks back..to check my status as it were.
He did this yesterday two or three times.
So yesterday I sped up to check my hypothesis..
and as I picked up speed, he did.
So I knew he was 'one of those'.
So today...I was feeling...plucky.
I thought..
Let's see how tenacious he is about this 'no passing' thing.
So he passes me..
I pick up speed...he glances back..picks up speed..
I pick up more speed...he glances back and sees..
to his shock and dismay...that I haven't fallen back.
He picks up more speed.
So do I.
He looks back and now he looks worried.
I can tell you I am starting to smile.
He picks up more speed (we are both walkers btw..)
at this point we are both doing that goofy speed  walking
and he is checking every 10 to 20 feet or so..
By this time I am laughing my ass off...
We did this for a half mile
he leaves.
I couldn't help it..
That was the most fun I have had in a long time..
I laughed all the way through the rest of my workout and even now I am smiling.
Sometimes the gym can be fun.
Chris out.

Friends...and coming to terms.

I have been emotionally drained over the last few days...
What I figured out three days ago has really made me re examine nearly everything..
I have been having vivid dreams where I am trying to protect my daughter's from danger..
I think you all remember a year or so back..all those nightmares about dying children..
This is less dire and more direct...
no more subtext, just in your face fears finally come into the open.
Where they can be dealt with.
I finally realized that my childhood is not something I can lock away in a box..
And I can not create a whole new person...because I don't need to.
I have to accept that it has affected everything...
from how I relate to people..
to how I perceive my interactions with others..
And I have realized something..
There isn't anything wrong with me...
I am not abnormal.
I am very average..and when I take away that film that covers everything..
that somehow I am deficient.
That I have to make sure i don't intrude...or don't burden...
or don't bother..
You know, you don't have to do that with your true friends.
I have some spectacular friends..
friends I can sit down and talk about anything with..
open minded, intellectual and rigorous.
I also have friends who are kind and spiritual..
But one thing all my friends have in common...
They accept me for me.
And I accept them for who they are...it is a two way street.
They know I am not only opinionated, but welcome other's opinions.
I don't expect others to think like me...
In fact, if I suspected they were attempting to mollify me with agreement..
I would be repulsed.
And if there is one thing I have learned it's this..
It's better to be rejected for who you are then who you pretend to be...
I know rejection is some people's biggest fear, I think it used to be mine...

I faced a lot of rejection as  a kid...mostly adults dealing with their own stuff.
I didn't know that then, I know that now.
I thought it was me...something in me...
And as I look at that, and how it shaped me..
And the fantastic people I have had in my life who have helped me see things clearly..
GOOD people I am convinced God placed in my path so I could keep going...

I have realized that If I can have every part of me damaged while still interacting with good people..
Imagine the people who never had the chance.
I am speaking now of my stepdad.
Acknowledging that there wasn't even a part of me that really escaped from 10 years of abuse, made me stop and acknowledge that he dealt with 18 years of physical abuse.
And who  knows what else.
I think this last key is really a key to understanding..
Understanding that while we can try to get in someone's head and understand their motives..
or what their intentions are...
We will never completely understand where another person is coming from.
That person's perspective is a conglomeration of life events, that..even if described in detail...can never be lived by another human being.
Sometimes people don't mesh, for whatever reason.
All we can do is be true to who we are...
And try to do better..
Try to love..
And if people can't see our heart..or perhaps we simply can't see another's point of view..
That's okay.
Sometimes in life, people just can't.
Can't be our friend..
Can't be a parent..or a sister, brother, mother, father or whatever role they need to fulfill.
Maybe life is just too much...maybe they don't know how...
or maybe it's just not what they need at this time.
I used to take every sign of rejection as a judgement of my failure as a human being.
And maybe sometimes it is..
but it doesn't mean that I am a failure..
or not loveable.
It's just people doing what people do..
after a little bit of feeling down earlier.
I got on the phone for two hours with a very good friend..
And I was just me..a little opinionated, a little obnoxious..
and she was a little opinionated and a little obnoxious.
And we laughed, and we understood each other.
And it felt good.

