Thinspiration or anorexia

Hey all,
Back from beyond,,,
I have been getting my calories in under my calorie cap and getting my exercise in..
Day 3 of really really watching it.
My husband bought netflicks and I have to admit to getting sucked in to a less than stellar show..
a guilty pleasure as it were.
Dallas cowboys cheerleaders: Making the team.
And let me tell you.
It's difficult to make that team.
You have to be beautiful, you have to be able to dance, be flexible, be up on current events, know the history of the cowboys football team, have a pleasing personality, learn routines quickly, be good under pressure and be articulate.
It's competitive.
And even once you are on, you have to re earn your spot year after year.
But there was one scene I found riveting.
when a 124 lb girl was told she looked 'chunky' and needed to lose weight.
20 lhs less then me.
No wonder so many girls have eating disorders.
My little one was watching with me when this happened so I leaned over and said
"That girl is healthy...they want her to look a certain way, but the way she is, is healthy."
Now I have to admit...watching one of these shows at nine at night is enough to make the thought of eating some buttered crackers out of the question.
But to be inundated with this message...(and in our society I think it's incredibly prevelant)
I think it would be very damaging.
Being healthy is one thing...being obsessed with every ounce of fat....
Maybe it's the impossible expectations that cause a kind of back lash.
If you can't be 110 lbs and a size zero, what's the point?
We should be focused on health..instead we have managed to have our girls focus on skinny thighs, pert tits and perfect teeth.
well, I had a great day.
painted the rest of my wall and it is now a cream color...I will try and post a picture tomorrow.
I will also attempt to get around to a few blogs tonight.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


Fun day at the Zoo...

well, Today instead of my regular walk I took the kids to the zoo where we walked around for about 2.5 hours. It was fun...I couldn't get any of the pictures to upload here so I put them in over at face book for the world to view.
Enjoy and have a great night..
off to live life,
Chris out...


parking between the lines....

Hey all.
Today was a long day...went and tried to get rid of the last of our girl scout troops cookies.
we did pretty well and only have a few left.
so it's all good there.
Then I decided to go grocery shopping...
and so did everyone else.
nuff said.
but as I was pulling into the parking lot I pulled up and parked very nicely next to a car...left plenty of space. We were evenly aligned.
Then I got out and looked down.
I was crooked as heck.
The person I had aligned myself with was either on a drunken bender or was having some sort of seizure as they parked....
But I parked in the way they specified.
So who is the bigger fool. lol.
I got back in my van and backed out...and then parked between the lines.
Leaving the other car sitting there...it's error now obvious instead of repeated.
Ever do that.
align yourself with another car only to get out and realize you parked poorly because they did?
It's the same thing with just about anything in life.
Don't park your car according to other people's standards.
I have to keep reminding myself..
human beings are error prone.
I should know, I am one.
There are lines..
In my world made by God.
That's the line I should be walking..
I shouldn't be going around saying..."well, I don't use the f word...so I am not as bad as ____________"
At least I don't judge others on their appearance...
My standard isn't the lowered expectations of other people.
Just like my diet isn't based on the crap other people are currently shoving in their face...
my exercise level is not dependent on whether my husband joins me.
And what I do with my life isn't contingent upon anyone else's expectations.
I have been thinking about the things I have always wanted to do....
and one thing I have always wanted to learn, is to play the piano.
I think I am going to get me an 88 key keyboard and learn.
It will take some time to save up the money.
There are lessons on that youtube.
But If I don't start,I will never learn.
If I hadn't started exercising and eating right, I never would've been a size 8/10.
My husband said He had 'given up' on me being thin and thought that was the way I'd always be....fat.
Luckily I didn't settle into other people's expectations.
Not even my own.
Each day...You have to draw your lines and park in them.
Don't park according to someone else's lines.
Big hugs.
Chris out.


Welcome to Chrisbodia-Day 1 Year zero....Thank you.

