uck...no exercise...but a new vacuum

so I missed my gym day....
cause I was preparing for a party (my daughter's halloween party) when my vaccuum died. I couldn't have a party without a clean carpet (not ocd at all), so the hour I was SUPPOSED to spend getting my sweat on was spent at walmart attempting to flag down a walmart associate (WHERE ARE THEY?!) and purchase a relatively, but not too cheap, vacuum. I got a hoover turbo wind or some such thing. Why does every vaccuum have to sound like spring in Kansas. I don't know.
It's red and is bagless, so good enough.
I cleaned vigorously for four hours so I guess that may count for something. I am at 1700 calories and will probably end at 1850 because of two slices of pizza and a coke for dinner. Not too bad, Before I would've eaten a half a pizza. With my last two days loggin in at 1340, about 260 calories under for two days...and today coming in 250 over...on average I am under in calories for the last three days. Back otk tomorrow. Only 18 days till weigh in...don't want to muff it up.
Going back to the gym tomorrow to pound it out for an hour on the precor. I am going to try for 100 sit ups and 45 pushups.
Hope you all didn't do too much damage tonight with the candy and the crap...on the upside, I didn't touch a candy bar...so all is well.
*update* lol, am currently listening to 3 fifteen year olds scream and jump their way through amityville Horror....(should I sneak outside, wait till it's really tense, then pound on the window?)
Happy Halloween,


under 200....I want it....

Well, I am about 12 days into my sixth month of my new lifestyle. I was 210 lbs on October 18th.
I don't know what I am now, but I know I am closer to 200...to under 200, than I was 12 days ago. In fact, this is the lowest I have been in nearly 9 years. (I am trying not to think about it too much.)
The last two days I have eaten on average of 1340 calories.
I have just been too busy to really eat. I have been eating breakfast, coffee, dinner. Big dinners. Then I am full and I am not going to force myself to eat just to eat. (so unlike the old me...)
So, the last two days I have been on the precor...here, lets see if I can find a picture..

Thar she blows.
That's the thing I hop on about four days a week. It's an elliptical that goes up and down. I love it.
If I want to work on muscle toning I up the resistance.
If I want to work on speed I lower the resistance and go faster.
If I want to work on my rear end, I elevate that puppy to fifteen and go to town.
It's awesome.
I am so ready to burn this fat off.
Nothing feels better than looking better than that snotty chic who used to give you sneering looks....(slight variation on nothing tastes better than being thin feels...which is complete and utter bullsh*t)
Sometimes It is frustrating to still be fat when you have lost a lot of weight already. I know this, I read it on other people's blogs. I feel it daily when I look in the mirror. The mirror that says, yeah you look better...but honey, you're still fat.
It can get tiring to think about. You are ready to be killer hot now. You are working ten times harder than half the skinny chicks in that gym, and still you are fatter, are indeed considered fat. Maybe even given looks of derision as they hop onto the machine next to you...only to leave a half an hour later with a puzzled expression plastered on their faces that says, "Did I just get my butt kicked by a fat chick?!"...
The answer to that would be YES, You DID.
Cause right now, I have a pretty good cardiovascular system sister.

I just have about 80 lbs. of coagulated bad choices sitting on my *ss.
But not for long.
If we just keep plugging, we will get where we want to go.
I am ready for it. Are you?
Yes, I have lost over fifty pounds, yep...that's great.
I want it all gone. I want to win. I want to kill this fat and stick it in the Dust bin of history.
I want to prove to the *sshole who once told me
"Once women get pregnant, they get fat. Enjoy your life now, you'll never be this thin again."
Up till now I have proven him right. I am going to prove him wrong.
I want to be the recipient of envious glares from overweight insecure housewives (having given them, I know what they look like :0).
I want people to think I am 'naturally thin'.
That I have 'always looked like that'.
I want the questions.
How do you stay so fit?
I want people peering into MY grocery cart. (anybody else do this to poor unsuspecting, skinny women in grocery stores. I had to know what magic food they were buying...in many cases not much different than what I was buying...it was HOW MUCH they were eating that made the difference.)
I just want that feeling once...that feeling where you walk out of the house in the morning knowing for sure, that you are not going to be the fattest person there. That you look good, D*mn good. The time I won't be pulling on my shirt to cover my fat on my belly, or to cover my rear. When I finally stop wearing my security blanket (the overshirt).
I am 80 lbs away from that goal, from the rest of those things...I don't know. Will I feel better at 150, maybe.
Well, I Hope you all are pulling towards your goals. Don't let time get to you. I know it feels looooooooooooong. But you are alot further than you were.
Imagine if you hadn't started...How would you feel then?


Feeling gorgeous....

Feeling Gorgeous, natch...
Thank you Leslie at something brilliant is brewing....a link is over there to the right...
So I think it's six things you don't know and seven bloggers I think are gorgeous.
Six things you don't know....about me...
um, yeah.
Cause I am so secretive...
But I'll try.
1. When I was a kid, my favorite place to hide was an oak tree in our back yard. (Keep in mind we had two acres)....The oak tree had no branches for the first fifteen feet, but right next to it was this white birch. So I would shimmy up this birch tree and climb on to the large limb that jutted out from the side. I would sit up there for hours and daydream. No one ever found me.

2.) I used to be an avid cyclist. When I was 16 it was nothing for me to do forty miles in a day. I felt free on my ten speed.

3.) I hate guns. I am a member of the NRA, I believe in a person's right to keep and bear arms, I just don't want them anywhere around me. This could have something to do with the fact that I have been shot at...not a pleasant experience.
4.) Before I found out you had to be catholic, one of my earliest ideas for future employment was to become a NUN. yes, really. Then I realized that they didn't have southern baptist nuns and that put the kibosh on that idea.

5.)In the same line, I saved myself for marriage, well to just right before marriage but ....technicalities. Yes, really. And I am still married to the same guy. I am also still glad I did. (i'm also glad I married young...lol)

6.) I love to fish. I don't need to catch anything, I can just sit there and cast it out and reel it in, cast it out reel it in...so long as I am alone. Don't be nattering at me the whole time, cause it just ruins the whole thing.

I doubt I'll get seven people....
Amber faith love kids and me
and Exquisite christine....her blog is below...I love all her charts. Plus we have both lost 52.4 lbs and we are both named Christine(a)
I think that's all for now...
those four will do...I will make comments tomorrow and tell them. Again, Thank you leslie! I love your blog and would boomerang it back if I could.
Did an hour on the precor, 570 cals. burned...5 miles walked/ ellipticalled...
96 situps and 39 modified pushups.
Keep up the good, hard work..keep pushing towards your goals.


I am the middle class

(First...Leslie, I picked up your award...thank you so much, will post tomorrow!)
I know...I know...
so what.
Well, it means something.
Poverty is a mindset. When you grow up poor, you kind of get stuck there sometimes.
You middle class people might not know this, but you know how you sometimes make jokes about trailer parks and welfare recipients, And rednecks with guns and trucks . Well, they are making fun of you too.
You might wonder what there is to make fun of...
Well, as a former denizen of the working class, current denizen of the bourgeois middle....everything and nothing.
As a poor person, the amount of time spent working on lawns and cultivating shaped shrubbery was something to be laughed at. Jumpers, minivans, and "oh my goodness" and 'well, I never's"....
I remember how much fun my crap head friends and I had running through the lawns of the summer people up from Detroit. I distinctly remember cutting flowers from the beds near the roads to take home to my mom, and my mom laughing and not asking where I had gotten them from. We cut down trees on a neighboring property (around 2000 acres, it was a hunting club for yuppies) to heat our home. We never wondered if the food was 'organic' and the idea of being a vegetarian brought only eye rolls or puzzled stares. I can still remember my husband (who was raised in an upper middle class home) sitting in the kitchen in Michigan with two other guys. The were talking about hunting. Now, there is a sub strata of hunting called 'primitive' hunting. Primarily done by yuppies who don't actually need the food to support their families. You hunt with a spear.
He had mentioned this to me before we got there, I told him IF i was him, I wouldn't say anything, because I didn't think those guys would understand. It's hard being the liason between two groups of people. So...does he listen...nope.
He pipes up with this yuppy idea, and there was about thirty seconds of silence. Then God help me, someone snickered and I couldn't help it....we all laughed. You know why....
Why hunt with spears....THAT'S WHY GOD MADE GUNS. LOLOLOL.
Now I drive a mini van, I don't wear jumpers but I do spout the occasional third grade teacher expletive "holy cow'. as opposed to holy sh*t.
Now I worry about my lawn and plant flowers, but I still sit back from time to time and wonder why I spend so much time worrying about my lawn...in all honesty, I think it's just suburbia. Everyone worries how they look to each other. You don't want to be THAT neighbor. The neighbor that doesn't weed. The neighbor whose dog "won't quit barking" or "is always getting out'.
When I was growing up, during the summer, yuppies from Gross point and ann arbor would pack up their summer clothes and head 'to the woods' and their 'cottages on the lake'. The Lexus and caddies on dirt roads, and watching yuppies complain about how the dust was going to ruin the paint job on their shiny cars were sources of amusement. (We lived in a big tourist area). All the guys would take their muddin trucks and act like idiots on the roads to put the fear of God into the tourists.
Now I worry that the sun may fade my paint job.
I took my children on 'play dates'.
This doesn't occur with poor people.
Neither do flute lessons, soccer teams, or karate lessons.
Learning disabilities just mean "jimmy don't pay attention in school'.
He's gonna be a mechanic.
Now kids are adhd, dyslexic, or the all encompassing 'trying to find themselves'. I still find myself saying "your bored, well how bout you scrub the toilet" when my children can't find any way to entertain themselves. We were never entertained. We 'went outside and played'.

