Irony can be pretty ironic...

Hey guys...this is my 300th post.
Just stopping in to say I won't be stopping in till Thursday.
I have to get my stuff organized.
that starts now.
I made myself a promise that I would have my stuff together by March 31rst.
I don't intend to let myself down.
I am tired of being perpetually behind the curve.
I have thrown everything I have at this weight loss thing for over 10 months now.
I have no intention of quitting.
But I do have an intention of grabbing the frayed ends of my life and either weaving them in, or singeing them off.
I am going to do this as quickly as possible.
I need a schedule.
I need to have a direction for my life.
I have pared down and gotten rid of a lot of things.
Now it's time to start putting in things that I love.
As someone once said...don't know who....
You can't ride two horses with one @ss.
So I need to make a decision about the direction of my life in regards to my art, and some of my other interests.
I need to pick a horse, commit to it and ride it.
Hugs to all of you.
See you on Friday.


Finally...the nsv I've been waiting for...

Hey all,
How is it hanging.
Pretty good here.
The one thing i have been waitingfor lo these many months occurred today..
As I was depositing my husbands check in the bank.

I hand over my ID card.
On this ID card is a picture of my melon head at it's most ripe.
262.4 lbs of melon madness.
Round as can be, no neck in sight.
Since then I have lost 94 lbs minimum.
I look a wee bit different.
But every time I go through the gate on post and hand in my ID card...
nary a flicker.
Not even a closer look.
Just a wave through...
It happened again today.
Waved through.
So I wasn't expecting anything in regards to my ID card.

I slide my card across the counter...
tip tap tip tap....
then I hear...
You look different."
At this point I am gazing off into the atmosphere, unaware that my most fervent hope was coming to fruition...
So my comeback was "Huh?"
"Your picture," she says...
"You look different."
I said, "Well yes, I lost some weight."
"How much!?" She asks...
"Well nearly a hundred pounds," I say.

"Wow! You look beautiful."

(Now I have a new favorite teller)
I say...wait for it...


So, there you have it.
I look different then my melon headed picture.
Nsv and boy was it worth waiting for.

I did a 5.6 mile walk today.
Scale isn't budging...not sure what's up with that.
But I am sure it will start moving again.
So, keep up the good work and all your melon head pictures will be before shots too.

Chris out.


Road Kill

Hello all...
Its viper (aka chris)
but I feel more like road kill today.
I have but one small bruise on my arm.
But my muscles hurt.
arms, shoulders, legs and even my rear end.
Everything but my abs.
Why my abs were spared is not a mystery.
The 200 situps four or five days a week, well...
They seem to have worked.
As well as all the cardio I have been doing.
Because I didn't once get winded yesterday.
I have a lot of stamina.
My arms need work. I have a hard time lifting my shoulders today.
Yesterday was a lot of blocking.

I wanted to address an issue I have seen on a few blogs lately.
The why or how of eating.
I have a personal theory that the reason some people..smart people...seem unable to let go of weight is because of issues they haven't dealt with.
Issues which cause them to overeat, because they don't know how else to get their needs met..
Or if they do know, then they are afraid to get them met in an alternative way.

For instance.
You want attention from your husband.
For reasons known only to you, you don't feel comfortable asking for attention.
Maybe you think you would get rejected.
Maybe you think you aren't worthy of attention.
Maybe he is an *ss and wouldn't give you attention if your arm was ripped off in a combine accident and you were bleeding to death on the side of the road...
All of these...unknowns.
Only you (in the ubiquitious sense of the word) know.
So instead of getting the love and affection you need from Your husband...or wife...or mom or dad or children, friends, siblings and/or co-workers...
You eat it.
You eat to feel less alone.
And it works.
For a little while.
That is just one example of eating instead of having your needs met in other ways.
That is why I feel it's important...if you THINK or FEEL that you have baggage left that you haven't DEALT with.
That it needs to be dealt with, or it could be what is sabotaging you and your weight loss efforts.
And really, how crappy would it be for you to be putting in all this effort, only to have your subconcious brain ninja your diet?
heck...I have dealt with the majority of my issues.
Well, what I didn't know was that there was a ninja issue lurking in my subconcious.
I didn't know until I innocently go to the mall, and have a lecherous douche try to bag on me with some hand lotion.
I nearly passed out.
I had a serious issue of fear of men.
I knew I had a fear of men..but I thought it was manageable.
When your body goes into full on meltdown mode without your brains permission...
red alert.
You have an issue...(or I should say...I have an issue)
Now in days of yor...In the days of dieting disaster.
I would have had that revelation and my solution would have been to avoid the mall in the future.
My new approach...the dig it up, identify and kill it approach...
took me to my new self defense class last night.
I felt a little out of body for the first half hour..
About the time I chucked spanky to the mat, I was starting to feel better.
By the time padded attacker grabbed my pony tail and swung me to the mat and we had it out....
Well, let's just say I knew it was just a matter of time before I killed this 'issue'.
Literally or figuratively, it matters not.
I know now, that an issue left lying doesn't go away...
It festers.
It putrifies.
It gains strength.
You have to face it and put it to rest.
I knew I could choose to put it off till I felt 'ready'.
The problem is, the longer you let it go, the less ready you feel.
I know I felt less able to talk about certain things as time went on.
I felt I should just let it go...it had been twenty years.
But that is like saying the gangrene in your leg will get better if you 'let it go'.
It won't.
It will just keep spreading.
You have to cut out the infection, the cancer, for the healing to start.
For me that meant that i needed to communicate what happened to me and how it affected me...to the people who had turned my childhood into a living h*ll with their mental malfunction. Or it would have been like putting a band aid on a sucking chest wound and pretending it was 'all better'.
I mean, every time I communicated with these people and we all pretended nothing had happened...it was like they had picked up a big handful of grime and goo and smeared it into my band aid covered sucking chest wound.
(ugly analogy....but accurate)
I did what I had to, to put it behind me FOR GOOD.
not for a time.
It's called CLOSURE for a reason.
You have to close it off to move on healed.
You leave that wound open, it just gets re infected.
You decide to finish it.
You tell your side. You decide whether or not to accept the other side.
And even if you do decide to accept the explanation, it doesn't mean you are required to carry on the relationship.
Or if the person isn't sorry at all, it doesn't mean you CAN'T forgive.
You can. Forgiveness isn't about the other person.
It is about YOU.
It's so YOU WON'T be eaten up inside any longer.
And forgiving someone DOESN'T MEAN you have to have a relationship in the future with this person, especially if this person isn't sorry and is still the toxic bitter mess that made your childhood or life screwed up to begin with.
It just means you are no longer going to harbor bitterness inside yourself.
You are going to let it go.
like holding a feather out a car window on I-70.
Release it and never find it again.
Then go on with your life and find what does make you happy.
You don't want to be mucking around in bitterness and pain for ever.
Life is short.
Don't let that situation or person steal ONE MORE MINUTE.
At this point. If they are out of the picture and this situation is in the past.
You are giving them the precious seconds, minutes, hours and days of your life
While they go on with theirs without a care in the world.
The thing is, it is nearly impossible to release that feather without doing what is necessary to pluck it out of your hide, where it is dug in and hanging on for dear life. You do what you have to, to pull it out.
I wrote a letter and had a phone call.
Then I released it.
Neither the phone call nor the letter were pleasant.
So what.
I finished it.
In the process I freed myself to become who I wanted to be.
I will talk about now tomorrow.
Did an hour at the gym on my elliptical, and did situps.
Good day exercise and calorie wise.
Have a great night all...


Pit viper Reporting from the front lines...

Your skeptical blogger on the way in to class...
How great is it that I have my head squished back and still can't work up a decent double chin..lol. pretty great. The building is in the back ground...you can see the flower and the weight lifting bear on the sign.

It's your kick ass pit viper back from the front lines to tell you about my day of bad @ssery.
Well, I went in and signed a waiver (insert nervous giggle here)...then got into the circle on the big mat.
There were five of us students and two instructors.

Eric Lalone...Black belt, senior instructor today....
The other was a black belt named Mike...

