6.22.2010

Home is where the heart is...

Hi all,
Well, I think I will talk about my time at my mom's house.
Going "home" means different things to different people.
My home up till the age of 12 was complete crap.
After 12 it was poor but fairly happy.

I felt nothing.
It was like going to visit, not like going home.
I was actually a little disturbed by the sheer lack of anything emotional.
I enjoyed visiting with the PEOPLE but the place?
eh.
left me cold.
My home is Colorado.
I got a couple of jogs in...I ate fairly well (except for the last day there)
I realized something.
I walked around the property, I remembered where we used to have things...
chicken coop.
pig pen.
garden.
All gone now.
Most of those things had bad memories connected to them.
My mom is older.
Everything has changed.
I have changed.
I used to have this little ball of fear in my chest.
A feeling of incompetence, of lack.
I didn't feel that this time.
Not at my in laws house, not at home.
It's like when I finally faced everything that was done to me, everything I allowed to hold me back, and all the demons that have been doing jumping jacks in my psyche for the past 30 years...the fear released me.
Or I released the fear.
And I finally realized that many other people have a little ball of fear they carry inside them.
Things they don't want to face, or talk about, or fix.
And I can't make them face things.
Or release things.
all I can do is love them where they are.
I didn't have a single conflict with anyone.
Not my mother in law.
Not my big brother who is a white supremacist.
Although sitting through that whole spiel on how Hitler's book would have made more sense in german was funny. My husband and I have read mein kampf...it doesn't make sense in English and fares no better in german..Because it is absolute nonsense.
You might wonder what there is to talk about with someone who is sooo diametrically opposed to everything I believe in, well...
We talked about nature.
We talked about childhood.
We talked about his plans for the future.
It was good enough.
I think the reason he is like this is because of his time in prison.
It wasn't a good experience.
I didn't get edgy about my mom and her need for absolute household sterility.
I didn't talk about things that would push buttons.
I didn't force my opinion.
I didn't need to.
I used to think it was my job to go around informing others of my take on reality.
This time, I didn't expect others to be miniature versions of me.
And most of all, I didn't try to be what I thought others wanted me to be.
I was myself.
So I enjoyed myself at home.
That was great.
Then I took a walk along the tracks to my old stomping grounds..
The horse barn at the Y.
I worked there over the course of five years during the summer.
I hopped the fence.
yes, I trespassed.
Luckily, the people who work there are mostly hippies for whom the concept of private property is relative...
The girl who runs the barn put down her guitar and took me back to see the horses.
There was STILL a horse there that I knew 20 years ago.
i couldn't believe it.
I broke that horse.
His name was oreo and he was a pony.
Back in the day he was black and white and had a trot that felt like you were riding a stiff plank.
Now he is all silver and still looking good.
When I hopped the fence back to where the railroad tracks, that's when it hit me and I almost started crying.
That was what I missed.
That camp was where I had all my fun and learned most of my important lessons.
It's where I learned to be a grownup.
Any positive feelings I had as a teenager emanated from that place.
We would sit around the campfire at night and sing songs while Jake played the guitar.
I walked back to my Mom's house.
But home for me back then was the barn.
Home for me now Is here in Colorado.
I went back and got through it.
I didn't fall off the wagon.
I was afraid being back there would resurrect the old Chris.
But it didn't.
She's gone.
I took the best parts of me and made them stronger.
The worst parts and burned them.
Someone asked me..
I think it was Julie.
Did you just decide one day to lose weight?

Yes.
I did.

Have I always been this way, make a decisions and stick to it?
I think so.
But we are all this way.
We decide every day.
Some decisions are decisions with no escape clause.
Having kids.
No escape clause.

Well, you can make getting healthy that kind of a decision.
That is the truly beautiful thing about life.
One day, you can wake up and decide to change your life.
I did it at 18 when I left home and found the life I wanted.
I met my husband and five months later, we were married.
Married now 17 years.
At 19 when I had my daughter.
at 28 when I had my second.
At 35 When I decided I was too Good of a person to remain fat and miserable for the rest of my life.
So,
Decide.

Hugs,
Chris

17 comments:

Sheilagh (60 x60) said...

