I can tell you how to completely change your life

So here goes:
(to anonymous)

1.)  Put down the victim card.

seriously...put it down.

What is the victim card?

It's your 'get out of life free' card.

It's the card you pull out every.single.time. real change is about to happen....
and you are scared...
It's the card you pull out when the challenge seems too big.
It's the card you use to excuse your lack of action (or inaction, as it were).

The victim card is unique to each person.
My victim card was multi layered and fathoms deep....I had many in fact.
My first victim card was my childhood.
In reality, yes, I was 'victimized'.
But the sad reality is that I furthered that victimization by damaging myself as I aged.
Of course there were psychological issues involved...issues that needed to be addressed.

The  victim card comes into play only when you KNOW there are issues..and then use your victimization as rationalization to skip addressing the issues.
The quickest shortcut to circumventing any real change is to continue to blame your problems now. on your past.
i.e. You know you have an irrational fear of men..but never go to a counselor to address the issue..instead you go through life avoiding situations you find uncomfortable, then use your fear of men instigated by your childhood (now your victim card) to avoid any challenging or growth inducing experience.
Then state that the reason you are stuck is because you were a victim.
But you see, you are no longer a victim held hostage to a more powerful person.
You are now a victim held hostage to your own inertia and excuses.
Because where you are NOW is a more comfortable place, a more comfortable existence, than the unknown.
 If you want to change, you have to be willing to put everything on the table.


Your perception of reality..
Because your perception of reality may be 100 percent fucked.
Especially if you had an abnormal or psychologically damaging childhood.
How you view relationships, yourself, your abilities..


May very well be wrong.

And the idea that you may have based every decision in your life from a space of fear and skewed perception, instead of a space of possibility and opportunity....makes you want to grab your victim card and run  for the hills.
The only thing more tragic than the time you have wasted...

would be to WASTE.MORE.TIME.

The only way to get the life you want..the only way to START.
Is to put down that victim card.
And pick up the winner card.
What do winners do?
They do what is necessary.
They base decisions, not on wishful thinking, but on objective reality.
Are you willing to lay down your victim card, examine your excuses and move forward to change the way you approach your life?
If you aren't....then don't bother.
Any change you make will be temporary.
Because if your perspective were a true map of the terrain..if what you are doing is making you happy...why are you so damn miserable...why does the same thing keep happening..
If you find yourself stuck in the same place year after year..
either reality needs to change
or you do.
figure it out.
That's part 1 in how to completely change your life.


What scares the hell out of insecure people?


I have been, in my life, screamed at out car windows...
many times..what has been screamed has been derogatory.
Tonight I went to walmart..
I am not dressed in any attention getting way..
a henley and capri work out pants and tennis shoes.

I am walking from my car to the store.
A guy drives by and yells...I want to fuck you but you're too ugly.
Now let me ask you a question..
What was it about me that drew his attention...
was it my exceptional ugliness?
Was it that I was exceptionally fuckable?
was I exceptionally attractive?
I walk with confidence.
For a certain subset of men...that is intimidating.
they don't like confident women.
They want to 'put them in their place'.
What do I do with men like that...or indeed, people like that...
I ignore them.
Because that's the amount of attention they deserve.
They have a deep seated insecurity that comes forth when a strong woman is around..
These are the men that think women bosses are bitches.
I had a cashier think he was going to take my job.
He is no longer employed because he couldn't even bother to show up for work.
These are the men that think women 'have their place'.
That think women should stay in the kitchen..
because deep down, they know they are weak willed and weak minded.
If I could teach women anything...it's to be exceptional...
and that will cause the dross of their lives to float to the top so you can skim it off....
There are men that speak pretty words...but when push comes to shove...
when their women excel...the ugliness comes out.
No one kicks a dead horse...there are plenty of unattractive people..
But confident and capable and motivated people...
there are not a whole lot of those...
and women in particular...are not encouraged to be strong and in leadership positions.
You have to be prepared to listen to the criticism and improve..
and to know when you are listening to the whining of an insecure loser.
When someone is kicking you..
it's because you scare them.
Don't stop being exceptional...
Keep improving and kick them to the curb.
Their ugliness is a reflection of their self image and worth.
Not yours.
Chris out.


I just flew in from philly...

and boy are my arms tired..

not really..
but my knee is still stiff from my workout the day before yesterday.
To be honest..I don't know whether to push through and so more weights tomorrow...or walk and stretch it...I just don't know.
Did thirty minutes on the elliptical today and walked for about 8 hours around the store.
I don't want to re inflame it.
I want to strengthen it.
I know people feel stiff and in pain when in recovery...
just so long as it isn't painful right?

So wanted to post..
kept my calories under 1800....no garbage...
best thing I have found out..
I can order panda express online so I can order mixed veggies instead of rice..
sometimes I am late getting out the door at home...
and mixed veggies as your side is something they make to order..
and I don't have the 7 minutes.
So now I order at 10 to 1...pick it up at 1:15 and I have a healthy protien and veggie packed lunch and dinner.

I had to get rid of two panhandlers and one political activist today.
I would rather have panhandlers...

and now for a moment of zen.

Something to make you laugh.


exercise and anger

and...once I limit my calorie intake...my feelings bounce around.
These days I no longer get sad...
I get angry.
I know more God time would go a long way to curing some of that..
that and being quiet...
and judging less.
I went to the gym this morning and walked one mile, then did whole body weights.
I did three rotations of arm exercises..
and three rotations of leg exercises...
Arms;   Dumb bell bicep curls 10 reps @ 10 lb weight
            Dumb bell flys 10 reps @ 10 lbs
            Dumb bell Bench press  12 reps @ 20 lbs
Legs  Squats 15 reps x 3 rotations
           calf raises 20 reps x 3 rotations
           side leg raises 12 reps x 3 rotations
my left knee is still weak where I blew it out last year in defense class.
After today's workout..I could feel my knee straining...so I put on my knee brace...
it's cloth...it really didn't feel like it was that supportive.
I just got a sweaty knee.
Then I went to work and walked and walked....
I ate 1780 calories today....
I have been working on my mindset...
Leaving out the sugar..
making conscious choices to eat protein and veggies and leave out empty starches.
I had a spinach and mushroom omelette.
for lunch I ate panda express two entree of mixed veggies and kung pao chicken.
For dinner I had two cups of roast beef and potatoes and carrots.

I drank coffee with splenda and water today.
I was very irritable by the end of my shift...
a lady went through my cashiers  line...ran her ebt...for one dollar...then went to pay for the rest on a credit card...which was declined...twice.
The only way to get that off my cashiers till was to run a post void.
you can't item void an ebt purchase.
she is trying to convince us to give her the items.
I am instantly pissed..
this is her little con...wait till closing and make a scene hoping to get away with something...without paying.  Because we want to go home
She says "Wait....will I get my dollar back."
I say "ma'am I have no idea."
she has a ten dollar bill in her hand..
she could have paid for the rest of those items..
but she was sitting there playing the victim....(her ebt had purchased a two liter of soda)
the rest of it...body glitter and makeup.
I said "ma'am..I am not going to allow this twelve dollars to sit on my cashiers register."
And then the lady behind her decided to pay for her crap.
two years ago...I would have assumed this woman didn't know her credit card would be declined...
now I know better.
that being said..
I have become a bit cynical...but I can't allow that kind of crap to make me angry.
There will always be people willing to take advantage of nice people.
I got to let it roll...
but on my way home..
dave chappelle popped into my head...
we've got crack heads, panhandlers and shop lifters and all the rest....lol...
I have gotten to the point that I am in the limo....baby...BABY!  lololololol...
my sanity saver is going to be my sense of humor.


manager mania...blisters and pickles and toilet paper.

Hello.... so...I got to the gym this morning.
I did thirty minutes on the elliptical and 60 sit-ups..plus stretching.

Getting back into a workout routine has been a slow and steady process.
 Last week I started at 1800 calories and have worked my way down to 1700 for this week.
I have blisters on the inside of each of my big toes... which hurts.

 I have no idea why I am getting blisters inside my big toes..
I never have before..and I have been doing this job since June.
My job consists primarily of me walking around the store and recovering (putting things back where they go)..running to the front to answer codes and running the safe.

I generally, according to the pedometer, walk ten miles.
 Which I didn't believe..
So I walked a precalculated three mile walk, and discovered the ratio was actually about 2.5 for every three.
So, I round to about 8 miles a night.
OF course, this isn't cardio walking...but I think it counts as activity..
 I am trying to get back up to one hour workouts...and then I go to work and walk around 8 miles..
IF I keep my calories around 1600..I should drop weight like a rock.
 But the hard part of beginning to workout while working this job is that I will be tired the first few weeks.
I can't let down on the job at all.
 By 9 o clock at night my feet were on fire..and I was so tired... But I just kept thinking of that scene in Facing the giants, where the kid is doing the death crawl..and he's crawling and crawling...and screaming..."but it burns!" And his coach said "Then let it burn."

