Thanks to you guys who responded to my last post...it is as I thought it was....having traveled this road for five years now...and having healed from my past...
I am on the other side of the looking glass, but able to clearly remember what it was like to be where I used to be...
I have a unique perspective.
It isn't just we, the damaged, f-d up people who don't know how to proceed.
'normal' people....the people who were raised in decent homes...had all expectations met..
have a different set of issues aka hoops to jump.
Mainly normals care an awful lot about what people think.
It really stymies them.
I understand relationships are important..but let me tell you, my fellow damaged (but still here) peeps...
we learned early to tell people to shove that shit where the sun don't shine.
Or we wouldn't be here at all.
I never understood why people admired my ability to ignore the opinions of others...I thought it was just your average, every day coping mechanism.
Normals are encouraged in every step of their existence, to fit in...to be accepted.
It's a lovely, warm feeling to be admired and accepted.
IT started with me after the second year on my blog..
I felt that what I had to say was important.
and that helped in the healing process...but it also caused me to tamp down on expressing doubts, and fears to some extent.
To not confess failure...or heart ache.
I got fearful....
When I realized I had begun caring 'too much'...I knew I needed to shut up and get to know me again.
you can talk so much you lose your authentic voice.
Healing does a number on you.
Who are you now if you don't hold the same beliefs?
Who are you now that you view the world and everything in it in fundamentally different ways?
Who is this person with all this hope?
I am a different person now, than when I started.
It's like looking through a fun house mirror.
I have spent the last year...yes, it's been a year, since I got a job and began re leveraging my marital relationship.
I have spent the last year reclaiming my personal power within my relationship.
That was my last huge hurdle.
The final puzzle piece that I had to be okay with letting go...
And I really got there.And the power shift was immense..and unsettling.
But real and healing.
My relationship with my husband is open and honest in a way it has never been...
and we are becoming friends.
I have learned to draw boundaries and say no.
And I have learned to respect the boundaries of others...what my flaws and weaknesses are...
and I have learned to love myself and others where they are at.
My internal dialogue...when it goes negative, I stop it in it's tracks.
I will post my workout and calorie cap tomorrow...
but mostly I will be posting my thoughts and feelings...they are the key.