It was very hands on.
Below I have posted some videos the defense institute has posted on youtube.
But basically this is what we did...except we were in gym clothes ,and not gi's.
We had four women and one man named...wait for it...spanky.

Spanky was about 5 ft. 3 and 300 lbs. He had a skull tattoed on the back of his head, and a grenade tattooed on his neck.
The first thing we practiced was holding our hands up...like you see the woman do in the video.
This is to put yourself in a position to strike back, without giving up your element of surprise.
If he invades your space (3 foot area)...whether to grab you or strike you, you do touch and go.
If you see the woman doing the palm to the face...that is to take away his vision.
A sequence would be fingers, palm, hammer and elbow.
You go high low. Hit in the face then knee to the groin. Then sweep the leg...
YOu never go back, only forward.
And that part down there where the dude grabs you from behind...
well, During that little gem spanky was my partner.
So I walked forward with Spanky on my back. lol.
Then I stomped his feet (not really..but to the side) head butt...butt but and then out the side.
We did that grab and slam against the wall thing. You get your hands up and talk...you say don't hurt me I will just get you my money..when they are distracted you punt...in the groin and then knee in the face or palm strike to the back of the head and sweep the knee and when they are down you stomp their head in.
It's called 'organized violence".
A few of the most important pieces of info are this:
You keep moving forward because you can move forward faster than he can backwards.
Once you begin, finish. You need to make sure that the thug is down and staying down...
They said you need a good 10 second start.
Then run like h*ll.

At the end of class we stood in the middle of the mat with our eyes closed. While a man dressed in pads did a blind attack.
He grabbed my hair and swung me to the mat...after that it was all a blur except at one point I was standing over him stomping him in the back, and kicking his padded head.
All in all, a good day. lolz
So, enjoy the videos...
Off to Take a hot bath and hope I recover
Rid the streets of crime and villainy
Pit viper out...

I'm back.

Hey guys..just got finished with my class.
It was really good. I was nervous but I did it.
I think I may sign up for their street tactics course.
Right now My arms are killing me.
In any case it was a great workout but I have no idea how to quantify it..
Can't wait to write a longer post later.
I only got one pic, of me just outside of the class
...I will post it tonight, and leave a longer post detailing the class later.
I think this stuff would work in real life.
Not just as a confidence booster.
hope every one is having a great day.


off I go....ki ya watch out bad guys...
I am going to be small and in charge lol.


jack in the box....

Hey all,
Got my big consolation prize from Jack Today.
I knew it would be fun when I pulled it out of the mail and it yodeled at me.
I have a yodeling yahoo button..which I intend to place right next to my plastic replica of little sure shot Annie Oakley.
I loved the little notepad critters and even the louse comb and mirror.
It says on the top of the compact (with a little picture of a louse)...I live here don't hurt me...lol.
I will have to take a photo...but my 8 year old daughter took off with it and isn't giving it back.
I am putting annie and the yahoo button on my desk.
I figure she will keep my eye of the bullseye.
I also got a bunch of little candy bars and a slightly strange
voo doo doll cinnamon lollipop.
This I definately would have taken picture of...
But, My 8 year old ate it.
I did manage to keep the muscle milk, one luna bar...and as I said before...Annie oakley and a yahoo button.

My oldest took the power bar gummies and ate them.
Thanks Jack.
It was a cute box.
It made me laugh...
and wonder what kind of office you have.

So, Onto my day other than that..
Went to the gym and did one hour and 10 minutes on the elliptical.
Burned 730 calories...then I did 36 modified pushups and 200 situps.

Tomorrow is my big day at self defense class.
I am a little nervous.
I will break out my camera for that one...I'll take a pic of me on the way in...
I will also take a pic on the way out.
I won't take one during cause I would feel like a goob.
Hope everyone had a great day....
I know I did.
Take care,



Hi all,
Pardon the caps and disgusting happiness.
I went to my friend Amber's House today to pick up some clothes she has grown out of...(or shrank out of) (YEA!!!)
One of those was a size 12 pair of jean capri pants.
Now, I did slip on one pair of dress pants that were a size 12.
But they were dress pants...and everyone knows you can fit you and some chinese buffet into a pair of dress pants.
So Anywhoozle...
I thought I would try them on because that is what I do when I get stuff from Amber..we have a little fashion show..
I put something on, she being the great friend she is...tells me how fab I look...I say "aw shucks" and then go try something else on..lol.
So I try the pants on...
I say through the door...if I actually get these things up and buttoned, I am going to squeel like a pig.
and I did.
So I did.
She laughs.
I haven't been in a size 12 since 1996.
That is only one size off my goal pant size for going back to ohio and michigan...
Since we were going to have to go back a bit sooner than I thought..I took my fatmaggedon sign down because I didn't think there was any way I would make it by June.
Well, I just may.
We'll see.
so, my husband and i were surfing the internet the last few days and he came across a video called "The wisdom of yoda".
In it was the origin of my quote that I wrote on all my tshirts when I started losing weight.
I watched it, and this is going to sound goofy, but it almost made me cry.
So, I will see if I can either link to it or post it...hold one....

It's like thinking that losing one pound is somehow different than losing 100.
It's just one pound 100 times.
If you think you can't you can't.
If you think you can you can.
Do or Do not, there is no try.
Are you ready to do the 'impossible'
I am.

signing off now..

May the force be with you.


Beware the Ides of April...

Oh I know...
It's the Ides of March..
beware and all that...
But march has been good to me.
April has tax season.

So, Anywhoozle....
In April I am going to start my 'mini-boot camp'
As most of you know, and for those who don't and are about to...
I was, at one point, in the army.
In the 'army bootcamp'..
I lost about 18 lbs in 8 weeks...
Or, just a little more than two pounds a week.
I don't intend to re-create many of the unpleasantries I was forced into during Real Basic...
I will skip the morning scream fests by angry men in hats..
Skip grenade throwing, sand fleas and hours on the cement parking lot doing right face, left face and plant face in case you locked your knees.

In basic, I had a nickname...
Jackie O.
Why you might ask?
Well, I wasn't much for conformity....
So I 'snuck' in a tube of lip gloss.
For the life of them, they couldn't find it...
They searched me...searched my locker...
I told them it was 'chapstick'
which you were allowed to have.
So barring finding it, and becoming completely frustrated...
(By the way, I hid it in the heat duct which was inoperable.)
They took to calling me Jackie O'.
For Jackie Onassis.
I liked that.
It did make them 'notice' me, however...
So, I got some extra attention.
Well, besides that...they thought I needed to ditch some weight.
So I couldn't go into breakfast until I had done a pull up..
well, at first i couldn't do a pull up.
So by the time they relented, I had five minutes to get my food..sit down, inhale and depart.
I once cleared a plate of food in a minute and a half.
Luckily I have a 'strong' stomach.
I could down french toast, sausage, orange juice and yogurt and not chuck up any of it..
Some of my compatriots weren't so lucky.
One girl got so dehydrated from all the vomiting that she ended up in the infirmary for a few days.
Well, even with all the food inhaling...I was still dropping weight by the day.
I ran in the morning..hiked in the afternoon.
At the end I did a 22 mile ruck march.
Full pack.

So, In april I intend to 'up my workouts'.
Now before you freak and think I am going to 'overtrain'.
I promise you, I am not a glutton for punishment...and I am going to start slow.
First week of April..
Six days of exercise.
S, Tue. and Th. 5.6 mile hikes
M. Wed. Fri. The gym elliptical.
Every day...30 minutes of toning.
On Saturday...my day of rest...it's off to do something fun (and active )with the kids.

Second week of April..
Same as the first..
Except I am going to take a walk on two of my elliptical days...
In the morning...one mile each time.

Third week of April...
Same as the first two...
But am taking a walk on all of my elliptical days.
1 mile.

