so long whimsy....a very serious post...

I wasn't going to blog tonight but some things I have read today have tripped my trigger.
pushed my buttons.
pulled my lever.
cranked my handle.

The topic:
and so let's define this phenomena:
To Quit:
To stop trying, struggling, or the like; 
To accept or acknowledge defeat.
You know
I used to feel defeated before I ever started.
Every attempt was either half hearted or based on magical thinking (aka atkins or the grapfruit diet).
Jack asked on his blog today "Did we ever feel like quitting?"
He said, "Not today."
I say Quitting is not an option.
I dropped it as an option May 4th, 2009.
I think people view quitting "weight loss" in the hazy sense.
In the "Oh I am sick of depriving myself of tasty foods" or
"It's just too much". Or
I deserve to live a little".
Not, "I am quitting on myself, on my potential, on who I could be if I had faith."
I think If people said;
"I am going to quit living healthy, I don't have what it takes...I will always be less than I wish to be.
I accept and acknowledge my defeat."
If they said that out loud, I wonder...
I wonder how many people would quit then?
Go ahead.
Say it.
I accept and acknowledge defeat.
The inner soul revolts, deosn't it?
Because really.
You accept and acknowledge defeat so you can have a cheeseburger?
You accept and acknowledge that you will never live up to your full potential because you don't want to do 30 minutes of walking?
You accept and acknowledge you are cutting years off your life?!
You are willing to lay down and QUIT!!!!
For what?
For some trans fat and sugar?

What's harder?
Watching what you eat and exercising?
Living every day with the knowledge of what you could have been, what you could have done, and what you COULD HAVE HAD....
You didn't start this journey to quit. 
 Say you decide to quit: 
Just know this...
If you hadn't accepted and acknowledged defeat. 
If you hadn't decided that food was more important to you than living a full life.
You could have been the kind of person you always admired.
Don't live your life with could have beens.
Someday we are all going to shuffle off into eternity.
When you are lying on your death bed, do you want to look back on your life knowing you gave it everything you had?
Or do you want to know that you spent half your life limping along, too afraid to put your heart into something?
I answered that question.
No way in hell am I settling for half a life.  
Tick tock tick tock.
I only have so much time.
So does everyone reading this.
It is my goal to live it till I can't squeeze another drop of living out of it.
I am lucky enough to have today.
I hope to be lucky enough to have tomorrow.
Another day to live up to every ounce of potential God gave me.
I bought an exacto knife and a drawing pad today.
I am tired of half assing my art.
I do have a gift.
What is your gift?
What are you afraid of sharing.
What are you afraid of?
Are you afraid of being more powerful than you ever imagined?
More capable?
More talented?
More able?
Go out and get it.
Time waits for no one.
I am starting back to drawing again.
I will post my plan tomorrow for weight loss tomorrow.
My art I will post later in the month. 
Have a great night guys.


Half year report....

Howdy folks...back from fiction land to make a report on my health and wellness.
I started the year at 188 lbs.
I am sitting at 155 lbs. (actually a smidge below..but since I have an analogue I round up)
So, I dropped 33 lbs so far this year.
I lost 2 lbs this month, which..while not stellar and considering vacation and the fact that I only lost 3 pounds going full bore the previous month...isn't too bad.
I will be 152 by the end of July.
I already have my whole plan worked out for July, so I will post that on July 1rst...
I am taking tomorrow off.
I am going to the park with my kids and then taking the rest of the day to lie like a rug, veg like broccoli.
I am going to be signing up for kickboxing classes, so my exercise is about to be kicked up a notch.
I am probably going to 86 most of my walking.
I will be going to the gym 3 days a week and kickboxing 2 days a week.
I will be getting my bike fixed..
and look at me...blabbing already about all my plans...
will talk about that on Thursday...
I won't be blogging tomorrow...
I will be vegging.
The kids and I will be going to the park..then after I am going to my favorite place in the whole wide world...Barnes and nobles.
So have a great wednesday.
Enjoy the last day of the first half of the year.
See you on the flip side.


Fictional Men I'd do.....or the plastic joy award.

So after I begged was awarded the plastic Joy award from fellow blogger Robin over at Your daily dose....I thought I would post for your perusal, my five fictional (well four fictional...one historical) crushes that I would drop trou for.
So, following Robin's example, I posted videos.
I only have five....but they are some good ones. I will explain each one.

Kyle reese
My first huge crush. I was 14 at the time I watched this, terminator had been out for a while but I had never seen it. I despaired of ever finding a guy that I could like, let alone sleep with. There was NO ONE in my school that even remotely got me going. So there I am, sitting at my mom's boyfriend's house with his daughter and two large dobermans when who should appear but Kyle reese. I thought "Hey, he's cute!" when he dropped out of the sky.
About the time he broke into the store and ripped off some clothes, stole a shotgun, sawed it off and tethered it to his arm....Well, I was in love.
I knew I had found "my type'.
When he told Sara he had saved himself for her....um, swoon...and then when they went at it on the fridge...best.sex.ever.
Just sayin.

The last samurai...ken watanabi.
 I know, I know..Tom Cruise was in this movie...Tom cruise of the greasy, long hair.
 No thanks.
I'll Take Ken. His quietness, his skill with a sword, his Honor.
There is nothing more sexy than a man with integrity and honor...and he gives great face.
As you can see, I dig soldiers.

Sonny Corinthos
Um, He has honor too...just a different kind. Also he loooooooves to touch and be touched. He is very sensual.
He treats ladies like ladies. Always. He is a gentleman in his own way. He also takes care of business....let's put it this way, I wouldn't have to defend him in a street brawl, or calm him down.
Very nice.

Steven Earl Johnson
 Pool Hustler and former Merchant marine and all around good guy. Loyal almost to a fault. Also tough with a tender heart. And a guy who can rock a mullet. And his jeans...but mostly I think, it's his voice...mmmmmmhmmmmmmm.

Joshua Chamberlain
I realize I am kind of breaking the rules here...but he WAS a character in a  movie and when he breaks out his brass balls and and tells his men they are going to charge down that hill and then yells bayonets. Well, let's just put it this way, I would make sure he had a comfy bed to come home to. I love you joshua. lol.

