Trauma, abuse and the fat shield

Hello all,
This post was a long time coming.
I am writing this post because quite frankly, I can't not write this post.
This post's topic is the whole reason I had 130 lbs to lose.
This post  is necessary because I see people daily who I know, and or suspect have a 'fat shield' for this very reason.
YOu don't get fat because you love lugging hundreds of extra pounds around.
You are eating to fill a void.
Don't bullshit me.
To fill a void or create a barrier.
Some people fill the void with other substances...
Some people create a barrier by being gregarious...funloving...but always at a distance emotionally.
I created a barrier through my fat.
You want to know why I don't weigh in anymore.
because even now....the lower weight creates a persistent feeling of dread.
I fear being VULNERABLE.
I fear being VICTIMIZED.
I fear being NOTICED.
As my husband says: "He noticed me...nom nom nom."
When men notice me, I get very uncomfortable.
The lower my weight went..the worse it got.
The stasis over the last year has a lot to do with the persistent feelings of dread.
Simply keeping myself where I am has been a challenge.
When I see someone who is morbidly obese and they can't figure why...why can't they let the weight go..
I know.
It's a shield to protect them.
Or it's a void that they are filling.
And they are wondering..
If I give up this comfort...or this shield.
What will I be getting in return.
I know what they will be getting in return.
And still I struggle.
So don't think I don't understand.
Just because someone is now thin....Don't think they don't understand where you are.
I do.
I am going to finish this...
NOT in a grand eloquent way..
Like a ballet.
But hard till the finish.
I NEED to get to my goal weight.
When I say I do this to WIN...it isn't for a pants size.
It's so what happened to me does not define me in a negative way.
I have to do this so that I can PROVE that anyone can overcome anything.
Because I know it isn't true.
so don't do this because you think it will give you a potential mate or children..
or a great ass.
or more money.
Do it for you...so you KNOW what you are capable of...
SO you can live a long healthy life, knowing you are in charge of nearly everything you put your heart and mind to.
If you are on the fence about this, do it.
It won't make  you happy....but it will make you awake...
because you can't use your crutch
you will have to face your feelings.
You will have to face your fears.
You will have to face the results of your poor choices.
And then you will discover you can change them.
That the past is the past and the future is what you make of it.
For good or ill.
YOu can do this.
And so can I.


There is pain...and then there is this workout....

this is what I  did tonight at the gym...
The workout I thought was a little 'light duty' when I started...but soon discovered I was wrong?! well..
here you go.
single leg squats 10 reps each side
no rest
bent over row with barbell
12 reps
no rest
romanian deadlift with same barbell
12 sets
no rest
bench press
15 reps
no rest
swiss ball crunch
15-20 reps
90 second rest
then redo all of the above 2 more times..

Next set
reverse lunge
10 times each leg
no rest
bentover row (again!)
10 reps
no rest
forward lunge with one arm extended
10 per side
no rest
bench leg raise
10 reps
90 second rest  repeat 2 more times

3rd set
sumo squat with dumb bell
12 reps
no rest
French press (triceps)
12 reps
no rest
barbell curl
12 reps
no rest
Mountain climber
(30 total)
90 second rest...
and you guessed it...repeat 2 more times.

This whole thing is the first workout created by the little booger below.
Whom I was cursing by the time I finished.

I had better have an ass like an anvil when I am finished.
That's all I'm sayin'.
By the time I was done with this I was supposed to do 20 minutes of moderate exercise tha twould raise my heart rate to 115 to 120 beats per minute.
I hobbled around the track doing an impression of an invalid and completed 2 miles in about 45 minutes. lol.
Tomorrow I do sprints.
We shall see.
Wednesday is a 'different whole body workout'.
I just pray to God there are fewer squats and lunges.
That's all.
Have a great night guys.
Chris out.


ouch....that was hard!

Hey all,
I went to the Gym and am currently sitting at 870 calories (aiming for 1500) and I did a ton of squats today. That was hard.  I did 40 minutes of cardio and some ab work...mostly lower ab work...here, I will post some links to where I got the 'ideas'.