I am back.
I had some thinking to do.
I am a kind of 'free spirit'.
I don't like rules...or the rules that are there, I like to tweek them till they work for me, Not me work for them....
So when I ran into this brick wall I will dub 'reality'.
You know, the one that showed me that I will always have to fight this with the same intensity I have shown for the last year and then some (two years on may 4th)
I got a little discouraged.
I know I make it sound like it's all pegged.
But every day I have to get up and say 'No'....
No to bread, no to ice cream...no to numbing my feelings.
I did it for so long..nearly fifteen years...that I had a lot of growing to do.
So I had a minor hissy fit.
I really had to ask myself If this was worth the doing for the rest of my life..
and yes,
it is.
I feel so much better.
I am a better example to my children.
I have so much more energy now.
I thought that maybe at some point, I would be able to set this journey on cruise control.
I didn't want my weight or weight loss to define me.
I wanted to struggle, overcome it and move on.
But as a believer in God....
I know that sometimes we define ourselves...and sometimes we are defined.
Just as paul had a thorn in his flesh...it seems that I do too.
This will always define me.
Adn it seems that if I am to take this weight off and keep it off, this will always have to be a top priority.
Or it will come back on.
And that isn't acceptable for me.
My default setting when things get hard or I get upset is to eat.
Like a drunk drinks
or a druggie drugs.
Every day is day 1 year zero in Chrisbodia.
Yesterday is gone,I can't coast on yesterdays victories or drown in a defeat.
Tomorrow isn't here.
Today is all that matters.
I have just wanted to say thank you for all the kind and supportive comments I have recieved.
And also a big thank you to everyone who pours some of themselves out in the comments section of this blog.
It always manages to restore my faith in humanity.
So, Thank you.
Chris out.


death is not the worst thing that can happen....

Not living is... Hello, back from cleaning. everything. lol. My gramma was an interesting lady. But I have some regrets about her life. I have no idea if she did... But she was a case study in delayed living...or really....not living. She was born into a family as the baby.. Her parents told her that they had her to "take care of them in their old age." Then she fell in love with a man, but didn't marry that guy... she married my grandfather (*I am grateful, allthings being equal, I probably wouldn't be here if she hadn't*) She confided that to me one day when I came to visit. that she hadn't loved him... well, I guess he sensed that since he left her for another woman and my gramma waited 19 years for him to come back before granting him a divorce. 19 years. My gramma died at the age of 82...so nearly a quarter of her life... waiting for a man she never loved because divorce didn't 'look good'. Then... she gets a financial settlement in her mid 60's...enough to travel the world on a cruise should she have chosen to do so.... she always wanted to travel.. But never did... She would ask me to send her postcards from all the places I had been..and I did. When I would go to visit her, she would have them pinned above her headboard. But when she had the money and could...she was too afraid to go. I said "gramma,what are you afraid of?" I wanted to finish that sentence with the word 'death'. I knew what she was afraid of. living and dying. I did it for years though.. and occasionally I still do it. I think we all do.. as if the worst thing that could happen was death or failure. When the worst thing that can happen is to never live. night all, chris out.


food addiction

I am still a food addict. It's how I deal with my emotions. so... from here on out I will not be eating when I am upset. luckily I am not upset all the time or I would turn into an anorexic. But I did use my crappy day the other day as an excuse to bail on my food limit and eat too much. I still do it...apparently. It still happens and always will unless I make it my rule to not eat after a major upset. I am still not superior at sorting my feelings from hunger.... I was hungry when I started...but I didn't listen to my body and I ate till I felt sick. Something I haven't done in over a year and a half. I know as well as you do that this is never 'over'. two days ago was a good reminder. I also need to stop using my exercise a crutch to overeat. I need to get a handle on my excessive food consumption on high calorie days. ever hear of 'Give us this day our daily bread. I am all over the exercise. It's redefining my relationship with food that is going to take some work. modertaing my eating and leaving the dieting mentality has been revealing. I still have work to do. I am going to be living within the calories I earn each day until I get past the restrict and over eat pattern I have developed. I am still recovering... ack. I hope this doesn't depress anyone. I haven't gained weight. I haven't lost weight. I am holding steady and getting better day by day. In the meantime...I am getting my house in order...inside and out. I am not going to have anything left at the end of this that I don't love or use. project today....starting my seed beds for my garden.. painting my wall. doing my walk and situps. cleaning my art area and having a place for everything in my bedroom. Have a great night guys. Chris out.