You all may be wondering where on earth is Christian Bale...I never really fell in love with Christian Bales characters...I just like him. lol.


Well, that is all....My fictional crushes...How's that for whimsy? lol.
(Even though all my dudes are fairly intense.)
have a great night folks.
Talk at you later....


mental toughness... principles meet reality

Hey all...
so great, I was all it. Knew who I was.
Knew what I wanted...
what happened?
How did I become 262 lbs if I was so happy with who I was.
I forgot the human part of the equation.
What happens to most of us I suppose.
If we know what we want and who we are, but then are forced to live a life opposite of what we had supposed ourselves to be.
We have A dichotomy.
I met my husband..whom I loved.
I swore I would never marry an alcoholic.
I married an alcoholic.
I didn't know I had when I did it.
I then got pregnant right out of the starting gate of our marriage..
on Our wedding night.
So, I had many principles, and I didn't stop to think they might cause problems down the road.
Some of these principles were:
1.)I would NEVER STAY in a bad relationship.
2.) My kids would all have the same father.
3.)I would only divorce someone if they beat me or cheated. (this one saved our marriage.)

I had never prioritized my principles...but when the going got tough they got clarified.
My marriage was never bad enough to meet the two criteria in number three.
He never did either.
he stayed away alot.
He drank alot.
He was self absorbed alot.
But he had his good moments.
We had our good moments.
The thing was, when It came down to brass tacks. I was willing to accept a less then stellar marriage to keep my kids in an intact household.
At that point you are swimming in grey area.
You begin to do all kinds of things to make the trade offs okay.
You ignore it.
You find other ways to get your emotional needs met.
I ate.
Also, I was very young and immature.
I didn't know how to express what I wanted.
so I didn't say anything.
And it built up and I pushed it down.
build and push
build and push.
At the age of thirty my hair started going grey.
I still have the gray hair.
I had to learn how to express what I wanted.
That came about after a series of very bad upsets, my husband gone to war, a family member diagnosed with a terminal illness, a miscarriage.
I had reached the end of my coping mechanisms.
I went to las vegas for four days for a wedding.
Instead of enjoying myself, I locked myself in my hotel room after the wedding and ordered a large pizza , chips and dip and a 2 liter of soda and ate till I almost threw up.
On my trip back home through utah, I realized something had to give.
I had to put down my God complex. The one that said I had to be everyone's rock and shelter.
I had to put myself up there on the list of priorities.
I had to give up the notion that I was doing others a favor by living a lie.
I had to tell him, and everyone else..exactly what kind of relationships I wanted.
Here is where that fear comes in.
I was left alot as a child.
My biological father left before I was born.
my mother told me that my older brother was her favorite.
My grandma called me a bastard.
Duane, my mom's second husband (who I THOUGHT was my biological father) had his new wife tell me one day that I wasn't his so I should stop trying to come over and talk to him.
I thought (wrongly) that there was something inherently unlovable about me.
I knew God loved me...but people, not so much...
So, with my husband I thought it best not to push too much. That was why I was always so strong and steady. I didn't want to let him know I needed anything.
I was afraid. Afraid if I became too much of a burden, he would get tired of me and leave.
Then I had my kids.
They loved me.
I loved them.
Then I knew that I was lovable..that not just God loved me, but that other people could love me too.
I made a few very good friends.
They liked me.
I realized that I was being treated the way I was being treated because I was allowing it.
So I drew the line.
I was scared when I did that.
But you know what?
It's better to know if you are really loved, then to spend your life guessing.
Cause when you do that you are giving up any chance of ever finding someone who WILL love you.
So I gave him his pass to freedom.
"If you want to leave, then go. I am nobody's second choice. Nobody's burden.
You can take all the money, the house, and I'll take the kids...who you can see whenever you would like. I won't ask for half of your retirement. Nothing. No bitterness, you are free to go."
He said "I love you, I don't want to be free to go."
Then I knew.
I didn't have to guess.
I started making some demands of my own.
This is an example of mental toughness.
You can have principles that conflict, and you'll have to work through those.
But know what you will and won't put up with.
Know what is important to you.
It will help you get through the times when you want to quit.
I could live with a difficult marriage if that person loved me and I loved them.
But a marriage where there was no love or respect.
NO Way.
In the last four years my marriage has gotten so much better that I KNOW God's hand is in it.
Set your priorities.
Now...to weight loss...how does this translate.
Well, I think that huge victory in the area of my marriage set me up for victory in my weight loss.
Here was my mind set after the day I woke up...after I had spent the night crying and then woke up the next morning.
Let go of your expectations for amounts of weight lost.
I was so desperate, or focused...or whatever it is you need to call it...
That I said.
I will cap my calories at 1800 and walk every day.
(It became cap my calories at 1500 and do one hour of exercise every day for six days a week.)
Not.."I want to drop thus and such pounds before bikini season."
I did what I should and let my body take care of the rest.
I was willing to never lose a pound, just to KNOW I had control over what I ate and how I moved my body, it was enough.

That is why you don't see a weight loss bar on the side of my blog.
I didn't want to feel like I was in some sort of a competition.
I still don't.
I am okay with three pounds a month.
It's for life.
When You start, that's it.
It's for life.
Not for summer,
not for a family reunion.

for life.

So, whether you lose 1 lb a week on the way you have chosen to eat and exercise...or 3 lbs a week. It doesn't change anything.
Don't do anything you couldn't do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
That is my best piece of advice.
If I had to eat 1500 calories with two or three higher calorie days a month FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...well, I can do that.
If I have to exercise an hour a day six days a week for the rest of my life, then I can do that too.
Where that puts me weight wise, I guess I'll find out.
I am betting it puts me about 130 lbs (according to my calculations) and that is good enough for me.
But if I stopped right here at 155...FINE.
I will still eat this way and exercise this way.
Because I know why I am doing this.
So that i can live the rest of my life knowing I did my best.
I followed through.
I loved MYSELF.
Know why you are doing it.
Find a way of eating and moving you can live with for the rest of your life.
And then DO IT.
That's how you do it.
As simple and as hard.
Well, I am wiped out.
I Did my walk today and it's back to the gym tomorrow.
Have a great night guys.


acquiring mental toughness..

