Here on the 'bright' side....

Thanks to you guys who responded to my last post...it is as I thought it was....having traveled this road for five years now...and having healed from my past...
I am on the other side of the looking glass, but able to clearly remember what it was like to be where I used to be...
I have a unique perspective.

It isn't just we, the damaged, f-d up people who don't know how to proceed.
'normal' people....the people who were raised in decent homes...had all expectations met..
have a different set of issues aka hoops to jump.

Mainly normals care an awful lot about what people think.
It really stymies them.
I understand relationships are important..but let me tell you, my fellow damaged (but still here) peeps...
we learned early to tell people to shove that shit where the sun don't shine.
Or we wouldn't be here at all.
I never understood why people admired my ability to ignore the opinions of others...I thought it was just your average, every day coping mechanism.
It isn't.
Normals are encouraged in every step of their existence, to fit in...to be accepted.
It's a lovely, warm feeling to be admired and accepted.
IT started with me after the second year on my blog..
I felt that what I had to say was important.
and that helped in the healing process...but it also caused me to tamp down on expressing doubts, and fears to some extent.
To not confess failure...or heart ache.
I got fearful....
When I realized I had begun caring 'too much'...I knew I needed to shut up and get to know me again.
you can talk so much you lose your authentic voice.
Healing does a number on you.
Who are you now if you don't hold the same beliefs?
Who are you now that you view the world and everything in it in fundamentally different ways?
Who is this person with all this hope?
I am a different person now, than when I started.
It's like looking through a fun house mirror.
I have spent the last year...yes, it's been a year, since I got a job and began re leveraging my marital relationship.
I have spent the last year reclaiming my personal power within my relationship.
That was my last huge hurdle.
The final puzzle piece that I had to be okay with letting go...
And I really got there.And the power shift was immense..and unsettling.
But real and healing.
My relationship with my husband is open and honest in a way it has never been...
and we are becoming friends.
I have learned to draw boundaries and say no.
And I have learned to respect the boundaries of others...what my flaws and weaknesses are...
and I have learned to love myself and others where they are at.
My internal dialogue...when it goes negative, I stop it in it's tracks.
I'm ready.
It's time.
I will post my workout and calorie cap tomorrow...
but mostly I will be posting my thoughts and feelings...they are the key.
Chris out.


monsters in the closet

Sorry I haven't been around lately...I have really been focusing at work.  Not so much on diet and exercise.  that being said....work is going swimmingly.   lol.
My problem is on my work days...I walk all day...by the time I get home and amp down it is one or two in the morning..then I am up at 6:30 am to get my daughter around for school. Using a pedometer I walk around 8 miles at work per day.  But it's just walking...not cardio walking. It's not the same. I need an at home workout.  Because on my workdays. I don't want to go anywhere..and since it's half my month...that leads to working out less.
That being said;

on to the subject of my post.
I have a theory.
I hear all the time about people who, when growing up...were afraid of monsters in their closet or under their bed.

I never had that fear.
I knew that monsters...the ones in closets...didn't exist.
I knew that the only monsters out there...were people.
And I am throwing this out there to my blog people who were raised in abusive homes...and non abusive homes.
did you have a fear of monsters in the closet or under your bed?
I am interested in this idea that being raised in an abusive home may actually BETTER prepare you for adverse conditions and for a more realistic expectation of people....
All of my middle class friends who were raised in a 'normal' environment, have a tendency to expect more from people...they also seem to have more fear of what seems to me, to be fairly mundane issues...like 'will people like me" "What do people think of me."
And their disappointment and disillusionment is usually profound when they find out that people are generally self focused.
Whereas kids who are raised by abusive or narcissistic parents have already figured out early in life that the majority of people are going to look out for themselves first.
Now,  I am not saying this is ideal...because your family should be your first line of defense against the world...and having no buffer at an early age can destroy people.
But people who make it through that...well, they are some tough ass bitches.
Then the real work is letting people back in and trusting....almost a reverse issue.
I think being raised like that, (if you are self aware and don't allow bitterness to overwhelm you) tends to lead to more compassion for people who are down and out.
Just like poor people have a tendency to give more...because they know what being poor is like, kids who grew up rough know what it's like to be alone with no support.
And they don't fear it.
Because they know they can make it.
did you grow up in an abusive household.
Did you believe there were monsters under your bed or in the closet.
Do you fear making choices that aren't popular.

Just questions:
Chris out.