Chris out...


Breaking the cycle of obesity....

Hi guys,
Thanks for all the kind comments..I appreciated them.
 I read them two or three times..
and to the people who heard themselves in there, it made writing that out worthwhile.
If I can help people by being honest..then it gives some value to the past.
My friend who talked me through this last bit also stated that I third person all of my stories of my childhood...as if they happened to someone else.
So I have been writing things that happened to me using the word I..
to connect me to my childhood.
I am writing things like..
I was hurt...
I was hit...etc. 
So I am facing the things that happened and 'reintegrating' that portion of my life.
Reintegrating my child part to the adult part...to the adult ME.
But I wouldn't be where I am today If I hadn't started...
And I started simply by stopping..
I stopped eating to cover the pain.
Now initially I started eating when I was young as a coping mechanism to fulfill needs that weren't being met..
By the time I was morbidly obese..
The fat had started to create it's own problems that masked the initial issues.
So it went like this...
I was in need of emotional support or love..
I would reach out..and instead of recieving love or support
I recieved pain and abuse.
I stopped trying to get love from people..
and began to numb the feelings with food.
I did it so long that I forgot how to ask for love and acceptance..
And in fact didn't even realize anything was missing..
then I got fatter and fatter, and my world got smaller and smaller...
my fat protected me from new situations...
I could always say
No thank you..
I  am not going to do________.
and then my fat was alienating my spouse and hindering my life..
which would cause pain I didn't know how to deal with..
except through eating..
Until one day I said enough.
And I had to stop eating.
And it took awhile, but those feelings came back.
And I had to deal with the feelings..
Not only that, but when you begin to change one part of your life..
All the other parts start to shift and rearrange.
If you are morbidly obese...your life is set up in a way that will keep you fat..
your activities and daily habits are set.
Your friends and your family expect certain things from you...certain habits and mental attributes...
Change one thing and it is like a clock with all of it's gears..
one gear is out of place..the others have to be adjusted.
Some gears are rusty and don't want to be adjusted...some are great
and some have to be removed entirely.

These other gears can be friends, family, or your own feelings and inability to cope..
You have now got all these new feelings and hurdles to jump..
And you no longer have your old coping mechanism.
And that is where you will have to have willpower and the determination
you want to change.
Your REASON/S have to be bigger than the reasons why not..
Because you are walking into a storm..and the only thing that is going to be able to pull you through that is your reason for being there...
No sane person would run into a burning building to look good..
But you would if your kids were there..
What if your life was there?
And the only way to get it back was to brave the flames?
Well, that is what this is.
It's about your life.
But If you can do this..holding on and making for yourself,  new coping mechanisms.
If you can learn how to reach out, to ask for help...to make  new habits..new patterns.
If you are willing to let go of your crutch..
If you are willing to tell others no...
No to that old you..and give them the reasons why..
The people who love you will back you.
And the people who use you will leave...
And this honesty and improvement will spread to every aspect of your life.
You will succeed..
It's the first six months mentally that are the toughest.
If you get past those and keep going
You will succeed.
Pushing it off only means you have to deal with it later.
Sometimes there were so many layers you can only find them by continuing to dig...continuuing to grow.
It can be very tiring.
I am tired.
But...I am done.
I know all my mental traps and pitfalls.
I know what's going on in here.
So this last bit, while the hardest..
has, of course, had the biggest payoff.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend..
And for the first time I didn't have the urge to flee in the middle of the conversation.
You see, for forever I had a feeling while I was talking to people I didn't know very well..
That I wasn't very interesting, or didn't have much to say..
I think I even said on here once..
before I got better..
that if you met me in real life and weren't close to me..
You wouldn't recognize me from this blog.
And while I was talking to her...
(she is very confident..very sure of herself..and she has always made me nervous)
I realized I had been talking a full ten minutes and hadn't gotten that panicky, suffocated "I must escape" feeling I usually get.
I almost stopped and said something it was so fantastic!
but I didn't...
I felt okay.
I felt normal.
I felt happy.
And I wanted that moment to be normal...and okay.
I even invited her to my house for coffee a week or so from now..
she has invited me all over the place..
and I hadn't invited her.
And I finally did.
So, just keep going.
Keep trying.
You'll get there.


