3.28.2010

Road Kill

Hello all...
Its viper (aka chris)
but I feel more like road kill today.
I have but one small bruise on my arm.
But my muscles hurt.
arms, shoulders, legs and even my rear end.
Everything but my abs.
Why my abs were spared is not a mystery.
The 200 situps four or five days a week, well...
They seem to have worked.
As well as all the cardio I have been doing.
Because I didn't once get winded yesterday.
I have a lot of stamina.
My arms need work. I have a hard time lifting my shoulders today.
Yesterday was a lot of blocking.

I wanted to address an issue I have seen on a few blogs lately.
The why or how of eating.
I have a personal theory that the reason some people..smart people...seem unable to let go of weight is because of issues they haven't dealt with.
Issues which cause them to overeat, because they don't know how else to get their needs met..
Or if they do know, then they are afraid to get them met in an alternative way.

For instance.
You want attention from your husband.
For reasons known only to you, you don't feel comfortable asking for attention.
Maybe you think you would get rejected.
Maybe you think you aren't worthy of attention.
Maybe he is an *ss and wouldn't give you attention if your arm was ripped off in a combine accident and you were bleeding to death on the side of the road...
All of these...unknowns.
Only you (in the ubiquitious sense of the word) know.
So instead of getting the love and affection you need from Your husband...or wife...or mom or dad or children, friends, siblings and/or co-workers...
You eat it.
You eat to feel less alone.
And it works.
For a little while.
That is just one example of eating instead of having your needs met in other ways.
That is why I feel it's important...if you THINK or FEEL that you have baggage left that you haven't DEALT with.
That it needs to be dealt with, or it could be what is sabotaging you and your weight loss efforts.
And really, how crappy would it be for you to be putting in all this effort, only to have your subconcious brain ninja your diet?
heck...I have dealt with the majority of my issues.
Well, what I didn't know was that there was a ninja issue lurking in my subconcious.
I didn't know until I innocently go to the mall, and have a lecherous douche try to bag on me with some hand lotion.
I nearly passed out.
I had a serious issue of fear of men.
I knew I had a fear of men..but I thought it was manageable.
When your body goes into full on meltdown mode without your brains permission...
red alert.
You have an issue...(or I should say...I have an issue)
Now in days of yor...In the days of dieting disaster.
I would have had that revelation and my solution would have been to avoid the mall in the future.
My new approach...the dig it up, identify and kill it approach...
took me to my new self defense class last night.
I felt a little out of body for the first half hour..
About the time I chucked spanky to the mat, I was starting to feel better.
By the time padded attacker grabbed my pony tail and swung me to the mat and we had it out....
Well, let's just say I knew it was just a matter of time before I killed this 'issue'.
Literally or figuratively, it matters not.
I know now, that an issue left lying doesn't go away...
It festers.
It putrifies.
It gains strength.
You have to face it and put it to rest.
I knew I could choose to put it off till I felt 'ready'.
The problem is, the longer you let it go, the less ready you feel.
I know I felt less able to talk about certain things as time went on.
I felt I should just let it go...it had been twenty years.
But that is like saying the gangrene in your leg will get better if you 'let it go'.
It won't.
It will just keep spreading.
You have to cut out the infection, the cancer, for the healing to start.
For me that meant that i needed to communicate what happened to me and how it affected me...to the people who had turned my childhood into a living h*ll with their mental malfunction. Or it would have been like putting a band aid on a sucking chest wound and pretending it was 'all better'.
I mean, every time I communicated with these people and we all pretended nothing had happened...it was like they had picked up a big handful of grime and goo and smeared it into my band aid covered sucking chest wound.
(ugly analogy....but accurate)
I did what I had to, to put it behind me FOR GOOD.
not for a time.
It's called CLOSURE for a reason.
You have to close it off to move on healed.
You leave that wound open, it just gets re infected.
You decide to finish it.
You tell your side. You decide whether or not to accept the other side.
And even if you do decide to accept the explanation, it doesn't mean you are required to carry on the relationship.
Or if the person isn't sorry at all, it doesn't mean you CAN'T forgive.
You can. Forgiveness isn't about the other person.
It is about YOU.
It's so YOU WON'T be eaten up inside any longer.
And forgiving someone DOESN'T MEAN you have to have a relationship in the future with this person, especially if this person isn't sorry and is still the toxic bitter mess that made your childhood or life screwed up to begin with.
It just means you are no longer going to harbor bitterness inside yourself.
You are going to let it go.
like holding a feather out a car window on I-70.
Release it and never find it again.
Then go on with your life and find what does make you happy.
You don't want to be mucking around in bitterness and pain for ever.
Life is short.
Don't let that situation or person steal ONE MORE MINUTE.
At this point. If they are out of the picture and this situation is in the past.
You are giving them the precious seconds, minutes, hours and days of your life
VOLUNTARILY.
While they go on with theirs without a care in the world.
The thing is, it is nearly impossible to release that feather without doing what is necessary to pluck it out of your hide, where it is dug in and hanging on for dear life. You do what you have to, to pull it out.
I wrote a letter and had a phone call.
Then I released it.
Neither the phone call nor the letter were pleasant.
So what.
I finished it.
In the process I freed myself to become who I wanted to be.
I will talk about now tomorrow.
Did an hour at the gym on my elliptical, and did situps.
Good day exercise and calorie wise.
Have a great night all...
Hugs,
Chris