Fourth week of April...
Same as first three...
But up my walk to two miles
That's right.
By the fourth week in April....
I will be
3 days of 5.6 mile hikes with upper body toning.
3 days of elliptical with lunges and lower body toning.
3 days of walks in the morning for two miles.
Saturdays..the park or bowling or roller skating...something fun.
Calories, except for the 1rst, the 10th, and the 24th
will be 1450 calories.
On the first...no calorie count.
the 10th and 24th, 1800 calories.
I will weigh in on April 1rst with my current weight and weight lost for March.
I will weigh in on May 1rst with my four week boot camp results.
We will see how this approach works...
I have been doing this now for about 10 and a half months.
I feel like this won't be 'too much'.
This, it has to be said...is being typed by a woman who is comfortably laying (lying) on her bed...typing a post..
Not actually cursing having to go to the gym after a tough day...
So we shall see.
Well guys,
Have a great night...
Only about one week left of 'easy'.


You ARE doing it...

Hey all...
First, I got a few comments on how hard it was to read my blog...I sometimes allow my love of color or style to over rule function...but if it's that hard to read..and this being a blog and all...lol. Thought I would switch it up...and the name of this style is Pookie, which is my little brother's nickname...so I thought I would go with it...anywhoozle..on to the post.

How are you today.
It's snowing here.
it's spring.
I just want to say right now..
If I ever see Al Gore...
I'm going to smack him in his big fat Gob.
That having been said, I did my workout today. 1 hour on my elliptical and 200 sit-ups and 36 push-ups. (those are a recent addition...when I saw my arm fat flapping in the breeze I thought, "Hey, maybe I should do a few push-ups"...so I did.)

moving on.
I want to talk to all of you out there who are in your first couple of weeks of your 'new lifestyle' or maybe even a month or so in.

I bet you do what I did.
Look around at blogs.
This person has lost a ton of weight.
Look at that weight roll. (;oP Mine's at the bottom of the page...lol)
week after week after week....
They have been at this for a very long time!
I have only been doing this for a few weeks.
Can I keep it up that long.
What if I fail?
What if I lose all my fat and I have so much loose skin I can take up a second career as a flying squirrel?
What if I get all gung ho, then lose my mojo and make myself a laughing stock at the next family get together?
What if someone finds out I BLOG...reads it and finds out how much I WEIGH!!!
Well, as terrible as all those things MIGHT be..they don't compare to continuing to live in self imposed misery.
All I have to say is this;
You ARE doing it.
If today was your FIRST day...
my Goodness...
congratulations on the first day of the rest of your life.
This could be the day you look back on as the day you turned your life around.
That is a fantastic thought, isn't it.
I said once that you shouldn't ask yourself if 'this is the time' until you can answer yes.

I meant that.
The best way to muddle through is the same way you got fat.
By doing it.
You do it until it's just what you do.
It sure doesn't feel like it's just "what you do" when you first start, Does it?
It feels like an uphill slog through a thousand pounds of dog poop.
Fear Of Failure dogging your steps at every turn...Aunt Mathilda hounding you with her fat o the month club recipes...husbands balking at the idea of chicken burgers...children and good friends telling you your 'just fine'.
It can feel like you are alone.
You aren't.
In the land of blogdom, there are some of the nicest and most supportive people you will ever want to meet.

Fight off the doubt in your own head and keep going.
You see, the momentum of time...the constant slide of hours...the in and out of days.
In the beginning, they are like a hill to climb.
You put one foot in front of the other...
You will have days when you feel like you've been on this hamster wheel of hell forever...
Then there will be days when You feel like you have just begun.
There will be days you muff it on a scale so epic it makes the movie Cleopatra look like a small town summer run production.
There will be Days of Victory when You are convinced...given time and a few more pounds, Jillian Michaels will be out of a job, and you will be hawking your own particular brand of bad @ss.
Then one DAY, you will look back and realize that you have been doing
for months and months..
Heck, maybe even a year or two.
But just know, that day is no different than today.
Every day counts,
including today...
today most of all because
Today is all you have.
It's all you can control.
You are doing it.
Keep up the great work.


My L.A.W.

My Long @ss Walk....
Right now it's my 5.6 mile 'hike' I do on Post.
I did it today in fact.
I plan to do it two more times this week.
I am getting set for my three month boot camp I intend to start in April.
But that is for another day.
Back to my L.A.W.
This had become somewhat of a tradition for me.
You see, when I first started my exercise regimen...or as I liked to call it, my walk. lol.
I would walk about 20 minutes.
About a month after I first started my journey, I discovered that my two mile walk was just not cutting it.
I wanted to try a new walk....So I did..
I called it my Long @ss walk.
I did it once a week, usually on a friday.
It would be all the way out to the stop sign at the end of the road and back...three miles.
My walking regime went something like this.
It was 1.5 m., then a 1.8m., then a 2.3m., then a 2.5m., and then a 3 mile walk.
I remember walking it the first time (completely flat course) and feeling like it was never ending.
It was hot and it was July.
Then, One day as I was on my three mile walk...at that time my L.A.W.
I decided instead of tapping that stop sign and turning back, that I was going to turn left and continue from there....
It turned out to be a 3.57 mile walk.
That became my new L.A.W.
I did it once that month...twice the next.
By that time, I was trying to get up the courage to go to a gym for the first time in a long time...kind of like This lady.
I was around 220 lbs the first time I walked into the gym on Peterson...
I wasn't there to stay.
I was just there to 'look around'.
I just checked my blog history.
I looked, it seems I started at the gym at around 229 lbs...holy crow...brave of me. lol.
August of last year. I started by going once or twice a week.
Now I spend three or four days a week there and feel like I blend.
I will be walking into a self defense class this saturday...
I am not there to stay, it's just a three hour class... and I will probably feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.
I hope time and exposure changes this as well.
Like someone said in my comments yesterday....You don't know what will fill the hole until you start looking.
I have been looking.
I have found out quite a bit about who I am and what I want.
I am Looking forward to more self discovery over the next few months.
Why am I writing this? For the same reason I wrote the last few posts.
Some People have stumbled upon me and my blog at my current weight of 160 some odd pounds.
Unless I tell them about how big I used to be, that I didn't start out walking 5.6 miles...that at one point, 1 mile was tough...heck, at one point standing was difficult...
they won't know,
I may inadvertently discourage someone.
I don't want to do that.
It took months to get to this point physically and mentally.
There are days when I want to eat.
Eat everything.
There are still times I am driving past a gas station, and I think of those haribo peach gummies I used to eat...(150 calorie for 6 slices) and I want some.
I can have some, if I am willing to sacrifice some of my dinner...but sometimes I am tempted to eat some and then eat my whole dinner.
I don't.
Not because I am made of some sort of Iron will...
but because I know I am not, that that excuse that caused me to cave, will become easier to give into the next time...If I give in this time.
I have a lot in common with Tony the anti jared in that way.
I set up rules for myself.
I set up days when I am allowed to eat.
I set up calories I am allowed to have.
Over seen by me.
I am my own gatekeeper.
But I don't allow it to be optional.
It is my new law.
It is my new way of being, because to go back to my old way of eating and being is not an option. It can't be.
So, two things that keep me on track...
My L.A.W. , that little something inside that keeps pushing me to make my workouts tougher.
And my law...how I rule myself in regards to my eating.
Have a great night guys,


MOving forward...

Hello all,
Thank you guys for all the kind comments yesterday.
I was a little nervous about posting it because even though I have said things about myself and my past before, it felt more personal to talk about my 'relationship' with food.
This whole process has been about changing my relationship with food and the world I live in.
When you give up food, it leaves a hole.
You have to start looking around and finding something else to fill that hole.
I have been trying new things in the last ten months.
I have tried exercise, girl scout troop leader, making new friends....
I will be trying my hand at a self defense class this coming Saturday.

There are so many ways my life and the way I function in it have changed, it's hard to quantify.

It's like The Truman Show ...you know, the movie.
There was this reality.
He lived in it, it's all there was.
Then one day he rowed his little boat across the fake ocean...hit the wall and busted through.
Whole new world.

It's like that.
Only you won't know it unless you get in your boat and row.
You have to believe it to see it.

I'll write a longer post tomorrow.
I am bushed.
Hope you all are in your boats and rowing,
hugs to you,


Because this is serious...