 When I get hungry...or tired...or feeling like I want to sit down...I just think "let it burn' .
I know I can do it.

 Now..on to my job.
I get all kinds of people... my favorite kind are the ones who break shit.. and don't bother to tell you. So it's like a little surprise.
 Today's surprise: Going up the chip aisle I smell something.. I round the corner and find two bottles of pickles...bread and butter... shattered on the floor.
So while I am cleaning up pickles and glass..and having already set out wet floor signs..
no. no they don't...
the shattered glass... the rancid smell of pickles.. the angry, muttering woman wearing lime green..
none of this dissuades the average dollar tree shopper.
I finally say "please use another aisle.'
 the 'asshole' is unspoken..

 issue two: We have been without a toilet paper dispenser for over a month..
As we had given up on recieving an actual response from corporate, our freight manager's husband had to install one...
every other month..our toilet dispenser gets ripped out of the wall.
 I have not figured out why this is.

 It is right next to the toilet..

 It's not like someone is doing a desperation reach across and frantically tears at the paper and accidentally dislodges the dispenser from the wall...
Do we have roaming yetis who don't know their own strength?
ARe there subversive taekwondo classes wherein they rip toilet tissue dispensers from the walls, with their bare hands, as a form of initiation.


 If it's you...
please stop pulling the toilet paper dispenser out of the wall.
Thank you.
Your dollar tree manager.

 Well...I need to get a hot shower and get to bed so I can get up early and go to the gym...
hope you all have a great night.
Talk to you later.
Chris out.


strategies for success

I am beginning to have a few..
number 1, I work full time.
If anyone thinks I am doing all the house work...they are insane.
I am not.
We split it as a family.
I stopped being a martyr a few years ago..
and I stopped being a doormat one year ago.
So today, on my one day off..I had two things to accomplish before I could have 'fun'.
I had to clean the house..
and grocery shop.
So guess what.
I made a two hour cleaning window..
assigned areas to my husband and daughter.
and myself..
and we cleaned for two hours.
And guess what....75 percent of the house is clean.
That along with 30 minute cleaning sessions throughout the week..
done by all of us...with areas assigned we didn't get to today.
that equals a clean house.
number 2..
grocery shopping.
I made my list..
then I made a list for tim
and one for sophie.
and we all shopped for the week together.
and we got it done in twenty minutes...
from the time we left, shopped, came back and unpacked..
1 hour.
three hours..
Today was my rest day from exercise.
I exercise on work days.
It sounds counter intuitive..
but it sets my mind to work.
And when I am resting..I am resting.
unless we do something as a family to be active, like hiking.
Which we do often.
So tomorrow I think I'll take my daughters ipad and take some pics of the gym and where I work out...
and invite people in..
because the more support you have, the more accountability..
the more on track you stay...
I saw a pretty awesome video today on mindset.
That I agree with..
not that some people don't have a harder time.
But that it's all in the mind.


Asses kicked...all of them

Hey all,
As many regular blog readers know...one year ago I set out to make myself financially sound...My husband threatened a divorce unless I complied with arbitrary demands...I had no work experience which I could place on a resume...
I felt scared, trapped and helpless..
I felt I had put both my daughter and i in a terrible position...
I floundered for a month trying to find my way.
And like always..
I decided action now was better than delayed bullshit..
so I took the first job offered and did my best.

Well, today I was promoted to full time manager.
I get 10.40 an hour...plus bonuses for making sales.
That puts me in at about 1600-1800 a month...add in half my husbands retirement pay which I am entitled to by law...and I could make it and make it well on my own.

It took one year.
Now I have leverage and no longer have to live in fear of becoming impoverished should the worst happen.
This last year has been the most eye opening, difficult, rewarding year of my life.
The last five years have been the most life altering.
I am emotionally healed...
financially independent..
spiritually whole..
and now to sculpt the life I want through Bruce lee's philosophy of 'physicalizing my philosphy'.

My philosophy?
Do or Do not, there is no try.
Whenever I wanted to  sit down and quit...and trust me...in the last year ..particularly in the beginning...the urge to quit that job, to go back to the familiar, to capitulate..

it was daily.
Every day before work, I would cry.
I would cry because my marriage wasn't what I thought it was...no matter what rationalizations I wanted to pull out of my ass...
it just wasn't
I wished I didn't know...then I was glad I did.
back and forth
back and forth.

My foundation was shaky...
I had no work experience..at any moment he could up and walk out.
I walked on egg shells...

I missed my girls..
I wasn't sure any of that was going to work...
hell..it was just a cashiering job..
just something...ANYTHING...but dog sitter to put on a resume.
I was going to do it for six months.
Then I was going to go to a bank and be a teller.
And a funny thing happened...
I began to like the people I worked with.
Cashiering got easy...then boring because it was too easy.
Then people started asking me if I had thought about being a manager...
and suddenly I thought...
that would be good...what would look better than cashier.
so I got assistant manager.
a little more time away from home.
A little more difficulty...more boundary setting...
STill balancing the relationship with my husband carefully...
taking care of home...taking care of work...
no support.
more of me gaining needed leverage in every area of my life...
and then, the other night..
I heard some magic words...
my daughter was begging for something.
And my husband said...
Your mom isn't going to give in, she's a different person now.

And he was right.
Somewhere on this journey, I came to the conclusion that while I want people in my life...
I can now let go and be okay..
really okay...emotionally, financially, and spiritually..
and that has freed me up to state my wants and needs..
to ask for things...
to draw clear lines in the sand and not be afraid of the repercussions.
And today when my boss called to tell my I begin full time next week...I realized that I had ascended my own particular mountain....one I feared I would not clear.
I can make it on my own...and support my daughter if need be.
It is one hell of a good feeling.
What you think, you become.
What you think you are capable of, becomes your reality..

Decide, and do.

Be willing to pay the price, and what you want will be yours.
That is my take away from the last five years..
I began as an emotional cripple, a physical mess and a spiritually depleted person..afraid of her own shadow.
To what I am now.
In five years.
Where will you be in five years..
I know where I will be in one.
AT goal weight.
calories: in at 1700
miles walked: 6
asses kicked: all of them
Chris out


Here on the 'bright' side....

Thanks to you guys who responded to my last post...it is as I thought it was....having traveled this road for five years now...and having healed from my past...
I am on the other side of the looking glass, but able to clearly remember what it was like to be where I used to be...
I have a unique perspective.

It isn't just we, the damaged, f-d up people who don't know how to proceed.
'normal' people....the people who were raised in decent homes...had all expectations met..
have a different set of issues aka hoops to jump.

Mainly normals care an awful lot about what people think.
It really stymies them.
I understand relationships are important..but let me tell you, my fellow damaged (but still here) peeps...
we learned early to tell people to shove that shit where the sun don't shine.
Or we wouldn't be here at all.
I never understood why people admired my ability to ignore the opinions of others...I thought it was just your average, every day coping mechanism.
It isn't.
Normals are encouraged in every step of their existence, to fit in...to be accepted.
It's a lovely, warm feeling to be admired and accepted.
IT started with me after the second year on my blog..
I felt that what I had to say was important.
and that helped in the healing process...but it also caused me to tamp down on expressing doubts, and fears to some extent.
To not confess failure...or heart ache.
I got fearful....
When I realized I had begun caring 'too much'...I knew I needed to shut up and get to know me again.
you can talk so much you lose your authentic voice.
Healing does a number on you.
Who are you now if you don't hold the same beliefs?
Who are you now that you view the world and everything in it in fundamentally different ways?
Who is this person with all this hope?
I am a different person now, than when I started.
It's like looking through a fun house mirror.
I have spent the last year...yes, it's been a year, since I got a job and began re leveraging my marital relationship.
I have spent the last year reclaiming my personal power within my relationship.
That was my last huge hurdle.
The final puzzle piece that I had to be okay with letting go...
And I really got there.And the power shift was immense..and unsettling.
But real and healing.
My relationship with my husband is open and honest in a way it has never been...
and we are becoming friends.
I have learned to draw boundaries and say no.
And I have learned to respect the boundaries of others...what my flaws and weaknesses are...
and I have learned to love myself and others where they are at.
My internal dialogue...when it goes negative, I stop it in it's tracks.
I'm ready.
It's time.
I will post my workout and calorie cap tomorrow...
but mostly I will be posting my thoughts and feelings...they are the key.
Chris out.


monsters in the closet

Sorry I haven't been around lately...I have really been focusing at work.  Not so much on diet and exercise.  that being said....work is going swimmingly.   lol.
My problem is on my work days...I walk all day...by the time I get home and amp down it is one or two in the morning..then I am up at 6:30 am to get my daughter around for school. Using a pedometer I walk around 8 miles at work per day.  But it's just walking...not cardio walking. It's not the same. I need an at home workout.  Because on my workdays. I don't want to go anywhere..and since it's half my month...that leads to working out less.
That being said;

on to the subject of my post.
I have a theory.
I hear all the time about people who, when growing up...were afraid of monsters in their closet or under their bed.

