My march to victory

After taking the weekend off to mentally prep for the next four months, or as carlos likes to say 'hop back on the Krab'...I realized that I was 226 in the morning and 229 at night. Of course, I feel good about that number....now. But I remember the last time i looked that number in the face. It was 2005. I had just found out I was pregnant. I was so scared because I knew I wasn't at a healthy weight. I KNEW that would make my pregnancy soooo much harder, it would increase my chances of toxemia and other complications. I didn't want to be pregnant. Oh, don't get me wrong. I wanted the baby, just not the pregnancy. It didn't matter, within a month and a half, I miscarried. The doctor told me "Maybe if you lost some weight, you would be better able to carry a pregnancy'. Did I lose weight? No. I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt I had 'killed' my baby. It doesn't make any rational sense, but you couldn't tell that to My negative thoughts. I never stopped to consider that maybe it wasn't my weight, that maybe it was hormonal, or one of many other things. It's funny how your insecurities latch on to the one probability guaranteed to make you feel like crap. I gained weight from there. I don't know what weight I started at. I started on May fourth of this year. I visibly lost weight before I ever hopped on the scale. When I weighed myself on May 18th, I was 262.4 lbs., 33 lbs heavier than before.
When I saw 229 tonight, I realized that instead of feeling defeated, I felt victorious. It's amazing what a change of mind can do. I am now on my way to under 200. I feel nervous. I have tried to get under 200 before, right after I had my youngest. I don't even remember now how long I tried. I know that I worked out like a demon, cut my calories to 1200 and I vividly remember stepping on the scale and seeing my weight GO UP. This was before I knew that you could kill your metabolism by lowering your calories too much. This was when I expected every drop to be a five pound drop, that my weight would melt off like ice in a thaw. I was younger and more impatient. Now I know that life goes on, weight loss or no. That I can spend every day worried and anxious or I can spend each day doing what needs to be done. Getting older has it's advantages. I haven't been under 200 lbs in eight years. Under 190 in nine years, under 179 in 11 years..under 156 in 13 years. I remember all these mile stones. Before, each number was a humiliating defeat, this time, it's a march of victory. I hope everyone had a very good day.
I will be logging in tomorrow with details, calories and such. I am so glad you guys are out there. Somehow it makes this easier.


It's a fine line....

between Dramatic and Poorly Planned.

I was watching, (yes I said watching) Ted Kennedy's burial on the t.v. the other day. The Kennedys usually do these things up right. I speak in particular of John F. Kennedy's funeral. Buried in Arlington at dusk. His widow and his brother standing in front of his plot, then lighting the eternal flame. Then there was Ted Kennedy's funeral, Which, By the end, looked something like this:
Only with less light.

I have only this to say...if you are going for symbolic, pitch black is bad.
Did noone think to bring flood lights, a flashlight, a candle perhaps.....
My favorite part was the fox news anchors opining on what would be the iconic moment of the day, talking about the probability of the honor guard folding the flag etc. All the while, we can't see a blessed thing, and neither could the poor child on tv crying "I can't see anything". My advice, next time...try something closer to noon or barring that, spring for some ambient lighting. Just saying. Funny how life (and the cycle of the universe) can pop the bubble of iconography. Well, Tommorrow I start (one day early I guess) my run for the border....under 200. Hope all is well with you guys.

do goodery

Well, not much to report on the diet front. I have upped my calories over the weekend because starting September 1rst I am making my four months to under two hundred run. Right now I am at about 226. I started this journey at 262.4.....I am only 27 lbs shy of 199. I have already lost 36.4 lbs. in 105 days, I can lose 27 in 122 days. I haven't been under two hundred in over eight years. This will be my Christmas present to myself.
Today was another chapter in my self improvement program. I took two girls from my troop down to angel food to hand out low cost frozen and fresh foods. It was only an hour, and it's only once a month...but I enjoyed that alot more than hanging out at walmart. No wonder people are always going around volunteering. I felt like I actually spent a productive morning. I start at the gym two days a week this coming week. I am going in the afternoons with my oldest daughter. The other four days will still be walking. I plan on upping my gym days to three in october and four or five in November. By December I will be going daily cause it will be way too cold to walk outside through about march. Better to ease in to the piranha pool than jump in head first, I always say. Hope everyone is doing well. Tommorrow I go grocery shopping for this coming week. I am pumped to say the least. Ready to go. Hope everyone out there is taking this one pound at a time.


monuments to sputidity

Hey all,
I looked and looked for a cartoon that has always been my favorite, it is this picture of a guy carving "I'm not sputid" in stone. Basically, a monument to his own 'sputidity'. I couldn't find it, (which is disappointing given that I could find a picture of a specific caboose in podunk michigan. Anywho....) Whenever I think of it, I laugh. Sometimes I look at how some people choose to exist, and think that someday they are going to look back at the life they carved and see then what was so obvious to everyone else, the glaring flaw that kept them from being the type of person they could have been. But by then, it will be too late to change it. Their sputidity enshrined, their legacy set. Take the death of Ted Kennedy. Whatever else he may have done, the one blot he can't shake is that night in chappaquidick. There were alot of little moral failings that led up to that night. Alot of other roads (pardon the pun) that he could have traveled prior to that fateful night. But what happened, happened. There is no erasing it. He has done so many serious and important things in his life (this coming from a conservative, no less) but his legacy will always be tarnished by One Big Mistake. He went on from there, became senator and I think, probably learned from what happened...but never shook it. Why is this on a weight loss blog. Simply put, about fifteen years of my life have passed since I have become overweight, then obese, then morbidly obese...I don't want to continue to have my life defined by something that is within my control to change. I have started down the road to change many times before, and then got lost, drove off a bridge and bam, back to where i was or higher. Up to my neck, in fact (or is that fat?). I have built my own monument to spuditity, it's my body. I am taking a jackhammer to this monument. One healthy meal here, one long walk there, five pounds here, ten pounds there.... and before you know it, I'm not stupid...anymore.
well, logged 1710 calories and a three mile walk.
Hope you all are doing well,