It can be done.
Morgan from kicking my trash asked me how I conquered mental roadblocks.
I stated when I wrote back that It started 15 years ago.
I take that back.
It started when I was a kid.
They say the whole person has three parts.
mental, physical and spiritual.
Alot of people attempt to skip the spiritual on their way to wellness.
It is my belief that this will ultimately lead to failure.
It's a three legged stool.
Take away one leg, the stool falls over.
Here is my secret weapon.
I know who I am.
the problem comes when you forget or never knew in the first place.
A big clue that something isn't right upstairs is your inner dialogue.
What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake.
How do you allow other people to treat you.
How do you treat others, and do you expect less than you should.
IF the answer to these questions is negative.
If you call yourself names, expect less and even believe you deserve less.
Then you probably have some things to work out mentally and spiritually.
You can also fall into these kinds of messes.
You can be okay when you are younger. You can like yourself, have very high self esteem...and then stumble into an abusive relationship.
Emerging years later as someone you don't recognize.
Abusers are good at their jobs.
They don't start out whacking you around. They start out by undermining your confidence in your own abilities and choices.
They isolate you.
They criticize you, at first subtly...and then overtly.
They ridicule you and deride you in front of others.
until you begin to believe them.
When you finally wake up...they apologize and play the victim....telling you how sorry they are, how much they need you.
They usually play some form of the 'you are the only one I have ever loved, the only one who understands me" game.
You believe them.
You take them back...
unless you break free.
So, your problems could stem from childhood or your recent past.
The first step in getting better is knowing who you are apart from your roles in other peoples lives.
What do you believe about this world and your place in it.
That is what I solidified when I was young.

I am:
The daughter of the most high God.
What does that mean.
It means I was planned from the foundations of the earth.
That means I am special and have a purpose.
No beating could take that knowledge away.
Jerkface didn't know who he was messing with.
I knew what my true father thought of me, and what he expected.
I had a whole book on how to relate to my environment.
I started believing at the age of 5 and haven't quit yet.
So, Whether you are a christian, or a muslim or a buddhist or an atheist practicing morality on a humanistic basis.
Know what you believe, what you will or won't accept, and what you want your life to be about.
I also read alot of self help books.
The best self help book I have read that will help you answer the questions above is actually the seven habits of highly effective people by stephen covey, a practicing mormon.
It's the most effective and efficient way of getting on paper, just exactly what you believe.
There is not shortcut to fixing your mental issues.
it takes hard work and patience.
fix the head and the rest follows.
Tomorrow I will talk about what I did with the knowledge I had acquired in my youth in the years my weight spiraled out of control.


What it all means...

that's quite the title.
Before I go any further I would like to thank Carla a.k.a Mizfit again, for allowing me to express myself to new people.
Thank you Carla.

I was asked what the reactions to my weight loss were when I went home.
They were very nice and kind.
Lots of wows! and you look fantastics!
It was nice.
But as I am sure other people have run into...it wasn't what I expected.
I expected to feel validated.
or something.
But when I felt the same. I realized every bit of validation I needed I had already given myself.
I don't feel like a fat person in a thin persons body.
I feel thin and healthy.
I see myself as thin and healthy.
They were telling me things I already knew.
Almost like they were saying...Hey, you have brown eyes.
I think my warped brain has been cured.
I am not surprised by mirrors or my reflection in windows.
It's my new normal.
My life did not suddenly transform into a wonderland here-to-fore limited only to the thin among us.
It's the same..I'm just thinner and able to do more.
I go to the park.
I go swimming in a bathing suit..
(bought one at kohls and wore it at not only a relatives house, but at the pool on post two days ago.)
I felt completely normal in my bathing suit.
I didn't pull at it.
I like it.
The best part of all this is:
I feel normal.
I get flirted with.
I get stared at by men in other cars at lights, they smile or wave...I move on.
But after a while that's just a part of it all...and I am glad I am married.
Because quite frankly...
WHAT the h*ll happened to the men?
Just a question.
Stop wearing your pants around your ankles...and you aren't 16 so flip the lid around dork.
okay, mini rant done.
What does it all mean, this weight loss journey.
I am nearing completion.
My weight is coming off at a crawl but I am near 'normal'.
After that it's vanity weight.
I feel great daily.
The feeling of being tired and grossly out of place is long gone.
It means I am free.
There is no physical impediment in my way.
I can accomplish, physically, anything I really want to.
(Well apart from professional basketball, I'm no spud webb)
I have given myself a chance at a long healthy life.
I know I am capable of very difficult things.
I know that to accomplish big things...you sometimes just have to leap.
don't hem and haw.
Don't think too mUch.
Start by doing.
Let the rest follow.
Have a great night all.
For the next night or two I am going to bring back my playlist.
Just some stuff that reminds my of my teenage years.
How I felt back then hanging out and cruising with my friends.
Going back to where I grew up brought up all sorts of memories, and for the first time...most were good.
Have a great night guys.


Who I am now and Where I'll be tomorrow.

Hey all,
For some reason I have been digging the blog awards lately.
Maybe it's because my mind is going in so many different directions, but I am liking these things.
I recieved the oh my blog award a while back...and talked about my most embarrassing moment.
So the rules are I have to get excited...
then pick one of a number of options which I won't list now.
I am a rebel without a clue and rules are made to be broken..
so, I am breaking them.
I will write a soundtrack of the life I have chosen..
How's that.
As I get older I realize more and more that dwelling on things we didn't have any control over is a major stumbling block to progress, AND to becoming the person you want to be.
So, If you are going to Dig it up...
Do it...
Then deal with it.
Then bury it.
And never dig it up again.
Kill it dead...deader than dead...finish it.
The first part of my journey would be kind of Kelly clarksonish...

