3.15.2010

Chris makes a How To list

How to be a dieting tool fool....or how to succeed at being a perpetual dieter....

1.) Buy that latest diet book...
2.) Do it for that guy you met two weeks ago who said you would 'look hot' if you just dropped a couple pounds.
3.) Decide since it's bathing suit season it's time to break out the cabbage soup diet and the sweat suits.
4.) Figure that since the food and drug administration approved it, it can't be all bad.
5..) Sign a three year contract with bally's that you use for two months, then cuss at every time you open your bank statement thereafter.
6.) Spend 500 dollars on matching workout gear so you will look cute at your new gym.
7.) Troll the channels at 2 am, looking for the next magic pill.
8.) Troll the tv channels at 2:30 am looking for the next clotheshanger, come versitreadclimbermaster.... order it...never put it together, store it under you bed and then sell it in a yard sale two years later.
9.)  Pay 200 bucks to Have your blood tested to see what kind of food you need to eat.
10.) Buy a plastic dohicky that will tell you what to eat (Which just happens to contain the same information you could get for free on the government website. )

11.)  Make a pact with a friend, and after two weeks...your daily walk becomes your daily tequito fest while you watch (over the course of several months) all the seasons of quantum leap on the sci fi channel...
12.) Buy a goal outfit without actually doing anything to obtain said goal.
13.) Eat starvation portions, exercise like a maniac, snap. Stuff your face, over exercise, eat starvation size portions, snap, stuff your face...... and then wonder why you aren't losing weight.
14.) Ask someone if you look fat, wait for awkward silence, make a joke at your own expense...feel crappy, and go stuff your face.
15.) play 'spot the person fatter than you' in grocery stores....and feeling vindicated in your condition upon finding that lone individual.  Then feeling very sorry for them. lol.
16.) expect being thin to cure all your ills, physical and emotional.
17.) Start thinking about all the food you can eat after you hit 'goal weight'.
18.) Depend on others to 'save you from yourself'.
19.) Tear yourself down mentally with negative self talk.
20.) Wait for the weight loss fairy to sprinkle her shrinking dust on you while you sleep, magically causing a rapid loss of fat.

These are just a few.
There is only one over the course of my dieting career that I didn't do, can you guess which one?
Hope you are having a great night.
Calories in 1565...Calories expended 875.

Hugs,
Chris

13 comments:

Alix said...

Love this post, Chris, and relate to it very well. You really write with magic.

Sean Anderson said...

You my friend, you...you have a gift.

Thank you---what a wonderful post.

My best always
Sean

She woke up FAT said...

LOL! Yeah I can relate.

BEE said...

love this post
i can totally relate
hmmm maybe the last one

Tammy said...

Hmmmm...surely you didn't pay $200 to have your blood tested, lol.

Seth said...

As serious as these things are and happen...this was a fun post. I think it was 14 where I lol'd

Salina Lyn said...

Rad!!!! :) hehehe

Amber said...

Great post!
I remember many of those, yuck

Putz said...

yes, i do have a suggestion as you have asked for>>>>first a a comment>>>if you planned to lose eight punds and you lose eighteen, isn't that DANGEROUS??????SO THE SUGGESTION>>>>>DO NOT LOSE MORE THAN YOUR BODY WEIFHT or you will die and we love you...SO BE CAREFUL SWEETIE

Jodie said...

The only thing on the list that actually did motivate me was my workout clothes that I bought at Walmart. Either my 2nd or 3rd post talked about how I really injured myself, but I really wanted to wear the cute workout clothes so I went to the fitness center with this huge bruise all up and down my arm. Love this post!! Did you have your blood tested for $200? That's the only one I thought might not be it.

VivaciousVegan said...

Hello Chris, Loved the post by the way!
Hey, I am Brandi, I have a blog too!!
I make and eat vegan food and need to lose weight. I lost 60lbs.in 6 months when I went vegan, and I stuffed my face....
Unfortunately I got really sick last year, fell of the wagon and gained it all back, so I am back on the road to recovery and wanted to tell you I like your blog and I joined so you can help keep me inspired!

Linda Pressman said...

Great list, Chris! I did some crazy stuff in my time but thank goodness it was before the "blood analysis" and all that. My basic method was to go to Weight Watchers in my heaviest clothes for the first weight in and my lightest clothes for the second; the last time I joined I lost 9 pounds my first week! Then, after weigh in, I'd go directly to the Mexican restaurant across the parking lot. Nuts. I'm glad I don't live like that anymore.

Melissa said...

Love your list!

I'm guessing #20??