The upside of adversity

Today I want to talk about adversity. I posted before about growing up in a bad environment. I know it all seems bad, or sad, but really it wasn't. Sure there were bad parts. Large swaths actually, but in between I learned alot about how to deal with bad situations. I learned early that knowing how to do for yourself is always a positive. I watched my mom garden (1 acre), make our clothes from fabric that was given to her, build a bunk bed with a bunch of two by fours and plywood and a skillsaw (which she later admitted she had never used in her life). I remember going into the woods and loading up firewood, then stacking it. This was far and away my favorite chore. I loved the smell of fresh cut pine trees. It was always in autumn and the air was fresh and had a bite to it, all the leaves had changed color. There were purples and reds and yellow and evergreens. We stacked our wood criss cross cause that way it would dry out. We had an awesome wood stove (that my mom bought by convincing the local ace hardware to start a layaway program just for her...lmao) that put out so much heat that it would melt my moms fancy candles right through her cast iron filligreed shelves. Of course, all that heat stayed in the living room. In the halls we would have frost creeping up the walls. We would sometimes have to use a blow dryer to unlock our doors because they had froze from the inside,,,lol. In our bedroom (me and my brothers shared one) it was so cold in the middle of winter you could see our breath. We would get under the quilt our mom had made out of (no joke) old clothes. We loved those quilts. It was warm under the blanket and cold on our face. I talked to both my brother's and we still love to drive, in the winter, with the heat on full blast on our feet and the window of the car cracked. I think it reminds us of home. One year when our water pump (we had a well) froze then burst we had to walk a half mile down the road to haul water to heat on the wood stove for baths. We did that for a couple of months until my mom got up the money to get the water pump fixed. At one point we had to cut up some old furniture to burn in our woodstove because we had run out of propane AND firewood. I watched my mom make do with a pinto with no rear window, to this day I remember feeling embarrassed sitting in the grocery store parking lot in that car, watching all the people with their fancy (i.e windows intact, radio inside and perhaps even a heater) cars pulling up along side us. I know I said I felt adopted. In a way that was true. I wanted SUCH different things than anybody (except my little brother) in my family wanted. LIke I watched the news from 1980 on. I was six and loved walter cronkite. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I have great respect for my mom. When that stupid pinto would break down, she would walk, 12 miles, to work. Then she would walk home, clean, cook dinner and never ever complain. At least not to us. At her crap pay of 3.35 an hour, we always had food, clothing, shelter and heat and we NEVER missed a Christmas. In fact, those quilts were Christmas presents, we didn't know what they were made out of until my mom told us later that they were "he who shall not be named's" clothes. She cut them up and made a crazy quilt with them. That was my mom in a nutshell. We learned to do without. In fact, I am better doing without sometimes than doing with. I know how to do that. I watched someone do it, superbly. With our government rice, she made geese from fabric that she found in the bargain bins, she would stuff them with rice, call them doorstops, and she sold them. I think my favorite memory is when our septic system had reached its limit and it backed up into our trailer and my mom stood there looking at it. I asked "Is it bad". My mom said "it couldn't be worse"...then no joke, our roof fell in. on her head. She stood there, and then started laughing. She looked at me and said, "never say it couldn't be worse". I never have. I had a friend say to me once "you don't know how to fall on your face". That's right, because to do so would say that I hadn't learned the lessons my mom taught me. That whatever else happens you don't give up, you keep plugging. You keep whining to a minimum (if at all) and you do everything you can to never let down the people who count on you. This can make me a hard *ss at times, I know that. But when you watch someone do so much with so little, it really blows your excuses out of the water. Once I realized that I was selling my kids short by destroying myself physically, that I was giving them bad habits. I realized that I needed to pull my head out of my rear. I have been given SO much. I have a husband who works so I can stay home and raise my kids. I have a home with a good roof. ( a leaky water heater but anyway....lol) I can buy my kids fairly new clothes, get my food from a store and my car has all it's windows..PLUS a heater...Plus air conditioning. Pretty good. So what's the point? You can let adversity stop you, or you can let it make you. Be someone you can be proud of.
Calories yesterday 1400, calories today 1650 plus a 3.5 mile walk.
Go knock it out of the park,


phobia defied....

HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Take that fear of being seen and fear of people in moderately large numbers.
I have said that this year was a year in which I wanted to push myself a bit. Well, I have started doing that by becoming troop leader to my daughter's girl scout troop. I have a problem talking to more than one person at a time, I am not sure if this is a product of growing up in the country with relatively few people around or if I am just not a big fan of groups. I did it though. Today was the first meeting, seven girls and eight or nine adults. Normally I hide in the back. But because I am the troop leader, I had to stand up there and *gasp* talk to people. I could feel myself breaking into a sweat a couple times, talking too fast a couple times and losing my train of thought a time or two. But, nothing too noticeable. Somebody even said that i was 'well organized'. My level of organization was of course, in direct proportion to my feeling of impending ineptitude. Now only about 20-22 troop meetings left to go.
This is one of my character flaws that I have been wanting to work on for a while. I never put myself forward. When this opportunity presented itself, I found my mouth forming the words "I'll do it". Panic ensued, items were collated and lists were formed. That's okay, because I am tackling it like I do everthing else when I set my mind to it, head on. I hope I am better for it by this time next year.
What sorts of fears do you need to tackle?
Walked 2 miles after the meeting and am at 1200 calories so far...we'll see.