Feeling serious today for many reasons.
I saw/read something today that made me stop and ponder.
Or should I say get angry and sad all at once.
I was trying to think of a way to express the flip the switch moment...
to express my new view of what it is I am doing.
to tell anyone who will listen why it's imperative that you get a hold on this now.
You see...I no longer see binging or overeating as something fun or harmless...
I couldn't think of way to say it right until I thought of Jesus and parables.
Food looks so harmless.
Fat looks so harmless.

So this is what I thought of...

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Chris.
Chris often felt alone.
Her mom worked alot, and she didn't have many friends at school.
She loved books and drawing, but she didn't have anybody to talk to.
Chris couldn't sleep at night and would often climb a tree out back to try to get closer to God.
But sometimes even that didn't help.
One night after a bad day, Chris came out into the kitchen and saw a doll sitting on the counter.
It looked nice.
She picked it up and hugged it.
The doll made her feel better.
The doll made her feel less alone.
Chris couldn't take the doll to school with her.
There were rules.
Chris could only spend time with the doll after everyone was in bed.
Sometimes she would sneak it into bed with her.
Chris grew up and joined the army.
The army has no room for dolls, so Chris had to leave it home.
Then one day, Chris Got out of the army.
She moved somewhere new, somewhere scary.
Somewhere she didn't know anybody.
Not even herself.
One night after her first baby was born, Chris walked downstairs...and there was the doll...
sitting there.
Almost like it never left.
Chris began to take the doll everywhere.
It wasn't big at first...
It was easy to stuff into a purse or in the bottom of a stroller...
As the years went on, the doll got bigger.
Took up more room.
Sometimes Chris would put that doll away, would stick it in the closet...or in storage.
once out of sight it would shrink a bit...
But somehow, she would always go and pull it back out...
Usually it was when Chris moved somewhere new...or when her husband would leave for months and she felt lonely

It began to get between her and her husband.
Chris's parents worried.
They thought "Can't Chris see how big that doll is getting...it's really dragging her down.'
Chris knew what people were thinking...she tried to make jokes out of it...
Chris knew it was getting too big to lug around.
Too big to hide.
Heck, every time she picked it up she got out of breath.
She wanted to play with her kids...to run with them...to enjoy hikes with them..
But whenever they went to the park, Chris brought the doll along.
They would say "Mom, come play.."
Chris would say "I can't, I just can't..."
She couldn't just leave it.
If she left that doll...what would she have?
She didn't go out much...She didn't have many real friends.
This doll was all she had.
It had been her friend for years. It was her comfort when she was sad.
It never criticized.
It filled up a big empty hole.
Sure it was getting harder to drag around.
Sometimes she felt embarrassed to be seen with it.
But she couldn't just leave it.
She would try, and fail...
The doll would whisper.."See, I will always be here..."
Chris was afraid.
If she did set it aside, what would take it's place?

One time she was driving, and the weight of that doll caused her heart to start skipping...
her heart skipped so much that Chris nearly passed out while driving her kids.

Chris looked at the doll and thought, "Maybe I should just get rid of you.."
She thought the doll said something...but no...
Chris dropped that thought.
I have nothing else....Chris thought.
If I let it go, then I'll just have nothing.
I'll be okay.
The doll is my friend.

One day...while taking her youngest out for a day of fun (while dragging the doll along, of course)
Chris glanced up.
She looked in the mirror...
Looked at the doll she was lugging around.
It whispered something.
so Chris leaned in a little closer...
trying to read it's lips.
It smiled and whispered....
"I'm going to kill you."

Chris knew right then, that if she didn't set that doll down....it would kill her.
So she did.

Once Chris set the doll down...It didn't go away.
It hung around.
It's not something you can just ditch.
But Chris never forgot those words..
No matter how lonely, or afraid, or frustrated...
Chris didn't want to die.
She wanted to live.
But before long....the doll got smaller...
It got easier to manage.
The doll will never go away..It will always be there..
She will always have to keep it in mind...
when she wants to forget..when she wants to eat her pain...

Maybe this is a stupid analogy...I don't know.
I think the difference in the end...between making it this time and not making it...
like so many times before.

Is that I defined it as life and death.
As an addiction.
Something that could and would kill me.
I didn't see the Junk food as a way to nurture me anymore.
I didn't see overeating as a 'treat'.
I saw it for what it is.
A poison pill.
A killer.
A destroyer.
This can kill you.
Don't let it.



The gym that never opens....

was opened today..and my gym that never closes was closed.

So...I am here in colorado. We have had I don't know HOW MANY snowstorms this winter.
I don't know.
7 or 8.
So, we are supposed to get BLASTED with snow...as of now...maybe a half an inch and it's 8:45 at night.
So...in preparation for this storm to end all storms, Peterson AFB closes up early and sends everyone home.
I pull into the gym at 4:30, see the empty parking lot and go "you have got to be kidding me'
Nary a flake dotting the sky and they panic pre-emptively and people scatter for the hills.
What to do, what to do.
I am not missing my workout...I am getting over a chest cold and it's 27 degrees outside.
I don't want to give myself pneumonia by being an *ss and taking a long hike or something...
So I think,
Well...you can try the gym at Ft. Carson.
Which is NEVER open.
Every time I go, it's a training holiday...or they have some sort of screwy hours..
(On weekends it closes at 2 pm)
I think, is today considered a 'weekend' to these people.
You know, after so many screwy closings.
I don't feel I can read the mentality well..
But I decide to drive the 15 miles and give it a shot.
I get over there and lo and behold THEY ARE OPEN.
I walk in...there are only 5 or so people there.
(Those intrepid few who keep on trying until one day they find it open lmao.)
They have a different style elliptical...but overall it's pretty nice.
So, I do my workout..burn 600 calories..do only 100 situps because according to the radio, There is a driving apocalypse out on the roads...so I want to get going.
Go outside...nada.
Must be our own little stretch of nirvana...Cause the roads were fine.
Glad I got my workout in...
Hope you all got yours in too!
I am thinking of putting up a thermometer with my "thirty pounds to normal" on it to keep focused on this last stretch of weight loss.
It's easy to get feeling good and go astray.
I don't want to do that.
I may put it on the fridge and the pantry as well...
That'll keep me away from the crackers.
Have a great week end all....



It's never too late...

I think I will start counting down my days from my birthdays.
Makes sense.
Our time here is limited. Statistically speaking.
As my older daughter said, "You're one year closer to death."
she is 16....nuff said.
Which actually doesn't bother me.
Because we never know how much time you have.
I want to make the most of every day.
suck the marrow out of it, as it were.

I had a comment yesterday that I felt I had to answer.
Someone asked...
"Do you think it's too late for me."
My answer.
As long as you are on the right side of the dirt, it's not too late.

I had an interesting conversation with someone else on my birthday, in fact.
It was the sucm (service unit cookie manager).
She was talking about how much 'smaller' airplane seats have gotten.
I have to admit I fought an eye roll on that one.
If anything they have gotten larger.
She must have sensed my 'skepticism'.
Because she said "Really, I haven't gotten any bigger...I have been the same size for years...after my daughter was born, my metabolism went right out the window."

I remember saying some of the same things relating to my weight...so I am just nodding my head and making sympathetic noises.
Now I was thinking...she must be relating this to me because she sees me as someone who struggles with weight.
So I said...I know what you mean....I have lost nearly a hundred pounds.
Her eyebrows went up and her mouth drops and she says "REALLY!"
Then she states "Well, I have lost nearly 60 lbs." (so much for not having been any larger lol)
That's when I realized she was relating to me as a woman who was overweight to someone she saw as thinner...until she realized I too had been overweight (and still am, just not where she is right now)..When she realized that I had been where she is, then she felt she could tell me the truth about her weight struggles.
Holy crow was that ever an eye opening experience.
She said "All I do really is walk.'
I said "That's how I lost my first 40 lbs."
She says "I don't know if I can lose the rest.'
I said, "Yes you can, you just keep at it like you've been doing...it'll go".

That is all I did, just kept going.

So Mr. Putz and Mrs. Lippman...
It's not too late.
It's never too late to change your life.
Begin today.
Eat less, move more and stay patient.
It'll come off.

