How I crawled out of my hole and became whole.

Hey all...
I haven't written allot because I had plenty to say but didn't know exactly how to phrase it.
That never used to be a problem for me.
Now it is, because I understand how important words are...
I used to think words were just words.
But they aren't.
Sometimes words are the impetus to action, and as long as they are..they mean something.
Words without action mean nothing.
I have been thinking about my long climb out of the very deep hole that I used to live in.
A hole that was at first dug by others...then myself.
And I used to ascribe my ascent..or tried to ascribe it to one or two people or moments..
but the people kept shifting...the moments kept shifting..
Was it here or there.
Was it this moment or that moment....
I was trying to explain it to myself and others...you guys, my family.
And I finally realized that it was more a consequence of little life buoys that were strewn out along my life's path.
Buoys that I grabbed and held on to, and utilized to move on to the next phase of my life.
The moment my art teacher gave me a quarter and told me to grab a cup of coffee and think about my life when it seemed that I had come to a dead end.
Standing on a corner waiting for a cab for a date, and meeting my future husband.
A chance talk with a pastor that leveled a truth at me that changed the way I view relationships, a chance look in a mirror...a miscarriage followed by time and space to think.
These all seem random.
And they could have come to nothing if I had discarded the advice, ignored the opportunity, kept myself too busy to think because it was just too painful.
But in each instance, each opportunity, I grabbed that buoy.
I learned and kept moving forward. 
These chances and opportunities and moments in time with different situations and people didn't get me here all at once...but slowly they pulled me along to new places.

I used to wish that I would just GET THERE.
I have little patience..it's one of my biggest faults.
My final weight..
getting over my childhood...
But I have finally realized that even if I had had a magical rope that had dragged me to my final destination at the speed of light.
I would have had what I wanted..but I would not have been able to keep it.
Because I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn to hold on to what was precious.
I wouldn't have understood how precious peace AND WHOLENESS of mind was...
or how to achieve it on my own outside of circumstances...
if I hadn't gone through each trial and learned it for myself.

We are where we are for a reason.
And at each pivot point, it is up to us to do the hard thing.
The thing that we know needs to be done to let go of whatever it is we are clinging to that is holding us back, and move on.

My whole trip has been toward one point.
I have had two instances in the last month that should have sent me into binge mode.
Both involved men making passes at me.
One was even drunk.
And not one whiff of fear.
Not one twinge.
Just  me.
I probed into my brain last night..trying to see if any of the old triggers would trip.
And all I found was a mind that was sound and at peace.
As if this final step of learning to defend myself, (but more than that. knowing that I would be passing it on)...had finally healed that rotten portion of my psyche that had named me VICTIM.
I no longer want to cling to the anger or the fear.
I was taught to fear by a person who himself was full of fear.

And quite frankly, that is nothing to be afraid of.

My last, worst hurdle was letting go of what I THOUGHT made me strong (anger and fear), and embracing what really makes me strong (compassion and understanding and giving).

I sat in the car last night, in my own body...looking out of my own eyes and felt great.
I Felt the wholeness of me, and knew that I was okay. 
That I have something to give that is of infinite value and that no part of me is defective, or less than. I am not afraid. I am no longer a victim.  I am simply me.  Whoever I choose to make that and whatever I choose to be.
It's freeing and exciting.
Chris out.


Three fingers= no fear

Hello all..
I have been silent on my blog lately because my mind has been a mudhole.
I was unsettled water.
I knew what I wanted, but thought I didn't have a way of moving forward.

There is always a way to move forward.
I was talking to a very good friend today about fear.
About how when we carry around fear, it infects everyone around us..
especially our children.

For years I carried a can't do attitude.
I was stymied by my own mind.
Fearful of THE UNKNOWN...drawing up anxieties out of the shadows of my past.
Convinced there was nothing I could do to change my life.
My oldest daughter picked up on my pessimism.
it's one of the hardest things to see...
That even when we are doing our  best, sometimes we miss the mark.
Our frailties as well as our strengths are absorbed by our children.
The good part...over the last three years, as I have gained confidence and let go  of my excuses and shadow fears...my oldest has  begun to embrace more optimism.
It's never too late to turn a corner and change.

I made a huge leap on September 11th.
I signed up for Vee arnis Jitsu.
The class I have been talking about forever.
It was half off for veterans for the first six months.
I decided it was now or never.
so now it is...
And last night, as I was enduring my second night of class (joint manipulation and arm  bars OUCH!)
I watched the most amazing thing.
I watched my sensei take a six foot tall, 300 lbs person by three fingers and make them do whatever he wanted.
Up they went...down they went....Over they went...
I nearly cried at the simplicity.
And the only thing I could think was this:
If my mother had known the magic finger trick...she wouldn't have gotten her ass beat.
If my mother had known how to defend herself, she wouldn't have been so afraid.
And in turn, my brothers and I would not have had to be afraid.
In that moment...everything I have done or ever will do was crystalized for me.
I want to teach this to women, to girls...
The knowledge ITSELF will impute power.
I felt ten times more self sufficient in the two classes I took
..far and above the miniscule amount of knowledge I had gained
The idea that I could, through technique, win a battle.
I was able.
I just have to learn and apply myself.
I want to learn that, feel that and then impart that.
Fear is a  feeling that you won't be able to control the outcomes.
That whatever may happen, you won't be able to handle it.
I allowed fear to control  nearly all of my decisions for years...
The fear got so pervasive that it controlled what I participated in and who I talked to or what I thought of the future.
and when I see it now in others, it can make me sad/crazy/unhappy...but I do understand.
When fear rules  you..
You project it onto everything around you.
And everything becomes dangerous.
And your world becomes smaller and smaller.
When you strip away your fear through becoming capable..
and able.
And allow that knowledge to seep into your soul...
Your world becomes larger and much more rewarding.
And that is what I want to give.
I want to give women the skills to build their own bridge to freedom.
Chris out.