I realized today that I am the middle class.
I hopped into my car after loading the back full of girl scout stuff. We are making Christmas ornaments for silver key services. I pulled on my more than 20 dollar coat, pulled on my leather gloves...climbed into our families second car. Pulled out, looked up and noticed our neighbor (who is a school teacher) I waved, and he waved back. I remember being glad I looked decent...my kid looks decent, and we were on our way to doing something decent....then it popped into my head.
I am like all those people we used to make fun of. Full face of makeup, hair pulled up..leather shoes. I am the middle class. This was really brought home to me the other day.
I took my daughter to a bowling alley to meet up with some friends.
I stood there half in and half out of middle class suburbia.....I looked around, flannel shirts, tight jeans, lots of hairspray, and bad teeth. Beer, loud music and loud talking, loud laughter. One half of me remembers being in places like that. I remember that quite a few of them are good people.
The other half of me is mentally screaming "No way in h*ll my fifteen year old is going to stay here without adult supervision, and- I wonder if anyone is breaking into my car as we stand here.
I could feel the people there looking me over and judging me in much the same way I was looking them over and judging them. I didn't fit there, and they knew it. What they didn't know was that I used to. We left, I didn't let my daughter stay and wait.
When we got in the car she said "Jeesh mom, the only thing missing were the prostitutes."
Not a clue. That was not somewhere she would hang out AT ALL.
It's a weird perception shift. It's nice. I spent alot of time, energy and money hoping that my kids could think that way (and they do). I never knew that I would. I am not sure whether it's a good or bad thing. Neither I guess. As long as I still have a sense of humor and don't get a poker up my butt and become a stiff I should be fine. I am glad I have lived in two different worlds, it gives me some perspective on the more ridiculous aspects of the life I am currently living. It's a reminder that an image is just that, an image.
I tweaked something in my leg on my walk/run yesterday.
I hope it feels better by tomorrow.
Today is a regular calorie day, no exercise.
Hope everyone is doing fine.


Last workout for the "week".....

Was today.
I know it sounds weird, but I go Thursday through Tuesdays with Wednesdays off. Well, that is except for last week when I took off on Tuesday instead of Wednesday; so instead of working out six days in a row, I worked out seven. So, over the last week I got seven workouts in. I had four at the gym and three outside. The four at the gym were good and intense. The walks were 3.5 miles (very cold), 3.6 miles (relatively warm) and todays 3.0 mile walk (very hilly). During the last two walks I ran parts of them. I am still holding to my 'monthly' weigh in which isn't due till November 18th. I have no doubt I shall crack about two and a half weeks in and hop on the scale just to check. At last weigh in I was 210, next weigh in I am shooting for 202.

Thanks for all the kind comments yesterday. I don't intend to turn this into a spiritual blog, but the idea that I was leaving out a rather large component of what was helping to keep me on track has been bugging me for a while. So, there it is.

I have been thinking about my goals for the end of the year and into the next.
I know I want (and am going to be) under 200 by January 1rst.
I am not good at projecting where I will be by next July.
Next July I am going back to Ohio and michigan to see my family.
Every one notices a difference now.
I want the same experience that http://learningtobeless.blogspot.com/
experienced. The same kind of confused, I don't think I know her....omg, it's CHRIS kind of reaction.
but hey, If I am going to be putting 14 months into something, I want a real reaction. So, I was thinking of a kind bootcamp/fatcamp thing from April 18th-July 18th. (we are going at the end of july).
Some sort of bootcamp I create myself....like 1400 calories and picking up the activity level.
When I was in the army, we would do our morning pt...which was usually a 2-4 mile run and then calisthenics. Then later in the day we would do a ruck march. It started small, but by the end we did a 25 mile ruckmarch, full kit. That was 2 months of physical training.
I went from 156 to 136 in two months. It would be the kind of all for nothing approach I dig- and it may well put me within stiking distance of goal weight. I will have about two weeks of driving around and visiting. When I get back from my trip I will make my final drive for goal weight. But really, I would like to be at least a size 10 (down from a size 24) when I go back. I am an 18 right now, and I think if I dig deep it's within reach.
Well, them's my plans.
Hope all is well with you guys.
Have a great night.


The Heart of Change....

Alright, I'm about to get all biblical up in here....(forewarned is forearmed I always say lol)

What was the start of change....for me.
I will tell you.
It started at my Lowest point.
My lowest point was 2005-2006.

My marriage was falling apart after years of deployments, alcoholism and denial.
I had a miscarriage because the state of my health had deteriorated to the point that carrying a baby was nigh on a physical impossibility.

I was burnt out cause I had been homeschooling for years. I had no one to really talk to. NO support to speak of, no family nearbye...and I had finally, yes finally made ONE Friend. But after moving so much and leaving friends behind...I was even tired of trying to make friends.

I found out my big brother had AIDS.

This put a dent the size of texas in my whole hearted Faith that God works all things for good for those who love him.

My brother had been abused in an awful way. Ran away from home at sixteen, ended up in a texas penitentiary at 17...got out at 27. Got hooked on Drugs by 28 and by the age of 33, was diagnosed with full blown Aids and was given two years to live. (He has outlived that prognosis by the way). He was completely estranged from his family and was living in a basement.

How could a God who was a loving God allow the kind of life my brother had led?

I knew that alot of the bitterness and unforgiveness my brother carried was causing some of the issues he had, but still...when was he going to catch a break?

I stood in a movie theatre parking lot, ripped that fish off the back of my car and whipped it across the parking lot and literally, to the amusement of spectators, gave God the finger.

Nope, when it comes to suffering...no one could call me job. (Did I mention that I have a temper)

After that I grew more and more distant from my feelings. It got to the point that other people didn't really register with me. I was just going through the motions. I didn't feel anything. Not happy, not sad...nothing. I thought " I have given everything, and I have nothing".

I really thought that. Sad.

I had been trying so hard for years to 'make things better'. I was going to 'fix' my husband.
I was going to teach my children, I was going to make the 'right' decisions. I was going to be the rock of everyone's life. You could count on me. It burned me out, period.

I said I believed in God, but what i did was make myself God.
I didn't see that though.
I was pissed at God...when i should have been pissed at chris .
Then my little brother called me and asked me to come to his wedding.

I was going to be the only one there. No one else could come. So I said Yes, Chris to the rescue, Chris will help, Chris will tote the bride around.
I was so down, that I was shopping in a christian bookstore, in preparation for my trip, when I came across a sermon called Suicide watch: Sauls suicide. I bought it. all 70 dollars worth.

I thought it would talk about depression. I thought it would have soothing words of comfort that I desperately thought I needed.

I was dead wrong.

It was about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR LIFE. Of course I didn't know this until I was in the back of beyond, Utah.

Back of beyond...Utah

I listened to it. The first time through, I was thinking of all the other people that should be listening to this. The second time through I was offended.

The third time through (I was driving through Utah and it is a loooooooooong state) I started to listen.

When I listened I finally woke up. It talked of the seven sins that lead you to fall on your own sword. One is arrogance. I never thought I was arrogant. My husband was arrogant, I was simply strong minded ;).

I was arrogant in the assumption that i could be everyone's rock and not fall or falter, or that everyone or anyone even expected me to.

Another is denial....um, I had denial down pat. So much denial I had to listen to this sermon three times before I applied it to myself.

This sermon was like some one had taken the mirror I was holding to the world and turned it around and shined it right in my face.

I talked a good game about God, but did I pray? Were my thoughts and actions towards others, including my own family....integrated with the way I was speaking and acting? No.

I was bitter. I was angry that my marriage was a mess. I blamed everything on my husband. But took no blame for myself.

As one preacher famously said "you say you can't trust his judgement, well your right...look who he married."

I was a little girl parading around trying to look like an adult. Too afraid to say no, Too afraid to really fight for what I wanted. Too afraid it would all fall apart and I would be alone, never realizing that as a child of God..you are never alone.

Losing a baby that quite frankly, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't want to carry.

I was afraid of being pregnant at that weight, afraid of bringing a child into a marriage that was crumbling. Just Afraid.
Then afraid that i had 'caused' the miscarriage through bad thoughts or being overweight. I had quite the God complex.

For a believer, I was a fraud. I didn't trust God at all.

When I realized that, I realized what position I had tried to take. That obviously it wasn't working my way. As was evidenced by my life. I was very good at pointing fingers, but lousy at looking at myself.

Nothing was ever 'in my control'.
In my victimized mind, I was fat cause I had two kids to take care of (good mother's don't take time for themselves ya know). In my victimized mind, I had a lousy marriage because my husband is an alcoholic who was never home. (I picked him. hello)

There is always a way to blame someone else for the predicament that you are in. I chose him. I chose to eat what I ate, when i ate and how much. I chose to homeschool, I chose to be alone, I chose to be the saviour of the world (and do a lousy job). I chose to stop drawing, stop reading, stop taking care of myself...and ultimately, to stop caring at all.
I was on my way back through utah, listening to this sermon yet again when I decided to unload my baggage. What that means is this.