I spent my teen years moving away. I never let anybody inside my iron curtain.
I watched my mom take too much crap to give my whole heart to anyone.
I kept myself apart.
I dropped my iron curtain after the birth of second daughter.
I loved my oldest...her only with my whole heart.
But just knew because I loved her I would lose her and accepted that....
I knew nothing good could stay.
My husband I kept outside the inner heart.
only so far, no further.
I 'knew' better.
With my second daughter...who was born on July 14th, 2001.
I spent days just staring at her.
Then september 11th happened and I realized that the only thing that mattered was love.
we will all die.
So why waste time not loving.
Now, when I left home I also felt a bit kelly clarksonish..along with a bit of prince...
but mostly this...

Then I met my husband....
and it felt kind of like this...

And in the last four years has turned into this;

And then I had my children
And it felt just like this;

And now for the most important piece of this puzzle...
And he has been my linchpin from the time I could understand that there was something bigger than me.

It's always how I have felt about God.
This song is my relationship in a nutshell. I talk to him like I'd talk to my best friend.
well...that's pretty much it.
Tomorrow I have a guest post..so won't be posting here.
It's my first guest post talking about my 100 lbs lost and what I wanted to say about it.
It's at Mizfit.
Hugs to you all.
Have a great night.


Home is where the heart is...

Hi all,
Well, I think I will talk about my time at my mom's house.
Going "home" means different things to different people.
My home up till the age of 12 was complete crap.
After 12 it was poor but fairly happy.

I felt nothing.
It was like going to visit, not like going home.
I was actually a little disturbed by the sheer lack of anything emotional.
I enjoyed visiting with the PEOPLE but the place?
left me cold.
My home is Colorado.
I got a couple of jogs in...I ate fairly well (except for the last day there)
I realized something.
I walked around the property, I remembered where we used to have things...
chicken coop.
pig pen.
All gone now.
Most of those things had bad memories connected to them.
My mom is older.
Everything has changed.
I have changed.
I used to have this little ball of fear in my chest.
A feeling of incompetence, of lack.
I didn't feel that this time.
Not at my in laws house, not at home.
It's like when I finally faced everything that was done to me, everything I allowed to hold me back, and all the demons that have been doing jumping jacks in my psyche for the past 30 years...the fear released me.
Or I released the fear.
And I finally realized that many other people have a little ball of fear they carry inside them.
Things they don't want to face, or talk about, or fix.
And I can't make them face things.
Or release things.
all I can do is love them where they are.
I didn't have a single conflict with anyone.
Not my mother in law.
Not my big brother who is a white supremacist.
Although sitting through that whole spiel on how Hitler's book would have made more sense in german was funny. My husband and I have read mein kampf...it doesn't make sense in English and fares no better in german..Because it is absolute nonsense.
You might wonder what there is to talk about with someone who is sooo diametrically opposed to everything I believe in, well...
We talked about nature.
We talked about childhood.
We talked about his plans for the future.
It was good enough.
I think the reason he is like this is because of his time in prison.
It wasn't a good experience.
I didn't get edgy about my mom and her need for absolute household sterility.
I didn't talk about things that would push buttons.
I didn't force my opinion.
I didn't need to.
I used to think it was my job to go around informing others of my take on reality.
This time, I didn't expect others to be miniature versions of me.
And most of all, I didn't try to be what I thought others wanted me to be.
I was myself.
So I enjoyed myself at home.
That was great.
Then I took a walk along the tracks to my old stomping grounds..
The horse barn at the Y.
I worked there over the course of five years during the summer.
I hopped the fence.
yes, I trespassed.
Luckily, the people who work there are mostly hippies for whom the concept of private property is relative...
The girl who runs the barn put down her guitar and took me back to see the horses.
There was STILL a horse there that I knew 20 years ago.
i couldn't believe it.
I broke that horse.
His name was oreo and he was a pony.
Back in the day he was black and white and had a trot that felt like you were riding a stiff plank.
Now he is all silver and still looking good.
When I hopped the fence back to where the railroad tracks, that's when it hit me and I almost started crying.
That was what I missed.
That camp was where I had all my fun and learned most of my important lessons.
It's where I learned to be a grownup.
Any positive feelings I had as a teenager emanated from that place.
We would sit around the campfire at night and sing songs while Jake played the guitar.
I walked back to my Mom's house.
But home for me back then was the barn.
Home for me now Is here in Colorado.
I went back and got through it.
I didn't fall off the wagon.
I was afraid being back there would resurrect the old Chris.
But it didn't.
She's gone.
I took the best parts of me and made them stronger.
The worst parts and burned them.
Someone asked me..
I think it was Julie.
Did you just decide one day to lose weight?

I did.

Have I always been this way, make a decisions and stick to it?
I think so.
But we are all this way.
We decide every day.
Some decisions are decisions with no escape clause.
Having kids.
No escape clause.

Well, you can make getting healthy that kind of a decision.
That is the truly beautiful thing about life.
One day, you can wake up and decide to change your life.
I did it at 18 when I left home and found the life I wanted.
I met my husband and five months later, we were married.
Married now 17 years.
At 19 when I had my daughter.
at 28 when I had my second.
At 35 When I decided I was too Good of a person to remain fat and miserable for the rest of my life.



tripalogue part deux-or the importance of controlling your environment

Hey all,
So we left off with our drive out.
Now we are at my in laws house in Ohio.
I think I did something fairly heinous which was inadvertantly delete all my vacation photos...fun.
hmmm...I made a slideshow with 20 pictures and I think I can get them (some of them) back..but it will take time.
so pictures will have to wait for now...which kind of stinks..but I won't dwell.
My mother in law did a ton of picture taking.

My mother in laws house is a very open and welcoming house.
It is also loaded with all kinds of treats and goodies.
The area is not conducive to exercise.
It would have been different if I had actually lived there or something.
I would have a gym membership.
But I don't, so I didn't.
I wound up jogging every day I was there.
I also wound up saying no to nearly every meal.
I went and bought my own food, even though 'healthy' food had been purchased.
The first night I was there was beef spare ribs with bar b que sauce and mashed potatoes and corn.
I had to say no to all of it..
I got..."corn is a vegetable".