:The "C" Word

Noooo, not that one. dirty minds. I am taking about CONSISTENCY. The less sexy counterpart to commitment. Why am I talking consistency? Because consistency is the only way you will lose weight. I was reading a blog a few weeks ago. This individual would have a great week and then have a 12000 calorie weekend. During the week this person would have a 500-800 calorie daily deficit. A pretty decent total. But that weekend total completely blew away his week day loss and not only was he not losing, he was gaining. He was frustrated, very frustrated. The thing is, it really is simple for about 90 percent of us. Calories in, calories out. Say he burns 2500 calories a day. During the week he eats 1800. (that's generous) so, 700 calorie deficit. On Saturday he eats 6000 cal. , on Sunday, an additional 6000 calories. So, 12000-5000=7000 excess calories. After that binge fest it would take him 10 days of calorie deficit just to break even. Now, before the lot of you trundle off muttering *good GOD, how can anybody ingest 6000 calories a day* Here's a little list from some of our favorite restaurants.

McDonald's French Fries
small: 231 cal.
Med: 380 cal.
Large: 500 cal.

Big Mac: 540 cal.
large coke : 320 cal.

so large fry, large coke, and large french = large person (1360 cal.)
I used to go to chipotle until I found out my chicken burrito with rice, chicken, fresh tomato salsa and cheese totaled a whopping 1240 calories.

1 on the border spicy chicken chimichanga WITHOUT THE SIDES (I hope your sitting down)

One piece of fried chicken.....about 500 calories, not counting sides like mashed potatoes and coleslaw.
Let's not talk about rice. 1 cup 205 calories.
2 Oz. pasta 210 calories
1 CUP pasta sauce prego 180 calories
40z. hamburger 93% lean 230 calories.

1 cup hagen daz ice cream 540 calories
1 Tablespoon of sugar 45 calories.

I will stop now. Let's just say you can be trucking along, trying to eat healthy and your day could end up looking something like this.

1 cup Quaker granola 420 calories
1cup 2% milk 122 calories
1 apple 80 calories

2 cups coffee
4 T sugar 180 calories
4 T half and half 80 calories

2 slices whole wheat bread 200 calories
4 slices ham 120 calories
2 slices cheese 200 calories
1 banana 100 calories

1 to 1.5 cups of rice 250 calories
6 oz. Steak 320 calories
1 cup broccoli 55 calories
1 T butter 100 calories

1 cup ice cream vanilla 280 calories

That my friends was a 2507 calorie day. A woman my height (5'3, at 35 years of age, at 135 lbs) needs about 1350 calories to maintain that weight without exercise. With exercise I can add maybe 300 calories on the day I move...maybe 400. My grand total for any day would be 1600 to 1750 calories a day. If I over ate like that daily (or worse) I would be over consuming by about 800 calories a day. In five days I could gain 1 lb.
Even if you were just 100 calories over, in 35 days, you would gain 1 lb. In one year you would gain 11 lbs. Through the power of CONSISTENT overeating, in 10 years you too could be like me, over 100 lbs overweight.
Here's the rub, it's alot easier to not pay attention and overeat, than to pay attention and under eat. That is why I count my calories and I measure my food, all of it. It isn't hard for anybody to go over their daily allotment. A cup of ice cream here, a bowl of popcorn there, next thing you know, they are fitting you for a pacemaker. So, don't go for the big deficit. Go for the consistent deficit. The one you know you can handle. You will get there, but in the mean time you will be learning portion size, calorie totals and the like. So, whether it's one hundred, five hundred or a thousand, make it consistent.
Yours in consistency ( and occasional boredom)


who are you...really.

