Lead, follow, or get out of the way...I choose lead.

Hey all,
First let's start with my workout..it was epic.
I did one hour at my self defense class..then I went to the gym and did a whole body workout with brooke, and a mile walk.
It was a two and a half hour workout.
I ate 1750 calories...These last two weeks have been on point with the eating and exercise.

My day was incredibly busy.
My last two weeks have been very busy.
In the midst of all of this hullabaloo, I have reached a few conclusions.
Don't wait till you feel a crisis has been reached to better yourself.
I have spent years attempting to better everyone around me..it's what women do.
Now it is time to find out what I can do..what I can contribute..and pour some of that effort into me. 

Number two..
I have given the words and actions of others more power than my own.
Since I have started changing how I approach my husband and everyone around me..
I have noticed a change in response.
By being proactive,  I am creating my responses.
What do I mean.
I mean I am acting, not being acted upon.
When you choose a direction...and begin to put plans in place with confidence..
Most people don't have that kind of determination..or sense of purpose.
They either stand by with a kind of stupefied expression...aka 'get out of the way'..
or they help (aka follow).
I have found that when people are kind of standing around without a purpose, You can give them a purpose (aka lead).
So, I have been delegating.
And by gosh..it works.
My youngest just did the dishes...my oldest vacuumed upstairs and my husband packed his own lunch and got himself around.
Me...I highlighted notes I took today and wrote my to do list for tomorrow.
I went to my 'orientation' meeting at women's resources last Thursday.
It was very interesting..looking around that room..I wondered what had brought everyone there.
No one volunteered any information.
I signed up for two classes..
One is a resume class..and the other is an interviewing class.
Those are in August.
I went to the library and found out I don't have to wait for computer classes.
They have a self guided tutorial  you can use for the Microsoft office suite. 
So Today was my first day using the self tutor.
I am learning outlook.
Next I will be learning Word, then excel.

After I finish my online tutorials for Microsoft....I am going down to the women's resource agency to see if I can't volunteer there one or two days a week in the front office. I hope to gain experience in customer service and working in an office setting.  I think six months of learning computer programs and volunteering will give me enough experience to apply for an entry level secretarial position...from there I can begin earning money to go to college.
Once I get an associates degree in either business or liberal arts (aka social work).
 I can become an administrative assistant. A fancy term for a secretary who makes more money. LOL.
My goal is to work for one of these agencies. Make enough money to slowly put myself through college and become an executive assistant.  That is where the money and career is..So for now, I will  use this time to learn skills and make the contacts that will make that possible.
That is what I have been up to.
Have a great night.
Chris out.


Putting my own clothes on my back...

I started a dog sitting service in my neighborhood.
This way, I can make money...
once I get up enough (around 800 dollars)...every item in my closet is coming out..
Some to Goodwill, some to be burned.
and I am buying my own clothes.
I will be putting the "clothes on my back" from here on out.
My orientation is for 12 o clock at women's resource..
they will tell me what to expect and when my computer classes begin.
I find also, that many employers like bi lingual receptionists..
so I will be stopping by the library later to sign up for classes.
After that...it's off to the gym so I can keep on heading down the scale.
In the meantime, enjoy this musical interlude...

Hugs and blessings,
Chris out.


Leverage-it makes everything easier

So two days ago I went to the women's resource center...
They offer free computer classes and career counseling.
I have orientation tomorrow.
The first step in fixing an issue is acquiring leverage.

Just like with weight loss..
you need a plan.
My plan is to begin acquiring skills to enter the workforce.
I have no idea how to operate any of the windows office applications.
From reading different job descriptions, it would seem these are mandatory.
So, tomorrow I have an appointment for orientation.
Then I can begin classes.
They have seminars about different jobs that are available...interviewing techniques...building a resume...
In the meantime, I have found that the simple application of action vs. inaction causes attitudes to readjust and realign.
That doesn't change my course of action.
I have come to the conclusion that if you want respect, you need to put yourself in a position of power...and power comes with assets and leverage.
assets and leverage come with options.
I am creating them.
I am no quitter, and I am willing to make all of my relationships work.
But on an equal basis...as an equal partnership.
Never again as some sort of 'subordinate'.
I had a fantastic workout...an hour to an hour and a half...
I have been on track with calories since my personal revelation.
I want to be fit and healthy and lookin' good.
I want to be educated, strong and independently financially stable.
I am moving forward on all fronts.
I choose to view this interlude as the kind of wake up call that changes my life for the better.
Because I choose to.
I will keep you all informed.
Chris out.


What you sensed was anger...rebuilding my chicken coup.

Depression is anger turned inwards..
and when you no longer feel the need to self flagellate..
anger turns outwards.

I read something a while back that changed how I viewed my childhood.
How I viewed my forgiveness.
How I viewed abuse.
and what answers I had
and wanted to give.
I was such a startlingly clarifying moment..
It knocked me on my ass.

Abuse is a choice.
Not an illness.
I know people will tell me that abusers must be mentally ill.
But I tell you, all they have is excuses.
And they have limits..
limits they tell you, others and even themselves..
That their behavior is not abusive because they hit with an open hand, or only belittle, or only control.
but it is.
I read a scene from a therapists' book.
In the scene she was pretending to be an abuser in a marital relationship.
And the people she was counseling.
They were giving her tips..
on how better to intimidate their 'loved' one.
LEAN CLOSER...yelled one.
pretend you are going to hit her! Yelled another.
"blame her and tell her it's her fault"...shouted another.
In those 'tips'..I recognized my abusive stepfather..
How he would hide behind sunglasses and stare...so you couldn't tell who he was looking at..
how he would loom..
how he would snap the belt in front of your face.
How he would use his silence to intimidate.
How he never called us by our name.
How he never allowed us to laugh.
and every last excuse I had concocted for his abuse was stripped away.
It was planned.
They say they are 'out of control'.
Isn't it funny how they only break your things?
Isn't it funny how they tell you that they aren't abusers because they don't hit with a closed fist.
They have a point they will not cross.
And if they cross that point they blame someone else.
If abusers abuse because they were abused.
Then why don't I abuse?
I think my interior inability to let go over the years was a direct result of knowing that every excuse I concocted for his abuse was bullshit.
We don't want to believe that people abused us voluntarily.
We want to believe they can't help themselves..
even though they go to work every day and treat their bosses and co workers in a civil manner.
Even when they are charming to the waitress or good to their siblings.
Why us?
They did it because  we were a convenient outlet for their  abuse.
They didn't do it because they loved and didn't know how to control it..
they did it because they love themselves and we were their pummeling dummy.
Theirs to control.
It changed everything.
And the choice I had to make was a hard one..
it wasn't so much to forgive in the classical sense.
It was a putting away of the past, and a realization that I cannot make decisions anymore based on fear or rage.
I refuse to live with the ball of anger or fear in me.
So...I choose to grab on to love and hope and use my knowledge to empower other women to see that while their abuser is making choices.
They have choices to make as well.
It changed the way I deal with and how I view people.
It changed what I will and won't accept.
And it sure kicked me in the ass about how I was using food..even in small amounts, to comfort myself and then making excuses as to why I was doing it.
Don't we all have excuses as to why things don't get done.
How our behavior is valid..
when many times it isn't.
What we do, how we live..
it affects people.
Our time on earth is limited.
Letting go of my anger has been quite the process.
I am not all the way there..
but I am part way there.
I intend to let people in..
to smile at people.
to not fear random men.
to love and to accept people despite their imperfections.
Because for years..any sign of poor decision making had me throwing up walls..
as if it would rub off.
That Kelly Clarkson song 'because of you'...that was me.
I refused to let anything messy pop up.
And I refused to be guided by emotion or to even acknowledge them.
I am now learning to acknowledge my emotions..
and to work through my irrational ones..act on my pertinent ones..
and I am learning to be happy..
to use my childhood as a catalyst for positive..
instead of a reverse image to fight against.
I am building my emotional chicken coup....and populating it with things that matter.
I tore it all down..
now I have to build it into what I want it to be...