I never had that fear.
I knew that monsters...the ones in closets...didn't exist.
I knew that the only monsters out there...were people.
And I am throwing this out there to my blog people who were raised in abusive homes...and non abusive homes.
did you have a fear of monsters in the closet or under your bed?
I am interested in this idea that being raised in an abusive home may actually BETTER prepare you for adverse conditions and for a more realistic expectation of people....
All of my middle class friends who were raised in a 'normal' environment, have a tendency to expect more from people...they also seem to have more fear of what seems to me, to be fairly mundane issues...like 'will people like me" "What do people think of me."
And their disappointment and disillusionment is usually profound when they find out that people are generally self focused.
Whereas kids who are raised by abusive or narcissistic parents have already figured out early in life that the majority of people are going to look out for themselves first.
Now,  I am not saying this is ideal...because your family should be your first line of defense against the world...and having no buffer at an early age can destroy people.
But people who make it through that...well, they are some tough ass bitches.
Then the real work is letting people back in and trusting....almost a reverse issue.
I think being raised like that, (if you are self aware and don't allow bitterness to overwhelm you) tends to lead to more compassion for people who are down and out.
Just like poor people have a tendency to give more...because they know what being poor is like, kids who grew up rough know what it's like to be alone with no support.
And they don't fear it.
Because they know they can make it.
did you grow up in an abusive household.
Did you believe there were monsters under your bed or in the closet.
Do you fear making choices that aren't popular.

Just questions:
Chris out.


cashier chronicles...aka the devolution of humanity

manager mania: 
The further adventures of your dollar tree manager...
Time: The last two days
Place: The Dollar tree

the story of mushmouth, titty sling and a popped tart. Okay...the last two days have been cah-razy. First I have decided that I do not have an option...I need to clean for about 20 minutes after the store closes, or the store will not be clean...number 2, I have decided that people are nuts. Number three, my faith in humanity is daily simultaneously sunk to new lows and lifted to new heights...because there are three kinds of people in life...the evolving, the devolving and the insane.

First up...mushmouth. 

Guy comes up to me....and mutters yahmddahab griluntack. (?)
"Excuse me sir?"
'Yah habbin tahab grillin tack.' (...was that grilling in there?)
"I'm sorry sir, could you repeat that...it's loud in here.."
(honest thought from your dollar tree manager...speak UP and ARTICULATE @SSHOLE)
"Ya habbin da grillun taco." (having...grilling...taco)
Do we have GRILLING TACOS sir?
yeb. (assumes that means yes)
No sir...we have no grilling tacos
(wtf is a grilling taco.!)

tanku (thank you)
Your welcome sir.

the evolver ( people who are moving forward in our dear evolutionary process...aka..people I can talk to and admire..)
a lady with multiple sclerosis who refuses to use a wheel chair, because she is going to use her body while she can...and tells her sons daily that they can do anything...I met her while she was searching for coconut.
She says..."I take away people's excuses'...

little does she know how many excuses people have.

on to titty sling.
lady comes in last night at the last minute...it's nine o clock..
but Paris Hilton thinks this is her personal shopping hour at the dollar tree...she is shuffling around the store, picking up her items...yelling at her children...she shuffles on up...takes shit out of the cart at 9:15...15 minutes after we are closed...tells us she doesn't want several items (which we will now have to put back) she is wearing a tank top and no bra...so we are all treated to her boobs (which hang down to her navel...that are covered only the last twenty percent...thank God for small mercies) near the bottom...so we see the sack like appendages..suspended from her chest in what I dubbed, in that moment, a titty sling. 

She was rude, uncouth and finally she left...

and finally
last, but certainly not least....Mrs. pop tart.
tonight..near the end of the shift..mrs. pop tart wanted to trade in a hard line item for a food item.
We can't do that..because food doesn't have tax...so we would owe her money.
Dollar tree policy specifically states no monetary refunds.
J tells her no..she actually has me called to the front..wherein j asks me the policy..I repeat the policy..
She says, 'You don't have to have an attitude.'
I said, "I'm not having an attitude ma'am, I am just stating the policy'...
then she proceeds to tell me that he (J) can take the 'extra' money from his till and just keep it..and I tell her that THAT would get me written up, and him fired.
she then demands the number for corporate...
that's right folks...
she wants the number for corporate....for her pop tarts return.
I said 'yes ma'am'.
and handed her the number.
I think the only people on earth who could think less of most humans than dollar tree employees...
must be the corporate complaint line.
That is all for tonight folks.


How to get a bikini body...

I am linking here.....this is how you get a bikini body.
As a person striving to get healthy.....I am not getting healthy to prove I am worth while...I am getting healthy for me..

Whatever you do....do it for you.


Who has the power?

You have the power.

Have you ever been driving down the road and looked at the center line..and though for a moment about the fact that the only thing keeping the other car on their side of the road (apart from a healthy sense of self preservation) are societal norms and a bit of paint?

The only thing keeping you from their side is the same?

One flick of your hand..and the lives of at least two people are changed forever.

You could change your whole life in one hour.

YOu could go home...pack up and leave.
you could ask for a divorce..call everyone you know and tell them you are done.
Quit your job.
Jump off a bridge.
stand naked in the town square.

The only thing that stops us from doing things...is our own mind.
Our conscience.
Our norms.
Today I did something I don't normally do.
I unfriended someone on facebook..
I did it because I realized that I no longer want people in my life,
who are nothing but a simmering ball of hate..
to fill my life with their invective.
who pollute my soul with their ignorance..
I don't care.
In one moment, I said no more.

Now with some things...it is harder.
and you may have to pay a bigger price.
to have the life you truly want...
It's worth it.
You have the power.
You just have to DECIDE.

once you decide, you move forward...
and it will probably be painful..
but paying short term
beats the hell out of long term regret.
There can be nothing sadder than looking back on a life you wasted.
 wasted trying to be a person you didn't like very much..
doing things you can't stand
for people who don't really give a shit...
in a life they don't have to live.

People always have opinions about the lives of others.
Yet, they don't have to live it.
You do.
When you come to die...no one will be looking back for you...rationalizing your decisions.
It will just be you.
And I think about this quite often.
The clarity on the day of your death..
I am betting and guessing..
is amazing.
a clear view to the horizon.
The only things we will regret will be not living fully and not loving enough.

It is not going to be the number on the scale.
although getting healthy to enjoy life is important.
IT's not going to be the bank account...
although being frugal and saving matter...

I want to look back and see that I took whatever power I had and leveraged it into a life that was full and fantastic.
I will not hand my power to anyone.
I will not abdicate my possibilities.
With love,


How to begin to have the life you want

I was asked yesterday..
HOw do you begin to have the life you want.
How do you deconstruct your entire life?
The first step is, of course, realizing that you are in a life you DON'T want.
Many people don't even acknowledge the fact that they are miserable.
Or if they do, they think it's normal.
The idea that you have created your normal is hard to believe..
when your normal seems so shitty.
The thing is..
you have to want to feel better.
You have to want to be better.
Or you ain't gonna make it.
You chose your life, remember?
There is a reason you chose it.
Changing your whole life is a bitch.
It's worth it..
but this isn't a 3.5 miles walk-athon for fundraising..
this is training for the soul olympics.
I am going to post something from January 12th, 2000
This is about 7 years before I really began to change my whole life.

January 12, 2000

Well, back here again.
I get frustrated easily
I make a big deal over everything and nitpick Kate.
I am a fucking martinet who eats too much and spends too much.
I am tired and stressed.
I feel like I clean all the time and the house is still a mess.
Life is the same-day after day
Nothing changes
I get up, do useless errands and go to bed.
I have been doing this for six years.
No wonder I nitpick Kate...
I need to figure shit out or I will be STUCK IN THIS FUCKING HOLE MY ENTIRE LIFE.
(and here is why I know the date)
January 12, 2000

and there you go folks.
That was me..fourteen years ago..it took me 7.more.years.  to start changing my life.
I had to recognize that I has lost my voice.
All that up there..
was a product of me...trying to be the picture of what I thought a mother and a wife should be.
The first step is hearing yourself.
And believing yourself.
When you are morbidly obese...
at some point you stopped listening to yourself..
because deep down you believed you weren't worth listening to.
So you began to listen to all these voices that tell you...
'have a sparkling home...your children will be healthy."
Never complain
good mothers ___________ (insert socially acceptable quality here)
The one voice of mine that I listened to was the voice my mother gave me..
That my children were their own people...and I was not to live vicariously through them.
And I honored that...
But it didn't stop me from tearing myself apart...
You want to change your life.
Stop eating!
Not to lose weight...
set a calorie cap where you KNOW you won't be hungry...do it for a week..
feel your emotions..and when they come.
what are YOU SAYING!
What do you say to yourself!
And that, my darlings...will tell you everything you need to know about what you think of you.
Unless you know that...
unless you know where your own brain is..
you can't go anywhere.


fighting to get even

Hello guys..
two blogs in days..
yup..some kind of record.
I am writing this because a blog buddy and good friend (Deb) made a comment that was dead on when it comes to my last post, and where I am in life right now.