Hello all,
Back from memory lane to deal with a specific weight loss subject. Fear of success.
I was reading (as I do daily) Jack's blog. He was discussing his propensity to lose weight and then regain what he lost and then some. "Why?" He wondered. I think Fitcetra hit the proverbial nail on the head. Who am I if not _______? Whatever it is that your fat means to you. For me-it was the friend who listens to others burdens, but rarely shares shared her own, the wife who never complains, the self sacrificing mom who put her kids ahead of everything, even her own health and sanity. The non-threatening woman in every crowd who is the shoulder to cry on, the wallflower who makes wisecracks while hiding the fact that she feels fat and unattractive, so instead aims for matronly.
Who am I when I lose my fat shield. Who am I when I become attractive? Will I be deemed a threat by all the pretty (but insecure) women who used to think of me as a sounding board instead of competition. Not that I am in competition for men, I AM married after all. But some women aren't competing for men, they are competing against everyone and everything to see if they can be the best. What happens when they can no longer keep their feeling of smug superiority? Well, as Merry from a Merry life found out, the claws extend and the cat fights begin.
Except, I have never played that game, even when I was much thinner.
At the time, I had self esteem issues and was very afraid of confrontation (high school and so on) I didn't join in, so they wound up either ignoring me, or simply making snarky comments. I have dealt with many of these self esteem issues. Now, I feel pretty good about myself apart from my weight. I have never been both emotionally and physically healthy, this is uncharted territory. I have never been there and don't have a map. I think alot of people who are losing weight feel the same way.
We have dreams about How It Will Be When I Am Thin. For us it's as hard to fathom as winning the lottery. Many seem to reach goal and realize that while thinner, they aren't any happier. Healthier, yes. Able to do more, absolutely. But things didn't magically morph into a delightful wonderland of candies heels, bikinis and hot dates with Mr. perfect.
They are still in their lives, however they may be. But now they are dealing with people who deal with them differently simply because they lost body fat. It can be at once heady and disheartening. Heady because you were able to succeed, disheartening to find out people really are that shallow. Wonderful cause you are healthier, disorienting because you have to find a new role in the world.
Are you scared because of the number of times you repressed your rage at how you were being treated? The times you covered it over with a smile and people marveled at your 'even-headedness". Do you know deep down that many times you are nicer than you want or ought to be, because you were attempting to compensate for your weight. Did you compromise in your relationships, take less than you ever wanted, because you were afraid to ask for more? As you lose weight, are you judging bigger people because of your own self loathing? Are you afraid that, in the end, you too might be a skinny B*tch?
These thoughts and feelings have often pushed me back into my fat shell. It was too big, it was too much, it was too hard. My husband liking my thinner self had made me both happy and p*ssed beyond belief. I think we want the illusion of a love that is unconditional. Apart from a mother's love, I am not sure it exists. You wouldn't leave your child if they end up promiscuous, but you would leave your husband. Maybe losing fat is like losing your fantasies about how you wished things work. The fantasy that I am a mother earth sort who has endless patience. The type of person who never gets angry or upset. The kind of person who is endlessly understanding. the person who makes self deprecating remarks, who lightens things up, who smooths things over.
To find out who you were wasn't reality, but a pretense you maintained to fit in can be embarrassing if you prided yourself on being up front and real.
The reality is, I ate it. Literally. My self-martyrdom came at a high price. Maybe we are afraid of confronting who we truly are, the relationships as they really are and the emotional toll it costs us to maintain them. Knowing that to stay healthy, we are going to have to tell the truth to ourselves and the people around us. We are going to have to tell our mothers to back off or shut up. We are going to have to deal with that period of time when we were..abused, raped, beaten, left. We are going to have to accept that our husbands are attracted to us not only by our character, but by our physical appearance as well. We are going to have to face off with friends who don't truly wish us well and will attempt to sabotage our success. We are going to have to face ourselves down and realize that our fat is doing something for us, or we wouldn't have it. I don't have all these issues, but I know there are people out there who do. Losing the weight isn't just about the fat, it's about finding out who you truly are. You have to be willing to do that, or you won't succeed. Not only find out who you are but also learn to either love yourself or take the time to fix the parts you don't. I am posting early so don't have my calorie total. Today I weighed in at 228.
I hope everyone is doing well and making progress.


Married to a dream...

Hey all, know it's been two days since I last posted. I have been working pretty hard at things at home, so haven't had a lot of time on the computer.

I was talking to a friend today, when something she said struck me. She said people sometimes get too into the news and should turn it off. , they would find they would be less worried and better able to just focus at home. I agree in principle, but something kept nagging at me. So, I figured I would think it out on my walk. It took me a bit to realise what it was, but when I did I understood why I didn't quite agree.
You see, For years the news was a harbinger of my husband's itinerary. Whenever I was under the mistaken impression that it wasn't, I was usually corrected in short order. I remember one time while we were stationed in Germany, Liberia was being dragged into a civil war. "Not our problem' I thought. We are Europe, I bet 3rd group gets handed that crap bag. Next thing you know my husband is on standby to pull American citizens out of Liberia. You name it, if it went wrong my husband had to be involved. Kosovo, check...Bosnia, check, Iraq, check check check and check. My husband spent at least half of our married life in some other country. Every night, I would sit down and watch the news. Just to see what was happening where he was. I still remember the riots in Grozny, my praying he wasn't there only to find he had been smack in the middle and had a nice little cut on his scalp from a thrown Molotov cocktail for the trouble. Watching the news made me closer to him. My husband and I have a very 'passionate' marriage, we are both passionate people. When it's on, it's on, when it's off there is a loud, brutally truthful fight. We haven't had one of those in three years. We agree on a lot more than we disagree on these days. Even when we were going through a rough patch, and I felt I didn't know him at all. When he was deployed 11 out of 12 months...when he forgot how old our child was, when he was so wrapped up in his work he forgot to call for weeks. I was always proud of what he stood for. Sometimes I wasn't married to a man, I was married to an idea. The idea that you free the oppressed, sometimes at a great personal cost. I was most proud of him when he was gone over Christmas and had to stay in an abandoned slaughterhouse that had been turned into a morgue in Bosnia, where he handed out food and gave vaccines to the local children. No less than three elders offered their daughters to him in marriage. Sometimes the news is all military wives have. You would think I could shake the habit now. My husband has been retired for three years after all. But for me, watching the news is like looking at a scrapbook. Many places for me have faces attached. These are people my husband and my husband's friends have helped. Some of my husband's friends never made it back...some died on the side of the road, doing what they believed in. I still have cousins in the marines, deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. My cousin Gary was in the fight for fallujah, before our president bowed to political pressure and pulled out...at the loss of many lives, and then went back in. I care about politics because the policies our government puts forth not only affects you and me and our country, but the hopes of millions around the world. The rights and privileges we retain because of our military, are not only for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. So we must take care in what we allow our government to do, what laws they pass and what rights they usurp. The veil that separates our country from every other country in the world is a thin one. Evil did not simply appear on September 11th, it was always there. That time the veil was torn and we were treated to the horror and injustice that occurs daily in many parts of the world. For me Our constitution, our liberty is not soaked in unknown blood. For the military, the blood and sacrifice has a face. They are inscribed in our hearts and minds. They didn't just die for their families. They died for our country and our constitution. When I turn on the news and see these faces in Afghanistan, I see Kelly Hornbeck, my husband's former Team Sergeant, who was killed by an IED. I see my cousins Gary and Jeremy. I see my husband and the faces of the wives who would stand in huddles at family support groups, worried, not knowing when their husbands would leave or when they would return, or sometimes,if they would return. I see the people my husband told me about, the Iraqi Christians who are persecuted daily, the translators who are targeted in Iraq after the teams leave. The dog the team had at their safe house, the one my husband wanted to bring home, that was killed because it had been tainted by infidels. You see, I left my childhood home a long time ago. There are bits of me scattered in the places I have lived, and pieces of the people I met are still with me. My home is no longer just one place, it can't be. In that kind of life, you make friends who can become closer than your family, because they know things about you your family will never know. They have sat with you and laughed with you, and cried and waited with you. You can swap stories of how your child called the wrong guy daddy and laugh instead of cry, because you are in it together. These places and people are things you never forget. Once you care about these people and these places, you always care.