I was offloading everything I didn't have any control over.
I had no control over my husband's decisions regarding whether he chose to give up drinking, reenlist or any of it. I couldn't control his feelings or his decisions. I gave it to God.

I gave alot of things to God, and I took back one thing.

Response-ability for the choices I had made.
You know what's awesome about acknowledging that we are responsible for our own choices?
As mary j. blige says "it's up to us to choose, whether we win or lose, and I choose to win".
(This may very well be the first hip hop christian testimony blend)

I stopped feeling resentful of the time spent at lessons for dancing and karate. I stopped feeling as if my time were being stolen from me by things like endless dishes.

Instead I decided to feel grateful.

Grateful that while I had made quite a mess of my marriage, there was still one to salvage. That while I sometimes felt overwhelmed, i had the two greatest kids in the universe. That while yes, I was fat as h*ll...I was still breathing.

The biggest decision I made was to note the sin in my own life, in my own heart and really learn to forgive others for whatever pain they may have caused me. I truly believe that we do what we do because it's what we know, and when we know better we do better. (Thank you Maya angelou)

That was four years before I decided to lose weight. but, in reality...it was those decisions. The decision to let go of the things I couldn't control, the decision to learn to forgive, and the decision to accept responsibility for things I could control that allowed me to mature enough to let go of the food as a source of happiness. To recognize it for what it was doing to me. To know that if I didn't kill my obsession with food, it would kill me. So, When I finally handed my body over to God on May 18th of this year, in much the same way I had handed my marriage over in 2006...I meant it.

In between December 2005, when I handed over my marriage till July 4th, 2006 when God accomplished what can only be called a miracle in my marriage. I talked to my husband maybe four or five times via email. He was in Iraq for the fourth (and thank God, final) time. On July 4th, 2006, God brought about an event that caused my husband to quit drinking, get out of the army, get counseling- both personal and marital, and restored our marriage.

That is why I believe in God. He works. Things I had tried for over a decade to accomplish, were done, just like that.

I handed over my body on May 18th. I said God, I can't do it, I know I can't. You take it.

And he did. I have lost 54 lbs in a little over five months. The only time I slip is when I start to think it's all me.

And then there is my big brother. What possible Good could come of my brother getting Aids.

I will tell you now. When my mom hadn't heard from my brother that summer of 2005, she went to the basement underneath his friends house to see him. He was covered head to toe in a rash, weighed 98 lbs and had pneumonia. She took him to the hospital where he found out he had Aids.

What good- He stopped doing heroine. He apologized for all the pain he had ever caused my mom. He moved back in with my parents and now has a loving relationship with them. He has two nieces he is getting to know. He has a girlfriend. He has friends and a life. If he had continued on the path of drug addiction he was on, I doubt he would be here today. Are there consequences for the years spent doing things the wrong way? Yes.

But I truly believe God is restoring the years the worms have eaten. It is bitter sweet, and I thank God for every Good day he has left.
You may ask why I wrote this.
I wrote it because of this Girl. Amy Jensen.
I went to a website about weight loss, and found a link to her testimony.
I cried like a baby, and I took her question to heart. Am I running my race, or God's race?
I realized that while a young girl was willing to give her testimony, I hadn't bothered to give mine. Amy's funeral is tomorrow. She died just a day or two ago...here's the link.

I said I would link to it, and so I have.
This is my testimony.
So, Weight loss. It's about what you CAN control. Letting Go of the things you can't. And don't you dare say it....cause that poem used to bug the crap out of me. lol.
I hope you all have a great night,

I ate 1590 calories and did a 3.5 mile walk today....with you know who's help.

p.s. This sermon is called Sauls suicide: parts 1-6 by T.D. Jakes. It's on youtube.....Free. lol.


Seven days.....and an nsv.

Hey all,
How's it going. Well, today was the start of another week.
I have two new recipes I am going to try this week. They are both from a weight watchers cookbook my mom sent me last christmas. Yes, that would be BEFORE I started losing weight...but we won't dwell on that.

One is chicken stuffed with sundried tomato and feta. The other recipe is a sausage, bean and spinach soup. The both look really good. I am trying to find new meals to replace some of the old meals.

Yesterday was really busy. I woke up, went down to angel food with my daughter and two of the other girls from my girl scout troop. We helped hand out food for an hour.

Then my youngest and I stopped for a pumpkin at Walmart. I got home, did dishes and laundry. Then at 3 we had a 'pumkin carvin party' to attend. There were about 25 kids there, all carving their own pumpkins. We stayed for two hours and had a great time. I met several neighbors and I carved an intricate pattern my little one picked out...it was of a witch and a ghost. It didn't look too bad.
It was a nice fall day.
Then as we were leaving the party, my neighbor to the right of me was walking about fifty feet ahead and she stopped, turned around and came back and said; "I just wanted to tell you that you look incredible. What have you been doing?"
Now, this is the first person either unrelated to me, or not a close friend...to make a comment.
I was very happy she noticed, but then realized she was actually waiting for me to respond to that second part. You know....this is the part where I say "I ate less, and exercised more."
Which can come off as a little smart *ss if you're not careful.
So I said " I eat about 1600 calories a day and exercise six days a week.
(eat less and exercise more)
She says "oh, well you look great."
I said "Thank you".
We moved on.
Why do people never want to hear, I ate less and exercised more?
I know I didn't.
Seven months ago.

So, I went to the gym after that and did the precor for 60 minutes.
Tonight, I went to the gym and did 50 minutes on the precor and
10 minutes on the STAIRSTEPPER.
I thought I was going to heave. My goodness. Why is it soooo hard.
I made it though. ;0) Kept it to 1600 calories or less both days.

My plan for the week then.
At least 80 oz. of water a day
1 hr. of exercise/ 6 days this week
2 serv. fruit/3 serv. veggies per day.
1500/1600 calories per day
7 hrs. sleep per night min.

That's it for the next seven days.
Hope all is well in your world and that your "eating less, and exercising more'. lol.


A perfect moment

I was remembering something the other day....some of the best times in my life had absolutely no dollar value attached. They came on me in unexpected ways.

When I was in high school, I liked to write poems.

Now, I don't write poems anymore, but as an angsty teen...big thing of mine.So my English teacher let me and two other students from our high school go on a poetry retreat.

It was up in the top of the lower peninsula of Michigan...not far from Traverse City. It was a cabin on Grand Traverse Bay, Lake Michigan. We got to stay there for two days, three nights.

It was beautiful...

Here's some pictures, I had to use two cause there just aren't the pictures to do it justice.

It was rolling hills full of trees leading right up to the water... so this.

On the last night we were there, lying under trees just off the beach, were me and two or three of my friends. We were staring up at the underside of an old oak tree when Gwen, (one of my friends) begins to recite a poem that I had never heard before.

I found out later that it was a very popular poem. But it was magic the first time I heard it.

It was dark and the moon was shining through the branches of the tree. The breeze was drifting through the leaves, rustling them. It was autumn, but warm. I could see the moonlight shining off the surf and could hear the waves washing up on shore...and nothing else. The beach looked bleached white.

And Gwen said:

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

It wasn't hokey or contrived, it was one of those moments where the poem was already so alive that it just seemed natural.

I cried.
It was a perfect moment.
A moment when you feel at peace with yourself.
A moment in time when the world is a beautiful place.
Full of creative, warm, funny and interesting people.
The weekend i spent bouncing ideas, and words, and images off the people around me,
was one of the best weekends of my life.
Lying there under the trees, and the stars, and the moonlight,
with people unafraid to appreciate the beauty around them.
There are very few times in your life you get to feel that way.
So now, when I am in the middle of the everydayness of my life
I like to remember that.
It helps me relax.

I want more of that.




absent without leave...

I will be writing really short posts this weekend and I wont be getting around to people's blogs as much as I would like to...
So don't do anything really huge, like reach goal or something...till I get back lol.
I have parent teacher conferences for my oldest, A water heater on it's last leg, bills to pay, laundry to do, ornaments to make and you name it...plus getting my exercise in.
I will post a short summary of my day and my weight and my calories and exercise to be accountable....but not much else unless something hits me between the eyes.
Like Jack's blog the other day.
I have a long way to go with this weight loss thing...eighty pounds or so.
Every day I learn something from somebody in blogland. You really are incredible people.
I hope everyone is doing well and on track.


Climbing out of your well dug hole.