Thank you Deb and Sue for  your concern. 
Chris out.


Whose permission do you need?

Whose permission do  you need to excel?
Whose permission do you need to not get beat?
Whose permission do you need to go to college?
Whose permission do  you need before you can lose weight?
Whose permission do you need before you can be happy?
Whose permission do you need before you can love again?
Whose permission do you  need to accept yourself?
Whose permission do you need to love your thighs?
Whose permission do you need to go to the gym tommorrow?
Whose permission do you need to find a new hobby?
Whose permission do you need to feel accepted?

When you allow others the right to dictate your happiness..your life choices...your state of being...
because you think they know what you should do.
You figuring it out and doing it.
YOU are handing the reins of your life to someone who doesn't have the manual.
And has their own agenda.
And if that person is an abuser..
then you have handed the reins of your life over..
to a manipulator who is USING YOU
to satisfy their need for control.
And while it may feel good to please them..
because you so badly want to please someone..
because you are never pleased with yourself..
it is an empty moment.
Draining you.
Not filling you.
A person who truly loves you will not attempt to grant you permission.
Will not degrade your dreams...
Will not  impede your progress...
But will support you while you find the strength within yourself to find out who you are on your own.
The only permission that is neccessary


worthy of love....even before you are perfect

I have had a realization...it only happened recently.
I has a lot to do with my last post.
I have invited into my life, people who are never happy with the status quo.
And that is great.
I like people who are always pushing for their own betterment.
But you know what.
It's okay to like yourself right now.
I know someone who is never happy with themselves..
and they have set their standard for life, for happiness..so high..
That there is no way to meet it.
And they have not only placed this expectation on themselves..
but on me, and on others.
And when I was younger..
I felt like I 'needed' to be pushed..
because deep down inside of me..
was a deep sense of inferiority.
I felt flawed in fundamental ways.
But a few months ago..
I began to resent the nitpicking..
the constant criticism.
And I realized...
that sometimes, when things weren't done..
or weren't okay..
that it was because I was exhausted.
And I am allowed to be exhausted.
I am allowed to be tired.
and sometimes I am allowed to be less than 100 percent.
I don't need to be told what to do all the time.
I know what to do..
if it isn't getting done...that is because I am at the end of my rope.
And sometimes you have to let things go for abit..
because there is just too much on your plate.
And learning to look a person in the face and say..
I don't need your criticism, I need your friendship and support..
and feeling that I deserve it.
Because I have been a good friend...and I have cut the other person slack...
is a huge step in owning myself and the rights to me, my mind, my space and my life.
I don't have to earn someone's love via spectacular performance.
They either love me or they don't.
They are either my friend or they aren't.
If I am a good, kind and loving support to them..
I should expect the same in return.
I am worthy of love...
I will never be perfect.
As Jesus said "I desire mercy, not sacrifice'...
so should your friends.
you of them
them of you.
Chris out.


If everything and everyone is wrong...the problem might be you.

Hello all,
have you ever known a person who was never happy?
oh, they might get temporary relief from the doldrums of life by having a new experience, or by buying something..or getting exactly what they want...
but it only lasts a short time.
they are the same pissy pants whiny baby they've been up til that point?
If that's the case...then the problem might not be everyone around them..

I am turning my filter off for one night to get this shit off my chest.
If you bitch every.single.f'ing.time someone tries to do something for you...because it isn't exactly what you want....
it might be you.
If the place you live is boring...
it might be you.
If your friends don't give you enough feedback, or you don't have A FRIEND because you think you are too smart, savvy, busy or good to befriend all the little people..
it might be YOU that is the asshole.

IF you bitch about your job being boring and not stimulating..and that all the people there are stupid..
but then turn down chances for advancement because you aren't going to have a target on your  back..
shut up.
it's you.

If you bitch about politics..but don't vote..
its you.

if the food is too salty, your clothes too scratchy...your sheets not nicely pressed...your life is
in every way


So f*cking fix it.
and stop taking your self pitying, moaning, victim identity out on the people WHO ARE HAPPY!
 It isn't our fault the world isn't what you wish it would be.
So stuff it!

And pull your head out of your ass.
And get happy..
I will not be listening to this shit anymore...
it will hit the buzzsaw of my indifference and will fly back into the face of YOUR incontinent stupidity.
this is family..no bloggy type people..But, if you see yourself in these words...and there is someone you are making miserable.... quit.
But I swear to God.
I am done.
Chris out.


Today....learning to defend against mugging...

That was class today.
It was very fun...I learned a wrist lock..arm break and an osoto gari..which is just A turn and a leg reap to the rear.
I really enjoy classes.
I am constantly made aware of many women in bad relationships.
Maybe they were always there..
maybe not...
but I  believe it's possible to be mugged in your own home.
by your significant other.
mugged of your peace of mind..
the right to a peaceful life, of a sense of well being..
of being loved by a good and a decent person.
We can be mugged psychologically..
or physically.
When  being mugged..
we can either stand there and allow it to happen.
we can fight back.
And I am here to tell you...
that no one has the right to lay a hand on you without your permission.
Just let that thought settle into your psyche.
No one has the right to belittle you..
tear you down.
make you feel less than.
Only you have the power to stop it.
but for right now..
I want you to feel the power of those words.
The first time I heard that...I snorted.
Because I have had plenty of people put their hands on me..
their mouths on me..
their ideas on me.
But accepting that simple premise..and it took some time.
Made me the owner of my own body.
Just a thought..
I will talk some more about this later.
just think about it.
see if, deep down, you really believe that.
Chris out.


finding the time to work out....