So, I did my walk today. 3 miles and 1700 calories. I hope you all had a great day as well.


I hate committees

okay, I did not walk today...why you ask? What could have caused miss 'every day in may' six days a week, walk till you faint puke or die, die-hard excerciser to miss her evening walk??????
A service unit girl scout meeting. I made a commitment to be troop leader for a girls troop this year. I dropped everything, picked up my l ittle green binder (ate dinner early so now I am starving) and drove to the united methodist church, in the hopes that I would listen to someone patter on about something or other and be offered inappropriate food options. Well, I could have even stood that, if SOMEONE HAD BEEN THERE. Apparently, they changed the dates from today to YESTERDAY without informing me. So, I missed my walk for nothing, ate dinner early for nothing and now loathe the service unit leader person.

Rant over.

Onward and upward. I am going to try the gym for the first time tomorrow morning...(cue eery music) I am going to go so that what happened to me tonight doesn't happen on a regular basis, where something comes up and I don't get my work out in. I hate the gym on principle. Wish me luck. My calorie intake has been in the 14 to 1500 range the last two days. I am kind of liking feeling hungry a little as I have never done it before and it is a relatively new feeling for me. I like trying new things. lol.
I went to Michaels and hobby lobby and picked up a few items for girl scouts. I am going to have the girls paint hopes and dreams boxes and put special little items throughout the year. At the end we will do a show and tell. I started homeschooling my sophie. She is in third grade this year. I think it is going to be a good year all told. I hope you all are having a productive day. I gotta get off this computer or I am going to be tired tomorrow morning. Will write something better tomorrow.
have a good day,


Something Real (For jack sh*t) Installment 2

I was looking for a Killers song for my playlist...read my mind (great song by the way, you can listen below) When I stumbled onto a song I hadn't heard in a long time. If you could read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot. I grew up in the late eighties and early nineties. It wasn't like I was born in the seventies, but for some reason I loved folk music. While other kids my age were listening to hair metal, I was listening to America, Gordon lightfoot, and my strange little crush...John Denver. I almost played Colorado Rocky Mountain High for this post, because it's kind of the click that created the paradigm shift I want to talk about in this post. But, I didn't because it's THIS song that I listened to all that summer. I was sixteen years old, It was 1990. I had a part time job as a "tour guide" in a caboose at the Lake station railroad museum. Basically it was an old caboose that sat on the railroad tracks. Lets see if I can find a picture...

I can't believe it...you can find anything....This is it.. where I spent my sixteenth summer. I sat on those steps. I forgot they tore the tracks up to make a 'walking/snowmobile trail". It never panned out, michigan ran out of money... but, anyway...inside is a few pictures, some memorabilia and a picture I drew that is truly heinous. I am better now and am tempted at times to draw another one, sneak in there and replace the picture. I am getting off track.
All that summer I felt restless. It is a very small town, a village really. There aren't alot of young people. Its mostly a retirement area. There aren't many jobs, my mom didn't have a lot of money and I worked alot of odd jobs to buy school clothes and go to the occasional Friday night movie.
Here is the point of this post. I never fit there. From the time I was small, I never liked carharts, I never wanted to camp, get drunk or go muddin' . There isn't anything wrong with any of those things, but they just weren't me. I didn't even fit in with my own family. I thought for a while that I must have been adopted. I loved to read books. I would find books about different places and read about them. i wanted to travel and see the world. I dreamed about the eiffel tower from the time I was ten years old. I used to hold the antennae on our old t.v. (It was the only way you could get the channels in....to actually hold the antennae up with your hand...) and watch Dallas (or the Grammies, and infamously in our family-once Gone with the Wind...talk about TV elbow). When I was twelve, I talked my mom into letting me watch Out of Africa, when I was sixteen...I sat, practically alone, in the local movie theatre and watched Havana with Robert Redford. (The only other person in that theatre was my art teacher Mrs. Thurston, whom I had great respect for) I would sit by the highway and watch cars go by and wonder where they were going. I never felt right there. Then one day, I was walking down the hallway and I heard the song Colorado Rocky mountain High. I had never heard that song before, or even of John Denver. It was the line " I was born in the summer of my 27th year, coming home to a place I'd never been before'. It hit me like a hammer...standing in the hallway of my mom's trailer, it all suddenly made sense. Why I didn't fit there. I wasn't home. This wasn't the place I chose, this had been the result of someone Else's choice. Of course I didn't feel right here, this wasn't my home...I just had to find my home. The rest of that summer, while working in that stupid caboose, I sat on those steps and could almost feel my life coming for me. I was so ready. It took me two more years for things to happen. So here is what I know. Sometimes, through no fault of your own...you are not where you are supposed to be and you are not WHO you are supposed to be. If you have this persistent feeling that you just don't fit, or your life doesn't fit you...it may be because it doesn't. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just in the wrong place. Since that day in the hallway I have been to the Eiffel tower in Paris, and several other countries. I live in....wait for it...Colorado. I am where I am supposed to be. I can go to concerts, art museums and the like. I am still working on the person I should have been, had I had a better childhood. I am getting closer. Your life is the choices you make. Now that you are an adult and in charge you choose. I still love this song.
Hope you guys are choosing the life you want,


Ode to the stomache flu

over the toilet
a woman stands,
Her wretching heard
in distant lands
Thank God she cries....
That dinner was bland
Oh stomach flu, my stomach flu...
three pounds are gone
because of you.