I hope this post doesn't come off too rough.
I don't intend it to.
I read Jack's blog today.
He talked about digging vs. climbing.
You're down there with your shovel (spoon)
digging for all your worth.
Deeper, and deeper, and deeper into a hole.
It's hard work. Not backbreaking.
I read today somebody has dreamed of being thin since they were young.
It broke my heart.
I know what the invisible wall feels like.
The well dug hole.
It gets so dark that you will listen to anybody.
Just try this pill, it will speed up your metabolism.
Try this diet, you will never be hungry, you can eat all you want. The weight will FALL OFF.
So you dig in those directions.
But you keep hitting bedrock.
They don't go anywhere.
You hear faint voices overhead saying...whispering....
Eat fewer calories, eat more vegetables and fruit....stop using food as your source of happiness...
Exercise at least 3-5 days a week....
You look at your shovel, you think of HOW HARD YOU'VE BEEN DIGGING.
If I lay this shovel down and I succeed, what will that say about the years I've wasted.
The years I spent dreaming instead of Doing.
This shovel is all you have.
This shovel is all you know.
The voices above say "You have to start climbing."
You say "But I have this big frickin' shovel."
They say "You have to put down that shovel to climb out".
Don't waste one more year.
The first step is the hardest...
You can do it though.
You say "I don't know, I don't think I can."
The voices say "We didn't think so either".
Every person who has succeeded at this weight loss thing, they have done it by doing.
We have all dreamed of being thin, but we kept waiting for a miracle.
You see...I never thought it could really be that simple.
Eat fewer calories, move more?

It is that easy.
I just had to put down my shovel.

I ate 1610 calories, did 10 minutes on a rowing maching, 50 minutes on the precor and stretched. Still climbing.





You need it.
I spent years with this tape in my head...
Although I didn't realize that I did...
My tape said, "Fat*ss". "Moron" "stupid".
Or some variation. When it was obvious that was what was going on, I could combat it. When it was on low, and everything else was at the front of my mind...I didn't notice. These kinds of thoughts are not productive, they are destructive.
In my mind, there were no room for mistakes. I had been taught early not to get in the way, and to not be a burden. Mistakes were not tolerated.
At least not mistakes made by me.
I viewed any mistake or failure not as a learning experience.
I viewed it as a symptom of my "moronic fat*ss's" failure to plan, failure to think, failure to do.
Because of my assumption that any mistake was not a mistake, but deliberate stupidity...I didn't like to try new things. If I couldn't do it perfectly, it didn't get done.
In my world, there was no such thing as a 'learning curve'.
I created quite a little box for myself. Sure it was crafted by other people's hands, but once you become an adult, you become a willing participant.
I had one or two friends. I had a hobby....that I didn't do anything with.
Nothing I drew was "good enough".
Then one day I woke up and said, "Would I treat my daughters like this?"
Would I treat my friends or family this way? Would I ever, ever, ever want my daughters to limit themselves because they viewed themselves as somehow inferior or unable.
Some of us had less then stellar childhoods.
What we have to do now, is remove that abusive, faulty tape that was recorded by mentally unhinged people. We have to replace it with a tape of our own choosing.
Mine is voiced by Charles Ingalls from Little house on the prairie.
Sad? Maybe.
Necessary? Definately.
I needed a voice that told me to try, even if I failed.
I needed a calm reassuring voice that said "You are a great person'.
In my mind, when I read the bible....When I found out that God had planned me, that I was no mistake, that I had a soul to take care of...I have to put a voice to it.
So, I did.
Did it make a difference.
It sure did.
Me and my little brother (who I took to church, who I practically raised cause my mom had to work all the time...I taught him what I learned from the two sources available to me.)
We grew up and had good lives.
All the lessons I learned about how to be productive in life, I learned from Church and Little house. It was what I had. It served me well.
We don't all have access to psychoanalysts, personal trainers, life coaches and transcendental meditation gurus.
We do all have access to public parks, libraries, church, and walmart.
We can go to Walmart, pick up cheap workout gear...
go to the library and check out workout tapes and then head to the public park and take a walk or a jog. You can be your own life coach (or let God, that's what I try to do).
If you were your life coach, would you fire you?
One year ago I would have said YES.
My life coach made me fat and miserable.
Now I would give her a raise. lol.
Change your tape.
Give it a loving voice, make it say what you would say to someone you loved.
Then write out the things your life coach would have you do.
Get rid of the toxic people, eat better, get some sleep for God's sake, watch a funny movie, don't beat yourself up so much, go for a walk...make a new friend, read Chris's blog (if you like it, natch).....;0)

I ate 1600 calories, worked out for an hour and 15 minutes and burned 550 calories...I am on track.

have a great night...
Talk to you tomorrow.


10 lbs and life to go......

Well, it's two and a half months till my countdown to (w)onederland.
My plan for the next month is to hit the gym six days a week, (wednesdays off)
My calories are going to be between 1500-1600 calories. My next weigh in is on November 18th. I am hoping to be around 202 lbs. My goal is also to keep my head in the game, and to keep a positive frame of mind, and not let little things get me down.
Again, I would like to thank everyone who makes kind comments on my posts and the people I look up to here in Blogland. I get inspiration on a daily basis from all sorts of people, All sorts of blogs. I started this blog so I could receive the support I needed from the positive, upbeat and good hearted people I have ‘met".
I hope my blog can be a place where people can feel good about what they are reading. That I can, maybe through my actions, over time, give some people some inspiration. I don't think I have all the answers, but I have the answers for me. If someone has some of the same questions, then maybe the answers I found for me might help them.
I know my blog isn't for everyone. If you don't like it, don't read it.
I do this for me. I need somewhere to air my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I am up, sometimes I am down.
I know I have a long way to go before I have had anywhere near the success some people have had. But I hope over time, I can show that I mean business. I hope everyone is having a great day and that you are being successful.
brighter post tomorrow.
P.s. The song 'Right down the line' by Gerry Rafferty (along with Thank you by Led Zeppelin) are my two favorite love songs. I am not much of a romantic, but man, who wouldn't want a guy to say that to her? I would.


Yesterday....is dead and gone.....

Welcome to Chrisbodia, Day one, Year Zero.
This is my philosophy....
or in modern speak,
This is How I roll....
Yes, Everyday is Day one-
Year zero.

What does that mean? Just this....
Yesterday is yesterday. It doesn't count for Today.
I did great Yesterday.
I lost 52.4 lbs in the Last Five Months.
Woo hoo.
You know what it means Today
Jack sh*t * (*See below)
If I don't workout TODAY
If I don't eat right TODAY
If I lay down and quit on myself TODAY.
Those 52.4 lbs lost will be nothing but a memory,
A memory that will soon be sitting on my big fat behind....... again.
Unless I lay down Yesterday, and pick up Today.

It works the same way with what you didn't do Yesterday.
There is nothing you can do about your yesterdays.
Did you screw up?
Did you let someone down?
Did you blow the only thing that mattered to you, but you didn't realize it till it was gone?
Do you think your best years are behind you, so what is the point?

I have a better question.
Are you breathing?
Did you wake up on the right side of the dirt this morning?
This is your new start.
You still have a shot at creating the kind of life you have always wanted.
Do you have barriers erected in your mind?
I know I did.
Boy I wish I had had piano lessons when I was a kid.
Why not start them now?

Boy I wish I had learned how to defend myself when I was a kid, I wish I was a black belt.
Why not do it now?

These are only rules in your own mind.

And here, here is the final lie we tell ourselves.
We say, I've failed at this dieting thing over and over and over..

Yes you can.

What you have to stop doing is looking for the shortcut.
A favorite saying in our house is this:

"No way through it but to do it."

There is no barrier in your way.......But YOU.

There is no magic pill to make you thin.
No Magic surgery that will cure a mind that isn't well.
No fat fairy to come and take your fat away...(personal problem ;0P)

There is just you.
And I know, through the years you have told yourself many things.
I am a cow.
I am worthless.
I don't deserve it.

Now you need to tell yourself.
I can.
I will.
I am.

Have a great week guys.
Will be back up tomorrow night with my New Plan for the next two and a half months.
It's My race to (w)one-derland. Join me, won't you....and start running your own race. We'll cheer each other on.

(*Jack Sh*t is a wholly owned subsidiary of Jack Sh*t industries....this is a different Jack Sh*t, and any resemblance between the Jack Sh*t on this blog and the Jack Sh*t blogging personality is completely coincidental.....nuff said)

Weigh in For the month...

Todays weight 210 lbs. I lost 8 pounds for the month and right now, I have lost a total of 52.4 lbs. This is also my Five month fativersary. So 52.4 lbs in five months. Pretty good.
Five months ago Today, I was wearing a size 24 pant. I now wear a size 18 pant.

Five months ago, I could walk about a mile. Today I can walk 3.5 miles with no problem.

Five months ago today, I would go grocery shopping and get worn out.

Today (or I should say yesterday) I took my girl scouts on a half mile hike, cleaned up the house, then went to the gym and did 55 minutes on the precor and five on a stairstepper.

If you are thinking about 'going on a diet'. Don't. Change your life instead.

Make sure you are aware of what you are eating, calories, fat and vitamins... the whole nine yards. What you put in your body matters.
Start moving. You will feel better and the weight will come off. More importantly, you will feel better about yourself. As Hanli from fertile healthy put it so eloquently, your life will "start expanding" (instead of your rear.)
Make a commitment to Take care of yourself for the rest of your life, and in five months time...you may have lost 52 pounds and feel (and look) a whole lot better.
Have a great Sunday,


Does it feel like this?

Sometimes Do you feel like this?
One fall and your done?

That's why you need this....

Support. I found in my journey to getting healthier, one of the main components that is different this time was simply who I told.
I told everyone.

Even you. I told people, and trusted that they would support me. And they have. You have.

It makes a world of difference.

The difference between falling and having no one to catch you.