I did a 5.6 mile hike today.
It was beautiful.
There were some huge hills.
I really enjoyed myself on my hike.
I was noticing how blue the sky was and how the trail wound up through the prairie grass.
The road was rusty orange, and the grass gray blue.
There were three little birds that would fly ahead of me as I hiked, and land on the stalks of dead yucca.
I brought water and a granola bar.
I saw a ton of birds and only three other people.
Hope you all had a really good day too.


The best year of my life....

Hello all,
Well. I had a very busy day.
Which is why I am posting soooo late.
Today was my 36th Birthday.
It was a busy day. (What day isn't?)
I had my final cookie meeting, YEAH!
I had a girl scout meeting where we made t shirts (I can fit a medium t shirt now...DOUBLE YEAH!)

I wanted to say something about what today meant to me.
I started this journey on May 4th, 2009.
About 2 months after my 35th birthday.
On my 35th birthday, I can't really remember what I did.
I don't remember actually.
I probably didn't do much, but I do know what I was probably thinking...
The same thing I had been thinking every year since I started gaining all this weight.
I would think, "I wish I was thinner."

On my 35th Birthday..I had no intention of ever going on another 'diet'.
I was done with diets.
Worn out.
I had tried and failed.
Too many times to count.
I would get up a good head of steam....get all excited...then fizzle after a month or two.
I always had a reason or an excuse.
But really, in the back of my mind.
I wasn't 'that bad'.
I wasn't 'that fat'.
You decide.... Scroll to the middle to find my starting picture....

In the process of being done with diets, I had actually started to eat less.
I didn't really change my diet.
But I didn't stuff my face until I was sick anymore either.
I wore a lot of big baggy clothing.
I thought it hid my weight.
The only person I was fooling was me.
I had no idea that my life was about to change.
I was just going along...doing what I have always done.
When two months after my 35th birthday, my life changed.
I can't begin to place all the pieces to the puzzles that fell in place.
I can't even really tell you with exact certainty WHY.
I don't know if you have ever had a moment where you KNEW that you had decided, and that there was no going back.
Well, I have had a couple of those.
When I met my husband.
When I decided to get pregnant with both of my children...
and that day in build a bear. (scroll to the center of post and double click, I am the one hiding behind the shelves holding a cup of coffee...20 minutes away from a personal revelation)
That day when I looked up and saw who I actually was, instead of the person I kept envisioning in my head.
I knew WITH CERTAINTY that this was not it for me.
I deserved better.
Better than to feel tired.
Better than to feel like a perpetual failure.
Better than to feel like I couldn't control MYSELF.
I was drinking a grande white mocha with whipped cream when I saw myself clearly.
It's almost as bad as laying in an alley, looking down and seeing a needle sticking out of your arm.
Really seeing your destructive behavior for what it was.


That wasn't an acceptable answer to me.
I threw that last half a cup of coffee away.
That night I lay in bed crying.
I said to God that I was afraid I couldn't do it.
Afraid that I would fail.
So I would give it all to him and it would be his success.
I went to sleep.
I woke up the next day with a very simple plan.
Eat 1800 calories and walk 1 mile.
that's it.
The voice in my head said it wasn't enough.
Not enough...not enough...not enough...
that's when I thought.
It doesn't matter about tomorrow, and yesterday is gone.
Today is all I have.
It's enough for today.
So I did it that day.
I woke up the next day.
And did it again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
and again.
You see, it isn't like I woke up one day.
ate 1200 calories...went to the gym for an hour and a half and dropped 94 lbs.
I dropped 94 pounds over a 10 month period of time.
Tomorrow is my 10 month anniversary.
If anything the scale has become less important as I have gone along.
More important.
Sticking with my plan.
taking my exercise up a notch.
I couldn't lose the 90th pound without losing the 1rst pound.
I couldn't have my days of victory.
My days of wearing a size 12 pant...Today for instance ;o).
Without first going from a size 22 pant to a size 20.
It is one step, one pound at a time.
I can honestly say, as far as personal victories go....that this has been the best year of my life.
I found out who I was this year.
I found out what I wanted, and I made it happen...with God's help.
This Next year I intend to make Goal weight.
Then I intend to apply all the lessons I learned while losing weight, to other aspects of my life.
Hard work, perseverance, hope, positive mindset and CONSISTENCY.
You can do this too.
You just have to decide.
Decide to make the next year of your life your best year.
It can start now.

Hugs and *ss kickings,


Think I'm gonna hurl...

Hey everyone,
Man, did I bust my butt today at the gym.
I did an hour on the elliptical...burned 710 calories and then did 200 situps.
I don't know why,but it just felt  harder for some reason.
I felt sick after.
I got home and wanted to eat a banana...so I did.
Drank a ton of water.
Tomorrow I am planning on jogging.
I also do cookie closeout and a girl scout meeting.
I am going to kind of cruise through the rest of march just eating my daily calories and exercising and see where that takes me.
Friday is my new 5.6 mile walk.
Saturday I will be going to the park with my kids.
Hope you all are having a great night.
I know I did.


Me and my shadow...

I was walking today...a route I found by accident a few months ago.  It's about 2.8 miles long, but is up and down big hills.
I wrote about it...I think I called it the accidental walk. 
In it I described seeing the two playgrounds I took my girls to....They were separated by about 600-700 feet..at the most a quarter mile.
I would take them to one, and then they would want to walk to the  other....and I would say...'we don't have time..." or just flat out "no'.
Because it was too far.
Because it hurt to walk.
Because I was too tired.
During that walk I was thinking how I was walking 12 times as far...

When I first did this walk.
It was so hard for me.
I remember walking to the top of the first big hill, looking back and thinking "Hey, I climbed that."
Today I didn't look back because it wasn't hard.
Today was my 'easy' workout.
My 'easy' walk.
I enjoyed the sunshine...I didn't even breath hard.
I did it as a commemoration.
This  is the last  time I will walk this particular route.
It isn't enough anymore.
I will still walk bits of it.
But I am adding a 2.8 mile stretch onto it.
For a 5.6 mile walk.
Today as the sun was setting, I watched my shadow stretch out beside me.
I used to avoid looking at my shadow.
It mirrored back to me my failures.
Today I looked,
as it stretched out in front of me...
Much thinner...
a reflection of my efforts.
It was thanking me.
For starting,
For continuing.
For winning.

A shadow of my former self,

Chris makes a How To list

How to be a dieting tool fool....or how to succeed at being a perpetual dieter....

1.) Buy that latest diet book...
2.) Do it for that guy you met two weeks ago who said you would 'look hot' if you just dropped a couple pounds.
3.) Decide since it's bathing suit season it's time to break out the cabbage soup diet and the sweat suits.
4.) Figure that since the food and drug administration approved it, it can't be all bad.
5..) Sign a three year contract with bally's that you use for two months, then cuss at every time you open your bank statement thereafter.
6.) Spend 500 dollars on matching workout gear so you will look cute at your new gym.
7.) Troll the channels at 2 am, looking for the next magic pill.
8.) Troll the tv channels at 2:30 am looking for the next clotheshanger, come versitreadclimbermaster.... order it...never put it together, store it under you bed and then sell it in a yard sale two years later.
9.)  Pay 200 bucks to Have your blood tested to see what kind of food you need to eat.
10.) Buy a plastic dohicky that will tell you what to eat (Which just happens to contain the same information you could get for free on the government website. )

11.)  Make a pact with a friend, and after two weeks...your daily walk becomes your daily tequito fest while you watch (over the course of several months) all the seasons of quantum leap on the sci fi channel...
12.) Buy a goal outfit without actually doing anything to obtain said goal.
13.) Eat starvation portions, exercise like a maniac, snap. Stuff your face, over exercise, eat starvation size portions, snap, stuff your face...... and then wonder why you aren't losing weight.
14.) Ask someone if you look fat, wait for awkward silence, make a joke at your own expense...feel crappy, and go stuff your face.
15.) play 'spot the person fatter than you' in grocery stores....and feeling vindicated in your condition upon finding that lone individual.  Then feeling very sorry for them. lol.
16.) expect being thin to cure all your ills, physical and emotional.
17.) Start thinking about all the food you can eat after you hit 'goal weight'.
18.) Depend on others to 'save you from yourself'.
19.) Tear yourself down mentally with negative self talk.
20.) Wait for the weight loss fairy to sprinkle her shrinking dust on you while you sleep, magically causing a rapid loss of fat.