There is only one place to steal time from your day...
That is your 'disposable time'.
You may think you don't have any disposable time..
I didn't think I did..
even though I was a stay at home mom..
I homeschooled blah blah blha.
I watched a lot of television.
I read a lot
There's your time.
Pick one...cut into the time you spend surfing the net...watching a show...
or reading.
and exercise.
Exercise is about 20 percent of the equation.
Your food is 80 percent.
If you cap your calories at 1200 and don't exercise..
you'll lose.
If you only have about 20 pounds to lose.
You'll lose slowly.
If you add a 3 mile walk every day...and you are a 140 pound woman who wants to get to 120..
and you eat 1200 calories...
and don't exercise.
you'll lose about 1.5 lbs a month eating 1200 calories a day.
If you walk 3 miles a day every day?
Your calorie deficit will be 500 calories a day...
you go from a 6000 calorie deficit..
to a 15000 calorie deficit
Or a 4.2 lb loss.
You would reach your weight loss goals through diet alone in about 7 months.
with diet and exercise...under 4 months.
step up that exercise and it's 3 or less.
Just something to think about.
Chris out.


favorite workout music!

What's yours?
I need to put together some more music and I have some favs...but I was wondering what you all like to listen to...
I listen to alot of hip hop and hard rock when I workout..
I need to hard edged kind of sound to help me push past limits.
For instance..
I have been listening to rihanna and also ac dc..
so...any ideas?
leave them in the comments below!


Your mind got you fat

Food didn't get you fat.
Your brain got you fat.
Food can't up and stuff itself in your face..
only you can do that.
or I should say...
only I could do that.
Using food as a means to an end other than sustenance...
that's what got me fat.
And the most amazing thing was how I had convinced myself that I had no control over the issue.
I mean,
I literally had given up.
I remember vividly, after having an argument with my husband.
Hopping on a treadmill
and one minute in just crying..
I began to weep.
I said "I just can't.'
I was totally defeated...
mind, body and spirit.
At that moment I CHOSE FAILURE.
I didn't realize I was choosing it.
But I was.
Then one day I woke up from my stupor and chose to do a few things.
I didn't bother wondering if I could or couldn't.
I knew a few things.
I knew the food couldn't hop into my face unless I put it in..
And I had to make exercise a part of my life
consistency is a pain in the ass...
The first two years it consumed me..
then I realized I couldn't live like THAT for the rest of my life.
I knew I had to start living life...
I had to learn MODERATION.
moderation is a pain in the ass.
it's a learned skill.
Learning that you need to eat enough...but not too much.
Learning to exercise, but not kill yourself.
Learning to live your life..and have an occasional indulgence..
and not slip back.
Learning to have one cookie.
Learning to compartmentalize your life.
Learning to be happy..
Learning how to express your emotions, but not overwhelm others with them...
Learning that being skinny doesn't make you happy..ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT.
fat is a symptom.
The cure is a lot of work.
But it's doable.
And it's an ongoing project.
Chris out.


On the occasion of my 39th birthday.

Hello all,
Here I am..today was my birthday..
I am 39.
I have three goals for my 39th year.
The first is to get to my healthy weight..
which according to bmi charts is 141 lbs.
Anything beyond this, I have discovered..I don't really give a rip about. LOL
I just want to be strong and healthy...

number 2
I aim to say and act the way I would act if I knew this was my last year of life.
That is..I am going to say the things to others that people say when they are on their death beds.
Why wait?
As I have discovered over the last 39 years.
You think you have all the time in the world.
And then you don't.
This last year..I watched an 8 year old little girl fight cancer for the last time.
Daisy died a while back.
But I was so upset I couldn't even write about it.
That is what happens when I grieve.
I go inside myself.
Knowing yourself is important.
Knowing that each and every one of us is terminal?
also important.
Don't dick around.
While people are here...love them.
What good does a trip to a funeral do?
It's better to visit them before they die..
than show up at the funeral.
It's  better to tell the people you love how much you love them.
Not their casket.

Number 3
Really finding myself artistically.
Not sure what that looks like other than a lot of drawing and painting etc.
Letting go and moving on after I have completed something.
It's important.
I have sold two drawings and I only have 15. lol
I think I need to do quick sketches more.
So it's living authentically and out loud....honoring my body by feeding it properly so it attains it's  healthy weight...exercising to add life to my days and expressing my vision of the world through my art.

So in the spirit of saying exactly what I feel...thank you to the people who stumbled across my blog over the last three and a half years. Thank you to the people who have encouraged me and been there for me.
I suck at being consistant sometimes...but that's me...my writing comes in waves..I don't think this journey would have been as healing as it has been if I hadn't had people to bounce ideas off...if you hadn't handed me snippets of your life to learn from..I am grateful.


pictures of my art...

The basket and bananas were fun...the cutie not so much.
Above is a study of a birch..while I drew this at barnes and noble I overheard a conversation about conspiracy theories...I don't know what it is about drawing...but after a while you seem to disappear and people say the darndest things.

okay...those look crazy just uploaded...lol...some of my art I've been working on..just thought I would post it.  Whatever anything else may look like...the orange was the most difficult thing to draw...the first picture was a basket of bananas..and I had two cuties sitting at the bottom. I never thought about an orange before..or how to draw one...by the time I was done..I had managed to draw two orange lumps of indecipherable nothing. I cut them off the bottom of my picture..what you see there was the end result of three days of trying to draw a realistic orange...or in that case...realistic cutie.  To draw an orange... Use textured paper with dots...make all your lines curvilinear...follow the shape of the orange in a verticle manner with the lines curving in at the end...leave the highlights bare.  Underpaint with the complimentary for the shadow...so for orange...blue...and note that oranges have hints of green...do tonal till the end and then use lines for definition.  This week was texture...the next week or two will focus on perspective...also known as the bane of my existence.
Tomorrow will be my week in review on the eating and exercise front...
Chris out.


Why you should lose the extra weight: Part 1

To live life more fully.

I can't even begin to tell you the difference that eating less and moving more has made in my life.
It has turned me into a new person.
I used to be so concerned with all I wasn't or didn't have..
I used to think spending time on myself was selfish and wrong..
but in reality I was teaching my daughters to disregard their own dreams and their own health.
Your kids learn from you.

And they depend on you...not just for food, clothing and shelter..
but to learn how to be in the world.
I was so closed off and isolated...
I taught my oldest to be closed off as well.
While I was dropping the weight...
I went about unclenching as well.
I stopped fearing every shadow.
I decided to step out and embrace life.
And the more confidence I have that I can handle anything that comes my way.
The more confidence my kids have as well.
It's made a world of difference.
My oldest is learning to not fear new people or experiences..
and all of us are learning how to think positively.
How to try new things.
Meet new people.
commit to things without the fear of being rejected..or not fitting in..
because if we don't fit,
there is always somewhere else we will.
When I was obese..
I didn't like to leave my house.
Now I am at the gym...and working out nearly every day.
Because I love it..and I love to tell people about it.
Because it isn't just about being thin.
It's about being healthy.
And happy..
and living a life you don't want to run away from.
It's possible.
I am setting out goals for the next 9 months.
My knee is nearly healed so I can resume my self defense classes..
I am drawing three to four days a week.
I am homeschooling my youngest.
I am busy..
and happy.
I hope you all are too.
Enjoy the ride.
Chris out.
p.s. Thought I would add a relatively recent pic for those of you wondering if I had packed on the pounds lol!