The final Turd in the chicken coop....

Hey all,
Hows it going?
good, that's good (I am assuming you said well...we always say well or good...even if we don't really mean it...It's the polite thing to do)
I have been having a hard/strange week.
Well, actually a hard/strange year and a half.
It started when I went back to Michigan...
I think I spoke a while back about the oppressive fear I felt as I got lower  in weight.
But I couldn't pinpoint the source.
Well, A few months back I was at the gym and was lying on a mat doing some stretching..
And I had a flash in my head of an incident that happened when I was around 10.
I won't get into all of it...but it was bad enough to cause a panic attack.
I know you guys know I talk about nearly everything on this blog..
Well, this didn't happen to me...it happened to a relative.
I just happened to be there, in the bunk above.
And apparently I repressed this particular memory....
And this act was done by the same person who had touched me inappropriately..
Only he did something to someone else.
So, I have been struggling for two months with this particular issue..
wondering (beyond the obvious) what it was that was bothering me so much...
well, I thought it was that I didn't say something...
to anyone.
In fact, I never told anyone what had happened to me till I was in my 30's, let alone what happened that night.
Well, I was wrong...It wasn't that I didn't tell anyone..
It was this...that When I was touched, It felt good...even though it was wrong.
I was 10...I think I internalized that...that there was something wrong with me for something like that to feel good when it was wrong.
I internalize shame.
well, looks like I am talking about it..what the hell...I talk about everything else.
I had a dream the other night..
In my dream I dreamt that an uncle touched me inappropriately...and it felt good.
and my aunt saw (now this uncle has never done any such thing.)
and I felt guilty for hurting my aunt, even though in my dream I didn't do anything to encourage this.
and I turn and ran.
And ran into kids from high school...ones who had picked on me...
and they were all laughing and smirking.
And when I woke up I realized that final Turd in my Chicken coup was this:
I was afraid there was something about ME that invited the abuse.
So I called on a very good friend to help me sort it out...
And as usual, she was very helpful..
First she said: Chris, we are wired to feel pleasure when touched sexually...the victim is always the victim...whatever else occurs. 
I knew that intellectually...but well..you know...
She asked..In that dream, were you YOU...or was it that part of you...the young you, that you think you locked away and kept safe...were you an adult or a child?
I was a child.
At my core, the part of me that I tried to seperate from the abuse...I unconciously thought I was dirty and that I would hurt people by being sexually attractive.
That if I became thin...that I would become someone who was dirty or was wrong...or invited inappropriate behavior...
That my feeling of the touch feeling nice...the feeling being pleasurable was an indication that there was something inherently dirty or wrong with me...
And that translated into a need not only to protect myself from men..
But I thought I needed to protect me and others from MYSELF.
I was what I feared.
The me I thought was in there.
The normal things like getting attention, and then enjoying the attention...
would trigger a binge.
quite frankly it's a miracle I am sitting at this weight at all.
I think this was the hardest part of my chicken coop to unearth because it isn't something from without...it was something at the core of my belief about myself, that I refused to even acknowledge was there...
And it's a lie.
and unearthing it has helped.
When you bring something out into the sun and lay it bare...it loses it's power.
This was one of the most difficult things I have had to face.
But now that I have, I can be aware of my internal dialogue.
I can face it and refute the lies with the truth.
Nothing is there anymore..
There is no more there that can stop me.
I may have moments of fear..
But I know the cause.
So, Thank you all for listening to me all this time..and Thank you to my friend...
You have helped me more than you know.
chris out....