No, it's not...corn is a starch.
I didn't say that...I just kind of moved on.
It's just a different way of thinking.
I am used to delineating between starches, veggies, protiens and thinking of food as fuel, not a treat.
It's a strange mindset to many people.
I can't tell you how important it is to control your environment.
I held it together for the three days I was there.
It was hard.
You see, I don't keep candy bars...I don't eat chips.
I don't have Ice cream sitting in my freezers.
I set myself up for success.
I keep my area clean.
I keep good food in eyesight.
I don't buy fast food, order pizza, or eat out every other night.
I set rules for consumption.
A good breakfast full of protien (eggs and/or yogurt) and a starch, either a fruit or a whole grain. two cups of coffee, Lunch can have more starchy stuff...but dinner is protein (lean) and veggies..No more than 1500 calories,and I try for 3 cups of vegetables a day. No sugar except for in my coffee etc.
Yes, I am free to choose...within my constraints.
not an option.
one hour a day, 6 days a week minimum.
I was thrown out of my comfort zone.
I enjoyed visiting with my in laws...I am glad my kids got to see their grandparents.
I also got to see what living a healthy life may avoid in the future.
I have no garantees, but i am glad I started.
If I lived there, here is how I would convert the atmosphere.
sugared snacks.
candy bars
ice cream
white bread
chocolate covered anything
full fat cheese
(except for tenderloin, an excellent choice)
white flour anything.

Replaced with
Whole GRAINS Not whole wheat
veggies...green ones
all kinds of vegetables
you name it.
fresh fruit
all kinds
2 percent dairy or less
granola bars

And I would invest in a good gym membership.
The roads I jogged on...No shoulder whatsoever..
So everytime I got passed by some hillbilly who had never seen a jogger before,
they would beeeeep and yell...get off tha roaaaad...
I would yell..
get off your fat @ss and take a jog.
It was all good.
Did I mention that it was like 90 and 80 percent humidity..
It was so hot my gum melted IN THE HOUSE.

Tomorrow I will talk about my mom's house.
Hope you all had a great night. I know I did.
I got to the gym. Did 55 minutes on the elliptical and then 13 minutes on the stairstepper.
I did 140 situps and my upper body weights which include:
lower back extensions 3x12 40 lbs
tricep extensions 3x15 60 lbs
flys 3x12 40 lbs
lat pulls 3x15 40 lbs
That's it.

I ate 1470 calories today and burned 700 calories
That would be a 780 calorie deficit.


My trip...the first three days with pictures.

Your blogger in Illinois....

Sophie in Kansas on our first day driving...Her head is obscuring a house that had BLOWN OVER.
We pulled over to have lunch.
We packed lunch meat...lots.
I am a little tired of lunch meat.

Hey all...
first off, let's get the whole challenge thing out the way.
I exercised 11 out of 14 days.
On the three days I didn't 'exercise' it was an all day drive fest.
The day we drove to my mom's house in michigan from Ohio...all day.
I did play tag at a rest stop.
Then I didn't exercise the two days it took us to get from Michigan back to Colorado.
(around 1250 miles total...I did do jumping jacks and lunges at rest stops...but don't count it since I didn't time it.)
(our usual three day trip was frowned upon by all...we wanted to go home.)
I had three high calorie days.
I weighed in yesterday morning at 156.
I weighed in at my mom's house at 155.
It's a maintain...maybe one pound loss.
ah well.
I think I may be retaining a bit of water from my two day death trek across the middle of America.
without further ado...
a quick recap.
On our way out,
We drove through Kansas, missouri and Illinois/Indiana.
Kansas was Kansas.
We stopped the first night in Junction city Kansas....
The hotels in Kansas are always top notch.
I don't know why.
Lack of people?
Very clean, awesome breakfasts.
(Although I did avoid the biscuits and gravy...um, not diet friendly lol)
I swam and did calisthenics the first night.
While doing jumping jacks my oldest decides my new nickname is Jiggles.
The second night we stopped in Highland, Illinios.
That was the best stop we had while traveling.
It was a nice little town.
We ate at an italian restaurant and ordered pizza, and they had a really good Salad bar.
I had an awesome salad and two slices of pizza with fresh tomatoes.
After we went to a local park called 'Silver Lake'.
There were two ducks that were so used to being fed that when we got out of our van they ran up a hill to greet us, and followed us down to the lake a good quarter mile away.
We fed them some pretzels.
The lake was beautiful and the Sunset was golden.

Some pictures.
I don't know why...but we loved this place.
I would have stayed an extra day or two here.

Me, and my two girls (Kate 16, Sophie 8)

The Ducks...They were a couple.
Aren't they cute?

Tim (my husband) and Sophie at Silver lake in Highland, Illinois.
It also had an exercise room where I got one huge workout in....one total hour on an elliptical then treadmill...I was sweating up a storm...then did pushups.

We got to Ohio after three days.
I will write about that tomorrow...
*insert banjo music here*
I got back home yesterday and managed to take the family out to dinner at Carrabas.
Today I did a three mile walk, 100 situps, 50 pushups..laundry, dishes, weeding and watering and scraping the bugs off my bumper.
I kept my calories today at 1500.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym.
So, Have a great night guys...
Hope every else's two weeks went well...


I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccckkkkk....yeah!

Hey guys...back in colorado.
Can't write much right now...have a 10 day old chicken in the fridge and not much else...gotta get some food and unpack.
Will post more later.
Can't Wait to see what you all have been up to!


Start NOW...

ugh...never again will I take my colorado home for granted...I can't wait to get back to my gym and my warm, bright, sidewalked neighborhood.
anywhoozle, we are enjoying our trip here. Had a good day food and exercise wise..not much to say.
Other than this..
I have enough relatives with health issues...
Taking good care of yourself is imperative.
Take good care of your body, and it will take good care of you.
Neglect it, feed it poorly, drink...smoke...
It will boomerang in your later years.
I can't say this enough.
It makes me more determined than ever to be good with my eating and exercising.
Today is not too late to start.
I feel 10 times better than I did one year ago..
Who knows, maybe in another year i will feel ten times better than I do now.
I f you don't change you will never feel  better.
No food is worth heart failure, diabetes, back pain and chronic fatigue.
No food is worth the pain of watching your family worry because your heart is failing.
Or being unable to walk or climb because you are too tired to move.
It's not worth wasting one more minute of your life for a french fry.
Or a hamburger, or a piece of pie.
Live fully.
Start NOW.
Do it NOW.
The clock is ticking.


exercising without the gym or a sidewalk...