I fought to level.

I fought to even ground.

All my life I have been in a deficit.
When I lost weight...
I wanted to skip the rest of it..
I wanted to believe I had done all I needed to do..even though I knew I hadn't.
It took me 20 some odd years to come to grips with my eating problems..
Finding out I had more shit under there was discouraging.
I just wanted to be better!
When I got down to a weight where men were noticing me..
it scared the shit out of me.
so badly I nearly fainted.
That was when I knew I couldn't ignore it...or act my way better.
I had to fix it.
So I took self defense classes.
Then I knew my marriage wasn't what it should be...
because even though my husband was better towards me because I lost weight.
he was better towards me because I lost weight.
The solving of the problem created a problem.
One I couldn't ignore...and it began to expose other problems....that I couldn't ignore.
Any person who has lost a significant amount of weight...
and was using that weight to solve emotional issues,...
will have one hell of a surprise waiting at the end of their rainbow.
YOu don't get in that kind of predicament without living with a seriously faulty set of beliefs....about yourself, relationships, life and everything in it.
When you begin to correct how you see yourself, long term?
When you no longer lose weight from self hatred..
and begin to have faith in yourself..
Your mindset will shift...and will no longer align with the people in your life.
Remember, those people were attracted to a person covering their pain with food....
or a person who had no boundaries.
or a person that wanted love so badly, they would accept even the chimera of it...a shadow.
and either they will change, you will change back...or one of you will have to leave.
IT is rare for both people to change.
It is nigh on a miracle.
Your weight loss is going to expose every crack in the dam.
This is why weightloss fails.
major weightloss.
Because ripping apart your whole life wasn't the deal...fitting in a bikini was the deal.
But your health is bigger than clothing...

all my life I have felt less than...
I had to tear it all down and fight like hell to get to a healthy even.
to even begin to build.
I spent three years fighting the notion that I still had to fight.
I was tired of it.
But I remained steady long enough..
when I got tired..I held steady..
gave it a rest.
YOu don't have to keep pushing all the time.
If it is a long ass battle...
sit down for a month or two and hold your ground.
Or hell, like me...a year here, or a year there.
take note of where you were and where you are headed.
And then move forward.
I tell you...
one day you will reach daylight.
and you will find.
fighting from even ground feels like fighting from high ground when you are so used to being in a hole.
fighting for so long teaches you how to fight.
teaches you patience.
I am ten times stronger for it.
So keep fighting.
It may not be fair that you have to fight so hard...when others came out the shoot even.
but like a bone that fractures and heals..fractures and heals..
you become nearly unbreakable.
Chris out.


can't find words deep enough

to title this post.

I don't know if you have ever felt splintered.
or fractured.
I remember feeling that way since I was little. (around 12)
But I didn't know I felt that way..
Like there was some internal weakness in me..that was unfixable.
Like I was somehow inherently incapable.
It manifested in fear of people...and staying alone.
Never speaking up...never putting anyone out.
Being abused...
being called stupid as a name..daily.
It instilled in me a BELIEF that I was wrong intrinsically.
I fought that with my BELIEF that God had planned me....had written me into the palm of his hand from the foundations of the earth and that I was no mistake.
They say you cannot hold two opposing beliefs.
That is not true.
You can.
You will just be confused.
You will fight within yourself.
You will have no real direction.
Because one half of you will be pulling like hell in one direction.
While the other half is pulling like hell in the other.
On the outside, this looks like stagnation.
inside it is a hurricane.
People will think you just lack motivation.
But what are you really?
you are TIRED!
  And you don't even know why.

It's because somewhere deep inside there are two sides of you...two belief systems
trying to win.
You can go your whole life doing this.
Don't think you can't.
The thing is...
the negative is much easier to believe.
The truth is so much harder to accept.
The truth means that not only do you have to level TO THE FOUNDATION your entire life..
which was built on a premise of lies about who you are..and what you are capable of..
it means you may lose people you love.
and that you hope love you.
Sometimes  it means accepting hurtful truths..
that they fell in love with an image in their own minds...and it was never you they loved to begin with.
and sometimes it is accepting that who you fell in love with, was safety.
It may mean you have to let go of the faulty premise of your love..
and rebuild a new relationship built on honesty and exposure..
and being who you really are...
not who you tried to be to please them...
or an image of who you wish you were..
or who someone told you you are...

And that is where I am...
I am in the rebuilding phase of my marriage.
And it is hard.
And it is wonderful.
and honest..and real.
And for the first time in our marriage..I feel like when he looks at me, and I look at him..we are really seeing each other.
And he hugged me yesterday and said "I really do love you, you know."
and I realized I really do love him too.

But I did it withour sacrificing who I am becoming.
And without lying.
and with telling him the truth about what I want.
Because I deserve to be treated with kindness...
and when he treats me with anger or contempt...I call it out right there.
I am learning my worth in God's eyes.
and givng my love accordingly...
I am trusting the process will take me where I need to go without clinging to any specific outcome.
That takes faith and hope.
Two things I have learned to reacquire.
I haven't had the urge to eat just to eat in three weeks. 
I have actually stopped, midway through a meal because I was no longer hungry..
not because I made myself.
I just stopped.
Like when I was little.
that was a good moment.
chris out.


You deserve to be seen and loved

I used to wake  up in the morning dreaming of a perfect life.
I would skim through conversations with my husband..
ignoring the glaring warning signs of a lack of respect...
I would excuse it..wish it away..
oh he's just hungry..
feeling terrible
I used to project feelings onto others
I projected loyalty, love and friendship where only scant evidence existed.
As the late, great maya angelou once said
When people show you who they are; believe them.
When people show you who they are...ignore it and wish it away. lol.

One of the scariest parts of getting healthy is facing the myriad of shitty relationships you have developed.
If the people around you don't believe in you..
don't believe the best in you.
aren't there for you when you need them most..
but you keep giving and giving and giving..
in the vain hope that someday, all that giving will show them what a fantastic person you are..
that you are worthy of love or friendship.
Because a real friend, or lover or family member...doesn't need you to prove anything.
They simply believe you, and in you.
IF you were raised in  a family that was a complete bag of shit...
you will have to take my word for that.
But you will never find it in people who say one thing....but then never DO what they say.
love is a verb.
It's like the boyfriend who says.
oh baby...I love you..
but never calls.
when you need to talk...he's never there.
And when you need him period..he says you are clingy.
and when he is disrespectful in his language and demeanor..
and you get upset...
you are too sensitive.
This is your classic asshole..
there is no fixing this.
he latched on to YOU...because you threw off the vibe 'needy'.
you had no boundaries..
and he knew he could use you and abuse you...and you would still try to win his affection.
Because you KNEW you had to earn love.
That is what you had been taught, and what you had accepted as your reality...
and the predator types hone in on that.
I had an epic lesson in friendship.
I won't go into details...but it involved he said/she said...
and I approached this and tried to fix things...
I was lied about..but called a liar..and I had no way to prove my veracity. A woman I had only known ONE YEAR... looked at me and said..
I have only known you one year...but I know this.
You would not lie.
That my friends...was a friend in action.
That's what it looks like when someone bothers to stop and see you..
and this same friend had also noticed something so profound...something I thought I held secret..
I took my youngest out to dinner..
and my youngest looked at me and said..
You know mom, I have a problem..how am I ever going to give my child a better life than the one I have had...mine has been perfect.
and I cried.
and when I told my friend what sophie had said..
she said..
That was your biggest wish, and you accomplished it.
I never told her that.
she just knew.
I tell you...to be truly known by someone...man.
it's about the best feeling in the world.
Because she saw past all my sarcasm and my smart ass..
and knew deep down that my primary purpose in life was to erase..moment by moment..
my childhood..and replace it with memories of my children's childhood.
she saw in me...a person who valued her integrity..and saw in my daughter..the same.
That takes a person who cares enough to look and to see...
I go to work daily...and have a boss who sees my potential.
If you are brave enough to see where you stand...
do one thing..
stop rowing.
many times we are rowing boats in relationships.
we think we are in tandem..
but we are rowing alone...
and we are so tired...we think there must be drag.
But we stop rowing..
and the boat stops.
If you want to know the state of your relationship, whatever it may be.
Stop rowing.
If the other person picks up the oars.
You may be on to something.
If not, it's time to find a new boat.
The hardest thing about creating boundaries and watching changes in behavior as a result...is that it never really erases what you already know about the person whose behavior is changing.
You can't unknow what you know.
Because I value my integrity so highly...the knowledge that someone who purports to love you...would treat you like shit unless you say no?
That doesn't strike me as love.
The healthier I get....the less bullshit I am capable of filtering.
I do believe my bullshit filter is full.
But learning to set those boundaries and demand better.
it's essential to getting well.
You will find people who love you, and see you, and value you and want to take the time to be in relationship with you...
You just have to stop putting all your energy into people who have no interest in returning the favor.
make room.
it will happen.
I will post about my trip to san antonio later in the week..
hope all is good with you!
With love,
Chris out.