These are just a few.
There is only one over the course of my dieting career that I didn't do, can you guess which one?
Hope you are having a great night.
Calories in 1565...Calories expended 875.



Day of Rest?

Not hardly,
I suck at this whole rest thing.
At first I was just supposed to go and pick up some fixings cause I was going to have a friend over for dinner.
So I get an email saying that my cookie appointment for final closeout is tomorrow so that means I need to deposit my money into sucm's account (service unit cookie manager).
At this point I don't think acronym sucm does this whole process justice....you can replace that first consonant with any letter you want to....
Then I also need to print off a bunch of papers for the meeting (mandatory), and I didn't have a printer cartridge so I had to also stop by staples to pick up a printer cartridge.
Okay, so I am taking a right onto a main road here and hit the grand canyon of pot holes.
I sense tire doom
but I pull over...look and don't see anything.
So I drive some more...hearing funny noises.
pull over....see nothing.
Go to the bank and wait an hour! in line.
it's hot, I've got a headache. And quite frankly, It is like a sauna and I am the only one speaking english in this line...so the majority of the people can only see one dude.
I finally get my deposit done...
I come out and the tire looks kind of low...
so I go next door to the gas station to air it up.
I see a bulge next to the rim and some steel belted radial stuff showing.
I thought...crap.
I don't inflate just in case.
I run a few more errands..at this point the tire looks nearly flat..
I try to inflate, only to hear the air go in through the tube and out the hole.
So the rest of my afternoon after the bank, staples and grocery shopping...
was spent at 'tire world' paying for a new drivers side front tire.
I get home, clean for two hours and make dinner....
then after dinner I go up to the store and pick up milk cause we are out.
There is my day of rest in a nutshell.
suggestions anyone?
lock myself in a closet.
Don't answer a door.
tell sucm to suck it.

I sucm at resting.
your tired blogger,


Last Perfect 10 update.....

March 11th, 2010 168.5 lbs.

Final perfect 10 after photo
Taken by my 6 ft. 5 inch tall husband.
So this is what I look like from up there.

The Starting photo is to your right.

Since this is the last Update, I want to thank Steve for getting my year kicked off right.
I had many goals.
My first goal was to lose at least 8 lbs.
I have lost 19.5 lbs.
Huge success.
A fact that I didn't even notice till I finished my sit ups and was talking about this post with my friend Amber.
My focus the last 10 weeks wasn't really on fat loss as much as it was consistency.
That is where My focus will continue to be.
I was supposed to get 8 cups of water....
for the last 10 weeks I got at least 9 cups a day.
I was supposed to do 200 sit-ups in less than 5 minutes.
I can do 200 sit ups...in 5 minutes and 44 seconds.
5 minutes and 44 painful seconds.
Those last 44 seconds involved me groaning and then laughing and then groaning ...
laughing does not help you do sit-ups.

My friend Amber...was right there timing me and encouraging me, and she has posted her confirmation of my sit up attempt at her blog.
She is a good friend and is trying to run a half marathon....
If you could go over and support her and her blog..that would be awesome.

I have been doing the sit-ups, but over a 7 or 8 minute period of time..
Apparently those little rest breaks are important...lol.
My legs felt like rubber.
I don't know if it was from the run prior to the sit-ups or if it was simply the overwhelming amount of sitting up.
My butt hurts even though amber very graciously offered me a pillow. I simply didn't use it correctly.

Get in bed before midnight...I did pretty well with this one until my mini-van conked out and I had to drive my husband to work at midnight.
Kind of threw that out the window...but I have been getting in bed by one o clock in the morning and getting up at 6. Pretty good.
So, I am saying I am tired...lmao.

um, three days upper and three days lower body toning...great the first five weeks..then meh.
the only thing I kept up were the situps...which proves I need a target or I won't hit anything.
Geez, I don't think I really remember the rest...
I tried with nearly everything...
The greatest things that came out of this whole shebang was the weight loss and the fact that I began to run again.
Or jog...Or shuffle menacingly.
I had my family members take pics of me tonight for my final  photo...need to up load that....but with blogger it's hit and miss so I will give it a go...

I just wanted to say a big thank you for the wonderful support I recieved on my last post.
I know so many people out there understand what it is like to be 'the fattest person in the room' or to be "morbidly obese"...
When you can get back down to blending in...no better feeling in the world.
I jogged 3 miles today and even picked up the pace in parts...I walked an additional half mile as well.
Tomorrow is my 'day of rest'.
I am going to take my kids to the park.
for at least two hours.
To play.
Then I am having a friend over for dinner...where I am making my world famous lasagna that I will have to cut into smaller pieces to feed everyone...making my formerly 800 calorie piece of lasagna closer to a 500 calorie piece. I get 1800 tomorrow so I will detail how I spent it.
Today I ate.
yogurt with peaches and honey...310 cal.
one small cup of coffee from starbucks 210 calories.
half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich 250 calories.
1 bag of bar-b-que chips 280 calories.
2 slices lf cheese with 10 pretzels 180 calories.
(If you can't tell, my day of food was crap...You see, I was starting to feel 'hemmed in' by my eating...I decided to have whatever my little heart desired today...in portions. Man did I enjoy those chips...lol)
This leaves me with 270 calories left for my day...I intend to have some scrambled eggs (2 whole and 3 whites) with some homemade salsa...about 1/2 cup. That will put me in under 1500 calories.
Don't worry folks...I have no intention of eating like this most days...this was just a little experiment.
It was telling.
Number 1
If you are really craving something...eat the real thing.
I can try to make myself eat pretzels all day long, but if what I really want is chips..pretzels are not going to cut it.
If you want chocolate have A piece.
If you want peanut butter have A tablespoon on bread.
You can eat what you want, in portions.
It was a good day cause I learned alot.
I have no intention of giving up my 200 sit ups in under five minutes.
I am going to do this....
Give me a few more weeks.
I need a watch.
and an adult diaper....my tailbone actually sticks out...ah, the hazards of getting skinny.
Today as I was jogging I had a little epiphany...the harder you have to struggle to get going can also be the thing that gives you momentum.
My jog today was uphill the first part with the wind (and I mean blowing) full in my face.
The jog back had a mild breeze at my back (Of course it always quits before you get a tailwind) but felt much much easier.
So maybe the harder you hit bottom, the higher you can bounce.
Just a thought.
Oh and one thing you didn't know about me...
When I was 12 I was a camper at the Y...and at the end of camp there was always a dance. For three years running I had a crush on a counselor named Chris, So i knew he wasn't coming back the following year, and I knew it was my last shot...so I asked him to slow dance with me, and he did. We danced to lady in Red. It was my first slow dance. It was one of the boldest things I ever did.
Hugs to you all...
Have a great night.


Welcome to Overweightsville....Population: Me!

Hello all,
Fanfriggentastic news.
I am no longer Morbidly obese.
Or severely obese...
or even kind of obese.
As of today, I am
I weighed in this morning at 168.5. 
Yeah! Cue balloons and confetti.
I have been OBESE since 1997.
That is 13 years.
There are fat pockets that haven't seen the light of day since Bill clinton "Knew" Monica.