This post made me cry, you are an amazing young woman.

Robin said...

You knew you were free before. I mean you felt free. This trip confirmed all of those feelings. Yes, I have put all of that stuff to bed. Yes, I can do all sorts of things that I couldn't before. Yes, I can have conversations with others allowing them to be themselves because, in the end, I understand that I won't change them. The only person I know I can change is me. I can influence my children. Of course, the bulk pf that is done when they are young. Now it is just reinforcement. And you can influence your husband. In other words, you pick your battles. Those are likely few and far betweem because you know one another so well. It is freeing to be yourself and to allow someone else to be themselves ~ even if you think their opinion reflects that of a jackass. It feels so good to just shed things. Our load gets so much lighter. Of course, that is true in terms of weight, bust also in terms of our mental health. It gets heavy carrying that emotional baggage around. Every rock we can take out of our sock lightens our burden. Thanks for the inspiring post. Well done<3.

Robin said...

I wrote down your traits. I am keeping my track, but didn't post your comment. From this point on, I will remember to post my email address on each post. Send your trait to that address. Yeah, I know it's more work unless you don't care if don't publish your comment. Then go ahead and post it. All very intuitive answers, btw.

Linda Pressman said...

Chris, what a lovely post.

It's really something, the ability to travel somewhere and almost be able to look at our past, like we left it there. It always provokes a lot of writing in me. I'm hankering for a trip to Chicago to have this happen again.

I guess what really happened is that you're not that same person anymore. The work you did, both inside and out, has changed you and changed your reaction to the world.

Rettakat said...

Very powerful post, Chris. I think it will give hope to a lot of people, and maybe... maybe... they will Decide to act, too.

It's an amazing thing, this power we have to choose.

What great insights you gained from this trip.
Loretta
=^..^=

carla said...

amazing woman and powerful writer.

xo xo

Hanlie said...

Oh, I just adore you! Thank you for this very real slice of your life and your thought processes. You are so right!

I really admire your tenacity and resolve. Don't ever stop blogging!

I decided years and years ago that "home" was where I lived, not my parents. I think it helped that we always moved around a lot and they have moved a lot since I left home. I had a friend in her thirties who still referred to her parents' house as "home" and it always bothered me... Maybe I'm just very independent!

F. McButter Pants said...

One of your very best posts. I don't usually comment, but I read everyday. Yep, one of your best.

I know all about that pit of fear in the stomach. It really is all about decisions. Thanks for the reminder.

logmyloss said...

What a trip. What emotions it invoked. Again, what a trip. It is truly all about the decision.

Helen said...

I just love the fact that you are taking responsibility for yourself and not making excuses about your past to "excuse" your future. Love it. Lots of good lessons here. Rock on lady!

TJ said...

Great post Chris! I love the memories of you with that horse. So special! :)

Paula Rodriguez said...

What an awesome post. I nearly cried. I'm so proud of you. You are challenging me to look inside.

You have an indominable personality. Geez, the barn and the horses reminded me of my childhood. Something I try not too look to closely at... hmmm, maybe its time.

Really admire your attitude, and how you dealt with the people back home. Home is definitely where the heart is...

outdoor.mom said...

nostalgia can be bitter sweet. i have good memories of camp too :-) glad it went good for you!!

karen@fitnessjourney said...

You've clearly come full circle in your life. It's amazing to me how we hold ourselves back when we do have the power to change.

Putz said...

you made it to the very last line of your post before you mentioned fat or weight, and yet you preached to me>>>i would have yelled at someone>>>. i spent time with my son{tea partier and made sure i dint mention our new health care package, or now our general in afhfganistan getting fired>>>and like you haed a good time>>>so many be we are twins< we had a very similar experiene and handle it in the very same exact wy>>.i love you me the putz

Katie J said...

Thanks for this post Chris. It really has me thinking.

Julie Lost and Found said...

omg Chris..I came on over here just now to let you know I gave you a blog award. Now I'm crying..CRYING! Thank you so much for sharing your experience ..and for answering my question in this post.

I have decided. I'm doing it. No turning back.

Thank you so much for your powerful writing!

Come on over to collect your blog award!

Hugs, Julie