Becoming the person you want to be...part 1

I am giving up coffee.
This is as big as it sounds.
starting tomorrow I will be drinking tea...herbal tea.
I don't know...
Yesterday, I was driving in my van, and looked down and thought.
I am done with coffee.
I think it makes me want to eat.
I have insomnia.
I don't know if it is the caffiene or what...
But the thought went through my head.
I am giving up coffee.
And I didn't even feel a pang.
No panic, no wondering.
I asked my oldest daughter "If you could wake up tomorrow and have the perfect day...what would it look like."
And she told me.
Now I am going to ask me the same question.
And figure it out.
A lot of things were taken from me when Iwas small...
and I don't know where I got the idea that I couldn't create the life I didn't have then, now.
But obviously I bought into it...the idea that for some things it is 'too late'.

You can start anytime, anywhere.
So I am starting tomorrow.
Chris out.


well...wake me up when september ends...

got a tax bill today...apparently we underpaid in 2008.
by 200 dollars.
btw...in case you all were wondering, I am a conservative.
I am just done, done, done with the cretins in washington.
They aren't conservatives.
They are just politicians.
Heck...the more I think about it, I think I am less a conservative and more a
"get the hell out of my life" person.
My friend and I (who is, I think, a little more liberal than I am) were talking about the government the other day.
And on one side you have people who think they need to legislate morality.
And on the other side you have people who want to pick  your pocket and take your money.
Both of them equal  opportunity offenders.
 I am not sure when we began handing our liberty over to a bunch of bureaucratic dipsh*ts
But I think it's time we stop.
Think about  it...that 200 dollars I am going to send in to the government..
will it go to do anything positive?
or will it simply line the pockets of someone's special interest?
The latter, I believe.
And so..
A little something I do believe.

Good evening america,
The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
This is the last I will speak of this.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.


Captain obvious-Back from the abyss

Chris is tired and ready to go to bed...So she thought she would let me...
Captain obvious-
Pinch Hit.
If she knew what kind of mood I was in, she never would have agreed.

But with her having popped a couple of unisom (and heading for la la land)
..and seemingly oblivious to my mental machinations...
I thought I would vent my spleen as regards  presidential contenders and our 'news' organizations.

We really shouldn't blame them...it's a general word...meaning..
"Information some moron thought important enough to type up and slap into either paper format and/or digital media."
The amount of Money and Time spent on said Americanized "news' is (or should be) criminal.
I sometimes read The Onion...
Its a fictional newspaper that is often sometimes more accurate than actual news.
Just like John Stewart and the daily show is often sometimes more accurate than ACTUAL "news".
For instance....

In which we find The Curious Case of the Invisible Presidential Contender.

Captain obvious finds this hysterically funny....and obnoxiously sad at the same time.

Captain obvious finds some of Ron's ideas kooky.
But, Captain obvious is so pissed at this obvious media bias right now, and It's tendency to Dumb Down our political discourse...
That captain obvious would be secretly delighted (Now not so secretly) to see the sheer terror and disorientation should the good doctor actually win...
 So delighted, that he is contemplating voting for Ron Paul...if only  Captain obvious can break free from the hypnotic allure of 'the Republican front runner's" luscious locks, rugged appeal, and pre packaged sound bites.

After this ad, the aliens invade and Rick Perry rolls up his sleeves, grabs his megaphone, and leads the world in defeating the invading horde.
Then there are stories like this one in which we learn that John Boehner, republican house majority leader ...sleeps well and is not angry, though we do discover later on in the 'news' article that he is not having "any fun".

Now that one I thought was an onion article..as it reminded me so much of this http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-begs-us-not-to-embarrass-him-in-front-of-fre,21068/)

Not to leave our (dis) honorable colleagues on the left out of this moron extravaganza....Harry Reed thinks so much of bike trails he thought he would slap it into the transportation bill..

On the same day John's relative health and happiness were being debated here  in america,
This was the lead story in Israel...
Wherein we learn Israel has signed a peace treaty with greece and is on the verge of a war with turkey.  Considering the muslim brotherhood takeover in Egypt, the palestinian unrest in the west bank...the Iranians who are on the verge of obtaining a nuclear weapon and syria who is outright murdering her people while we chase Qaddafi all over the lybian desert...I think we are on the precipice of another world war...
Not that our news is covering that; CAptain obvious feels that someday, we here in america will wake up and the world will be at war and we will think it's because Jersey Shore And The Kardashians are having a throwdown.
Obviously done,
 Captian out


Getting angry doesn't solve anything.....