Be prepared to be criticized

I know you all don't want to hear this..
but there is a down side to success.
Right now, you have molded friendships on your current state of being.
Changing that up is going to kick up dust....
As they say "You don't kick a dead Horse."
Up till now, you may not have experienced any criticism.
I didn't really experience it..
It isn't til you start putting yourself out there, that you open yourself up to criticism.
You will have a lot of resistance.
And even after..or especially after...you reach your goal.
You will have weak and bitter people who will attempt to pull you down.
or will get angry or jealous.
They may accuse YOU of having issues..
Take my mom..
she lost weight recently.
And she had a 'friend' tell her..
'you know, when you tell me about losing weight...it makes me feel bad.'
but when this same friend went on to lose 10 pounds...she wanted affirmation.
Yet, all the while my mom tried to lose weight..
this girl would make snarky comments about my mom's breasts getting smaller..
about how too much weight loss would make  her look older.
and how she was starting to look saggy.
Now, my mom is 60 and so a little sag is inevitable..
but she is not saggy.
but you see the issue.
It will be that way with anything you endeavor to do...
You will have people who are supportive.
And people who, for whatever reason, are terribly unhappy with themselves, so they take it out on you..
it can be as subtle as never asking about the one thing you find important in your life...
or giving backhanded compliments. i.e.  (Don't get too skinny, you will slip down a drain...you are starting to look scrawny OR Boy your husband must be glad you are finally losing the weight.)
or rolling their eyes whenever you mention what you are doing...even after you give them the courtesy of  listening to what is most important to them.
You can try waiting it out...sometimes people get over it.
Or you can move on and find friends who will be supportive..
It really depends on how bad it is..how long you've been friends etc.
Sometimes it's family.
In that case, a boot up the @ss may do the trick.
But if you really want whatever it is  you are aiming for...
Don't let the small people win.
Don't let others keep you small.
You can limit yourself for the benefit of others...but you only get one life..
Do you really want to get to the end of it and know you quit on yourself so another person wouldn't have to face their own shortcomings?
That doesn't sound good.
I know I don't.
Take yourself and your dreams seriously.
Don't talk down about them or yourself.
Give your ideas equal time...your goals equal weight.
So what if it is only important to you.
You matter.
Dream big.
Live big.
Chris out.


It takes courage to be yourself...

It's easy to mold yourself into what is expected of you..
sometimes it's the people you care about the most who want to change you.
You see, we all have different things that we place value on...
For me,
honesty, integrity, kindness toward the weak and less fortunate, and treating people with equality and dignity...
that and punctuality are at the top of the list.
In my mind...
the best way to be human is to be someone people don't have to guess at.
You will always know where I stand.
I will tell you what I truly think and feel.
I am me all the way through.
My word is my bond.
And I loathe a bully.
And I treat everyone as an intellectual and spiritual equal.
Which is why I am not big on people being late...
I used to view a propensity for being late as the ultimate in self centered behavior.
In my mind, someone who would make people wait for a half hour because they couldn't be bothered to get there on time says, "I am more important, and I have better places to be..so you don't count."
For me, it was that serious.
Then I met good people who were late consistently.
(In fact, since I hurt my knee..I have been late many times..simply because I am not as fast as I thought I was.)
And I realized that they simply didn't place as high a priority on punctuality as I did.
I think of it as honoring the other person's time.
They thought of time as more of a suggestion.
We all have our opinions on what makes a 'good person'.
Some are  basic...
some are merely our opinions.
Where people head off the rails is when they confuse the two.
And then cudgel people with their opinion by either implying a lack of character on the other person's part...
or being snotty when other people don't meet their standards.
I used to do this.
Then I finally realized that I have my own flaws.
And I was not one to judge.
I am impatient, I can have a foul mouth and a wicked bad temper.
But I also have my good points.
There are many components that make up a person.
I am all out there.
There is nothing hidden.
I have come to a point in life where I have decided I don't have time to placate other people and their need to perceive me in a certain way.
I am not changing and will not change for anyone.
If there is one thing you don't like about someone, but the sum of their parts indicates a good, decent and honorable person..maybe you need to let your need to be right alone.
But maybe that's just me..
I have learned to do that...with my family, with my friends.
None of us are perfect..
It's hard enough just to get up everyday.
To try and do the right things everyday..
For me, Remembering to forgive, and to have mercy is better than being right.
And remembering that we each have our own issues...is even better.
From here on out I intend to move forward.
My true friends and family will be there for me...as I will be there for them.
All others will fall by the wayside.
And that's okay.
Chris out.


Don't just 'get skinny'...get happy.

Hey ya'll...I have been very, very busy.
I think I have put the final key in place.
It isn't exercise..
or diet...
or having a mission in life.
Which I have.
The final key is having something you do that you love so much,
it lets all the things you feel you must do slide away.
It's a way to relax and be happy.
As anyone who is morbidly obese..
or obese..
or has been...
will tell you...
I used to use food to make me happy..
or cheer me up.
or calm me down.
Now I use exercise for stress and anger relief.
I have myself defense class as a mission.
And my art is my fulfillment of me.

I have replaced the eating and the 'feeling' of fulfillment...
with actual fulfillment.
With things that mean something.
Not things that harm me.
So, in the morning...where I used to get up and skip breakfast and watch television..
Now I get up and go work out.
Or go to self defense class and then workout.
During the day I am cleaning and helping my family.
And in the evenings where all my dis spiriting thoughts would enter...
when I would again be watching tv and eating...
I am drawing.
I have wanted to blog...I have a lot to say.
But I am lacking time.
I need to make time slots to blog in..
because between homeschooling, drawing, working out and keeping up the house and all that entails..
I don't have any time.
I started down the road to get skinny, or in reality...to just not be fat.
Now I realize I really started down the road to come fully into who I want to be.
Getting skinny is not a goal.
IT's an outcome.
that will enable you to become all that you want to be..
without impediment.
I know from personal experience.
The inertia that comes with that feeling of having failed to be who you always thought you would be.
It's very easy to get caught in the mud.
to feel as if you CAN'T break free.
IT's a long hard climb out of the mud pit.
And it is very, very tiring..
especially when  you are first beginning.
If you have been overweight or obese for a very long time..
you may think it isn't affecting you.
I would say you're wrong.
Even an extra 20 or 30 pounds is very tiring.
If skinny people don't know what I'm talking about...go get a 30 pound weight vest and wear it all day.
or better yet...130 pounds.
Obese people aren't lazy..
they are tired.
and they have used food as a coping mechanism.
Just like some skinny people use drugs, alcohol, or shopping...
Skinny people just hide their coping mechanisms better...

