Feeling serious today for many reasons.
I saw/read something today that made me stop and ponder.
Or should I say get angry and sad all at once.
I was trying to think of a way to express the flip the switch moment...
to express my new view of what it is I am doing.
to tell anyone who will listen why it's imperative that you get a hold on this now.
You see...I no longer see binging or overeating as something fun or harmless...
I couldn't think of way to say it right until I thought of Jesus and parables.
Food looks so harmless.
Fat looks so harmless.
So this is what I thought of...
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Chris.
Chris often felt alone.
Her mom worked alot, and she didn't have many friends at school.
She loved books and drawing, but she didn't have anybody to talk to.
Chris couldn't sleep at night and would often climb a tree out back to try to get closer to God.
But sometimes even that didn't help.
One night after a bad day, Chris came out into the kitchen and saw a doll sitting on the counter.
It looked nice.
She picked it up and hugged it.
The doll made her feel better.
The doll made her feel less alone.
Chris couldn't take the doll to school with her.
There were rules.
Chris could only spend time with the doll after everyone was in bed.
Sometimes she would sneak it into bed with her.
Chris grew up and joined the army.
The army has no room for dolls, so Chris had to leave it home.
Then one day, Chris Got out of the army.
She moved somewhere new, somewhere scary.
Somewhere she didn't know anybody.
Not even herself.
One night after her first baby was born, Chris walked downstairs...and there was the doll...
Almost like it never left.
Chris began to take the doll everywhere.
It wasn't big at first...
It was easy to stuff into a purse or in the bottom of a stroller...
As the years went on, the doll got bigger.
Took up more room.
Sometimes Chris would put that doll away, would stick it in the closet...or in storage.
once out of sight it would shrink a bit...
But somehow, she would always go and pull it back out...
Usually it was when Chris moved somewhere new...or when her husband would leave for months and she felt lonely
It began to get between her and her husband.
Chris's parents worried.
They thought "Can't Chris see how big that doll is getting...it's really dragging her down.'
Chris knew what people were thinking...she tried to make jokes out of it...
Chris knew it was getting too big to lug around.
Too big to hide.
Heck, every time she picked it up she got out of breath.
She wanted to play with her kids...to run with them...to enjoy hikes with them..
But whenever they went to the park, Chris brought the doll along.
They would say "Mom, come play.."
Chris would say "I can't, I just can't..."
She couldn't just leave it.
If she left that doll...what would she have?
She didn't go out much...She didn't have many real friends.
This doll was all she had.
It had been her friend for years. It was her comfort when she was sad.
It never criticized.
It filled up a big empty hole.
Sure it was getting harder to drag around.
Sometimes she felt embarrassed to be seen with it.
But she couldn't just leave it.
She would try, and fail...
The doll would whisper.."See, I will always be here..."
Chris was afraid.
If she did set it aside, what would take it's place?
One time she was driving, and the weight of that doll caused her heart to start skipping...
her heart skipped so much that Chris nearly passed out while driving her kids.
Chris looked at the doll and thought, "Maybe I should just get rid of you.."
She thought the doll said something...but no...
Chris dropped that thought.
I have nothing else....Chris thought.
If I let it go, then I'll just have nothing.
I'll be okay.
The doll is my friend.
One day...while taking her youngest out for a day of fun (while dragging the doll along, of course)
Chris glanced up.
She looked in the mirror...
Looked at the doll she was lugging around.
It whispered something.
so Chris leaned in a little closer...
trying to read it's lips.
It smiled and whispered....
"I'm going to kill you."
Chris knew right then, that if she didn't set that doll down....it would kill her.
So she did.
Once Chris set the doll down...It didn't go away.
It hung around.
It's not something you can just ditch.
But Chris never forgot those words..
No matter how lonely, or afraid, or frustrated...
Chris didn't want to die.
She wanted to live.
But before long....the doll got smaller...
It got easier to manage.
The doll will never go away..It will always be there..
She will always have to keep it in mind...
when she wants to forget..when she wants to eat her pain...
Maybe this is a stupid analogy...I don't know.
I think the difference in the end...between making it this time and not making it...
like so many times before.
Is that I defined it as life and death.
As an addiction.
Something that could and would kill me.
I didn't see the Junk food as a way to nurture me anymore.
I didn't see overeating as a 'treat'.
I saw it for what it is.
A poison pill.
This can kill you.
Don't let it.