You need it.
I spent years with this tape in my head...
Although I didn't realize that I did...
My tape said, "Fat*ss". "Moron" "stupid".
Or some variation. When it was obvious that was what was going on, I could combat it. When it was on low, and everything else was at the front of my mind...I didn't notice. These kinds of thoughts are not productive, they are destructive.
In my mind, there were no room for mistakes. I had been taught early not to get in the way, and to not be a burden. Mistakes were not tolerated.
At least not mistakes made by me.
I viewed any mistake or failure not as a learning experience.
I viewed it as a symptom of my "moronic fat*ss's" failure to plan, failure to think, failure to do.
Because of my assumption that any mistake was not a mistake, but deliberate stupidity...I didn't like to try new things. If I couldn't do it perfectly, it didn't get done.
In my world, there was no such thing as a 'learning curve'.
I created quite a little box for myself. Sure it was crafted by other people's hands, but once you become an adult, you become a willing participant.
I had one or two friends. I had a hobby....that I didn't do anything with.
Nothing I drew was "good enough".
Then one day I woke up and said, "Would I treat my daughters like this?"
Would I treat my friends or family this way? Would I ever, ever, ever want my daughters to limit themselves because they viewed themselves as somehow inferior or unable.
Some of us had less then stellar childhoods.
What we have to do now, is remove that abusive, faulty tape that was recorded by mentally unhinged people. We have to replace it with a tape of our own choosing.
Mine is voiced by Charles Ingalls from Little house on the prairie.
Sad? Maybe.
Necessary? Definately.
I needed a voice that told me to try, even if I failed.
I needed a calm reassuring voice that said "You are a great person'.
In my mind, when I read the bible....When I found out that God had planned me, that I was no mistake, that I had a soul to take care of...I have to put a voice to it.
So, I did.
Did it make a difference.
It sure did.
Me and my little brother (who I took to church, who I practically raised cause my mom had to work all the time...I taught him what I learned from the two sources available to me.)
We grew up and had good lives.
All the lessons I learned about how to be productive in life, I learned from Church and Little house. It was what I had. It served me well.
We don't all have access to psychoanalysts, personal trainers, life coaches and transcendental meditation gurus.
We do all have access to public parks, libraries, church, and walmart.
We can go to Walmart, pick up cheap workout gear...
go to the library and check out workout tapes and then head to the public park and take a walk or a jog. You can be your own life coach (or let God, that's what I try to do).
If you were your life coach, would you fire you?
One year ago I would have said YES.
My life coach made me fat and miserable.
Now I would give her a raise. lol.
Change your tape.
Give it a loving voice, make it say what you would say to someone you loved.
Then write out the things your life coach would have you do.
Get rid of the toxic people, eat better, get some sleep for God's sake, watch a funny movie, don't beat yourself up so much, go for a walk...make a new friend, read Chris's blog (if you like it, natch).....;0)

I ate 1600 calories, worked out for an hour and 15 minutes and burned 550 calories...I am on track.

have a great night...
Talk to you tomorrow.


Greta from www.bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com said...

Wow Chris. What an amazing post! Thank you. I am back on track, too...and will be sure to visit your blog frequently and keep reminding myself to stay positive and focused on the good things. I deserve to be healthy and fit. I deserve high quality nutritious food. I deserve to be someone who sets a good example for my kids. I deserve to not be held back by my weight ever again!

Unknown said...

I'm saddened by your childhood and how quickly you had to grow up. But look at who you have become and how strong you are now. You have some amazing advice Chris! "Give yourself a loving voice" I love that saying...

Jack Sh*t, Gettin Fit said...

I DO like Chris' blog. Thanks!

Christine said...

Your welcome Jack.

Christine Jeske said...

What a completely and utterly awesome post!!! I needed that tonight! I wish I could HUG you!

Sean said...

I like that, be your own life coach. That is an excellent insight.

Sue said...

That was absolutely incredible, thank you so much. I am always beating myself up - at 43, I don't think there has ever been a time when I have been kind to myself. Thank you for inspiring me to try to do that now. You truly are a wonderful person x

bluenotes said...

I'm seriously on the verge of tears right now. I feel like God has directed me onto internet, onto these blog sites, just to read what you wrote.
I have the same problem of constantly telling myself I'm stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, and I constantly think something is wrong with me. I know that it is from an entire lifetime of a emotionally, verbally, mentally, and physically abusive father and mother. I didn't put those words into my head- they did. And when you're 8 years old or 14 years old or 19 years old, and you hear your parents call you pathetic, sorry, or a fucking loser, you can't help but believe them. Because they are your parents- and you're programmed since birth to listen to what they say, and especially what they think about you.
I don't mean to get personal, and I don't want pity by any means, i just want to let you know, this post spoke words to me because i feel like you wrote this FOR ME in a sense. It's hard to step outside of yourself and say, "listen, i can do anything I want, and I'm awesome" and although I have accomplished many things in my life at only 19, its hard to still give myself credit for them. but now, after reading this, i'm going to give myself credit for everything i've done and be my own number 1 fan.
thank you so, so, so much for writing this.

Christine said...

life is personal...In all honesty, I wish I could put a billboard to let people know that they can create their own destiny. alas, I am poor (or middle class with no money for a billboard). That's what I meant about questions and answers. I had a lot of questions since I can remember thinking. It took me years to find the answers. I still don't have them all....it will take time. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Wow girl. The hits just keep on coming. Thanks for another great one.

F. McButter Pants said...

Great post! I know that I call myself an idiot without even realizing it. I have been much better to catch myself, but still have lots of work to do.

Heavenly Father would not want me to talk to myself like that. So I try not to. When you understand your worth as a soul, it's life changing!

You're doing so great!

Leslie said...

Wonderful post. I LOVE your blog, and your comments on mine. What jumped out at me most here (it all did, but this in particular) was you recognizing that you wouldn't treat your own daughters that way...or give them the same messages you were given. I had the exact same lightbulb come on with parenting my own 3 kids. In fact, even when I was little I remember thinking "it isn't supposed to be like this for a kid." That wisdom came from going to other kids' houses and from watching 50s and 60s families on television.

A therapist told me once that so much of healing and moving on from old hurts involves reparenting ourselves. When I began to treat myself the way I treated my children, I started true healing of my spirit.

Thanks for a beautiful post on your beautiful blog. I like the same music you do, apparently.

Hanlie said...

Hear, hear! I love this post! This is exactly where I am in my life right now and I'm LOVING it. High five!

Life Coaches said...

Great post Chris, you really highlighted for me the power of staying positive even in the face of a lot of turmoil. Its important that each of us goes back to what is really important: being healthy and happy people. If you are happy you make everyone around you happy, and what better gift in life is there than that?

Thanks for sharing Chris, with writing like this, I will be sure to check in more often!