3.20.2010

Because this is serious...

Feeling serious today for many reasons.
I saw/read something today that made me stop and ponder.
Or should I say get angry and sad all at once.
I was trying to think of a way to express the flip the switch moment...
to express my new view of what it is I am doing.
to tell anyone who will listen why it's imperative that you get a hold on this now.
You see...I no longer see binging or overeating as something fun or harmless...
I couldn't think of way to say it right until I thought of Jesus and parables.
Food looks so harmless.
Fat looks so harmless.

So this is what I thought of...

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Chris.
Chris often felt alone.
Her mom worked alot, and she didn't have many friends at school.
She loved books and drawing, but she didn't have anybody to talk to.
Chris couldn't sleep at night and would often climb a tree out back to try to get closer to God.
But sometimes even that didn't help.
One night after a bad day, Chris came out into the kitchen and saw a doll sitting on the counter.
It looked nice.
She picked it up and hugged it.
The doll made her feel better.
The doll made her feel less alone.
Chris couldn't take the doll to school with her.
There were rules.
Chris could only spend time with the doll after everyone was in bed.
Sometimes she would sneak it into bed with her.
Chris grew up and joined the army.
The army has no room for dolls, so Chris had to leave it home.
Then one day, Chris Got out of the army.
She moved somewhere new, somewhere scary.
Somewhere she didn't know anybody.
Not even herself.
One night after her first baby was born, Chris walked downstairs...and there was the doll...
sitting there.
Almost like it never left.
Almost.
Chris began to take the doll everywhere.
It wasn't big at first...
It was easy to stuff into a purse or in the bottom of a stroller...
As the years went on, the doll got bigger.
Took up more room.
Sometimes Chris would put that doll away, would stick it in the closet...or in storage.
once out of sight it would shrink a bit...
But somehow, she would always go and pull it back out...
Usually it was when Chris moved somewhere new...or when her husband would leave for months and she felt lonely

It began to get between her and her husband.
Chris's parents worried.
They thought "Can't Chris see how big that doll is getting...it's really dragging her down.'
Chris knew what people were thinking...she tried to make jokes out of it...
Chris knew it was getting too big to lug around.
Too big to hide.
Heck, every time she picked it up she got out of breath.
She wanted to play with her kids...to run with them...to enjoy hikes with them..
But whenever they went to the park, Chris brought the doll along.
They would say "Mom, come play.."
Chris would say "I can't, I just can't..."
She couldn't just leave it.
If she left that doll...what would she have?
She didn't go out much...She didn't have many real friends.
This doll was all she had.
It had been her friend for years. It was her comfort when she was sad.
It never criticized.
It filled up a big empty hole.
Sure it was getting harder to drag around.
Sometimes she felt embarrassed to be seen with it.
But she couldn't just leave it.
She would try, and fail...
The doll would whisper.."See, I will always be here..."
Chris was afraid.
If she did set it aside, what would take it's place?

One time she was driving, and the weight of that doll caused her heart to start skipping...
her heart skipped so much that Chris nearly passed out while driving her kids.

Chris looked at the doll and thought, "Maybe I should just get rid of you.."
She thought the doll said something...but no...
Chris dropped that thought.
I have nothing else....Chris thought.
If I let it go, then I'll just have nothing.
I'll be okay.
The doll is my friend.

One day...while taking her youngest out for a day of fun (while dragging the doll along, of course)
Chris glanced up.
She looked in the mirror...
Looked at the doll she was lugging around.
It whispered something.
so Chris leaned in a little closer...
trying to read it's lips.
It smiled and whispered....
"I'm going to kill you."

Chris knew right then, that if she didn't set that doll down....it would kill her.
So she did.

Once Chris set the doll down...It didn't go away.
It hung around.
It's not something you can just ditch.
But Chris never forgot those words..
No matter how lonely, or afraid, or frustrated...
Chris didn't want to die.
She wanted to live.
But before long....the doll got smaller...
It got easier to manage.
The doll will never go away..It will always be there..
She will always have to keep it in mind...
when she wants to forget..when she wants to eat her pain...