Chapter 3: Prudence and Chigger-Love bites

Today was complete crap, let's just leave it there...more money sucked down the tube so I thought I would revisit prudence and chigger....my erstwhile romantic couple concocted in a moment of utter frustration with the seemingly mind numbing array of romance novels with the same two people in them. Just sporting different hair color, but the same royal title....Duke. So I thought I would make my own...Chigger in blue will take you to chapter 2 and that in turn will take you to chapter 1, if you are so inclined. Enjoy.

Chigger bit back a scream as the dagger like teeth of his nubile but vicious hostage sank through his flesh. Chigger tried to remember how he had gotten that moray eel off his arm the year before last, but was saved from a similar maneuver by the sudden de-clenching of his captive's jaw.

"What do you think your doing?!" whispered prudence...as she spit out a chunk or two of flesh.

"I, why I am but touring my own ship to see that it's sea worthy!" Chigger's indignant reply echoed dully through the ship's hull.

"What are you doing aboard a ship bound for Tortola with nothing but a petticoat between you and 60 lusty seamen!?" exclaimed Chigger.
(who was normally a perfect gentleman, but found his chivalry was being strained to its utmost limits...much like his creamy linen shirt's Buttons strained across his completely unearned, yet somehow massive chest and brawny shoulders.)

"Well" huffed Pru, "I had no alternative! I was left utterly ruined by our night of passion and knew that I must away before I was married off to a lecherous old earl who would want nothing more of me than to slake his dusty lust on my young body and get me with his heir....anything is better than that!"
At the last, Pru turned her head and sobbed softly into her Irish linen handkerchief. (delicately embroidered with her Initials P.A.M.)

While Chigger knew this would delay his shipment of goods, and may even endanger his spy work for the British foreign office...his lineage (or inbreeding as it were) as a gentleman would not be denied.
"Well," muttered Chigger..."Since this is partly my fault..I suppose you can stay aboard till we reach Tortola. Then you will have to return to England."

Prudence kept her thoughts (few though they were) to herself and simpered..."Oh Chigger, Thank you so much...I will be forever in your debt."
(for Prudence had her own plans)
Chigger was suddenly, and inexplicably, seized by an overwhelming urge to protect Prudence...and doffing his coat he wrapped it around her wee little shoulders...The heavy coat engulfing her, nearly smothering her, such was it's size.

Prudence could smell the manly smell of Chigger emanating from the woolen cloak...the smell of sea air, leather, horseflesh, cigars..brandy, a drunken revel from a few weeks ago, stale potatoes, dust, oil, pickle brine...These smells and more wafted into Prudence Mayhew's nostrils.
She felt tendrils of desire...and a wee bit of nausea..

"Well," sighed Prudence..."we had best get that hand looked after!"
"Tis but a flesh wound" pronounced chigger...and they climbed out of the hold into the brisk sea air above.....

Till next time, when chigger finds out flesh wounds can get infected and prudence makes her own plans while trying to fend off her feelings for chigger...Will Chigger get under her skin? And what will it take to get him out? Bleach? who knows....

have a good one guys,
Chris out.


all.day.long and forever.

I cleaned.

all day long.

I have been on some sort of cleaing binge lately....I am cleaning out my bathroom and bedroom...I have gotten rid of stuff you couldn't believe.

It feels great.

I am scrubbing walls etc.

But that has left little time for anything today..

blogging or even thinking.

But it's good.

I am really enjoying watching my house come together.

I think It was sinking those fenceposts in concrete that finally settled in my mind that this is my forever home.

That I can make it just what I want.

So I am.

Have a great night guys..

I will write more tomorrow.




You can climb out of your tower whenever you want....

You know, I like to extrapolate great life truths from seemingly insignificant and trite circumstances... it keeps me sane.
As you all know, my kids and I watched Tangled last night.. and as we were driving to Barnes and Nobles for our weekly treat/book fest, my youngest looked at me and said "Isn't it weird, she could have climbed out of her tower any time she wanted.' I said "Yes, she could have...but she was too afraid".
And any of you who have watched that movie know that she had a person who ran her down, made her feel incapable..
heck, at one point...the witch even suggested she was getting a bit chubby (how many other fat or formerly fat people had that one leap out at them...lol)
It got to the point where she felt safe in her tower even though she wanted desperately to climb out.
She had a voice telling her she couldn't...
telling her taking time for herself was selfish...
telling her the world was too big, that it was too hard...

