The hoover dam aint the only thing retaining water.

I like salt...m'kay!

Sue me.
So, yes...I dump some on my veggies that I 'roast' till they are charred.
I love it on eggs in the morning.
I love salt on chicken...
and if I don't put salt on it, then I put something resembling salt.
Like season all.
I love ramen.
I love V8...and no- I don't drink the reduced sodium version because it's bland.
I add salt to low sodium soup.
I know...why did I buy low sodium soup...um..
It was an accident.
And don't put a piece of banquet fried chicken with breading in front of me...
I pour salt all over it...and then make a pile next to my chicken so that when I finally eat the breading off,
I can dip my chicken in the salt.
I have no excuse.
However, this leads to a 'bit' of water retention.
two or three pounds worth.
So during my monthly suck fest where I weigh in...which would be tomorrow..
I have to de salinate.
I do this by eating foods I like without salt.
So basically.
yogurt and granola bars...
and chicken tacos with salsa.
For two days.
Till I am nearly yogurted and granola barred out.
I just ate my granola bar...
I will be eating yogurt with my peaches and honey later.
Another acceptable food is sweet potato with(1 T) butter and walnuts and brown sugar..
I got by with my eggs this morning by putting 1/2 tsp of salt on them and then coating them in pepper and hot sauce.
I had a chicken with peppers and onions and mushroom sandwich from charlie steakery for lunch...no cheese and no salt.
I am hoping the water residing in my ankles will depart and I will hit 160 lbs tomorrow.
If not...well then at least I don't have to weigh in  for another month...lol.
I will at least hit 161. I have increased my muscle mass...I can actually see it.
In my arms. In my biceps and triceps.
Oh, and when I say I 'lift' 45 lbs...It is on one of those machines ( the fly thingy) Not on a weight bench with 45 lb dumbells...so at the most it's 22 lbs per arm.
I aint the hulk, yet lol.
Well, here is to hoping I manage to flush the rest of this water out of my system.
This has been a tough month. I exercised every day but four of them...
I watched my calories like a hawk.
I hope it pays off.
Hugs to you all.
Keep on fighting the good fight.
Your salt loving blogger,


Who inspires me....

Hey all...
I don't do alot of blog awards anymore...not because I don't like them...or am not flattered by them.
I am and I do.
I just have soooo many people I love to read.
I have soooo many people I admire.
Picking out people can feel a little like stepping through a mine field.
LIke tonight.
I have recieved a blog award I am going to accept because someone took the time to pick me out or single me out specifically as someone who inspired them.
To have inspired someone or have someone say you inspired them, Is mindblowing for me.
11 months ago, I couldn't have felt less inspiring.
So I accept the award Sheilagh gave me.
For which I thank her...It means alot.
She designed it herself.
I am to pass it on to six people who inspire me.
Now, I am going to pick people who inspire me.
That doesn't mean they are the only people to inspire me.
But it does mean, that these are people I aspire to be like as people...
Not necessarily weight loss.
So, there are some weight loss icons I am going to skip over who motivate me daily..

Jack, Tony anti jared, Sean at daily diary,  266 who is a machine, and the like. Great people who would get this award (and probably will)....
The people I am going to give this to, are people who have attributes I need work on.
People I hold in high regard:
So, First up is Loretta:
Loretta and her positive attitude...it ought to have it's own zip code.
She has been given a bag of crap to deal with, and she does.
With grace.  With a positive mental attitude. She chooses to start new daily.
I get pissed. I have my little hissy fits..over things like water retention.
I am not as dedicated to a positive mental attitude as she is. So, when I get my panties in a twist...I pop over to loretta's for a mental adjustment.

Second is TJ:
Yes, TJ is a weight loss Goddess...She has had great success in losing weight.....sloooooooooooowwwwly.  For reasons that are outside of her control, she has to do everything the hard way.  The long way.
She does it with a light spirit. She does it with a look to the future. She doesn't complain, or whine or moan.
She just does. and she cooks...well. She is also an encourager,  she cheers others on..
She inspires me to be PATIENT, to take the long view...and try some new food, dangit!

Thirdly....Michelle from my big fat super super obese blog.
I started reading her a while back...and I tell you what.
The one blog that will stick with me for the duration of my weight loss endeavors, is her taking a chair to walmart so she wouldn't have to use the cart.
So she could sit down when the walking became too much, The minute I read that...I knew that someday she would lose the weight.
Anybody that determined has something solid inside. She is stronger than she knows.  I admire her.
And if you swing by and check her out...she has lost nearly ten pounds this last week. I think she is on her way.

Seth...he is new to me...but I admire his dedication to his community and the kids he teaches...as well as his willingness to help others..
I would also like to  comment on his rabid intensity regarding exercise....sometimes when I am reading his blog I feel like I am reading my thoughts in regards to exercise....  He is currently jogging on a broken ankle...so props seth.

Fifth, marilee from the hicks mix:
she is not a weight loss blogger. She is a young lady who is a birth mom.  She did something that I think is incredibly brave. She gave her son the life she wanted him to have by finding him a family to love and love him.
In the process, she is dealing with the heartbreak of being seperated from a child she loves.
In my book, that is the highest form of love. The self sacrificing kind.
She has my utmost respect.

Six, Exquisite Christine my fellow chris mafia peep...
She has just recently begun digging in her coop.  It is hard to start and hard to keep at it when everything in you wants to cover it up and make it go away. She is too smart and brave for that...so she will keep digging.

I would give this to several other people...but it's outside the rules.
I haven't known her long...but Kelli from my journey to a new life....I would definately give one to her so I will lol. (sorry sheilagh!)
Kelli, to start where you are starting from. To love your family like you do. To put others first and to maintain a kind heart.  To help your mother, to start putting yourself out there, to walk in your casts... That is huge. Not to mention you are about to kick this weight loss thing in the rear.
So seven it is.
I love my friend amber but I get to tell her daily what an inspiration she is to me....
The rest of you inspire me as well...but I just wanted to take this time to call out to people who I am so impressed by lately.
They are going places, so drop by and say howdy...
I did my gym workout today....elliptical, 210 sit ups, 36 lower back extensions (40 lbs), 36 lat pulls (40 lbs),
36 tricep extensions (35 lbs) and 36 flys (45lbs)
Great workout, great day.
Hugs to you all...


Barefoot running....

Hey all,
I went to the gym after girl scouts tonight.
I got there around 7:30, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and then thought I would do a three mile walk on the track.
I did two miles and got bored out of my skull.
On the last two rounds of my walk, I remembered that guy I saw barefoot running a month or two ago.
It was dark and about 62 degrees.
It was beautiful.
So I took off my shoes and socks and started jogging.
I did four turns around the track on the grass.
I didn't get any foot or leg pain.
I didn't get out of breath..
and at the end I sped up...I was hauling.
I felt awesome after I was finished.
I may start doing this once or twice a week...
I liked it.
Ten times better than I like padding down a sidewalk..
better than my long *ss walk.
I felt very free.
Have a good night all.

Where are you going?

What I really should have said with yesterdays post.
This is why I shouldn't write when I am fuzzy.
I will give two examples.
You want to go to california...
You get in the car and take off...
without looking at a map or even where your destination is...
You are going to have problems.
The very, very least you can do is look at a map of the us and decide to  head west...
California is a big state.
You will probably hit it at some point.
That is what setting a calorie cap and exercising daily will do for you.
I read a story yesterday about people who had lost massive amounts of weight,
They had gotten down to 'thin'.
Then they were disappointed because their lives didn't magically transform into fairyland.
One woman wrote "I was still a fat girl, in a thin girl's body."
Which leads me to believe that perhaps fat is more a mental state than a physical one.
Don't get me wrong...fat is obviously a physical manifestation.
But You get my point.
She had gastric bypass.
She lost a ton of weight.
She still felt the same.

I don't think that is where we all want to go.
Different body, same destination.
The thing is, I am not done losing yet, and I am a totally different person.
I think I do need to go back and reread my posts.
But When I started my thoughts were
"I am too smart to be stuck this fat'.
'If that bimbo can be thin, what is stopping me?"
I didn't JUST want to be thin.
I wanted to experience life.
I didn't want to be afraid of trying new things anymore.
I didn't want to stand in the back and stay out of the way anymore.
I didn't want to be judged solely on my appearance anymore.
I finally realized that people believe what they see.
I finally realized that  people like, respect and admire people who like, respect and admire themselves.
My destination wasn't just thin.
It was life.
So what I am saying is...
Know what it is you are shooting for.
You may not want to be super fit.
Just healthy enough to enjoy daily activities.
You may be shooting for size 14...
You may be shooting to run in a 10 K and to fit in a parachute harness.
Set a Goal..Set a destination.
Know what you want.
It will make it a lot easier to hit the mark.
If you know where you are headed, and WHY you are going,
It will make saying no to fatty foods easier.
Because instead of seeing what you're missing,
You can see what you are one step closer to gaining.
I wanted to gain control over my body.
I wanted just once, to look at my body as a product of my efforts,
and be proud of what I created.

I want to never again (unless it's outside of my control) be subject to a body that is too sickly to enjoy life.
I want my body to be a help, not a hindrance.
That is what I am aiming for.
Now, second
You have to let go of what you have to grab on to what you want:
What's one of the easiest ways to catch a monkey?
Put peanuts in a jar, and tie the jar to a tree, then wait. Before too long, a monkey will come along, notice the jar, and go over to check it out. Seeing and smelling the peanuts, he'll reach in his hand and grab a fist-full.
Since his hand is in a fist and is full of peanuts, it will not fit through the mouth of the jar, so his hand will be stuck he won't be able to get his hand out of the jar that is tied to the tree.
The monkey will let himself be caught by the hunter rather than let go of the peanuts.
Is the monkey afraid? Yes. He'll be screaming and trying his best to get away. But he knows he has something good and pleasant in his grasp, and he is determined to take that good thing with him as he runs away or TRIES to run away.
The monkey does not understand that letting go of the peanuts is the only way to save himself.

There is no choice about letting go of the food.
That is what I meant.
You can't keep the same relationship with food.
You have to let it go.
You have No choice.   

After that decision, the choices are endless....the possibilities limitless.  But if you don't let go of the food...you will stay stuck.
Chris out...


Remove the word 'choice'

That is what I did.
When I started my 'new life'.
My 'weight loss journey'.
My 'exercise regimen'.

I removed the word choice from my brain.
Good choices...That is Seans phrase...and it's a good one.
He uses it in the context of eating 1500 calories or less a day.
(now 1800 I think)
There was no choice to make about limiting calories.
His choices now all come within the confines of preset barriers to behavior.

I eat daily.  I have to, there is no CHOICE.
I could choose not to eat..but that would be a stupid choice.
I am not cut out for anorexia anyway.
To me, before I paid any attention to what I was eating (or prior to May of last year)...
I thought I was exercising free will.
But I wasn't consciously choosing...I was shoveling in any old thing.
There was no thought involved unless it was bad thoughts about my body.
There were no parameters for my eating.
I started this whole journey with two paremeters.
One was "No more than 1800 calories a day"
(except for my one higher calorie day)
And the other was exercise for one hour a day, six days a week.

You may wonder..."Why does she go at it so hard all the time."
I choose to.
But also...the new parameters I set for myself is one hour of exercise minimum...six days a week.
Cardio suppresses the appetite.
That is why I do at least one hour a day.
I am not going to rely on my mythical willpower to get me through anything.
I have been there, done that..and .had the 3x tshirt.
Now, do I have choices...
I could chuck my paremeters and say...
"I refuse to be bound by artificial requirements such as calorie counting and exercising."
In fact...at one point that is how I lived my life.
Which was why I was so fat.
The point is..everything in life is a trade off.
I am willing to trade in parties in my mouth whenever, and wherever, and however I wanted...
To lose weight, feel healthy and whole...and to live again.

Here is my theory in a nutshell.
If you want success, if you want to win.
Half *ssed effort will not suffice.
Doing the minimum.  Going halfway.
Seeing what I can 'get by with'.
It's not how I roll.
Alix wanted to know why I do 210 situps three days a week.
It seems excessive.
I know she doesn't want me wearing myself out.
But for me...it's empowering.
It's liberating.
It shows ME who is the boss.
Like I said before.
Before I start I say OUT LOUD:
"To discipline the mind and the body".
It is a deliberate act of the will.
I do it when I am sick and when I am healthy.
It is me controlling my destiny.
There is no 'choice' to be made.
I have decided that this is who I am and this is what I do.
I eat to live.
I exercise to train my body.
I don't need any qualifiers...there is no second option.
To give myself another option is to cheat myself, my spouse and my children out of the kind of mother I am capable of being.
I refuse to do that.
It's all in my hands.
What I can control I will control.
No excuses.


It's getting closer...

So I reached one hundred pounds lost..
Whereupon I was going to go out and get a tattoo.
I thought I had it all figured out.
But then I started thinking..
"Hey, that tattoo is a little wordy..."

Which it is.

But Not as Wordy as This.

Think she is sending someone a message perchance....

That's one way to win an argument.
I am thinking of whittling the whole
Because I chose to live deliberately thing
down to:
Live Deliberately
And having a symbol...

Except I will print out the image and instead of a simple eagle tribal tattoo...I am going to make the lines flames along the lines of:

It will be a phoenix...I will be changing the shape of the head and adding in eyes...not black but white with some gold.

Except less feathery and more flamey...I love the shading and the flames around the head, but am thinking of doing black, then purple and then red,orange yellow...like a bright burning flame...I like the silhoutte of the tribal tattoo, the shading the shedding flames which will trail behind my ascending phoenix. I got the color idea the other day in barnes and nobles in the children's section looking at the stuffed dragons in emerald green and cobalt blue and burnt orange...
I also want the tattoo above to be just head chest and wings drifting way into a thin trail of flame...total length no more than 6-8 inches...width 4-6 and it will be going up my left side under my ribs slightly wrapping to the front...the the words live deliberately underneath in script...Not huge...very neatly written.
This way it's easy to cover..I can see it...it's cool and it's private.
And when I die and they are fiddling with my dead body, they can look at the crinkled remains and think...well, I guess she is being reborn in heaven as we speak.
I like it.
I just have to draw it...I can't find a thing I like as well as I like this idea.
It will take me a bit of time to draw it, and find just the right artist to do the deal.
It's permanant.
As such I need to make sure I get a very good artist to complete the work.
I did my 5.6 mile hike today..tomorrow I will be talking about all the exercise I do..
and what in the world I am trying to accomplish with it all.
Have a  great night guys.
Talk at you all later.
Your soon to be tattoo having blogger,


I flew here from cleveland...

and boy are my arms tired....
ba dum dum...
I didn't fly anywhere..I'm still right here, in front of my dilapidated lap top.
My arms do hurt.
I think it was that trapeze last night.
(Not a sentence I'd ever thought I'd type...anywhoozle.)
I did my gym workout.
1 hour elliptical. 210 situps and weights.
Someone asked me about how fast I do my elliptical.
I really don't know how fast fast is.
I get about 5.25 miles done in an hour.
at about a 5 setting.
However fast that is.


Well, I called my little brother today.
He told me that his girlfriend had her appendix removed.
So after asking about her difficulties, I asked to borrow the whole p90x thing...
He said he wouuld send me insanity.
After looking that up, I thought...
"I'd better be ready for that."
So I think in May, I will get jillian micheals 30 day shred and do that every other day with a four mile walk...
and the other three days stick to my gym schedule (but maybe modified...don't know)
should be interesting.

And by interesting I mean painful.

And by painful I mean excruciating.

We shall see.
Hope everyone had a great weekend.
I am in at 1500 calories today consumed...1600 to maintain and about 800 calories burned through exercise for a 900 calorie deficit.
Here's to tomorrow.


I swung on a trapeze

Hello all,
I took my troop down to artsports for some well earned r and r.
They earned money by pimping cookies to the masses, we all get r&r.
It is a place with trampolines, and foam pits and trapezes...
So, in the spirit of 'good fun', I got on one and flung myself into a foam pit, twice.
I had a great time.
I weighed in this morning at 161.
One pound more till I hit my goal for the month.
That being said...I ate too much pizza and am sitting at 1850 calories for the day..
so diet fail, living win.
Back op tomorrow. at 1400 calories...
Back to the gym.
Back to getting to 160 lbs.
by April 30th.
Wish me luck.


Now for something a little lighter...

done digging for now.
It's hard looking at stuff like that..and it's stuff that takes a while to dig through.
MONTHS...maybe years.
I thought I would talk about stuff I have been thinking about lately...
I went grocery shopping and bought some truvia.
It was pretty good' .
I think I could actually use this stuff.
I tried splenda..but it still had that weird aftertaste.
I tried it and had my friend try it.
We both thought it was doable.
So starting tomorrow, I will be using truvia in my coffee.
I also realized how much I dislike eating the same things repetitively...
and my inability to get my family to suck down turkey sausage and bell peppers four or five days a week is starting wear on me.
I am going to try to 'mix it up' a bit in the kitchen.
I would like to have a bit more variety in my food.
I don't think you should go months and months eating two kinds of breakfast or one kind of lunch or two kinds of dinner.
So on Sunday I am going to try TJ's 'baked oatmeal"
Wish me luck.
I do mean that. I could start a fire.
I only did a three mile walk because the weather wasn't cooperating today.
So I will be going to the gym tomorrow.
Full on one and a half hour workout...
There are only a few days left in the month and I want to be sure i hit my goal of 160 by the end.
I am thinking of calling my little brother and relieving him of his unused p90x workouts.
The poor things are just sitting there...and I am in need of shaking things up a bit with regards to my workouts and such not. I am not made of money...
So, I may call him later and ask him to lend it to me.
I just want to give it three months and see if I can't hit 'normal' with it.
Right now I am only about 20 lbs away...If I started on may 18th...my one year anniversary (I should be around 157, and went for three months, I should be able to hit normal by the end of those three months.
that would only be 16 or 17 lbs...in three months...I think it's doable with this kind of workout regimen.
If I do that...hit normal...then I will be willing to let the last ten pounds come off over a longer period of time as I tone up and  settle into the kind of exercise routine that works for me, say 6 months or so.
I don't want to be working out any more than 1 hour to 1  hour and 15 minutes a day 6 days a week.
So I would want to incorporate maybe 45 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of strength training...or maybe two or three days of an exercise that incorporates both (like kickboxing)...

We'll see, it's a few months away.
Right now I am focusing in on getting the last 30 lbs off.
So, I know I always had questions for people who only have 20 to 30 lbs left....So fire away.
Ask away.
I am open for questions.
Hope you all are having a fab day....


Here is where it gets tricky...

Hey all,
okay..so yesterday...
it was all about food and triggers...
For a  long time I assumed I ate because that is how I handled my emotions.
I didn't go any deeper than that.
And for some people, that is as deep as it goes.
Food is their drug of choice.
Like loretta said in the comments.
"The fat was an unfortunate by product of my food addiction"
I am paraphrasing here.
The fat wasn't or isn't doing anything for loretta except causing her pain.
Which is bad enough.
There are a lot of obese people for  whom this post does not apply..
I am only addressing it here because it absolutely DOES apply to me and maybe a few others I know of.

But what if your fat...unbeknownst to you, is not just an unfortunate byproduct.
What if  it is, or was,  or has been, the goal of your subconscious mind?

eh...TRICKY huh!
You don't generally find this out till about mid way through your weight loss struggles.
It will present itself in stealthy ways.
Say..a certain number.
If there is a certain number that you approach and then kabluey...you blow it.
red flag.
Your subconscious mind is sabatoging you...dollars to donuts.
200 is a number I often see in relation to this phenomenon.
Or for some it could be 250 or 300...
That number means something to you.
That is a question only you can answer..
But here is the thing.
Sometimes it isn't  a number.
Sometimes it's a happening.
This is the reason that for a long time...I couldn't pinpoint my trigger for regain.
It happened at all different weights.
The last time it happened...I was 239 and I dieted down to 212 lbs.
I quit and regained and then some.
Before that I was 210 and got down to 203.
I quit and regained.
At one point it was 179 to 156.
Yes, some of it was diet fatigue.
Some of it was wanting to eat and being hungry.
But when I really sat down to figure it all out...
Why could I do six months on induction atkins, and then just quit and regain.
If you can do induction for six months...determination is not the problem.
Will power is not the issue. 
I realized in each instance that it was a particular trigger.
It was when Men would notice me...
One flirtatious remark...one too overly familiar gesture.
boom...or bam...
back on.
Take 239 to 212.
It was a man putting his arm around me....
210 to 203
It was a man pulling over while I was walking and saying
"hey baby, wanna go out sometime'
179 to 156
It was a mechanic who said,
"it must get lonely while  your husband is deployed'
(an on post mechanic asking why my hubby hadn't brought the car in)
I say "he's deployed"...he says above and gets waaaay too familiar.
Now...I figured that out prior to starting this last 'diet' (or lifestyle choice)
whatever you want to call it.
Did that make my issue disappear..
hell no.
I had put the magnitude of my problem at about a 5.
I would have anxiety at every milestone.
Dropping below 229...
getting near 200....It would creep up on me..
This feeling of impending doom.
for no good reason.
I would feel anxious.
I wouldn't really connect it with men..just a feeling of being unsafe.
My childhood memories would come back.

I tried to laugh it off.
I fought through it.
But then....lotion man.
I don't know how many of you were reading when this happened....
I was walking through the mall...
This relatively attractive and not at all aggressive man was coming on to me..(probably to sell lotion)
I just about fainted.
I was so afraid. So anxious, that every bit of blood left my head and headed for the hinterlands.
I had to sit down, head between my legs and fob it off as a medical issue.
That is a problem.
More like an 8 or 9 problem.
It required serious intervention.
Hence my self defense class.
So, even if you identify what your fat is doing for you....protecting you from men...
protecting men from you...keeping your mother off your back about getting married.
Keeping your husband off your back about having kids.
Keeping you off your back about your level of expectations regarding life...
It doesn't make the issue disappear.

You may not know the magnitude until you pull the food away.
This can make people not even try.
They fear trying because then, they will have to pull this crap out and deal with it.
And when it comes right down to it, I don't think they fear the deprivation of limiting calories.
I think we all fear the knowledge of why we were using food in the first place...
and having that knowledge...then having to fix the crap that's wrong.
That can be life altering.
That can be very scary.
Obese people aren't stupid.
Your life isn't structured the way it is out of laziness.
There are reasons that are very logical.
The question is, do you want change enough to upend your whole life to achieve it.
The pain of staying the same becomes worse than the pain of becoming who it is you know you are capable of being.
It may mean losing something...or someone.
It may mean that nearly everything other people love about you is a lie.
I am here to say, irregardless of the pain it may cause you or others...It is worth it.
It's better living truthfully.
It is better knowing yourself.
It is better fixing the ugly parts.
Airing them out.
Kicking them in the @ss...and finally living a whole life.
I know because I am doing it.
And so can you.
It is making the choice to change and accepting whatever consequences those choices bring.
It is worth it...and so are you.
p.s. my oldest daughter has her own blog now where she talks about things in 'her own way'. I think once you read it, you'll see what I am dealing with...My being an optimist and all...lol.
It's called pessimistic days.


What is your biggest weak spot?

I started writing this because this is HOW i have lost my weight...You can take or leave any of this...it's what worked for me...
So, once you have identified what you are good at..
Now, you identify your weak spot.
To win the weight loss war, this is key (or was for me_.
The key to losing weight forever.
This is the thing that sabotages you every.single.time.you.try.to lose weight... 
This may seem simple on the surface.
Say...you like food.
Now, you might like food...but not enough to eat yourself sick.
But you eat yourself sick anyways.
I used to.
I was past full and I would still be eating.
Then you get to...
"Well, I am an emotional eater".
Great, that is a bit closer.
YOu know you eat when you are happy..or sad....or angry...or confused...or lonely...
That's great.
But now comes the hard part.
A.) What is triggering the emotions?
B.) Why are you using food?
C.) How can you stop?

So, maybe it's just habit formed over many years to use food for comfort or celebration.
That can be hard to kick.
Harder, maybe your fat is doing something for you above and beyond the food.
If that is the case...You have some detective work to do.
I really don't think people get to the 'morbidly obese' state without the fat serving some purpose.
We don't keep anything in our lives unless it serves some sort of purpose..that includes our fat.
So, we have tracked down that we eat emotionally, that we have triggers...
Find out what those triggers are.
Is it when you have a conflict with a  spouse?
Is it when you are feeling unsure about the future?
Is it when you are facing increased expectations at work?
Is it right after talking to your family about your childhood...or after dealing with your parents, or siblings or a particular friend?
I know I used to do so well when my husband was away or deployed.
When he came home, I would eat eat eat.
We would have conflict and I would get very uncertain..
To take away that feeling I would eat it.
I would feel better momentarily.
Now, For a while I was convinced it was HIM.
It wasn't.
It was my reaction to him based on fear of abandonment left over from my childhood.
I was very afraid of being left.
So when we would argue, I would have this huge amount of anxiety.
I would eat to cover it or not feel it.
If I got angry I would eat to soothe myself because I didn't want to express it.
The first step to overcoming this is simple, and quick (and really hard).
You have to stop eating...
Set a calorie cap and before long, all your emotions will be right there...in your chest.
Where  you will be tempted to eat them.
Identify them.
Sort through them.
Start asking yourself...
Good brother, why am I SO ANGRY!
You may know why..or not...
Then you have a choice...stuff it down with food, or sort it through.
If you sort it through, and this is based on my personal experience..you need to deal with IT.
whatever IT is...
Before you can ever get to the food part...this has to be dealt with or you will lose it and then when 'inspiration' or determination runs out...so does  your 'new lifestyle'.
I have started many diets.
I would go strong for a few months...my 'inspiration' would wither...
Usually coinciding with my triggers hubby's return
Nobody can live their lives with that much anger, or disappointment, or loneliness or sadness...
You need to 'fix' it.
Either face the problem (I had letters to write, people to confront and boundaries to draw.) sometimes there is a toxic relationship to end. Sometimes it requires forgiveness. It may require you to make new friends and find some hobbies... or in regards to disappointment, you do what it takes to overcome it.
If its low self esteem, then know that keeping that negative tape that was recorded either by you, or someone else...will continue to hold you back until your record a new inner tape. 
Just because someone at some point had a negative opinion of your worth as a human being...doesn't mean you need to accept the validity of their opinion. They are one person. I don't care if they were your parent...if they were saint frickin francis of assissi...
It's still One Persons Opinion.
and opinions are like @ssholes.
It isn't what they think, it's what you know.
If you don't know yourself..now would be a good time to write down things that are great about you.
Say only positive things to  yourself.
If you have things you need to improve...calling yourself dumb, or fat-so, or idiot or moron or other things will not help you improve...it will keep you stuck.
If  you have issues that you don't deal with, they won't go away.
They will keep on coming back until you deal with them.
It sucks all the energy out of any momentum  you might have gained.
I call it my "bring it up and kill it" philosophy.
Like my fear of men, I had to do what it took to take my power back.
So...identify your biggest weakness...and make a plan of attack to start conquering it..
this is a long process.
That is why I think developing one positive, consistent habit through this period can really help you build momentum. Once you start dealing with the things standing in the way of progress, you will start feeling more capable of handling the crap life throws at you on a daily basis regarding your weight loss struggles.
If you know how your brain will respond in certain situations,you can head alot of crap off at the pass.

Tomorrow, I will deal with what to do if you are using your fat as a tool.

Have a great night..
Last night I did my workout...an hour on the elliptical and my situps and my weights.
tonight I did my 5.6 mile hike.
My calories are in under 1500.
Hope you all are doing good,


What are you good at?

Hey all,
I just wanted to drop in this morning because I had a blog post that popped into my head...I thought it was important enough to do this in the morning when i am not all with it.

What are you good at...

I don't want people thinking that somehow I am 'special' because I lost a hundred pounds.
I am not.
I took little victories and built on them.
I started with something I knew I was crappy at...which was consistency.
So I started this whole weight loss thing off with walking 'every day in may".
I wanted to get rid of the fear that I just didn't have enough sticktoitiveness...
Once I had 26 days of walking under my belt, I felt I had flushed the consistency problem.
Then I gave myself a calorie cap and was consistent with it.
It was very important that I gave myself a cap and stuck to it.
So I knew I could tell myself no.
Those were my first two bricks in the wall.
Consistency and capping the calories.  I capped them at 1800 for the first month or two.
It wasn't the deficit I was worried about so much as the knowledge that It was me controlling the food, not the food controlling me.

Now, I have been hopping around the weight loss blog world a while now...
People are known for certain things.
Sean for his simple and common sense approach and his iron curtain.
Jack for his sense of humor and success.
TJ for her food and her great and caring attitude.
Loretta for her positive outlook and patience.
Christine @ exquisite christine for her honesty and her tracking (and great sense of humor)
Merry for her balance..
Sue for her sense of humor and her willingness to be open...

People who are successful take on one thing and get good at it and then build from there...
Alix from the casa hice asked me why I do 210 situps...
just so everyone knows they are dfferent kinds.
I do 3 sets of 25 regular (75)
then 3 sets of 10 obliques (each side) (60 total)
then 3 sets of 25 lower ab leg thingies...(hard to explain) (75)
They each target a different area of my abs.

I do it three times a week...before I do them I say to myself..
"To discipline the mind and the body".
It's to show ME that I control me.

So, what are you good at?
If you feel there is NOTHING you are good at in regards to controlling your body or how it operates...
then maybe you could challenge yourself to get control over  one aspect this week.
Once you have control over that area...it's like establishing a beach head or a perimeter.
You don't relinquish it..you build on it.
Grab another area and get a hold of that.
Exercise is my main area of control.
Food is not.
I eat 1450 to 1550 calories a day.
I will never eat 1200 calories...It just isn't something I want to do.
But I do know when to stop now...
It's not my strongest area.
But it's an area I have control over..Now.
So find your area of exellence.
Then build.
It will help you, and motivate you.
have a great day guys.


Well, that was fun.

Hey all,
Thanks to everyone who stopped by to leave a comment.  I am always touched by how much support I recieve from everyone.  It has made this whole thing easier. It has kept me on track, because not only do I not want to let myself down..I don't want to come on here and let you guys down.
It gives me a lot of motivation.
I wallowed for a day.
But not how you might imagine.
Yesterday, After I dropped that post, I hit the gym.
Where I upped the difficulty and burned 750 calories in 65 minutes.
Then I did 210 situps (these are finally starting to get easier..
Then I did 3 sets of 12 lower back extensions (35 lbs).
3 sets of 12 lat pulls (45 lbs).
3 sets of 12 tripcep extensions (30 lbs).
and 3 sets of 12 flies (30 lbs).

I ate 1450 calories. 
It feels good to have reached a major goal.
Someone mentioned in comments...Tammy
Asked if I am ever overcome by the emotion of it...
I wish I could be. 
I have never been made that way.  I don't know if It was how I was raised...
But getting me to cry is a rare thing.
I have cried maybe ten times in my life...really cried.
 When my brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness (it took me a day for it to sink in)
When I miscarried.
When I heard the heart beats of both of my children
When my marriage hit a particularly bad spot.
Once when I was convinced I was fat forever, and I just 'couldn't do it'....( about a year before I did)
Once when someone called me a liar when I wasn't.
When my grandma died.
The last time my husband went to Iraq.
I didn't the first three times.
That and the last scene of the notebook...and the passion of the christ.
That's it.
I have moments where I feel kind of surreal.
like when I was at the gym a week ago and spotted someone behind me..
then realized it was me.
I didn't recognize myself.
I stood there staring trying to get used to the 'new me'.
It was diametrically opposed to what happened 11 months ago...when I looked up and saw a fat woman.
Then realized is was me.
I thought I might get choked up.
But I have this voice that kind of kinks up any sentimental notions I have.
It always says..."okay, knock it off princess, time to ________.'
in this case, work out.
In the case of hitting one hundred pounds lost it says...
"Okay princess, lets do what we came for....it's time to go for goal."
So, onward and downward.
No time for screwing around.
30 lbs and life to go.
Hope everyone has their big  boy/girl panties on and are ready to go!


One pound One hundred times...

162 lbs. size 12 Photos taken by Amber

1.) One hundred pounds ago...
I believed I would always be fat.
Now I KNOW I will always be thin.
How? Because the first belief was based on my sense of victimhood.
My new knowledge is based on my year long quest to prove to myself that I am able.
That I control my body, and that my body does not control me.

2.) One hundred pounds ago, I watched four to five hours of tv a day.
I lived vicariously through others.
Now, I watch none and live my own life, fully.

3.) One hundred pounds ago, I feared grocery shopping and doing any other physical activity on the same day. Just shopping would wipe me out.

Now, I go to the gym and work out for an hour and a half, go grocery shopping, unload the groceries and then clean the kitchen and organize the pantry. And still have energy.

4.) One hundred pounds ago, I used to dread walking the quarter mile between my daughters' two favorite playgrounds.
In fact, I wouldn't. I made excuses.
Now I walk a 5.6 mile loop...and the last little bit passes by those two parks.

5.) One hundred pounds ago..When my kids wanted to go to the nature center and take a hike, I would tell them I was too busy (even when I wasn't) .
Their dad would take them and I would stay home planning school or paying bills.
This past Saturday, I took my kids to the park last weekend and did a two mile nature hike with them, where we saw turtles, and red winged blackbirds and geese.

While My husband was home taking a nap.

6.) One hundred pounds ago, I used to go to the movie theatre and worry about fitting in the seat. I would get a large popcorn and a soda and endure what I felt were the judgemental stares of other people.
Now-I fit in that seat with enough room to sit indian style, I know...I did it. I get a diet coke and a small popcorn with no butter but extra popcorn salt.

7.) One hundred pounds ago, I was in a size 24.  Now I am in a size 12.
And as for those fat pants...I burned every d*mned one.
8.) One hundred pounds ago, I would eat in my car and hide the fast food bags.
Now- If I want to enjoy a high calorie meal, I eat it in front of people and relish it.
And I Have Absolutely No Shame.

9.)One hundred pounds ago, I always took seconds at meals...always.
Now, I never take seconds, ever.

10.) One hundred pounds ago, I had three colors in my closet grey, black and beige
Now, I have a rainbow in my closet...current favorite color...coral.

11.) One hundred pounds ago my stomach would almost touch my steering wheel of my van in the drivers seat.
Now, I've got room for me and my eight year old sitting on my lap.
12.) One hundred pounds ago, I thought dressing up would be like putting lipstick on a pig.
Now, I never leave the house in the morning without lip gloss and mascara...at the least.

13.) One hundred pounds ago, I dressed to disappear.
Now, I dress to impress.

14.) One hundred pounds ago I had a negative tape running in my head 24/7...It said "Your fat, Your ugly, Your stupid...Your not worth loving."
Now, I have a tape in my head that says "You can do this! your fantastic! your strong and capable and D*mn, Your husband is a lucky man! lol

(Let me just stop right here and say that if you have a hate filled tape playing in your head, shred it and record a new, positive tape...until you get rid of that voice..it will kill your motivation to be and do better.)

15.) One hundred pounds ago, people never looked me in the eye.

Now, I have people saying Hi to me on a regular basis...I have stopped being invisible.

16.) One hundred pounds ago, I never made time for my health.

Now, It's my first priority.

17.) One hundred pounds ago, veggies were a decoration on my plate.

Now, they are the main dish.

18.) One hundred pounds ago, I drank a pot of coffee a day.

Now, I drink two cups.

19.) One hundred pounds ago, My mom was so worried she wrote a letter to Richard simmons...No, I'm not kidding.

Now, My mom is asking me for dieting advice because I weigh less than her.

20.) One hundred pounds ago, I was the fattest mom at my daughter's homeschool enrichment course.

Recently, I ran into one of those moms and had to introduce myself because she didn't recognize me...and when she did she said "WOW, you have lost A LOT OF WEIGHT...You look FANTASTIC!"

21.)One hundred pounds ago, I would give the stink eye to skinny women in public places who hemmed and hawed over their caloric choices...

Yesterday, as I stood in line and was hemming and hawing over a candy bar..I look up and there is an overweight bagger giving me the slack jawed, I can't believe her, what would a candy bar do to her, stink eye look I used to give. SO, Now, I get the stink eye, and I couldn't be happier....lol.

22.) One hundred pounds ago, I was so ashamed of my weight that I avoided having photos taken of me.
Now, I voluntarily post body shots on my public blog which is viewed by at least 200 people I have never met.

23.) One hundred pounds ago, I couldn't walk up steps without getting winded.

Now, I can run up the stairs without noticing-if I forgot something.
Speaking of stairs...

24.) One hundred pounds ago, I would send my kids upstairs for things I needed.

Now, I only ask if they are up there...if not, I get it myself...because it isn't hard.

25.) One hundred pounds ago, When I was at the park I would sit on the bench and watch my kids play.

Now, I play tag and outrun them.

26.) One hundred pounds ago, I wouldn't go to the pool because I didn't want to get into a bathing suit that had gotten way too tight...

Now, I am looking forward to buying a new bathing suit and going swimming, because the one I had gotten too 'big' for, is now too big for me (size 16).

27.) One hundred pounds ago, I felt old and tired.
Now, I feel young and alive.

28.) One hundred pounds ago, I felt depressed and hopeless.
Now, I feel happy and expectant.

29.) One hundred pounds ago, I was afraid to meet people and stand out.
Now, I am a girl scout troop leader.

30.) One hundred pounds ago I couldn't tell you what made me happy.
Now, I make myself happy.

31.) One hundred pounds ago, my past still had a grip on me.
Now, I have dug up the crap and cleared out my coop. My past no longer has a hold on me.

I win.

32.) One hundred pounds ago, I felt like I controlled nothing.
Now I know that the keys to life are all in my hands...I just have to use them.

33.) One hundred pounds ago, food was an enemy, a friend, a comforter, an excuse, a solace, a shield.
Now, It's fuel.
34.)One hundred pounds ago, someone compared me to Roseanne barr.
Now, they ask my daughter if she has an older sister.

35.) One hundred pounds ago I wouldn't buy tie shoes cause they had gotten too hard to tie without contortions....
Now, I tie my running shoes for a three mile jog
36.) One hundred pounds ago, I wore sweatpants because they let me eat more..
Now, i wear sweatpants so I can move more.

37) One hundred pounds ago, Just walking got my heart beating hard.
Now, I can go one hour on an elliptical and barely clear fat burning at 137 beats per minute.

38.) One hundred pounds ago climbing on a step ladder was a big deal...
Now I can turn, and using my hands...hop onto the counter without any step ladder in sight.

39.) One hundred pounds ago, I lived with a fear that was crippling me, a fear of men. Now I am
taking that fear in hand by going to self defense classes.
40.) One hundred pounds ago, I had ulcers on my feet and fugly toenails because I couldn't reach them to clip them.
Now, I Have healthy feet and (currently) fire engine red toenails.

41.) One hundred pounds ago, I wore an overshirt everywhere I went...thinking it concealed my extra weight.
Now, I have a shirt that shows some cleavage...lol.

42.) One hundred pounds ago, I had excuses.
Now I have blog posts.

43.) One hundred pounds ago, I felt inferior.
Now I feel equal.

44.) One hundred pounds ago, I kept my feelings stuffed down with food.
Now I feel them.

45.) Then-When my oldest daughter was about 7 years old, she told me (after I encouraged her to finish her breakfast) "You just want me to be fat like you."

Recently, My youngest told me that she wanted to be me for halloween.. When I asked her what kind of costume that would entail...heart in my chest...she told me she would need running shoes and exercise clothes so she could run door to door....cause that's what I do, run.

46.) One hundred pounds ago, my husband treated me more like a buddy than a girl.
Now He can't keep his hands to himself.

47.) One hundred pounds ago I got my clothes from goodwill and maybe from Walmart..I found what fit and quit. Now, I shop...I try things on to see if they look good. I wear cute clothes.

48.) One hundred pounds ago, I never did my hair. I would comb it and slap it into a pony tail maybe....that is it...I didn't bother to get it trimmed...colored...nothing.
Now, I color it, I have it cut, and every morning before I leave the house I make sure it's done.
49.) 100 pounds ago, my identity was mom.
Now, I am Chris. Yes, I am mom, and a wife...but I am also me....a seperate person with hopes and dreams.

50.) One hundred pounds ago, I never thought about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
Now, I think about my plans for the future...and am excited.

51.) One hundred pounds ago, I never asked for valentines day cards or birthday presents or attention.
On this last valentines day, I told my husband that not getting gifts or flowers was no longer acceptable. I wanted something....even if he were to pick some flowers.
And, I got a gift for my birthday without having to buy it for myself. ;o).

52.) 100 pounds ago, no was no to me...no matter how unfair or ridiculous..Now, If I think something is complete and utter bs, I say something.

53.) 100 pounds ago, I was always trying to make myself 'useful'....I didn't trust that anyone would actually want to just hang out with me.
Now, I am myself and have learned how to say NO. I trust people will understand and want to be my friend because of who I am and not how useful I am.

54.) 100 pounds ago I ate my anger.
Now, I have learned how to express it in a constructive fashion.

55.) 100 pounds ago, I thought I was low key and mellow..
Now I know better.

56.) 100 pounds ago I couldn't tell you what was on the radio, music wise.
Now I listen to all the new artists because I workout to Fm radio and rediscovered my love of music.

57.) 100 pounds ago I put my art away and never thought I would draw again.
Now, I pulled it out and am drawing again.

58.) 100 pounds ago I felt dead inside.
now, I feel like living....every minute. And squeezing life like a lemon till I get every last drop.

59.) 100 pounds ago I felt I didn't have much to say.
Now, I write on a blog daily.

60.) 100 pounds ago, I had a hard time breathing while flat on my back.
Now, I have no problem breathing laying down....or standing up...or doing jumping jacks..or jogging....

61.) 100 pounds ago I had heart palpitations at any old time....bad ones...
Now, I don't.
62.) 100 pounds ago I resented other people's carefree attitude.
Now, I have one...

63.) 100 pounds ago I was a pessimist about life.
I thought it made me 'realistic'.
Now, I am an optimist...reality is created.

64.) 100 lbs ago, I was waiting for some outside force to make my life better. Thinking it was where I lived, or my home or whatever...that was making me unhappy...when It was me.

Now, I am making my life better one choice at a time. And so can you.

65.) 100 lbs ago I was trying to be the image of the perfect mother and the perfect wife....
Now, I try to be the perfect version of me. God made me, and he don't make junk.

66.) 100 lbs ago I kept all the funny, snarky, and silly stuff I thought inside bundled up tight....People thought I was a very serious person (unless they were very close friends or family)

Now, I let my little mouth shine.

67.) 100 lbs ago I would dream I was thin only to wake up fat.
Now, I dream I'm thin and wake up...thin.

68.) 100 lbs ago, I would walk into Walmart and stroll through the 'normal' section and think "I'll never fit in those clothes."
Now I shop there.
(all you gals who know what I am talking about raise your hand)

69.) 100 lbs ago I couldn't find a towel big enough to wrap all the way around me without gapping at the bottom.
Now all my towels wrap around me.

70.) 100 lbs ago I displaced alot more bath water then I do now.
Now, my water bills are higher. lol.

80.) 100 lbs ago, sitting would hurt my ribs because my belly fat shoved up into them.
Now, not an issue. Although my butt hurts cause it's bonier...lol.

81.) 100 lbs ago I had cankles (N. calf-ankles)
Now I have calves, and ankles..nuff said.

82.) 100 lbs ago I had three chins.
Now I have one.

83.) 100 lbs ago, I had doors slammed in my face.
Now men hold them open for me...fair? no...true? absolutely.

84.) 100 lbs ago, I was outside gardening when a group of boys went by in a car and made rude sounds.
recently, I was walking and a young man asked me if I wanted to see a trick...then He jumped three objects in the road..on his skateboard....Then he asked me what I thought...
Then his buddies started making smart comments about impressing the pretty 'girl'.

I thought about telling him I was old enough to be his mother...but let it lie...*snicker*

85.) 100 lbs ago men yelled rude things from their vehicles...things like moo...
Now men yell rude things like 'nice @ss"

86.) 100 lbs ago I loved to dance but was too big to really move.
Now I can crank out the moves.

87.) 100 pounds ago, My fat was my shield against my fears.
Now, My hands are.

88.) 100 lbs ago I avoided mirrors like the plague.
Now I try to see my reflection as I walk past store fronts, trying to get used to what I am seeing.

In desperation chris seeks out family members to complete her list....be back...currently skulking...

89.) 100 lbs ago my husband said I looked sick...
Now he says I look pretty...when inquiring as to whether that meant I was ugly before he replied quickly, 'prettier' (he hasn't been married for 17 years for no reason)...and my boobs look "better' cause the rest of me is smaller..and he can see them better.
(told you he was a romantic.)

90.) My oldest daughter says
100 pounds ago i was more 'agitated'...???
Now I am nicer...(I am in a better mood)
And when I said agitated..she heaved a sigh and said in an agitated tone...YES...AGITATED.


91.) My youngest said to me...
You never used to jump, now you jump..
you never used to run, now you run...
you never used to play, now you play...
It's kind of weird. but it's fun. I'll have to get used to it.

92.) My good freind Amber said
You used to come over and sit the whole time when you visited..
Now you stand.

93.) 100 lbs ago I had a very limited view of what I was capable of...
Now my opinion of my potential has expanded to just about limitless.

94.) 100 lbs ago I based my worth on my weight.
Now I base my worth on who I know I am as a whole person.

95.) 100 lbs ago I was tired when I woke up and tired all day long.
Now, I am tired after I work out...but only for a bit...

96.) 100 lbs ago I had a hard time getting off the couch without pushing myself with my arms.
Now, I can do 210 situps in under 10 minutes.

97.) 100 lbs ago, I prayed my daughters wouldn't grow up to be like me...
Now I wouldn't mind.

98.) 100 lbs ago I wondered if I would be here to see my daughters grow up and get married.
Now I have greatly improved my chances of seeing that happen.

99.) 100 lbs ago I would explain why I didn't work out and couldn't lose weight...
Now when I see people who know I have lost 100 lbs. they are explaining to me why they can't lose weight....lol.

100.) 100 lbs ago the thought of writing a post detailing how my life had changed after losing 100 lbs wouldn't have occurred to me...because I was a different person.  I have a vague memory of her...but it's almost like I shed my evil twin. I can't recall really what my thought processes were...but I do know that somewhere along the way, how I view the world...How I view challenges, and opportunites and new activities and people and possibilities is 180 degrees different.
It's like the day I stood there in build a bear flipped a switch that began a process that changed my life.
I will never be the same person.
I am so happy and thankful that happened.
I am so happy and thankful that 11 months ago I put down the food and picked up a life.
I hope you can look within yourself, see that you are worth it and move forward and never look back.
One hundred pounds seems like alot..it looks impossible when you begin.
But really...It's just one pound.
One hundred times.
On  to Goal,