Fat is a self imposed prison

I Remember talking to a skinny friend once...and I said:  Don't you ever just want to eat till you get sick? She said...no?
I couldn't understand her..I thought she was lying.  Really.

I was thinking the other night, of how many things I passed up...or didn't do...because I either had no knowledge that they were 'a good thing', or that I deserved them.

I talked about actively failing...Now I want to talk about living down to expectations.
I didn't know that I didn't know...
The idea that I should expect more from a spouse, or that I had the capability to not only be thin....but I could be thin, and happy and excelling in a career while having a child and a happy home..
I didn't think to expect a nice home...
or nice furnishings.
My bar was set low.
too low...for what I now know my capabilities are..
deep down, I believed I DESERVED to be minimized...so that when it happened....it didn't even sound an alarm.
My messy house didn't ring any bells...because although I came up in a nearly spotless environment...I accepted less because deep down I couldn't see me as an organized and capable person.
Any moment of happy was diminished by the expectation of foreboding..
Because I truly believed that nothing good could come to me without the law of averages coming through to level the playing field.
So I never truly enjoyed a victory..
I never asked for more..
or expected more.
My fat was a self imposed prison....it blocked me from a world of possibility.
It was a self perpetuating reality...
I projected a version of me that ensured people didn't expect too much...because deep down, I didn't expect too much.
The only thing that has kept me in bad relationships...sub par surroundings and a less than stellar body...is me.
It was all I knew...
Below is a video about beagles...who spent their whole lives in a lab being tested.
And then one day..
these people bought these beagles and freed them...
and while many enjoyed their freedom..
there were a few who 're-crated' because all that possibility..
all that freedom..
it was just too much.
If you don't want to watch the whole thing...fast forward till about 4 minutes in I think...it's a depressing addend to the video...but it is reality.
In my book...that is the essence of regain...
You don't know what to do with all that possibility.
The idea that all this was at your fingertips...you could have had it years ago...
the idea that this could apply to other areas?!
holy shit.
Where's my box!
It's overwhelming...especially if, deep down...you still believe you deserve every shitty thing that ever happened...because you think that there is something wrong with you.
(or if life hadn't handed you additional shit...you were carrying that old, shit filled litter box around. Smelling up the place and causing everyone around you to avoid you...because your shit was stinking up the place.)
If you haven't whittled that out..
regain is inevitable...
because it was how you cut yourself off from the pain of existence and the pain of what your mind kept telling you...
You will re-crate.
you will regain...
until you learn to love and believe in yourself.
until you learn to see your possibilities..and not view yourself through the lens of broken people and situations.
You will continue to live a substandard life...unless you shred the tape...get rid of false dichotomies, expect more and believe you deserve what you work to achieve...you will continue to live in disappointment and stagnation.

You are capable of much more than you think.
I know I was...
and am...
I had a moment three days ago while riding in my car..
and I said "Ooooh Chris, what you could have done!"
Then I realized I am not dead yet.
The best bit starts now.

With  Love,
Chris out.


Cashier chronicles: The victory edition

Hey guys, I am so sorry I haven't written...I've been jumping out my ass.
so when last I wrote...I was all..I gotta write every day..
and then things got crazy at work...long hours.
and Then I wanted to spend time with soph...and writing letters and working out and all that..
I just don't have time to blog.
Not like I used to..

But here is the big news...
8 months ago, I was really devastated.
My marriage wasn't where I thought it was...
I was told that because someone else made the money... I needed to keep the house to his standard.
I didn't have any job or ability (I thought) to get one..
so I went door to door till I found one.
The dollar tree.
I told the manager Mary that even though all I had on my application was dog sitter..
I would be the best employee she ever had...
and she hired me.
The plan...work there till I could get a teller position at a bank.

So for 8 months I have slopped at the cashier trough.
I have busted my ass...gotten to know myself as a person who works and is respected at work.
I have never called in, never been late...never been written up..
I have done extra duty...stayed overtime..
spoke ill of no one and helped everyone.

I have earned minimum wage...
We are not morons who just push a button...
we do a lot..
and I have gotten to know a lot of very good people who get paid very shitty wages.
And yesterday,
my boss approached me
and asked me..
'Have you ever thought about being a manager?"
and I said.
and there is that moment where you don't know what to do with your hands.
put them on your hips...
keep them out of your pockets. (definitely)
cross them in front of you? (I chose this)
It's the Sean Anderson dilemma of what to do with your hands when your picture is being taken.
She said..
let's see if you can merchandise..
and she gave me a table.
and told me to take anything from anywhere and make it look good.
It's what i have done as a mother and an artist for years..the same ability that was not appreciated, is what has gotten me noticed!
And she came back two hours later..
and I had my fourth of july table together.
She said "That looks fantastic'.
I just have to show up early...leave later..
and eventually..
(I think this is going to involve the departure of one of our managers)
I will be training to be a night manager.
It's been 8 months.
I feel great guys.
I walked two miles per day the last two days..
my calories are sitting at 1460 for today..
1700 yesterday.
But yesterday was a huge personal victory.

And coming home...
and telling my husband that my manager wanted to make me a manager.
let's just say it was a good moment.
keep on keeping on people.
with Love,
Chris out.


Cashier Chronicles:The 'no bully' zone

Well, back to the store again..
Tonight was good...for the most part.
I like helping people find things they need...
That's the fun part..
The not so fun part...angry and aggressive people who think I'll be intimidated by angry and or aggressive behavior.
So, I am checking this woman out...
She has six cups she's purchased.
or is trying to purchase...I work at a dollar store people...
and she says...are they 59 cents?
I say "No ma'am, they are ringing up at a dollar."
She says, "The sign back there says they are 59 cents"
I say, "Well ma'am, they are ringing up one dollar."
She says "Do you want me to get you the sign?"

(everyone freeze....do I want her to get me the sign...no.
Why in the hell would I want her to get me the sign?  What does that prove?  That she has a sign that says 59 cents...we have more than one type of coke glass...she is all aggressive...and the way she said it was..Do you WANT me to GET YOU the SIGN?!!!! back to regularly scheduled programming.)

All this time I was simply staring at her..maybe five seconds.  I say, "ma'am, I don't want you to get me the sign..even if the sign says they are 59 cents...I can't change the price. "
She says..."I can go GET the sign."
I say (Now lol...this was probably rude)" I have no way of changing the price...the reason it's priced 1 dollar is because at some point, a manager, using a pricing gun..pointed it at the bottom of one of those cups and typed in one dollar. I don't have the power to change that. But if you would like me to take it off your ticket I can...I will void out your order and start over, then you can wait for my manager to be done cashing out the other cashier...and you can ask her."
"Is that what you would like to do?"
She just nodded.
I don't know if she goes through life expecting her little fits to get her things...but she ran into me...not going to happen.
My boss walks her over and explains that it was the little coke glasses are the ones that are 59 cents.  I have no doubt that was very apparent and she thought she could bully a cashier into accepting the price by being obnoxious.
yeah. not happening.
She told the manager I was mean. Lololololol.
and then I am attempting to put things  away and mr. smooth ( some black dude who was trying to be smooth.) said and I quote "hey little mama, come here..come here."
I am obligated to help a customer.
So I say "Can I help you find something?"
He says..."Yeah, maybe..say...your pretty..."
NOw, I can remember when this would have made me anxious.
NOw I am just irritated.
I stand there looking at him.
He says.
"who broke your heart."
I say
"I am married."
he says "Oh..."
"well then.."
(I feel no need to fill in the silence)
I say, "do you need some help?"
He says..."no, no thank you ...I got it."

I didn't work out today...Worst day of tom..cramps and irritable.
my calories came in at 1520..
food dead on.
Good day other than that..
and me and my boss had a great time tonight swapping stories.
so it's all good.
hope all was good with you as well.
with love,
Chris out.


How to avoid a binge

Hello all..
day 4
Yesterday wasn't all that hard...today was tougher.
NO sleep last night because of post nasal drip.
Early workday...
But I had a plan and worked it...
cliff bar..1rst meal
two eggs and one whole grain egg muffin (studiously avoiding white flour)
and one cup of coffee @ 40 cals for the creamer...measured.
Grand total for morning hours 570 calories..
because I worked from 9-2...I only have a ten minute break...so I knew I wouldn't eat for five hours.
When I got out of work...I was right next to the panda express...I knew Ihad to work out and that I was hungry.
(I could have down a 600 calorie panda bowl...putting me at 1130 calories...and I thought..
that would leave me with a paltry 370-470 for the rest of day...and I still had to work out!
heck no.)
So I went home, still sitting at 570 calories...had 1.8 ounces of cheese and a banana...and a cup of coffee. (my second cup for the day...(today I measured 80 calories for creamer total) 360 calories..
NOw I am sitting at 930 calories.
I work out..2.5 mile walk...40 deep wide legged squats, 100 situps, 50 pound benchpress 36 times and 30 bicep curls with 10 lb weights.