Hey all,
still here in ohio.
I have been trying as hard as I can to get my workouts in and let me tell you, it's not easy.
A.) for some ungodly reason the people here in butler county don't believe in sidewalks....so I spend my walk run time on the narrow shoulder of a two lane road trying not to end up road kill.
B.) It's MUGGY.
I am from colorado...humidity here...like 70-80 percent.
It sucks.
I can't wait to get back to the land of  'dry heat'.
C.)No where to work out...
this is no joke.
I have my exercise matt and I had to move furniture and kick people off the tv to get some jillian in...as for weights...I did those in the computer room watching gramma and sophie play wizard 101.

Now food.
Actual contents of the refridgerator here:
lemon meringue pie.
three bags of candy bars..
Two packages of cheddar cheese
beef spare ribs covered in barbque sauce
mashed potatoes.
on the counters...
nuts with chocolate covered raisins...
in the freezer
ice cream
ice cream bars
dream sicles
frozen meats..
and Pork
I went grocery shopping and picked up some of my go to foods.
turkey sausage bell peppers and squash\
I BROUGHT fage with me.
and honey
and peaches.
I knew these three days would be an all out assault and so prepared accordingly.
I have two days left here..
then it's on to easier pastures.
At my moms house I have a nice road to jog and walk on...
a lake nearby
and a virtual junk free zone.
So the last six days...while internetless...will be alot easier to navigate.
My last post here will be on the 13th...
The morning of the 14th we leave here and head to an internet less land....
The next time I will blog will be the 21rst.
So...two more posts and that's it for a week.
Hope my fellow challenge people are doing well with ttheir exercise.
remember..one hour a day, every day.
Hang in there.


crouching blogger...nasty toilets...

Hello all,
signing on in Ohio...after three days of touring various states public restrooms, here are my recommendations for future travelers..
Best hotels kansas
Worst hotels....well, we had good hotels.
While the hotel in Kansas had awesomely clean sheets...
The hotel in Highland Illinois was very nice and helpful.
The best part of  highland, Illinois was silver lake park..It was beautiful and they had some really well trained ducks.
It had a fitness room where Iwas able to get an entire hour of cardio in the form of elliptical for 30 minutes and treadmill for 30 minutes.
The first night I swam and did calisthenics by the pool...100 jumping jacks and 50 pushups and some leslie sansone walk away the pounds type things.
As for the title....the award for worst public roads and nastiest toilets goes to...
I will upload those tomorrow.
We just got in and my in laws are here...
so I am going to go and visit...do my workout and blog a bit more later.
Kept my calories at or below 1600 for the most part.
So definately no gains and about a 1000 calorie deficit as of right now.
So, talk at  you all later...



It's a blogout...
My cord did  not arrive...
Therefore unplugged I am..
frustrating this is...
okay, done with yoda.

Well I have to get up early..
I got one last workout in at my gym.
I did my best to burn it down.
left 600 sweat filled calories on the floor at the gym.
I bought the jillian micheals 30 day shred today at walmart.
I will do her daily *ahem
And do an additonal 30 minutes of cardio as well.
I weighed in this morning at 156, so the goal is to be 154 by the 21rst of this month.
I will be able to blog once I reach my Mother in Law's house.
three days of that and then it's off to the hinterlands with no internet whatsoever...
that is where I will swim and dry off in the sun and maybe even go to Scott's party store and get an ice cream cone, hand dipped. It's one day...I want to share that part of my childhood with my kids...
That and maybe throw a line in the water.
So, I will miss you guys.
Be good while I'm gone, Okay?


Short and Sweet.

Hey all.
I am keeping it short and sweet today.
I am trying to get around for our trip...I am cooking a chicken, cleaning the bathrooms and doing laundry...
I am supposed to link to my daughters war tribute so I will do that here.
I think it is beautiful.
I ate 1550 calories today and did a 4 mile walk...
So a 400 calorie deficit.
Not great. But better than a surplus.
I have a ton to do tomorrow and it is looking like my laptop will have to left at home as my power cord burnt out and my replacement hasn't arrived yet.
so bloggin on vacation will be sparse to say the least which is rather disappointing.
I will keep a daily diary and willpost when I cna...I know I will be able to from the 11th through the 14th.
other than that, the 21rst is probably the soonest I will be back to blogging unless some miracle occurs and the fedex truck delivers my power cord by tomorrow night.
Well, hope  you all are on track and moving forward.


Saturday snark....stupid is as stupid does....

Have a great night folks....
Chris out.



What has been the difference for me this time?

This question has many answers.
But as I was talking to my husband tonight the answer smacked me between the eyes.

I said, "You know Tim, If I hadn't gone at this thing whole hearted, I don't think I would have made it.'
What I meant by that is that I went 'all in'.

All in...all or nothing.
I entered into a place where I burned my bridges.