So when I got on the elliptical my legs felt like water...so I think It is working.
Now I am going to go have dinner and hopefully get to bed early.

Have a great night guys.
Chris out.

First day and focus

Hey all, for the first few days I am going to be blogging quite a bit.  I am taking this idea from King Al Klein...who lost bunches a very difficult way, but blogging was a way he could get through his day focused.
So my plan today...eat clean..
breakfast is egg whites green and red bell pepper and 1 oz mozzerella cheese and coffee with cream and splenda...
250 calories.
I am going to the gym this afternoon.
Hope you guys have a great day.
And Al, if you read this, where'd you go?
Chris out.


Just DO It...

Well Folks,
I have been mucking about for about a year...content to float along above normal...
I was happy where i was...It was all good.
I am ready to get to the end of the weight loss portion of this journey.
I will weigh in on May 18th, 2012...
Three years to the day I started this journey.
Whatever weight I am at that time I will maintain.
I will have my friend take a picture..
The same friend who was with my when I first stepped on the scale.
There will be visual proof.
I weigh around 156-158...so weighing in isn't necessary.
I will weigh at the end.
The proof is in the numbers...
I'll post my calorie intake and my exercise burn.

I will be blogging daily like I did when I started.
Whatever is in my head will be on my blog.
It may be good, bad or indifferent...
But all my thoughts and frustrations and whatever will be there for the world to see.
So be warned, all ye recent readers....I can use foul language...
and when I go full bore I am hard core.
I am starting tomorrow.
If anyone else wants to jump in to get to goal, then we can be accountable to each other.
Jo, I know you aren't far....
It would be awesome if we finished together.
So...Here we go..


little things

I am grateful for little things.
For my yellow house.
For my pumpkin patch.
For my stupid Dog who is so gentle.
For my daughters..
One who is full of love for People.
One who is full of questions about life.
For my friends.
For my family...because I am not alone.
For my feather blanket.
For socks when my feet get cold.
For Christmas...because our savior came...And Easter, because our salvation was complete.
For my home church and all the good people there.
For being able to stay home to raise my kids.
For my van...even though my digital readout is spotty and my interior lights don't work.
For my ability to get my kids presents.
For my the 22 lb turkey in my fridge waiting to get baked.
For my health.
For my breath..
For my life.
For each minute I get to be here, when so many people don't.
For each heartbreak.
For each happy moment.
For all the little things.
God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving.
From the Oursler Family.


Rituals or Habits....

Or whatever you call them..
Hey all, I had a pretty good week.
I exercised very consistently and am implementing a new toning regimen so that I don't burn out on exercise.
I am trying to  make exercise a part of my life that is livable for the rest of my life.
Just like I am trying to make eating well a kind of habit.
OR ritual.
Whatever you want to call it...
I get the word 'ritual' from Tony Robbins.
He seems to be a love him or hate him type of guy.
I am actually neither.
I rarely Love Love or hate hate very many people.
I reserve it for people I know well.
So I observe him as a rather interesting fellow.
A person who says thing s that are fairly obvious but that we somehow forget to do..
Things like:
Do the small things and the large things will get in line.
What you focus on is important.
HE does a little exercise where he says
Okay...turn around...find every brown thing in your line of sight...
brown brown brown...
do this for thirty seconds...
got it..
now really do it...look around and look for brown stuff...
I'll wait.
Name every red thing you saw.
You don't remember any red things?
because you were focusing on brown.
The same goes for what you focus on daily.
Focus on fear, you'll be fearful.
Focus on gratitude you will be grateful.
He does  little exercises where you think of things you are grateful for for a period of time....
then he wants you to note how your body is positioned...
Then he wants you to think of a time you were sad  or failed.
IT's so when you need it, you can change your physiology to change your state of mind.
Which I do believe can work.
But physiology and changing your tape alone are not enough.
You need to build underlying habits that support your goals.
For instance.
When I was big....262 lbs.
I had a habit of going through fast food drive thrus.
I had a habit of drinking a grande white mocha with whipped cream whenever I went to starbucks.
I had a habit of having seconds and thirds for dinner.
I had a habit of watching television.
I had a habit of wearing clothes with no zippers.
Now that I am smaller
I don't go through fast food drive thrus.
I drink a tall americano with splenda
I have firsts...and that is all.
I cancelled my cable.
I have pants with a size in them.
I exercise daily...
before I never exercised.
Change your habits, change your life.