A moment of quiet reflection...


I'm done ;oD

Chris out.


Keeping my why in mind.....

Because I want to WIN that's why!
I want to prove to ME that I can do it.
I want to prove that I am more powerful than anything that has happened to me..
and when I choose
Day in and Day out
To do my best and make no excuses.
I get closer to my goal.
I get closer to being the me I was meant to be.
The only person that can stop me is ME.
I won't be my own roadblock.
I will be my own catalyst.
The power to change resides within ME.
I choose.
I fight.
I win.
Chris out.


How to keep your head IN THE GAME...

When you get tempted to go light...
When you get tempted to Give in...
Just know this
WATCH...it's 17 seconds and it says it all:

There is no Tomorrow.
Chris out.



Hello all.
I was walking today...and to lose the weight I want to lose I really have to tighten up the calories and batten down the hatches with the exercise...I am ramping up to give it the good fight.

If you were going to face your enemy in battle..
you would need a few things.
You would need to recon the area.
Scope out the terrain..
know where your enemy lies...
LIke during the battle of gettysburg, the North arrived first...
And they knew to win that battle, the high ground was key.
They prepped the battlefield in their favor.
so when you are going in to fight your battle..
prep your field..
or...get rid of those m&ms sitting in your cupboard.
Get rid of your food Kryptonite.
For me it's popcorn..
for some it's oreos..
Oreos don't do a thing for me.
If you stuck oreos in front me and a slice of french bread with butter..
I would choose the bread.
It's the way I roll.
Know yourself.
Put good healthy food in your home.
Stuff that is good for you and tastes good..
And is filling.
Have a treat that isn't a trigger...
Something that you can have a bite or two off but won't send you off the deep end to binge territory.
So, I f you like chocolate...they have sugar free pudding cups.
It will cure your chocolate issue for only 60 calories and it's portion controlled.
Or if it's  something crunchy and salty..
salted pistachios do it for me.
or mini pretzels...20 for 110 calories.
If you are just flat out hungry..
for me..it's shredded cabbage...
It takes a long time to chew and it's filling.
If you want something warm...try beef or chicken broth...it's filling.
I substituted splenda for sugar..it saves me a ton of calories.
I eat lots of veggies at dinner..it fills me up.
And exercise is not optional..it's mandatory..
No choice on whether I pay my bills..
no choice on exercise.
I will be back tomorrow on understanding the mental processes.
Tonight is my whole body workout...
I bought 5 lb plates for my barbell last night to increase the intensity of my whole body workout...since it was lagging.
I have really built some muscle under this fat I want to get rid of.
So I just have to keep on keeping on..taking one day at a time..
One pound at a time.
chris out.


3 simple ways to lose weight...

Have you got the feeling that I am going to pull a lot of fish on my line with this blog title.
I do.
How many jump back out of the boat when they figure out it's not a magic pill or a cookie diet or a meal and deal plan? 
Who knows.

It really is simple.
Let's do this in rhyme....
1.) Cap your calories.
The Less that  goes in, the more the weight comes off.
I don't care what you call it....low carb..low fat...vegan...
It's all about calories.
Now granted some can have more and some can have less.
It's not fair...but that is the way it is...
Eating real food makes it easier...but you could concievably lose that weight eating nothing but twinkies and diet coke.
YOu'll feel like crap....but it will work as long as you have a deficit.
Pick a cap you can live with and eat foods you like.. and keep it under a certain number.
That's all.

2.) Exercise
MOVE YOUR REAR.  The more you move, the more you burn.
It's that simple.
You can starve the fat off...but it isn't very pleasant or proactive.
Moving makes it go much faster..
and you will also feel better.

3.) Don't quit.
That's it..not ever.
Not for anything or anyone...not when you are tired of it...not when you are slogging around in month three and couldn't give a rat's ass.

that is how you lose weight.
Now the hard part is doing it.
hard core.
Chris out.