I was so pumped I ate clean and exercised.
oh wait. I do that anyways...
which is why I am no longer OBESE.
It does feel different..
Kind of like age 21 different, when you can legally get sh*tfaced drunk and puke into  your friends cashmere sweater.
Except now I can wander around officially pudgy as opposed to
Now I only have a slightly elevated risk of dropping dead from a variety of illnesses.
50 percent of the female population weighs more than me.
That's half.
(Math genius here)
If and when I lose 30 more pounds, a good 70 percent of america's female population will indeed...
weigh- more- than- me.
So, If you want to be merely pudgy.
Keep on going.
You too can be average..
Tomorrow is my 200 situps in 5 minutes challenge...which will be supervised by my good friend
Not sure how this will work....If I will have to post it (the verification) on mine, with her writing, or on hers with a link.
We'll see.
Thanks for all the support.
I felt better this morning.
For a variety of reasons...well, one really.
signing off,




my head cold has morphed into a chest cold. After trying to ignore it for a few days..I think it has finally caught up with me.
Of course, having nothing i HAVE to do the next week or so, sometimes I think our bodies say "Hey, good time to get some rest..but the only way she's going to down is if we put her down..Hence the illness.
This is reason number one why I need to reinstate a rest day.
The world will not collapse if I, Christina Oursler, do not do something PRODUCTIVE four days out of the month.
I don't know why I have such a hard time with this concept.
They did a study...They had people dig ditches.  One group they made work for an hour straight.
The other group got rests in intervals over the course of an hour.
The ones with intermittent resting did more work than the ones that dug straight through.
Today I am going to let my body rest up. Usually if i get sick I think I have to make up the time I took "off" on saturday, but I am not going to do that this time.
 I am going to take my rest day on Saturday, and every saturday thereafter.
Time will not stop, the world will not be thrown off it's axis, puppies will not die horrible deaths in unknown countries.
I will see you all tomorrow.
I have a feeling tomorrow morning this whole cold thing should have gotten much better...
or I will be going to see a doctor.
One or the other.
Have a great night.


And now for the rest....

Thank you for all the kind comments on yesterdays post.
It feels like I find out something new about myself everyday.
So, onto my forever plan.
It looks something like this:
I intend to eat about 1400 to 1500 calories 6 days a week.
I also intend to work out six days a week for an hour to an hour and a half a day.
On my day of rest (which is saturday) I will eat around 1800 calories.
except for one saturday a month, Where I won't count my calories.
I'll just eat what I feel like...which is probably going to be some form of mexican food.
I will see where this lands me weight wise. If I find it too restrictive, or my weight edging too low...I will increase my calories.
I want to weigh between 128 and 132 ideally.
I have no doubt I will make adjustments as I go.
If my weight loss slows until I can't stand it, I may up my workouts a bit...but not much.
You see...
While I am around 40 lbs or so from ideal weight (29 lbs from being considered 'normal' bmi wise) I need to start learning how to eat for the rest of my life now.
I don't want to diet my way down and then get all panicky because It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Get claustrophobic, feel hemmed in by my 'lifestyle choice' and then eat out of frustration and gain it all back.
Been there, done that.
I want to settle in to my ideal weight.
Like an old pair of shoes.
If that means my ideal weight turns out to be 135 or 138 with this eating plan...well then, so be it.
It beats the heck out of 262.4 lbs.
Hope you all had a successful day.
Hugs to you,


limitless potential....

Hey all, back from my blog and lifestyle vacay....
I took my kids to see alice in wonderland today.
We tried on Sunday but it was sold out...
The lady at the window asked my youngest if she 'didn't have school'.
I told her we homeschool and her face turned into a prune, lol.
that's right..we dictate our own schedule. If we want to do math at 7 at night...we do math at 7 at night..
or on a saturday...It's almost like you can 'do' learning whenever you like...almost ;oP

So, anyways...on to my new thoughts.
I finally or should I say increasingly, realized something this last week.
I see that I am thinner...I accept that I am thinner.
But I don't think my head has caught up to it.
I still am surprised if I catch a  glimpse of myself out the corner of my eye.
I go..oh....hey.
That's me.
Almost like the first time I saw myself as truly fat.
I was stretching the other day and for the first time I felt 'small'.
Like, midgety.
I am short...and the more weight I lose, the smaller I get. (obviously)
It's just hard to get used to.
I got used to being big for so long that sometimes I just look down and stare at my legs and think, "Those are mine."
It's march. I have been at this for around 10 months.
I am only about 8 lbs away from losing 100 lbs.
Now, I am not good about really savoring moments. 
Like when I crossed into onederland...I was happy, but it was really kind of fleeting.
I have a feeling 100 lbs is going to be different.
100 lbs.
When I was morbidly obese...I used to daydream whenever I would start dieting.
I would go through the process in my mind..(I have a really good imagination)
I would see myself thin,
I would see myself losing 100 lbs.
But it never happened.

Until now.
It will happen.
I can make it happen.
I have made it happen,
and I have to tell you that knowing what I am capable of has produced all sorts of  emotions and feelings, and hopes and fears.
Because the capability isn't really about weight loss.
It's about life.
Once you know what you can do if you 'apply yourself.' (Thank you Mrs. Shelander...third grade teacher extraordinaire)...
Then all of your excuses flee and the only cover you have left is what you fear.
I think it's a cover.
Yes, there is real fear in there....but it's nothing I can't deal with.
I can face down anything. I know that now.
All that's left is the fear of failing, or the fear of looking like a fool, or the fear that I might not measure up to other's expectations and then what?
Then nothing.
Anyone who doesn't accept me for being the best I can be, isn't worth spit.
And really being less than you are to make other people feel better, that's just cowardly.
I  think I have gone through life trying to be invisible.
I have been hiding.
I downplay any talent I may have, any intelligence, any beauty and anything....
As if these things, once possessed by me...well, that somehow I am taking them away from someone else.  Or If someone doesn't have something I have, that it may make them feel bad...irregardless of the fact that they most certainly have gifts and talents and beauty that I don't have.
Our talents our our own.
Our intelligence, our capabilities do not detract from others intelligence or capabilities.
Instead of hiding our gifts..it's time to use them.
It's time to use mine...to make the most of everything I have.
If I can do it with my body.
I can do it with the rest of my life.
The possibilities really are limitless.
I will talk about my food plan and exercise tomorrow...
for now, this is where my mind is at.
Have a great night...


signing off till monday...

Hello all!
I am taking a blog vacay, know you'll miss my loquaciousness.
But for now....chirp chirp chirp...
I am hatching a new destiny...
it will take a few days.
I will see you all Monday morning.

I will be starting anew.

Hugs to you.
Chris the Viper....
Member of the Chris Mafia
Master (in the micro sense...don't get angry God) of my fate...
Captain of my soul...


perfect 10 update and um....I ninja'd my way into a class

I actually did what helen suggested (for the second time) and called at 7:30 at night.
Whadduya know?  They answered, lol.
So I have signed up for a 123 hit class...
It's a street self defense class for women.
It's on March 27th.
It's one initial class and two follow up classes.
They are three hours long.
holy crow.

This week...
did my cardio
today I did a five mile walk.
NOt bad...it was kind of an accident as I was trying to see where a trail went...
Well, It went
I did one upper and two lower body toning sessions.
Thats bad.
But I am running, that's good.
My calories have been between 1400 and 1600.
I am revamping this weekend and am going to come up with a new target type thingy...
I haven't quite worked it out yet.
I'll get there.
Can I tell you all how nervous I am to go to this class.
I'm nervous.
It's bad enough when guys are hitting on me....
But now they will be HITTING me.
I am not a violent person by nature.
The toughest part of me is my mouth.
Actually, I have never struck another person in the face.
I have grabbed someone, I have shoved someone...
But I have never, with the intention of doing serious harm...hit someone.
I have swatted my children on their back side a time or two.
But only with my hand, and only a swat or two.
I don't even think I have done it  hard enough to hurt.
I know I was in the army, but I don't like guns either.
One time while I was carrying explosives (I was a truck driver) they gave me a gun.
I vividly remember handling the thing by the butt and gently placing it in the glove compartment.
so, thing you don't know...
I don't like guns.
I support everyones right to have one.
I just don't like them. 
Well, either way...I am going.

We shall see.
um, talk to you all tomorrow...


Are you a Pit Viper...or a fainting Goat...Good question.

How are you all...me, I am fine.
anywhoozle....nod to this gal...whom I have told that I intend to make anywhoozle  a household word. It's completely her creation, but I just love it.
It will just take time and diligence.
I went back to the gym..and was both relieved and irritiated.
Relieved because I could see my calorie burn...
irritated by all the  gym-y things that you have to put up with at the gym.
I did one hour on the elliptical and then 200 situps..Which I must say, are getting easier.
Although, everytime I reach around 180 some odd sit-ups, I feel like I am going to hurl.