1 lb...100 times

Hey guys,
Tomorrow is my first official day of one pound, one hundred times. Today I weighed in at 230 lbs. My goal weight is 132.4. I started at 262.4. By the time I am done I will have lost 130 lbs. I have lost the first thirty two pounds, so really 97.6 lbs left to go...why my weight loss ticker is reading one hundred, I have no clue. Must be new math. I have eaten 1579 calories today so far. I say so far cause I still have calories I COULD consume but haven't and won't if I don't feel the need. I broke one of my main rules today and am so glad I did....I was jonesing for some chocolate. I didn't want to spend my calories on a candy bar....what to do, what to do. So I remembered that at Starbucks they have these strawberry-banana vivanno smoothies with protein whey powder and I thought "Hey, that would do the trick."...I looked on line for the nutrition info when I saw that they also do banana-chocolate vivanno smoothies for 250 calories, and it had the protein powder, so I would stay full when I was finished. I got it. It was not the chocolate punch I expected, but it was enough. It was very banana-ey and sweet enough. It was also surprisingly filling. It did the trick.

So you might be wondering why I call it one pound, one hundred times. I do that for a few reasons. The first is so I don't get ahead of myself. I find myself running forward in my brain to three and four months from now...I tell myself, I should be such and such a weight, or I will be under two hundred by this time. This is a recipe for failure. I know this from past experience. I begin to question my progress and get frustrated if it doesn't happen fast enough. That is why you will not see big weigh in days for me. I weigh daily. I don't get excited (or I try not to). Every pound I lose, I have only one thought...."This is where I should have been, so no celebrating". I don't think I will even celebrate when I get to goal weight. I think the things I will celebrate won't have a thing to do with numbers. It will be when I run five miles for the first time. It will be when I put a bikini on. It will be when somebody I haven't seen for a while doesn't recognize me. I know that every pound is a victory for me, but it's a Pyrrhic victory. A victory at too high a cost. A victory I don't want to repeat. It reminds meof an alcoholic who gets a one year coin. He looks on it as a victory. but also a reminder. The coin reminds him to not let it happen again. My goal, it's one pound....one hundred times. So far I have lost 2.4 of those pounds. Thirty two since starting. This may get confusing. For me, every day I start over. Every day I get to choose. I don't rest on yesterday or take tomorrow for granted. That way I never get cocky or think I have a handle on it. Every day I am in the fight, and it's a fight for my life. I hope you all had a very good day. Tomorrow is yours, choose well.


What I can do....

okay, so today I got up at nine, did dishes, breakfast, laundry....went to the pioneer museum, walked around for two hours, got home and ate a late lunch and then walked 2.8 miles. There was a time when the thought of this kind of day would have had me making excuses and dodging like a mo-fo. I still made dinner and cleaned up and right now it is 10:30 pm and I am tired. I am only three months into this thing and I am doing more with my kids. When I have down days, or days when I just feel like it isn't worth it, or it isn't making a big enough difference...I can look at today. In another four months maybe I could do all that and then jog five miles.....who knows. I am trying so hard to take this one day at a time...one day I feel invincible. I am on my way, this thing is beat it just isn't gone yet. The next day I am standing in a 7-11 clutching barbecue chips and struggling not to eat everything in sight. It's nuts. Today was an easy day. I just ate what I should with hardly a thought, I walked like i should with hardly a thought. It was just like the days I used to have have when I was eating badly and not exercising. Just reversed. I think I like days like this more even than my pumped up days. Days like this show me that this can be as unconscious a choice after a while as what I used to do. I would hate for it to be hard forever. The idea that this might become natural after a while isn't hard core or rock and roll....but it appeals to me and my relatively low key nature. I need this to feel normal. Especially the exercise. Someday, I hope the very thought of missing a work out makes me as grumpy as missing a meal used to. Someday I hope the thought of having seconds isn't even a thought. I suppose I am saying that someday, I want to be that girl....the one who takes a bite of something and puts it down because it's 'just too rich'...or the girl who does take one hour derv and feels satisfied. The girl who puts on a bathing suit without a thought (you know, the thought that says I may get harpooned....) As soon as I wrote that I heard Jillian Michael's screaming in my mind "self deprecation is useless". It's a defense mechanism, what can I say...anywhoooo. I just want to be thin "naturally'. Now, I am laughing....I don't even know what that means. If you guys know, write and tell me. Well, signing off now. I have to be up at six to drive my daughter to school, first day of tenth grade...of course I had her when I was ten, so am quite young ;0).
Well, only a couple weeks left in Missouri 60. I will take an after picture on September 1rst along with a picture of me in my first goal outfit. I can zip and button everything but there is still some pulling at the pockets and some tightness in the arms of the shirt I don't like. So September first is my last day for my size 20 goal outfit. I started at a 24, so four sizes in three and a half months...not too bad. You all take care.


squeeze time

Hello, I am back.