Maybe this is a stupid analogy...I don't know.
I think the difference in the end...between making it this time and not making it...
like so many times before.

Is that I defined it as life and death.
As an addiction.
Something that could and would kill me.
I didn't see the Junk food as a way to nurture me anymore.
I didn't see overeating as a 'treat'.
I saw it for what it is.
A poison pill.
A killer.
A destroyer.
This can kill you.
Don't let it.

Hugs,
Chris

41 comments:

TJ said...

wow...


VERY Powerful post Chris. I am wiping away tears.

I read a lot of blogs...when I read people talk about a binge that they had I have to stop reading...maybe not even comment or if I do ignore the binge.It is too hard for me to deal with. I stopped bingeing I stopped stuffing my face and over eating and I HATE when I see people doing it. I think it reminds me of who I once was and almost tempts me to go there again. SO sad.... Thank you for such a powerful post tonight.

Jodie said...

Sad and uplifting all at once. Chris, you are amazing to have done all that you've done. Getting rid of the doll is not easy. But you have done it and are doing it every day. You are an incredibly strong woman.

Laura said...

Very powerful analogy. And very true words that I think I like to ignore... it is life or death. Gave me lots to think about.

Annalisa201 said...

Chris, this is not a stupid post. I have goosebumps and tears in my eyes. You nailed it perfectly. I have also realized this. Binging has to be seen as wrong - a sin. It's easy to rationalize, isn't it. Oh my heart goes out to you and all the women out there that need to get this, myself included. Once it's realized, that we MUST "kill the doll" once and for all, it's easy to say but harder to do. And then we forget. *sigh* It's so hard! That's why we must not think that we can do it all on our own. It's too hard for just us to battle. This battle is between myself (or yourself), Jesus, my husband, children, mothers & fathers, friends and family. A support network like that is vital, just as it is with alcoholics and other addicts. It's not a game and it's not silly is it. You're right when you say it's serious, life and death. What a scary thought. I praise God I have great support around me and here in BL. I'm here for you Chris :)

Thrice Blessed said...

It is a powerful analogy. It is hard to comment... wow.

Shae said...

Thank you for this post. It scared me. I needed to be scared.

The_Exquisite_Christine said...

But it used to feel so good to die inside a little with each hit . . . I have so many track marks up and down my arms . . . The Doll had me again and I love you for posting this, Chris. I am trying so hard to start over, put the doll back down. I never want to go back to seeing her every day. Never. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Her grip is looser now and it will grow looser still. Thank you for your great example.

Linda Pressman said...

Chris, the first day I walked into the program that I've worked for ten years I realized that there was nothing funny about my weight problem and that, yes, it was a serious addiction. I also realized that it was fatal. The end disease might be called Diabetes or Heart Disease or something else, but really it was obesity.

And I realized there was nothing funny about me starting a diet every day or every Monday or every January, and then blowing it the same day, week or month, or calling my girlfriends and asking, "Are you dieting or are you bingeing?" to see if we could go to lunch.

Thanks for a powerful post.

Rettakat said...

March 16th, 2009 was my official "flip the switch" day. Prior to that I had lost weight, yes, but it was a horrible struggle, with so many ups and downs, clawing my way down from 460 pounds, barely holding on.

On that March 16th, I decided this was life or death, and I kinda got mad. Mad that I allowed things to be excuses. Mad that I had resistance at home to change, and I let that resistance stop me. Mad that I let my previous failures cause me to doubt that I could do this.

This time, I decided that NO one was going to stop me, or take this from me. No one, no thing, no circumstance.

One year ago, on March 16th, I stopped eating sugar and flour. I was finally willing to let go of my "drugs". That is what it took for ME to change (I realize not everyone needs that). And it has taken all this time to learn how to really do this, and keep going no matter what.