It's a lot of initial resistence.
If you have been tired, and using food for years.
you really have to take 3-6 months and just focus intensely to get the ball rolling.
But to start..
you simply begin.
No fancy diet
No fancy shoes, or clothes or detailed plans..
cap your calories and walk...
And you will begin to feel momentum.
I have really made my life what I want it to be.
I will write again in a few days.
Chris out.


If you're not burning fat...you're storing fat

Just remember that the next time you pound out a one hour workout...
come home
and some nit has brought home something you love
french bread

you have to create a calorie deficit to lose weight.
Don't trade what  you really want for what you want right now.
It's not worth it.
Turn around and walk away.


The power of becoming who you are truly meant to be....

This one is a humdinger..
and perhaps not meant for the faint of heart or easily offended..
If you get offended easily..
slide on out the back.

Now. I was at the gym today.
And I got a bit irritated.
I was on an ellliptical *YEA!*
(glad to be back on a piece of cardio equipment..this 'letting the leg rest' thing was awful)
and I look to my right.
And there is a man and a woman..
boyfriend and girlfriend I believe.
She was all done up in makeup and hair..
and skimpy outfit.
on an elliptical...while her boyfriend programmed her equipment for her...while she was working...
he was telling her how to make her body over in a way that would give her a 'tighter ass.'
while she giggled and acted like she was either a five year old or an illiterate.
I couldn't tell which.
So, I am going to town...and the guy programming her her thing looks over at me.
I was in my martial arts t shirt.
And he gave me the eye.
Not the good one...but a 'your not in your proper place' eye.
I gave him the stink eye back.
Cause that's me..
If I could have flipped him the bird, I would have.
If I would have had a card to my training facility..I would have given it to his girlfriend.
Weak men don't like strong women.
Weak men are afraid of a confident woman.
Weak men like weaker women.
Because deep down, they are afraid of not being enough of a man to handle a strong woman.
My husband loves me because I am a strong woman...
When I mentioned that incident to him...(while we were practicing jabs on a heavy bag)
he said a tall african american woman was running at the same time he was..
and she was faster than him..
and when the time came to pass him...she didn't..
she stayed behind him.
and he kept waiting.and she didn't pass..even though she could have.
I think we women need to look at our mentality..and ask ourselves..
Do we say one thing and then either consciously or subconsciously play to old stereotypes so as not to stand out?
Why do we fear being strong.
Do we fear  whittling down the pool of available men.
Do you really want a man so morally weak, that he relies on your failure to feel more like a man?
So after Tim and I were done with the jabbing.
We went downstairs..Where I was the only woman in the weight room.
and got the eye from a few more guys.
Till I benched 90 pounds 5 times
and 75 lbs 8 times...two more times.
Most of the men looked away..but one or two looked at me with respect..
and one or two looked at me with a face that said dyke.
And you know what I think of that.
**** you.
I love me.
I love my power.
I love what my body is capable of..
and I won't let small and weak minded people stop me.
And if you are allowing the expectations of others stop you...
just know that the power of becoming who YOU ARE...and not who people EXPECT YOU TO BE.
is the most liberating feeling you will ever have.
Get out there and kill it every day.
Live and love life.
chris out.


Why the 'west wing' is not a workout.

so...inertia...that's where I am at...rest my leg for the first week...
today I got to take a 'small walk' around the neighborhood.
tomorrow I will be headed to the gym where I can do the upper body portion of this mother.
but lower body, not so much.
Then I will take another 'small walk'.

but In the MEANTIME.
I am into season 2 of the west wing.

It's a great show..
My vocabulary improves daily..
I laugh.
But I can feel my @ss spreading.
nuff said.

I haven't sat around this much since I was obese.
I can't really remember  how to do it properly.
ah well..
this is temporary.
Hope you are all moving forward.
Chris out.


Saving your life and patience

I am a big proponent of saving your life..
One of my instructors from the defense institute just posted part 4 of why a lot of self defense instructors are full of crap.
He has been talking about avoiding getting raped...if any one here wants some REAL tips, Free tips...head here.

You can save your life by fending off an attacker, dropping the weight,  finding a partner who doesn't diminish you...finding something you're are passionate about.

I am all about moving forward these days.

Every once in a while I drive by the house of a woman who was murdered by her husband.
There are days like today that I am feeling very impatient with my body.
I just want everything to be fixed.
I think this is a time of testing for me...
What will I do with the obstacles in my way.
I am not good at waiting.
But I have to wait.
If I don't wait, I will damage myself further.
And make my wait longer.
Much like dieting,  healing takes time.
If you try to get ahead of yourself..you simply end up frustrated.

I know what it's like to want the weight off NOW.
I still get that way.
But it went on a day at a time..
it will come off a day at a time.

It's just hard when you wake up one day and finally realize what it is you want..
and you have the impetus...the gumption.
The want to.
And you can't....yet.
So instead of preparing my body..
I need to be preparing my mind.
Do what you can, when you can.
then when the fetters are off..
You are already at full speed.
Chris out.


the ballad of the one legged rower

Well, I actually got  a workout in...
I did 20 minutes of frantic calisthenics..
so 250 situps altogether...
seated kettlebells
seated stick work
exercise ball chest presses...
then I hobbled out to the rowing machine and did 20 minutes on that with one leg.
I even outlasted the guy beside me..
of course it was probably his warm up..
whereas it was my whole work out.
My food was great...
1580 calories of veggies and protein and fruit.
No whining, no crying.
Just figuring out day to day what to do..
and doing it.
till I get better..
if it's one legged rowing.
I am going to have one hell of a toned right leg by the time this is finished.

Hope you all didn't let anything or anyone stop you today.
Chris out.

whoops...I broke it.

well, not really 'broke' but screwed up..
my knee
I was practicing knife fighting (I know)
in self defense class.
planted my leg to my left..
did a fancy shmancy move to the right..
and popped it.
and ended up in the emergency room
where I was told I probably had a torn meniscus
which I can cut out with surgery
which will leave me permanently lopsided.
or I can try to heal...
which will leave me with clicking.
and locking .
I opted for clicking and locking.
I am of the
"once it's gone it ain't coming back" school
So the 'challenge' now is figuring out how to exercise minus one good leg..for the next 8 weeks or so.
I am going to trying one legged rowing today.
maybe swimming.
walking is okay after a week or two.
I can still do toning for upper body and abdomen.
I'll be fine.
Keeping my calories intact will be that much more vital now.
kind of ironic..
isn't it.
Will write more later.
Chris out.