And falling and having someone to catch you.

Or in my case, forty nine someones who follow my blog.

Add in my husband and kids, my mom...my brothers...my in-laws and before you know it,your weight loss journey looks like....

So tell someone, ask for help....
Give yourself some leverage and move that mountain off your shoulders, and let someone help you lift it.
Have a great Saturday.


Today counts....

back from redneckland.....
I felt like crap today....I didn't want to go to the gym, i didn't want to eat right, I didn't want to 'miss' pedestrians crossing the street.
I was in a baaad mood. I don't know why.
The only thought that got me through besides "weigh-in is on Sunday" Was
Every day counts.....even today.
Today counts.
I know how we in fatsillvania like to tell ourselves that we will start tomorrow. We will just 'take a day off'. Tomorrow never comes and today turns into weeks, months and years.
Today Counts.
So, IF i managed to scarf down 5000 calories...it counts.
If I keep my calories under 1600, (which I did).
It counts.
It all adds up.
If I skip my work out and do four days instead of six...thats 1000 calories I DIDN"T BURN.
If I workout even though my head is pounding and I want to kick the next skinny witch I see in the back of the head for no good reason because I am in pain, I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this workout...why do I spend hours and hours and hours and hours here.....
Guess what.
The calories I burnt in that craptastic workout that I really, really, really didn't want to do...
I burned 525 calories I would not have burned if I had sat at home feeling guilty and then you would have seen this headline instead...

I blew it...I didn't workout today.

Except that I did, and it counts.
So if you wake up tomorrow and think, "If I have to eat one more lowfat yougurt, or explain my weight loss strategy one more time...someone is going to lose a limb"...
but you eat your yogurt anyway....you explain why it's important to some clueless nob again anyway...It all counts.
So, for those of you who got up today and slogged through...even though you didn't want to...
Guess what.
Today Counts.
Your one day closer to where you want to be, you did it. Good job.


NSV...ogled by a redneck

Yes sirree,
just when I thought getting my butt pinched by my husband yesterday would be the highlight of my week.....I reached a new milestone in my weight loss efforts.
I was ogled by a redneck.
How did this happen you may ask?
Well, I stopped by the 7-11 (well known red neck hang out)
I forgot to eat lunch so I was there to pick up some pistachio nuts and water before I went on a hike.
I get in my mini van and proceed to the intersection, pop a pistachio nut in my mouth when I felt like someone was STARING AT ME.... I look to my left and lo and behold, there is this dude leaning out of his old ford truck grinning, and staring at me. So, I am like okay...maybe he thought I was someone he knew and now he knows better. So I do the sideways look...and he says...HEEEEEEEEEEEEY....
then thankfully the light turned green and i got to leave.
So, NSV...I am no longer invisible to red necks. lmao.
Did a 3.5 mile hike/walk today. Kept my calories to 1650 and now am up for title of "Queen of double wide trailers".
Hope you were leared at by a strange, slightly dirty redneck today as well....
Chris (double wide queen)


Take that!...fast food....

Well, I didn't want to cook tonight so I asked my darling husband and kids if they would like to eat out. They said YEAH!!!!
Those poor people haven't had a hamburger in months. We were what you might call fast food "heavy users"...in my case it was an appropriate moniker. In theirs, not so much. It wasn't healthy, but there you have it. It's been about five months since we last saw a burger joint drive through. I took them through, then I went to subway and had my six inch sub with veggies. It's five hundred calories total if you count the black olives, which I do. I also had ONE onion ring. I counted it as fifty calories merely for the joy it gave my mouth. I didn't want more, just wanted a taste, and a taste was enough. I didn't feel deprived.
The best part of this story was when I got back in the car and my husband said "I didn't recognize you from behind".
Then he pinched my butt.
Which I am taking as a compliment.
I kept my calories at 1560 for today. My weigh in is in four days, and I am hoping for an 8 pound loss for the month. We shall see. If I do, It means I will be 210 lbs and about a month and a half away from (w)onederland. A place I could not even see the horizon of when I started in May. It's been eight years since I've seen 210 lbs. 9 since 190, which after (w)onederland, is my next big goal...

Wait. No, you know what, make that 189. 190 was what I was stuck at for a year and a half, once I hit (w)onederland I am headed for the one eighties, screw this half *ssed crap. I'm going, who's coming with me?
I knocked it out of the park today, I did an hour on the precor...five miles and 570 calories, then 96 sit ups (36 crunches then 3 sets of 10 on left and right obliques)
Hey fat trainer, (sean) I have been doing those ab exercises you gave me...they have been awesome. If you haven't been, go to Fattrainers site, you will find a link on my blog roll. He isn't currently working as a trainer but he has some really awesome tips on exercises if you ask. If you're like me and can't afford a trainer, it can be really helpful...So thanks again sean! Once I ditch fifty more pounds and you can actually start to see my abs, I will take a picture.
well, hope everyone is on track and headed in the right direction.


alles in ordnung

or everything in order....
ser gut....feeling german tonight for some reason...hey karen, chime in if you got a couple.
I spent today not too overly focused on weight loss and more focused on getting my house in order. Putting together a schedule, seeing what we have laying around the house in case...oh I don't know....we morph into the weimar republic and i have to spend the next five years making clothes out of curtains. Not that I think that is likely (even though I think that is likely)
Lets say I am feeling a little down on the dollar today. I may not have to worry about dieting in a year or two. So, how are you all?
I just realised that while I can make a loaf of bread....(this was an experiment from a few months ago...you wouldn't believe how hard it is to make bread) I can't grow a tomato, or sew anything but a straight seam. I wouldn't know what to do with the south end of a chicken if one presented itself to me....
Time to read and practice I do believe. I am not sure why, but I feel tick tock tick tock , like somethings coming. Now, I don't believe it's all bad, I think America may well rediscover what she is made of in the next few years. I do think it's going to be quite the adjustment. I think I'll start now. I know this is a weight loss blog, and I have no plans to go survivalist extreme here. I just thought I would let you all know what I was doing today.
I kept my calories to 1550, and organized my closet and did all the laundry.
Hope alles in ordnung in your world.
Chris uber alles.


my really sh*tty award....(I'm aglow)

I would like to thank Jack Shit for this award....
(oh my God, he likes me...he really likes me...)
Okay, Sally Field moment over...

In doing so, I would like to point out
Jack's contribution to the weight loss blogging community....

His endless nights spent tapping away at his keyboard. In the process,Finding new and unique ways to rework songs by artists too old, fat, or dead to care...for the amusement of we....the fat blogging community.

His second contribution would be simply his name....Jack Sh*t.
He has inspired me to eat Jack Sh*t, and in the process, lose a bunch of weight.

The third thing He has done is to create the league of extraordinarily fat Gentlemen.
In saving Tom during their last adventure; He ensured that the Plethora of Perpetually Plump Womyn have their mandatory monthly meltdown and a built in weight loss holiday.
bwahahahahhhaaaaaaaaaaaa...It was all a part of our bloody and fiendish plot, Jack Sh*t.

moving on...

The fourth thing Jack Sh*t has contributed to the weight loss community is his incessant weight loss....I mean, week after week after week....he loses weight. Making others look, well-lets face it, less committed to this sh*t than Jack.

The fifth thing Jack has done is to be red headed. Meaning he has a temper and If ya'll don't keep losing weight...Jack may have to cut a B*tch.

The sixth thing he has contributed is ending world hunger, bringing about world peace and he has personally banned the eating of all donut bacon cheeseburgers in the lower forty-eight. For that we WOULD have awarded him the nobel peace prize, but apparently, in our confusion, it was already given to someone who has DONE jack sh*t. woops.

The seventh and final thing....
and this is serious. He honestly cares about others and you will find him on my blog, on your blog, and on many many others, rooting people on. He actually cares. It isn't just about him. I have a feeling that not only does he do this in blog land, but that he does this with the people he meets daily in real life. It no doubt makes him a man worth knowing.
So Thank you. I take this award with pride. It goes to the top of my list.

Have a great night ya'll


Knowing what you want...

I realized something tonight. Finding out what you want in one area can really lead you to looking at other areas of your life. I have alot of changes I need to make to be completely happy. Things that *gasp* I can't even talk about on this blog. Needless to say, it's personal. It's going to take me awhile to really figure out how to make things happen. In the mean time, I will just keep working on my weight. Hope everyone out there is doing well.

I did a three mile walk in 28 degree weather. It felt good. I ate 1750 calories, that's not good. I will be back down to 1600 calories tommorrow.

So resolution...it really is all about knowing what you want. Do you want years of resentment sitting there building up....or would you rather get it out. Even if it means that the relationship isn't the same anymore. Do you want to face your abuser and tell them how they made you feel. Do you want to tell your spouse about what it is you want. Or would you rather spend the next forty years waiting for them to die so you can be happy? Just a question.

You have to decide one way or the other, and if you don't decide, don't fool yourself...you've made a decision..a decision not to decide and hope that time, or inertia takes care of the problem for you. But, when you allow outside factors to dictate the outcome, it's rare that you'll get what it is you want. Physician heal thyself...

Sometimes factors are such that what action you CAN take, you can't take. Because the harm caused would be too great. In that case it's better to bide your time and wait. In other cases....DO IT NOW. life is short.