I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half of the things you do you might as well turn over to me and I will do them - quickly and correctly.
I am easily managed - you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of great people,
and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.

I am not a machine though
I work with the precision of a machine
plus the intelligence of a person.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin -
it makes no difference to me.

Take me, train me, be firm with me, and
I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will destroy you.
Who am I? I am Habit.

Tomorrow I will talk about the Time Factor.
Chris out.



I tried it.
It was fun.
I went with my friend brooke.
She is the same person I climbed the cog railway with..
you know,  you have all sorts of friends.
Friends that you talk with..
friends that you get advice from..
and then you have friends who say things like..
"Hey, let's go run with the Bulls."
That's brooke.

I am one of those people who likes to try new things as long as I don't have to think of them.
So...I would say
"You really want to do that?"
They'd say yes..
and I would say "well, I'll give it a go."
And I did.
showed up and she gets right in the front.
of course.
big ole mirrors.
And the lady doing the class busts out that kid and play stuff from the nineties...
yo yo.
stay in place running.
I was all H*ll no.
but I got into it..
the only time I actually felt ridiculous was when she had us put our hands behind our head and do  pelvic thrusts.
and I almost wussed out.
Till I looked five peeps over and saw two 70 year old ladies burning it down.
And then I thought.
If they can, I can.
Apparently there is a zumba thon next saturday...
Think I will drop in on that.
do an hour to an hour and a half  or so. lol.
Can't hurt.
calories in and good.
exercise in and good.
Have a great day.  


Great New Blog...

Hey guys...check this blog out....

Change is imminent...this person just started and they need some support! They don't seem to have a follower button...But you could encourage them to add one! We all need all the help we can get. Have a great day.
Chris out.


What wondrous love is this?

oh my soul oh my soul...
I was watching this and it occurred to me that today is veteran's day....
The lord lying in the arms of his mother...after fighting the good fight and overcoming death.
It reminds me of course, of the men and women who have died and the many empty arms of mothers and fathers...
And wives, and husbands, and children.
and brother's sisters and friends....
What manner of love resides inside the man or woman who lays down their life for their friend, their family, and their country. 
Or the man or woman willing to should the need arise.
A wondrous love.
Worthy of reverence.
For that I thank them.
On this veteran's day.

Chris out.


let go of lies and fear...and embracing life.

I would say of all the songs I heard on the radio when I was growing up...this is the one I remember playing over and over...and it is something that you don't understand when you are younger.

When you are young...this feeling is natural..
You feel sure of yourself.
You haven't lived long enough to really mess up.
To have regrets.
To be second guessed...
To have your mistakes effect the lives of others.
To be afraid.

On the other hand, when you are a child you are still held back by circumstances...
you are trained to set limits on what you can and can't do.
In a healthy environment..the limits are for a child's own good.
In a toxic environment, the limitations are a manifestation of a parent's own lack of self esteem and self percieved shortcomings...and when those people have children, even if they don't intend it..
they pass these self imposed limitations on to their children...
I have many positive things from my mother...
A 'no quit' attitude.
I learned to never complain, and to work hard.
I learned to be honest with myself and others.

and believe it or not, I have developed many good character traits from living with an abusive father.
I learned to seperate my worth from another's opinion or actions.
I learned that whatever anyone thinks of my worth as a human being, my worth is not weighed by the value placed on me by the people who surround me.
My value is based on God's love for me.
That makes me a person of infinite worth.
I also developed self limiting beliefs...
Coming out of high school...there was the belief that college was for rich kids.
That a career in the arts was not a 'real job'.
For anything to be a real job, it had to be boring and hard and pay for shit.
I was taught that being feminine was 'wussy'.
To be 'equal' you had to be 'tough'.
So many of these things went against my true nature, that I supressed myself.
I am, by nature, a very sensitive person.
I like people.
For who they are...not the clothes they wear, not for the job they have or the car they drive...or the age they have attained or haven't attained.
In my mind, when I am looking at someone...whether it's an adult or a child...I see an individual and approach them that way.
YOu won't find me talking down to a child, or an elderly person, or a homeless person.
When I talk to people I want to hear from their heart and mind.
I want to know who they are...
And I want to judge them on their spirit....not their social status.
I do not feel the need to be validated in my life choices by people who have made similar life choices.