My tower was my fat.

It kept me safe from men.
I thought it kept the scary and 'bad' feelings at bay... feelings like anger and fear... but all I did by eating it was turn it into depression and self loathing.

I thought If I felt all that anger, I would get eaten up by it..
Now, if you allow your anger to turn to bitterness...yes it will eat you.
But if you allow your anger to propel you..
to push you to make yourself better..
Then righteous anger is a motivator...
and I will tell you...
it beats the hell out of depression.

Then when you have propelled yourself to something you didn't think you could do...
That righteous anger turns to triumph and happiness.
And when you are triumphant and happy....you can start to look at the damaged people who hurt you with some compassion.
Because people who batter or abuse are generally people who have been battered and abused.
And many times, they are still stuck in their pain...
and because of their inability to look at their attitudes, and behaviors...They will never pull free from it.
And that deserves pity, not bitterness.

So...climb out of that tower.
It is a little scary out here...
But it's more fun than scary...
and at this point...the voice telling you that you can't make it doesn't belong to your witch of a mother or father or sister or gramma...

It's all in your head.

And you can shut it up whenever you choose to.
Have a great night.
caloric intake 1645
calorie burn 350
calories maintained for a 135 lb woman.

Chris out.
Thank You Loretta!....I got my style back. lol


family time....quick post.

hey guys...I am posting late tonight...watched tangled with my kids.. it was truly good. It's been a while since I watched an animated feature that I didn't grimace at having to go watch. So, sitting down tonight with my nine year old I assumed it would be something I would enjoy watching her watch. It was a good movie right up to the point (spoiler alert!) That he cut her hair off...then it was a great movie. It was wonderful selflessness, not a trait often seen. calories in at 1630 calorie burn 725 (epic!) weight maintained for a 95 lb woman...whoot! lol. I love big burns. Have a great night guys!' Hugs, Chris 145.5


one more hour....

You have heard the question "What would you do if you had one day left?'
How about one week?
One year?
What if you knew with certainty that you had five years left.
What would you do differently.
I was thinking about this..and thought..
well, what would I do If I had one hour left
(or course I thought this on the way to the gym)
I thought...I sure wouldn't be headed to the gym...but since that whole hour left thing wasn't a certainty, thought I would go get my workout in..
If I had one hour left..
I would go home...and sit with my kids and hold them and tell them I love them.
I would tell them what I personally think is the most important thing in life
faith in God.
never quit or give up on your dreams.
That's it...
Then I would tell my husband how much I loved him.
What a difference he has made for me.
call my family and do the same.
This is why, when bad things happen....people will scrawl in blood their last words to friends and family.
It's that important...because we don't say it every day.
because we assume we have more than one day....
that we won't be grocery shopping...or going to school...or doing our errands and have a tsunami come and strip our family out from under us...
or have a car cross the median and kill our loved ones.
or a tornado smash our house to pieces.
We can't live that way all the time...we'd be wrecks.
But we don't have to...
just for today....call the people you love and tell them what they mean to you.
I have no idea what brought this one...
I was just thinking of it...it's probably the news.
I know one thing for sure.
I am glad I decided a year and some odd months ago to get better.
If I hadn't I would still be fat and miserable...not taking hold of every part of my life and living.
Big hugs.
I was explaining to my oldest daughter that we all die. She wanted to know what was the point of living if you didn't accomplish what you set out to do...
I said "What is the point of living if you don't enjoy life before you accomplish everything?
I said..You could NOT be here.
every day is a chance to experience things....the things we accomplish are important...
but living each day as if it's your last day...is the best thing you can do with the gift God gave you.
Yes. strive towards your goals..
But remember to live today.
Have a great night.
calories in 1562
calories expended in exercise 350
weight maintained for 120 lb woman.
Chris out.


My first day of being a moderate.....

I ate 1720 calories today and burned 530. ..which according to my calculations puts at maintenance for a 120 lb woman. It wasn't quite the deficit I wanted...but not too bad seeing as how Tuesdays are one of my long days...from 6 till 11 or 12 at night. Sundays are the same way...long.
I may do 1700 on sunday and tuesday and 1500 on wednesdays and fridays...I am shooting for an average of 1600 6 days a week and 2200-2400 on sundays....this will maintain around 132 lbs for the amount of exercise I do. I should lose on average 1 to 2 pounds a month.