I loved this post. It IS as serious thing. It IS life or death.

Loretta
=^..^=

Hallie said...

cool metaphor

Onewhocares said...

Hi Chris

Not a stupid analogy. A very poignant one.

I've given you an award on my blog!

Cornwallfitgirl.blogspot.com

Thanks for this great post!
Rach

Sean Anderson said...

I don't have words. OK, one---Powerful my friend.
geez...

You got me good.

Thank you
Sean

Lisa said...

Truly the most awesome post I've ever read. WOW!!! Isn't is crazy how this eating thing starts out so innocent then becomes suffocating. Great post...thanks for sharing.

Leslie said...

Wow - can't add much to what others have said. And the comments are also powerful and amazing, and represent people at all points on this journey. And I can say with absolute certainty that it not only kills physically, it kills the spirit, slowly and insidiously. This is a matter of life and death. Thanks for writing this.

Lyn said...

Thank you so much for this, Chris.

NewMe said...

Chris,
I can barely read your blog with the dark purple background and the black letters. Am I the only one? Could you reconsider the format?

Learning to be Less said...

Awesome analogy. I can totally see it in many of us. You have a great way with words!

spunkysuzi said...

Isn't that the truth!

seattlerunnergirl said...

I think this is a perfect analogy, Chris! Especially because it highlights how we feel about our obsession/addiction. It also brings up something important that I think I heard Dr. Phil (sorry!) say once. All bad habits served a purpose for us once. But the problem is they become habits/obsessions/addictions and we keep engaging in those behaviors once they have outlived our usefulness.

Many of us needed food to get us through a terrible time in our childhood. As unhealthy as that is, sometimes it's better than the alternatives (drugs, suicide, etc.). I can't say I know what that feels like. I can say that the hard part is walking away from the addiction that has felt like a friend for so long.

Saying it out loud - that this thing we view as a friend is actually our greatest enemy - is, I think, one of the most powerful and important steps towards change that we can take.

Thanks for sharing, Chris. This was a really timely reminder for me.

foolsfitness said...

This is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read in anyone's blog. I can't thank you enough for this post.

it's moving, even a bit haunting. I have that doll (well I guess a guys version should be stuffed animal) along with me for the ride too. It's so visually powerful.

In a future blog post I'm going to mention to folk to check this out. I honestly can't express how chilling of a truth coard you hit in me.

Thank you from Foolsfitness- Alan

Daisygirl said...

That was incredible.......I'm so overwhelmed by it. Thank you.

Deb Willbefree said...

Chris, This post was amazing. I will never look at binge-eating or even foolish, overeating the same way again.

I'm a visual person. As I read your words, I saw you lean over to the doll you couldn't live without and saw the smile on its face and heard the words, "I'm going to kill you."

I felt it--and it sent a chill down my spine.

That thing in which we have taken refuge is sweetly, gently comforting us in order to kill us. The enemy of our soul is exceedingly deceptive and cruel.

I hope I am haunted by your story and that visual for a very long time.

Thank you,

Deb

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Very powerful, Chris. Thanks.

Roxie said...

Amazing stuff, Chris.

Tammy said...

You know...I just mentioned you in my blog post Friday morning...and you've done it again...smacked me right between the eyes with a 2x4. I'm pretty damn sure I'm going to have nightmares about a doll telling me it's going to kill me. In fact, I'm already having daymares about it right now. So powerful. Such an excellent analogy. Truly excellent. Keep smacking me between the eyes. I need it more than I can tell you.

Deb Willbefree said...

Hi, again. I just wanted to let you know that I put a link to this post on my blog asking my followers to read it. Such good stuff. Deb

http://debwillbethin.blogspot.com

Amber said...

Words that need to be heard!
Powerful post Chris

ohiofarmgirl said...

Interesting works that not all will understand but those who do understand need to hear it...blessings, Dianntha

Erin said...