I told everyone.
I even had my friend take a picture and witness my weigh in...
And I told her in a years time, if I hadn't lost at least 40 lbs...I would send the picture and my weight to my hometown paper to publish.
I started this blog.
I posted my weight.
I walked every day.
I gave it to God.
As I went down in weight I BURNED my fat pants...because I wouldn't be needing them.
I believed.
I gave myself no outs.
No maybes
No Ifs.
No buts.
I bought t shirts and wrote in the most God awful puffy paint you can imagine...
Do or Do Not, There is no try...
and I wore them..
In public..
As if being morbidly obese didn't make me stick out enough on my walks.
I had no arm band radio when I started.
I didn't even have walking shoes.
I had keds...which I wore the first two weeks...
I had no workout clothes..
just the same stretchy pants and polyester shirts or button up men's shirts I'd been wearing.
I walked even when my feet felt like they had knives sticking into them.
I didn't know what it was called then...
I just thought it was cause I was fat.
It was 'plantar fascitis' and it can be cause by excess fat ripping up the bottom of your feet cause of the pressure of the weight .
I took my shoes off when the pain got too much, and hobbled along.
I walked in the rain.
I walked in the hail once....It was raining when I started...a mile down the road it turned into hail with no where for me to go.
I walked through it, and mentally that was my greatest walk to date.
The quote that kept running through my mind was this:
The beginning is exciting, the end glorious...the middle is messy.
I had welts..It was fan frickin tastic.
There were days I didn't want to walk.
Jillian's voice would be in my head.
Unless you Faint, Puke or Die..Keep walking.
I knew this was it.
This was my last gasp.
My hail mary.
I would never be this awake...this AWARE again.
IF not now, then it would be NEVER.
Never wasn't exceptable.
I told my kids no...I had to go to the gym.
I told the laundry no...the dishes no..
for awhile....I told regular plates and regular dinners no.
I got stuff you could microwave.
I got stuff that took 10 minutes to throw together.
I did it like my life depended on it.
Because it did, and it still does.
Your life depends on it.
You have to go at this with everything you 've got.
Mind, body and spirit.
If like me, you have been moving in one direction for so long...the momentum is like a big train..
You don't just have to stop the train..
You have to reverse it.
It takes a big push....
You have to
Go all in.
Whole hearted.
If you do you will win.
You WILL succeed....
because there will be nothing to stop you.


Hitting paydirt in my chickencoop.

Hello all,
Well, If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I have talked about my fat and the reasons behind it.
The reasons I got fat.
I used the euphemism of a chicken coop.
If you have ever tried to clean out a chicken coop where the crap has not been taken care of, that has been allowed to be tamped down, layer upon layer.
Then you know that It smells like crap, but not too bad.
But once you start chipping away at that crap..the smell comes on full force.
I stated that before this weight loss attempt...I would get a good 20 lbs in or so...the smell would become too much. I would cover it up and tamp it back down and add a few more layers or pounds.
Well this time, when I started digging, I hit that first layer this last September.
My feelings about my past surfaced. 
They were intense.
It was usually where I quit.
I pushed through that and figured out:
The first reason was That I ate to cover up my feelings, or to avoid feeling.

So, after I pushed through that layer and learned to feel my feelings.
I Kept going, a few months later I was flirted with in a friendly but overly aggressive manner, and I nearly fainted because I had a panic attack.
I figured out The second reason:
I used the fat to protect me from unwanted attention from men.
I took a self defense class.
It helped immensely.
There are several reasons for the situation I found myself in...
I endured physical, emotional and in one case sexual abuse.
Well, that was that.
I knew there was some other reason...because I would have these unaccountable urges to eat whenever I passed a milestone.
Recently it's been because of how enthusiastic my husband is at my changes.
It has felt nice in one sense, but in another I was getting edgy with it. 
I figured it out last night.

Last night I had a very enlightening dream.
I have reached a size 10.
I feel pretty good.  My husband is all over me all the time.
But last night I dreamed that my husband had gotten very jealous because I looked so much better.
He was trying to tell me where I could go, who I could talk to...
Then he was telling me how to spend money, what to wear...and getting violent...
(This is all in a dream folks...so no worries lol)
He took away my computer.
He wouldn't let me talk on the phone.
He tried to tell me what to wear and what to say.
I told him I wanted to take my youngest to the mall.
He told me I didn't need to go.
My husband was a right pr*ck in the dream.
Now, the whole time..in the house was this rattlesnake.
My husband didn't notice it and neither did my kids.
Visitors noticed and asked about it.
I told them it was harmless, that it would never attack anyone.
So, when my husband (in my dream) went to work...I took my youngest to the mall anyway..
and I took the snake along.
Now those who know me know that my one big fear is snakes.
The kids still talk about the time a baby bull snake (about 3 inches long) slithered by and I went airborne.
funny haha.
A snake represents fear to me. 
When we got there, IT went crazy...it started rattling and hissing and biting at people.
People were yelling at me to kill it, and I tried to but it got away from me.
So....now this is where the dream gets a little strange (as if it isn't already.lol)
Miz Fit shows up.
Yes, the blogger.
No, I've never met her, but I do have a guest post coming up on her blog on the 24th of June.
I think she showed up because she Is where I want to be physically...plus she has some cool tats..and mentally she has it together.
She shows up and kills the snake.
Then she cuts the rattler part off and gives it to me and says
The rattle part is what warns you.
So while I shouldn't let fear get out of control..the warning is a good thing.

Now back to the main part of that dream..
My husband being controlling.
That is exactly how my mom's second husband treated her.
I have written about him before.
He was very violent and controlling.
He would have my mom tally everything she spent.
She had to ask for money.
She laid out his clothes, ran his bath and even ironed his hankies.
He would also constantly criticize her for being too fat.
She was only a size 6, at one point she was a 4.
He would still call her fat and pinch her and tell her to lose weight.
I had forgot that.
I have been rebelling.
I wasn't going to be like my mother.
I wasn't going to let anyone control me.
My fat was a big finger to mostly one person.
He who shall not be named..
and a small one aimed at my mom.
That is the truth.
I was going to do as I pleased, period.
I refused to please anyone, and if they didn't like me then screw them.
It is healthy to an extent.
But I go to extremes.
I go the other way.
someone says to me "This is what  you should do."
I will listen, but if I sense any sort of self serving bs in the request, I don't do it.
Even if I know a little sugar will soothe a situation.
If it isn't the truth, I will spit vinegar.
Some people appreciate it, many don't.
It is a HUGE part of who I am.
My husband was playing the part of Duane in that dream.
In the end of that dream, I took my girls and left.
I have to thank my mom, because in the end she did the same thing.
I don't have to fear being controlled...the fear isn't necessary..
I know the warning rattles.
I already have the control.
My chicken coop is clean...it only took 13 months.
I ate
yogurt with cherries and honey 315

crackers and soup 460
coffee 240
2 oz cube steak (hated the texture) 100
2 spears of asparagus and 1 mushroom 35
I wasn't very hungry at dinner....
1150 calories...I may eat two eggs and a piece of toast later which would put me at 1390 calories.
I will probably.
I did 2 3 mile walks.
So burned 600 calories or so...
I would estimate my deficit to be around 700 calories.
Hope you all had a good day.