Hello all,
how's it going. 
I had a little something happen today that was a real clarifier.
Getting angry doesn't solve the problem..
In fact, anger can really inhibit a rational response.
Say you are angry because you are fat.
You look in the mirror and all the sudden  you feel depression (anger turned inwards)....
That doesn't lead to weight loss, it usually leads to a binge.
YOu feel angry.
Angry at yourself...
which generally turns to name calling, which turns to self hate..
which turns to your favorite drug of choice to numb yourself out...
Or you are angry at your family.
You blame them for your being fat.
If only I didn't have to
A..B..or C...
I would be thin.
I would be healthy.
That's all Bullsh*t.
Getting angry about being fat..
or being in debt.
Of having your toilet overflow and leak into your garage because you didn't fix a handle..
It does nothing.
Now all there is to do is to clean it up.
And it will take a long time.
So you had best get a good attitude and be happy.
And fix the small things so they don't become big things..
That five pounds, so it doesn't turn into 100 lbs.
...that 300 dollar credit car so it doesn't turn into 3000...
And the handle on the toilet that sticks...so it doesn't turn into an  all day nasty fest of cleaning toilet water.

Chris out.


Glorious Pain and malware/virus security....

Hey all,
Well, That malware thing...yeah.
I have never had that happen before and had no idea what to do or how to deal.
I started looking and there is this sight...

This gives you tons of scanners for your blog...if you go to dashboard and down to webmaster tools and click on that...(it's at the very bottom) It will tell you the status of malware, if your sight has been distributing malware etc.
I uploaded my blog...and after using This scanner
I was able to go through and remove the offending text.
Other hints to keep your blog safe was to keep your security stuff on your computer up to date..my husband uploaded the latest free avg security onto our computer which found a trojan virus...
make a password for your blog that contains at least 1 capital letter and 1 symbol like a question mark or something..
And update your blog frequently with the newest updates.

Now for the pain portion of this blog post...
My friend and I did  it in an hour..And jogged down in an hour...
We'll be doing it again in two weeks.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done..you ascend, in one mile, nearly 2700 feet...there are around 4800 steps. 
Three years ago, I couldn't walk a quarter mile on flat ground.
Getting out of bed was a chore.
My heels hurt,
My back hurt.
My heart would have palpitations just sitting.
I climbed that.
I sat down for two or three minutes.
Then I jogged three to four miles down.
Am I sore today.
Am I proud
Did I go to the gym Today.
Don't wait another  minute to kick the shit out of life.
Chris out.


I fixed it!!!

My blog is back up and functioning...
I will post tomorrow..
I climbed quite a hill today and am tired...so I will explain all that tomorrow.
Glad to be back.



Hey guys,
I am taking this blog private....and am going to try to save some of my archives...then I am going to construct a new website. After you read this scan your blog. I will come back when I can...maybe in a week or two at a new destination.
See ya when I see ya.

bloggy break....

Hey guys,
Apparently I am getting some sort of malware notices...or something.
I am going to be on hiatus for a while to sort this out. I don't want to infect anyone with anything.
I may end up moving my blog...we'll see.
I hope not.
Talk at you later.
Chris out.


attitude of gratitude...

well, I have been shlumping about quite a bit lately.
blah blah got no money..
So I thought I would make a list of everything I am grateful for.

1.) I have everything I NEED.
I have food, clothing, and a roof over my head.
Heck, I have more than I need.  I have different
kinds of clothes...I have exercise clothes, I have a jacket and a winter coat.  I have dress shoes and tennis shoes etc.

2.) I am actually 5'4...not 5'3.5 (Just found this out at the doctors....lol)   Which puts my normal weight a little higher! yeah me!

3.) I have two beautiful children and a husband who have a good attitude about paying down debt and not spending money.

4.) It's been raining like crazy so I don't have to water my garden (hence saving on my water bill).

5.) I have brothers whose weddings I may miss, but who I am close to.

6.) I have a mother who cared enough to work and take care of us while we were growing up.