So, to move on....
Go out and Do it....




I don't know what unch means, but it popped into my head...I think it means, I got nothin'.
I have something but don't want to dig that deep tonight. So it's unch.
I went to the gym. I did about 65 minutes on the precor. Part of me felt like going longer, but the machine shuts off. I did my situps and pushups really fast tonight. Kind of like what I saw jillian micheals do on her video on you tube. I can't afford to buy anything right now, so you tube has to suffice. It was kind of neat and I sure knocked out those 36 situps and pushups alot faster. It was done in like two or three minutes. I can see how that could be cardio if you did like a half hour or something. I could also see me in the hospital after the first twenty minutes...we'll build up to that.
Gym roofs are ugly, just sayin...sick of looking at the bad lighting. Have these people never heard of soft light. There probably is better lighting at 'high end' gyms. Nobody wants to see their cellulite via flourescent overhead lighting. What it comes down to is this, people working out deserve not to have a headache when they finish.
I ate chicken and asparagus for dinner...not bad. I have been keeping my calories at or below 1600 for a while. Once I hit 200 I am setting them at 1500. I think the lowest I'll go is 1400. I like food.

Well, Hope everyone's saturday is going well,
Cold and snowy here,


Do or Do Not...eating triggers

There is no try...
Easy for me to say, Right? Not really.
That's why it's my mantra, my motto, my puffy paint on cheap t-shirts.
What does it mean?
To really see what it means lets look at something simple. Touch your nose.
Now, you either did or didn't. Lets go to the fridge and have a look.
What is your favorite food. For me, it's popcorn. If I buy the popcorn, then pour some oil in a pan, pour in some popcorn, pop it, put butter and salt on it and then ingest it...well that is about seven things I DID to ensure that I had that snack of death. So, I do not buy it. Ever. If it's my high calorie day, I have to go and get the bagged kind and pop it in the microwave. Which isn't my favorite, but I will still eat.the.whole.bag.
As I once heard someone say, if you don't put it in your mouth...you can't eat it.

If you can't control what you do and don't eat, how can you control anything else in your life.

I thought I had complete control of everything except what I was eating. The truth was the reverse...I was eating because I didn't have any control and the only thing I could control was what I put in my mouth. I didn't want to deal with everything else. My feelings, my relationships, things that I wanted that I didn't feel I was capable of achieving. Choices I had made that I regretted.

The first thing you have to find out is what trips your trigger. I knew that all weight loss efforts failed once my husband returned from deployment. I thought it was because we argued. That the stress from the arguments was what was derailing me. So I was resentful. But, I finally had to connect the feelings that I had toward men and conflict to my childhood to see what it was I really feared.

I was the peacemaker in our family growing up. I didn't want to be any trouble. I felt like I was in the way, a mistake, a burden. When you feel this way, or you have had someone in your life that has made you feel this way as a child. It isn't something that you 'grow out of'. You carry it into other parts of your life, Usually intimate relationships and friendships. The words "No problem' should have been tattoed on my forehead. I know woman are like this, but this was unhealthy. As I said before...I didn't want to drive people away with any demands. I wanted to be 'worth having around'. Not a burden. So I never let anyone shoulder some of my burdens. I never shared when I was in pain, or if I was scared, or if my feelings were hurt by what someone else had said or done. I allowed people to think I was tough, unflappable and bullet proof. I could be counted on for anything. If I felt sad, I ate. If I felt angry, I ate. If I felt alone, I ate (which was nearly all the time) You can't feel un-alone if you never share your feelings with anybody. If nobody knows you, how can you ever feel like you arent alone?

I had to pinpoint my triggers. I was afraid of being left. My biological father abandoned me before I was born, the man who had signed my birth certificate didn't want to be a father...my mom divorced several times and in my mind, the only person I could count on was me. I had a trust level of zero. Then I got married to an alcholic. We had a lot of really wonderful times, but as anybody who has dealt with an addict knows....they lie to cover their tracks....and they lie alot. hmmmmm. Do you think I picked a man that lied because I knew how to pick a man that lied. You live what you learn. Now this isn't to pick at my husband. He is a recovering alcholic. He picked an enabler....that says alot. We are getting better together.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes we make choices in our lives because it's all we know. So, what I am saying is this....You control what you put in your mouth. If you can accept that truth, then you move on to why you put things in your mouth. If you are overweight, for 90 percent of us it isnt because we are hungry. So, something else is driving it. Maybe you want a party in your mouth. Maybe so. But, if you are trying to lose weight and you keep binging, you are using food like a drug addict uses drugs. You are using it as a substitute ___________. What? I don't know. Love, affection, hope, comfort, a finger to the world, to strike back at your husband? To strike back at your mother/father/sister/brother/friend? Why? To fill a hole that needs to filled with love, or friendship or a child, or dreams, or a better marriage, the mother/father/childhood you wish you'd had.

I read this once somewhere.
Think of your favorite food, and now I want you to think of what it makes you feel like when you eat it. Warm? Safe? Happy? Comforted? Excited? Or How does it make you feel when you are about to eat it?
Then take those feelings you get from the food and look at your life, past and present. I bet you find what the trigger is. For me, food was a comfort and a protector, it was always there, it wouldn't leave...cause it's food. I controlled what I ate and how much and nobody could tell me I couldn't. It was the only place in my life I could ask for and get, exactly what I wanted. It couldn't say no. It also created the fat shield that made me invisible to men. I am sure many of you are wondering how I met my husband. I met him after me aforementioned 'army diet'. I was thin when we met. It was a small window in time, about one and a half years...where I was thin. then I slowly began to gain weight.
Accept that you control what you put in your mouth..
Know that food is doing something for you that is more than just feeding you.
Identify the emotions you are getting when you are eating the food.
trace those feelings back to your life...where are the parts of your life that are lacking, Maybe it's a who or a what, or it's something you are needing and didn't get somewhere else. There is usually a consistant trigger though. If you write it down, kind a stream of consciousness thing, sometimes you will write things that surprise even you. There are alot of ways that you can find your triggers. Talk to your mom (if it's a healthy relationship) and ask her when you started to gain weight. Think back, think about people you know and the feelings you get when you think of them. These are a few methods you can use. Once you know what these triggers are, you can start trying to settle or resolve them.

Now facing and resolving mean different things to different people. The levels you are going to have to go to are as individual as the reasons we overeat.
If you can identify the feelings and the triggers though, You will be alot further along on your road to getting healthy. This isn't linear by any stretch.
Sometimes emotions will sneak up on you. But if you can catch all frontal attacks and talk and think your way through them. If you can get emotionally from people or situations, what food used to do for you at least 90 percent of the time..you'll succeed long term.
Tomorrow I will talk about resolving.

well, thanks to everyone for their kind comments yesterday. I really appreciate the support I get on this blog. It helps immensely. It's the support and comfort that I used to get from popcorn. :o)



illegal weigh in....Major milestone...

I did it, I cracked.
I stepped on the scale after three weeks of torture.
I am glad I did. I have lost 50 lbs. 50 LBS.... I weighed in at 212. My last weigh in on September 18th was 218. So, six pounds in three weeks. Right on Track. I will still weigh in officially on October 18th. But let me just state for the record, I have now lost my eight year old. weight wise.
I went for my three mile walk WHILE IT SNOWED ON ME. It is october people. It isn't supposed to be snowing. I want my carbon offset back. I am sure I purchased three sequoias at some point, in the hopes that My minivan didn't flood the peoples of southwest asia. Yet, here it is...snowing in October. Oh, that's right...it isn't global warming it's 'climate change'. Which means congress will tax the crap out of you While you freeze your *ss off. A government for the people, by the people...or something. Sorry, almost went all constitutional on you..
Back to the fat.
Tomorrow it's back to the gym and Christian, my precor.
Hope all is good with you and I am thinking of taking my blog in a slightly new direction. Kind of the mental aspects of weight loss and working through them. If anybody thinks this is a good idea let me know, if everybody thinks this is a craptastic idea, let me know...gently lol.


Why (die)ts fail 2....or (how to quit failing)

back for more? wow. So, Yesterday we talked about the mental crap that gets in the way.
Humor me...take your hands and put them in prayer position, then link your fingers.
This is how the mental and the physical work. I know some of you want to skip to the last page of the book. The page that says "I am thin, I am fabulous and my whole life has fallen into place".
The thing is, we got fat for a reason. You have to go through the whole book to understand the end. Each chapter has been written and those experiences inform your decision making. I know for me, My weight was the product of a disorganized mind. A mind that didn't know how to cope, I had a faulty compass. Everything in me screamed PROTECT...PROTECT...PROTECT. I was using food like a drug to numb my feelings, and as a fat shield that my faulty programming told me would protect from anyone who tried to harm me.
It's like a necklace thats knotted. If you don't take the time to unravel the mess, it's not going to straighten out. If you don't know what's pushing your buttons, no diet is going to help you.
Because when those buttons get pushed, you will revert.
For instance. I had a fear of rejection and abandonment from my childhood.
Now, that IS in the past...However, a bad argument with my husband would happen and I would get far more upset than the argument called for.
It was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that feared being left, or being alone. It was also what made me afraid of saying no, of disagreeing, of stating what I wanted. I was afraid that he didn't love me ENOUGH to want to do any of those things I asked for. So, I never gave him the chance to say yes or no. I never asked at all. I just ate to fill the void that the fear left. I couldn't have told you at the time what I was afraid of, I never stopped to sort it out. What I am trying to say is, you can fast forward through this portion of recovery; But, This is the foundation on which you will build your future success.
The last chapter of this part is where you forgive the people who hurt you, you open yourself to all the possibilities life has for you, and you start creating the life you want by letting go of the fear and anger.