Why pre-planning my meals is VITAL

I suck at lunches
I am good with dinner..
breakfast is the same nearly every day..
eggs and toast.
Much like the book Bread and Jam for Frances...I never get tired of it

But lunch.
I never know what to eat.
So I tend to 'throw away' the most calories in the middle of the day
Calories I can ill afford to lose
I need to feel full-or sated
When I go to bed at night.
I have issues sleeping.
I always have.
So it behooves me to make myself as comfortable as possible.
So I have to be very tight with my calories to fit them under my 1500 calorie cap for the day

My latest attempt at this effort is pre-making my lunch.
I don't much care what I eat for breakfast and lunch
Dinner is a different story.
So on Saturday I made 7 meals
Yes, they are all the same meal.
I sauteed  four zucchini, four bell peppers of different colors...mushrooms and one onion.
Then I baked about 21 ounces of chicken breast....boneless and skinless.
then in each container I put 1 and 1/2 cups of veggies and 3 ounces of chicken and topped it with spicy szechaun sauce..each meal clocks in at around 250 calories including the oil and sauce in my calculations.
Today when I was done at the gym I was hungry.
Instead of doing what I had been doing for next to a year and a half...overeating after a strenuous workout...
I went home and had a meal.
It's vital.

For my workout I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and a one mile walk and then upper body and lower body toning for about 20 minutes
I don't know If I mentioned it here..but I jacked my knee up a month ago while doing sparring in my self defense class..then got the flu.
It's been a long month.
Well, yesterday I was on the elliptical, and my knee that had refused to bend in any substantial way for nearly three weeks made a strange clunking sound.
I stopped dead and waited...then stepped off the elliptical.
and realized that while my knee was sore in a muscle sore kind of way...
It no longer felt unaligned.
I think my staying in bed for two days with the flu this past week,  allowed the knee swelling to go down and my knee to heal itself.
Maybe the flu was God's way of getting me to stop long enough to heal.
I am stubborn.
Well, I will write more tomorrow..this is becoming a novel.
Chris out.



One of the greatest horses who ever lived.

He belonged to Alexander the great, if a horse can ever truly belong to somebody.

No one could tame him...
He was Beautiful.
Black coated with Blue eyes and a white star on his forehead.
Strong and with a noble lineage.
But so untamed that he couldn't be sold.
He had made himself of no value.
But Alexander was willing to try..and if he could tame him, he could have him for free.
Because no one thought the horse could be tamed...they were willing to give a horse of infinite value away for free..
But that's a different story for another day.

So Alexander tried.
and he finally figured out what others couldn't..
That to tame him
You had to turn him into the sun.
Because Bucephalus was afraid of his own shadow.
Once Alexander did...he had no problems taming him.
Together they conquered large swaths of land...
And Alexander and Bucephalus are legend.

I spent years afraid of my own shadow.
It was a long shadow.
It held all the memories of my past failures.
The weight of other's expectations.
And quite frankly...a fear of my own success.
Because deep down I knew what I was capable of...
God made me for a purpose.
Not to sit and wither.
But whenever I went to saddle up..
I would bolt the reigns.

 Afraid of what would happen to me should I apply the harness of discipline and allow myself to set a course.

Then one day I turned my face to the sun.
And with my shadow behind me.
I went forward.
Turn your face to the sun..
The shadow will be what's left behind.
Chris out.


Don't pretend you aren't sick when you are sick...

That was me.
I have been spending the last 9 days pretending this was a cold when it was apparently worse than a cold.
It nearly went into my lungs (not to mention just plain kicking my ass and not letting go)
So  I admitted defeat today and spent today in bed.
I will probably spend tomorrow in bed as well.
Better my bed than a hospital bed.
Word to the wise and  unwise..
If you are sick, let yourself be sick.
Don't 'push through it'.
Or you prolong it..

I am an idiot.
Chris out.


Learning not to give a crap what people think...

OKAY....I realize I have not been around for a few days..I have been sick as a dog!

But I am feeling better and tomorrow I will be back at it!
That being said..
I was listening to the radio on the way home  to the store today.

They were talking about people who were obese...
and the radio announcer called people who were morbidly obese..
"Big fat pieces of crap."


He really said that..
He said "How do you shove food in  your face until you are a big , fat, piece of crap."
Then here is the kicker.
He said...
I am not a thin guy..but I am not over 300 pounds.

I thought "Well, la-de-da!"
Congratulations, you're merely overweight...that somehow makes you superior?

Do you think anyone would have said that about a person who was a drug addict..

How do you keep shooting up till you are a withered piece of crap.
Of course they don't ask that.
They know it's an addiction.
So is food for some people.
I think it's easy for people who have never truly had a weight problem to judge others with one.
Just like anything.
So I say to skinny people who don't understand how someone gets that big..
They get that big because they used food as a drug.
And beyond that it's really none of your business.
No wonder it's so hard for Obese people to start a weight loss program.
I look back now...and it seems daunting still!
Telling people what "worthless bags of crap" they are is not a motivator...
Stop being such judgemental pr*cks.
Maybe help...or if you can't...shut up.
Until then.
Anyone trying to lose weight.
Tune out the incredibly dimwitted people  around you...
or ditch them period.
It doesn't matter what they think.
It matters what you think.
I think tomorrow will be a good day...
over to vee arnis class and an hour of cardio..
1500 calories...etc.

OH...and if you look to my blog roll...one of my senseis has a blog...midgets don't mug people..he is just starting and could probably use some support..PLUS he is giving great safety tips for FREE...SO go check him out and follow...you will get information free that I pay dearly for...wait....hmmmm....
Chris out.


A new direction...

Hey guys,
I have decided that it's time I took this blog in a new direction...yes, I am still losing weight, but more than that I am moving forward everyday with my plans, goals and dreams.
I am very excited about this.
I will add a page that deals with some of my older posts...maybe you guys could give me your ideas on which posts were the most helpful.
And I will post a link to those on that page.
I have added a page called "Work Out with Brooke and Chris...
I will have a different workout on there every week.

From here on out, it is about now and the future.
My martial arts training.
My workouts to lose the fat and gain the muscle, flexibility and speed I will need to be a good instructor.
I will be talking about my evolving philosophy on nutrition.
I am trying to integrate my food intake with my family's while both losing and maintaining my  weight.
I will be talking about new exercises and perhaps new fitness goals...
I am very excited.
Hope you guys will still be following along.
Chris out.


Because I deserve it.

I had a little talk with a friend the other night.
We were discussing my mindset from three and a half years ago.
I went to walmart with my baby brother..
and the cashier thought we were married.
And I remember thinking...or feeling..
Oh jeez, how embarrassing for Pook, he deserves better than for someone to think he is married to me.

I look back at that..
and think..
A.) I should have valued myself a whole lot more.
My weight didn't and doesn't make me infinitely better or worse than anyone.

I deserved to feel good about myself.
I deserved to spend time treating myself and my body right.

I think women in general have this sense that taking care of themselves is somehow selfish.
Then when they wipe themselves out taking care of others..
and are overweight and tired.
And then they have to deal with criticism of their weight..
They get depressed and turn it inwards.
Instead of outwards.

When they say "But I'm too busy.."
and their spouse, or mother or whatever says "No one asked you to do all this."
But then the family is used to you making yourself readily available..
a doormat really..
and you begin to take time to do the things to get yourself on the right track.

