Home is where the heart is...

Hi all,
Well, I think I will talk about my time at my mom's house.
Going "home" means different things to different people.
My home up till the age of 12 was complete crap.
After 12 it was poor but fairly happy.

I felt nothing.
It was like going to visit, not like going home.
I was actually a little disturbed by the sheer lack of anything emotional.
I enjoyed visiting with the PEOPLE but the place?
eh.
left me cold.
My home is Colorado.
I got a couple of jogs in...I ate fairly well (except for the last day there)
I realized something.
I walked around the property, I remembered where we used to have things...
chicken coop.
pig pen.
garden.
All gone now.
Most of those things had bad memories connected to them.
My mom is older.
Everything has changed.
I have changed.
I used to have this little ball of fear in my chest.
A feeling of incompetence, of lack.
I didn't feel that this time.
Not at my in laws house, not at home.
It's like when I finally faced everything that was done to me, everything I allowed to hold me back, and all the demons that have been doing jumping jacks in my psyche for the past 30 years...the fear released me.
Or I released the fear.
And I finally realized that many other people have a little ball of fear they carry inside them.
Things they don't want to face, or talk about, or fix.
And I can't make them face things.
Or release things.
all I can do is love them where they are.
I didn't have a single conflict with anyone.
Not my mother in law.
Not my big brother who is a white supremacist.
Although sitting through that whole spiel on how Hitler's book would have made more sense in german was funny. My husband and I have read mein kampf...it doesn't make sense in English and fares no better in german..Because it is absolute nonsense.
You might wonder what there is to talk about with someone who is sooo diametrically opposed to everything I believe in, well...
We talked about nature.
We talked about childhood.
We talked about his plans for the future.
It was good enough.
I think the reason he is like this is because of his time in prison.
It wasn't a good experience.
I didn't get edgy about my mom and her need for absolute household sterility.
I didn't talk about things that would push buttons.
I didn't force my opinion.
I didn't need to.
I used to think it was my job to go around informing others of my take on reality.
This time, I didn't expect others to be miniature versions of me.
And most of all, I didn't try to be what I thought others wanted me to be.
I was myself.
So I enjoyed myself at home.
That was great.
Then I took a walk along the tracks to my old stomping grounds..
The horse barn at the Y.
I worked there over the course of five years during the summer.
I hopped the fence.
yes, I trespassed.
Luckily, the people who work there are mostly hippies for whom the concept of private property is relative...
The girl who runs the barn put down her guitar and took me back to see the horses.
There was STILL a horse there that I knew 20 years ago.
i couldn't believe it.
I broke that horse.
His name was oreo and he was a pony.
Back in the day he was black and white and had a trot that felt like you were riding a stiff plank.
Now he is all silver and still looking good.
When I hopped the fence back to where the railroad tracks, that's when it hit me and I almost started crying.
That was what I missed.
That camp was where I had all my fun and learned most of my important lessons.
It's where I learned to be a grownup.
Any positive feelings I had as a teenager emanated from that place.
We would sit around the campfire at night and sing songs while Jake played the guitar.
I walked back to my Mom's house.
But home for me back then was the barn.
Home for me now Is here in Colorado.
I went back and got through it.
I didn't fall off the wagon.
I was afraid being back there would resurrect the old Chris.
But it didn't.
She's gone.
I took the best parts of me and made them stronger.
The worst parts and burned them.
Someone asked me..
I think it was Julie.
Did you just decide one day to lose weight?

Yes.
I did.

Have I always been this way, make a decisions and stick to it?
I think so.
But we are all this way.
We decide every day.
Some decisions are decisions with no escape clause.
Having kids.
No escape clause.

Well, you can make getting healthy that kind of a decision.
That is the truly beautiful thing about life.
One day, you can wake up and decide to change your life.
I did it at 18 when I left home and found the life I wanted.
I met my husband and five months later, we were married.
Married now 17 years.
At 19 when I had my daughter.
at 28 when I had my second.
At 35 When I decided I was too Good of a person to remain fat and miserable for the rest of my life.
So,
Decide.

Hugs,
Chris