I have been busy the last few days. Next week I start homeschool with my youngest (3rd grade)and on Thursday of this week, my oldest starts back to school. Holy toledo. They seem to start sooner every year. Next year they will be starting in July. lol. I have also noticed that they seem to need parents to supply office products. This year we were asked for ?copy paper? Dry erase markers for the teachers and lots of other stuff. I think the schools must be feeling the pinch as well. I went clothes shopping with my fifteen year old. No easy task, I tell you. Although it is a bit easier than a few years ago when belly shirts and low riders were in. Now the eighties and all it's hideous acid washed jean loving, plaid shirt wearing, overly zippered fabulosity is back. I am now waiting in silent horror for the quarter back shoulder pads and aqua net super hold hairspray to make their re-appearance. I have an hour glass figure, and quite frankly...the eighties were not my decade. Anything that emphasizes my shoulders, along with baggy pants with PLEATS...not good. I hope by the time I get down to where i want to be, fashion will have progressed to a better decade for the short waisted among us. For those of you who have forgotten here is the new interpretation of the old theme, italy 2008:

As you can see, unless (and even if, as is the unfortunate case in the first picture on the left) you are six foot tall and 120 lbs....nobody can rock skin tight shiny lycra pants. If they can make a super model look porky, what will they do to you.
I rest my case.
Here's to the death of shiny synthetic fabric, high waisted pants, shoulder pads and frontal pleats...onward and upward I say. I walked 3 miles, and ate 1730 calories. I hope everyone had an excellent and lycra free day.


The psychology of weight loss

aaahhhh,,,,here comes that feeling again.
Hey all, I have lost 32 lbs so far. Fantastic right? You would think so. On a cerebral level, I am ecstatic. I feel better, have more energy (or had), I can do more during the day.

However, I hit thirty pounds about a week ago, and since then I have had, in my gut, a persistent feeling of dread. A feeling of impending doom. I am a big believer in intuition so thought something bad was about to happen. I have been "hungry" for the last week. I have "tired"...feeling "too tired" to walk. (I have eaten right and walked anyway) What has changed? NOTHING. This is where I have always quit before. I have a feeling of dread, I am tired, I am hungry, what's the point, I feel fine now that I have lost some weight etc.

This is where psychological warfare begins, with myself. It was so sneaky this time. Usually I quit easier and so never run into these persistant thoughts about food. This is my fear of losing weight and being vulnerable, being seen. It has lodged in my gut and in my subconscious. It is my subconscious mind attempting to undermine my conscious efforts. That sounds crazy, but this is exactly why I do what I hate (as paul would say). I have a programming in My subconscious mind that keeps me fat. There is a reason I am fat. It isn't because, consciously I want to be...but somewhere along the way, my subconcious has convinced me that my fat is keeping me safe . It keeps me invisible. I am slowly becoming visible, and I know consciously that this is what I want. Subconsciously, all hell is breaking loose.
I need new programming. I am going to keep going, today is my three mile walk and my whole body hurts. I think it's mental, not physical. I have got to reprogram myself. So, I need, over a period of time... Good associations with being healthier, with being thin. When I was young, I was thin. My associations with that period of time was physical, emotional and in one particularly damaging instance, sexual abuse. This person called me his "petite princess'. It wasn't as bad of an experience as it could have been, but it was bad enough. Just touching. I didn't want to be anyone's petite princess, or victim ever again, and so I began to gain weight.

I know in my heart of hearts there is only one way to psychologically overcome this for me. That is to become a rather tough, scary individual. To make up for my missing wall of fat, I am going to have to be able to fend someone off by hand. No, I am not kidding. I don't want to harm anybody, I just want to have the knowledge and physical ability to be able to eliminate any form of threat with just my body alone. I won't use a gun because I have children in the house and just can't, whenever someone I know has had one around, it's all I can think about, I can't live that way . (I am a card carrying member of the NRA, I just don't have a gun lol.) So, hand to hand it is.
Right now I feel vulnerable because for the next six to eight months I am not fit enough to really protect myself, and I am not fat enough to be invisible. Tricky. I do have a push knife that I take with me on walks. I know this sounds paranoid to people, but it is just the truth. There is only so much you can get rid of mentally. The rest of recovery takes time and reprogramming. I will get better about weight as time goes on and collect good associations, but I have to get there. It's kind of like being terrified of heights and the only way you are going to overcome your fear of heights is to climb mount everest. So, that is why every pound is a victory for me. When someone loses a half pound and I congratulate them I truly mean it. For some of us, this is the most terrifying thing we will ever do. I wish you all luck and to stay mentally conscious of your thoughts and feelings, and to analyze them, hold them up against reality. This can be mentally exhausting but is necessary for you if you are going to keep going.
hugs and God bless,


Feeling lumpy.....

Hey all,
Well, I stuck to my eating plan today and I walked 2.8 miles. I don't know why but sometimes that walk feels easy and other days it feels hard. Today was a hard one. It was very hot, so that might have been part of it. I did it in about 50 minutes. I am trying to go faster, but my legs won't cooperate.
I have also noticed that while I continue to lose weight, I seem to be losing it in weird chunks. Looking at my thighs in the mirror, it looks like I lose a glob here and there. It's a little strange looking and I hope it evens out soon.

Okay, now I just want to blog about my little brother's new car. This is not my older not dead brother, but my little 'greatest person in the world' brother, little duane, or as I call him- pookie. If he reads my blog, I have just pissed him off ( I am the only one who calls him pookie, it's that or the other name....so pook it is) . So anyway, pook just got a new car and I am in full blown car envy. I am originally from Michigan and as such (if you didn't know) I must love cars. I don't mean honda civics or even my well designed, but quite boring, nissan quest mini van.