I go home...Now I am hungry..it's 6 o clock...
I eat another ounce of cheese (need to get laughing cow..)
I am at 1030
I make beddar cheddar sausages, egg noodles and salad.
I eat two sausage links 440 calories...and the other half of my plate is salad with 2 tablespoons of dressing 80 calories...1600 calories.
I'm done for the night...right?
yeah...it's 9 o clock..
Sophie wants a sobee and tim wants a candy bar....
I agree to go up.
And my addict mind kicks in...
you have been good three days in a row...it's day four...have a big bowl of popcorn...you can start over tomorrow..
* other half of my brain
but wouldn't you rather have something sweet
(when it comes to my food...unless i actively seek it..I HAVE NO GOOD ANGEL.)
Well (I think to myself) If I were going to have something sweet..I'd have a peanut butter cup...no no..that peanut butter candy bar...reece's peanut butter candy bar..
(I don't know if you've seen this...it's around six hundred calories..and it's shaped like a hershey's..only inside each link...there's peanut butter)
Then rational dieting Chris inserts her voice...(I'm still driving...this is key)
Do you really want to do this...you got to the gym and your feet hurt, you were sore and tired as hell. You did it anyway...you did a great workout..do you really want to ruin it..or eat the calories you burned?
addict Me....it's only one day.
authentic me:  One day is momentum or stalling
addict me: not alot to say on that one.
authentic me:  how will you feel if you do this.
addict me:  It will taste good.
authentic me: then it will sit like lead in your stomach
addict me: Well, then maybe you could get a small peanut butter cup..do they sell such a thing?
(looking at this..I am glad I am 10 miles from the store)
authentic me: If you are going to do that, you might as well have a peanut butter cliff bar.
addict me:  If you are going to do THAT, then what's the point at all.
authentic me: EXACTLY!
and I win.
I bought nothing but a diet root beer.
Tim got his candy bar..sophie got her life water.
I got the satisfaction of putting one more day between me and my excuses.
What would have blown this scenario out of the water?
Having either of those things in the house.
Don't do it.
turning on the radio to tune out my inner voice.
that could have done it...
talking to myself is a major way I skip listening to my inner voice....
If I am about to eat something, I will busy my mind with a problem I am having....and then I don't have think about it.
It's intentional.
That, my friends, is the inner dialogue..
that is the struggle..
It's as simple as saying no
and as hard as saying no.
With love,
Chris out.


Good enough days

Hello all,
Day 3 in weight loss country.
I made it to the gym and did 50 minutes on the elliptical..
It's the precor elliptical...I don't do machine assisted ellipticals..I don't feel they give a good workout.
Day 3 is where I have usually fizzled in the last year...
I have two great days...one crappy day...followed by a mediocre week..
then two great days and so on...
It's the "I earned it"  feeling you get when you eat well and exercise for two consecutive days.
You say, "Just for today, I will have a little extra."
You know you aren't digging a hole...you have calorie deficit..
so you won't gain.
Or conversely, you eat more than intended..you feel you messed up anyways...so why not just go whole hog and start again tomorrow...aka perfectionism.
Then tomorrow never comes..
or it becomes monday..or friday...or the beginning of the following month.
There is no correct day.
The correct day to begin to achieve your goals is now.
And if you mess up one meal...
it's the next meal...not the next day.

But you also aren't getting any closer to your ultimate goal.
So typically, day 3 is hard for me..
But having wrapped last night  up in a neat little bow...
I approached today with twice the determination because I know me.
I ate 1730 calories today..
But I consider it a win.
I will tell you why..
gummy vitamins 35
I ate 1 cliff bar..250 calories
I ate 3 eggs 1 toast 300 calories
I ate 2 to 2.5 ounces of cheese and 10 crackers (here is where I made my error)350
2 cups of coffee with creamer (I round to 100)

Now, by the time I came to dinner....I had practically forgotten about the cheese and crackers.
It's not hard to do...get busy and it happens.

I had 8 oz of steak on my plate (tenderloin...boy was it tasty) 650 calories as it sat
I had a very small potato with just light sour cream on it...
120 tops.
four asparagus spears and some mushrooms 60 calories

I began to eat my steak and half way through it...realized my mistake..
and took the last two or three ounces and gave it to the dog..
I had taken two bites of my small potato...threw the rest away.
and ate the asparagus.
I estimate I ate around 500 calories of steak...50 calories of potato...50 calories of asparagus..
so, 1670....then I rounded up by 50 incase I ate more than 2.5 ounces....which I doubt.
I burned 500...so my caloric total was 1230...or enough to sustain a 123 lb female.
I had a deficit of around 500 to 550 calories for the day.

I used to have a perfectionist mindset.
If it wasn't perfect...then screw it...binge and start again tomorrow.
realizing I could stop mid snack or mid meal and just not eat the rest is not something I used to do...
You can stop at any time.
Your day deosn't have to be perfect for it to be a success...
having a deficit is a success...
tying this day off in a bow with a deficit is a success.
Letting tomorrow be it's own day with a clean slate will be a success.
Don't let perfectionism ruin your 'good enough day."

IF you allow yourself to believe that the only effort that is worthy is a perfect effort, you will never lose the weight...because imperfect days happen..because they are created by imperfect people.
Some days will be stellar, some will be good enough...and some will be plain awful.
The majority of your days will be good enough days.
YOu get maybe five stellar days a month....it's the good enough days that get you where you want to go....
day after day after day.
let it go and move on to the next day.
It will happen.
With love,
Chris out.


Cashier Chronicles: Because I must

So any of my long term blog followers know that I went out and got a job...A job as a cashier.

IN the process...I have learned there are truly good people..

and there are some real assholes.
And to ensure I don't pop a blood vessel...I write..
I write because I must.

I had one big asshole right out the gate tonight
This woman runs her ebt card.

it's declined.
It has 8.50 cents on it.
I say, "ma'am, your balance is 8.50 cents."
She says, "Fine, just run it for 10."

Me-"Your balance is 8.50 cents."

Her- "Just run it on cash for 10'.
I hit debit.
It's declined again.
She says, "I said run it on cash."
I say "ma'am, I can't run it on anything but debit and credit, food and cash is on your side."
She says, "You should have told me."

She had to hit the food button twice to get her first piss poor result.
The cash button is right underneath it.
I can't help you...if you can't help yourself.

you ma'am...are the asshole.

Then I have a man I have nicknamed stucky (because he hits on women who can't hit back) come through my line.
he comes through my line every.single.night.
HE is short...and obnoxious.
He began coming through my line about a month ago...
and he would say demeaning things...
Things like, "Well, at least you are minimally educated.'

And then he began  trying to flirt.
HE is annoying.
and tonight he came through and paid in pennies.
I am glad that I have cultivated patience over the last six months..
throat punching an angry, dwarf like man would probably get me fired.

Food and exercise.
Both were good today...
I ate 1630 calories...
consisting of
1 cliff bar 250
3 eggs 1 toast 300
kung pao chicken panda powl 600 calories
1 dark cherry kind bar 180
2 bell peppers 1 carrot and 1/4 cup of low fat french onion dip.  200 calories
2 cups of coffee with half and half...(less than 1/4 cup) 100 cals.
(I round up with this to be safe.)

2 mile walk and 100 sit ups
36 chest presses with 2 (25 lbs) dumbells .....free weights.
so 50 pounds 36 times.

and stretching.
Tomorrow it's back on the elliptical.
mentally, I have to remind myself that today is over.
It doesn't earn me anything tomorrow.
Tomorrow is whole and complete unto itself.
I will fail or succeed tomorrow...
I succeeded today...
and that success is over once my head hits the pillow.
Have a great night guys.
With love,


eliminating and overcoming obstacles

I ran two days where I went long at work...
I had to grocery shop yesterday...the two days prior were good tests for my schedule/eating issues..
I have a few.
Number 1..
making sure I Have groceries is imperative.
making time to shop
not so easy.
But I went yesterday...
Today was the first day in three days I got to the gym..
The prior two days (I worked two doubles..)
Were also good days to ensure that I get my workout done by 8 in the morning...in case.
In case I work a double..
having food that is in my car and healthy and readily available is imperative.
Having ready made food in my fridge to take with me...imperative.
otherwise at 8 at night you end up blowing everything by eating two slices of cold pizza..
maybe calorically or maybe not..
but certainly not how or what I want to eat.
Today I had the day off...
So, it was easy to eat correctly, and exercise.
I ate three eggs and a piece of toast.
one cliff bar
one banana
and four homemade crispy tacos with lettuce and tomato and cheese
I am sitting at 1550 for the day.
I burned 500 calories by doing 50 minutes on the elliptical..
and then when I got home..
I stripped and waxed my car.
Which took hours.
I'll take a pic tomorrow..
looks pretty.
and here's a little inspiration for you...after watching this guy...it really puts your excuses in perspective.


Day one...year zero and brutal honesty

It's time...like Sean Anderson likes to say...to up my importance level regarding my diet and exercise.

So many other things have taken precedence...
Finding a job..learning to defend myself.
Learning to love myself as I am...
Learning to let go of fear.

It's going to be interesting to see my attitude towards calorie restriction now.
I got to the mid 150's and I began to have a great deal of fear...
I have done a lot of head work since then..
so It's time to go back in and see what happens...
I have to be completely honest about every calorie..
weighing and measuring ever calorie.
and posting it here..as well as how I feel daily.
every day is day one..
no coasting on yesterday's success..
no planning on 'getting back to it' tomorrow.

It's called accountability..
I stopped weighing in 2011 because of the fear..
I will start again in three months..August 1rst..
If I feel that fear again...it's time for some therapy.
I think I've conquered it...
but then again...I thought i had peeled all the layers...when I had one big one left to peel
It's always the big ones we leave for last..isn't it?
so...here we go...will post tomorrow.
keep me accountable.
IF you don't see me posting..
if i don't post my food..
skip my workout..
call me out.
with love,


welcome to the diet portion of my blog

hello people...
I'm baaack...
I am currently sitting on my couch making the sane and logical choice to NOT eat.
It isn't easy.
I did 40 minutes on my elliptical today and then 120 situps..and then arm weights...chest press, bicep curl and flies.
my calories..
lets see what did I eat..
I will write it out here..
1rst meal
one cliff bar. 25o calories
2nd meal
three eggs and a piece of toast 310 calories
3rd meal
a candy bar...milky way caramel
(terrible choice...but now is the time to be honest)
250 calories
4th meal
8 cups of popcorn and 3 tablespoons butter..
* again..won't reiterate...we are going for honesty.
460 calories
5th meal
2 cups homemade kungpao with 1/2 cup rice 500 calories

and two cups coffee..with about a fourth of cup of milk..40 calories

       1810 calories..
better than lately...hell yes.
because I wrote it out and was honest..
and I burned 500 calories today..
so that calorie level and burn is enough to sustain a 13o pound woman...so, for me..
that is a weight loss day.
but that being said. I am head hungry.
I sat next to my darling daughter while we watched once upon a time...and she ate popcorn.
I already had popcorn earlier in the day..
it is my favorite food.
Not eating it..
so now I need to go to bed..and begin again in the morning with the sure knowledge that today doesn't mean tomorrow.
I get to do this all over again tomorrow.
Which is what makes it hard..
but if you do it, day in and day out..you will achieve your goals..
and as we all know..
the days go whether we achieve our goals or not.
So stick to the plan....and let the days go.
That is the easiest part...They go fast.
You can use the way time slips to your advantage.
And when you want to eat..ask yourself before you do...where do you want to be one week from now..
another week older and closer to death without making progress.
or another week older and closer to who you want to be.
Will this choice make me happy in one hour or sad..
how about as you lay in bed.
Will you feel proud of this, or ashamed.
Then choose.
with love,


The death crawl

If there is one thing I have learned in life....It is that I am stronger than I know..
and the only way to find out how much I have in me..is to push till I can't push anymore..
and then push a little further.
We always stop before we look weak, don't we.
Before we feel pain.
Before it requires something..
Something more than we think we have.
The only time we grow is when we step into the abyss of the unkown.
Full of fear...
Full of uncertainty.
and we do it anyway.
Past the point of pain..
through tears.
Through the dark.
never quitting...pushing and pushing.
Then God takes off the blindfold and we find we are further than we thought.
We are in the end zone.
Don't quit.
Don't quit.
Don't quit.


passion>spiritual death

Hello all,
back from the silence.
Not because I was in a bad place..
I was incredibly busy...
working 25 hours a week..making sure I get my daily exercise...however small..
and working on making my (now departed to the airforce) daughter's old room into my new art room.

Speaking of Art...
I believe I talked about how I was dead inside.
And didn't realize it.
And then one day I did.
This was before I realized I was morbidly obese..
by a year or two.
And my husband had deployed again to Iraq.
And I was worn out..
fatter than ever.
I took up crocheting..thinking that If I kept my hands busy..I would stop eating.
That was a bad year.
It was the year my husband deployed for the fourth time..
which was preceded by a miscarriage..
a miscarriage that was preceded by finding out my oldest brother had a terminally progressive illness.
My marriage was bad.
My life was devoid of fun.
My oldest was becoming disrespectful and unruly..
I didn't have the energy to even correct her...let alone enjoy her.
And I saw a commercial for The defense institute.
It promised to teach my child to defend herself...it wasn't a martial arts school...it was a self defense school.
Their motto.
IF you want art, buy a brush.
Which, of course, caught my attention.
So I enrolled her.
It saved my sanity.
Three days a week I would take Kate after school.
Her teacher was loud...and happy and upbeat and positive..
he irritated me a little.
But still...
I would sit and crochet.
She would run in circles..
and any time she exhibited the signs of disrespect towards Eric...her sensei...
he would call her on it..
"mom" he would yell...
"Yes."  I would say.
"Does she do this at home?"
Yes,  I would say...
he said "If she does it again, You tell me, and when she gets here...she can do pushups till she corrects her attitude."
The first time he said that, I felt a ton of weight lift off my shoulders.
He no longer irritated me. LOL.

I can't tell you how many times during that year I utilized the threat..
"Don't make me tell Eric."
She hated Eric.
But she didn't hate me.

Then Kate told me she didn't want me sitting through her classes...so I would drive around for 45 minutes till she got done.
one day...as I was driving up and down academy blvd with sophie in the back screaming her head off...I thought..."this isn't a life, it's a life sentence"..
I finally realized the depths of my unhappiness.
I sat trying to figure out the last time I was happy?

...The next class I sat through..
 I tried to figure out what Eric had that I didn't.
He seemed to be full of energy..
brimming over...always upbeat.
Then I realized that he had passion.
He loved what he was doing.
He believed in what he was doing.
and that propelled him through life.
It made people want to listen.
To be like him.
And then I looked at me.
And thought...when was the last time I was passionate about anything.
And it was in high school art class.
Then I realized that I didn't know what I liked.
What music.
I didn't listen to it anymore.
I didn't draw anymore.
I had no real friends.
my world had become a small circle of people who I never told anything to...I revealed nothing.
I admitted nothing.
I felt nothing.
Deep down, my thoughts were: "my life is over, I am here to facilitate the dreams of my children and my husband."
wow, right?

It was there in the middle of a self defense class for kids that I finally saw my spiritual state.
If I hadn't seen it and started to correct it..
I never would have been able to begin to fix my physical state.
All real change happens from the inside out.
So I knew..
I had to know at least one thing about myself.
So I picked  'what is my favorite color?'
And it took a while...
but it's swimming pool blue.
And so, one day...I painted my bedroom swimming pool blue.
My husband still thinks it was accidental.
but it wasn't.
It was me.

That was the beginning.

With Love,


micro (small) resolutions

heydy hey people...
been working a lot
don't have much time.
ever get the feeling you have bitten off more than you can chew...

an example of this might look like:

I am going to eat 1200 calories
work out six days a week.
and go to church three times a week..

when up till that point..
you were eating whatever you could pile drive into your pie hole..
your work out consisted of flapping your gums.
and God was a mild profanity used in a slow check out lane at the supermarket.

I heard tell of this thing called micro resolutions.
Instead of going bat out of hell insane and death spiraling..
the idea is to give yourself one thing to do that is easy...
SO EASY, you would feel like a loser if you didn't complete it...
one specific idea was to make a resolution to exercise for a minimum of four minutes in a row per day.

And before you know it you are jogging to the beach to have a naked swim with the dolphins and dropping forty pounds.

So pick something...like...I am no longer drinking soda...do it till it gets done..
and then pick another something.
something like- I am going to exercise for four minutes a day no matter what.
and you keep doing it till your whole life changes...
or you die.
one of those.
I pick...hmmmmmm....from here on out...instead of eating a candy bar on my break at work..I eat a piece of fruit..
apple...or banana.
That's it.
I already exercise 6 days a week.
so I got that going for me.
Tell me what your micro resolution is..
or what you think it should be..
in the comments below.
Chris out.

stuck in silence...

Being whole is great and scary.
Just saw this song..and love it.
I love music.
Good music..
will be back tomorrow with a 'real post'.



fat is the symptom-love is the cure

I would say the majority of morbidly obese people are that way because they are dealing with serious shit.
And instead of drinking, or doing drugs...they eat.

Why would I eat instead of deal with my life?

It was easier.

there...I said it.
not in the long run of course..

But in the short run....you bet your ass.