But if you are in a mental state where you are holding on to your anger, you don't want to face what's eating you, and you just want to skip to the end....you can do that, but you will probably fail.

I know, I did it on numerous occasions. I would lose weight when my husband was gone,but would find myself uptight and tense when he was home. I would turn into an eating machine. I realised that I was constantly walking on eggshells. It was mostly my own doing. But, you train people how to treat you. If you lay yourself out like a doormat, people are going to wipe their feet on you. You have to heal enough to know your own worth. To learn how to ask for what you want. To know what you want.
If you can't tell me what makes you want to get up in the morning, that is a red flag. If you can't tell me what makes you happy, red flag. If you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, cause you have never had one modeled, so you keep attracting loser friends and loser boyfriends. red flag.

If you can't look in the mirror and love who your looking at, you aren't going to find the strength to make this change or to give yourself the love you deserve, because you aren't going to think you deserve it. The first time someone disagrees with your time spent at the gym, or how your changing the food you buy, or gives you a hard time about going on that walk, buying exercise equipment or trying a new class...you will cave. Because you want to be loved and accepted more than you want to become whole and healthy.

I know alot of you are probably wondering why I am so open about my life. I will tell you why. It's because of what I have learned from it. I know God has me here for a purpose. I have a feeling its to let people know that they aren't alone, they aren't freaks, that what they are feeling, thinking and doing has been done and has happened to others as well. I want to tell you what I have learned. One of the greatest things we can do in life is learn from others mistakes and others triumphs. I hope by telling you where I have succeeded and where I have failed,I can help you avoid the fifteen years it took me to get to where I am now.

Everyone knows HOW to lose weight...eat less and exercise more.
I count calories, I exercise six days a week. I am a 5'3" woman....I weighed 218 as of September 18th. I eat 1500-1600 calories a day and exercise 1hr and 15 minutes six days a week. Yes, I am losing weight...on average 2 lbs a week. But if I would have eaten this way five years ago, I would have already quit by now. I would have gained back every single, flippin' pound. Why? Because I didn't know what made me tick. I know myself now. I know that when I get on that scale and see a loss, my first reaction is happiness...five minutes later I will have a ball of fear in the pit of my stomach. It's the fear that as I get smaller someone will notice me, someone may try to hurt me. I know it's coming and I can fend it off now. I CAN talk myself through the fear and not be blindsided by it.

I know that I will disagree with my husband, and that he does love me enough to listen to me, to hear what I am saying and to not leave me.

But, what if he didn't? What if he would leave? That's a question some men and women are out there asking right now. That's when you have to ask yourself if that's what you want to settle for. If it is, at least know yourself well enough to know what you are doing. What you are willing to give up. Perhaps you have children and you just don't want to tear your home apart and when it comes down to it, the bad outweighs the good. At least you will be making your decisions with your eyes wide open.
You see, getting real about what it is you fear, and what is reality....that's a part of getting better. That is why sometimes, large weightloss leads to the end of relationships. When you love yourself enough to get better, people who feed off your insecurities become threatened. This could be friends, lovers, spouses and/ or parents and siblings. You have to know yourself, know why you want to lose this weight and be willing to pay the price to get there. Or Know why you are keeping this weight and maybe in time, you can come to the place where you are willing to face things head on, whatever it means. You have to be ready to accept the good and the bad. You have to want it so much, that you are willing to let something else go. I heard a preacher say today, nothing is too hard for God, but to get what you want, you have to let go of what you have. Your going to have to let go of your old relationship with food, and go out into the world and learn to deal.
I want to be healthy so I can run again, so I can be a good example for my kids, so I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I HAVE DONE, So I can live a long happy life and live it to it's fullest every day. That is why I want to be thin. No amount of food is worth it. I can feel again, I can take chances, I can find my passion.
That is why I know that 'this is the last time'.
This isn't a (die)t. It's who I am. Now.
My passion is art.
The last thing I drew:


Why (die)ts fail.....part 1

So, as I said yesterday...I am going to write a post specifically about (die)ts.
The first reason (die)ts fail is simply this, (die)ts don't work. I am talking about (die)ts with a capital D. The thing you start on monday. The magic formula that will transform you into Paris Hilton. Calorie deprivation with an expiration date. A 'way of eating' that ends at the perfect number. Then you can 'go back to doing what you've always done.'

I wanted to write this post because I have seen a lot of posts on different blogs lately that should have this big, fat, red warning flag flying over them. The warning flag of impending disaster, of (die)t failure. In fact, if you look at my blog roll on the right side of my page, you will see a blog that hasn't been updated in months. Her last post. "I lost two pounds, time to up my calories". Red Flag. I leave it there as an illustration, as a warning. You all can quit at any time. You can flip that switch, you can tell yourself "I've lost enough". or, "This is good enough"....or "I am just going to take a week off. " Then the week turns to months, months to years. I know. I've been there.

I know all about why (die)ts fail. I have been on all kinds. I have been on the Army (die)t. That's where you join the army and you have no choice...running five to seven miles a day and hiking 20 will take the fat off you. NO matter how much food you stuff in. (When you have the time.) I have been on the starvation diet. Eat as little as possible, starve and go to the gym....you lose weight, but the idea of living this way for. the. rest. of. your. life. has no appeal. You raise your plump little fist in the air and state triumphantly "I'll never go hungry again". They'll just have to accept me as I am, I was born this way, I don't look that bad. Sound familiar.

That's when you try the "I'll just walk daily and eat moderately" diet. Well, except for the trips to fast food restaurants, birthday parties, holidays, and girl scout cookies. Or when your pissed, your sad, your depressed, your lonely, your bored, you had an argument with your husband, it's movie night. You say to yourself "Hey, but I'm walking 3/4ths of a mile with my very good friend and my children every day. That has to count for something...yeah, try thirty something more pounds.

Then You decide to GET SERIOUS. You have to DO SOMETHING. You are SO FAT. How can I get this fat off me? Where is that 'right diet'....the magical combination of food that will cause me to STOP CRAVING FOOD. The (Die)t that will Fix my messed up relationship with food. The diet that will be the answer to ALL MY PROBLEMS.
For me, this was Atkins. It would get rid of my sugar cravings. It didn't matter how much I ate, I could eat TILL I WAS FULL. It was perfect. Just what I'd been waiting for. Screw those shmucks who keep telling you to eat a healthy, balanced (die)t with fruits and vegetables. My weight was going to fall off. This would be the absolute LAST (DIE)T I WOULD BE ON.
I lasted six months, I lost 25 lbs. When I stopped doing Atkins,, my heart beat irregularly, I stunk, and I was done. I thought...I'll do south beach. So I did. Except I was hungry ALL THE TIME. I gained every pound back. You see, I was never full. There was always more room. Because it wasn't physical hunger.

I quit. My final decision was quitting quitting.
I was never going to (die)t again. I got pregnant not long after I quit Atkins. I weighed 239 pounds. I miscarried. I went to the doctor and He said "Maybe if you lost some weight, you could have had a better chance of carrying that baby".
You would think that would have woke me up...but it didn't. I slid into a depression that lasted over a year. That year was a blur. That was the year of katrina, my miscarriage, my brother's aids diagnoses, my husbands 2nd and 3rd tour to Iraq, my friends husband's death in Iraq. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I felt so far removed from life, the only thing that kept me going was the dailyness of it all. Get up, do school, clean up, go to bed. I started taking Kate to a self defense class. I watched this dude who was so full of passion, teaching these kids how to protect themselves. I thought "Where is my passion?"
I didn't have any. I felt dead inside.
I took a five day trip to vegas to see my little brother. On that trip I made quite a few decisions. The biggest one was this. I only have control over me.
Then as I thought about where my passion for life had went, I realized that I had never really had any. It was beaten out of me when I was young. If I wanted some passion, then I was going to have to discover it.
That was my second big discovery. That discovery was this: It's not what I'm eating, it's what's eating me. You see, I had read self help books out the wazoo. I had tried everything I could think of to NOT CARE ABOUT MY PAST. To let it all go. The things was, I never dealt with the crap. Really dealt with it. I mean in your face, I am going to settle it, once and for all....deal with it. Telling my mom how I felt growing up. (check) Calling he who shall not be named in person and telling him he was an abuser. (check) Finally telling people how my (not biological)grandfather had called me his "petite princess" and had touched me inappropriately.

It was Learning Not to gloss over my marriage issues, learning to face people head on...no matter how frightening it was. Instead of simply responding to the needs, wants and desires of others. I had to learn what I needed, what I wanted, what I desired. I had to deal with my sh*t.
If you don't deal with your sh*t, you will never lose weight. Oh, you might drop 100 lbs. but you will gain it right back. If you don't figure out why you are fat....and I hope to God that for the majority of you, it is really as simple as; "I like to eat."