I mean muscle cars. My lucky little brother has purchased a new mustang....

Beautiful isn't it.....

If I haven't said it lately, I am so proud of him...he has really done a lot with his life. This car is the result of fiscal responsibility and hard work. No one deserves it more.

I'm going to HAVE to go to Vegas now just to get a ride....he's going old school. He is going to deck it out with flat black racing strips, new hood and spoiler, both in flat black...and new rims in flat black with five spoke rims. I asked if you could fit kids in the back. He said "yeah, but they would have to be small"....I am doing a form of chinese body binding on my fifteen year old as we speak.
Hope you all have kept to your own programs and are doing well.
Keep up the good work...
vroom...vrooommmmm....I wish..
oh well,


Last month of missouri 60...

I have been doing Missouri 60 for a little over a month now. I started on july 1rst at 249, and currently I weigh in around 235. I still have the rest of this month to go, September 1rst is my last day, I will weigh in and have my friend take another picture. I will wear the same clothes I wore before. I have been really on target food wise. I even bought pizza for my family, and while they ate it I took a walk, then made myself turkey tacos for dinner. I can honestly say that the pizza didn't bother me. I also knew that I had pizza fixings for this coming friday in the fridge to include a whole grain crust, reduced fat cheese and turkey pepperoni. So, I have some pizza coming. I have eaten my weight in squash this week. I get on these kicks. I love squash. I take a little bit of olive oil spray, I cut the squash and zuchini into thin strips and sprinkle them with onion and garlic powder, bake at 530 degrees until they crisp up and then chow down. My friend gave me two huge yellow squash from her mom's garden, so I am in squash heaven. I have been getting the majority of my veggies that way.
The new trail I tried a few posts ago, the hilly one on post...I have made that a part of my regular walking routine. I go twice a week. Today I got a spiffy pedometer that told me how long my walk was. It is a total of 2.8 hilly miles, I really appreciated knowing. Next month I am going to start going to the gym twice a week so that I can switch up my cardio a bit. Today makes a total of three months since I decided to change my life. Tommorrow starts month four. I think when You decide to change your life, You always remember the day. Hope everyone is doing great, whatever your plans.


Something Real (for jack sh*t)

I was reading Jack Sh*ts blog the other day and he wrote something I found interesting...(Of course I find most things he writes interesting) anywhooo....He wrote, "Write about what you know, because even if you think everyone knows it, they may not."
I am paraphrasing.
So, In that spirit, I thought I would write something real. I am going to tell you something I know, something that keeps me together now, and kept my mind straight through a pretty horrific childhood and some tough times later.

I am going to write about my older brother. My older brother is not one of 'those people'. You know, fonts of wisdom who live lives full of purpose. My brother is truly the product of a dysfunctional home. But, He is a truth teller, he is loyal to those he loves, and he is a person who knows sh*t from sh*nola. He was also the key to my escape from a truly crappy childhood...not physically, but mentally. My childhood was three years behind his. In essence, He got alot more of the bad years than I did. Oh, I was there for them, but he was more cognizant, if you catch my meaning. He was also first up whenever the Shit Hit The Fan. I rarely, if ever, saw him cry. There were times I cried for him.

Anyway, back to the one thing, the most important thing, I have ever learned.

It was the last day of third grade, and I got off the bus. I was very excited because I had 'passed' third grade. I had all A's and B's. I wanted to show off my report card because Mrs. Shelander (Yes, I still remember her name) had wrote on it; "Chrissie is an exceptional student, and she'll do well in fourth grade.". I ran up to Duane, my mom's second husband, and said "Look, I passed and I got A's." He looked up at me and said: "I don't know how, you're so stupid." Then he went back to raking.
I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, or that I had heard him wrong. I just stood there. Then I started crying, and turned and walked into our trailer. My big brother was sitting on the couch. He got up and came over. I told him what Duane had said. Rollie said, "Is that why your crying?" I said, "Yes." Rollie said, "Did you believe him?" I said "No". He said "Then why are you crying?" I said, "I wanted him to be proud of me." He said, "Are you proud of you?" I said "Yes'.
Rollie then said (and listen real close cause this is it,and I have never forgotten it) He said: "Opinions are like *ssholes, everyone has one...what's most important isn't what someone else thinks...it's what you know. Do you know your smart?" "Yes" said I. "Well then, that's all that matters. F*ck him."
Of all the things I have learned, that lesson I learned from him is the most important. It isn't what other people THINK, it isn't even what you THINK...It's what you KNOW.
Whatever else you do in this life, know what's true. Get a north star and don't let other people and their 'opinions' shake you. Deep down, I knew I was smart. Whatever he thought, I knew. My grandmother took to calling me a b*stard when she was upset with me, because I was born out of wedlock. I was twelve years old, but I finally looked her dead in the eye and told her "There are no illegitimate children, just illegitimate parents." (I had read this not two months prior in a Bartlett's quotation book, it stuck cause she used to throw this at me quite a bit) It shut her down quick. She apologized ten minutes later. It worked because She realized that I wasn't ashamed, because I had nothing to be ashamed of. Some people will thrive on your shame and your pain. Never accept the blame for what you didn't do, and never be ashamed for what isn't true.

Deep down I knew that whatever the circumstances of my conception and birth, I was no accident. I knew there was a God. I knew what God called me, and it wasn't 'bastard', and it certainly wasn't stupid. I was a child of the most high God, planned from the foundations of the earth. Every hair on my head is numbered and my name is written in the palm of his hand. This is my truth. No man's opinion can change that. Not only do I believe that about me, I believe that about you too. Know what's true, and nobody and nothing will shake you. That is what I know.
Have a great night,