At this calorie range...there is really NOTHING you can't have in moderation every day....just not tons and all you may think of...
It is very strange trying to switch gears from 'nope can't eat that' to...
well, I can have a half cup. lol.
It's also hard to stop at a half a cup sometimes....but that is where the prior training kicks in.
Saying no to nearly everything for two years has it's benefits.
Like I had 8 peach gummies today.
and gave the rest to my kids....
These are my favorite candies...
here they are

I used to be able to hose a bag of these...and still could. But won't.
Each gummy is about 23 calories.
Here is a picture i took the day before yesterday.
I took it to remind myself that I am not fat.
You can get so wrapped up in losing weight that you can lose focus on what you actually look like.
I have also been wanting to try to eat normally for a while.

I am still counting calories etc.
But doing things like adding potatoes or noodles or rice, Not loads...A SERVING (hence the slightly higher calorie counts.)

Finding out what all sorts of meals look like when kept within a calorie budget of 1600-1700 calories......Eating special Sunday meals with a calorie cap of 2200 to 2400.
going to a bar b que and having a little bit of this and that...and stopping.
It is harder than just saying NO.
Keeping to my healthy options 80 to 90 percent of the time and adding a few higher calorie options.
reeling in the gym time...more home time...but still putting in my 'workout duty'.
Three days a week at the gym (elliptical, upper body weights, situps) and three at home walking a minimum of 3.5 miles each walking day...
It's a duty to myself.
I will weigh in once a month officially...daily or every other day for a while till I get more comfortable with what I am doing. It will take some getting used to.
From here on out, as a method of accountability....I will be posting my weight below my name and weighing in publicly on the first of the month. I will do this for at least the coming year.
I will be doing all this till it becomes 'habit'.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.
145.5 lbs.


How weight loss is like cleaning your lint trap.

hello all, I am typing this from our downstairs computer....my laptop seems to have hit the heavenly highway. It may be fixable, we'll see. However, if this government shutdown happens..my husband may not be recieving his retirement pay. Does this mean we don't have to pay taxes. ????? Why should we pay taxes to a government that fails to operate. okay.. I a m done. swore I woudn't do this anymore. *confederations of dunces...mutter, mutter, mutter....* anywhoozle. I decided something yesterday. I have been having a hard time having the diet mentality lately. Probably because I am thiiiiiisssss close to normal. I will be doing this for two years on may 4th (official weigh in May 18th). I realized that I have been flipping and flopping all over the place lately because I felt I 'should' be going after a number with all my might. ....fighting for the last 5 pounds to normal. And I am going to get there and lower. But I think I was trying to do it quickly more for 'you'...than for me. Sometimes I think we get caught up in trying to inspire... then what I started this whole thing for...which was to get healthy. I didn't set some sort of time limit on me when I started... I was just hoping to be less fat than when I started. And I am...considerably so. My needs are changing. I need to refocus on my family while holding on to and moving forward with my progress. Last month when I upped my calories I gave myself permission on several occasions to go over my calorie limit. Saying in my head "I will simply hit it hard core next week'. Knowing I could. I have done it for almost two years. Instead I have to learn to develop a new kind of deliberateness about my food intake. 'moderation'. moderation in food. moderation in exercise. But mostly moderation in food. moderation. ack. Not something I have ever excelled at.. like putting the lid back on the toothpaste... or sharpening your mower blades... or thoroughly cleaning your lint trap. Being aware of your food. Being aware of your exercise level. Moderating it daily. It's not particularly exciting. Allowing a higher calorie day once a week, but no blow outs. moderating your higher calorie days...which I have never done before. yeah. This is where the rubber meets the road. Interesting...going back this is what I wrote at the beginning (about a month in) to my journey... June 5th, 2009 " I need to feel as normal as possible and I need to make this a normal part of my life. That means "splurge days" will have to be replaced with eating a slightly higher calorie day two or three days out of every month. I will start this part of the process around month six or seven. Right now, psychologically, I need a "splurge" day. In time I think I can move to eating foods I love in moderation and begin to incorporate the higher calorie items in with my new mostly healthy choices. we will see." I think I knew from the get go...and, I have resisted all along, any sort of quick fix mentality. The quick fix mentality was a prime suspect in all previous dieting failures. I wanted this time to be the last time. So if it comes off at 2 pounds a month... WHAT DOES IT MATTER. So long as it doesn't come ON at two pounds a month. I am healthy...now it's just a matter of degrees. The thin beige line. lmao. And a good friend and frequent reader...mr. putz..was afraid I would give up eating. You know, I had a while there where I still felt fat. In fact I had it yesterday...which was why I took a picture and put it on my facebook page. I think you can get so obsessed with an image in your head that you can go off the other edge. anorexia or bulimia. At some point, being healthy, but not perfect has got to be okay. So...I will get there. by moderating my eating. By exercising six days a week and resting on the seventh. By being consistent. btw. I cleaned my lint trap in my dryer today....with a toothbrush. Have a great night guys! Chris out.