This makes me (and has made me) very different than many people over the years.
So I don't always  fit  in social settings.
I have never, not once wanted to discuss whether my car had a leather interior.
When the wholesale condemnation of an entire people group or activity comes winging my way in a conversation, I do my best to duck.
For by what measure you judge, you will be judged.
I always keep that in mind... cause I can just see jesus up there measuring out the judgement rod everytime I open my mouth to condemn someone...(he was a carpenter)

But I have learned to accept that not everyone approaches life this way.
The one good thing my childhood did for me was to teach me to differentiate between someone's opinion or perception of a situation..
and reality.
I learned early that another's opinion was just that..an opinion.
Or to use a crass phrase that was flung around my house:
"Opinions are like @ssholes, everyone has one."
What hurts my heart is to see other people accept the opinion of others as a correct one in spite of that person's own perception or grasp on a situation.
I have some relatives like this.
They are very sensitive, and take everything people say to heart.
Even if that person whose gums are flapping isn't worth spit.
I've seen it on blogs.
People popping off and laying down their version of the law when they have no concept of someone else's reality.
Compassion rarely fails.
Listening rather than talking will save you major embarrasment nearly every time it is tried.
So I am letting go of some lies I have held on to...
Lies and fears implanted in me by people who have their own opinions and limitations.
I can have a career in Art.
Being feminine doesn't mean you aren't strong.
Not caring about money is okay.
I can be as organized or disorganized as I want to be, I am not 'naturally disorganized'..organization is a skill, so I will achieve this skill.
My beginning doesn't determine my ending.
Other people's life decisions don't affect me...therefore they are none of my business and I won't discuss them.
I can learn to play the piano or learn to dance ballet whenever the frick I want...you don't have to be 10 years old to take lessons.
What are some lies that you have taken as your truth?
Even though, deep down you know it isn't you?
I was thinking...I am halfway to dead...37 years old.
How much of my life do I want to spend making other people comfortable?
How much time do I want to spend validating someone else's opinion or life choice at the expense of my own truth and happiness?
And how much do I want to spend being truly happy.
I say the rest of it.
Whatever I have.
Whatever God gives me.
Chris out.


Now let's see the Christmas decorations....

Okay, Now that halloween is out of the way, I can stand the sight of Christmas trees. I don't know why these people feel the need to break this stuff out mid september...marketing I guess.

It's november...this year has gone by quickly.
I have been doing alright with hottification...but have realized something.
I have gone too long with a kind of diet mentality...
In that I still eat outside of what the kids eat...
and since my husband is dieting (and doing very well I might add)
Its us two and those two...
I guess I am just sick of feeling like I have to get somewhere quickly when there is no such rush.
When I started I was content to get to a great weight slowly..
Somewhere around the last 20 lbs you lose your mind and want it quickly..
and this is where a lot of people seem to flub up.,
Instead of letting it come off like the rest came off.
Instead of seeing it as a permanant change..
You lose your MIND and think...If I just cut it to 1400 and exercise 6 days a week....I will be there in thus and such a time.
(you know, that mentality that caused you to FAIL so many times before.)
Instead of saying...okay, let's focus on how I intend to eat and exercise for the rest of my life.
every set back can be viewed as a failure.
I am still learning.
learning how to eat like a normal person.
I am still using that night creme for wrinkles and it seems to work.
I am just focusing on integrating my life and my eating and my exercising.
I know I will never have a perfect balance..
But I also know that you have to shake up the exercise and eating everyonce in a while or you will die of boredom.

So, I am getting there.
Hope all of you are doing well.
Chris out.