7.) I have my health..except for the ear...which is getting better.

8.) I have good friends.

9.) I still have my dog even though my cat ran off.

10.) I don't have to buy pumpkins, because we have grown some biggun's in our back yard.

What are you grateful for?

I burned 640 calories today.
I am in some physical distress but otherwise fully functioning...a little sore.
But, hey...it's nothing to compare to boot camp.
Today was a good day to be alive.
God bless.
Chris out.


exercise for da po' folk (and songs for the putz)

Well, I didn't get to go to my brother's wedding because I didn't have the money.
That was irritating.
that upset me.
You know why I don't have money.
don't we all...
But besides current monthly expenses being ridiculous...we have debt that eats our money every month.
car payment, mortgage payment and college loan...That's it, but those are some doozies.
And I am tired of debt..
So I am going to pay it off.
That means I am 'poor on purpose'.
That means saying no alot.
to me.
to the kids.
to everyone.
and that's okay.
but...if going to the gym is going to be a rare thing...
what ever shall I do?
a little something I like to call 'exercise for da po' folk'.
Today I did a 6 mile ruck march.
Funny how the army didn't need a gym membership to get me into shape.
I don't want to spend money on gas to the gym till I need it...(november/December?)
So I will jog and ruck march and do free weights at home.
It costs no gas money.
And it is hard.
And it works.
so...six mile ruck 3 days a week plus toning Tuesday, thursday and saturday ...
1 mile jog with 100 modified pushups and situps monday wednesday and friday,plus 3.5 mile ruck at night.
For the next 8 weeks.
Kind of like boot camp.
And like bootcamp...I have my first blister.
Go me.
Chris out.


real hunger vs. emotional hunger

I was thinking on this today..
mostly because I didn't want to think on today.
September 11th.
I was going to write about it...but to this day the main emotion is rage.
impotent rage.
yes, sorry for the people who died...that is the main source of the rage.
The pain and fear they faced as they died.
Yes, amazed at the people on flight 93..
but my whole set up is fight fight fight.
That day nearly made me rejoin the army.
It took my mom to talk me out of it.
So I thought of it...and realized little could be said without a liberal use of profanity.
I don't see lessons to be learned unless it's this....live each day as if it's your last..
because you never know when some scum sucking piece of trash is going to have the urge to take innocent people, and use them and the plane they are on to murder other innocent people.
So to the victims
Rest in peace.
To the families...I will never forget.
moving on.

I was thinking on how to distinguish emotional hunger from real hunger.
And I finally got it.
Emotional hunger never wants a bowl of spinach
So the next time you are tempted to eat at 9 at night say...
"I can have any kind of veggie I want, but no ranch dressing, no cheese on top...just veggies.
And then see if the 'want to' still overwhelms you.
If it does, I say "Eat UP!" lol.
If it don't I say...give it a pass.
Did good today.
Hope you all did as well.
Chris out.


what it means to be thin.....

I started thinking about this when someone posted a comment asking me to talk about what it feels like to be on the other side of the thin wall.

Well, It's hard to explain.
Because much like being on the other side...You forget what it's like to not be the way you are now..
You remember in a kind of distant, hazy way...
But not like you are living it day to day.
You see...
There are things that are no longer a reality for me.
Things like:
Laying in bed at night and imagining what it would be like to be thin.
Then crying because you 'know' it will never happen...you are doomed to be fat.
Not wanting to go up the stairs to retrieve something because it sounds (and is) too tiring.
Trying to skip out on going to the zoo because you know you are going to pay for it the following day when you can barely stand, because the pain in your feet is epic.
Being afraid of going to the movie theater because you might not fit in the seat...
Feeling like every fatty piece of food that passes your lips is some sort of proof of your inability to get it together.
Being ignored in stores when trying to get help with an issue.
Getting nasty or disgusted stares from men.
It doesn't happen anymore.
So I decided to go back to some of my earlier posts....
when one section really leapt out at me..
In fact, it made me cry for the person I used to be...