Raising the bar....

I am Raising the bar.
A long time ago, when I was at my fattest....before I had ever started losing weight...
I was in a local arc thrift store looking through dresses.
I found a halter dress that was white and blue striped.
It was a size 4.
I left it there.
Then it kept coming back to me.
I kept thinking...I really like that dress.
(then my other voice would kick in and say..."Um, your a size 22/24 honey, what are YOU going to do with a dress 20 sizes TOO SMALL?")
Good question.
I went back...looked at it.
left...went back and bought it.
I had no idea why I bought it.
I think it has something to do with who I am deep down.
Or in a larger sense...who we all are.
I never, even at my highest weight truly gave up hope.
But more than anything..there was something in me that KNEW the true me was buried under fat that WASN'T ME.
So, I took that dress home and hung it up, in the back of my closet.
I didn't show it to anyone. 
I didn't tell anyone.
I just left it there at the back of my closet.
Then last may I started a new life.
When I got to a 14, I asked my oldest daughter to try it on..
All the while she is asking...where did you get this dress etc.
I wanted to see what an 8 looked like in that dress.
It fit except for the zipper not zipping all the way up around her ribs. She is built larger than me....She is 5'10 and has a wider rib cage.
That is where it wouldn't zip...The bottom fell wonderfully...
I think that dress would fit me at a size 6.
Especially since my top runs smaller than my bottom.
I have been fitting in 8/10 tops even though my bottoms were 12/14's.
So if my bottom is a 6 then my top is a 4...and it fits.
The bottom is a big ole circular skirt...no restriction on the bottom whatsoever..the tightest part of this dress is right under my breasts.
So my goal is a size 6.
Not for this dress...but because I am small boned.
I am not 'large framed'.
I can wear my 8 year olds socks and gloves.
I am 156/157...I look good in that picture I posted on facebook...
and on my blog yesterday..
What you can't see in those pictures is the cottage cheese clinging to my thighs.
I love clothing.
It hides fat so well.
I have at least 20 lbs to 25 lbs of fat to lose.
I went and bought my goal pants today.
When I bought them, the lady behind the counter said
"They will look so cute on you!"
I said "I am not a size 6 yet, But I will be, they are my goal pants."
She said "You look so tiny!"
This lady is morbidly obese and wheelchair bound and one of the sweetest people around.
I talk to her whenever I go into the px.
I said "Well, thank you."
""I am a size 10 actually, but I started out as a size 24".
She looked shocked.
Then I showed her my photo ID which has my big picture on it...
She said "Well, the good lord is sure helping you.'
"How'd you do it?"
and I told her.
While I like that she thought I fit a six, what I hoped happened there was she took what I said, processed it and  realized that she could be 'tiny' too.  MOre importantly...healthy.

Everyone keeps telling me to get a new ID card...The longer I go, the less I want to.
I want people to know it's possible.
I want proof.
Proof that I can show people.

So, I have my goal pants which...much like the 10's, I will pin to my wall.
Those sixes will be the end of my weight loss journey and the beginning of my maintenance journey.
I can see the end from here.
I tried them on...and much like when I first bought my 10's, I could only get them up to my butt cheeks.
Which is actually a bit farther than when I bought my 10's and tried them on and pulled them up to mid thigh.
I am still trying to sort what I want to do when I hit maintenance.
We'll see.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words.
I want to  write my number 6 thing for beautiful blogger.
In the winter....I turn the heat on my feet and open the car window...so I have fresh air in my face and warm feet.
IT drives my husband crazy, lol.
3 eggs/1 piece toast...310 cal.
1 cup fage/ 1/2 cup peaches, 2 T honey 330 cal.
2 cups coffee, 4 T. sugar, 1/2 cup milk 240 cal.
1 banana, 1 T peanut butter 200 cal.
3.5 servings turkey sausage 270 cal.
1 large stalk broccoli 50 cal.
1 large stalk cauliflower 30 cal.
2 wedges laughing cow cheese 70 cal.
Total calories 1505 calories.
1 hour elliptical
5.5 miles traveled
663 calories burned
upper body weights.
Total burn...around 700 calories.
deficit today 750 calories.

Have a great night guys.


Getting over myself with pictures...lol.

Hey all,
First off, Thanks to everyone who stopped by to support me yesterday...I really appreciated all the comments and kind words. Sometimes I feel down....then I get back up.
That was yesterday.
I had my daughter take a picture of me today to remind me that I have come very far.
That three pounds makes a difference.

This is Me (and my shiny toilet lol) today.

I'll get over myself now.

Hope everyone had a great night.

Thing number 5 for beautiful blogger which I was awarded with again last night by Juli's Journey...
Glad this is taking me awhile...lol.
Thank  you juli.

Okay...Number 5
I know all the words to Tupac shakur's song "changes'.
In fact, much like eminem...I think He was a deep person. I think alot of these kids who have grown up in bad situations...given the opportunity, could contribute to society and life, if given the opportunity.
It takes a society willing to look past 'bad' language, past tattoos, past attitudes and poor choices,  to hear what they are actually saying. I hope someday we will get to the place where we can look past the exterior and see the inner person.

So, Now that I have re affirmed That 157 lbs looks better on me than 262 lbs, I feel better.

So, of course my plan  here is to come back at this harder...No, I don't quit.
So, I will be posting in June, every day, every thing that passes my lips and every single exercise.
What I burn down to the nth digit.
That way there will be nowhere to run and hide if the numbers don't pan out.
I had one week of higher calories. I also had two high calorie days besides that.
that's nine days.
yes, the three pounds was deserved.
So, pity party over...
kicking that whiny beyotch out the back door.
Back to it and here is to a rocking June...
cause I refuse to balloon.
Hugs to you all.