Beautiful analogy...I pictured a beautiful doll whose head suddenly spun around and spoke, like a Chuckie doll, but not creepy looking until you really looked.

Katie J said...

I can't top what others have said but this is a post that will remain in my memory for the long haul. Thanks for being so raw and honest Chris. It helps us more then you will ever know.

Keri said...

very powerful. wow, you gave me chills

PrettyWoman said...

Very powerful analogy. Excellent. Thank you.

Kayla Walters said...

Hi Chris! I found a link to this post from Daisy's blog (A Future Success Story). Your story was so touching and true that it literally brought tears to my eyes. I have struggled with binge eating for years and it is such a painful experience...you captured that pain perfectly. Your story is so inspiring. I appreciate your words on this very serious subject. I am learning to cope with my emotional eating problems one day at a time with clean eating and exercise, but there are still days when I want to do it. I will remember your story when I want to eat to cope with my emotions.

Thank you!

Kayla

M Pax said...

Powerful. Not a stupid analogy. Dolls can be very creepy. :)

Kim said...

Wow Chris...this is so powerful. I need to hear things like this to keep reminding myself of why it's so so important not to become complacent. Thanks for the comment on my blog..I'm writing a post in which I will reply to the comments...and other stuff.
Ya know, I read this post yesterday or day before...can't remember,...anyway, do you know 4 or 5 people came over to my blog from your blog the day you posted this? LOL...I thought it was kind of funny. It made me wonder if they were trying to figure out who made you ponder this particular day and saw the words "screw up" under my blog name in your blogroll and thought they'd take a looksy. lol Usually, I get a visitor here and there from your blog, but I just thought it was strange to see that many in one day. LOL!

Kim said...

Wow Chris, that's hard. It's hearing things like this...the lady you know that died...that bring it home for me. If I don't get all the bad addictions gone, I'll die. I hate to hear stories like that but I think it's important to, so we don't fool ourselves into thinking it couldn't happen to us. I'll say a prayer for that lady's family...I can't imagine how hard this is on her loved ones.
And yeah, thanks for the extra traffic..haha. lol Seriously, I think I have some pretty darn good support in the followers I have already. ;)

The Pretty In Me said...

hi there... want to know what my doll said as i read your blog?

"oh, wow... that poor girl and her doll. good thing i'm not like that to you. no. i never want to hurt or kill you. she's got serious issues with that doll. but you and me are okay. we got this. our relationship isn't bad. i'm a good friend. i'll never hurt you. you don't need to put me away or listen to her. that's just one bad doll. i'm a good doll. the kind of doll youc an keep in public or secret... secret is best but only because people wil judge me/us. but i'll never, ever KILL you.... you and me are okay. Okay?"

to which, i responded ... "no... no. we aren't okay." and prayed that God would help me see the lies and break free from them. this was a powerful post. thanks for it and thanks for your support. please follow my new blog... i found you through Deb Will Be Thin.

Blessings, veronica

The Pretty In Me said...

hi there... want to know what my doll said as i read your blog?

"oh, wow... that poor girl and her doll. good thing i'm not like that to you. no. i never want to hurt or kill you. she's got serious issues with that doll. but you and me are okay. we got this. our relationship isn't bad. i'm a good friend. i'll never hurt you. you don't need to put me away or listen to her. that's just one bad doll. i'm a good doll. the kind of doll youc an keep in public or secret... secret is best but only because people wil judge me/us. but i'll never, ever KILL you.... you and me are okay. Okay?"

to which, i responded ... "no... no. we aren't okay." and prayed that God would help me see the lies and break free from them. this was a powerful post. thanks for it and thanks for your support. please follow my new blog... i found you through Deb Will Be Thin.

Blessings, veronica

MrsFatass said...

Thank you.

ComfortEater said...

Very powerful.

Thank you.

Jennifer said...

Wow...that was deep. Very powerful and motivating. Would love to have you at our blog.

http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/