Burning your metaphorical bridges.

So....my contention is that 90 percent of this struggle is mental....
You have got to burn your bridges...
or even better....
burn your boats once you hit your destination so there is no way back and you must adapt.
With drug use, it's pretty easy...not that stopping the drugs is easy...
but cutting it out of your life is pretty black and white.
You don't buy them, you don't use them.
That's it.
Not so much..
every single one of us is going to come to a point where we are going to have to learn to deal with food again.
Yes, we can have a rigorous plan..
follow it.
But eventually we will have to go back to eating with our families...
I have to set my mind that my calorie cap is as much in effect now as it ever was...
that my higher calorie days need to be planned...
And there is no going back.
But eventually it will come to a point where we have to draw a forever line.
I have drawn several of them over time...
My first forever line was..."I will never be asleep in regards to what I put in my mouth again'.
My second "I will never ever go over 200 pounds again."
My third "I will never be in woman's sizes again".
(This one I did with flair...I burned all my 1x, 2x, and 3x pants)
I will never be over the tens..
You see, I set my personal rubicon at 150 after I crossed 200.
I was 156 for much of my teen years.
I was 138 lbs BRIEFLY in the army.
I have set my new personal rubicon.
I will never go over 140 lbs again.
That is 'normal' for me.
Once I cross that line. That's it..barring pregnancy.
or being impaled by a large immovable object.
So, in the spirit of that pledge...
I burned my bridge.
I gave away my safety pants.
A pair of size 12's.
I only have 10's and belows...
once I cross 140-the 10's go.
and all I will have left is the 8's...I get too big..I am naked.
because I am not made of money. lol.
I didn't want safe passage back to overwieghtsville.
I want a one way ticket to normalton..
I do want this.
For me.
For no one but me.
It isn't a value judgement on the 150's...it has nothing to do with anyone but me...
and I have decided.

I weighed in at 145.5 this morning...
goodbye half pound of fat...
another pound and a half will get rid of the rest of the unwanted weight, and then it's on to the 140 rubicon.
Have a great night guys,
Chris out.


If you want to lose weight...go to SLEEP.

Hey all,
Back to basics over here.
Did my walk today...didn't do my situps because I forgot to, but did help set some post holes.
I now remember how I did NOT eat for so long...
I slept.
It works.
If you are sleeping, working out or eating your allotted food....you can't over eat...
especially if you are sleeping during prime eating hours...
8-11 for me.
I am about to head off to bed.
I don't know about you all, but I was impressed Kate hacked my blog.
I couldn't have done that at 17.
So, kudos Kate.
Have a great night guys..
back to the gym tomorrow.
Have a good one.
Chris out.


Muahahahahaha! Hello unsuspecting bloggers! Who am I you might ask? You can call me the April fools bandit! I realized with heavy heart last year that I had neglected to play a prank on poor unsuspecting Chris, so I'm making up for it this year. Ah

April Fools, the one day you can get away with pranks. I think we require a random picture.

Remember children don't play with knives, be kind to your elders, and trip people whenever possible. Have a Happy APRIL FOOLS day!

In the spirit of good fun, I will leave this...world, meet my oldest daughter who apparently hijacked my blog because she is a computer nerd...lol. That's okay, she is smart and someday will buy me a retirement home in boca.