10.11.2014

Asses kicked...all of them

Hey all,
As many regular blog readers know...one year ago I set out to make myself financially sound...My husband threatened a divorce unless I complied with arbitrary demands...I had no work experience which I could place on a resume...
I felt scared, trapped and helpless..
I felt I had put both my daughter and i in a terrible position...
I floundered for a month trying to find my way.
And like always..
I decided action now was better than delayed bullshit..
so I took the first job offered and did my best.

Well, today I was promoted to full time manager.
I get 10.40 an hour...plus bonuses for making sales.
That puts me in at about 1600-1800 a month...add in half my husbands retirement pay which I am entitled to by law...and I could make it and make it well on my own.

It took one year.
Now I have leverage and no longer have to live in fear of becoming impoverished should the worst happen.
This last year has been the most eye opening, difficult, rewarding year of my life.
The last five years have been the most life altering.
I am emotionally healed...
financially independent..
spiritually whole..
and now to sculpt the life I want through Bruce lee's philosophy of 'physicalizing my philosphy'.

My philosophy?
Do or Do not, there is no try.
Whenever I wanted to  sit down and quit...and trust me...in the last year ..particularly in the beginning...the urge to quit that job, to go back to the familiar, to capitulate..

it was daily.
Every day before work, I would cry.
I would cry because my marriage wasn't what I thought it was...no matter what rationalizations I wanted to pull out of my ass...
it just wasn't
I wished I didn't know...then I was glad I did.
back and forth
back and forth.

My foundation was shaky...
I had no work experience..at any moment he could up and walk out.
I walked on egg shells...

I missed my girls..
I wasn't sure any of that was going to work...
hell..it was just a cashiering job..
just something...ANYTHING...but dog sitter to put on a resume.
I was going to do it for six months.
Then I was going to go to a bank and be a teller.
And a funny thing happened...
I began to like the people I worked with.
Cashiering got easy...then boring because it was too easy.
Then people started asking me if I had thought about being a manager...
and suddenly I thought...
that would be good...what would look better than cashier.
manager...
so I got assistant manager.
a little more time away from home.
A little more difficulty...more boundary setting...
STill balancing the relationship with my husband carefully...
taking care of home...taking care of work...
no support.
more of me gaining needed leverage in every area of my life...
and then, the other night..
I heard some magic words...
my daughter was begging for something.
And my husband said...
Your mom isn't going to give in, she's a different person now.

And he was right.
Somewhere on this journey, I came to the conclusion that while I want people in my life...
I can now let go and be okay..
really okay...emotionally, financially, and spiritually..
and that has freed me up to state my wants and needs..
to ask for things...
to draw clear lines in the sand and not be afraid of the repercussions.
And today when my boss called to tell my I begin full time next week...I realized that I had ascended my own particular mountain....one I feared I would not clear.
I can make it on my own...and support my daughter if need be.
It is one hell of a good feeling.
What you think, you become.
What you think you are capable of, becomes your reality..
YOU ARE WHO YOU DECIDE TO BE.

Decide, and do.

Be willing to pay the price, and what you want will be yours.
That is my take away from the last five years..
I began as an emotional cripple, a physical mess and a spiritually depleted person..afraid of her own shadow.
To what I am now.
In five years.
Where will you be in five years..
I know where I will be in one.
AT goal weight.
calories: in at 1700
miles walked: 6
asses kicked: all of them
Chris out

9 comments:

neca said...

I really have enjoyed your posts. I am in awe of what you have accomplished in your life, and it is a reminder that we can achieve what we can dream. Best to you, whatever your future holds!

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I;m feeling such elation for you for what you have achieved.
(((hugs)))

bbubblyb said...

I always love reading your posts Chris, way to go on that promotion and on setting those boundaries with your husband. If he's like my husband you will eventually see the man you've known he could be. I use to call my husband "the bear in the room" and has the years have went by and I've demanded more from him he's risen to the task and today I can say he's the love of my life :) I hope you and your husband will find your way together but if not I'm so happy that you are standing tall and accomplishing everything you've dreamed :) Sending you a big hug my friend :)

Robin said...

I am not the same person I was five years ago either. And that is for the Much Better. I am not sure who I will be next year, but I KNOW it will be better than I am today.

Thanks for this. I love your posts.

JSP said...

This post was so inspiring!!! I am especially inspired by the part where you said you cried but did it anyway, kept going anyway. I feel like maybe I can keep going and get where I want to also, that one foot in front of the other does work. I wish you the best, thank you for sharing the struggle and the triumph.

Beginning Anew said...

Do or Don't Do - there is no try.

That pretty much sums it up.

Amazing...really awesome job!

Keep kicking that ass!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Christine-
You always have the right vibe and the right way to share your strength. You know how much your posts have meant to me personally over time... I am happy for you like I would be for a close friend. You are a beautiful example for your daughters and you deserve everything you have worked so hard for. Really, this is all so wonderful!

E. Jane said...

I always knew you would get to this spot in your life, because it was always there within you. Sometimes we have to go through life's challenges before we get there. I know you're never going back! Good for you...and for your family. They have an independent woman as a wife and mom.

Jo said...

I have been away for so long--sop round of you!