Whatever they said before.
There will be resistance and resentment.
Because who doesn't like having a person willing to bend over backwards 24/7 to make their life easier?
But that's okay...just point out that you are doing this for your health.
And that everyone else is just going to have to pitch in..
and just like they adjusted to your doing everything.
They will adjust to your Not doing everything.
Push past that.
Because you deserve it.
It took a while for my family to be okay..
maybe a year or so..
but now everyone pitches in around the house..
it isn't just me anymore.
There is more balance.
And I can start to pursue some of my dreams..
because they are just as important as anyone else's.
 I count..so do you.
chris out.


What will kill you.

Denial will kill you.
That is why I was so mean with that lady and her letter.
I spent years thinking I was better than a person in my life because I didn't drink.
I was burying myself with food.
She is too.
But she won't admit it.
I hate seeing it.
I am working on getting a black belt...
It will take me years.
When I do, I will be training women to defend themselves.
I will be dealing with women who have been in abusive relationships..
many of whom will probably STILL be in abusive relationships.
Every day we meet people in the grips of a crisis.
In the midst of a true problem.
We can have compassion...but when someone is so stuck in denial...
The truth is the only thing that works.
many of the women I will one day work with will no doubt be in denial about the danger they are in.
But I will make a point in my classes...all my classes...to state statistics.
The reality is...obese people (of whom I used to be one) are more prone to heart attacks, diabetes and other  diseases...
The reality is...a woman in an abusive relationship is in grave danger...three women are murdered everyday in this country by their significant other.
What sent me down the road of weight loss was knowing that I deserved  better and knowing that what I was doing was damaging not only me, but my family.
What sent me down the next road...the road of wanting to teach self defense..was the death of a woman in the adjoining neighborhood..
who had been married for a few years, her husband had ptsd and the police had been called to her house on a few occasions for domestic assault.
So when he took out the gun and said 'leave and I'll shoot'...
She didn't take it seriously.
she turned with her baby in her arms...
and went to leave.
And he shot her in the head.
in front of their children.
I have seen bloggers and weight loss dieters come and go...
I have people come here to this blog, from a memorial blog roll...from a very sweet lady who died too soon and left her young children  because she had a heart attack.
IT is serious.
For some it's 10 pounds..
For many of us, it's life and death.
skimpy outfits and muscles will not kill you.
hardened  arteries and diabetes will.
I'm sorry If I offended...but I decided to not stand idly by and let that kind of reasoning just lie there..unanswered.
I have to choose what to care about, what to direct my attention to...and these are the two subjects I have chosen.  Most of my readers know me and know my heart...They know where I am coming from...
I am not much of a sugar coater.
But I do care.
I want to make my life all it can be...
I believe that  everyone is capable of doing the same.
I truly believe this.
But I believe the first step is being honest.
I hope you all understand that when I write something, I write it out of  a place of actually caring...of wanting to point out a dangerous mindset...which is why I didn't write her name.
I recognized in that letter...some of the things that kept me fat for years.
Maybe some of you recognized it as well...I don't know.
But if we can't be  honest..we'll never get to where we want to go.


Sh*t people say....you won't believe this.

Okay...You know how I am always rattling on about mindset right..
I was reading a magazine and came across this letter.

I would have been too embarrassed to send this kind of letter...but this lady probably doesn't even realize how ...okay, I am just going to say it..
How stupid she sounds.

In a nutshell, this sums up why she will never get anywhere with health or weight loss.
Her mind is skewed..
I will type out the letter....with commentary..
and you guys can tell me if you've met anyone with a similar mindset..
cause I have.

I am not going to put which mag I found this in...or the ladies name..
but it's  a women's health magazine.
nuff said:

Here is the letter:
I want my money back, ________(name of mag).  I subscribed last year, hoping that your magazine would help me become skinny-the doctor says I am about 50 lbs. overweight. But now that I'm receiving a steady supply of magazines, I know it's not for me. In fact, I'm embarrassed to keep your magazine out on the coffee table. The women are dressed too skimpily, and their shape is too hard and muscular. I don't want to look like that. I tried one of the workouts once and I swear I could feel my arms getting bigger. No thanks!

at first I thought this was a joke letter..
but then I realized that I have actually met women who think this way...in fact at one point I thought this way to some extent.  Mostly the 'too hard and muscular' thing...
so let me go through this letter and point out what should be obvious to anyone who has had any kind of weight loss success.

number 1: she subscribed hoping the magazine would make her skinny...
magazines don't make you skinny...they give you ideas..just like a gym membership doesn't get you fit unless you use it..and food doesn't make you fat unless you eat too much and the wrong kind.

my favorite bit there was the steady supply line. I actually laughed...as if when the as the quantity picked up, her weight should go down faster.

She is embarrassed by women in bra tops and shorts...
This is too stupid to quantify.
I see less on prime time tv.
I think what she is embarrassed by, is the simple presence of people who aren't expecting a magazine to make them skinny.

Too hard and muscular.
I have been 100 pounds overweight.
I would rather have biceps that are big because there is muscle, than 5 pounds of fat hanging off the bottom of my arm, waving hi in a stiff wind.

and last, but certainly not least...one workout wasn't making anything bigger...unless she went to mcdonalds after and got a big mac...then that was her butt...not her bicep.
What would possess her to type such drivel is beyond me..

But I hear it every day...
it's as bad as women who don't eat because all they want is to be skinny.
Your health cannot be purchased.
It must be earned.
I wish I could get back those 15 years of obesity.
My muscles move me...and keep my skeletal structure in place.
my food propels me...it doesn't make me sick.

This whole letter screams excuses...she doesn't even own it...she says the doctor thinks she is overweight.
Reminds me of me when I was overweight...I would minimize the effect on my health...
We need to change how women see fitness...
Being strong, and assertive and able is nothing to be ashamed of.

That's all for today.
Chris out.


Begin your Vision Quest

I am creating a vision board for 2013.  I will post it in three days, if blogger lets me..if not I will try to post a pic to facebook and leave a link for the general public...or it could go on pinterest.

My vision for this year is two fold.
lose the rest of my weight and lose some debt.

I used to think losing my weight meant I wanted to look like this...

Not anymore...

Now I know that I want it to look like this. ^

I used to think I had no other purpose but to make other people's dreams come true..
At 35 I thought it was too late.
Now I know better.
I am making my dreams happen.
I earned my first belt in vee arnis jitsu.
I am a senior white belt.
Next up is yellow belt.
In four years..I hope to be teaching.
Teaching other women to defend themselves.
To help THEM get  a vision of what they want their lives to be.
It started with me sitting down in 2009 with one simple vision.
That was to lose weight...
by eating 1800 calories..and by walking every day.
All you have to do is start.
When you begin doing the right thing FOR YOU.
When you begin to respect yourself and the life you were given.
Each step leads to the next step.
Knowing you could do the first step gives you confidence to move on.
So pick the one thing you need to do and begin..
and you will be amazed at how quickly the rest begins to fall into place.
In one year, your life will be completely different..
But don't worry about that now.
be S.M.A.R.T.
Time bound.