For rest of us: Our fat is our protection, our gaurdian, our friend. Oh, out loud you don't call it that. You want to get rid of it. You hate it.

But, have you ever really looked at it?. Have you never looked at why? If you have started losing weight, someone notices and then....you binge. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there is a deeper reason than just, "I like food." If you find yourself eating when your not hungry, to fill a void, to feed the loneliness, it's not just, "I like food'. If you keep getting to a certain number and are unable to pass it, there is a bigger reason. There is a mental block to going lower. You are going to have to figure out why.

You need to understand why before you will ever lose the weight. If you understand why...that is the first step in fighting back. The very first step in reclaiming your life. Understanding why is the key to unlocking the mystery. You have to understand it, and then face it...and then resolve it.

My fat was a combination of physical, sexual and mental abuse as a child.
I wanted to A.) protect myself by being 'too big' to harm. B.) Making myself as physically unattractive as possible to ward off any sexual interest and C.) It was a middle finger to the world, a way of saying "I don't care what you think, I am not here to decorate your world."
Except that I did care, I was miserable fat, and I was miserable thin.

Once you understand what your fat does for you, then you need to ask yourself "Why do I want to be thin?" IF you don't know why, then you have no reason to really obtain that goal. You will quit halfway through, because your reasons for being fat, the pleasure of food, the protection it gives you, will always outway something you are doing for no real reason at all.
I know my answer, do you know yours...
quick clue....if it's to look good for the ten year class reunion in the next six months...red flag. If it's to save your marriage...red flag. If it's so you can be loveable....red flag. If it's because you think being thin is going to make you happy, I have a newsflash. It won't.
Tommorrow is part two. Good reasons to be healthy, to be fit....and how to really get there. I know some of you out there are thinking, what is this chick talking about...she's only lost 44 lbs. How can she know that this time is the final time. I will tell you, tomorrow, how and why I know.
God bless,


over the top and under the bus...

Well, Tomorrow I am going to blog about dieting, and dieting and dieting until you just can't diet anymore. Until you just want it to end. You can't spell diet without die.
But today, someone was kind enough to think of me when they thought of the 'over the top' award. I am not sure what the 'over the top' award is supposed to stand for. But given my new way of thinking, I will assume it's something really good and move on. I actually worked on this last night. So here goes,

1. Where is your cell phone? non-existent
2. Your hair? greying
3. Your mother? Michigan
4. Your father? unknown
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? bizarre
7. Your favorite drink? coffee
8. Your dream/goal? 128
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? drawing
11. Your fear? mediocrity
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
13. Where were you last night? gettingDaughterfromhomecomingi'm.so.old.
14. Something that you aren't? Subtle
15. Muffins? Nope
16. Wish list item? Spain
17. Where did you grow up? podunksvilletown
18. Last thing you did? Bloggery
19. What are you wearing?tinkerbell pjs
20. Your TV? Cheap
21.Your pets?two
22. Friends? Several
23. Your life? Busy
24. Your mood? impish
25. Missing someone? with every bullet (I am keeping this one...thanks fitcetra*)
26. Vehicle? used
27. Something you’re not wearing? thong
28. Your favorite store? Walmart
29. Your favorite color? Delft blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Karen's blog #25
31. Last time you cried? Rascal Flatts song called "Why?"
32. Your best friend? God
33. One place that I go to over and over? The Past
34. One person who emails me regularly? extenz....
35. Favorite place to eat? Carabbas

Well that was that....
I am not going to tap five million people, cause I already did that....
I am sending this to Jack Sh*t-because I think he has topped out on song rewrites and I want to see what he does with this....he's a pretty witty fellow.
(not priddy widdy, although he may be, I just don't know)
I will also send this along to joania and that fellow from south dakota (I pull 400 watts), thats for running 31 miles...if anything is over the top, it's that.
Went to the gym, Did one kick butt hour on Christian. I burned 515 calories and a few brain cells, then did my usual sit ups and push ups. Quick question. If its a large mat, like 8x8, do you share or do you wait for the other person to get up? I waited.
I wore my "Do or Do Not, there is no try" t-shirt. I could feel people trying to read it. It was the only clean t-shirt, I usually just wear it on my walks, *see a few posts back for my walk* It is in 3 inch letters on my back and the TRY is over my rear end.
Luckily I have a wide load, it makes it easier to read. Hope everyone is OTK and doing fine.
I will be writing a 'serious' post tomorrow. Not sure if that's an invite or a warning.



It is getting harder and harder to stay away from the scale. It's calling me...

I 'feel' like I am losing weight, but without the magical pound device.....I just don't know. Strangely enough, it's almost having the same effect as weighing daily. This is nuts. I know there are sooome who weigh 'once a week'. (what a nutty little idea )
I don't think it matters though. I am crazy.
I could weigh once a week, once a month or once a year. It's obvious I am going to obsess one way or another. Maybe I am just afraid that I might go off track. You know, like your supposed to be headed to florida and you end up in Alaska. What if I am sleep eating (I don't really believe that)
I am not sleep eating. I am not overeating. I am eating my regular calories and exercising and I am probably three to five pounds lighter than when I had this insane idea to not weigh myself for a month. October 18th can't come fast enough.
I just found this new blog which is really awesome...
It's Joania's blog and you can find it on my blog roll to the right. She just ran a 5 k. I am impressed cause she is in her 190's. It's really given me alot of inspiration to try things that I think I'm too 'big' for. (as if I am king kong or something)...
Watch out, fat lady running....hide the children.
anyway....stream of consciousness....not so good. I had a really nice walk today. Three miles. It got a little chilly at the end it must have dropped 30 degrees in twenty minutes. I was wearing a t shirt. As much as I do like the out of doors, I may have to give it up for a few months and head to the gym. Just think, weird gym guy six days a week and that strange smell that's part sweat, part hot rubber.
I already have dreams that involve bad flourescent ambient lighting.
Speaking of strange gym phenomena. I am on Christian (my precor is named after Christian bale, hey if carlos has a lucy....I can have Christian...this will be the only time I'm ever on him)....so, I am on Christian and there is this guy who is three rows up on his recumbant bike. Dude is sweating so hard I thought his water bottle was leaking. Nope, it's coming off his arms and leaving PUDDLES. Worst part of this story, yep, you guessed it...he DIDN'T WIPE HIS SWEAT UP WHEN HE LEFT.
Gross out in 3...2...1....
That was nasty.
I will never drop anything in the gym without washing it ever again.
Hope all is well with you guys...


This is me NOW...

Hello everybody in blogland,

I just got finished watching a Hannah MOntana movie. It was cute. And, it actually ties in with something I was thinking of earlier after reading sean's post (a daily diary of a winning loser) today. He said that sometimes his determination and drive makes him SEEM less loving than he really is.

I know what he means, and maybe some of you do too. You see, I used to think taking an hour at the gym would be 'stripping' my family of valuable time in which I could be doing a number of things. Things like:

grocery shopping
picking up various messes
driving them to some lesson
watching a program with them
making Them a snack.
planning a party
running to the store at the last minute...

Everything was more important than my health.
I put my health at the bottom of the priority list for so long, that when I looked up my 20's were gone and so were half my 30's. I was 5ft. 3 inches tall and 262 lbs. When I lay down at night, I could barely swallow and my heart would stall and race. My back hurt, my hips hurt, and my feet hurt.
When I would get up in the morning, pain would just shoot through my heels and I would hobble around until it was bearable.
As I wrote once before, My turning point started in a build a bear workshop...I was standing there waiting for my youngest to pick out an outfit when I looked up and saw a fat, uncomfortable woman standing across the room. It was a mirror facing me.
Then I realized it was me. I was the fat, uncomfortable woman in the room.
I wasn't 'pleasantly plump', or comfortable looking. I wasn't even 'matronly'.
I was fat and sloppy.
That's when I realized that I was SICK AND TIRED of being the fat one. I was sick and tired of feeling 80, when I was only 35.
I deserved better. That's right....let me say it again.
I know some fat people never cared about others and only cared about themselves.
However, I think a lot of fat women tend to prioritize themselves underneath the family pets. Even the cat comes before you....
Well honey, sometimes you have to realize that if you don't put yourself on the list, it ain't never going to happen. So I did.
Each day I say..."Time for my walk" or "I am headed to the gym".
I don't take the kids...now some may say...oh that's terrible...this is a great time for family fitness.
Except that it isn't. It's a stroll that does nothing to raise the heart rate, or drop the pounds. I know, I did it for years. Strollers and walks to the park. IT DOESN'T CUT IT. You have to get in there and work out hard. If you want to take another walk later, you can....but you have got to devote yourself to really working out. I used to think that the women who went to the gym were selfish...
I was actually being selfish...you know why. I had no energy to do anything once we got there. I couldn't run and play, cause I was TOO FAT. Now, when I do take my kids to the park, I am right there with them. Playing. I want to get out and do more because I am not HALF DEAD.
People might try to make you feel bad or guilty about taking an hour to an hour and a half a day just for you, let me tell you something. People who do that don't care about you. They care about themselves and their perception of right and wrong. You have got to take your own life in your own hands and make it what you want.
When someone says "You aren't acting like yourself".
You say "This is me now."
That's it, no explanations necessary.
God bless and Hugs,