22 comments:

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

You are so dead on with this post; it actually goes really well with what I'm writing for tomorrow. That's all I'll say for now... but I really love that you posted this tonight! :)

Paula Rodriguez said...

Interesting post Chris. Every time I read Lynn of Escape fronm Obesity, I am reminded of all soul searching she is doing on her weight loss journey. I forgive and forget very easily. I'm glad that I have to be reminded of wrongs done against me... I know I am an emotional eater and I'm learning to catch myself but can it just be that I love food? Of couse not. Its never that easy.

I learn so much from the many bloggers here in this community.

Can't say it enough "YOU ARE AWESOME!!!"

Stacey K said...

Awesome post. Well written and very very true!

Lauralei said...

it is a hard thing to figure out what is the real reason we overeat - i feel i have some insight, but not nearly enough

Miss Marilee said...

Ok this post is PERFECT lady!!! You have no idea. In my defense, I admit I'm a depression eater! ;) I just have to keep the honey buns out of my house.

Is it bad that I died laughing at the arms being ripped off thanks to the wonderful combine?

Seth said...

My thoughts in three words.

Intense! Accurate. Ninja!

The_Exquisite_Christine said...

(HUGS)

Ninjas are usually good in my book, but those secret issue ninjas are NOT my favorite. You are right though, they need dealt with and released.

I totally need to start an Ab bootcamp. I think that is what I am going to do with my April ::pulls out April goals list::

Kim said...

Hello Viper...this made me giggle at the beginning of your post. lol
This post is what I needed to hear. I'm pretty good at forgiving people now, but have just been reminded recently that I am harboring some resentment towards my Mom and while it hasn't made me overeat....I know I still need to deal w/ it b/c it's exactly the way you said...like gangrene. You are such a thinker...this post was great. Thanks :) Have fun at your next class!

MargieAnne said...

WOW!

I couldn't have said it better. You are inspired and this is truth.

I wish I could lead every struggling person into their own truth, into the place where they stop hiding from the bad stuff and into the place of owning it, dealing with it and becoming 100% free.

You're doing a good job of waking some of the sleeping people up.

Love your post.

South Beach Steve said...

Chris, the thing I like most about your posts is that you do not mince words. Thanks for telling it like it is.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I love your blog! I gave you an a award because what you write realy does make a difference.

http://chunkychickgetstiny.blogspot.com/2010/03/awards-yay.html

Helen said...

My mother always said bitterness and unforgiveness grow in the stomach.

First paragraph of this post made me laugh. You sound just like I did after my first Thai Boxing class. It'll get better.

Sandra said...

I think I'm going to have to find myself a self-defense class here in my city...
Love the post - dealing with the "stuff" is very important. I'm just not sure what the stuff is just yet.... :)

MrsFatass said...

Another great post Chris. You have no idea the ways you inspire me on my own journey. And you plain old kick ass. Like, literally.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Well said Chris. This post should be required reading for everyone who thinks a tough childhood is impossible to get past. It's your decision how you let your past affect your future. I like how you took the bull by the horns and gave it a good beat down.

Alexia said...

Lovely post, Chris. And so timely for me. I'm constantly reminding myself that I can't let anyone steal my joy. Thank you.

stephseef said...

you're my hero today. thanks for encouraging me to take a dump or get off the pot.

...

s

Tammy said...

There you go again Viper...smacking me between the eyes with that 2x4 of yours....excellent post, as always. Thanks girl. :)

Tara said...

Awesome post Viper...

When I was part of Guardian Angel's my street name was Havoc.

Let's get together and kick some ass!

Shae said...

I love the feather analogy. It's so true... Great post.

Robin said...

Awesome stuff on forgiveness. You are dead on. It isn't about the other person. It is about you. It really makes not one iota of difference in their life whether you do the work or not. But, for you, it is imperative. And, like you said, it then becomes your choice whether you want to try and rebuild a relationship with them or leave them in the dust. The forgiveness is for you, so that you can let go and move on. I hope that a lot of people read that and got it. It changes your life.

Putz said...

i wantnted to comment on all this but i am so overwhelmed and chocked up i can't