My calves were tight when I woke up this morning.
I really had to stretch them today.
Which is good.
Shows the jogging is working.
I went up to the defense institute to try and inquire about self defense classes and they weren't open.
I don't think these people keep regular hours.
Maybe they just sneak in and out like ninjas...
And IF I can hunt them down, I can be trained.
If not, I am doomed to remain in ignorance.

I am looking around at the locked front door, attemting to find actual HOURS OF OPERATION
But I do see that they have a fighting team called the PIT VIPERS.

Now, I had issues up till two hours ago with this..
I said to myself
"Self, You are not a pit viper."
Then I was all, well...what the heck IS a pit viper. hmmm...thought I.
What is a Pit viper?
So, I looked it up.

The pit viper
Like most snakes, crotalines keep to themselves and will strike only if cornered or threatened. Smaller snakes are less likely to stand their ground than larger specimens.

 I gave this some thought,,,,and the thought I thunk was....

Beats this:

So, I will try and call tomorrow and see if I can get a hold of someone or leave a message.
Hope everyone out there is having a great day.....
I did.
Your fainting pit viper of a blogger,



Hello all..
Well, I did another 3 mile jog today.
It took me a bit to warm up, but once I did and got going. I felt really good.
I did my 3 mile run in about 45 minutes....so 4 miles per hour lol.
I could have probably walked that fast, but that wasn't the point. The point was that I jogged using front foot strike, keeping my body centered and placing my feet under my center of gravity....low and slow and smooth.
I never lost my breath.
I did breath heavier than I usually do while walking,
I worked up a good sweat.
I felt really good when I was finished.
So,new rule...if it's under three miles.
I Jog.
Over 3 miles.
I walk.
For now...
When I was finished I felt like I could have gone a while longer.
I am going to build up slowly.
I want to get the vibrams kso type woman's shoe.
I think It would help me feel my foot strike better.
I am going to try and jog two times a week.
Elliptical two times a week.
and if this whole self defense thing works out, two times a week kickboxing or some such.
So, back to the gym tomorrow for the elliptical.
Hope everyone is having a great day.
and this is the newest song I love to listen to while jogging...great beat.
Hugs to you all,


It's a new day...

HI all,
Well, this weight loss stuff isn't for the faint of heart ba dum bump...humor is how I cope.
I am calling the defense institute tomorrow to try a free class in kickboxing...I will do this class within the next week.
Come hell or high water.
That will get me there, then I will inquire about the street self defense program.
Linda Pressman made the most cogent point after my post yesterday.
It isn't that I wanted to knock the guy on his rear...I think If I FELT I could handle anything...or just about anything...that the irrational response I had either wouldn't occur, or wouldn't be as potent.
Most importantly and most tellingly...When it came down to feeling threatened, I froze.
I didn't say "get your slimy paws off me".
I didn't say something witty or biting...heck I didn't even move my hand.
I froze.
You always see these things on the news where a full grown woman gets beaten or kidnapped and she just freezes.
I think a part of me knew that is what I would do when under duress...
Which is why it was so upsetting...this seeming inability to talk or move when confronted with an unforeseen event.
Like when I miscarried.
I didn't talk about it for the longest time...and when I tried it just came out all stilted.
Linda described my feelings in her comment better than I could.
I want to feel safe as an attractive woman so I don't get so uncomfortable that I put my layers back on.
that's it.
But to do that I have to go to a class where I am manhandled by a large man who I will then have to kick in the groin, punch in the face and physically assault.
I think it will be good for me.
I am not unable to interact with men who have no interest in me...I find I am unable to interact with men who do...except for my husband..
Which is probably a good thing. But fainting or nearly doing so...is a bad thing.
I need to be able to respond.
Like the intelligent and rational person that I AM.
I have come a long way.
I am proud of myself for getting this far.
I knew it would be hard when I started.
I have lost weight before.
And put it right back on...
Everyone's past affects them in some ways.
For some, it affects how they deal with their kids.
For some, it affects their ability to love.
For me, it affected my ability to have a healthy and whole body.
I think every part of this fight is worth sharing.
I know there are people out there with a hurdle that is similar.
Or there wouldn't be so many morbidly obese people.
Or so many tightly wound people.
Or alcoholics, drug addicts or people who are afraid to let go of their death grip on every single aspect of their existence.
There wouldn't be women who look for love through one night stands.
I am not alone in my anxiety.
I will not let it ruin everything I worked for.
I will beat it...
and Linda, I would love to hear about positive meditation and what you did to overcome your headaches.
I think it might help.
So, I did 4 mile walk today and ate 1345 calories.
I also hung out with a friend I knew from high school.
We had a great time.
Hope you are all having  a good night.
Hugs to you,


monthly weigh in and public humiliation

Hello all..
First things first.
I had my weigh in...I am 172.
A six pound loss.
Before you all start saying "Oh that is a good loss...up till yesterday I was continually retaining and had only lost 5....
I had a water drink fest and a low sodium day to get rid of bloat..Well, it worked.
So pretty good loss.

Today was my day "off'.
I didn't exercise..I  didn't count calories...and I didn't binge.
I just ate what I wanted and stopped when full...
my day looked something like this.

eggs 2, piece of toast and pat of butter and an orange.
1/2 cup of coffee
peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
then I went out to dinner at  on the border and had 'street tacos.
It was chicken with a bit of cheese on  three small corn tortillas with red chili sauce and avocado.
It came with rice and beans which I didn't eat.
I had a root beer.
I remember thinking half way through that meal that before, i would have considered this an appetizer.
So, finish that up...

and I decide to go to the mall...
I don't have much time, it's 8 o clock at night...but I want to go and look and see if I can find clothes I might want to buy at goal weight.
I also want to stop by Dick's sporting Goods to look for vibrams (they don't  have them)
So I walk around for a bit...stop in a few clothing stores.
I like the clothing in a place called Charlotte ross.
This next bit is going to be tough to write.
Then I decide it's time for me to go.
So I am walking out when one of these vendors stops me...it's two guys selling lotion and sea salt scrub and what not. I am not buying this stuff...
but for some reason I let them lure me over (knowing I have no money helps)
He starts in on the sea salt scrub...so he has me put some on.  So he is helping me wash it off....
Then he says here let me help you put some lotion on your hand...
he takes my hand and starts putting lotion on it...then turns it straight up and starts 'massaging  it'.
At this point I am starting to catch a vibe but wasn't quite there.
He says...You have beautiful eyes.
I catch the vibe.
Then he goes...are you married.
I say "very'.
And he says...I love the color of your hair.
my whole face flushes.
At first I think it's just cause I am embarrassed...
A.) He is a good looking dude.
B.) He is STILL rubbing my hand..
C.) I seem to have gone mute.

D.) and here is the worst part.
I go to say to say thank you because the only part of my brain functioning at that point was my objective brain saying "you remember that you need to learn how accept a compliment.'
While the other part of my brain is saying "You need to remove your hand from lotion man cause this is now inappropriate".
But before I can do any of that my FEAR OF MEN kicks in and does something completely horrible.
My stomach turns into knots, I feel like I am having an anxiety attack.
All the blood leaves me head and goes??????
who knows.
I am about to pass out.  Not the  cute, lets sit down and catch our breaths pass out but bent over, head between the knees and feeling for a pulse and people asking if I need an ambulance pass out.
Yep folks.
That is f*cked up.
I knew I had anxiety when men would whistle or comment.
But apparently when they lay it on thick, call an ambulance.
holy crap.
I can't even explain myself.  I NEVER felt afraid of my husband.
He is a blustery sort.  But he never invaded my space or made me feel infringed on.
He always gave me room.  He still does. I love my husband.
I recovered...the poor man bought me  a bottle of water.
I let him think I had a medical condition.
Which I guess 'technically' I do.
I need to do something.
I really need to do the self defense stuff...I keep putting it off...but I just can't anymore.
I didn't know whether to cry or laugh.
That'll teach him to hit on a married woman anyways. last time he does that I bet.
He had really nice italian loafers on...I got a good look while sitting on the floor.
Well folks...
so, six pounds and some public humiliation. Great night.
Hope you all had a good day...
Hugs to you,
Your anxious blogger...