back for more? wow. So, Yesterday we talked about the mental crap that gets in the way.
Humor me...take your hands and put them in prayer position, then link your fingers.
This is how the mental and the physical work. I know some of you want to skip to the last page of the book. The page that says "I am thin, I am fabulous and my whole life has fallen into place".
The thing is, we got fat for a reason. You have to go through the whole book to understand the end. Each chapter has been written and those experiences inform your decision making. I know for me, My weight was the product of a disorganized mind. A mind that didn't know how to cope, I had a faulty compass. Everything in me screamed PROTECT...PROTECT...PROTECT. I was using food like a drug to numb my feelings, and as a fat shield that my faulty programming told me would protect from anyone who tried to harm me.
It's like a necklace thats knotted. If you don't take the time to unravel the mess, it's not going to straighten out. If you don't know what's pushing your buttons, no diet is going to help you.
Because when those buttons get pushed, you will revert.
For instance. I had a fear of rejection and abandonment from my childhood.
Now, that IS in the past...However, a bad argument with my husband would happen and I would get far more upset than the argument called for.
It was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that feared being left, or being alone. It was also what made me afraid of saying no, of disagreeing, of stating what I wanted. I was afraid that he didn't love me ENOUGH to want to do any of those things I asked for. So, I never gave him the chance to say yes or no. I never asked at all. I just ate to fill the void that the fear left. I couldn't have told you at the time what I was afraid of, I never stopped to sort it out. What I am trying to say is, you can fast forward through this portion of recovery; But, This is the foundation on which you will build your future success.
The last chapter of this part is where you forgive the people who hurt you, you open yourself to all the possibilities life has for you, and you start creating the life you want by letting go of the fear and anger.
But if you are in a mental state where you are holding on to your anger, you don't want to face what's eating you, and you just want to skip to the end....you can do that, but you will probably fail.
I know, I did it on numerous occasions. I would lose weight when my husband was gone,but would find myself uptight and tense when he was home. I would turn into an eating machine. I realised that I was constantly walking on eggshells. It was mostly my own doing. But, you train people how to treat you. If you lay yourself out like a doormat, people are going to wipe their feet on you. You have to heal enough to know your own worth. To learn how to ask for what you want. To know what you want.
If you can't tell me what makes you want to get up in the morning, that is a red flag. If you can't tell me what makes you happy, red flag. If you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, cause you have never had one modeled, so you keep attracting loser friends and loser boyfriends. red flag.
If you can't look in the mirror and love who your looking at, you aren't going to find the strength to make this change or to give yourself the love you deserve, because you aren't going to think you deserve it. The first time someone disagrees with your time spent at the gym, or how your changing the food you buy, or gives you a hard time about going on that walk, buying exercise equipment or trying a new class...you will cave. Because you want to be loved and accepted more than you want to become whole and healthy.
I know alot of you are probably wondering why I am so open about my life. I will tell you why. It's because of what I have learned from it. I know God has me here for a purpose. I have a feeling its to let people know that they aren't alone, they aren't freaks, that what they are feeling, thinking and doing has been done and has happened to others as well. I want to tell you what I have learned. One of the greatest things we can do in life is learn from others mistakes and others triumphs. I hope by telling you where I have succeeded and where I have failed,I can help you avoid the fifteen years it took me to get to where I am now.
Everyone knows HOW to lose weight...eat less and exercise more.
I count calories, I exercise six days a week. I am a 5'3" woman....I weighed 218 as of September 18th. I eat 1500-1600 calories a day and exercise 1hr and 15 minutes six days a week. Yes, I am losing weight...on average 2 lbs a week. But if I would have eaten this way five years ago, I would have already quit by now. I would have gained back every single, flippin' pound. Why? Because I didn't know what made me tick. I know myself now. I know that when I get on that scale and see a loss, my first reaction is happiness...five minutes later I will have a ball of fear in the pit of my stomach. It's the fear that as I get smaller someone will notice me, someone may try to hurt me. I know it's coming and I can fend it off now. I CAN talk myself through the fear and not be blindsided by it.
I know that I will disagree with my husband, and that he does love me enough to listen to me, to hear what I am saying and to not leave me.
But, what if he didn't? What if he would leave? That's a question some men and women are out there asking right now. That's when you have to ask yourself if that's what you want to settle for. If it is, at least know yourself well enough to know what you are doing. What you are willing to give up. Perhaps you have children and you just don't want to tear your home apart and when it comes down to it, the bad outweighs the good. At least you will be making your decisions with your eyes wide open.
You see, getting real about what it is you fear, and what is reality....that's a part of getting better. That is why sometimes, large weightloss leads to the end of relationships. When you love yourself enough to get better, people who feed off your insecurities become threatened. This could be friends, lovers, spouses and/ or parents and siblings. You have to know yourself, know why you want to lose this weight and be willing to pay the price to get there. Or Know why you are keeping this weight and maybe in time, you can come to the place where you are willing to face things head on, whatever it means. You have to be ready to accept the good and the bad. You have to want it so much, that you are willing to let something else go. I heard a preacher say today, nothing is too hard for God, but to get what you want, you have to let go of what you have. Your going to have to let go of your old relationship with food, and go out into the world and learn to deal.
I want to be healthy so I can run again, so I can be a good example for my kids, so I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I HAVE DONE, So I can live a long happy life and live it to it's fullest every day. That is why I want to be thin. No amount of food is worth it. I can feel again, I can take chances, I can find my passion.
That is why I know that 'this is the last time'.
This isn't a (die)t. It's who I am. Now.
My passion is art.
The last thing I drew: