Why the 'west wing' is not a workout.

so...inertia...that's where I am at...rest my leg for the first week...
today I got to take a 'small walk' around the neighborhood.
tomorrow I will be headed to the gym where I can do the upper body portion of this mother.
but lower body, not so much.
Then I will take another 'small walk'.

but In the MEANTIME.
I am into season 2 of the west wing.

It's a great show..
My vocabulary improves daily..
I laugh.
But I can feel my @ss spreading.
nuff said.

I haven't sat around this much since I was obese.
I can't really remember  how to do it properly.
ah well..
this is temporary.
Hope you are all moving forward.
Chris out.


Saving your life and patience

I am a big proponent of saving your life..
One of my instructors from the defense institute just posted part 4 of why a lot of self defense instructors are full of crap.
He has been talking about avoiding getting raped...if any one here wants some REAL tips, Free tips...head here.

You can save your life by fending off an attacker, dropping the weight,  finding a partner who doesn't diminish you...finding something you're are passionate about.

I am all about moving forward these days.

Every once in a while I drive by the house of a woman who was murdered by her husband.
There are days like today that I am feeling very impatient with my body.
I just want everything to be fixed.
I think this is a time of testing for me...
What will I do with the obstacles in my way.
I am not good at waiting.
But I have to wait.
If I don't wait, I will damage myself further.
And make my wait longer.
Much like dieting,  healing takes time.
If you try to get ahead of yourself..you simply end up frustrated.

I know what it's like to want the weight off NOW.
I still get that way.
But it went on a day at a time..
it will come off a day at a time.

It's just hard when you wake up one day and finally realize what it is you want..
and you have the impetus...the gumption.
The want to.
And you can't....yet.
So instead of preparing my body..
I need to be preparing my mind.
Do what you can, when you can.
then when the fetters are off..
You are already at full speed.
Chris out.


the ballad of the one legged rower

Well, I actually got  a workout in...
I did 20 minutes of frantic calisthenics..
so 250 situps altogether...
seated kettlebells
seated stick work
exercise ball chest presses...
then I hobbled out to the rowing machine and did 20 minutes on that with one leg.
I even outlasted the guy beside me..
of course it was probably his warm up..
whereas it was my whole work out.
My food was great...
1580 calories of veggies and protein and fruit.
No whining, no crying.
Just figuring out day to day what to do..
and doing it.
till I get better..
if it's one legged rowing.
I am going to have one hell of a toned right leg by the time this is finished.

Hope you all didn't let anything or anyone stop you today.
Chris out.

whoops...I broke it.

well, not really 'broke' but screwed up..
my knee
I was practicing knife fighting (I know)
in self defense class.
planted my leg to my left..
did a fancy shmancy move to the right..
and popped it.
and ended up in the emergency room
where I was told I probably had a torn meniscus
which I can cut out with surgery
which will leave me permanently lopsided.
or I can try to heal...
which will leave me with clicking.
and locking .
I opted for clicking and locking.
I am of the
"once it's gone it ain't coming back" school
So the 'challenge' now is figuring out how to exercise minus one good leg..for the next 8 weeks or so.
I am going to trying one legged rowing today.
maybe swimming.
walking is okay after a week or two.
I can still do toning for upper body and abdomen.
I'll be fine.
Keeping my calories intact will be that much more vital now.
kind of ironic..
isn't it.
Will write more later.
Chris out.


Why pre-planning my meals is VITAL

I suck at lunches
I am good with dinner..
breakfast is the same nearly every day..
eggs and toast.
Much like the book Bread and Jam for Frances...I never get tired of it

But lunch.
I never know what to eat.
So I tend to 'throw away' the most calories in the middle of the day
Calories I can ill afford to lose
I need to feel full-or sated
When I go to bed at night.
I have issues sleeping.
I always have.
So it behooves me to make myself as comfortable as possible.
So I have to be very tight with my calories to fit them under my 1500 calorie cap for the day

My latest attempt at this effort is pre-making my lunch.
I don't much care what I eat for breakfast and lunch
Dinner is a different story.
So on Saturday I made 7 meals
Yes, they are all the same meal.
I sauteed  four zucchini, four bell peppers of different colors...mushrooms and one onion.
Then I baked about 21 ounces of chicken breast....boneless and skinless.
then in each container I put 1 and 1/2 cups of veggies and 3 ounces of chicken and topped it with spicy szechaun sauce..each meal clocks in at around 250 calories including the oil and sauce in my calculations.
Today when I was done at the gym I was hungry.
Instead of doing what I had been doing for next to a year and a half...overeating after a strenuous workout...
I went home and had a meal.
It's vital.

For my workout I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and a one mile walk and then upper body and lower body toning for about 20 minutes
I don't know If I mentioned it here..but I jacked my knee up a month ago while doing sparring in my self defense class..then got the flu.
It's been a long month.
Well, yesterday I was on the elliptical, and my knee that had refused to bend in any substantial way for nearly three weeks made a strange clunking sound.
I stopped dead and waited...then stepped off the elliptical.
and realized that while my knee was sore in a muscle sore kind of way...
It no longer felt unaligned.
I think my staying in bed for two days with the flu this past week,  allowed the knee swelling to go down and my knee to heal itself.
Maybe the flu was God's way of getting me to stop long enough to heal.
I am stubborn.
Well, I will write more tomorrow..this is becoming a novel.
Chris out.



One of the greatest horses who ever lived.

He belonged to Alexander the great, if a horse can ever truly belong to somebody.

No one could tame him...
He was Beautiful.
Black coated with Blue eyes and a white star on his forehead.
Strong and with a noble lineage.
But so untamed that he couldn't be sold.
He had made himself of no value.
But Alexander was willing to try..and if he could tame him, he could have him for free.
Because no one thought the horse could be tamed...they were willing to give a horse of infinite value away for free..
But that's a different story for another day.

So Alexander tried.
and he finally figured out what others couldn't..
That to tame him
You had to turn him into the sun.
Because Bucephalus was afraid of his own shadow.
Once Alexander did...he had no problems taming him.
Together they conquered large swaths of land...
And Alexander and Bucephalus are legend.

I spent years afraid of my own shadow.
It was a long shadow.
It held all the memories of my past failures.
The weight of other's expectations.
And quite frankly...a fear of my own success.
Because deep down I knew what I was capable of...
God made me for a purpose.
Not to sit and wither.
But whenever I went to saddle up..
I would bolt the reigns.

 Afraid of what would happen to me should I apply the harness of discipline and allow myself to set a course.

Then one day I turned my face to the sun.
And with my shadow behind me.
I went forward.
Turn your face to the sun..
The shadow will be what's left behind.
Chris out.


Don't pretend you aren't sick when you are sick...

That was me.
I have been spending the last 9 days pretending this was a cold when it was apparently worse than a cold.
It nearly went into my lungs (not to mention just plain kicking my ass and not letting go)
So  I admitted defeat today and spent today in bed.
I will probably spend tomorrow in bed as well.
Better my bed than a hospital bed.
Word to the wise and  unwise..
If you are sick, let yourself be sick.
Don't 'push through it'.
Or you prolong it..

I am an idiot.
Chris out.


Learning not to give a crap what people think...

OKAY....I realize I have not been around for a few days..I have been sick as a dog!

But I am feeling better and tomorrow I will be back at it!
That being said..
I was listening to the radio on the way home  to the store today.

They were talking about people who were obese...
and the radio announcer called people who were morbidly obese..
"Big fat pieces of crap."


He really said that..
He said "How do you shove food in  your face until you are a big , fat, piece of crap."
Then here is the kicker.
He said...
I am not a thin guy..but I am not over 300 pounds.

I thought "Well, la-de-da!"
Congratulations, you're merely overweight...that somehow makes you superior?

Do you think anyone would have said that about a person who was a drug addict..

How do you keep shooting up till you are a withered piece of crap.
Of course they don't ask that.
They know it's an addiction.
So is food for some people.
I think it's easy for people who have never truly had a weight problem to judge others with one.
Just like anything.
So I say to skinny people who don't understand how someone gets that big..
They get that big because they used food as a drug.
And beyond that it's really none of your business.
No wonder it's so hard for Obese people to start a weight loss program.
I look back now...and it seems daunting still!
Telling people what "worthless bags of crap" they are is not a motivator...
Stop being such judgemental pr*cks.
Maybe help...or if you can't...shut up.
Until then.
Anyone trying to lose weight.
Tune out the incredibly dimwitted people  around you...
or ditch them period.
It doesn't matter what they think.
It matters what you think.
I think tomorrow will be a good day...
over to vee arnis class and an hour of cardio..
1500 calories...etc.

OH...and if you look to my blog roll...one of my senseis has a blog...midgets don't mug people..he is just starting and could probably use some support..PLUS he is giving great safety tips for FREE...SO go check him out and follow...you will get information free that I pay dearly for...wait....hmmmm....
Chris out.


A new direction...

Hey guys,
I have decided that it's time I took this blog in a new direction...yes, I am still losing weight, but more than that I am moving forward everyday with my plans, goals and dreams.
I am very excited about this.
I will add a page that deals with some of my older posts...maybe you guys could give me your ideas on which posts were the most helpful.
And I will post a link to those on that page.
I have added a page called "Work Out with Brooke and Chris...
I will have a different workout on there every week.

From here on out, it is about now and the future.
My martial arts training.
My workouts to lose the fat and gain the muscle, flexibility and speed I will need to be a good instructor.
I will be talking about my evolving philosophy on nutrition.
I am trying to integrate my food intake with my family's while both losing and maintaining my  weight.
I will be talking about new exercises and perhaps new fitness goals...
I am very excited.
Hope you guys will still be following along.
Chris out.


Because I deserve it.

I had a little talk with a friend the other night.
We were discussing my mindset from three and a half years ago.
I went to walmart with my baby brother..
and the cashier thought we were married.
And I remember thinking...or feeling..
Oh jeez, how embarrassing for Pook, he deserves better than for someone to think he is married to me.

I look back at that..
and think..
A.) I should have valued myself a whole lot more.
My weight didn't and doesn't make me infinitely better or worse than anyone.

I deserved to feel good about myself.
I deserved to spend time treating myself and my body right.

I think women in general have this sense that taking care of themselves is somehow selfish.
Then when they wipe themselves out taking care of others..
and are overweight and tired.
And then they have to deal with criticism of their weight..
They get depressed and turn it inwards.
Instead of outwards.

When they say "But I'm too busy.."
and their spouse, or mother or whatever says "No one asked you to do all this."
But then the family is used to you making yourself readily available..
a doormat really..
and you begin to take time to do the things to get yourself on the right track.

Whatever they said before.
There will be resistance and resentment.
Because who doesn't like having a person willing to bend over backwards 24/7 to make their life easier?
But that's okay...just point out that you are doing this for your health.
And that everyone else is just going to have to pitch in..
and just like they adjusted to your doing everything.
They will adjust to your Not doing everything.
Push past that.
Because you deserve it.
It took a while for my family to be okay..
maybe a year or so..
but now everyone pitches in around the house..
it isn't just me anymore.
There is more balance.
And I can start to pursue some of my dreams..
because they are just as important as anyone else's.
 I count..so do you.
chris out.


What will kill you.

Denial will kill you.
That is why I was so mean with that lady and her letter.
I spent years thinking I was better than a person in my life because I didn't drink.
I was burying myself with food.
She is too.
But she won't admit it.
I hate seeing it.
I am working on getting a black belt...
It will take me years.
When I do, I will be training women to defend themselves.
I will be dealing with women who have been in abusive relationships..
many of whom will probably STILL be in abusive relationships.
Every day we meet people in the grips of a crisis.
In the midst of a true problem.
We can have compassion...but when someone is so stuck in denial...
The truth is the only thing that works.
many of the women I will one day work with will no doubt be in denial about the danger they are in.
But I will make a point in my classes...all my classes...to state statistics.
The reality is...obese people (of whom I used to be one) are more prone to heart attacks, diabetes and other  diseases...
The reality is...a woman in an abusive relationship is in grave danger...three women are murdered everyday in this country by their significant other.
What sent me down the road of weight loss was knowing that I deserved  better and knowing that what I was doing was damaging not only me, but my family.
What sent me down the next road...the road of wanting to teach self defense..was the death of a woman in the adjoining neighborhood..
who had been married for a few years, her husband had ptsd and the police had been called to her house on a few occasions for domestic assault.
So when he took out the gun and said 'leave and I'll shoot'...
She didn't take it seriously.
she turned with her baby in her arms...
and went to leave.
And he shot her in the head.
in front of their children.
I have seen bloggers and weight loss dieters come and go...
I have people come here to this blog, from a memorial blog roll...from a very sweet lady who died too soon and left her young children  because she had a heart attack.
IT is serious.
For some it's 10 pounds..
For many of us, it's life and death.
skimpy outfits and muscles will not kill you.
hardened  arteries and diabetes will.
I'm sorry If I offended...but I decided to not stand idly by and let that kind of reasoning just lie there..unanswered.
I have to choose what to care about, what to direct my attention to...and these are the two subjects I have chosen.  Most of my readers know me and know my heart...They know where I am coming from...
I am not much of a sugar coater.
But I do care.
I want to make my life all it can be...
I believe that  everyone is capable of doing the same.
I truly believe this.
But I believe the first step is being honest.
I hope you all understand that when I write something, I write it out of  a place of actually caring...of wanting to point out a dangerous mindset...which is why I didn't write her name.
I recognized in that letter...some of the things that kept me fat for years.
Maybe some of you recognized it as well...I don't know.
But if we can't be  honest..we'll never get to where we want to go.


Sh*t people say....you won't believe this.

Okay...You know how I am always rattling on about mindset right..
I was reading a magazine and came across this letter.

I would have been too embarrassed to send this kind of letter...but this lady probably doesn't even realize how ...okay, I am just going to say it..
How stupid she sounds.

In a nutshell, this sums up why she will never get anywhere with health or weight loss.
Her mind is skewed..
I will type out the letter....with commentary..
and you guys can tell me if you've met anyone with a similar mindset..
cause I have.

I am not going to put which mag I found this in...or the ladies name..
but it's  a women's health magazine.
nuff said:

Here is the letter:
I want my money back, ________(name of mag).  I subscribed last year, hoping that your magazine would help me become skinny-the doctor says I am about 50 lbs. overweight. But now that I'm receiving a steady supply of magazines, I know it's not for me. In fact, I'm embarrassed to keep your magazine out on the coffee table. The women are dressed too skimpily, and their shape is too hard and muscular. I don't want to look like that. I tried one of the workouts once and I swear I could feel my arms getting bigger. No thanks!

at first I thought this was a joke letter..
but then I realized that I have actually met women who think this way...in fact at one point I thought this way to some extent.  Mostly the 'too hard and muscular' thing...
so let me go through this letter and point out what should be obvious to anyone who has had any kind of weight loss success.

number 1: she subscribed hoping the magazine would make her skinny...
magazines don't make you skinny...they give you ideas..just like a gym membership doesn't get you fit unless you use it..and food doesn't make you fat unless you eat too much and the wrong kind.

my favorite bit there was the steady supply line. I actually laughed...as if when the as the quantity picked up, her weight should go down faster.

She is embarrassed by women in bra tops and shorts...
This is too stupid to quantify.
I see less on prime time tv.
I think what she is embarrassed by, is the simple presence of people who aren't expecting a magazine to make them skinny.

Too hard and muscular.
I have been 100 pounds overweight.
I would rather have biceps that are big because there is muscle, than 5 pounds of fat hanging off the bottom of my arm, waving hi in a stiff wind.

and last, but certainly not least...one workout wasn't making anything bigger...unless she went to mcdonalds after and got a big mac...then that was her butt...not her bicep.
What would possess her to type such drivel is beyond me..

But I hear it every day...
it's as bad as women who don't eat because all they want is to be skinny.
Your health cannot be purchased.
It must be earned.
I wish I could get back those 15 years of obesity.
My muscles move me...and keep my skeletal structure in place.
my food propels me...it doesn't make me sick.

This whole letter screams excuses...she doesn't even own it...she says the doctor thinks she is overweight.
Reminds me of me when I was overweight...I would minimize the effect on my health...
We need to change how women see fitness...
Being strong, and assertive and able is nothing to be ashamed of.

That's all for today.
Chris out.


Begin your Vision Quest

I am creating a vision board for 2013.  I will post it in three days, if blogger lets me..if not I will try to post a pic to facebook and leave a link for the general public...or it could go on pinterest.

My vision for this year is two fold.
lose the rest of my weight and lose some debt.

I used to think losing my weight meant I wanted to look like this...

Not anymore...

Now I know that I want it to look like this. ^

I used to think I had no other purpose but to make other people's dreams come true..
At 35 I thought it was too late.
Now I know better.
I am making my dreams happen.
I earned my first belt in vee arnis jitsu.
I am a senior white belt.
Next up is yellow belt.
In four years..I hope to be teaching.
Teaching other women to defend themselves.
To help THEM get  a vision of what they want their lives to be.
It started with me sitting down in 2009 with one simple vision.
That was to lose weight...
by eating 1800 calories..and by walking every day.
All you have to do is start.
When you begin doing the right thing FOR YOU.
When you begin to respect yourself and the life you were given.
Each step leads to the next step.
Knowing you could do the first step gives you confidence to move on.
So pick the one thing you need to do and begin..
and you will be amazed at how quickly the rest begins to fall into place.
In one year, your life will be completely different..
But don't worry about that now.
be S.M.A.R.T.
Time bound.

So, don't pick 'I want my whole life to be different'.
Pick something about your life.
Toxic people that need be dumped.
You want to lose some weight.
You want a different job.

Which people
How much weight
What kind of job

At the end of your time table you should be able to answer with alacrity...
Is the person gone?
How much weight did you lose?
Do you have a new job?

You're the toxic person (In that case work on your personality)...or that toxic person is someone who depends on you..(but for the most part...you can ditch toxic people..even a spouse, it isn't pleasant but it's doable.)
50 lbs in a year is achievable...200 isn't.
you are 5 foot tall, 50 years  old and you want to play in the nba.

You won't be achieving world peace any time soon..
make it relevant to your life.

Don't say "Well...I'd like to lose weight...someday."  It's a recipe for a never ending dance.
Since it's January 2nd, 2013...
Make it one year..with mini goals every month, or three months etc.

So...move toxic people out...
gain some different friends..
send a letter by such and thus a date.
go and join some social clubs or activities you enjoy.
meet new friends

Weight loss:
lose 4 pounds a month...with a total weight loss of 48 lbs in a year.  (I know....that's alot!)
set a calorie cap..
set an exercise goal.
write a food list..
Then do it.
Begin now, it's completely possible.

For a new job...get training...
set a goal to sign up for classes by march.
write your resume.
put out feelers and make contacts in the industry you are interested in..
Write your steps out..
and then do one thing each day to move forward.

I am marking off each day of this year...when I hit 135 that is when I am finished with weight loss.
I am also working on being very strong and flexible.
I want to be able to bench 100 pounds 10 consecutive times by the end of the year..(right now I can bench 60 pounds)
I want to be able to do 50 push ups. ( right now I can do 18)
5 minutes of jumping jacks. (Right now I can do 2.5 minutes)
I want to avoid injury...and continue to learn my craft.
I am attending my vee arnis jitsu classes three times a week with one hour of cardio after.
The other three I work out with my friend Brooke and do 30 minutes of cardio.
I have a list of no go foods...
These foods lead to binges, so I don't eat them.
white flour
white sugar

Keeping my goals front and center keeps me from forgetting what I am aiming for.
Put reminders everywhere and keep your mind focused on what it is you WANT.
Set yourself up for victory.
Don't run away, run to..
and remember that each day you can  be moving closer to your goals..
or further away.
clear your surroundings of pitfalls.
and find people with a similar mindset.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Chris out.


How in the h*ll did I get here..and How do I get out?

I said I would write about  rebuilding yourself from the ground up and so here I am.