So, don't pick 'I want my whole life to be different'.
Pick something about your life.
Toxic people that need be dumped.
You want to lose some weight.
You want a different job.

Which people
How much weight
What kind of job

At the end of your time table you should be able to answer with alacrity...
Is the person gone?
How much weight did you lose?
Do you have a new job?

You're the toxic person (In that case work on your personality)...or that toxic person is someone who depends on you..(but for the most part...you can ditch toxic people..even a spouse, it isn't pleasant but it's doable.)
50 lbs in a year is achievable...200 isn't.
you are 5 foot tall, 50 years  old and you want to play in the nba.

You won't be achieving world peace any time soon..
make it relevant to your life.

Don't say "Well...I'd like to lose weight...someday."  It's a recipe for a never ending dance.
Since it's January 2nd, 2013...
Make it one year..with mini goals every month, or three months etc.

So...move toxic people out...
gain some different friends..
send a letter by such and thus a date.
go and join some social clubs or activities you enjoy.
meet new friends

Weight loss:
lose 4 pounds a month...with a total weight loss of 48 lbs in a year.  (I know....that's alot!)
set a calorie cap..
set an exercise goal.
write a food list..
Then do it.
Begin now, it's completely possible.

For a new job...get training...
set a goal to sign up for classes by march.
write your resume.
put out feelers and make contacts in the industry you are interested in..
Write your steps out..
and then do one thing each day to move forward.

I am marking off each day of this year...when I hit 135 that is when I am finished with weight loss.
I am also working on being very strong and flexible.
I want to be able to bench 100 pounds 10 consecutive times by the end of the year..(right now I can bench 60 pounds)
I want to be able to do 50 push ups. ( right now I can do 18)
5 minutes of jumping jacks. (Right now I can do 2.5 minutes)
I want to avoid injury...and continue to learn my craft.
I am attending my vee arnis jitsu classes three times a week with one hour of cardio after.
The other three I work out with my friend Brooke and do 30 minutes of cardio.
I have a list of no go foods...
These foods lead to binges, so I don't eat them.
white flour
white sugar

Keeping my goals front and center keeps me from forgetting what I am aiming for.
Put reminders everywhere and keep your mind focused on what it is you WANT.
Set yourself up for victory.
Don't run away, run to..
and remember that each day you can  be moving closer to your goals..
or further away.
clear your surroundings of pitfalls.
and find people with a similar mindset.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Chris out.


How in the h*ll did I get here..and How do I get out?

I said I would write about  rebuilding yourself from the ground up and so here I am.

If you are reading this...the title brought you here...if you aren't...the title didn't interest you...
I suspect anyone reading this who was interested has been in that position.
One minute you think your fine...the next, not so much.

I have had several friends this year experience that exact feeling.
They look down one day and everything they thought was real, wasn't...everything that was going well...stopped going well...

or perhaps they were asleep at the wheel and woke up in the ninth circle of hell.
They know they were in the car..
They made the choices.
They chose the turns and the off ramps.
But now they are awake and looking around and saying, "What happened!"

That little blurb above was me.
One minute I was thinking "I'm just a bit chunky."
The next I am awake and realizing that I am not a bit chunky...but that I am morbidly obese.
not only that..
But I have been acting the part of a person I thought I should be..
sleepwalking through life...
living vicariously through others...
going through the motions in every relationship I was in..
You name it, I wasn't doing it.

What do you do when you look down and realize that your whole life is nowhere near what you would like it to be: and you think you've been doing the right thing because you've constructed this image of how you should act and what you should do?

Maybe your definition of 'right thing' needs to change.
Maybe everything you have told yourself is a lie..because you didn't know what else to believe or do?
Maybe there is a new way of looking at things.
You are going to have to sit down and clearly map out what choices and beliefs have gotten you to where you are...
write out what isn't working..
and then start thinking about what beliefs or actions have created the circumstances.
Some ( I would say most) we control..
some we don't.
I had no real role models as pertains to marriage..
and the few I did have were either very poor, or a little late in the game.
It took years of reading and studying to even come close to seeing what a marriage should look like.
And then tailoring those ideas to my husband and I.
Until then, I only had ideas of what a 'good wife' should do..
I had ideas of what a good friend was...
What a good mother was...
I had a map...and I followed it.
And it lead me to complete and utter misery.

Did I have good things despite that..
oh yes.
But HOW I was living was making me very unhappy.
I thought to be a good mother, wife and friend..I had to make myself useful.
I had no real self esteem..
I wasn't okay to just be me..
I wasn't enough.
I had to earn affection.
So I never asked for anything, and I never complained.
All of those actions were based on the belief that I wasn't enough..
It was a lie.
I wore myself out.
I made myself fat by using food for things I should have been getting from people.
And I made myself a martyr to everything I thought I wanted..
and couldn't understand that none of it was necessary.

So I know how I got there...
but how did I get out?
First I had to realize that 'there' was NOT where I wanted to be.
I had to figure out what I did want..
and most importantly..
I had to understand that I was worth it.
Since I had shut out so many people.
I really had no one to talk to about these things.
So if you are reading this and are thinking...I don't have anyone.
Then you are going to have to be enough right now.
YOU are going to have to be your best friend.
Your toughest critic.
YOur biggest cheerleader.
You have to hire yourself to  be your life manager.
I did this by saying to myself
"What would you say to your daughters or someone you cared about who wanted to improve themselves?"
Would you say "It's too late."
"Don't inconvenience people?"
Or would you encourage them to try!
That they could do it!
If you looked at your life right now...and someone else was running it, would you fire them or give them a raise?
Are you living a life you want to live?
Or one you are merely surviving.
Is it a life, or is it a life sentence?
If you would have told me three years ago that I would be 100 pounds lighter, that my marriage would be happier..
that I would have many friends, a new church home, a new career path...
And all of that would come about because I DECIDED...
I would have thought you were insane.
But the first step is deciding what you DON'T WANT.
The next is deciding what you DO WANT.
So figure out where you are...what happened..and what choices and or actions have lead you there..
maybe you lied to yourself because you didn't want to face an unpleasant truth
Maybe you have been procrastinating because doing the one thing you know you have to do is too painful. Maybe you thought by sacrificing everything you want and love, you could make others happier..I don't know.
But you know it didn't work.
YOU know your actions and thought patterns have gotten you to this place..and you know that you have to change to get out of this place.
Then you have to decide what you need to do to make things right.
Be honest, make yourself a priority, demand respect...you know what needs to be done.
What better time than now?
So the only thing I knew at first was that I wanted to lose weight and make my marriage better..
if you only have one thing.
Write that down.
Your one thing.
It's a new year..
own it.
Chris out.