For me, food did indeed taste better than thin felt.
I am one of those unfortunate (or fortunate) women who does not give a shit if a man thinks my ass is wide.
Don't like it, lump it.

Well, that just left ME to care.
and I didn't.
Not for the longest time.
I cared about getting through each day.
Because I was miserable without knowing I was miserable.
YOu may think that is an impossibility..
But all my life,  my mentality was "Life is tough....no one wants to hear you bitch...so suck it up."
So I did.
I learned to effectively mask all my feelings by eating them.
It started around the age of twelve and continued til about five years ago.
Until I stopped eating them....
I thought I was a very even keeled person.
Water off a duck's back and all that.
When I stopped eating..
I started noticing things.
Things like how my husband talked to me.
(keep in mind my husband is a sober alcoholic...and how he talked to me is undoubtedly how he talks to himself in his own mind.)
How I spoke to myself in my own mind.
How others looked at and treated me because of my size.

The day I looked up and really saw myself at build a bear...
it was like waking up from a coma.
That awakening was not magic..
It was a long process.
A process which began at a karate class.
I know...it's labyrinthine...this story of mine.
But I am an examiner by nature..
I need the whys and hows....it is how I am made.
but back to awakening.
I had thought, up to that point...til the age of 35...that I was merely philosophical about my childhood...
And when I stopped eating..
and stopped masking..
I felt this weird pressure in my chest that kept growing and growing.
and growing.
And It was rage

up till that point..
I had lived with a low level depression that I masked with apathy and eating.
and Not Thinking About It.

Once I confronted the state my body was in...270 pounds on a 5'3 frame...and the state my mind was in....and I would lay awake at night reliving parts of my childhood while trying to sleep...
...the rage would grow...
And I threw myself into weight loss.
I used the rage to my advantage...
And it really propelled me down the scale.

Then, at around 156 pounds (a weight I maintained through high school, something to think about later I suppose)
I hit a new emotion.
I was also molested by my stepfather's father.
he touched me inappropriately.
And I never told anyone until I was 19.
He called me his 'petite princess" and  would try and tickle me and put me on his lap..
and then one night...he laid down next to me and touched me.
and I rolled over and he left.
And I never went near him again.
But it colored the way I saw my body.
I felt dirty.
Every man I had met until I was 15 had been abusive, or perverted.
I hated men.
except my brother.
which was my saving grace..
In the time since...I have met men who aren't abusive.
Who are very good men...
My mom's fourth husband is a good man.
preachers and so fourth..
and my husband...while struggling with his own issues..is at his core, a good man..
so back to the fear.
The readers who have been here a while remember my fainting goat post.
A man tried to flirt with me at the mall..
and I was so afraid, I had to sit down before I fell out.
I was afraid to be 'petite'....or vulnerable.
There are a lot of reasons why I chose food.
It's easy,
IT's available.
IT doesn't judge.
It is legal.
and it worked.
But it kept me from feeling...and that is no way to go through life.
IT kept me from confronting the people who needed to be confronted, facing the issues in my mind that needed to be faced...It kept me dead inside.
Waking up from that was like the feeling your hand gets when you lie on it all night, and you have cut off your blood supply.
It is painful.
It can feel easier to revert.
or bury it in shit..
or spray some garden fresh spray.
or whatever euphemism makes it easier to live a lie than face a hard truth.

who wants to live a lie?
not me.

These last six months...the last of my fantasy land wishes were stripped away..
And everything I had hoped would be true about me if faced with bad circumstances..
I found to be true.
There is Nothing like a real trial by fire to show you who you are..
And If I hadn't been doing what I had been for the last 5 years..
I never would have been ready for the last six months.
And who knows...maybe six months ago never would have happened, If I hadn't become who I have become?
so it goes....
in any case:
I have become so solid in the knowledge of who I am..and what I am capable of...that I was able to find my feet in short order.
even as I have remained overweight...
I lay in bed one night a few months back, and accepted every pound on my body...not as some symbol of failure..
but as an acknowledgement that I am here...and the space I occupy and my body
is mine..
mine to cherish or abuse.
I own it...all of it.
And I love it and am grateful for it..
old, overweight, stretched out....one weak knee..
I am here.
I love my body...it has carried me through.
Now I want to show myself what I am capable of..
I want to feel energetic and full of possibility.
And that means keeping my body in good shape.
For me.
God willing, I have a full life to live..people to meet and enjoy..
a world to see.
So why would I allow my body to be hindered.
when there is so much to do?
I have eaten under 1800 this whole week...
and exercised every day..
next week I will up my exercise and take another 100 calories off the plate...
not because I am disgusted with myself..
But because I have a goal to reach and things to do.
Anger will propel you.
Love will free you.
Chris out.

The difference between setting a goal and avoiding a consequence

AVOIDING CONSEQUENCES is vague....you know what you don't want....where you don't want to go...But how do you arrive at your destination without knowing what you do want?

I don't want to go to Peoria..


Where do you want to go?

Some people go their whole lives trying to avoid negative consequences...
I have started calling it "living in the dontwants."

It is only recently that I realized that I had made most of my life decisions to avoid negative consequences, instead of creating a road map to the kind of life I would love and enjoy.

There is a HUGE difference.

Peoria is one place in a million...

Knowing you don't want to go THERE is limiting choices, not creating opportunities.

Finding out where you want to go takes knowing yourself..and knowing yourself means stripping away the toxic garbage piled on you by damaged people and learning what you enjoy, where your talents lie and what you admire...and what you want to achieve in life..

These were Questions I couldn't even contemplate at one time..
Hell, at one point...I didn't even know my favorite color..
I was so numbed out and walled off...I was just existing.
Now,  knowing what you don't want is fine...
all my life, I have known what I don't want.
Knowing what I do want....well, I had never even thought about it..
I went along with whatever didn't feel too terrible.
It was a part of my belief that 'this was as good as it gets."
Sometimes things even turned out nice.
The only thing I ever had a definite idea about in life was parenting.
I knew EXACTLY what kind of mom I wanted to be...
I wanted to be a mom who raised her children as independent beings.
People with their own minds, hearts and goals.
I wanted to fill them with the knowledge that there is indeed a God.
One who had planned them and wanted them to grow and use their talent to it's fullest potential.
I wanted them to feel confident...to be well educated and to have loads of options...
Imagine that...I had a plan...I implemented the plan with joy..
 They are confident, well educated people who have options..


and with all those options...
This last Sunday they chose God...they chose to confess him before man.
 As southern Baptist we believe when we confess him with our mouths before man, he will confess us before our father in heaven.

the best moment of my life.
It was a moment I had worked towards.

You see, in parenting, I didn't actively fail.
Because I had a vision of the type of people I wanted to produce.
I didn't go into that venture thinking..."I just don't want to produce a murderer".

Or as Chris Rock once famously said....'Just keep them off the pole"...

I had standards...high ones....
And the determination to see my standards and plans through..
IN anything....you have to know what you want your end product to look like...
For instance..
You don't go grocery shopping without knowing what you are looking for.
You don't start baking a cake without the proper ingredients.

Or if you do....you'll get something that is less than stellar.
Knowing that  you don't want black forest cake, will not help unless you decide WHAT YOU DO WANT...

When I got married...I knew I didn't want an abusive alcoholic who would beat me and control the money..
But I had no idea how to spot what a 'good man' looked like.
Considering my childhood, I didn't do as poorly as I could have.
I did have  a list...
A list of traits I didn't want...
explosive anger...
control issues.

I wanted;
hard worker

And he is all those things...
I also opted for
and a hands off attitude to every major decision that was made as a couple.

which worked when I was a very hypersensitive and unconfident person.
I thought it meant he trusted me..
when what it meant was an abdication of the responsibility to be my partner and take part in both the benefits and responsibilities of parenting and being a couple.
And as a result..
my marriage has been less than stellar...
over these last six months I have taken a good hard look at what kind of marriages I admire..
and now..
Having  come to know myself...
I know the traits that I admire and desire in a spouse..
and it is time to see if I married that person..
a good humor and ability to laugh at themselves and life.
a person who commits to their family and community.
These are traits that I value.
So it is time I made friends with my husband....and that we WORK on our marriage...together.

And that is on both of us.

I am now involving him in issues large and small...
He has begun taking the kids places...

I am speaking kindly and demanding to be spoken to kindly.
It is a beginning.

Tomorrow I will talk about fitness and eating.
This was another aspect of my life that I had allowed to be subpar.

Needless to say...if your goal is: "I just don't want to be fat."
that isn't a goal.
it is a consequence you want to avoid...
attached to it are all sorts of ideas you probably haven't sorted.
The main one being that it is the fat that is making your miserable
 when in reality...
it is the misery making you fat.....

But I will discuss that tomorrow.
I am very tired..
I have hit the gym five days running and have kept my calories under 1700 while working and running a ton of errands...so it is off to bed for me.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to start this blog...
It has helped me find my voice, and in turn..find myself.
Thank you so much.
with love,