If you are reading this...the title brought you here...if you aren't...the title didn't interest you...
I suspect anyone reading this who was interested has been in that position.
One minute you think your fine...the next, not so much.

I have had several friends this year experience that exact feeling.
They look down one day and everything they thought was real, wasn't...everything that was going well...stopped going well...

or perhaps they were asleep at the wheel and woke up in the ninth circle of hell.
They know they were in the car..
They made the choices.
They chose the turns and the off ramps.
But now they are awake and looking around and saying, "What happened!"

That little blurb above was me.
One minute I was thinking "I'm just a bit chunky."
The next I am awake and realizing that I am not a bit chunky...but that I am morbidly obese.
not only that..
But I have been acting the part of a person I thought I should be..
sleepwalking through life...
living vicariously through others...
going through the motions in every relationship I was in..
You name it, I wasn't doing it.

What do you do when you look down and realize that your whole life is nowhere near what you would like it to be: and you think you've been doing the right thing because you've constructed this image of how you should act and what you should do?

Maybe your definition of 'right thing' needs to change.
Maybe everything you have told yourself is a lie..because you didn't know what else to believe or do?
Maybe there is a new way of looking at things.
You are going to have to sit down and clearly map out what choices and beliefs have gotten you to where you are...
write out what isn't working..
and then start thinking about what beliefs or actions have created the circumstances.
Some ( I would say most) we control..
some we don't.
I had no real role models as pertains to marriage..
and the few I did have were either very poor, or a little late in the game.
It took years of reading and studying to even come close to seeing what a marriage should look like.
And then tailoring those ideas to my husband and I.
Until then, I only had ideas of what a 'good wife' should do..
I had ideas of what a good friend was...
What a good mother was...
I had a map...and I followed it.
And it lead me to complete and utter misery.

Did I have good things despite that..
oh yes.
But HOW I was living was making me very unhappy.
I thought to be a good mother, wife and friend..I had to make myself useful.
I had no real self esteem..
I wasn't okay to just be me..
I wasn't enough.
I had to earn affection.
So I never asked for anything, and I never complained.
All of those actions were based on the belief that I wasn't enough..
It was a lie.
I wore myself out.
I made myself fat by using food for things I should have been getting from people.
And I made myself a martyr to everything I thought I wanted..
and couldn't understand that none of it was necessary.

So I know how I got there...
but how did I get out?
First I had to realize that 'there' was NOT where I wanted to be.
I had to figure out what I did want..
and most importantly..
I had to understand that I was worth it.
Since I had shut out so many people.
I really had no one to talk to about these things.
So if you are reading this and are thinking...I don't have anyone.
Then you are going to have to be enough right now.
YOU are going to have to be your best friend.
Your toughest critic.
YOur biggest cheerleader.
You have to hire yourself to  be your life manager.
I did this by saying to myself
"What would you say to your daughters or someone you cared about who wanted to improve themselves?"
Would you say "It's too late."
"Don't inconvenience people?"
Or would you encourage them to try!
That they could do it!
If you looked at your life right now...and someone else was running it, would you fire them or give them a raise?
Are you living a life you want to live?
Or one you are merely surviving.
Is it a life, or is it a life sentence?
If you would have told me three years ago that I would be 100 pounds lighter, that my marriage would be happier..
that I would have many friends, a new church home, a new career path...
And all of that would come about because I DECIDED...
I would have thought you were insane.
But the first step is deciding what you DON'T WANT.
The next is deciding what you DO WANT.
So figure out where you are...what happened..and what choices and or actions have lead you there..
maybe you lied to yourself because you didn't want to face an unpleasant truth
Maybe you have been procrastinating because doing the one thing you know you have to do is too painful. Maybe you thought by sacrificing everything you want and love, you could make others happier..I don't know.
But you know it didn't work.
YOU know your actions and thought patterns have gotten you to this place..and you know that you have to change to get out of this place.
Then you have to decide what you need to do to make things right.
Be honest, make yourself a priority, demand respect...you know what needs to be done.
What better time than now?
So the only thing I knew at first was that I wanted to lose weight and make my marriage better..
if you only have one thing.
Write that down.
Your one thing.
It's a new year..
own it.
Chris out.