so great, I was all it. Knew who I was.
Knew what I wanted...
How did I become 262 lbs if I was so happy with who I was.
I forgot the human part of the equation.
What happens to most of us I suppose.
If we know what we want and who we are, but then are forced to live a life opposite of what we had supposed ourselves to be.
We have A dichotomy.
I met my husband..whom I loved.
I swore I would never marry an alcoholic.
I married an alcoholic.
I didn't know I had when I did it.
I then got pregnant right out of the starting gate of our marriage..
on Our wedding night.
So, I had many principles, and I didn't stop to think they might cause problems down the road.
Some of these principles were:
1.)I would NEVER STAY in a bad relationship.
2.) My kids would all have the same father.
3.)I would only divorce someone if they beat me or cheated. (this one saved our marriage.)
I had never prioritized my principles...but when the going got tough they got clarified.
My marriage was never bad enough to meet the two criteria in number three.
He never did either.
he stayed away alot.
He drank alot.
He was self absorbed alot.
But he had his good moments.
We had our good moments.
The thing was, when It came down to brass tacks. I was willing to accept a less then stellar marriage to keep my kids in an intact household.
At that point you are swimming in grey area.
You begin to do all kinds of things to make the trade offs okay.
You ignore it.
You find other ways to get your emotional needs met.
Also, I was very young and immature.
I didn't know how to express what I wanted.
so I didn't say anything.
And it built up and I pushed it down.
build and push
build and push.
At the age of thirty my hair started going grey.
I still have the gray hair.
I had to learn how to express what I wanted.
That came about after a series of very bad upsets, my husband gone to war, a family member diagnosed with a terminal illness, a miscarriage.
I had reached the end of my coping mechanisms.
I went to las vegas for four days for a wedding.
Instead of enjoying myself, I locked myself in my hotel room after the wedding and ordered a large pizza , chips and dip and a 2 liter of soda and ate till I almost threw up.
On my trip back home through utah, I realized something had to give.
I had to put down my God complex. The one that said I had to be everyone's rock and shelter.
I had to put myself up there on the list of priorities.
I had to give up the notion that I was doing others a favor by living a lie.
I had to tell him, and everyone else..exactly what kind of relationships I wanted.
Here is where that fear comes in.
I was left alot as a child.
My biological father left before I was born.
my mother told me that my older brother was her favorite.
My grandma called me a bastard.
Duane, my mom's second husband (who I THOUGHT was my biological father) had his new wife tell me one day that I wasn't his so I should stop trying to come over and talk to him.
I thought (wrongly) that there was something inherently unlovable about me.
I knew God loved me...but people, not so much...
So, with my husband I thought it best not to push too much. That was why I was always so strong and steady. I didn't want to let him know I needed anything.
I was afraid. Afraid if I became too much of a burden, he would get tired of me and leave.
Then I had my kids.
They loved me.
I loved them.
Then I knew that I was lovable..that not just God loved me, but that other people could love me too.
I made a few very good friends.
They liked me.
I realized that I was being treated the way I was being treated because I was allowing it.
So I drew the line.
I was scared when I did that.
But you know what?
It's better to know if you are really loved, then to spend your life guessing.
Cause when you do that you are giving up any chance of ever finding someone who WILL love you.
So I gave him his pass to freedom.
"If you want to leave, then go. I am nobody's second choice. Nobody's burden.
You can take all the money, the house, and I'll take the kids...who you can see whenever you would like. I won't ask for half of your retirement. Nothing. No bitterness, you are free to go."
He said "I love you, I don't want to be free to go."
Then I knew.
I didn't have to guess.
I started making some demands of my own.
This is an example of mental toughness.
You can have principles that conflict, and you'll have to work through those.
But know what you will and won't put up with.
Know what is important to you.
It will help you get through the times when you want to quit.
I could live with a difficult marriage if that person loved me and I loved them.
But a marriage where there was no love or respect.
In the last four years my marriage has gotten so much better that I KNOW God's hand is in it.
Set your priorities.
Now...to weight loss...how does this translate.
Well, I think that huge victory in the area of my marriage set me up for victory in my weight loss.
Here was my mind set after the day I woke up...after I had spent the night crying and then woke up the next morning.
Let go of your expectations for amounts of weight lost.
I was so desperate, or focused...or whatever it is you need to call it...
That I said.
I will cap my calories at 1800 and walk every day.
(It became cap my calories at 1500 and do one hour of exercise every day for six days a week.)
Not.."I want to drop thus and such pounds before bikini season."
I did what I should and let my body take care of the rest.
I was willing to never lose a pound, just to KNOW I had control over what I ate and how I moved my body, it was enough.
That is why you don't see a weight loss bar on the side of my blog.
I didn't want to feel like I was in some sort of a competition.
I still don't.
I am okay with three pounds a month.
It's for life.
When You start, that's it.
It's for life.
Not for summer,
not for a family reunion.
So, whether you lose 1 lb a week on the way you have chosen to eat and exercise...or 3 lbs a week. It doesn't change anything.
Don't do anything you couldn't do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
That is my best piece of advice.
If I had to eat 1500 calories with two or three higher calorie days a month FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...well, I can do that.
If I have to exercise an hour a day six days a week for the rest of my life, then I can do that too.
Where that puts me weight wise, I guess I'll find out.
I am betting it puts me about 130 lbs (according to my calculations) and that is good enough for me.
But if I stopped right here at 155...FINE.
I will still eat this way and exercise this way.
Because I know why I am doing this.
So that i can live the rest of my life knowing I did my best.
I followed through.
I loved MYSELF.
Know why you are doing it.
Find a way of eating and moving you can live with for the rest of your life.
And then DO IT.
That's how you do it.
As simple and as hard.
Well, I am wiped out.
I Did my walk today and it's back to the gym tomorrow.
Have a great night guys.