All of us fat girls know this, we make up for our weight by using humor, being accomodating, and putting ourselves at the bottom of the totem pole. We put ourselves down before anyone else does. We make Jokes at our own expense that say "See, you don't have to feel bad, I know I am fat...I'll be the funny one, the nice one, the one who listens to everyone's problems while stuffing down my own with food. I don't want to get in anyones way, I am not worth taking up anyones time, even my own.". Let me get out of the way, make the cookies for the bake sale, listen to you drone on about your gout, accept backhanded compliments with grace, and not be a nuisance. Let me try to fit my exercise around your likes, dislikes, dinnertimes, dance class, piano lessons, phone calls, errands and cleaning. If I can find the time I will get myself healthy, if not, well then...that's okay because everyone else is happy and that's what matters.

See all that.
I don't do that anymore...not ANY of it.
In fact...I look in the mirror and like what i see...yes, even naked.
I can walk for miles...and love the zoo...we go all the time.
I walked my kids into the dirt on the last family hike.
If  someone says something mean or hurtful, I don't just accept it, internalize it and then eat it.
I tell them how I feel about it.
Man is THAT liberating.
Oh, I still take my kids around...
But I make my exercise a priority.
I make me a priority.
And as a result...my motivation for doing nearly everything has changed from have to, to want to.
From operating from a place of deficit and less than.
To operating from a place of love and self worth.
I didn't just get thin.
I got happy.
Because I deserve to be happy.
That was my biggest realization.
Because I am enough and though I may have moments of self doubt, they don't hang aroun d like they used to....
I am worth the time and effort, and so are you.
That is what it means to lose weight and grab hold of your health, and to reverence your life.
So hang in there.
It's worth doing.


The End of Summer

I can feel it.
It's in the breeze when I sit on my front porch.
It's in the feeling you get when you take a walk and the sun is heading for the horizon early.
It's the feeling that has an echo.
The echo of all the other summers that slid away.
Today It made me melancholy.
I was watching the sun set and I decided to go up and get my girls an ice cream.
And as we drove back we turned up the radio and sang along.
And I remembered..
The summers I would go down to 8 point lake and swim and then drip dry in the sun.
When the tigers won the pennant in 84.
The summer I was 16 and thought my heart was broken by a boy named ellery...


The summer I spent as a counselor in Training.
listening to a guy named steve play the guitar while we sang along..
and then lay under the stars for hours just talking.

The four summers I worked at the barn, riding horses and goofing off.

The summer before I joined the army spent cruising up and down main street in clare for no other reason than that there was nothing to do...
and then getting a marriage proposal and realizing that i was on the verge of making big decisions...Knowing that marriage to that particular person was not in my deck of cards...
  and the weekends I spent just riding my bike tither and yon.

I wonder what my kids will remember from their summers.

Have a great night,


Till I collapse


Back from my self imposed exile.
You all must think I love exercise.
I do it enough.
But I hate it.
I really do.
I like the way it makes me feel.
I love the benefits.
I have no urge to make it fun.
Because you know what I hated more than I hate exercise.
Knowing that of all the people that had abandoned me and hurt me over my life..
I had hurt myself more than all of them combined.
And self induced pain and shame is something I hate more than a little exercise.
The hour or two I spend every day making sure it never happens again.
Worth it.

I remember once being around 190 lbs...
My heart started racing and I felt light headed.
and  I thought:
 "I am going to drop dead on this stupid machine."
The following thought was...(because this is how my mind works.)
"She died doing what she hated."
The follow on thought to that was...
"But at least I died trying."
and I kept going.

So, I was listening  to this song today...I love eminem.
I get him and he would get me if he knew me.
And man...It's what I have felt like sometimes.
Really all through my life.
As I was sitting in church on Sunday contemplating the notion of spiritual gifts (and still trying to figure what mine was or is)
When it came to me.
I finally realized what spiritual gift I have.
I am a fighter.
Always have been...
I do it naturally.
Quitting is a foreign concept.

Trying to lose that last 10-20 lbs.
It has been a struggle.
To balance weight loss and life.
Feeling myself pulled in 20 different directions.
But if there is one thing I have learned.
A divided mind is a mind easily conquered.
You have to know your purpose.
Be willing to pay any price.
I am willing now.
 I have decided to give a good hard run at it these last four months of this year.
See where I get if I 'apply' myself.
So, hard core never hurt...
In fact, it works.
When irresistable force meets moveable object.
Irresistable Force Always Wins.
You aren't a failure till you quit.
I am no quitter.
I'm going to finish this.
Chris out.